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September 2016 Moms
mom2adoodle
member
the MIL/Mother thread
mom2adoodle
member
A place for us to discuss all things related to our MILs (mother in laws) and moms.
Especially with a baby on the way, I know we've all got some stories! The good, the bad, the ugly...let's hear it.
(not condoning violence towards a MIL)
Especially with a baby on the way, I know we've all got some stories! The good, the bad, the ugly...let's hear it.
(not condoning violence towards a MIL)
Re: the MIL/Mother thread
I will be revisiting this thread often with stories. Mine is loud, needy, obnoxious, and obsessed with being Jewish (she is actually a cantor, which is the person who sings in a synagogue alongside the rabbi).. I am not Jewish. She can't seem to talk about anything other than herself and her own interests and she wants to be my best friend. I might offend some in saying that I don't think a mother and child need to be "best friends".. my mother and I love each other and are friendly but I don't go to her with my gossip and sex stories... I think that's what my MIL wants and it makes me ill.
My MIL has not cut the cord from DH. Most of the time it's great because I can rely on her, she will be there for us, she loves for us to visit, will shower baby with love, etc but...............
She texts me 20 times a day. Even if I don't respond. She has asked for our baby to have her maiden name as a middle name. She sent us a list of baby names before we even knew the sex. She doesn't have a job so I think she is bored, but since DH works a lot I'm her new target
This is nothing new. I should have known. For example: She ordered bridesmaid dresses for my bridesmaids without asking me if I liked them.... (she was "gifting) them to us.
My MIL, however... She is the sweetest and dearest woman. I love her with all of my heart. She has never been anything but kind to me, welcoming me into the family from day one. However...
Overbearing. Obsessed with her grandchildren. Unable to let things go. She was a SAHM mom her whole life and has a very old school "woman's place is in the home, I live to serve" POV. She wants to be involved in everything. Calls this baby "our baby." Has told me on more than one occasion that it's her dream to see one of her grandchildren born (sorry! Not happening). I honestly feel like once her kids were grown, she felt like she had no purpose. Once grandkids started coming, she felt useful again. She can't let go of the past and is in some ways trying to relive it through her kids and grandkids. I'm glad she doesn't understand texting, or I am sure I would get dozens a day. My dad and stepmom are what I consider pretty typical grandparents. They love their grandkids. They are involved when welcomed. They send gifts and cards, they want to skype (they live far from us), but they have their own lives. That's what I'm used to, so my über involved in laws are a little much sometimes.
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad
DH and I rarely tell her things because she is such a gossip. I'm fairly certain we won't tell her the baby is born until at least a full day after the fact and I already told DH that he absolutely CANNOT share any "birth stories" with her and she will absolutely pry about it. When DH's cousin had a c-section she sent everyone an email as soon as she found out "Little Annie was born at 3:15 p.m. via c-section" as if her delivery method was important news to include. I know some people will willingly share this type of info, and I certainly wouldn't feel anything negative about having a c-section or med-free or med-filled birth or whatever but I don't really like any medical info to be broadcasted ever and it's just one of those things that I don't think needs to be shared with every single person she knows and then some. Telling anything her is the exact same as telling all of her co-workers, all of the relatives, the target cashier, the bank teller etc.
The first time I met my MIL via Skype (she was spending a year in Israel) she told me "men, you can't live with them, you can don't most sexual positions without them"
I knew at that moment that this was not my kinda woman.
Currently it took her a very long time to get this degree to be a cantor (years beyond the usual). I would assume she has a lot of student loan debt (and has spent most of her parents' money at this point), and can't seem to hold a job (her current job was a 1 year contract which they are not renewing). She told us she's going to spend a year in Florida with her friend if she doesn't find a new job... how about you find a job outside of this profession and keep looking?
And @mom2adoodle here's another wedding story for you. She gifted to my husband the diamond from her engagement ring (divorced) and diamonds from a necklace. The diamond from the ring was initially going to be an earstud for him.. but he was fine with his fakeo (and no longer has the earring.. yay me). She knew it was for an engagement ring and supported us being married. Between proposal and the wedding she started asking us for money to buy the diamonds off of her - a couple thousand dollars (THE RING WAS ALREADY ON MY FINGER). And she had already said she couldn't help financially with the wedding or give us a gift. We were of the understanding that the diamonds were the gift. I can't tell you how much I love my ring but how often I look at it and want to throw it in her face so she can have her money back.
