2nd Trimester
islandgirl1986
member
5 months and in unstable marraige. I don't know what do do.
islandgirl1986
member
This is my second pregnancy. My first was 10 years ago. I was 18 and I had to go through my pregnancy on my own. My ex-boyfriend then wanted me to have an abortion after finding out that I was pregnant, and he was also dating someone else. Throughout my first pregnancy, I had prayed that the right man with whom I deserve and would treat me right would come along in my life. I am now married and I am 5 months along and expecting my second child. My husband has been emotionally absent throughout my pregnancy for the most part, and we have repeatedly expressed our interest in ending the marriage throughout my pregnancy. It's not stable, and I'm hurting a lot. I just can't believe that for the second time, I am going through pregnancy alone, without support from my partner and that I will have to raise another child on my own again. My husband is a good provider, a hard worker, a good example for my daughter, generally a good man, but he is emotionally absent. His work takes precedence over family, he is not there for me in the times that I need him, and I feel neglected.
The day prior to finding out I was pregnant, my husband had suggested separation. He was leaving to go back home in the US, while my daughter and I stayed in our home country to help with family in a political campaign. My daughter and I had planned on being in our home country for 3 months. Prior to this decision of us being away was made, I made sure that he would be agreeable to this arrangement and if he had asked me to stay, that I would be with him. Before we left for a Christmas vacation in our home country to be with family, he also didn't come home in our home for almost a week. We had a big argument and he ignored my calls and attempts to reach out to him. I wasn't sure where he was staying at this time. I had expected for him to bring my daughter and I to the airport when we were leaving the US as he had initially planned, but he never showed up. He even resisted coming home for Christmas to be with us, until I had to beg him to come home. Our time together during the Christmas vacation was also pretty unstable with us both arguing, he was unhappy with the way things were planned for the most part. At 6 weeks of pregnancy, it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I told him that I was pregnant, I was extremely ecstatic, thinking maybe having a child together could bring us together. Unfortunately, he did not seem to share the same sentiment. At 7 weeks, I ended up in the hospital from dehydration, he never called me once to check up on me. At 9 weeks, my grandmother passed away. She was someone dearest to my heart, and he didn’t call me then either. In the past 3 months, my husband and I barely talk and communicate. I attempt to call him and reach out to him multiple times, he is either too busy or he isn't interested in speaking with me. He hasn’t once asked how the baby and I are. I have asked me to join me online in our ultrasound, but he makes an excuse that he may be busy at work. What broke the camel’s back was that we had initially decided for me to give birth in the U.S. He had mentioned that his work can give him 10 days paternity leave and 7 weeks off half paid. I was Cesarean when I gave birth last, and due to the position of the baby, it is likely that I will be cesarean again. I will need a few weeks to recover. Someone will need to help me with the kids. I had expressed to him that I needed help and asked if he could take his paternity leave, but he chose to only take 3 days off only.
I had expressed to him multiple times that I am hurting and that I need him to be there for me and to love me, his response was that I complain too much and he called me neurotic. I love my husband and I try to make things work, but I feel that he constantly pushes me away. I want to give up. My marriage is hurting me and it’s affecting the baby. I think we owe it to the baby to do what we can to try to rebuild the marriage, but I need for him to change too, instead of thinking that the instability is all of my fault. Every time I approach him to improve our communication and work on our marriage, he resorts into attacking me instead. He just doesn’t see that he’s hurting me, to him, I’m always the one with the problem. I feel that since being with him, my self esteem and confidence has been affected. I may be approaching him in the way that isn't effective for him, because when I want to have a discussion with him, he dismisses me, tells me that this is my fault, that I have problems. That leaves me hopeless. He doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with our marriage. I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed too. My anger and outbursts are not conducive for our marriage, but I am trying to change this.
I wish that I had a supportive husband and if that wasn't the case, then I wish that I was strong enough to go through another pregnancy on my own again without being affected. Going through one pregnancy on my own was hard enough. I know that what I am going through is affecting the baby want to have a family more than anything in the world. I want our son to have his father to be a part of his life, and I want my daughter to grow up with a father too. I am conflicted with what to do. Staying in an unhappy marriage. Knowing now that we are having a son, it breaks my heart to know that he might not grow up without his father. Realistically, providing for both my kids and raising a household on my own is challenging. I was a single mom, without a partner to raise my daughter with, for many years. And it was so difficult for me. I just don't know if I can go through it on my own again, with two children. His emotional absence and neglect is impacting me. We have tried counseling multiple times, but we argue too much that he refuses to go to another session. He thinks that in order for us to change, that I will have to change myself and not him. In order for us to continue on our marriage. I need for us to both be willing to change and improve. I need him to love me, and be there for me, to be the partner that I need. I am hopeless and I don’t know what to do anymore. It is difficult for me to discuss this with family and friends, I need help and advise.
