One and done?

megstervt · March 2016

Are any of you FTM who will be one and done either by choice or not? Any STM+ moms who thought they were one and done, but clearly weren't?

This will be my and DH's first child and we are pretty confident it will be our only. We have always known we wanted only 1 or 2 children, but after how sick I've been I don't have any real desire to be pregnant again. In addition I cannot use hormonal birth control so we would be limited to barrier methods which doesn't sound appealing at this time. People keep telling us we'll change our minds and don't know what we're talking about and I'm starting to get annoyed. It doesn't bug me when I get unsolicited parenting advice, but this really bothers me. Are we really crazy or are any of you having similar thoughts?

ButterMyBiscuit · March 2016

I had my son in 2011 and I told myself I would never do it again. It took me 5 years to even reconsider having another. I also could not take hormonal birth control and even though it's frowned upon in TB world, we used the pull-out method and were lucky enough that there were no mishaps.
There was a time when we were just happy having one child and if we weren't successful with our attempts this time, we would STILL be happy with one child. The excitement of another baby took hold of us both and we feel like we've made the right decision for our family.
I say, keep your options open and see how you feel. There's no need to make any permanent decisions right now. Best of luck!

PinkLady2015 · March 2016

@megstervt That's just as annoying as people asking when you're going to start trying... it's such an intrusive question and always makes me stabby. My health has taken a bit of a hit with this pregnancy and judging from my facebook feed, my friends kids are always sick and subsequently they are as well. I know it will take tremendous energy to stay healthy and keep my health a priority when baby is #1 concern so right now... I'm not thinking that far in advance. My MIL has already sort of made mention of the "next one being a boy." The woman just can't help herself so I mostly let those comments go. But damn people, can't we just take it one step at a time?!?! I feel for ya... my best advice is to just tell them that your 100% focused on this baby and nothing else for the moment.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

I had my DD in 2011, and although she was an easy baby, we were hardcore OAD fence sitters for a long time. We really enjoyed spending time with DD, and one kid was easy....it was always easy to find a babysitter for one, it was no big deal for our parents to have her over night, we could have her in whatever sports/extracurricular activities without worrying about putting another kid through those extra expenses, etc. She is 4.5 now, and about two years ago, started begging for a sibling, and was even posing with her little friends baby siblings for pictures. We decided (not just because DD wanted one), that even though I hated being pregnant and the newborn stage, we really wanted to have another member of the family. Since there is a good age gap between this baby and DD, we have felt like we have spent a good amount of years getting to know DD, her personality, focus only on her needs and fun things we wanted to experience with her....without another kid in tow. In my family, it is the norm to have your kids two years apart. That has been "the way" for all of extended family, and my husband's family as well. And that works for some, but I remember DD being two and thinking "There is still so much that I want to do with her, experience with her, before I have a completely dependent baby in the house. I hardly know DD still!" Now DD is at the age where she is more independent, and she is SO SO SO SO excited to be a big sister. She understands everything that is happening, wants to help put together all of the baby stuff, loves telling EVERYONE how she is "four....and going to be a big sister!" I don't feel that having the bigger age gap, will mean that they have less of a sibling relationship and less in common....because my husband does have one cousin (who has three girls, that are each four years apart)....and his daughters are the best of friends and do practically everything together.

I will say that we did go into having a second with a different mentality than we did the first time around. We decided that we would try for another, but if nothing happened, we would only go as far as Clomid to help. Anything past that, we wouldn't do. And if we didn't get pregnant with another, then we would both be fine and happy with DD.

noelietrex · March 2016

Yeah people are a$$hats. I'm sure you'll make the decision that's right for you. I give everyone the "we're just going to start with this one and see how it goes" response to avoid their (unwelcome) input. Before we were married and having the future kids talk I was saying 3-5 children and DH was saying 2-3 (ha! naive, young us). Now DH is saying one and done sounds pretty good. I'm saying one until this one is in kindergarten, keep all the baby stuff boxed in the basement, and reevaluate around the 4-5 year mark. We did the charting + pull out method of BC with success for 2 years before we decided to TTC. We'll pull and pray again until we're ready for another or decide on a more permanent solution. This is probably only viable because we'd be open to a surprise second though. Good luck figuring it out for you guys! And if I were you I'd stop sharing the future plans and get on board with being non-commital. People will always be sh!ts with their comments so leave them in the dark!

SparkySunshine · March 2016

I agree with keeping your options open,but it absolutely is OK to say "this is it!". This will be number #2 for us. While I really really really dislike being pregnant, I LOVE being a mother. Pregnancy is hard. I never got " baby fever" after DD was born, but we knew we weren't done so I mentally prepared as much as I could to try for LO #2, and and here we are. It is relatively normal while pregnant/shortly after to not want to do it again.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

I will also add that many of the ladies from my 2011 BMB that originally said that they were OAD, ended up changing their minds. Some of them, are already up to three kids........all by choice. HAHA! Some had another right away, but most of them were like me, and wait until after their 2011 child was 3.5 years old. I know in our house, by around age three, was when we all started to feel like we were getting back on our feet, having time to ourselves again, and not feeling as overwhelmed as we did with a child under the age of three. There are a couple of moms that did not change their mind, and I would say that 3/4 of those were ones that REALLY struggled just to get pregnant with that first one (had to have a lot of medical interventions), and one that found out the day of delivery, that she had a heart condition (her heart stopped beating and she had to have emergency surgery), so she was advised not to have anymore due to the strain on her heart with the condition that she had. There are a small handful of others that just stayed OAD because either their husband didn't really do any parenting (so they didn't want another child to be dependent on the mom as well), and some that just really hated being a parent.

silvers626 · March 2016

During and immediately after my first pregnancy DH and I were leaning toward OAD. Obviously that's not the case now. We decided we really wanted DS to have a sibling and that we were ready to take on another baby. But it took a lot of thought and I had to "feel ready". When the time came I knew it was the right thing to do and I literally went from being on the fence to ready overnight. All this being said, I was also really bothered by people's comments and questions about the subject. I started out telling people it was a decision between DH and myself and they'd know when another baby popped out of me. But it eventually escalated to me asking people if they were that interested in mine and DH's sex life perhaps they'd like a calendar with the days marked off? It's no one's GD business but your own so tell them that!

mandyjulie · March 2016

PhoebeJune1984 said:

We decided (not just because DD wanted one), that even though I hated being pregnant and the newborn stage, we really wanted to have another member of the family. Since there is a good age gap between this baby and DD, we have felt like we have spent a good amount of years getting to know DD, her personality, focus only on her needs and fun things we wanted to experience with her....without another kid in tow.

Ditto this times a million! I really despised the newborn phase (and I always figured I would) and it took me a while to "forget," as they say.

I could have been one and done, it would have been fine by me, but my DH is an only child and this would not have been OK for him. I'm happy about having another now.

That said, the questions and cynicism you're getting about being one and done I'm already getting about whether we'll "go for a third."

I'll give you the same advice we're giving ourselves -- take it one baby at a time.

You don't have to decide now or declare anything, ever. Just try to let their comments roll off your back, because ultimately it's going to be your call, and no one else can really guess or have a say in what you'll do.

DataJane · March 2016

We always wanted two but I know a lot of people who were pretty sure they were OAD and stuck to it. It probably depends where you live and who your peer group is but I feel like having one is pretty common these days. Just be warned that people will ask you pretty much constantly so you probably want to have a plan about what you are going to say. Our families were super cool but random friends/acquaintances started asking when we were going to have another one literally weeks after my son was born, what the hell people?

TiffRox81 · March 2016

Man!! Already being harassed about baby #2?!? Some people really are crazy. I LOVE the response PP have given, Let's just see how this goes! Every family dynamic is different. My husband and I are both from very different family backgrounds - me, my mom's only child and a few half-siblings from my dad but we always lived far away from them. My husband is one of 6! We both know the cons of each of our upbringings. I feel like 2 is the best number for us, but we'll see. My husband is very fond of OAD. We're also not 20 something spring chickens so we're weighing it all out! But at the end of the day....whose business is it?! No one but yours!!

PugsandKisses · March 2016

I knew that we wanted 3 or 4. My first two are the same sex, people were horrible about trying for a 3rd to get the other sex. Umm, no, we are trying for a 3rd to have a 3rd. The 3rd is the other sex, and now people are saying 'wow, now your done because yoy have bother girl/boy.'.

They don't get a say in my reproductive life. I just look at them and say 'no, we are done because 3 is enough '

jlmartinez517 · March 2016

When my husband and I started dating, he wanted 4 children and I wanted 2. Now, we're both kind of thinking one and done for all the ease others have mentioned above. But, I'll never say never. We'll have to see where we are and how we feel in a few years. I agree with all PP in that it's no one's business but your own!

megstervt · March 2016

Thanks everyone! It's nice to hear the stories and thought processes. My response to people is generally a "we'll see" with a half smile or if I'm annoyed, "I'm an only child, are you saying there's something wrong with that?"

I guess we will see, but it's nice to know its not abnormal to think this will be our only!

austinjl · March 2016

I told my husband several times during my first trimester that I might only do this once. Pregnancy is super hard!!! Maybe I'll feel differently once baby boy is here but.... I may not. It's up to you!!!

blissylissy86 · March 2016

@austinjl my husband keeps saying that this will be our only one because of my morning sickness. I tell him that I want two and I'm the one throwing up

FluffleSprout · March 2016

We were OAD we thought. This pregnancy was an oops and I was pretty freaked out at first but I've come around and I'm really excited now. We had been discussing when we might get DH's vasectomy but we weren't rushing. I can say I'm very glad for this baby now almost four years later but I don't think I would have tried for a second.

It's fine to be OAD and I'll never judge a family for its size but I would recommend keeping your options open for a while if you aren't certain.

rakel88 · March 2016

We haven't had a real talk about it but I'm pretty sure, for me, this is it. I have a feeling my husband might want another..
It took a long time for me to even decide/realize I wanted ANY children to begin with, and the thought of then going from having the one I finally decided to have, to having more than that is nuts to me right now.
BUT minds can change (as mine has before obviously) so who knows..

mamafox14 · March 2016

I always wanted 2-3, except when I was little I wanted like 7-10 because I was clearly deranged. Between the anxiety over loss and the sickness, there were definitely points during 1st tri that I was like "never again!". Then he started kicking regularly and my husband got all nest-y and I was like "okay maybe one more, in a few years". Really I don't know what will happen or what we will want down the line, but no matter what, it's no one's f-ing business! My MIL has already said things about "when we have another" really I think because she wants us to have a girl. Not only is it in no way up to her or anyone else, it's rude to make any assumptions about others family planning decisions.

oneliloaktree13 · March 2016

I know we've decided we're having two, possibly three, no matter what though I said I'm done having kids at 35. However, my husband and I have been discusing adoption or fostering at some point, if I couldn't get pregnant we would have been going that route anyway. People have asked the whole "are you going to go for a girl next" and I respond with I don't really care as long as I have healthy children.

Weville · March 2016

We are in the one and done camp. When we first started ttc we planned on probably three, more if we could but that was five years ago. We are getting a lot of people telling us we will want more or that the next one will be super easy, I just shut them down. If we do change our mind we are going to adopt, this is my last pregnancy.

pourmeanothermocktail · March 2016

@oneliloaktree13 We're in a similar boat, we always wanted 2/3 for sure, and I don't plan on having any after 35 for many reasons. However, at the same time, I have done some preliminary looking into adoption/fostering options and adoption is actually very expensive (at least in the Chicagoland area) with legal fees and such. Significantly more expensive than pregnancy and birth are currently looking, so we're not sure if that route will ever be possible We figured we would just kinda go with the flow and see what happens.