Matt had super curly hair as a baby, Emmett has straight hair, like I do. And she has to make a big deal of "I can't imagine WHERE he got straight hair from!!!" Ummm, maybe me? I think I was there when this clone of your son was born.. ya know, squeezing him out of my vagina!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ok. I'm done. For today.
Except that I will be trying to be the best/most respectful MIL ever to Emmett's future partner.
Can you guys tell I'm a mamas girl?
ETA: one thing my MIL does that annoys the crap out of me is compare all my daughters milestones (height, weight etc) to my sister in law when she was a baby. Yes she still has all the stats from the 80s! Like did my daughters not get any genetics from me? Lol
DD #1 3/26/13
Mo/Mo twins MMC 3/31/14
DD #2 3/31/15
DD #3 8/25/16
Ok... so I will talk about MIL
She is a great person most of the time.I get upset because she buys love with things and she is gossip. It drives me crazy. She cant keep a secret. I have a lot of vents about her lol
When we got pregnant with DD we announced to all the family together. She got offended because she didnt know exclusively before. So, in order to "fix" the problem we invited her to go find out the sex of the baby. She took her cousin with us! Whaaaat the hell?! Well... ok...
My baby shower with DD was big. Since the shower was at her house, she invited her friends to my shower, besides my friends and family. I had 133 ladies invited and about 90 showed up. I was overwhelmed. I ended up not giving attention to people properly because I had so many people! It was beautiful but she didn't want to do games because she said it was tacky and she ensured people that was a adult shower and children were not allowed. I could not believe on that.
So, when DD was born i imagined that maybe she would go more often to our house. Nope. She does not goes there. She is the only grandma my kids have and she does not participate. So, for her 1st bday I did in a party place and it was great. Her second birthday I did at MIL's house. I did it on a sunday afternoon so she could be there. She came after work, took some pictures and left! Who in the hell go away during your only grandchild's 2nd birthday at your own house? Answer: my MIL!
I was so mad! Actually I am still very mad about it.
So, she does not go to my house (we are about 10 min away). She goes to her friend's house that is very close to my house but does not go to my house. I am tired of telling her that she does not need invitation to go there but she does not go.
The other day, DH's grandma told me "oh my poor daughter said she doesn't see her only grandchild because you guys never bring her here for her to see!" oh my God I was so mad! So I told her "yeah? Did your daughter tell you that DH take DD to her business every monday for her to see her, and she doensnt pay attention on my child? Did she tell you that I keep inviting her over to my place and she is always tired and say no but she expects us to drive our child to her business all the time? Did she tell you that her daycare is a block away from her house and she does not stop by there to see DD even though her name is in the list?"... so, yeah grandma is on my side now. lol
My mom is awesome. A little pushy sometimes but she means well.
My MIL isn't bad, per se. She's a nice enough person. I just hate the way she treats my husband. She thinks she's the world's best mother but does little to maintain her relationship with my husband. Example - she texted him on hiss birthday. If he wants to talk to her, he has to call her. And if he wants our daughter to have a relationship with her, and FIL, he has to make the effort and drag a toddler and all her stuff a half hour away. The selfishness just drives me crazy.
Let me start by saying she is a very religious Greek woman. I am married to her youngest of three sons. I never had an issue with her until I got pregnant. She ruined the memory of the birth of my first son. While I was in labor I politely asked her and my fil to leave the room because I was very uncomfortable with the fact that she brought my fil in the room! She refused so I finally had a nurse kick them out discreetly. She caused a huge scene in the hospital, yelling at all the nurses and telling them that my own mother wasn't really my mother and tried to have them remove her from by my side.. After 36 hours of labor and finally I c section, I got to hold my baby for 20minutes before she ripped him basically from my boobs while I was feeding him.