The day prior to finding out I was pregnant, my husband had suggested separation. He was leaving to go back home in the US, while my daughter and I stayed in our home country to help with family in a political campaign. My daughter and I had planned on being in our home country for 3 months. Prior to this decision of us being away was made, I made sure that he would be agreeable to this arrangement and if he had asked me to stay, that I would be with him. Before we left for a Christmas vacation in our home country to be with family, he also didn't come home in our home for almost a week. We had a big argument and he ignored my calls and attempts to reach out to him. I wasn't sure where he was staying at this time. I had expected for him to bring my daughter and I to the airport when we were leaving the US as he had initially planned, but he never showed up. He even resisted coming home for Christmas to be with us, until I had to beg him to come home. Our time together during the Christmas vacation was also pretty unstable with us both arguing, he was unhappy with the way things were planned for the most part. At 6 weeks of pregnancy, it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I told him that I was pregnant, I was extremely ecstatic, thinking maybe having a child together could bring us together. Unfortunately, he did not seem to share the same sentiment. At 7 weeks, I ended up in the hospital from dehydration, he never called me once to check up on me. At 9 weeks, my grandmother passed away. She was someone dearest to my heart, and he didn’t call me then either. In the past 3 months, my husband and I barely talk and communicate. I attempt to call him and reach out to him multiple times, he is either too busy or he isn't interested in speaking with me. He hasn’t once asked how the baby and I are. I have asked me to join me online in our ultrasound, but he makes an excuse that he may be busy at work. What broke the camel’s back was that we had initially decided for me to give birth in the U.S. He had mentioned that his work can give him 10 days paternity leave and 7 weeks off half paid. I was Cesarean when I gave birth last, and due to the position of the baby, it is likely that I will be cesarean again. I will need a few weeks to recover. Someone will need to help me with the kids. I had expressed to him that I needed help and asked if he could take his paternity leave, but he chose to only take 3 days off only.
I had expressed to him multiple times that I am hurting and that I need him to be there for me and to love me, his response was that I complain too much and he called me neurotic. I love my husband and I try to make things work, but I feel that he constantly pushes me away. I want to give up. My marriage is hurting me and it’s affecting the baby. I think we owe it to the baby to do what we can to try to rebuild the marriage, but I need for him to change too, instead of thinking that the instability is all of my fault. Every time I approach him to improve our communication and work on our marriage, he resorts into attacking me instead. He just doesn’t see that he’s hurting me, to him, I’m always the one with the problem. I feel that since being with him, my self esteem and confidence has been affected. I may be approaching him in the way that isn't effective for him, because when I want to have a discussion with him, he dismisses me, tells me that this is my fault, that I have problems. That leaves me hopeless. He doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with our marriage. I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed too. My anger and outbursts are not conducive for our marriage, but I am trying to change this.
I wish that I had a supportive husband and if that wasn't the case, then I wish that I was strong enough to go through another pregnancy on my own again without being affected. Going through one pregnancy on my own was hard enough. I know that what I am going through is affecting the baby want to have a family more than anything in the world. I want our son to have his father to be a part of his life, and I want my daughter to grow up with a father too. I am conflicted with what to do. Staying in an unhappy marriage. Knowing now that we are having a son, it breaks my heart to know that he might not grow up without his father. Realistically, providing for both my kids and raising a household on my own is challenging. I was a single mom, without a partner to raise my daughter with, for many years. And it was so difficult for me. I just don't know if I can go through it on my own again, with two children. His emotional absence and neglect is impacting me. We have tried counseling multiple times, but we argue too much that he refuses to go to another session. He thinks that in order for us to change, that I will have to change myself and not him. In order for us to continue on our marriage. I need for us to both be willing to change and improve. I need him to love me, and be there for me, to be the partner that I need. I am hopeless and I don’t know what to do anymore. It is difficult for me to discuss this with family and friends, I need help and advise.
Re: 5 months and in unstable marraige. I don't know what do do.
Who knows, after you stop trying, maybe he'll miss you and come back. Maybe by that time though you'll realize that you're better off without him.
But yeah, I think you need to act as though he's not in the picture anymore. (Which apparently he isn't.) And make all further decisions based on being a single mom.
You have said a few times that this is affecting your LO. The good news is that it's highly likely that, even though you are stressed or emotional, your baby will develop perfectly well. It's only extreme levels of stress (such as war or physical stress such as starvation) that will affect your baby.
The other suggestion that I would make is for you to go to counselling by yourself. That way, you can discuss your concerns with an objective party, learn skills to help you cope and/or express how you're feeling in an empowered way and gain some support for yourself. It would be great if you could both go and sort it out together but, in the absence of that, getting yourself this help would be advantageous. It will also help you prevent or manage any symptoms of depression after the baby is born (or before if you're struggling with antenatal depression). I'm not saying you should get counselling because you are the "problem" but because it will give you some control over the situation.
It sounds like you don't have a lot of support. Maybe look for a mum's group, an interest group or some other social outlet to give you somewhere to find like minded people. If you're religious, perhaps a community around that or a club around your international community (you mentioned you lived outside the US for a while?).
