How is everyone doing? Check-in 4/4

AL_TwinCities · April 2016

For the new people who joined this board last week, we are all so sorry for your losses. This board is proof that you don't have to go through this alone!

How are you all doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with?

GTKY: where do you want to go on your next vacation?

BrightenMySky · April 2016

I am doing ok (maybe my version of new normal). Still feeling overwhelmed with the dog stuff and the loss. We should find out more about dog's prognosis this week, so trying not to get my hopes up.

Physically I feel like my body is really playing tricks on me. I still have not gotten AF (some spotting here and there, but nothing that turned into full flow) since my d&c on 2/1, and my hcg is still elevated. Was planning to have a saline sono this week to see what's up, but then I started having a symptom that I had when I was pregnant (feel like AF is about to come or has started, but then go to check and no blood...not sure if others had this). So am I in the very small group of women who ovulate w/elevated hcg? And I don't want to do the saline sono if there is a chance, however small, that I could be pregnant again...it took us about 18 months the first time & 3 IUIs, so it seems just so unlikely. So I am planning to call the RE nurse and see if she thinks I should come in for blood the day before, or if the doctor will do an u/s before the saline sono to confirm not pregnant.

As for my next vacation, we are going to Maine for a christening soon, and while I know that part will be tough, I would really like to extend the trip to spend some time on the coast, if we were able to bring our pup (depending on her health).

housewifehobbyist · April 2016

That is such a frustrating limbo to be in @BrightenMySky. And hugs and good thoughts to your pet's health!

How are you all doing this week?
I was doing fine until I spoke to my mom this morning. She's this very aggressively positive person and I love her and know she means well, but telling me "maybe it was a good thing you weren't pregnant then" when I recounted my bout with a stomach virus + hives last week because "viruses can cause birth defects" made me lose my damn mind. Could we please agree to NOT try to find the upside to pregnancy loss? Now I'm going to be fuming and thinking about it all day.

GTKY: where do you want to go on your next vacation? I study medieval European history for a hobby, mostly UK based stuff (although it all ties together really) so England, Scotland, and Wales would be amazing. We just dropped 10K on a new roof though so that's not happening anytime soon.

virginiaham · April 2016

@BrightenMySky I'm sorry, that's so frustrating.

@housewifehobbyist that hurts to hear, I'm sorry.

I am doing OK today. I talked to my midwife on Saturday and she is clearing us to start TTC again pending HCG going all the way down. My H and I talked last night about how we're both dealing with the loss differently and how we're both afraid of TTC again being more stressful than it's been, due in part to my sour mood after I realized yesterday how much he'll be traveling between now and Labor Day. I'm not blaming him, it just felt like a gut-punch.

When I told him that I didn't think this process would be so disappointing, he hit me with, "What part of it did you think was going to be easy?" Ouch, really? He isn't worried at all about us not getting pregnant again or having a take-home baby. I totally am, and I'm realizing I need to find somewhere to put that worry. And then I still have moments where I am freshly reminded that we just had one of the worst weeks we've faced together and I still need to grieve this loss.

GTKY: My next vacation will be a quick weekend in Seattle with a really good girlfriend of mine.

housewifehobbyist · April 2016

@virginiaham I'm sorry. It's hard when you're both grieving and dealing with the pain and frustration differently, which I'm sure is why he lashed out. I mean yes, honestly I thought getting pregnant would be a snap and I'd have a take home baby in nine months. I didn't even consider miscarriage. Now nine months and two miscarriages later I realize how naive I was, and how difficult and heartbreaking this process can be. The support from this board has been huge in helping to vent to those who are truly empathetic to all the mixed emotions loss brings. I'm here to talk if you ever need to.

virginiaham · April 2016

@housewifehobbyist thank you for your words! I so appreciate the support here, especially reading others' experiences with their H. ***rant warning*** I think my H is really trying to help me feel better by rationalizing it the way that he is able to. We were both explicitly worried about an early MC when I got my BFP, but I think in his mind that should mean it's not so hurtful or disappointing when it happens (and similarly it should mean it's not so hurtful or disappointing to see a BFN or CD1 if I'd only have low expectations or just relax and trust that it's going to happen one day). I think he's having a hard time seeing me hurting/bummed/sad and not being able to fix it; & I think he started to understand when I asked him to let me be sad/bummed and let that be ok at the moment.

Wishilivedinflorida · April 2016

@BrightenMySky Your whole situation sounds so frustrating. I'm thinking of you and your pup.

@housewifehobbyist Are you able to be completely blunt to your mom about her comments? I'm sorry you had to hear those comments. I know that most people mean well, but geez!

@virginiaham This is all so fresh to you, definitely take time to grieve. I recently read that women who have been surveyed about loss report having intense grief feelings for 9-12 months and up to 2 years in many cases, and thereafter, it never leaves you, but just gets easier I suppose. Who knows. Anyhow, take time to process this and don't put expectations on you or H. TTC again will be different this time around too, so be kind to yourselves.

How are you all doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with?
I'm doing better this week. In a weird, creepy, totally unscientific way, I think I sense the HCG coming down and my mood lifting. My follow up appointment is on Thursday and my office tends to do betas, so I'll probably have one weekly until <5. I hope my poor NP is prepared for me to unload my expectations of future aggressive care, lab requests, and general BSC. I think I've earned the right with two losses and no live babies. Also, I hate that I completely know what to expect after a D&C. This is an awful club to be a part of.

GTKY: where do you want to go on your next vacation?

DH and I are discussing this now. We are tentatively planning a road trip for August. There is a small chance that we *could* be pregnant again then if life goes perfectly, and I'm terrified of miscarrying on the road. But, I know I can't live life like that. We are thinking of going to Nashville since we've never been and it's only 10-12 hours away from us.

RiverSong15 · April 2016

@BrightenMySky, I'm so sorry for the limbo you find yourself in. I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for a good prognosis for your fur baby.

@housewifehobbyist, what your Mom said sucks. Im sure she just wants to help you feel better, but I generally find that people say the dumbest things when trying to "fix" your problems instead of just letting you vent.

@virginiaham, I'm so sorry you and your DH find yourself with different reactions to grief. Hugs. Also, let me know if you need recommendations of places to eat in Seattle. I know an excellent place to get molten chocolate cakes, which has been my vice the last couple weeks.... Chocolate therapy?

As for me, life continues to be shitty. My Mom's situation is as awful as ever (made worse by her attitude), and work was god awful on Friday, setting me up for a truly excellent week. I had brown spotting on Thursday and Sunday, but nothing else. It seems my body can't do a single thing right - it can't carry a baby to term and it can't miscarry to get me out of limbo. On top of that, my OBs office was supposed to call to let me know when I can schedule a repeat ultrasound, and they haven't. It's one more thing on my to-do list and I've reached my limit. I think if I don't MC this week, I'm going to have to take the medication on Saturday. We have a wedding next weekend and work is crazy, but mostly I just can't take limbo anymore. I vacillate between seething anger at life and despair at the thought of never having a baby. I just want to fast forward through the next few weeks.

ETA : H and I want to take a long weekend locally sometime at the end of April to try to just enjoy being a couple again. We also want to go to NYC in May to visit friends.

rkroupa · April 2016

@RiverSong15 - My heart goes out to you. When it rains, it pours. I hope that you are able to M/C naturally and soon. Did your doctor ever recommend a D&C? Or do you want to avoid that?

I'm doing okay this week. I feel like I just keep going back and forth. One day Im fine, the next day I want to scream and yell at everyone and hibernate. Today is 5 weeks since my D&C and I still haven't gotten my AF. I had some pretty bad cramps last week and thought for sure I was getting it, but here I am - still no bleeding. I'm so freaking frustrated - I just want to get it and have it be over with. I feel like this is the last step for me to be able to (hopefully) put this behind me and I am just waiting in limbo for it to come. I literally just want to curl up and go to sleep until I get it. My doctor never tested my HCG levels after my follow up, is that normal? She just said I'm good to go to start trying again and everything looked good. I'm so tired of everything related to this process. It is exhausting.

One silver lining is that I have been getting back into my workout/health routine - so I'm enjoying feeling good and healthy again. I'n trying to get my body into the best shape I can to prepare for a future rainbow baby (hopefully)!

GTKY - DH and I are going to Savannah at the end of this month. Im hoping I will be ovulating at that point - but I need to get my AF first! I'm looking forward to getting away with my DH though and eating a ton of delicious food.

RiverSong15 · April 2016

@rkroupa, thanks for the support. My doctor was heavily advising against a D&C, as she thought it was over treatment. She also explained the risk of scarring, and it was just too high for me. As much as I don't want to take the medication, I think I'm going to have to.