We we went through this intense power struggle where she thought she was the mommy. She actually told me that my son was "her baby". She yelled at me when I would have a glass of wine and tell me I'm a terrible mother for drinking while breastfeeding "her baby". Honestly! Crazy. She would wake up the baby on purpose and tell me it's not normal for him not to be crying?? and of course she knew my feeding schedule better then myself? It was a nightmare. Now I'm very forward with her and not afraid to speak my mind. I'm not letting her anywhere near that hospital with baby #2!!
That's so nice that you have grandmothers that want to participate in your children's lives. My mom is currently in a wheelchair (she had cancer and the chemo ate away the cartilage in her joints). She has never missed a birthday party, baptism, holiday, school function, dance recital, etc. for either of my kids. And she lives hours away from us, just as my MIL does. My MIL, meanwhile, is in good health, is retired and has absolutely nothing to do, but has never been to any of my kids' birthday parties, school functions, dance recitals or anything that would indicate that she cares about their lives. Because it wouldn't be fun for her and because it's not about her. She'll tell you that she loves them "more than life itself," but you'd never know it. The irony of all of this is that she insists we visit frequently and she would flip her shit if we ever missed a holiday at her house. I don't think she actually wants us there, but she wants to be able to say that she had her whole family at her house for a holiday. Like I said...she's a maniac.
My MIL is just too much. Too much everything. She is so kind and cares about us a ton, I know, but it drives me insane. Her family is her life and her purpose on earth is to make her family happy (her words). I am trying to figure out productive ways to channel this woman's energy but it's hard.
Few examples of the too much-ness: she immediately sent us all her family names dating back 3-4 generations when we told her we were expecting, she LOVES doing laundry and even though we ask her not to, she will come into the guest room and grab dirty laundry (read - my thongs) and wash and fold them when we visit, she informed us of her plan to come visit for 3 weeks after baby is born (LOL), and she likes to rearrange things in our home when she comes to visit.
My mom is the opposite, very respectful and helpful but hands off unless I ask her to be more involved.
She takes the younger boys for us for a week during the summer, which I LOVE! Not sure if that is going to keep up when we have this one. But hey I'll try!
The one thing she does that gets on my nerves is she will come down this way for something, most of the time for my nephew who is 20. And she doesn't call or stop by. She came down a few weeks ago to drop a "new" car off to him and I thought she might stop by or at least call and see if we want to go out to eat. But nope. I do get jealous that she has a closer relationship with my other nephews and nieces, she has 12 grandkids all together. And it pisses me off when she calls and doesn't ask about our kids but goes straight into talking about what the other grandkids are doing or have done. I guess her taking the boys for a week is her idea of making up for that.
My mom on the other hand is a bitch and will tell you that. She speaks her mind and doesn't care what it is. There are sometimes when she just needs to keep her mouth shut. Like when I told her I was pregnant her response was well why weren't you on BC? No congrats or anything.
We joke that if she could still have kids she would.
This may sound mean but I think my mom is great with kids because she still very much acts like one herself. She's very naive, innocent and emotional and it's very hard to have rational adult conversations when she's tired, hungry, etc. She'll be a great resource when our baby is born and I know I'll appreciate the help, but this will be her first grandchild within an hours drive and that terrifies me. I may lose my shit if I can't have adult conversations with her and talk about something other than baby everything.
My MIL is a whole different story. She's a schizophrenic alcoholic who lives a few states over. We visit her about once a year when we're back in my DH's hometown but she's always asking for thousands of dollars because she spends all her disability on cigarettes and beer and it's gotten really overwhelming. We pay the back taxes on her house every so often so she doesn't end up homeless but we've been distancing ourselves. I'm worried about having kids visit her because her house is flea ridden, dirty and always has shady people around. I absolutely won't let our kid spend time there but she can't drive so she has no ability to meet us anywhere. It's also hard because DH's sister was killed and his niece's father won't let my MIL see her grandchild, and DH's brother stopped talking to her years ago so she has no relationship with him or his kids. Our babies may be the only grandchildren she could have a relationship with but I see no way to let her safely see them. So we'll see. DH and I will have to have some serious conversations about this.
I love my mom too. She is great and is so excited for her first grandchild. Although she did drive me nuts when she was begging me not to go on my SC trip because of Zika
OMG that is INSANE!!!! What does DH do through all of this? I would have lost my ever-loving mind!
In January we moved about 4 hours away from them all but my mother still lives in that area as well. My nephews first birthday party was this past weekend and my husband and I thought it would be a nice idea since we were traveling back for that to schedule an elective ultrasound for that Saturday so my mom could be with us to find out the sex of the baby. My husband felt guilty about that and wanted to invite his mother, I gave him the go ahead since I knew this would be her only chance to have anything to do with this pregnancy. He calls her & invites her and she acts all excited to come. Fast forward to Saturday morning, we are standing around at the ultrasound place with my mom and brother waiting on his mom. He finally calls her and she gives him this story about how she overslept because she didn't get home till 8:30 the night before (are you effing kidding me?) and decided not to try to make it. SHE WASN'T EVEN GOING TO CALL US TO LET US KNOW SHE WASN'T COMING!!! I told me husband that was the very final time that I was going to allow his parents to treat my children like they weren't worth their time. As far as I'm concerned they can find out that we are having another girl from the birth announcement that we send my husbands grandmother, and they are NOT invited to visit whatsoever.
So far dear exMIL has yet to tell ANYONE her precious son has a baby on the way. I think she's embarrassed because him & I aren't together anymore due to his cheating. But oops, he can do no wrong in her eyes.
So this will be interesting to see how this baby's journey into the world goes
My own mother is very supportive although she is a little socially awkward (like myself!) so she tends to get this weird squeaky voice & try to feel my stomach. At which point I run away because I really don't want anyone touching my stomach hahaa.
My own mother makes me nuts- we are super close (she had me really young) and I adore her, but she tends to stir the pot. She's been DYING for a grandbaby. I'm the oldest of her 4 daughters, and she has literally been up my butt about it for 5+ years now (I'm only 32 for Pete's sake!). Every year on my birthday she called me: "Your biological clock is ticking! Oh and happy birthday!" UGH! Anyway, she's beyond excited now that she knows- and DH and I agreed to let her come to one ultrasound- the 12 week scan- and keep the rest of them as just the two of us. Of course now she is insisting that she come to the 20 week scan (hell no), and wants to know the sex immediately after we do (nope- we will tell how and when we want, k thx), and now is being pushy about where I have my baby shower, how we arrange our apartment to accommodate the baby, etc. She insisted that I tell my sisters to smooth over some other family drama, pushed it on me to make it a big thing, and it went badly. Then she fell off the face of the planet for days. She's all over the place!
My MIL is a whole generation older than my mother- so they don't connect at all. She's kind of judgy about my mom (3 divorces, 4 kids, dating constantly while she divorced twice and then remained home with her kids and never dated a man after the last divorce... over 20 years ago). She never cut the cord with DH either. She calls him up to ten times a day, never about anything but to check on him. Like, "what are you doing?" "what are you eating?" "did you eat dinner yet?" "are you okay?" "are you drinking?" it's INSANE!!! She assumes he's getting into trouble all the time, and calls a thousand times in a row. If he doesn't answer, she calls like her tail is on fire and she's bleeding out. If he still doesn't answer, she starts calling me. When he had a heart attack and she was away on a trip, we waited to tell her till she got back because we knew she would lose her mind. While he was on disability, she called him all day long, and then would call me if he didn't answer while I was at work. AND despite his heart condition, she feeds him red meat CONSTANTLY! WTF!?!? She's not well herself- I swear she has the onset of emphysema but her idiot doctor is in denial. She can't even walk 5 feet without getting out of breath and coughing. And I know when the baby comes she will insist on babysitting but I'm not comfortable with her alone with the baby for more than an hour. God forbid something happens to her or she coughs and drops the baby. She has the nastiest cough- I gag when I hear it. She's a sweet woman, and she means well, but she stresses DH out like crazy with her phone calls, which stresses me out. She judges DH if he takes me out for dinner once in a while (when we do go out we split a meal to save $$ and we don't drink) because she sits at home all day every day. She makes me NUTS! I know she will have problems with my baby shower happening in the hot summer months, because she can't breathe in the heat so she will need to be indoors (making it impossible to have it at my family's places that have huge yards and pools). *sigh*
DH is the love of my life and she hates the fact that he's older than me (and I think she just dislikes him in general). After we got married she kept calling me for months and asking me if I had regrets and if I wanted a divorce already and to just say the word and I could leave DH and move with her. I'm like, just because your marriages failed doesn't mean mine has to.
I firmly believe in respecting your elders and I have never disrespected her because, after all, she is my mother. But her mental illness is toxic and she disrespects everyone, including the grandkids she has now so I know I have to limit my kids' exposure to her unless she gets some kind of treatment.
My MIL is a great lady. DH has his issues with her but I see how much she loves him and how she's tried to correct the mistakes she's made in the past. I've told him that I get his issues but that at least he has a caring, loving mother now that wants to make it right. My mom will shit on you and pretend you're clean while she judges you for stinking up the place.
Edit: grammar and choice of words, the more I wrote, the angrier I got, sorry!
I love DH's family, he has 6 brothers and sisters, and they're all amazing people. Our first LO will be grandchild number 6 for MIL, but she's still incredibly excited. However when we phoned to tell her the good news (I've posted about this before) she launched into a antivax/prodisease diatribe that was just unbelievable. She was almost in tears trying to convince us not to vaccinate in any way, shape or form because of the "autism risk" and the "toxins"... We told her in no uncertain terms that of course we were vaccinating. She got incredibly upset and ended up hanging up on us. DH let her cool of for a few days and called her back and she tried to convince her again, and he proceeded to counter all her arguments with some pretty impressive points (I was so proud). Now she sends us links to crunchy websites like every.single.effing.day about the "dangers of vaccination", none of which is based in any kind of scientific evidence. I finally got fed up this afternoon and called her and told her to stop. She had the nerve to tell me that of course I was offended, since I work in health care and I was biased because I was getting paid off by the pharmaceutical companies. EXCUSE ME?! I told her, first of all, I'm a student, so I'm not getting paid for jack shit. Second of all, it's really ironic that you accuse western medicine of being in it for the money when literally EVERY SINGLE WEBSITE you've directed me to has an online store trying to get people to buy their bologne supplements and "natural medicine". And finally, she has absolutely no say in how we raise our children, and while I respect her for raising 7 on her own, her parenting style is not our parenting style and she needed to back off. Needless to say we're not on speaking terms right now... this has literally been the only issue we've had our entire relationship, normally we get along really well. I'm almost afraid to let her be alone with the baby because she might give it a chicken pox blanket or something... FML
First, with our first child she showed up to our house uninvited all the time and her son wasn't even home! Then she doesnt want my baby to sleep. She thinks that if she is with him all day that he has to play with her ALL day. Whenever she would try to get him to nap he'd start fussing and she thought that he wasn't tired anymore or just needed to burp. She'd wake him from his naps then complain that he was grumpy. She gets mad because I won't let her babysit overnight or for long periods at a time. She gets angry when I go to my family's houses for holidays instead of hers (my parents live an hour and a half away... She lives 10 min. away.) She has showed up to MY moms house uninvited when my mom was babysitting him. She shares every single post I put on Facebook TWICE. She has gone as far as finding my older sisters, sister in law to find pictures of Ezra to share. she thinks that my sisters son is her grandson too and she's never even met him. And she always calls him "our baby". She ignores her 3 year old grandchild for my son who is a baby.
Now onto the worst.
She got mad when I wouldn't let her babysit while she was on 3 types of pain meds (including morphine) after back surgery and she couldn't even get out of bed.
She forced us into trying to visit her the other weekend then right before we were about to leave for her house my fiancés brother told us that she had pneumonia!!!! Why would you not tell us you had pneumonia when you knew we were going to bring our 9 month old to visit.
Seriously so irritated by this woman. She was so loving and nice and NOT crazy before we had a baby but now she's literally obsessive, annoying, and selfish now that we have a kid.
Oh, and she also sent me her side of the "family tree" when she learned we were expecting. With the full names of everyone. For "name inspiration."