Of course, no one here can answer whether you should stay in your relationship. Only you know whether it's worth fighting for or what kinds of things need to change.
Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016
The advice I always give to friends in difficult relationship situations is this: If this person remains exactly as he is for the rest of his life, can you live with that? If you can, then move forward with him by your side and accept his faults while doing your best to improve upon yourself. If the answer is no, walk away.
People CAN change, but they have to be the ones to decide to make that change, and unless he has explicitly stated what exactly he wants to change and work on within himself, and began to actually make an effort to make those changes, then you need to either accept him as he is, or move on.
Can I ask a clarifying question?
Are you still living away from your husband, in another country?
Does he say he is willing to work on making the marriage work, and not following through?
It seems to me if you are living in another country, and he is at all willing to try and work on your marriage, adding the stress of being long distance would be another hurdle you guys really don't need right now. I know my ex and I were in separate countries for several months and even though our relationship was perfect before he left, between the time difference, communication challenges and just.. not being a part of each other's lives... it made it very hard to remain invested in the relationship, and for both of us to do things to support the relationship. We ended up breaking up after being together for four years because we were different people by the time he moved home than when we had a relationship.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Good luck with everything!
As you already know it is terrifying going through pregnancy without a partner, but is he really a partner to you? Partners are supposed to want to be there for their woman and their growing baby; he doesn't seem to be there for either. In my opinion you are wasting energy you could be using to enrich your daughter's life and to nurish your growing baby on a man that doesn't deserve to be there.
You deserve to be happy and loved, without having to chase it.
You don't have that. I'm speaking from experience, from my first marriage. I loved my ex-husband, I was faithful during the 5 years that he was not. He did not respect me, he emotionally abused me (convinced me I was crazy, even told me I should kill myself), and as result I didn't respect myself. I became 'emotional', 'neurotic', it exacerbated my anorexia, my depression, I began to self-injure, and I tried to kill myself. I hid his abuse from my family.
Then I lost my dad. I lost the one man who had tried so hard to teach me respect myself, to love myself, and the only man who I had a guarantee would ever really love me. My dad dying was the last act of love he ever gave me, without even knowing it.
I was suffering immensely because of the two most important men in my life. I was suffering from the very sudden absence of father, from all of the lost possibilities in our relationship, from everything that would never be because I had lost him.
More importantly I was suffering because of the presence of my ex-husband, from all of the future uncertainty that staying with him meant, and from everything that I would never be because I had lost myself.
My dad's love, even in death, shielded me. My ex-husband no longer influenced how I felt about myself, he noticed. He became the 'angry', 'neurotic', 'emotional' one. He became suspicious, jealous, and accusatory. I became annoyed, embarrassed for him, and pitied him. He had lost control over my emotions, nothing else had changed, but it showed me he valued control over anything else. I was exhausted, and I told him I was done. He stopped mattering. Within 6 months of my dad's death I had finalized divorce papers in hand.
My current marriage? I never thought it would become a marriage. I became a source of support for a deployed high school friend. We've been married 5 years and he values my big mouth, my independence, my desire to become educated and successful in my career. He has no desire to control me in any sense, nor do I have the desire to control him. He wanted a woman who could stand on her own two feet, and he never for a minute begrudges what he got.
By building ourselves, and supporting the other in their growth, our marriage strengthens. A rising tide lifts all ships.
'Fights' for us is one person saying they have an issue and both of us agreeing on how to improve it, then following through. There is a desire to improve behaviors because you know that your partner should never get too far ahead of you. Most importantly, the partner who has already made it over one obstacle knows how important it is to turn around and offer their hand to the partner who is still struggling.
You deserve someone who wants you to build yourself up, someone who will help you build yourself up, and who will rise to meet you once you do.
You know why you deserve that? You are now responsible for teaching two precious young kids how to view themselves, how to treat a partner, and how to let themselves be treated. You can do that alone far better than you can in your current situation. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.
You may need to leave this marriage before you find your strength. That's okay. But find your strength before you find another partner, that's the best way to guarantee that your next relationship will both challenge and fulfill you.
You don't need this man. Your kids can have a father without you having a husband. Accept that this man may or may not be the father your kids need or deserve. Take it from someone who knows the importance of a good father. Take it from someone who knows the importance of a good mother (because quite frankly she's all I have left). You can only control what kind of mother your kids get to have. Take that very seriously.
Sorry for the novel, but I felt it was all important to type down. Please pm me if you want to talk more in depth. As much as I have been 'tough love' here, I really feel for you and wish I was in a better position to help you directly.
I could ramble for days, but it's not going to change either of our situations. I just wanted you to know you're not the only pregnant mama going through this. I truly hope that in time you find strength and happiness for both yourself and your little ones.
I wish you the best of luck and have strength to keep moving forward with your life for not only you but your kids as well.
also so maybe check the date on the thread and see OP hasn't been here in over a month....