tmk0325 · March 2016

When we first talking about having kids I was in the one maybe two boat. Now that I'm pregnant with twins and we are getting one and two right away, I actually said to my SO the other day that I'd seriously consider three down the road. Maybe because I've had an easy pregnancy so far or maybe I just have baby fever now. I don't know. I also said that could entirely change depending on how they are! I can completely understand being in the one and done camp though. You will know what's right for you when the time comes!

oneliloaktree13 · March 2016

@RideNRunMomma oh it's expensive here to, it's so saddening that it's like that here. Could go into a whole thing about it, but I'm sure about 90% of the reasons you're not going over 35 I'm right there with you.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

mandyjulie said:

PhoebeJune1984 said:

We decided (not just because DD wanted one), that even though I hated being pregnant and the newborn stage, we really wanted to have another member of the family. Since there is a good age gap between this baby and DD, we have felt like we have spent a good amount of years getting to know DD, her personality, focus only on her needs and fun things we wanted to experience with her....without another kid in tow.

Ditto this times a million! I really despised the newborn phase (and I always figured I would) and it took me a while to "forget," as they say.

I could have been one and done, it would have been fine by me, but my DH is an only child and this would not have been OK for him. I'm happy about having another now.

That said, the questions and cynicism you're getting about being one and done I'm already getting about whether we'll "go for a third."

I'll give you the same advice we're giving ourselves -- take it one baby at a time.

You don't have to decide now or declare anything, ever. Just try to let their comments roll off your back, because ultimately it's going to be your call, and no one else can really guess or have a say in what you'll do.

This totally! My husband is the last to carry on the family name. He is actually starting to talk about a third, just because he wants three kids (not because he is hoping to have a boy in the mix). I told him that I didn't know if I could handle three girls in the house, all four of our periods syncing up, OMG....it would be a nightmare.....

However, people are already asking us that if this one is a girl, if we will try one more time for a boy. Ummmm.....no. If we decide to try for a third, its because we want a third and have already invested enough money in Tampax stock.

lolomommy1 · March 2016

After my second I said to my husband "I am never doing that again" and I meant it, but sometimes its not always up to you. hehe I got an IUD immediately after having my daughter but apparently that wasnt enough, because here I am with my third on the way. I am a bit terrified to be honest, but Ive learned that life throws you curve balls every once in a while and you have to go with them. Although I love my baby more then anything, I am not sure how exactly we are going to make three work, as it was not in the plans at all but it will definitely be an adventure. This time my husband will be getting a vasectomy, because apparently no form of birth control is reliable for me.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

At some point, if you continue saying "we aren't having anymore", people will stop bringing it up and asking. When DD hit age two, family members and friends went on and on about how it was time to start trying for another. I never once mentioned that we were OAD fence sitters, because I didn't want them continuing to ask, or trying to convince us. I would also get hounded by my sister and aunt about how "you don't want to have to start all over again!" and all of that jazz. Either way, I was starting all over, as DD was sleeping through the night at 3mo, and I didn't want to be dealing with trying to potty train while pregnant, and either way.....we are still dealing with the same amount of carseats and everything. I told the two of them, that if they are paying for one, and going to stay at my house during the newborn phase, then I would have another. That shut them up real quick. It is easy to make suggestions/demands on more babies, when you are just the one that snuggles them and gives them back to their parents. Completely different, when you are the one going through the pregnancy, L&D, sleepless nights, teething, etc. I was just always firm in saying that we loved just having one, and we didn't want anymore kids. By about the time she was 3 years old, everyone stopped asking. And by the time that we decided that we were ready for another, and started trying, we didn't have any pressure from anyone....or any questions from anyone. We just did our thing, got pregnant, and then it was a shock to everyone that we were expecting again and that it was planned.

givemepenguinss · March 2016

We always planned on 2. This is our second, and we are soooooooo done after this little one is born

whataboutscience · March 2016

I had a friend in a similar boat who was throwing up daily for her whole pregnancy. She was the most miserable pregnant woman I have ever seen. She told me that they were not having more children and they now have number 2 about 2.5 years after their first. It's no one else's business and rude to tell you that they know you will change your mind. However, you forget a lot of the hard stuff or decide it was all worth it when you have that baby. I don't think it's uncommon for people to think they're one and done shortly after having a baby and to change their mind later down the road.

crixiegirl · March 2016

I am one and done after this one. DH has two from a previous marriage and I have no desire to feel as sick as I did again. When people ask and I say one and done they say "don't say that yet" well...you aren't me and unless I win the lottery and there is a magic pill that actually works for how sick I was, this is not happening again. I'm getting tired of people responding that way honestly as they don't know my financial state or emotional feelings on the whole thing. Few people have been understanding and reply with "I don't blame you". I could probably just go with the we'll see statement, but I have a hard time being dishonest for the sake of avoidance...that's just me.
Thanks for starting this thread @megstervt...I've been thinking about this a lot!
Edited: submitted accidentally before done

Shelby00519 · March 2016

I want another one, if it's a girl then we're done if it's another boy we'll most likely try again but no matter what we're done at 3. I don't know exactly when we'll have another. Part of me doesn't want to start back up with birth control and see what happens, the other thinks we should wait till January 2018. DH is okay with whatever I decided but we'll see what happens once he gets here

I want to enjoy him when he's a baby/toddler and the only thing that scares me was how sick I was in the first trimester.

ashleighhughes · March 2016

@Shelby00519 same! I'm pregnant with a girl right now and hubby and I really want a boy to carry on the family name. We want to wait until baby girl is at least 2 or 3 to try for another. If it's another girl we may go for a 3rd.. But definitely done after 3. No matter what.

MDmomma1217 · March 2016

I had my daughter in 2009 - I completely understand what you mean about not wanting more children because of how sick you feel. I had hyperemesis and threw up until the day she was born (even on Zofran). For a long time, we went back and forth on whether we wanted a sibling for her, and looked into adoption as an option (we researched both foster to adopt and private adopt options - both domestic and international). We finally decided to try on our own for #2; I was really hoping I would enjoy at least one pregnancy somewhat. I've been sick this pregnancy too, not as bad as with DD, but still enough that this is confirmation that my body just can't handle it. To be honest, I will be glad when July comes, I'm just not one of those women who enjoys being pregnant because I just feel sick the entire time.

fleurdelakeview · March 2016

We would like 2 (especially my husband bc he's an only child) but Im afraid we may end up OAD just because of other factors. Age will play a part as well as how expensive childcare and school will be (no good public schools so we have to pay for private). Fortunately no one has asked us yet so I don't have to get into it with them but it's been on my mind for the past few weeks, especially after I got our childcare quote.

BritMC18 · March 2016

::Lurking from August 2016 (due Aug 03):: I can completely understand the "1 and done" mentality. Up until last year, we weren't planning on having any children at all. When we changed our minds, it was very much a "1 and done" discussion. A lot of factors went into our decision and it bugs the hell out of me when people say "Just you wait", or something similar. I should say this is entirely by choice, not because of any health issues. In fact, if for some reason I had to have a c-section, I fully plan on asking to have my tubes tied while they're in there.

Our reasons mostly boiled down to lifestyle choices. We live in the city in a 2 tiny bedroom, 1 bath house that we are in LOVE with. 2 kiddos would never fit in this house. We enjoy travel and while 1 kid strains the finances a bit, frequent traveling will still be possible. There were other factors as well - I hate being pregnant - but lifestyle choices are our driving factor.

We have discussed the possibility of having a change of heart in the future. We both agreed if that were to happen we would adopt instead of have another biological child.

