Resentment — The Bump
March 2016 Moms

Resentment

My lo was 5 weeks early, but is now officially one month old. So far I have been ebf and there are times I love it and times I get beyond frustrated from the lack of sleep. My resentment is towards my SO. I have been so considerate of him and I feel none in return. He was not very involved with my pregnancy; he blamed it on not being able to have the same connection as me- I was understanding and did not push him. My pregnancy grew more complicated and landed me in the hospital on several occasions towards the end; he often grew frustrated with the frequent trips- I was understanding and apologetic. We had to feed and grow for a week after she was born because she had lost too much of her birth weight. I roomed in and he complained a majority of the time I asked him to come up and help saying there wasn't anything for him to do because she was always sleeping- I tried explaining that she was up every 2 hours eating and I was not sleeping, but I let him off the hook. He had one week of vacation once we got home, but we constantly fought. Being that I was ebf I did most if not all of the baby work so he treated the week like a personal vacation and complained when I asked for his help late nights and would dramaticlally sleep in and complain the next day about his lack of sleep-ha! I finally broke and went crazy  on him and threatened separation. He stepped up a bit by helping around the house and watching her while I slept. My anger and resentment now is that he chooses his computer over us (he runs a small eBay type business that he enjoys but is not necessary)- I've had computer smashing fantasies. Tonight I asked him to watch her until the next feeding so I could get a measly hour of sleep- she screams for 30 minutes until he busts in the room saying we have spoiled her. Every time he put her down she cried and would stop when he picked her up. I tried explaining to him that her stomach hurt and the pressure and motion helped ease the pain, but also acknowledged his thoughts by saying that yes she may just want the comfort. As soon as he gave her to me I layed her on my chest and she fell asleep almost instantly. After a while I moved her off of me and onto the bed-she screamed until I picked her up again. Thinking he may be right about us spoiling her I tried to comfort her without holding her- longest story ever-short- it was her tummy. After 30 minutes before I could calm her again I am livid. He is in the other room on the computer and I am still awake with her-going on 3 hours-when all he had to do was rock her, walk her or just comfort her until her next feeding ( hopefully getting her to sleep before) and instead, once again, I'm doing all the parenting. Even if she just didn't want to be put down why couldn't he just comfort her and spend a lousy hour of his time with her since he barely sees her?! 

I honestly do apologize for the novel, but I'm at a loss. I guess I just need validation that I'm not crazy or hormonal. I am coming to a breaking point. She is a month old. Why is this still a struggle for him? I am trying to understand and he has a ridiculous amount of freedom, but this is getting old and I'm ready to throw in the towel. Is this normal for first time parents? 
BabyFruit Ticker


Re: Resentment

  • I recently seperated from my child's father for similiar reasons. My child was not here before the separation but he would not have been of any help either. I have been told that a mother becomes a mother the minute she finds out she's pregnant and a man doesn't become a father until he sees the child. Everyone acts differently and because this is your first child, assuming, I would think he just doesn't know how to cope or what yo expect. I completely understand why you were so lenient during pregnancy but you should never apologize or have apologized for being in the hospital.. It's not like you really wanted to be there either. Maybe instead of being so passive defending yourself is what he needs to see. You didn't make your bundle of joy alone and if he plans on sticking around he should be playing the role of daddy. Good luck and I hope things get better for you! 

    mshukhastagray
  • I'm so sorry.  It's hard when you're the momma early on and you're exhausted.  DH says I have the mommy magic because just being near me or hearing my voice or smelling me calms the baby down, often when DH is at a loss of what to do.  With our first LO it left him feeling very helpless and frustrated that the crying wasn't something he could 'fix', especially since LO would not take a pacifier.  He finally found that putting LO in the carrier and strolling him in the stroller around the house worked for him.  Once he got used to the Boba carrier he realized that worked for him too.  Daddy's just seem to have a harder time with the 'potato' stage.

    But, later on, around 6 months when LO started waking up at night not necessarily to nurse, DH became the holder of 'the magic'.  With me LO would only root and scream to nurse but with DH he'd got right back to sleep with 5 minutes of bouncing.  Now at almost 2, Daddy still has the magic, because he can put DS in the crib, say goodnight, and he'll lay down.  If I try, he screams for momma for an hour, and I'm the one left feeling totally helpless and frazzled.

    So I say all that to show that with kids, you'll both get your share of feeling helpless or frustrated.  It just tends to take different forms.  And as a reminder, you can't spoil a baby by holding them too much or nursing too often (that was my MIL's favorite lie to tell).  Just maintain that mantra - it took a while until my husband believed it. 

    It helped us to look at things from an outline of behavior causes - we looked up anticipated weeks for growth spurts and for leap/wonder weeks.  It helped us get through the worst and most sleepless of times knowing there was a cause, what it would look like, and that there was an end in sight.  "This too shall pass".  There is a growth spurt at week 5, so  that could be a reason she's screaming every time you put her down.  With my first, I invested in a baby wrap just for those weeks where I was blurry eyed and thought my arms would fall off from carrying him all day.  But then it would change and he would be content again. 

    Just remember to take care of yourself.  Lay LO down and get a hot shower every day.  You're doing a great job, especially being patient with your DH.  Make things as straightforward as you can with clear instructions and needs.  You NEED to sleep for an hour, so he will have to make due with soothing methods x, y, and z. 


    mshukhLilLump2kdebesche4
  • And I'm with @Stormiewinter ; my DH is an absolute dick if he has to wake up in the MOTN so for now I just let him sleep because it's totally not worth it. 


