5 months and in unstable marraige. I don't know what do do. — The Bump
2nd Trimester

5 months and in unstable marraige. I don't know what do do.

This is my second pregnancy. My first was 10 years ago. I was 18 and I had to go through my pregnancy on my own. My ex-boyfriend then wanted me to have an abortion after finding out that I was pregnant, and he was also dating someone else. Throughout my first pregnancy, I had prayed that the right man with whom I deserve and would treat me right would come along in my life. I am now married and I am 5 months along and expecting my second child. My husband has been emotionally absent throughout my pregnancy for the most part, and we have repeatedly expressed our interest in ending the marriage throughout my pregnancy. It's not stable, and I'm hurting a lot. I just can't believe that for the second time, I am going through pregnancy alone, without support from my partner and that I will have to raise another child on my own again. My husband is a good provider, a hard worker, a good example for my daughter, generally a good man, but he is emotionally absent. His work takes precedence over family, he is not there for me in the times that I need him, and I feel neglected.

 The day prior to finding out I was pregnant, my husband had suggested separation. He was leaving to go back home in the US, while my daughter and I stayed in our home country to help with family in a political campaign. My daughter and I had planned on being in our home country for 3 months. Prior to this decision of us being away was made, I made sure that he would be agreeable to this arrangement and if he had asked me to stay, that I would be with him. Before we left for a Christmas vacation in our home country to be with family, he also didn't come home in our home for almost a week. We had a big argument and he ignored my calls and attempts to reach out to him. I wasn't sure where he was staying at this time. I had expected for him to bring my daughter and I to the airport when we were leaving the US as he had initially planned, but he never showed up. He even resisted coming home for Christmas to be with us, until I had to beg him to come home. Our time together during the Christmas vacation was also pretty unstable with us both arguing, he was unhappy with the way things were planned for the most part. At 6 weeks of pregnancy, it was confirmed that I was pregnant. I told him that I was pregnant, I was extremely ecstatic, thinking maybe having a child together could bring us together. Unfortunately, he did not seem to share the same sentiment. At 7 weeks, I ended up in the hospital from dehydration, he never called me once to check up on me. At 9 weeks, my grandmother passed away. She was someone dearest to my heart, and he didn’t call me then either. In the past 3 months, my husband and I barely talk and communicate. I attempt to call him and reach out to him multiple times, he is either too busy or he isn't interested in speaking with me. He hasn’t once asked how the baby and I are. I have asked me to join me online in our ultrasound, but he makes an excuse that he may be busy at work. What broke the camel’s back was that we had initially decided for me to give birth in the U.S. He had mentioned that his work can give him 10 days paternity leave and 7 weeks off half paid. I was Cesarean when I gave birth last, and due to the position of the baby, it is likely that I will be cesarean again. I will need a few weeks to recover. Someone will need to help me with the kids. I had expressed to him that I needed help and asked if he could take his paternity leave, but he chose to only take 3 days off only.

I had expressed to him multiple times that I am hurting and that I need him to be there for me and to love me, his response was that I complain too much and he called me neurotic. I love my husband and I try to make things work, but I feel that he constantly pushes me away. I want to give up. My marriage is hurting me and it’s affecting the baby. I think we owe it to the baby to do what we can to try to rebuild the marriage, but I need for him to change too, instead of thinking that the instability is all of my fault. Every time I approach him to improve our communication and work on our marriage, he resorts into attacking me instead. He just doesn’t see that he’s hurting me, to him, I’m always the one with the problem. I feel that since being with him, my self esteem and confidence has been affected. I may be approaching him in the way that isn't effective for him, because when I want to have a discussion with him, he dismisses me, tells me that this is my fault, that I have problems. That leaves me hopeless. He doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with our marriage. I know that I am not perfect, I am flawed too. My anger and outbursts are not conducive for our marriage, but I am trying to change this.

 I wish that I had a supportive husband and if that wasn't the case, then I wish that I was strong enough to go through another pregnancy on my own again without being affected. Going through one pregnancy on my own was hard enough. I know that what I am going through is affecting the baby want to have a family more than anything in the world. I want our son to have his father to be a part of his life, and I want my daughter to grow up with a father too. I am conflicted with what to do. Staying in an unhappy marriage. Knowing now that we are having a son, it breaks my heart to know that he might not grow up without his father. Realistically, providing for both my kids and raising a household on my own is challenging. I was a single mom, without a partner to raise my daughter with, for many years. And it was so difficult for me. I just don't know if I can go through it on my own again, with two children. His emotional absence and neglect is impacting me. We have tried counseling multiple times, but we argue too much that he refuses to go to another session. He thinks that in order for us to change, that I will have to change myself and not him. In order for us to continue on our marriage. I need for us to both be willing to change and improve. I need him to love me, and be there for me, to be the partner that I need. I am hopeless and I don’t know what to do anymore. It is difficult for me to discuss this with family and friends, I need help and advise.

