Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How is everyone doing? Check-in 4/4

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Re: How is everyone doing? Check-in 4/4

  • @roxgibbons Yay for the good news about your tubes! 

    @riversong15 I know you are out of limbo but this situation sucks all around. I wish no one had to go through this :( 
    RiverSong15
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  • Hi all,

    Just getting a chance to check in today.  I'm feeling a mix of super sad and super excited this week...My good friend and colleague just found out that she will be having her C-Section to deliver her first baby next Wednesday.  I am so so so excited for her and to meet Baby, but also sad because it should be my turn next.  Sitting at lunch with my colleagues, I've gone from genuinely enjoying myself while hearing pregnancy and delivery stories, to quickly running off to the bathroom to tear up in private.  It's very confusing.

    On a positive note...I really look forward to coming home and hopping on the computer to read this board.  It helps to be among people who understand.  :smile: 

    Hopefulmommy1980roxgibbons
  • 1inthehopper1inthehopper member
    edited April 2016
    Hi all,
    what a week.... :( I did my intro about a week ago- my pregnancy was diagnosed as ectopic at 5 weeks. I had two rounds of methotrexate to terminate the pregnancy and unfortunately it didn't work and I had to have surgery Monday night.  So traumatic after 10 days of risk of rupture, having to take the methotrexate which is a chemo therapy drug, and then having to have surgery anyway.  We are devastated and exhausted.  I'm glad I can start healing physically now so I can also start healing emotionally.

    TW- talk of baby's remains


    Last night I had a complete meltdown- I was in a ton of pain plus I suddenly realized that I didn't even think to ask about our options for baby's remains.  I felt physically ill thinking about our baby bring discarded as medical waste and guilty for not even asking about it.  My husband was finally able to get me calmed down after reminding me that when our pastor visited us at the hospital right before the surgery he specifically blessed the baby.  I take some comfort in that but I feel so guilty. How could we not think to ask about options?!?! 

    The dr did give us pictures from surgery since it was laparoscopic.  They were so hard to look at but I think was needed reminder of the danger I was in and why we had to suddenly move so quickly at the end. The ectopic was bulging, had started bleeding and was pressing on my ovary, which is why I was in so much more pain.  Surgery was necessary and I do feel fortunate we got to surgery before I was in more danger.  It's just so much to process though.  I'm home now (spent night at hospital since I wasn't out of recovery until almost midnight) and thankfully my pain was much more manageable today.  A friend of a friend (who had a stillborn at 39 weeks just a couple of months ago) sent me a grief book in the mail today.  I was so touched that she though of me while still grieving herself.  

    So that's been my week so far....one day at a time, right? Eventually things will start to get better.  

    Giant hugs for everyone this week- I'm going to go back and get caught up on everyone now.  Edited for spelling 
  • This week has been a rough one. As of today, it's been exactly a week since I found out my gummy bear no longer had a heartbeat and 5 days since my d&c. I've been off of work for a few days and I really don't feel like I am ready to go back. I have to go back Friday and I have a feeling if anything bad happens, I may burst into tears. I'm an emotional wreck any time I'm not busy. I'm trying to keep busy, but I am very lonely and my husband went back to work Monday so no one is here to really talk to. (Except my dog Barry but he doesn't respond) I am starting to feel like my husband is sick of my nightly cry fest. When I try talking with him or to get some comfort he seems short, irritated and angry. Like he's sick of the same conversation. I am getting the vibe that I should leave him alone. I'm just feeling so lost and alone. My mom and I don't really have the close relationship where I feel comfortable talking with her. I've actually considered seeing a therapist. Sorry if I'm a bummer. 

    I really really want to go to Disney world. I wish we had the money to go.
    Me: 28 DH: 29
    Married: 4-25-2014
    TTC: March 2015
    BFP: 2-18-16
    Confirmed MMC: 3-31-16
    D&C: 4-2-16
    TTCAL: May 2016
    IUI: 5/13/17-Femara and Trigger, POAS 5/27/17 BFP 5/27/17



    BabyFruit Ticker
    joyful08
  • I'm so sorry for the rough weeks @1inthehopper and @nmd9168. Hugs to both of you.
    1inthehopper
  • @housewifehobbyist I am sorry for what your mom said.  Some things have absolutely no upside...they just suck.  I often think about how if things had worked out as planned, I would be back from a long (by US standards) maternity leave by now.  This is a very heartbreaking, emotional roller coaster of a process.  
     
    @virginiaham definitely hear you on needing to take the time to grieve.  I'm glad you were able to talk with your H about how you are grieving differently.  I had that kind of conversation with my H, and it helped a lot.  

    @Wishilivedinflorida thanks for your kind words.  You certainly deserve to have an aggressive level of care and not be treated as BSC.  Pregnancy and loss may be routine for providers, but it's not for those of us going through it.  

    @RiverSong15 thank you.  Sorry so many things are coming down on you at the same time as this loss.  I hear you on feeling like my body cannot do this right...so many times I have felt like my body just cannot let this baby go.  And that elevator ride sounds awful.  Hugs.  

    @rkroupa glad you are enjoying getting back into your workout routine.  I hear you on having a lot of ups and downs and what that contrast feels like.  

    @roxgibbons I am so glad you got good news from the test.  And thanks for your kind words.  

    @Gibbs7911 I am so sorry for your loss.  I found out about my loss on a Thursday, decided I wanted to schedule a d&c the next day, and actually had the procedure on the following Monday.  My baby had died a week or two before we discovered the loss, based on growth, and I still had pregnancy symptoms, so I did not feel I could wait for my body to recognize the loss.  We had seen the hb at a prior ultrasound.  

    @Spartanrd4 glad you had an overall positive meeting with the OB.  Thanks for your kind words.  And good news on the HCG!  On the animal front, could you do a low-shedder or even hypoallergenic dog?  FWIW, my DH has ashtma and allergies, and cannot be around cats at all for very long, but is ok with many dogs (including the one we live with).  Just a thought.  

    @Hopefulmommy1980 I hear you on feeling like you're faking things.  Hugs.  

    @Cubslove12 Happy belated birthday, and I hope you marked the occasion in whatever way felt right to you.  I hope your appointment goes well today.  

    @lilylover27 thank you.  I have also felt upset if I feel like I'm doing better or if someone points it out.  I feel like I deserve to grieve for however long and in whatever way feels right to me, and no one can take that from me.  And I also have flashes in my head of finding out about the loss.  Particularly when we got the bad news about our dog, I felt like it really triggered all those scenes for me.

    @joyful08 thanks for your kind words.  I think I already posted that I love your puppy.  I am so sorry for your losses.  

    @Kirchetta such an emotional roller coaster.  Hugs.  

    @1inthehopper I am glad you can start physically healing and I hope the worst of the physical pain is over.  Sounds like you have been through a lot this week.  What book did your friend send?  I would be interested in hearing more about it as you start to go through it.  

    @nmd9168 sorry you have had a rough week.  I went back to work on a Friday after my d&c (although 2 weeks after), and it was nice to just have to do one day (assuming you have Sat/Sun off).  Small things set me off, though--like someone being rude to a stranger in the grocery store kind of small.  It sounds like your husband and you are both grieving, just differently.  Have you talked about it with him?  I think talking to a therapist is a good idea, too.  I found someone using the search feature on www.psychologytoday.com.  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
    virginiaham
  • @BrightenMySky I've been tested for allergies and test positive for dogs and cats but I've had cats all my life and it seems like I'm desensitized to them (my doctor said that if I was away from my cat for 6 months for example that I might be symptomatic if I was exposed to my cat again) and I've had a dog when I was younger- a chihuahua and don't remember him giving me problems. It seems that only certain dogs bother me so I don't really know until I'm around them. I'm currently on allergy shots so we will see how it goes before getting a new pet. And actually my allergist doesn't believe in "hypoallergenic" dogs or cats. He says the allergen is in the pet's skin and saliva so even if the dog/cat is hairless, you can still be allergic to them. My cat has very long hair and I do groom him in the spring/summer and that does help with shedding. 
    lickastick
  • @Spartanrd4 my DH definitely has a reaction to saliva, so that would make sense (a skin rash, but then he also has trouble breathing regardless of whether he's had contact with the saliva).  He developed these allergies when he went off to college--don't know if it was not being around animals during that time or the area that he moved to--it's definitely tough.  We can't go over to someone's house for longer than 30 min or so if they have a cat.  I think with our dog he's gotten used to her and/or she's less of a trigger for him--she doesn't shed very much, although definitely not hypoallergenic (if that even exists).  
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • Hi Everyone.  I've been reading through all of your check-ins and identifying with many of you.  I'm so sorry that we all find ourselves here, but WOW, what a supportive group.  I'm so impressed with all of the individual responses and replies in this thread!  

    I had my D&C on Tuesday.  Physically, I am recovering better than expected - only some minor cramping and very light bleeding.  Emotionally, I feel exhausted.  I came back to work 28 hours after my procedure.  I have a desk job so it's not physically taxing at all, but man.  I'd rather be under a rock, or at least at home binging on some sort of TV show.  Too bad there is no one who would do my job if I didn't come in!  And then the deadlines would all still come and I'd be screwed.  Sigh.  

    Anyway, I hope we all have nice, relaxing weekends.  Take care of yourselves, ladies!
    Me: 1979 * Husband: 1976 * Little girl: 2010 * Little guy: 2013 * MMC: 2016 * Last baby: EDD 2/11/17!  
  • Spartanrd4Spartanrd4 member
    edited April 2016
    @1inthehopper I know what you mean about the baby's remains- I had a D&C and don't think I would be strong enough to see the remains even if I could but just reading the pathology report and seeing the words "products of conception" just made me very sad. I know its all medical terms and that is what they need to call it but to us, those products were so much more. That was my baby and I will never know what it was, who it would of been and what happened to it. 

    @16isourluckynumber I am glad to see you are recovering well from your D&C- I am so sorry you had to go back to work so soon afterwards. I had mine on a Friday morning and didn't go back to work until Monday and even that felt too soon. Take care of yourself! 
    1inthehopper
  • @16isourluckynumber, I'm so sorry you can't take more time off. It's so hard to be at work and concentrate when all you want to do is curl up in bed.

    @BrightenMySky and @spartanrd4, my H is also allergic to cats. He gets a raised puffy rash when the cat upstairs licks him, and also has breathing troubles in a house with cats whenever he's not taking his allergy meds. I've always heard that it's not that certain dogs or cats are "hypoallergenic" per se, but that the low to non shedding breeds don't end up distributing their allergens around the house as much. Hair/shedding distributes the allergens from the skin around the house a lot more. Allergies are definitely weird.
  • @16isourluckynumber I am so sorry for your loss and that you cannot take it easy right now.  I hope you can take some time and take care of yourself soon.  You have been through a lot.
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
  • Just got an update from my RE appt this morning.  We decided not to do a saline sono on the small chance I could be pregnant now.  My HCG has gone down quite a bit and I appear to have ovulated since last week's bw, so hopefully I am on a good track.
    About me:
    /loss mentioned/
    TTC#1 July 2014
    dx: MFI (morphology)
    IUI #1 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Sept. 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #2 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Halloween 2015 ~ BFN
    IUI #3 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Thanksgiving 2015 ~ BFP!!
    hb 146 bpm at 7w5d
    1/28/16 ~ began to say goodbye to our beautiful baby at 11w 
    d&c, followed by cytotec
    TTCAL April 2016
    IUI #4 w/Clomid + Ovidrel Apr. 2016 ~ BFN
    IUI #5 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ CP
    IUI#6 w/Clomid + Ovidrel ~ BFN
    1inthehopper
  • I'm doing ok today.  It helps to have my older daughter around; she makes me so happy.  Tomorrow I'll go back to work.  For me, getting back to my regular routine will be best.  Followed up with my OB yesterday to confirm the M/C and they want me to have my blood drawn weekly until my HCG goes all the way to zero.  They said that should only mean a week or two tops since it sounds like I'm already done passing everything.  Kind of dreading going to the office and seeing all the pregnant women there =(
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  


