My lo was 5 weeks early, but is now officially one month old. So far I have been ebf and there are times I love it and times I get beyond frustrated from the lack of sleep. My resentment is towards my SO. I have been so considerate of him and I feel none in return. He was not very involved with my pregnancy; he blamed it on not being able to have the same connection as me- I was understanding and did not push him. My pregnancy grew more complicated and landed me in the hospital on several occasions towards the end; he often grew frustrated with the frequent trips- I was understanding and apologetic. We had to feed and grow for a week after she was born because she had lost too much of her birth weight. I roomed in and he complained a majority of the time I asked him to come up and help saying there wasn't anything for him to do because she was always sleeping- I tried explaining that she was up every 2 hours eating and I was not sleeping, but I let him off the hook. He had one week of vacation once we got home, but we constantly fought. Being that I was ebf I did most if not all of the baby work so he treated the week like a personal vacation and complained when I asked for his help late nights and would dramaticlally sleep in and complain the next day about his lack of sleep-ha! I finally broke and went crazy on him and threatened separation. He stepped up a bit by helping around the house and watching her while I slept. My anger and resentment now is that he chooses his computer over us (he runs a small eBay type business that he enjoys but is not necessary)- I've had computer smashing fantasies. Tonight I asked him to watch her until the next feeding so I could get a measly hour of sleep- she screams for 30 minutes until he busts in the room saying we have spoiled her. Every time he put her down she cried and would stop when he picked her up. I tried explaining to him that her stomach hurt and the pressure and motion helped ease the pain, but also acknowledged his thoughts by saying that yes she may just want the comfort. As soon as he gave her to me I layed her on my chest and she fell asleep almost instantly. After a while I moved her off of me and onto the bed-she screamed until I picked her up again. Thinking he may be right about us spoiling her I tried to comfort her without holding her- longest story ever-short- it was her tummy. After 30 minutes before I could calm her again I am livid. He is in the other room on the computer and I am still awake with her-going on 3 hours-when all he had to do was rock her, walk her or just comfort her until her next feeding ( hopefully getting her to sleep before) and instead, once again, I'm doing all the parenting. Even if she just didn't want to be put down why couldn't he just comfort her and spend a lousy hour of his time with her since he barely sees her?!
I honestly do apologize for the novel, but I'm at a loss. I guess I just need validation that I'm not crazy or hormonal. I am coming to a breaking point. She is a month old. Why is this still a struggle for him? I am trying to understand and he has a ridiculous amount of freedom, but this is getting old and I'm ready to throw in the towel. Is this normal for first time parents?
Re: Resentment
I do expect him to step up with housework and help out watching the boys during waking hours (9-12pm and 5-7 am). It sounds like he doesn't have the skills to comfort baby and so he falls back on you. Let him know that it's ok for baby to cry for a little (sometimes they have gas etc and are just fussy). Show him different positions he can try to comfort the baby, over shoulder, over the knees, facedown on his arm, etc. if either of you are unsure watch some YouTube videos together. do you have a baby carrier, maybe that might be an option for Dh while you get some shut eye? Maybe your Dh is being a dick, but it could be that he didn't realize how much work a new baby would be and he is reverting back to old habits because of this (ex. My Dh also spends an absurd amount of time on the Internet, but when I thought honestly about it he isn't spending more time online, it is just that our demands are more and Sometimes I have needed to say I know this is your usual routine, but with 2 kids now I really need additional support with: insert need here). I can't stress how important it is to have conversations with him. I have heard the first 100 days referred to as the darkness and it is hard on everyone and hard on relationships, but things do get easier. Again I am not excusing some of your husbands behavior, but just offering some different perspective, because sometimes it is hard to see the other side through the darkness.
But, later on, around 6 months when LO started waking up at night not necessarily to nurse, DH became the holder of 'the magic'. With me LO would only root and scream to nurse but with DH he'd got right back to sleep with 5 minutes of bouncing. Now at almost 2, Daddy still has the magic, because he can put DS in the crib, say goodnight, and he'll lay down. If I try, he screams for momma for an hour, and I'm the one left feeling totally helpless and frazzled.
So I say all that to show that with kids, you'll both get your share of feeling helpless or frustrated. It just tends to take different forms. And as a reminder, you can't spoil a baby by holding them too much or nursing too often (that was my MIL's favorite lie to tell). Just maintain that mantra - it took a while until my husband believed it.
It helped us to look at things from an outline of behavior causes - we looked up anticipated weeks for growth spurts and for leap/wonder weeks. It helped us get through the worst and most sleepless of times knowing there was a cause, what it would look like, and that there was an end in sight. "This too shall pass". There is a growth spurt at week 5, so that could be a reason she's screaming every time you put her down. With my first, I invested in a baby wrap just for those weeks where I was blurry eyed and thought my arms would fall off from carrying him all day. But then it would change and he would be content again.
Just remember to take care of yourself. Lay LO down and get a hot shower every day. You're doing a great job, especially being patient with your DH. Make things as straightforward as you can with clear instructions and needs. You NEED to sleep for an hour, so he will have to make due with soothing methods x, y, and z.
Although he loves his baby Bjorn and I've even seen him strap a carseat to a tractor! Ha ha
We we had a long talk about our feelings/frustrations, and talked about how to make things more equal in our house. He stepped up and made more meals, brought me things during cluster feeds, and took over more diaper changes.
Now shes 19 months, and he's amazing at putting her down for naps/night, and I really suck at it. She's such a Daddy's girl. He told me since that it used to make him feel horrible that she seemed to not "like" him as an infant, making him distant.
I'd have a talk, and hold him to what he agrees to.
Like others have said, I have the mommy magic right now and DH sometimes doesn't know what to do/ seems disinterested. I just always try to keep him involved. I ask things like "Do you WANT to hold him" or " do you WANT to burp him." A lot of times he'll reply "do you need me to?" And I'll just say, "no just giving you the option."
This has worked TREMENDOUSLY for us. Talk to your SO and see if you can work out a schedule like this.