What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage?

citygirl17

I had announced the pregnancy to my parents and sister only.  When I told my Mom about my M/C she said, "well, I wasn't expecting that!"  I'm pretty sure I wasn't expecting it either, Mom.  

BrightenMySky

@citygirl17 that comment reminds me of the "ring theory of kvetching" (https://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407).  My mom was asking me a lot of questions, and at some point I just needed to tell her to look up cytotec on the internet because I was done explaining patiently.  

citygirl17

@BrightenMySky that article was an interesting read.  My Mom and I are actually pretty close but she has absolutely no idea how to react to this.  I know she's disappointed and sad for me but doesn't quite know how to show it.  

BrightenMySky

@citygirl17 same for me and my mom.  She was trying to relate by telling me about an issue she had with her OB during one of her pregnancies, and it was just another world.  

lilylover27

@BrightenMySkysame with my mom and me. We told our parents and siblings only so they all know about the MC. My mom then told me she had a MC before conceiving me and she was like look how well that turned out because I got you. I understand she was trying to be optimistic but at the time I was just like yea because that makes loosing this baby so much easier? Not really...

She also wanted to know everything and how it was happening and I was just like no, we are super close and always have been but this was between me and DH. Also she is the type that gets upset very easily so at Easter, only a week post MC, she comes over and hugs me and starts crying and I had to comfort HER and tell HER it is ok.

fivetimesnoluck

@BrightenMySky Love that you posted that article here. It's a great reference. I read that a while back and it made me feel better about being displeased with some of the "support" others have offered me. I know they mean well, but FFS....

BrightenMySky

@lilylover27 and @fivetimesnoluck the whole concept that you cannot dump in seems somewhat intuitive but it was so shocking how many people expected me to be able to comfort them about my loss.  My mom really needs reassurance that I am ok, and I wish she would just accept that I am not.

fivetimesnoluck

BrightenMySky said:

My mom really needs reassurance that I am ok, and I wish she would just accept that I am not.

This. 10,000x this.

lilylover27

@BrightenMySkyexactly!! YES!

rkroupa

@BrightenMySky what a great article. I posted it on my FB - I've been very open about the miscarriage and posted about it a couple of weeks after it happened. I wish I could anonymously email that to all of my family and friends. 6 weeks out and I'm still struggling. 

@virginiaham and @BrightenMySky - I have no idea how I am going to react when I see this neighbor again. He is actually close with my father - which made it even more disturbing. I am just going to keep my distance. 

MrsDramaK

I couldn't take any time off from work during my miscarriage, so I basically came to work on painkillers and with a heating pad.  I had bled on my light colored scrubs that morning, which my one coworker knew and knew why.  I changed into jeans I had brought for a work dinner we had that evening.  I was honestly in a terrible mood (understandably) and she was trying to pep me up so I wouldn't go to the dinner with the higher ups in a bad mood and she said "You need to take off the bloody pants and put on your happy pants."  I literally burst into tears that she would reference something that was (a) embarrassing and (b) in direct relation to the traumatic experience I was in the midst of.

SnobunnieMel

@MrsDramaK off all the things I've heard, that may be one of the most shocking. I can't believe she felt that would be an encouraging statement. I am so sorry 

fiorip

I've been through 3 losses, so I've gotten a few hurtful things. With my first miscarriage at 6 weeks, I got a lot "you are young and can try again" "it's not like it was a real baby yet, better for it to happen now".

When I lost my son at 21 weeks the absolute worst someone told me was, "oh, at least you weren't attached to him, it's different when you lose a child after he's been around a few years, like if he was 5 and called you mom, you would have loved him more by then, now, it's like he never existed, you can get over it faster". I don't know how a human being could possibly thing those are actually comforting words. 

