What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage?

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

My MIL told me my ectopic "wasn't meant to be".

scifichick09 · March 2016

I was talking to my older sister and mentioned how much I hate having to wear pads while I'm still bleeding and she said "Well, I just went off of birth control and am bleeding a lot too, so I'm right there with ya, I have to wear pads sometimes too"......how is going off of birth control even remotely comparable to a miscarriage?? I found her comment very hurtful.

ThePax89 · March 2016

I posted in a local moms group that I needed an ob to help with recurrent pregnancy loss.

A girl I had met a year prior messaged me saying that she was sorry for my losses, and that "I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my second! We are so excited!"

Bitch, I don't even know you.

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

When the nurse called to tell me about some lab work, she asked if we had other kids and then proceeded to tell me it was good (for some awful reason I've since forgotten). Yep, because that will make me miss this one less. You work in OB. how do you not have ready-planned answers/consolation?!

Several people asked how far along I was and when I responded with 8 weeks...."well, not too far then." You're right. That makes this so much easier.

iceandsnowflakes29 · March 2016

MamaNicoleof3 said:no

When the nurse called to tell me about some lab work, she asked if we had other kids and then proceeded to tell me it was good (for some awful reason I've since forgotten). Yep, because that will make me miss this one less. You work in OB. how do you not have ready-planned answers/consolation?!

Several people asked how far along I was and when I responded with 8 weeks...."well, not too far then." You're right. That makes this so much easier.

Same problem here. I have 2 living children but have a had 4 losses. I don't care if have no children or 10 children, losing a baby hurts. I don't care if I'm Michelle - effin -Duggar. Losing a baby to miscarriage (no matter what the gestation ) is awful. It is a tie with losing a parent, I know because I've lost a parent, too.

((Hugs)) people are a-holes.

MamaNicoleof3 · March 2016

iceandsnowflakes29 said:

MamaNicoleof3 said:no

When the nurse called to tell me about some lab work, she asked if we had other kids and then proceeded to tell me it was good (for some awful reason I've since forgotten). Yep, because that will make me miss this one less. You work in OB. how do you not have ready-planned answers/consolation?!

Several people asked how far along I was and when I responded with 8 weeks...."well, not too far then." You're right. That makes this so much easier.

Same problem here. I have 2 living children but have a had 4 losses. I don't care if have no children or 10 children, losing a baby hurts. I don't care if I'm Michelle - effin -Duggar. Losing a baby to miscarriage (no matter what the gestation ) is awful. It is a tie with losing a parent, I know because I've lost a parent, too.

((Hugs)) people are a-holes.

My loss was awhile ago, but it still stings when I think about it. And when I hear people commenting about MC, and saying these horrible ignorant things, it makes me livid.

jgbennick · March 2016

My step-mother-in-law told me, "It's God's will." after my first miscarriage. It took every bit of strength I had not to tell her that I think her God is an a$$hole.

My husband thought it was a stupid thing to say, but didn't really get why I was so enraged by it. Then we had a second MC and she said it to him. He fumed for weeks.

We just had our third MC this past week. We have become so jaded that now we are anticipating the so-called condolences.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

@jgbennick I am so sorry for your losses.

SnobunnieMel · March 2016

This comment wasn't about my miscarriage, but being only 10 days removed from the news of it, this was probably the most tackless things I've ever heard. One of my fellow PAs whom I'm very close with and is aware of everything and a doc were getting ready to leave work yesterday and chose to say goodbye with the phrase "we're going to make like a baby and head out". I instantly broke into tears.

SnobunnieMel · March 2016

I feel like we all need this.

Spartanrd4 · March 2016

Yes love this @SnobunnieMel ! Also so sorry about the comment your co worker made....people say stuff without even thinking

fivetimesnoluck · March 2016

I know that yolandamunoz posted one of this girl's cards recently, but I thought this one was particularly relevant to the continued conversation. Really, all of her cards are amazing and there are several that are spot on for the type of grace and humor I know I would have appreciated as my losses have happened. Unfortunately, like most of you, I usually get a bunch of crap on a stick.

Cheers to all of you!

And #fuckloss!

https://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards/products/gods-plan-empathy-card

Gods Plan Empathy Card

winnie83 · March 2016

I didnt get this comment myself but a friend of my brother's did. Chinese people have all sorts of taboos for pregnant women. Her MIL blamed her for her m/c because she attended her grandfather's funeral while she was pregnant.

olivia1540 · March 2016

My dearest sister-in-law only asked us 1 question...and that is "did she gain weight?" WTF?!

pbolt14 · March 2016

I have heard so many of the previously mentioned comments such as 'at least you know you can get pregnant naturally' and 'its lucky it happened now otherwise your baby would have been severely deformed' but the worst I have heard is 'It's been two weeks aren't you over it yet, why are you so miserable still?' After trying for 2 years and losing my first pregnancy to a partial molar those comment just made me even more miserable.

AL_TwinCities · March 2016

@pbolt14 after only 2 weeks?! Do people seriously think you are going to be "over" the death of your child in only 2 weeks?!?! That is ridiculous. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that insensitivity!

SnobunnieMel · March 2016

With all the miserable things we hear, I want to give some credit to my OB. I didn't like him much at first since I see my NP and only saw him for 3 ultra sounds, every time he made comments I was not a fan of plus the MMC news then my surgery.

But yesterday he took the time to really ask me how I was doing emotionally and make sure to comfort me in talking about how men and other people don't always wrap they heads around how it's not just "lossing a pregnancy" but it's the loss of your child. It helped me so much that he validated how I feel
about this and I think his explaination made DH see things from my side. He doesn't expect me to feel 100% better before we try and i actually left feeling somewhat better for the first time.

mandi135 · March 2016

Oof. I almost lost it with DH the other day. He told me he was "over it already" when I was crying. I think the look on my face made him realize his mistake and he quickly clarified that all he meant was that he was past the initial shock and ready to try again and wants us to be pregnant again, but really, dude, not the thing to say.

@SnobunnieMel , glad your OB is being supportive - that is so important!

pbolt14 · March 2016

@AL_TwinCities I know I was in absolute shock initially and the hardest part is that it's coming from family members rather than friends. A lot of my close family have never experienced a miscarriage so I suppose they just don't know how to respond. I'm trying to be patient with them but I've lost the plot on them a few times already. Thank you for your support.

pbolt14 · March 2016

@mandi135 so sorry for your loss and I completely relate to your situation. Some people have to say the most inappropriate things at such a bad time. It's good to know that your hubby is ready to ttc again but I feel people just need to understand that there is a grieving process as you are mourning a loss. My husband recently said to me (which helped me to put his insensitivity into perspective) that he didn't experience the flood of emotions as I did because the baby wasn't inside of him and he hadn't grown attached to the baby because it didn't seem as if it were real because all we ever saw was 'a bean' on a scan. Again his wording wasn't the best but it did make me understand why he never cried while I cried every day.

JDMRS · March 2016

When the ER doc to us we lost the baby, he said not to worry, and that he was sure we'd have plenty of kids down the road.

jatwal128 · March 2016

It funny, as I'm reading through these, I'm on the phone with the ultrasound technician to cancel an appt i had for tomorrow which i won't be needing since i miscarried this past weekend. She initially was great and just said oh i'm so sorry, but then proceeded to say 'well there's always next time right?". I was like oh, this is what a hurtful comment feels like and just responded with 'i hope so'.

chloe97 · March 2016

I'm going through a suspected miscarriage now at a little under 6 weeks. I was chatting with a friend over instant messenger who is aware what I am going through. She asked what I was up to this weekend and I said we may have to cancel our plans if i start miscarrying naturally because I will be in a lot of pain. She said "There is no way that can be any more painful than this meeting I'm in right now. Let me tell you." When I asked if she was seriously comparing a miscarriage to a boring work meeting she accused me of not having a sense of humor. Yeah. Not something you joke about.

BrightenMySky · March 2016

@chloe97 wow. No words. I thought you were going to say that this person just ignored what you said, which would be bad enough, but somehow she thought of a worse way to react.

RiverSong15 · March 2016

My MIL about one minute after learning about both of our MCs: "I'll be your surrogate". Ugh.

amberruka · March 2016

@chloe97 Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I hope it's not and TONS of encouraging thoughts your way. WTF with that response? Some people have no decency!

BrightenMySky · March 2016

Someone I told at work (a person senior to me that I do a lot of work for) keeps saying "it will happen, maybe not in the way that you expect, but it will all work out." Which I feel is code for "why don't you adopt." Even yesterday, when I was filling her in on the stuff going on w/my furbaby on top of everything else, she said it, and I was thinking (but did not say), "No, I'm pretty sure my dog is going to die of bone cancer before we have a baby, given that I'm not currently pregnant and what her prognosis is" =/= all working out.

1inthehopper · March 2016

I find I'm so sad and irritable some days I can turn just about anything into something I'm offended by. For example MIL is here and wanted to take some shoes she bought for DD that are too small now to SIL for my nieces to use. Instantly took that to mean we aren't ever going to have another baby so someone should use them. I know she was just wanting to pass them on since she bought them for DD but I was so offended.

Edited for spelling

Hopefulmommy1980 · April 2016

Today I had a coworker tell me "well as my grandma used to say I guess it was just a bad egg." Made me totally feel like it was my fault bc it was my egg that made my baby.

cls0602 · April 2016

I had a miscarriage, then my son, then a miscarriage and now a seemingly so far healthy pregnancy (13w3d). I was visiting family and my cousin says "I have a feeling this is a boy too, and your body was probably just rejecting your girls." What!!

HowlCircus · April 2016

One of my friends told me "Well maybe the universe is trying to tell you you're with the wrong guy" (as in my boyfriend who I have a house with). I sat on the other end of the phone in silence thinking to myself did she really just say that to me?! Yes the man or woman upstairs was like nahh he's not the one. Take the baby...

16isourluckynumber · April 2016

I've told about 20 people about our loss, which happened recently at around 9-10weeks (but baby only grew to 6w3d). 19 of them were very supportive. When I told my aunt, who I am close with but who does not have children, her reaction was "Don't take this the wrong way, but was this pregnancy on purpose?" Omg. Yes, I am blessed to have 2 children, and had confided in her that we were considering a third and that I was nervous about making it all work financially, logistically, etc. But obviously, we had decided to go for it! I think any time someone starts something with "don't take this the wrong way BUT" it shouldn't be something that should come out of their mouth.

ookatrikkaoo · April 2016

So sorry for everyone's loss

rkroupa · April 2016

I had a creepy older neighbor encounter this weekend that I still haven't gotten over. We told all of our close family and friends - but there is this one neighbor at my parents house that I am not close to and would never tell him. He came over as me and DH were getting into the car to leave after dinner. He made a point to look at my stomach and go nope, not pregnant yet, huh?? And I was like nooo - not yet (as Im trying to fight back tears...today is 6 weeks from my D&C). And he goes to my DH and is like are you having some trouble? Let me know, I'll step in, I have one already (referring to his son).

I think my husband was speechless. I just got into the car as fast as I could before I started crying. What the fuck is wrong with people?????

I'm still fuming and on the verge of tears when I think about it. Some people should just be smacked.

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

I am so sorry that happened to you @rkroupa! Some people are just assholes, plain and simple. I think I might of gone off on him if he said that to me. Ugh, people just suck sometimes

rkroupa · April 2016

Thank you @Spartanrd4. I was soooooo close to saying something about it, but I just wanted to get away. This guy is such a tool, who knows if it would have made any difference. I just can't believe someone who could clearly be my father's age would say something like that to me and my husband. UGH.

BrightenMySky · April 2016

@rkroupa that is disturbing. Have you had interactions with this person before? I would not have been able to say anything in that moment, but I would have a rehearsed line (maybe something like, "That is private" or "I am not discussing that with you") in case he asks you about it again (or in case he talks to you ever again about something other than a standard neighborly "as the mail come yet").

virginiaham · April 2016

@rkroupa I'm SO sorry you had to deal with such a wildly inappropriate interaction. I'm saying this because it needs to be called what it is: that is sexual harassment. That is disgusting and alarming. You or your DH can confront him with that if you need to in the future.

eta tag fail

virginiaham · April 2016

"But, hopefully...."

Today marked the first time that I was stuck in a room wanting to cry, with someone who was trying to acknowledge my loss but didn't know what to say and who I quickly didn't want to be around. "I'm so sorry," was ok. "But, hopefully..." wasn't ok.

Spartanrd4 · April 2016

I went to get my hcg drawn today and the phlebotomist asked me if I was pregnant...I know she assumed this from looking at the lab order but still, I had to say no I had a miscarriage. Ugh...I just wanted to run away except she had a needle in my arm

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