After my first MC, they never checked my HCG levels at all, before or after my MC. I think that's within the range of normal. I kept peeing on sticks until I got a negative, which the first time around took about 2 weeks. I ovulated shortly thereafter. It's all dependent on your own levels and such, though. Hugs. I know how frustrating this can be.

roxgibbons · April 2016

@BrightenMySky I hope this all gets resolved for you quickly so you can physically move on. I'm sure it;s frustrating. Good luck with the saline sono this week if it happens- Hoping for a good prognosis for your puppy.

@housewifehobbyist, aggressively positive people can be irritating especially when you are not in a positive space. My SIL is like this. I spoke with her yesterday and I was telling her about my upcoming procedures and her response was- "I'm sure it will all be fine and you need to be postive." I was so annoyed. hang in there. People mean well, they just have an odd way of showing it.

@virginaham I'm sorry you are in a rough space. The grief roller-coaster is hard and know that we are all here to support you.

@wishilivedinflorida I am glad ou are feeling better - I'm all about being your own advocate so ask all the questions you need to

@Riversong15 I'm so sorry life is rough right now. Sometimes it can all be too much when all areas of life are hard. Hugs to you.

AFM: I have my first procedure tomorrow which is the tubal cannulation. I am nervous as I really don't know what to expect. I was told back in December there was a high probability that both my tubes were blocked. Then I got pregnant two weeks later (in the uterus) so at least one tube is functioning properly. Essentially, my RE is going to go in and take a look and attempt to unblock anything if there is actually indeed a blocked tube. What is upsetting is DH is not able to be there and my mom has to take me since I won't be able to drive afterwards. DH has a lot of work deadlines so he is stressed about work- trust me I get it, but I rather have him, then my mom take me as we have had our ups and downs about my loss. Anyway- any positive thoughts tomorrow morning are appreciated.

GTKY: We just got back from a weekend getaway. This getaway we planned a couple days after our loss so we would have something to look forward to. It was nice and it was great to connect away from all the distractions of life. We will definitely be taking some days off here are there to just hang out at home. It became very clear this weekend that we are both burned out.

Our next vacation is in August to Glacier National Park. My DH's family does a reunion there every other year. It's pretty fun and we stay for a week.

rkroupa · April 2016

@roxgibbons Good luck tomorrow! I would be upset if my DH couldn't be there, but atleast you will have some family there. (I totally get the ups and downs with family - my parents were MIA for the month after my M/C and Im still holding a grudge). I hope everything goes well for you and sending positive vibes your way!!

RiverSong15 · April 2016

@roxgibbons All the hugs and good wishes for tomorrow!

Wishilivedinflorida · April 2016

@roxgibbons best wishes for tomorrow. I totally understand wanting DH over mom (as I would too). Hopefully it is quick, uneventful, and productive for you!

roxgibbons · April 2016

@rkoupa I'm sorry you're frustrated. My REs office didn't monitor my HCG levels until I went in due to some pretty intolerable cramps. At the time I still had an HCG of 47. I got my period 3-4 days later and my HCG draw that day was 25. My RE was confident it would continue to drop and told me some women get their cycle even with HCG in their system. I can understand wanting to move on. I hope this all gets resolved sooner rather than later and you are able to try soon.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

Dirty lurker here, but I wanted to jump in and say to those who I have not yet spoken to, I am sorry for your loss... This is, as someone else said, a horrible club full of wonderful people.

@rkroupa I am sorry for your loss and hate that we must "meet" like this. I am active mostly in TTCAL, but still lurk here occasionally. As a random aside, I live in Savannah and would be happy to give you tips if you're interested.

@roxgibbons I will have you in my thoughts tomorrow. I am hopeful that you will have some more confidence moving forward after the procedure, but also understand the sadness that H can't be there with you.

virginiaham · April 2016

@RiverSong15 I'm so sorry, *hugs*

@roxgibbons sending good thoughts for tomorrow!