In the end, you do what you feel is right for your family. For us, it's one kid. Nothing wrong with that.

mnkenned · March 2016

Do whatever is right for your fam. I just wanted to add that the copper IUD is a non-hormonal birth control option. Your periods may be heavier, and it's not quite as effective as a hormonal option, but it's super convenient and can stay in for 10 years.

MrsRo731 · March 2016

I can't believe people are already asking you about #2 - people are so rude!

We had always planned on 2 but after DD arrived I really wasn't sure. I grappled with being OAD for the first 1.5 years of her life for many reasons; DH always wanted another but would've been okay with one, too. We had originally planned on starting to try for #2 in spring of 2015 and I just wasn't ready. We took a vacation in August just the two of us and that was when I decided I was ready for #2. We decided if it didn't happen after a few months we would stop trying and not take any additional steps to become pregnant.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with OAD so don't let anyone try and make you feel guilty if that's what you decide to do. My sister was OAD with my niece and it has worked perfectly for their family.

rnyland1 · March 2016

Now that people know I'm having my second boy, people are already asking if we're going to try to again for a girl. What is the obsession with people and the family balance thing?? I know plenty of families who have all boys or all girls and they are doing just fine. If we decide on adding a third child, then maybe we will try again. But we are not going to "try" for a girl. Also, I feel like people get way more excited when they find out you're having a girl vs. a boy. That I don't get either! I have some great men in my life, like my husband and my father, and I'm proud to be raising two boys! On the flipside I have little/no relationship with my mother, mother-in law, or sister. Every family dynamic is wildly different, regardless of the sex of your children. Anyways, I'm not going to let the sex of my existing children dictate whether or not we decide to try and have a third child.

cy&damonsmommy · March 2016

I have a 12 year old son and am currently expected ting my second. This is my husbands first. Another boy for me. Lol. We have decided eventually to try for a girl. However it turns out though three is my limit.

PhoebeJune1984 · March 2016

ashleighhughes said:

@Shelby00519 same! I'm pregnant with a girl right now and hubby and I really want a boy to carry on the family name. We want to wait until baby girl is at least 2 or 3 to try for another. If it's another girl we may go for a 3rd.. But definitely done after 3. No matter what.

I don't even bother with the family name nonsense, and my husband doesn't either (not enough to keep having kids anyway). I gave up my last name, and it was important to me. But even if we were to have three girls, one of them could totally end up wanting to keep her last name when she got married, and not change it. Or one could end up being gay, and never want to change her last name. But same with a boy, he could be gay and decide to take his partners last name. Or he could marry a woman and take her last name (our friend did that), or he could never have children and never pass on the last name anyway....and the last name would still stop. So we both know there are more important things in life, than having a third to try for a boy....to bring down the name.

So we refuse to try for a certain sex. Its just not worth it to us. We would have been the same if we ended up with two boys, I wouldn't try for a third to try for a girl.

DominiqueU · March 2016

PhoebeJune1984 said:

ashleighhughes said:

@Shelby00519 same! I'm pregnant with a girl right now and hubby and I really want a boy to carry on the family name. We want to wait until baby girl is at least 2 or 3 to try for another. If it's another girl we may go for a 3rd.. But definitely done after 3. No matter what.

I don't even bother with the family name nonsense, and my husband doesn't either (not enough to keep having kids anyway). I gave up my last name, and it was important to me. But even if we were to have three girls, one of them could totally end up wanting to keep her last name when she got married, and not change it. Or one could end up being gay, and never want to change her last name. But same with a boy, he could be gay and decide to take his partners last name. Or he could marry a woman and take her last name (our friend did that), or he could never have children and never pass on the last name anyway....and the last name would still stop. So we both know there are more important things in life, than having a third to try for a boy....to bring down the name.

So we refuse to try for a certain sex. Its just not worth it to us. We would have been the same if we ended up with two boys, I wouldn't try for a third to try for a girl.

Thank you! I never understand the "I want to have a boy to carry on the family name" thing. If you want another child, it should be because you want to have another child, not as some weird legacy insurance.

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