With all the additional context (avoiding waste rather than evincing greed, throwing her own shower because that's what's expected) a lot of the OP's original message doesn't seem so bad.
So--to @Crystalbolte's question: You can't. You can indicate what you think you need via a registry (and I highly recommend the Encore Baby registry so that you can sign up for categories of things and let the buyers choose what they want to get you or gift you--even secondhand!). If there are no clothes on the registry, people will likely assume you've got everything you need on that front, but that won't stop them from giving you something they find charming or meaningful.
But most importantly, you can STOP PANICKING Both because of what other posters have said (about putting it all in perspective and about how little you really "need" for Baby), but also because for baby showers, where people want to give you things and have you open them at the party, registry items are frequently purchased last-minute in-store rather than online (or last-minute online and the gifter will give you a card telling you what they've purchased).
And, as someone who's been an out-of-town invitee for many, many baby showers: when you can't attend and you're just sending a gift, the most important thing is to send the gift before baby arrives, not before the shower. So I actually usually wait (when I can't attend a shower in person) until after the shower to see what other folks did not buy and then I will often ask the parents what they need most.
So--Don't Panic
Just wanted to add that I didn't think the OP was as awful as everyone else seemed to and also that I can relate to being worried about getting all the things baby needs! I lost my job at 4 months pregnant and suddenly all the extra cash flow we had was gone so I suddenly felt very reliant on the generosity of friends and family! I will say that many of the posters were right on mentioning that friends with kids may have some great gifts of items that have been invaluable to them and which you may not have even considered. Also, I just had my shower and nobody bought anything off of it until about two days beforehand- but in the end I did end up getting a lot of the items I registered for. Most of all, like so many others have said, try to relax! I know with the hormones and clock counting down to baby's arrival everything can seem SO important but at the end of the day there is nothing you can do about what gifts people give you and all of those gifts are coming to you and baby with love.
@CrystalBolte to answer your question no you cannot convince people to buy off of your registry. The best you can do is include where you're registered on the invite. Since you're hosting your own shower it would be awful to send a FB message asking people to only buy off of your registry. Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine if you received such a message?! No matter how nicely it was worded I think you'd be like ummmmm okay why is she telling me what to buy her? That's why she sent the registry info. As far as you talking about people who were sexually assaulted and that's how their baby was conceived...did that happen to you??? Because if not then I have no clue why you would bring that up to a group of strangers when you don't know if that happened to one of them. You're playing with fire and if you're trying not to offend people this is not the way to do it.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
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@CrystalBolte I haven't read all the replies, but I don't some of them are as judgey and chastising as you are reading them. Getting gifts is always a good thing, whether you asked for it or not. Your concern about not getting gifts from your registry is valid, but I think what people are trying to say is there isn't a tactful way for you request people to only buy off your registry. Also, I know a lot of people wait til the last minute to buy gifts, so don't stress out too much. You may get more than you think by the March 19th shower. Plus, you can alway sell the items you don't like or need and no one will ever know. You'll still get a discount on items not purchases from your registry.
As far as you talking about people who were sexually assaulted and that's how their baby was conceived...did that happen to you??? Because if not then I have no clue why you would bring that up to a group of strangers when you don't know if that happened to one of them. You're playing with fire and if you're trying not to offend people this is not the way to do it.
FWIW someone else (a self-identified lurker) came on here and said essentially "You were the one who decided to have a baby, suck it up." So this poster was just pointing out how inappropriate *that* comment was (and I agree with her, though I think she could have made her point without referencing traumatic events).
My only point is that this didn't come out of nowhere.
As far as you talking about people who were sexually assaulted and that's how their baby was conceived...did that happen to you??? Because if not then I have no clue why you would bring that up to a group of strangers when you don't know if that happened to one of them. You're playing with fire and if you're trying not to offend people this is not the way to do it.
QBF all over the place!
though I think she could have made her point without referencing traumatic events)
As a survivor of sexual assault and a certified peer educator on sexual assault, I have to agree with @dshannah and @NB817 . No matter how attacked you feel by honesty, it is not wise or kind to use sexual assault as a way to guilt people into feeling bad for voicing opposing opinions and offering frank advice.
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
If I were going to post something alluding to my registry, it would be along the lines of: "several of my friends and family on here have asked me where we are registered at. Because mass FB messages are so confusing, I just thought I would put here that we are registered at store name and store name." If I were to do a fb message it would along those lines. It reinforces the fact that you have a registry (they still are not obligated to buy off of it though) and it is generic and looks as if you are answering a question that several people have asked you. Even if they didn't ask you no one else will know that.