    Baby #2 M/C 4/5/16
  • Interesting follow up appointment today two weeks out from D&C. My OB has like 15 providers and they are all so different in how they do things. No tracking betas this time (which is fine by me, I'll just POAS I guess). My NP was totally fine with doing a recurrent loss work up (at least for clotting disorders) and my PCP will do the rest even though we sit at two losses right now. Our plan is to hold off on RE and hope the third time is a charm for us! Worst case scenario is a third loss and then we already have a work up started for an RE if needed. 

    Has anyone else here gone down the rabbit hole of researching treatments including IVF for unexplained recurrent loss? I'm so terrified that this will be me. It's so expensive and scary...I need to step away from Google. Anyhow, I have some hope and a partial sense of control now. I guess the point of my post here is to not be afraid to be your own advocate, especially in the face of loss and multiple losses. 
  • Hugs to everyone. 
    1inthehopper
  • I need to get off FB. My friend Lauren who I've known since freshman year of college...we were roommates, just announced her pregnancy and she's due 2 weeks before I would of been due :( Just when I think I'm doing "ok", I see this. TGIF!
  • Facebook is such a rough place to be when you're going through a difficult time like this. I know it was for me I'm 26 and so many people were announcing, posting, ect. I had to take a break from it and that really helped. It's especially hard when you see someone with a similar timeline that you would have had. If you need to vent or talk I'm here @Spartanrd4.
  • @Spartanrd4 I haved off as well. I tried a few times and it always bit me in the ass. It is actually very therapeutic to get away from that type of social media environment. I have the Facebook groups app for the contact I need with my junior league organization and know there is no risk there of triggers 
  • @BrightenMySky the book is called Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse. I've skimmed through parts so far and what I have read was comforting. I'm always leery of self help books but what I've read so far was helpful. The author had 3 losses- early miscarriage, stillborn, and then an ectopic.  So in addition to general Information she also added her own thoughts and experiences. She even wrote a section about what you need to know right now re: decisions you might have to make right away depending on your circumstances. I actually wish the clinic had given me a copy of this or something similar as soon as my ectopic was discovered.  If I was independently wealthy I would buy 100s of copies for the clinic to hand out.  
    BrightenMySky
  • @citygirl17 isn't that the worst seeing all the pregnant bellies at the clinic?! Sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes I feel just plain angry.  At my last visit when I found out I had to have surgery for my ectopic a woman had brought her newborn along to her 6 week checkup and when the newborn started crying I had a complete meltdown. It was more than I could handle at the moment  :(
  • citygirl17citygirl17 member
    edited April 2016
    @1inthehopper the worst!  I feel like I see pregnant women everywhere now.  My office said I could come in on Friday or tomorrow so I elected for tomorrow to give myself a little more time.  And also my HCG levels will hopefully be gone by then so I won't gave to go in a second time.  Friday was just too soon.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker  


    Baby #2 M/C 4/5/16
    1inthehopper
  • I hate that I'm just now responding to this.  I have been lurking all week and reading your posts but haven't posted.  We are slowly starting to feel better.  Each day is different, every hour is different.  I had my post D&C appt on Friday and it was tough, but went well overall.  Just hard being back in that office where everything happened.  Been thinking of you all and hoping you are doing OK. 
    Me: 31 DH: 32
    Married April 2014
    TTC since December 2015
    1st BFP: February 8, 2016; MMC at 7 weeks, 3 days; Discovered at 10 weeks; D&C March 25
    2nd BFP: June 20, 2016; CP June 22, 2016
    3rd BFP: August 13, 2016!!  Fingers crossed!!

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