HowlCircus

@fiorip that's so awful. Some people try to comfort and really just do more damage. I've learned when you aren't sure what to say all you need to say is I'm so sorry, be there for someone, and most importantly listen rather than speak. People really do say hurtful things that they can't take back. 

jade24422

I have a co worker I've know for 6 years who is pregnant, due in late June. I told her about my pregnancy so we could chat about things together, and of course had to tell her about my MC. She was very supportive at first but then about a week later it's like she forgot or something. She started complaining to be all the time about how awful she felt, how awful it is to be pregnant, etc. She complained about how tired she is, how achy she is, blah blah. I of course don't say anything because what do you say? I know she isn't doing this intentionally but it still sucks. She works at another office so I don't see her often thankfully, but on Saturday we were at another co workers wedding. I, of course, was enjoying some wine, and she said how she was bummed she couldn't have any. I smiled and said "Well, i would give anything to not be able to drink it right now." And it was like she didn't know what to say. She hasn't done anything since, so maybe she got the point. I don't want to be upset with people when they say stuff like this, because I know they don't mean anything, but it's still hard. 

rkroupa

@natsfan2442 good for you. Sometimes I think its so easy for people to forget and we have to live with it and think about it constantly. Sometimes they need a gentle reminder....

lilylover27

A new one today, wasn't said to me, but to my mother. That I am spoiled because I post pictures of new things and going out, must be easy since we don't have children. I am so glad they didn't say it to me because I would of laid into them. Trust me I rather not go out and buy new things if it meant having a baby.

BrightenMySky

@natsfan2442 glad you said something.  My SIL was complaining about her pregnancy in front of me before I got pregnant (when I was in the middle of fertility treatments), and it was so painful to hear.  

@lilylover27 that is so insensitive.  The whole just wait until you have kids and you can't do "xyz"--plus implying that you are spoiled because you are doing these things now--is really awful to hear.  

People don't realize how privileged they are (fertile people privilege?) to be able to think this way.

Spartanrd4

@natsfan2442 One of my co-workers is pregnant- she is due in May and another co-worker's daughter is due around the same time so there is a lot of pregnancy/baby talk all the time. I know neither of them mean any harm but it still is hard for this topic to be brought up on almost a daily basis. Is it wrong that I can't wait for her to go on maternity leave so I can have some peace? It's just hard to feel like that should be me also...I would be almost 17 weeks now and I just feel so empty when I see her but also conflicted because shes a good friend and I'm very happy for her. 

AandDM2014

rkroupa said:

Let me know, I'll step in, I have one already (referring to his son). 

What in the hell even is that!?! I'm sorry, but that is never ever an appropriate thing to say. I personally probably would have yelled some unladylike things at him. How rude!!!

lilylover27

I finally have my follow up appointment for my MMC. The OB office completely unhelpful for telling me what to expect, they said I just meet with the doctor. Anywho, since our parents and my one friend I told about the pregnancy know everything that is going on and that I have my follow up they keep asking questions. What are they going to do, are there any tests, etc etc. Of ocurse I am moody and tell them I have no idea not like I ever had a miscarriage before. The one that bothers me the most "When are you going to try again" number one I am still recovering from this MC, number two when we do decide to try again is between DH and myself not them and honestly we will not tell anyone when we are. I just hate it, every day it's the same, when will you try again. ENOUGH!

nmd9168

When I was talking about how I prefer walking in a park rather than in my neighborhood, because it's nice to have a change of scenery sometimes, my older sister told me "Well you don't have two kids to worry about" I said "I am quite aware of that. Thanks for the reminder."  

rainbowturtles

I've heard a lot of insensitive things, mostly with my first loss. Someone I considered a dear friend told me it wasn't really a baby/living thing yet so why was I so upset. What?! Telling him I'd seen the heartbeat made no difference. Not that it would have mattered either way, it's a huge loss no matter how far along

But just two days ago I got the old "Well, things happen for a reason" line....from my PHARMACIST!!! I was ticked. One of my friends said I should have punched her in the face and said "Well...things happen for a reason!" lol

RiverSong15

"Mother Nature rarely makes mistakes". So I guess Mother Nature doesn't think I deserve to be a mother?

rainbowturtles

RiverSong15 said:

"Mother Nature rarely makes mistakes". So I guess Mother Nature doesn't think I deserve to be a mother?

GRRRRRR!!!!!  That's awful. But it also just reminded me that Mother's Day is next month

kns1988

I had a D&E today, and one of my best friends texted me this morning and said, "Good luck today! I hope it's not too painful. Do they have to force open your cervix?" Girl, don't ask me; Google that shit. Love her to death but I didn't want to think about the nitty gritty details this morning. 

Doing pretty well, by the way. Just mild cramping so far.