Gibbs7911 · April 2016

I haven't officially introduced myself. I'm 30 and H is 31. I miscarried in 2012 and then went on to have DS in 2013. We recently decided to try again. I had a BFP at the end of February. I found out on March 25 during an ultrasound that I was measuring way behind and HCG was low for 8 weeks. The follow up blood work showed increasing HCG but not doubling. I had another ultrasound on Friday and there was no growth. Dr has mentioned a D&C twice but then scheduled an ultrasound and now more blood work first. In the meantime, my body is doing nothing, not recongnizing the loss. My emotions are bouncing all over the place... Today I'm just sad and grumpy.

My question... How long did you guys have to wait between finding out about your loss and a D&C or the medication?

Not necessarily a vacation, but I think our next trip will be to a murder mystery dinner at a B&B that I heard was pretty great.

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

Today I had my follow up appointment with the OB- This was my first time meeting him and he was actually very nice and answered my questions. I told him about how I am still having positive pregnancy tests which concerned him so he ordered a HCG level which I was glad- based on what it is we will determine the next step. I am hoping it is not too high. He thought if I still had retained tissue that I would of had more bleeding so not sure of that.

I also told him about my concerns with my TSH being high in the past with normal T4 and he was willing to order that too. He said he can't treat hypothyroidism but in his opinion based on himself having thyroid issues, he would treat if my levels are still as they were or higher. So I might be off to an endocrinologist soon. He didn't think that hypothryoid would have anything to do with my mc however- he said as I'm sure we have all heard before: My chances of having another miscarriage isn't any higher after one and its just a bad luck of the draw unfortunately. He even told me him and his wife had went through a miscarriage and ended up with 4 children- I don't think he was trying to make my loss any less of a big deal but tried to give me some hope which is nice.

Finally I asked him about the bleed they saw on my ultrasound and he said sometimes these bleeds can happen from implantation and there isn't really anything to prevent them- some people have them during perfectly healthy pregnancies and most of the time they are a incidental finding.

Overall I feel a lot better after talking to the doctor. He did tell me I had to wait 3 cycles before trying again...doesn't this seem really long? I've read on this board 1 cycle- maybe even 2...but 3?

So hopefully labs will be back tomorrow!

We have had a couple vacations in the past couple months- New Orleans in January when we found out I was pregnant and we had a trip planned 2 1/2 weeks later for Valentines Day to Las Vegas. My baby died a couple days after we came back from the trip (even though I didnt find out until 2 weeks later) and even though its highly unlikely flying had anything to do with it, I would be really nervous about flying if I was pregnant again. But not pregnant I hope my DH and I can go to our timeshare in Mexico sometime in the future. Its our favorite place- Cancun and Cabo

Wishilivedinflorida · April 2016

@Gibbs7911 I'm so sorry for your losses. To answer your question, it varies depending on presentation of the loss. For me, both times confirmed heartbeats at first and then they stopped so D&C was offered right away. If they haven't seen fetal cardiac activity with yours, they may be more cautious to not jump the gun and make sure there is no growth or rising betas. (Often referred to here as "limbo") Im sorry you are here and going through this. Hugs.

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

@BrightenMySky So sorry still about your pup

Maine sounds really nice, I hope one day to explore more of the east coast. I hope you get out of limbo soon.

@housewifehobbyist I know exactly what you mean with your mom. I had a kidney stone a week after my miscarriage and she's all like "well what would you have done if you were still pregnant when that happened, maybe its better this way" No mom it would not be better.

@virginiaham My DH is the same way- he is a super positive person and just wants to fix things. I am better now but in the beginning I was a mess and he just couldn't understand why I was still so sad and not moving on like he was. I usually am not very good at talking about my feelings but this time has really helped us communicate better and I think he understands more on how I am feeling. Just keep that line of communication going and let him know that you need to grieve in your own way and he should support that, and you vice versa.

@Wishilivedinflorida A road trip sounds awesome! We did one with my in laws right after we first got married- they are from Germany and it was their first time in America and they loved it. I know how you feel about trying to plan things around "possibly being pregnant" but sometimes you just have to go for it and live day by day, let go of control.

@RiverSong15 Hugs to you, what an awful situation waiting- I can't imagine how you feel right now. Hope there is an end in sight.

@rkroupa My D&C will be almost 5 weeks too and no AF either. But since hcg is still present, probably no ovulation for awhile so I imagine my wait will be for awhile. Hope AF shows her face soon! Happy that you are back in the gym doing something positive that makes you feel good.

@roxgibbons Good luck with your procedure!

@Gibbs7911 I found out about my loss on a Tuesday and I had my D&C on Friday. This was my frist ultrasound, I had never seen the heartbeat previously. I was having a missed miscarriage so my body wasn't getting the hint that the pregnancy wasn't viable so I didn't want to wait to do it natural and risk infection etc. My doctor favored D&C over medication because she was worried about a lot of bleeding due to my high hcg levels. To be honest I just wanted the process over as quickly as possible- those couple days feeling pregnant and knowing my baby was inside me not alive were heart breaking.

SnobunnieMel · April 2016

@Spartanrd4 every OB seems to have their own protocol on when to start TTC. Mine encourages right away, the old WHO data said 6 months but it seems the be more doctor comfort that causes all the variation we seen unless there is something specific they want to wait it out for.

Gibbs7911 · April 2016

Thanks for the responses...
@WishilivedinfloridaWe hadn't heard the heartbeat, so I do appreciate them not jumping the gun. I just feel like they've already made it very clear that it's not a viable pregnancy, but my body just isn't doing its job.

@spartanrd4 I feel like my body isn't going to get the hint either and it's making me a crazy person. That's good to know about the bleeding risk with too high of HCG because the dr did mention they were surprised my HCG got considering development.

Hopefulmommy1980 · April 2016

today was my first day back at work and I feel like I am faking being the person I was before the miscarriage. when people who know ask how I am I say I okay just really sad. I miss feeling excited for the baby. It feels like so long before we can try again. And the thought of trying again scares me.

I really want to go on vacation in Colorado. I lived there for a year and love seeing the mountains

Cubslove12 · April 2016

How are you all doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with?

I have my ups and downs like everyone else. Tomorrow is my birthday not sure if I'm very excited to celebrate. I was originally planning on telling people on my Birthday.

I think I might be ovulating noticed some discharge today and it was cloudy, so I'm hoping I get my AF in a reasonable amount of time. Last time I got my AF 3 weeks after my D&C.

I have my post D&C appointment on Thursday trying to come up with some questions to ask. This is my second MC first was a blighted ovum, second was at 7w 3d after hearing the heartbeat 3 times. Any suggestions on questions that should be asked.

GTKY: where do you want to go on your next vacation?

My husband and I are going to Nashville to visit some friends. Although I would prefer to be pregnant, a night out drinking on broadway might be just what I need.

Cubslove12 · April 2016

GTKY: where do you want to go on your next vacation?

DH and I are discussing this now. We are tentatively planning a road trip for August. There is a small chance that we *could* be pregnant again then if life goes perfectly, and I'm terrified of miscarrying on the road. But, I know I can't live life like that. We are thinking of going to Nashville since we've never been and it's only 10-12 hours away from us.

@Wishilivedinflorida My husband and I love Nashville, we have really good friends there, been there around 5 times even ran a 1/2 marathon there. If you want any suggestions let me know. We are going at the end of April.

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

Woohoo Hcg came back at 21! Hope to be back to 0 soon!

lilylover27 · April 2016

@BrightenMySkyhope you get good news about your dog! I also hope they can confirm one way or another for you in regards to the sono so either way you can take the next step.
@housewifehobbyist I would love to go to Europe on day! So much history there!
@virginiaham my DH is the same way, he just wants to move on and do things to keep our minds off of it. He did actually say that is hurts him that there is nothing he can do to make me happy sometimes when I am having a moment. He just wants to make it all better but sometimes you just can't.
@riversong15 I am very sorry that you are in limbo and had such a trying week. I hope you are able to move on soon and take the next step whatever that may be.
@roxgibbons sending positive thoughts for you!
@gibbs7911 we had a MMC confirmed at 8 weeks when I should of been 12 weeks. I couldn't stand the wait to see if it would happen naturally, especially since is it had already been 4 weeks and nothing, I took the medication two days after finding out. I didn't want to have to get ok with the loss and then physically have to go through it after that. Everyone is different but I feel this was the best way for me.

This week is a mixture of things. Last night I was doing pretty well and then when DH commented that I was doing better last night it got my upset. I tried to explain that I may have good days and bad days and just because there is one good/bad day doesn't mean I am getting better or worse. I know he didn't say it to upset me I just know he really appreciated that I was wanting to hug and cuddle with him. I tend to push people away when I am upset so we have barely even been holding hands, which I know is hard for him. I also just can't get the thought out of my mind that everytime we kiss or something I am leading him on. Sounds stupid and high schoolish I know. I mentioned it to him and he said he isn't looking for sex and understands I will not be ready for sometime. I don't know I guess I just feel guilty for that. Also just randomly I will have flashes in my head about the sonogram where we found out we had a MMC. I play it through my head even when I don't mean to. I remember seeing the baby and knowing something wasn't right based off the size, but DH didn't, he looked so happy that the baby was there, he had no idea how it was supposed to look at 12 weeks on a sono. I then see the moment the tech confirmed no heartbeat and how his face just dropped from hopeful to crushed. No matter how busy I am I cannot stop playing it in my head. I recently just started doing my yoga again, did a little before TTC, and hopefully that helps clear my mind.

GTKY: Our next "vacation" is going to be going to a friends wedding in Flordia at the end of July. We are just going down the day before, day of and after so not much of a vacation in those aspects. I believe we are planning to take some more time off this summer to do renovations on our house though.

joyful08 · April 2016

Hi everyone,
I posted my "intro" just a few days ago. I was 12weeks when I found out my baby's heart stopped beating and it had stopped growing at 9 1/2 weeks. I naturally miscarried the next day (3/29). I also had a blighted ovum in November. We have no living children.

How are you all doing this week? Any questions or anything we can help you with?
I am doing a little better each day. It still doesn't seem real it just all happened so fast. My husband and I decided to get a puppy over the weekend and it has been a great and adorable distraction! It has really helped me even though I wasn't all for the idea of a puppy at first.

I have very silly question. Will my boobs go back to pre-pregnancy size? They are huge and I hate the subtle reminder that they are.

GTKY: where do you want to go on your next vacation?
We definitely want to go to Disney world or on a Disney cruise. DH and I love Disney so much. I'm very sad that we were never able to take our baby to Disney.

@brightenmysky I'm so sorry your levels haven't gone done. I haven't had my follow up with my OB yet so i don't know where my levels are at.

@housewifehobbyist I'm so sorry your mom said those things. I can totally relate. My mom was telling me (right after I found out the baby's heart stopped and again the morning after I miscarried) that when I try next time I need to make sure I don't stress and find a hobby to pour myself into so I don't obsess over getting pregnant or else I won't be able to get pregnant again. I wanted to scream! Me wanted to get pregnant again is not going to cause me to not get pregnant.

@virginiaham I am so sorry you and your husband are coping differently and that he said that to you. When we had our blighted ovum I was crying a few days after and my DH said "you don't need to be upset because there wasn't actually a baby". Which didn't make me feel any better but it helped him move forward.

@wishilivedinflorida first off I love your name. I grew up in Florida and have been begging DH for us to move to Florida but he doesn't want to. I agree that this is an awful club to be apart of.

@riversong15 I am so sorry you are stuck in this awful limbo. I'm praying you are able to start this awful process soon so you can then begin to move forward instead of being stuck.

@rkroupa I'm praying AF comes soon so you can move on. I am also going to begin a new exercise routine to help me prepare for our rainbow baby. I can definitely stand to lose some weight.

@roxgibbons thinking about you today that you will get some answers and any blockage removed!

@Gibbs7911 I'm so sorry you are stuck in limbo. I miscarried the day after my ultrasound but the baby had stopped growing almost 3 weeks earlier. So it took my body a long time to figure things out. I was also on progesterone supplements which I think helped the delaying.

@spartanrd4 I am glad your doctor gave you some hope. I have heard doctors say a varying number bettween 1-3 months after your miscarriage. I don't have much experience but I am thinking maybe he was just being cautious. That seems long to me.

@hopefulmommy1980 I know how you feel about being scared to try again. I am terrified. And I am scared that if I do get pregnant again that I won't be excited for the new baby. I don't want to live in fear but it's so hard not to.

@cubslove12 I am in the same situation as you. A blighted ovum and then a loss after hearing the heartbeat a few times. I also don't know what to ask the doctor. She said that both miscarriages are probably just bad luck but I feel like after two consecutive losses there must be something wrong with me.

@lilylover27 I completely understand you feeling guilty about not being intimate with DH. We weren't allowed to for over a month and a half due to spotting via doctors orders. So I feel really guilty even though he has assured me he understands.

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

@joyful08 You got a puppy! That is definitely a cute distraction

I want a dog so bad but with my asthma and allergies I don't think its a good idea- My doctor didn't even want me to have my cat. As for your question about boob size- I feel like mine definitely went back down to pre-pregnancy size fairly quickly- my bra size went from a 34B/36A to a 36 C at 9 weeks pregnant when I found out about the mmc. My bras fit a lot better now and DH made a comment on how they looked smaller to him after a couple weeks post op.

@lilylover27 I work at a hospital and so I can look at my electronic health record whenever I want. Sometimes I look at my ultrasound randomly, I don't know why- just so I don't forget that little piece of me that is lost. DH actually wasn't with me when I had the ultrasound so he never even saw it. I ended up printing him a picture so he could see and all he could say was "oh, thats it?" Yes that is it, even if it was a blob, it was our blob! I was really annoyed that he didn't have the reaction I was looking for.
I feel guilty too about not being intimate- we did not do anything the entire time I was pregnant because I was scared of spotting and now after the mmc and being benched I just have no desire whatsoever. I'm just really scared and hormones/emotions all over the place that I'm just not in that place yet. Like your DH he says he understands but its still hard that I can't get out of my head.

lilylover27 · April 2016

@spartanrd4 I hid my ultrasound pictures in a drawer I never go into. DH was surprised how quickly he became "attached" with our baby after the first ultrasound, he said seeing the little heart flickering made it real. I just breaks my heart everytime I think of those moments. I am not even sure if I can be intimate, like medically. We also weren't that intimate when I was pregnant because of spotting, even though I know that would have no affect on the pregnancy. I don't have my follow up for another week and I am not sure if they will even do tests then so it might be more waiting. As much as I am sad over the loss of our baby I also want to be normal again, I want to want to be intimate and want to do normal things. Probably was a bad day to post my update as I am feeling more and more unlike myself and upset as the day goes on and it isn't even noon yet.

virginiaham · April 2016

@joyful08 so sorry to see you here. My boobs were getting smaller the last week of my pregnancy and the day after my MC they were huge. They've gone down quite a bit since then, but I only made it to 6w2d. I was also curious about this and I have my own answer now, but seeing them huge the day after freaked me out just because I wasn't expecting it.

@lilylover27 *hugs* to you.

RiverSong15 · April 2016

Well, I'm officially out of limbo. Scan today showed no growth from last week and no embryo - officially an anembryonic pregnancy. I'm just waiting for my OB to call to discuss options. I think I'm going to opt for cytotec this weekend, as much as I don't want to. I'm numb and mostly just relieved to have a confirmation. I did start to cry in the elevator though, as of course we were in there with a couple who came from their anatomy scan carrying photos...and we stopped at every single floor on the way down. The stark contrast between their ultrasound experience and ours was just too much. I guess I just needed to get this out there.

SnobunnieMel · April 2016

@RiverSong15 I am so sorry that the end of limbo means you stay here with us. Cry all you need to.

virginiaham · April 2016

@RiverSong15 I'm so sorry. We are here if you need to cry/vent.

lilylover27 · April 2016

@riversong15 I am very sorry, we are all here for you.

joyful08 · April 2016

@RiverSong15 I'm so sorry. We are here for you and you have every right to cry as much as you want.

@virginiaham thank you. I just thought about it the other day if I was going to be stuck with these huge things.

@Spartanrd4 good I am hoping my boobs will go back soon because they are uncomfortably huge. That sucks that you have such bad allergies. My brother is the same way. My puppy's name is Gus-Gus and he is 8 weeks old! The shelter we adopted him from thinks he is a dachshund/chihuahua/pug mix.

fivetimesnoluck · April 2016

@joyful08 He is adorable! Pound puppies are the best!

@RiverSong15 I am so sorry your loss was confirmed. It just sucks. We are here for you.

Wishilivedinflorida · April 2016

@RiverSong15 I'm so heartbroken for you. *hugs*

@joyful08 Your pup is so cute!

BrightenMySky · April 2016

@RiverSong15 I am so sorry that this is how you are getting out of limbo. Hugs.

@joyful08 that puppy is adorable.

I have not had time to go through all the posts yet (because life), but thank you for all the well wishes & hugs all around, I want to respond more later.

RiverSong15 · April 2016

Thanks for the kind words all. It helps to know I'm not alone, even though I may feel that way at times.

@joyful08, that is one adorable puppy. I want all the puppy cuddles!

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