Re: 5 months and in unstable marraige. I don't know what do do.

  • I'm not sure how much internet strangers can help you with this. If you've tried counseling and are both very unhappy then I don't see the point in staying together. Of course it would be nice to keep the family together but he doesn't seem to care and you're wasting time begging him and arguing while you could be moving on with you life and getting yourself ready for the baby. I would personally move back closer to family for help with the baby when the time comes and if he wants to be apart of its life, great. If not then you're just going to have to accept that and start trying to move on. I personally don't have any experience in this but as a kid and teenager I saw my mom marry and divorce twice. It was terrible for her but I helped anyway I could and she got through it and is with a man that absolutely spoils her. Life is too short to live it unhappy, go find your own happiness. 
    Expecting baby #1 August 2016 
    Already have three furbabies- Blake, Sydney, and Chester 


    buriedzombiecatSelena2016
  • The marriage seems like it's over. You can't make him stay. I'd walk away. I know that's very tough, but making a clean break now is better than dragging it out.
    Who knows, after you stop trying, maybe he'll miss you and come back. Maybe by that time though you'll realize that you're better off without him. 
    But yeah, I think you need to act as though he's not in the picture anymore. (Which apparently he isn't.) And make all further decisions based on being a single mom.
    Nerdchildlindscnn1
  • Loading the player...
  • It's definitely a difficult time for you and your family. This isn't something that will be easily fixed or solved.

    You have said a few times that this is affecting your LO. The good news is that it's highly likely that, even though you are stressed or emotional, your baby will develop perfectly well. It's only extreme levels of stress (such as war or physical stress such as starvation) that will affect your baby.

    The other suggestion that I would make is for you to go to counselling by yourself. That way, you can discuss your concerns with an objective party, learn skills to help you cope and/or express how you're feeling in an empowered way and gain some support for yourself. It would be great if you could both go and sort it out together but, in the absence of that, getting yourself this help would be advantageous. It will also help you prevent or manage any symptoms of depression after the baby is born (or before if you're struggling with antenatal depression). I'm not saying you should get counselling because you are the "problem" but because it will give you some control over the situation. 

    It sounds like you don't have a lot of support. Maybe look for a mum's group, an interest group or some other social outlet to give you somewhere to find like minded people. If you're religious, perhaps a community around that or a club around your international community (you mentioned you lived outside the US for a while?). 

    Of course, no one here can answer whether you should stay in your relationship. Only you know whether it's worth fighting for or what kinds of things need to change. 
    image
    Expecting Double Trouble, April 2016
    image

    br0co1iiPlanetoftheGrapesburiedzombiecatcjt121413
  • Sorry to hear you are going through this.  He seems pretty checked out.  I agree with PP that counseling may benefit you whether the marriage works out or not.
    br0co1iiburiedzombiecat
  • If you can't do couples therapy at this time. Each so individual therapy. Usually there are two sides to every story and it takes effort to be able to see the others perspective. And living between two countries sounds incredibly difficult for him. There isn't anything anyone here can say to make it better for you unfortunately except that I am sorry you are going through this. But I highly suggest some individual therapy .
    April Siggy Challenge Social Distancing


    br0co1iiNerdchild
  • I was in a serious relationship with someone who was very emotionally withdrawn and had issues with priorities in the past, so I understand that feeling of neglect and loneliness to an extent. He and I were never married, and thankfully never had children together, but I noticed many of the things that you've talked about with your husband. I really hate to say this, but I don't think it's going to change. Some people are just withdrawn, and become even more withdrawn when they're unhappy. His relationship with you may or may not be the root cause of his dissatisfaction, but that doesn't matter; the fact that this is how he deals with unhappiness, and the fact that you clearly don't respond well to this, is enough reason to end the relationship.

    The advice I always give to friends in difficult relationship situations is this: If this person remains exactly as he is for the rest of his life, can you live with that? If you can, then move forward with him by your side and accept his faults while doing your best to improve upon yourself. If the answer is no, walk away.
    People CAN change, but they have to be the ones to decide to make that change, and unless he has explicitly stated what exactly he wants to change and work on within himself, and began to actually make an effort to make those changes, then you need to either accept him as he is, or move on.
    Me: 25  DH: 28

    Hubby's little boy - my wonderful step-son - born 5/23/10
    BFP#1: 06/2010...my beautiful baby girl born 3/7/2011
    BFP #2: 10/24/15...mc on 10/31/15
    BFP #3: 11/27/15. EDD 8/6/16

    "Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." -Winston Churchill
    SynnovusblackgirlmagicNerdchild
  • Can I ask a clarifying question?