BrightenMySky

@kns1988 I know!  We don't have to hold everyone's hand and explain things to them that are happening to us.  When I told one friend about our loss, she texted me to ask what the HB had been when we heard it.  I replied, and she wrote back something like "can the heart restart itself??!"  Yeah, not helpful.  And glad you are not in too much physical pain and the procedure is behind you.

ThePax89

A friend messaged me after my 2nd d&c for retained tissue. (She's pregnant and due two weeks before I was). She asked how I was doing, and I said I was doing poorly because my pregnancy tests were still positive. "Are you still pregnant!?" She asked, like there was even a piece of hope left. 

rainbowturtles

Ugh @ThePax89 that truly sucks

After my first one I went to the dr for a follow up so they took a urine sample to dip a pregnancy test to see if I was still testing positive but I guess nobody told the nurse?! So she comes in and says, "Well, you're NOT pregnant"

I was so upset. I was like...YA. I KNOW. I just had a freaking miscarriage, you insensitive twit. 

I didnt say that. She didn't know. But come on....pass on info before sending someone in!!!

AandDM2014

I went to my RE for a second ultrasound the day after I found out about my MMC, and the nurse who took me back to the room said "oh congratulations, you're graduating soon!". Uhm, no. No I'm not. She had my chart open right in front of her that said there was no cardiac activity the previous day. Apparently on the weekends they don't bother to read their patients charts.

BrightenMySky

"It wasn't meant to be."  Do you mean I wasn't meant to be a mother?  

RiverSong15

BrightenMySky said:

"It wasn't meant to be."  Do you mean I wasn't meant to be a mother?  

Ugh, I hate this one. It's right up there with "Everything happens for a reason". Fuck that, pardon my language. 

That and "at least you know you can get pregnant" are my two least favorite "comforting" phrases.

rainbowturtles

RiverSong15 said:

BrightenMySky said:

"It wasn't meant to be."  Do you mean I wasn't meant to be a mother?  

Ugh, I hate this one. It's right up there with "Everything happens for a reason". Fuck that, pardon my language. 

That and "at least you know you can get pregnant" are my two least favorite "comforting" phrases.

Yes! All of these!  I also don't like the "how far along were you?"

ThePax89

@rainbowturtles I would have flipped a shit on her. 

Hopefulmommy1980

When I went to er when I had some spotting before my miscarriage two nurses and the doctor looked at me with a confused look on their face and asked why are you crying?  I told the first nurse I was crying bc I was scared and in a flat voice she said. Well you need to stop crying it is not good for the baby. I wanted to scream at her if I could stop crying I would. 

Spartanrd4

I was in a similar situation @Hopefulmommy1980 except when I was in the ER before I found out of my MC I was tachycardic and they were like is this a normal blood pressure for you? I'm like no I'm scared and upset that my baby might be dead...what do you think?!

jdebaie

My sister's bachelorette party was planned the weekend after I found out about my loss and someone said, "Well atleast you can drink at the party and the wedding now!"  It took all my strength not to flip out.

kmkremp7

Feeling like I was responsible and had done something wrong (which I know is completely false) "It's not your fault. There are people out there who do drugs, drink, smoke, don't exercise and have perfectly healthy babies." Yes. I understand that. That doesn't help because I DID EVERYTHING that I am supposed to do and yet lost a baby at 18 weeks. PISSES ME OFF!

chloe97

I have 2 from this pregnancy. The first was when I told my friend that I was going in 2 days later terminate my pregnancy at 13 weeks because my baby had a lethal condition- the first thing out of her mouth was "Hey look at it the way -at least you CAN get pregnant". What? I did find out that she was coming to terms with IF, but c'mon be respectful of other people's stories and situations.

The 2nd is "Do they know why this keeps happening to you?" I've gotten that 3 times and it pisses me off. It makes me feel like it's my fault.

Taggarab

I know it wasn't intentional, but about a week after I had surgery to remove my baby and right tube I got a call from a nurse making discharge calls. I stayed overnight in L&D so she said she was calling "to check on me and baby." Obviously someone didn't pass the memo that I did not take a baby home and it really made me want to curl up in a ball. I was nice about it because it wasn't her fault, but probably the worst phone call ever.