    Katherine8908LittleChick2Stormiewinter
  • Sometimes it just takes them a while to understand. My dad was completely unsupportive of my mom when she had me. He just thought she needed to suck it up, being a mother was *her* responsibilty, and clearly other women could do it so she should be able to as well. She kept asking him to help her catch time to nap but he would complain and tell her it was her responsibility and that he had work to do. That was until she got into a bad car accident because she was so wiped out that she fell asleep at the wheel. Both she and I were okay in the end, but it was a wake up call to my dad. After that accident he always made time to help her sleep. Hopefully your SO doesn't require any drastic wake up call like that and can come to understand how important it is for both the health of you and your baby and the health of your relationship for you to stay as rested as you can. I'm sorry you are going through this kind of stress. Wishing all the best to you...
    Katherine8908LilLump2
  • smushi said:
    I'm so sorry.  It's hard when you're the momma early on and you're exhausted.  DH says I have the mommy magic because just being near me or hearing my voice or smelling me calms the baby down, often when DH is at a loss of what to do.  With our first LO it left him feeling very helpless and frustrated that the crying wasn't something he could 'fix', especially since LO would not take a pacifier.  He finally found that putting LO in the carrier and strolling him in the stroller around the house worked for him.  Once he got used to the Boba carrier he realized that worked for him too.  Daddy's just seem to have a harder time with the 'potato' stage.

    But, later on, around 6 months when LO started waking up at night not necessarily to nurse, DH became the holder of 'the magic'.  With me LO would only root and scream to nurse but with DH he'd got right back to sleep with 5 minutes of bouncing.  Now at almost 2, Daddy still has the magic, because he can put DS in the crib, say goodnight, and he'll lay down.  If I try, he screams for momma for an hour, and I'm the one left feeling totally helpless and frazzled.

    So I say all that to show that with kids, you'll both get your share of feeling helpless or frustrated.  It just tends to take different forms.  And as a reminder, you can't spoil a baby by holding them too much or nursing too often (that was my MIL's favorite lie to tell).  Just maintain that mantra - it took a while until my husband believed it. 

    It helped us to look at things from an outline of behavior causes - we looked up anticipated weeks for growth spurts and for leap/wonder weeks.  It helped us get through the worst and most sleepless of times knowing there was a cause, what it would look like, and that there was an end in sight.  "This too shall pass".  There is a growth spurt at week 5, so  that could be a reason she's screaming every time you put her down.  With my first, I invested in a baby wrap just for those weeks where I was blurry eyed and thought my arms would fall off from carrying him all day.  But then it would change and he would be content again. 

    Just remember to take care of yourself.  Lay LO down and get a hot shower every day.  You're doing a great job, especially being patient with your DH.  Make things as straightforward as you can with clear instructions and needs.  You NEED to sleep for an hour, so he will have to make due with soothing methods x, y, and z. 
    This! This is my hubby! 6 months or so and he's ruler of the world..   until then it's me :)
     Although he loves his baby Bjorn and I've even seen him strap a carseat to a tractor! Ha ha
    Katherine8908
  • One of my co-workers told me long before I had DD1 that's dads don't get really interested until like 18 months. It sounds horrible and exaggerated but it's sort of true for most it's just easier for them to relate to a KID. It used to drive me bonkers that I'd wait all day for him to come home and he'd be home for 15 minutes before putting DD in the swing. That being said they do NOT get a license to be a jerk. YOU are important and you NEED rest. if he can't soothe then he needs to figure it out. Bouncy seat? Swing? Rock N Play? He will find something that works eventually and needs to try until then. 
    Katherine8908clynn121ClaireBear90
  • This was me last time around. I had the mommy magic, and DD2 wanted really nothing to do with him. He got frustrated easily, and I felt like all the work was on me. 

    We we had a long talk about our feelings/frustrations, and talked about how to make things more equal in our house. He stepped up and made more meals, brought me things during cluster feeds, and took over more diaper changes. 

    Now shes 19 months, and he's amazing at putting her down for naps/night, and I really suck at it. She's such a Daddy's girl. He told me since that it used to make him feel horrible that she seemed to not "like" him as an infant, making him distant. 

    I'd have a talk, and hold him to what he agrees to. 
    Handfasted to my Best Friend 6/21/2012
    Tied the Knot for Good 6/22/2013

    Our Bunnies:
    James Edwin 1/5/2000 ♥ Annabelle Lynn 11/5/2001
    William Thomas 5/11/2004 ♥ Amelia Rose 7/25/2014
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    EDD: March 26, 2016

    ClaireBear90
  • I am sorry you are going through this. Would it help if you sat down and discussed certain times or roles he could take over?


  • I'm EBF too. During the week, DH sleeps upstairs since he has to go to work. DH cooks his own meals and does his own laundry too. He changes all diapers when he's at home. On weekends he sleeps with us and he changes the diaper before middle of the night feedings while I get prepared (nipple shield, breast feeding pillow, etc) for the feeding. This has worked for us. 

    Like others have said, I have the mommy magic right now and DH sometimes doesn't know what to do/ seems disinterested. I just always try to keep him involved. I ask things like "Do you WANT to hold him" or " do you WANT to burp him." A lot of times he'll reply "do you need me to?" And I'll just say, "no just giving you the option." 

    This has worked TREMENDOUSLY for us. Talk to your SO and see if you can work out a schedule like this. 
    ClaireBear90
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