    Are you still living away from your husband, in another country?

    Does he say he is willing to work on making the marriage work, and not following through?

    It seems to me if you are living in another country, and he is at all willing to try and work on your marriage, adding the stress of being long distance would be another hurdle you guys really don't need right now. I know my ex and I were in separate countries for several months and even though our relationship was perfect before he left, between the time difference, communication challenges and just.. not  being a part of each other's lives... it made it very hard to remain invested in the relationship, and for both of us to do things to support the relationship. We ended up breaking up after being together for four years because we were different people by the time he moved home than when we had a relationship.

    I'm sorry you're going through this.





  • I am sorry that you are having to go through this but it does sound like the marriage is over. He is not willing to change who he is to better your relationship. It takes two to make any relationship work. I also do not believe in staying in a relationship just because kids are involved. They will pick up on things. I don't see how he can be a good provider for your daughter if he is emotional and physically not there. I would suggest staying where you are now and have the baby there. Hopefully you have some good friends and family near by that will be able to give you the support you need when you son comes. I also think that counselling for yourself might be good as well. 

    Good luck with everything! 
    Married: August 2012
    TTC #1: July 2015
    BFP 1: October 30, 2015; EDD: July 6, 2016- Team Pink
    TTC #2: September 2019

    Nerdchild
  • I can't say I completely know what you are going through as I don't already have a living child but as far as deciding whether or not to end a relationship. ....I get that. I left my bf (yes I know not same as a marriage to some but due to my upbringing I really don't believe in the sanctity of marriage) a couple weeks after I found out he had ask another girl for nudes while drunk. His fidelity had always been in question,  we had broken up previously due to it. He was emotionally unavailable for the start of my pregnancy.   I was sitting in the car, he had been yelling at me tearing me down much as it seems your husband does....it occured to me that if I wasn't happy my baby wasn't happy.
     
    As you already know it is terrifying going through pregnancy without a partner, but is he really a partner to you? Partners are supposed to want to be there for their woman and their growing baby; he doesn't seem to be there for either. In my opinion you are wasting energy you could be using to enrich your daughter's life and to nurish your growing baby on a man that doesn't deserve to be there.
    You deserve to be happy and loved, without having to chase it.
    Nerdchildnoelani42bunnybunny2010
  • OP I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you find a little comfort in knowing that you're not alone. I am currently 6 months along with my first child, also a boy, and my husband and I separated about a month ago. I was the one who left. I completely understand the battle that you wake up fighting everyday: following your heart vs. listening to your mind. I know it's hard to even consider, let alone actually accept that maybe you love the wrong person. I know I'm still struggling with this.

    I could ramble for days, but it's not going to change either of our situations. I just wanted you to know you're not the only pregnant mama going through this. I truly hope that in time you find strength and happiness for both yourself and your little ones.
    NerdchildblackgirlmagiceightynineBabySunshine4
  • I'm going to keep this short. You owe it to your baby to be happy and not stressed. You are strong enough to raise a child on your own, and now you may have to do it again. However it seems that even though your husband is not emotionally available to you, he may be to the new child. Maybe he can help co-parent. You can wish all you want that he will change, but if that's who he is it's your call to stay or leave. You deserve what you want in the relationship, pregnant or not.


    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I hear a lot about what you need, but do you even know what he needs? It's a two way street. Your both to blame, you both are responsible for bringing a child into this world and both are responsible for any success and failures in your relationship. Sadly, the child suffers. The internet can't fix this, you need a therapist to help sort this out. 
  • The only person that can answer this is you, don't let the internet sway you one way or another. Theres times when I feel like DH is checked out too but I have to remind myself that I am able to make something happen. If you are unhappy like previous posts mention, then you're baby will suffer with in the womb and once he or she is born. You have to think of whats best for yourself and this baby, even if it may not be with your husband. 

    I wish you the best of luck and have strength to keep moving forward with your life for not only you but your kids as well.
  • Hi, I'm not sure what faith you are but I pray that God will provide you with the answers you need. Praying for strength for you and baby.


    Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God ’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God ! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don’t, dear friend, resent God ’s discipline; don’t sulk under his loving correction. It’s the child he loves that God corrects; a father’s delight is behind all this.
    Proverbs 3:5‭-‬12 MSG
    whenwillieversleepjtdali
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards