Had a glimmer of hope but lost it

briannef90 · March 2016

Last Saturday I found out I was pregnant after having a miscarriage in December. I was excited but also so terrified of the possibility of having another miscarriage. Sadly, I started bleeding heavily yesterday with the most painful cramps. It would be classified a chemical pregnancy, but it is still a very painful and very real miscarriage. I never went to see the doctor. I was only 4W5D according to my lmp. I am so heartbroken and I cannot believe that I had another miscarriage. I really thought that this pregnancy was going to be the one. I don't have children, and I am 25, so I'm freaking out that now there is something wrong and that I won't ever be able to carry a child. We are going to wait a cycle, maybe more to start trying again. I am just so scared and don't even want to think about getting pregnant again...ever. The loss just hurts so much and is too painful. Just as I was healing from my first miscarriage, I get hit with another.

Only a few people know about either miscarriages and I just feel so alone, even more than I did before. The pain isn't as bad as the first time, but I still wish I had the support I needed. I don't get it from my husband unfortunately. I don't know how he even feels. He said he's sad, but he acts like he doesn't even give a shit that this happened. I told him I needed some kind of reaction and he just says that he doesn't know what to say. It makes me so angry. Idk what to do.

When we try again, if I have a 3rd loss I'll push getting blood tests done. Right now I'm just seeing it as bad luck partially. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

Thank you all for your support now, and for the support you have offered before. I am so sorry for all of your losses and I hope we all get our rainbow babies soon.

vnegron87 · March 2016

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to endure this again. I understand why it can seem discouraging and frustrating when your partner doesn't seem to care, but just remember that your experience is different from theirs especially since you are carrying. So while it is very real for us, they have yet to see, feel or hold the child. They have not had the blessing of being able to connect with them, no matter how short or long the pregnancy may have been. Even my partner admitted that she didn't start feeling anything for our baby until 12.5 weeks when she actually saw our LO wiggling and dancing and even then, when we lost our baby she acknowledge that the loss is much greater for me then for her just because she lacked that certain connection. That didn't mean that she wasn't sad or heartbroken because she was, it was just different.

Ill keep you in my thoughts and hope that you can get through this difficult time and soon be able to carrying and hold your little one.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

I am so sorry for your losses. You are not alone. Sometimes there are no words, it just really sucks, but I guess I will add encouragement to post here, share here, and get support here.

1inthehopper · April 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems we all deal with grief differently but your partner should be supporting you and going through it with you so your frustrations are completely understandable. Maybe it would help if you saw a doctor to make sure everything is happening as it should and that you are physically healing correctly? Maybe if your partner went with you he might understand more what you are going through- both physically and mentally? Will be thinking about you.

AL_TwinCities · April 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband was the same way - we really struggled with our communication after my second loss. I read this article out loud to him a few weeks after loss and we both were smiling because it 100% described us, and it helped us understand how to support each other and how each other were dealing with the miscarriage. It's about infertility but absolutely applies to loss as well.
https://waitingforbabybird.com/2016/02/24/men-are-like-waffles/

MooFish2364 · April 2016

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. As others have said, I don't think men get as attached as we do and I don't think they really know what to say. My husband is like that. I know he feels bad/heartbroken etc. he just doesn't know what to say. Try to tell your DH what you need from him. I know it's hard because we just want them to know what to do or how to react but sometimes men need a little more direction than that.

JDMRS · April 2016

I am so sorry for your losses, and for the strain in your marriage. My husband is not a great communicator either and he's trying to be supportive but he says he doesn't know what to say. While they also experiencing a loss, they don't have the ability to understand how it feels for us, physically and emotionally and frankly, I think the process freaks them out terribly. Hugs.

lilylover27 · April 2016

I am so sorry for your losses, please be kind to yourself and take the time you need to grieve. It doesn't matter how long the pregnancy lasted it is still a loss and needs to be grieved. We had our first lost just last week, we have no living children either as this was our first pregnancy. At first I thought DH wasn't feeling anything, he did cry with me at the doctors office when we found out about the MMC but not anytime afterwards. We have kept communication open and I realized he tends to pour himself into a project or work when he is upset, that is just how he copes. We all have different ways of coping but we need to make sure to support each other too. I hope soon we can all find peace with what had happened.

roxgibbons · April 2016

I'm very sorry for you losses and the pain and frustration you are feeling. Unfortunately a lot of people don't know what to say or how to be supportive and it's incredibly difficult if that person is your SO. Just know you feelings are valid and very normal. You are going through a grief process and there will be good days and bad days. Just keep communicating with him and even if he doesn't know what to say, at least you are being heard. This board has been a great source of support. Please reach out here when you need support or need to vent. Hugs to you

housewifehobbyist · April 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there too, my husband actually said "IF you were pregnant" after my CP as if the four days of positive tests weren't proof. @AL_TwinCities blog post just made me tear up at work, it's so accurate. I find that the support I get here, and these wonderful understanding women, helps me to not need to lean on my H so much when handling my grief, and I think that's a good thing for our relationship. I hope you can also find some strength from the support network here, you are not alone!

ThePax89 · April 2016

I'm so sorry about your losses. This is a great community. It is total bs to have two consecutive losses. I recently experienced my 2nd loss in a row as well. It is the most horrendous thing I've ever gone through. So many women on this page have been through similar situations.

virginiaham · April 2016

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Between my husband and I, I am usually the big-picture thinker and he usually takes everything a day at a time. We are totally reversed in those roles right now and it really frustrated me at first. He is so hopeful in this and his hopefulness sounded really dismissive to me at first. Do you have friends or family members that you feel comfortable reaching out to and confiding in? I am experiencing my first loss and found it really helpful to send a short e-mail to a few trusted family members and close friends telling the (short) story and just being honest that I was sad and didn't know what I needed or what they could do but that I mostly just needed to tell the story. I'm so sorry for your losses, no matter how long you carried them. Hugs to you.

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