Secondly, just b/c you don't see anything being bought from your registries does not mean that they aren't. For example, when we had our bridal shower, only one thing was marked on our registry as being bought. Turns out a lot of stuff had been purchased from them but no one took the time or knew how to mark it off. Could be that type of situation. OR maybe they see a brand/item on your registry that is sold somewhere else cheaper.
One last suggestion: Rather than making a Facebook post about the registry, you can add a note to the registry itself that makes clear how grateful you are that people are even visiting the registry to see what you think you will need for baby. I think if you're clear that you're just grateful they're considering giving you something, it comes off as less gift-grabby.
A while back I asked for some help with wording on this board, and based on many suggestions here's what DH and I came up with:
"Thank you so much for visiting our registry! We appreciate you visiting this site to see what we think we’ll need for Baby. We chose this secondhand-friendly registry because we would be more than happy to get whatever used or hand-me-down items you may no longer need. There are a few items for which we have brand/model preferences, and those can be found at our [xxx] registry (linked below), but for everything else, we defer to your judgment and good taste:)
We are hoping to continue adding to our family in the future, so gender-neutral items are especially welcome.
Thank you so much for helping us get ready to welcome Baby!"
@dshannah may I ask which registry you are signed up for? I'm only starting to consider even setting one up because people have been asking me. But I am like you, where I have preferences for a couple items and the rest I would be more than happy to get second hand. I didn't know a registry like that existed.
First off, I'm tired of being raked over the coals. I apologized. I get that it doesn't satisfy the tooth baring malice that the post inspired. But I've acknowledged that my post was not in the best of taste, and apologized.
Secondly, I have lost a baby previously. So the guilt trip thing about finding out something is wrong with my baby is really a douche move. Douche vs tackiness, ok cool, if that's how it's played here, then whatever.
Third, the whole implication that because I managed to make this baby, that it means I should suck it up... You're not aware of the circumstances surrounding the conception. I certainly would hope you wouldn't imply to a sexual assault survivor that because she made the baby and didn't have an abortion, that she should suck it up.
Fourth, the "be happy you get a shower, others don't get one" thing... The expectation from people around me was that I host my own shower. If you didn't get one because you chose not to host one, that's on you.
It was not my intention to offend people with my post. It wasn't my intention to stoke up people's resentments with my question. I asked a question and was promptly chastised and put down for it. I apologized. Mea culpa.
*TW- Sexual assault mentioned*
*lurker back in*
First, "tooth baring malice" is a bit dramatic. Raked over the coals, yes... But since you have acknowledged the post was in poor taste, to be expected.
Second, I am very sorry for your loss. I myself have lost four babies and have to agree that a healthy baby is by far more important than gifts. I am sure you'd agree too.
Third, I am a survivor of rape. Your usage of she rather than I indicates to me that this was thankfully not your circumstance. And obviously I would NEVER imply that a rape survivor should "suck it up," in the HIGHLY unlikely event that a rape victim would be having a party. If this was your circumstance, And I don't know your story, I am very sorry for what you went through. If this was not the circumstance in which your baby was conceived, bringing up the topic is extremely uncouth.
Fourth, many people will not host their own showers because they feel it is in poor taste to hold a gift-giving event for oneself. Finally, plenty of cultures don't do baby showers.
Slight detour on this thread, but speaking of awkward registry stuff: My husband's step mom asked him where we were registered. He told her BRU, and she got all annoyed that we hadn't registered at Target instead. She made a big deal out of it and told him we "needed" to register at Target (this is after our invites were already printed and being addressed). So my husband ended up making us take a trip to Target to register...just for her....and no one else even knows about it. Lol.
Anyway, I sort of get the whole "registry anxiety" thing. I've been watching them like a hawk in case anyone buys something from one, so I can remove it from the otherand avoid doubles. I also "added" a few things we already purchased or got as gifts pre-registry and marked them as "purchased" to try and prevent people from thinking we just forgot to register for it but SO need a pack and play or whatever...
Slight detour on this thread, but speaking of awkward registry stuff: My husband's step mom asked him where we were registered. He told her BRU, and she got all annoyed that we hadn't registered at Target instead. She made a big deal out of it and told him we "needed" to register at Target (this is after our invites were already printed and being addressed). So my husband ended up making us take a trip to Target to register...just for her....and no one else even knows about it. Lol.
Anyway, I sort of get the whole "registry anxiety" thing. I've been watching them like a hawk in case anyone buys something from one, so I can remove it from the otherand avoid doubles. I also "added" a few things we already purchased or got as gifts pre-registry and marked them as "purchased" to try and prevent people from thinking we just forgot to register for it but SO need a pack and play or whatever...
Maybe it's just me, but I don't get "registry anxiety". Like, why? You're getting gifts. People CARE to buy you gifts! Who cares if you get double! Who cares if it's not exactly what you wanted or fits your theme! Those items didn't cost you a dime! Being gracious will not cost you a dime!
They can be returned, sold, donated, given to a new excited mom-to-be etc. There are so many options you can do with unwanted items. There are so many other things to get anxiety about during third trimester (not that you can't get anxiety on more than one thing, but this is just trivial). Bless your heart if getting the wrong gift is an anxiety of yours. Just feel blessed that you have friends and family that give a damn about your baby and you.
This isn't meant to attack you, @Sharra13, but this thread really rubbed me the wrong way and others who understand this weird and trivial anxiety is beyond me.
Slight detour on this thread, but speaking of awkward registry stuff: My husband's step mom asked him where we were registered. He told her BRU, and she got all annoyed that we hadn't registered at Target instead. She made a big deal out of it and told him we "needed" to register at Target (this is after our invites were already printed and being addressed). So my husband ended up making us take a trip to Target to register...just for her....and no one else even knows about it. Lol.
Anyway, I sort of get the whole "registry anxiety" thing. I've been watching them like a hawk in case anyone buys something from one, so I can remove it from the otherand avoid doubles. I also "added" a few things we already purchased or got as gifts pre-registry and marked them as "purchased" to try and prevent people from thinking we just forgot to register for it but SO need a pack and play or whatever...
Maybe it's just me, but I don't get "registry anxiety". Like, why? You're getting gifts. People CARE to buy you gifts! Who cares if you get double! Who cares if it's not exactly what you wanted or fits your theme! Those items didn't cost you a dime! Being gracious will not cost you a dime!
They can be returned, sold, donated, given to a new excited mom-to-be etc. There are so many options you can do with unwanted items. There are so many other things to get anxiety about during third trimester (not that you can't get anxiety on more than one thing, but this is just trivial). Bless your heart if getting the wrong gift is an anxiety of yours. Just feel blessed that you have friends and family that give a damn about your baby and you.
This isn't meant to attack you, @Sharra13, but this thread really rubbed me the wrong way and others who understand this weird and trivial anxiety is beyond me.
"Baby registry anxiety," lol.
I don't get it, either. I think that is what prompted my initial reply to this thread. "Terrified" and "panicked"and "anxiety " are just not words I associate with registries and gifts. I would use those words in other situations better deserving of being terrified, panicked and anxiety-ridden. Like, I don't know, if I were to ever be in the hospital with my kid. Now that would be terrifying...
@vinerie amen. It was the "terrified" that really rubbed me the wrong way.
This is another classic Bump example of someone claiming they want opinions, but they really only want validation. Chances are OP's friends are thinking what we internet strangers have the stones to tell her. We tend to be blunt and not sugarcoat things.
Good luck, OP. I hope you can survive this terrifying experience!
We are team green and received a TON of blue clothes/blankets and a TON of pink clothes/blankets based on what people felt we will be having. I'm talking blue/pink stuff that so very obviously CANNOT go the other direction. I was stoked! I'm like heck yeah, man, as long as we eventually have one of the opposite sex of this one, we are set! If not then, well, I'll give the clothes/blankets that we don't use to a friend who's expecting that sex. No worries, it's free stuff and I'm still stoked every time I open the closet because these people love me and my baby enough to put so much thought and generosity into the gifts they gave us. No "registry anxiety" necessary, embrace those who are willing to come to celebrate you and your baby, any gifts you receive are purely added and very generous bonuses. My mom goes off registry for every gift she gives people because she wants the receiver to pick up her gift months down the road and remember her, can't really do that with a baby bath or a nose Frieda. Sometimes sentiment is much more important to people and much more fun, so they leave the not so fun stuff for you to buy since it's the baby that you created. I've bought all my own car seats, strollers, baby baths, nose suckers, cause it's MY baby. Remember this child will have birthdays every year and he or she will likely receive gifts for birthdays and Christmases that give you "anxiety" as well since it won't be what he or she NEEDS in your eyes, might as well use this shower as a starting point to get used to it. Best of luck to you!
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
Who was name calling? I see no name calling, here.
I seriously think the Internet has made people more bold than they would ever be in person regarding registries.
Imagine some one coming up to you, handing you a list of items and saying "Here is a list of what I need. When you come to my shower, bring only things from this list. If not, at least bring a gift receipt. If you don't, I will be terrified." That makes you seem like a crazy person.... Why is it ok on Facebook?
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
there are multiple "books"'on shower etiquette- Emily Post and Miss Manners is a great place to start. A quick Google search will tell you that demanding that attendees bring you specific gifts is in poor taste. A shower is a gift to the mom/dad to be. You also don't get to dictate who brings you what. A registry is a guide for the guests to have an understanding of what you need/like but it is NOT the be all to end all on what gifts they can purchase for you.
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
there are multiple "books"'on shower etiquette- Emily Post and Miss Manners is a great place to start. A quick Google search will tell you that demanding that attendees bring you specific gifts is in poor taste. A shower is a gift to the mom/dad to be. You also don't get to dictate who brings you what. A registry is a guide for the guests to have an understanding of what you need/like but it is NOT the be all to end all on what gifts they can purchase for you.
Who are these books written by? Because I'm thinking they're neither racially nor culturally diverse. I understand the point of a registry list...I'm not stupid. I was just trying to be a nice person and show some sympathy for the poor girl being absolutely demolished for being "different" and perhaps using the wrong words in her post which were getting misconstrued as to her actual feelings and intentions.
id also like to add, my family background is not white American, I'm from another country with another culture and my shower back home would've been completely different to what it is going to be here. So don't presume to speak about etiquette when it varies all over the world and place to place and family to family. There's no guidebook to raising children, only people's opinions. The same applies to those books
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
Who was name calling? I see no name calling, here.
I seriously think the Internet has made people more bold than they would ever be in person regarding registries.
Imagine some one coming up to you, handing you a list of items and saying "Here is a list of what I need. When you come to my shower, bring only things from this list. If not, at least bring a gift receipt. If you don't, I will be terrified." That makes you seem like a crazy person.... Why is it ok on Facebook?
Someone used the word douche = name calling. Also calling someone tacky = name calling.
When end you create q registry you are essentially handing someone a list and asking them to purchase from it. I wasn't debating whether saying something on Facebook was appropriate or not. In fact my comment came with stipulations that if she was to say something it needed to be said tactfully and even then it's not something I would do. It doesn't make her crazy. I think her using the word terrified was a poor choice and she clearly has acknowledged that it was the wrong word to use. She's obviously stressed, give the girl a break.
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
there are multiple "books"'on shower etiquette- Emily Post and Miss Manners is a great place to start. A quick Google search will tell you that demanding that attendees bring you specific gifts is in poor taste. A shower is a gift to the mom/dad to be. You also don't get to dictate who brings you what. A registry is a guide for the guests to have an understanding of what you need/like but it is NOT the be all to end all on what gifts they can purchase for you.
Who are these books written by? Because I'm thinking they're neither racially nor culturally diverse. I understand the point of a registry list...I'm not stupid. I was just trying to be a nice person and show some sympathy for the poor girl being absolutely demolished for being "different" and perhaps using the wrong words in her post which were getting misconstrued as to her actual feelings and intentions.
id also like to add, my family background is not white American, I'm from another country with another culture and my shower back home would've been completely different to what it is going to be here. So don't presume to speak about etiquette when it varies all over the world and place to place and family to family. There's no guidebook to raising children, only people's opinions. The same applies to those books
Wow holy defensive batman. No one called you stupid or presumed to know your culture. Not sure how you are comparing child raising to shower gifts, but it's cool. I would also argue there are books about child raising. Not everyone's "opinions" on how to raise a child are up to snuff. Would you argue that if someone beat their kids and said it was their "opinion" that its a good way to raise their kids is valid? But you know what they say about "opinions"....
@yogahh this is getting ridiculous. I was just tying to defend the original poster with something nice and now I'm being attacked. I wont be responding to further posts on this thread because it's gotten mean and way out of hand.
Who was name calling? I see no name calling, here.
I seriously think the Internet has made people more bold than they would ever be in person regarding registries.
Imagine some one coming up to you, handing you a list of items and saying "Here is a list of what I need. When you come to my shower, bring only things from this list. If not, at least bring a gift receipt. If you don't, I will be terrified." That makes you seem like a crazy person.... Why is it ok on Facebook?
Someone used the word douche = name calling. Also calling someone tacky = name calling.
When end you create q registry you are essentially handing someone a list and asking them to purchase from it. I wasn't debating whether saying something on Facebook was appropriate or not. In fact my comment came with stipulations that if she was to say something it needed to be said tactfully and even then it's not something I would do. It doesn't make her crazy. I think her using the word terrified was a poor choice and she clearly has acknowledged that it was the wrong word to use. She's obviously stressed, give the girl a break.
Umm it was OP who brought "douche" into this thread. Tacky is just referencing how an action could (and would likely) be perceived, not name calling. Just like you perceived and labeled much of this thread as rude.
I googled Nose Frida and the thought of that has me terrified if I am honest... (in my defence I did not know this existed until just now lol)
Everyone I know that uses the nose Frieda loves it! There are removable filters to make sure you're safe. They're supposed to be much cleaner than the standard bulb sucker. Give it a whirl
I googled Nose Frida and the thought of that has me terrified if I am honest... (in my defence I did not know this existed until just now lol)
Everyone I know that uses the nose Frieda loves it! There are removable filters to make sure you're safe. They're supposed to be much cleaner than the standard bulb sucker. Give it a whirl
It was just shocking to see what it was!! I don't know if that gets used here - but I guess I will have to check it out in stores. I mean, the concept makes sense... But the idea is hard to swallow (excuse the pun)
Who was name calling? I see no name calling, here.
I seriously think the Internet has made people more bold than they would ever be in person regarding registries.
Imagine some one coming up to you, handing you a list of items and saying "Here is a list of what I need. When you come to my shower, bring only things from this list. If not, at least bring a gift receipt. If you don't, I will be terrified." That makes you seem like a crazy person.... Why is it ok on Facebook?
Someone used the word douche = name calling. Also calling someone tacky = name calling.
When end you create q registry you are essentially handing someone a list and asking them to purchase from it. I wasn't debating whether saying something on Facebook was appropriate or not. In fact my comment came with stipulations that if she was to say something it needed to be said tactfully and even then it's not something I would do. It doesn't make her crazy. I think her using the word terrified was a poor choice and she clearly has acknowledged that it was the wrong word to use. She's obviously stressed, give the girl a break.
Umm it was OP who brought "douche" into this thread. Tacky is just referencing how an action could (and would likely) be perceived, not name calling. Just like you perceived and labeled much of this thread as rude.
I googled Nose Frida and the thought of that has me terrified if I am honest... (in my defence I did not know this existed until just now lol)
Everyone I know that uses the nose Frieda loves it! There are removable filters to make sure you're safe. They're supposed to be much cleaner than the standard bulb sucker. Give it a whirl
It was just shocking to see what it was!! I don't know if that gets used here - but I guess I will have to check it out in stores. I mean, the concept makes sense... But the idea is hard to swallow (excuse the pun)
The NoseFrida is AMAZING!!!! I thought it was gross at first too, but seriously, it is the BEST!
Lol, third tri hormones much? Some of you guys really are jumpy in this particular post! Not sure why you are letting one or two choice words "rub you the wrong way" to the point of totally bashing the OP. (Granted, I will agree that she was also a little oversensitive to the first few comments).
I tried to add a little humor in with a story and say I sort of get a small part of her feelings...not acceptable, I guess. Sheesh!
Anyway, etiquette aside, we ALL know what a shower is for, and we ALL know what a registry is for. Why even have one if you are just happy to take "whatever"?? Personally, I fully expect to get things I didn't register for (which is why I have really held off on buying any cute clothes, blankets, etc this whole pregnancy), and I'm going to be very grateful for it all. We even got a pack-n-play and high chair at Christmas already---totally not the type or style I would choose, but we were so thankful and are keeping them anyway. But even with all that said, I still don't WANT to get doubles of things and have to deal with the hassle of going all over town later for returns/exchanges/donations.
So, yeah, I think about it a lot and have been keeping up with registry updates like crazy. Do I worry about other, more important things? Sure. But this is something I can actually focus on and actually feel like I can semi control without going crazy. Unlike the "more important things" that I can't control right now, like if she comes early and I miss my biggest client's wedding. Or how finances really suck right now due to me having to take leave during busy season and the bills are really piling up. Or labor and delivery, unexpected health issues....the list goes on and on.
@CrystalBolte holy crap do I feel bad for you...you're getting royally burned. I'm not going to comment on the original post per se, only to say that my understanding was that this is supposed to be a place we can openly ask questions. We're not here to judge people and I think some of the things people have said are down right rude and nasty and could have been worded with far more taste.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
Who was name calling? I see no name calling, here.
I seriously think the Internet has made people more bold than they would ever be in person regarding registries.
Someone used the word douche = name calling. Also calling someone tacky = name calling.
When end you create q registry you are essentially handing someone a list and asking them to purchase from it. I wasn't debating whether saying something on Facebook was appropriate or not. In fact my comment came with stipulations that if she was to say something it needed to be said tactfully and even then it's not something I would do. It doesn't make her crazy. I think her using the word terrified was a poor choice and she clearly has acknowledged that it was the wrong word to use. She's obviously stressed, give the girl a break.
Just so you're clear..douche and tacky were both used by OP.
Been married since 2009. Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter) Several MCs DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
Dont get me wrong: I will be grateful for whatever we get at the shower and if no one gets us anything, I will still be overjoyed that our family and friends wanted to celebrate our life event with us.
But I do understand the "registry anxiety." 9 months is a long time and a lot can happen to make circumstances unstable, as PP have noted. Even the best-prepared parents and the most longed-for babies can find themselves adrift, and as you all know not every baby on this board was expected or planned!
I'm not going to go into my personal finances and work circumstances here, but the long and short of it is that whatever people do not give us or loan us, baby just won't have. We are extremely lucky, though, in having friends who have offered to loan us a car seat to take baby home from the hospital with and a bassinet he can sleep in until we make our big cross-country move. We've even got a friend who will let us use her daughter's old cloth diapers until we leave town.
But we are so so so lucky to have such good, caring, and thoughtful (and well-prepared!) friends and family in the town we currently live in: not everyone on this board has that!
So I can easily see registry concerns keeping someone up at night and causing panic attacks, as all money-related woes do, and I would not hesitate to call that feeling "being terrified"!
@yogahh this is getting ridiculous. I was just tying to defend the original poster with something nice and now I'm being attacked. I wont be responding to further posts on this thread because it's gotten mean and way out of hand.
Have you lurked around here? She's not attacking you or being mean or out of hand. I think you may be getting mad bc she is validating her point that you are so relentlessly trying to discredit.
Been married since 2009. Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter) Several MCs DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
@yogahh this is getting ridiculous. I was just tying to defend the original poster with something nice and now I'm being attacked. I wont be responding to further posts on this thread because it's gotten mean and way out of hand.
Have you lurked around here? She's not attacking you or being mean or out of hand. I think you may be getting mad bc she is validating her point that you are so relentlessly trying to discredit.
Been married since 2009. Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter) Several MCs DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
Lol, third tri hormones much? Some of you guys really are jumpy in this particular post!
Whenever I read something about 'hormones,' I don't bother with the rest of the post. What on earth does disagreeing with a post, or promoting good etiquette, have to do with hormones? Sorry, but most pregnant women are completely in control of their emotions and can (and do) act logically. To suggest otherwise is frankly insulting to women.
And on a related note, why should I be expected to agree with and 'support' a woman just because she's knocked up? That is just silly. If someone asks a question, they should expect to get an honest response. Isn't that how the world works? If I propose to do something in poor taste, I would hope that the posters here would be honest with me instead of just saying "you go gurl!!!1"
Lol, third tri hormones much? Some of you guys really are jumpy in this particular post! Not sure why you are letting one or two choice words "rub you the wrong way" to the point of totally bashing the OP. (Granted, I will agree that she was also a little oversensitive to the first few comments).
Yikes... Pretty bold to play the hormone card on here. Good luck with that.
Been married since 2009. Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter) Several MCs DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
For those of you feeling anxious about what you may or may not get from your registry, let's make this simple: don't count on anything. You will be responsible for providing for your baby and some people may help or pleasantly surprise you. As other threads have suggested, babies actually need very few things; the rest is cuteness and convenience. Go ahead and make a registry, but think of it like a wish list, not a list of demands-- and take advantage of the completion discount if there are true necessities that you do not receive as gifts. Please, just be grateful for any help you get from friends and family.
Re: Convincing People To Stick To The Registry
As far as you talking about people who were sexually assaulted and that's how their baby was conceived...did that happen to you???
Because if not then I have no clue why you would bring that up to a group of strangers when you don't know if that happened to one of them. You're playing with fire and if you're trying not to offend people this is not the way to do it.
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
My only point is that this didn't come out of nowhere.
Im not sure why everything thinks there is apparently a rule book about showers. There isn't. Do it however you want!! Different cultures and different countries do things differently. Who cares. Crystal if you want to send a Facebook message...do it but do it respectfully. You already know you're getting gifts...we don't need to play coy about that issue. would I personally do it, probably not but I am not you. I'm relying on my shower for a lot of my baby stuff too...can I afford it otherwise, sure I can but I'd still appreciate if people got me stuff we actually NEED too!
I think we can express our opinions nicely...name calling totally not necessary. We're grown women here. Let's be supportive and try and understand each other instead of bringing each other down!! We're all having babies under different circumstances and that's stressful enough!
Secondly, just b/c you don't see anything being bought from your registries does not mean that they aren't. For example, when we had our bridal shower, only one thing was marked on our registry as being bought. Turns out a lot of stuff had been purchased from them but no one took the time or knew how to mark it off. Could be that type of situation. OR maybe they see a brand/item on your registry that is sold somewhere else cheaper.
First Pregnancy
Second Pregnancy
- BFP: 09/11/2015
- EDD: 05/25/2016
Baby Born04/15/2016
PGAL
One last suggestion: Rather than making a Facebook post about the registry, you can add a note to the registry itself that makes clear how grateful you are that people are even visiting the registry to see what you think you will need for baby. I think if you're clear that you're just grateful they're considering giving you something, it comes off as less gift-grabby.
A while back I asked for some help with wording on this board, and based on many suggestions here's what DH and I came up with:
"Thank you so much for visiting our registry! We appreciate you visiting this site to see what we think we’ll need for Baby. We chose this secondhand-friendly registry because we would be more than happy to get whatever used or hand-me-down items you may no longer need. There are a few items for which we have brand/model preferences, and those can be found at our [xxx] registry (linked below), but for everything else, we defer to your judgment and good taste:)
We are hoping to continue adding to our family in the future, so gender-neutral items are especially welcome.
Thank you so much for helping us get ready to welcome Baby!"
*lurker back in*
First, "tooth baring malice" is a bit dramatic. Raked over the coals, yes... But since you have acknowledged the post was in poor taste, to be expected.
Second, I am very sorry for your loss. I myself have lost four babies and have to agree that a healthy baby is by far more important than gifts. I am sure you'd agree too.
Third, I am a survivor of rape. Your usage of she rather than I indicates to
me that this was thankfully not your circumstance. And obviously I would NEVER imply that a rape survivor should "suck it up,"
in the HIGHLY unlikely event that a rape victim would be having a party. If this was your circumstance, And I don't know your story, I am very sorry for what you went through. If this was not the circumstance in which your baby was conceived, bringing up the topic is extremely uncouth.
Fourth, many people will not host their own showers because they feel it is in poor taste to hold a gift-giving event for oneself. Finally, plenty of cultures don't do baby showers.
*lurker out*
Anyway, I sort of get the whole "registry anxiety" thing. I've been watching them like a hawk in case anyone buys something from one, so I can remove it from the otherand avoid doubles. I also "added" a few things we already purchased or got as gifts pre-registry and marked them as "purchased" to try and prevent people from thinking we just forgot to register for it but SO need a pack and play or whatever...
They can be returned, sold, donated, given to a new excited mom-to-be etc. There are so many options you can do with unwanted items. There are so many other things to get anxiety about during third trimester (not that you can't get anxiety on more than one thing, but this is just trivial). Bless your heart if getting the wrong gift is an anxiety of yours. Just feel blessed that you have friends and family that give a damn about your baby and you.
This isn't meant to attack you, @Sharra13, but this thread really rubbed me the wrong way and others who understand this weird and trivial anxiety is beyond me.
I don't get it, either. I think that is what prompted my initial reply to this thread. "Terrified" and "panicked"and "anxiety " are just not words I associate with registries and gifts. I would use those words in other situations better deserving of being terrified, panicked and anxiety-ridden. Like, I don't know, if I were to ever be in the hospital with my kid. Now that would be terrifying...
DS: Born 5-17-16
This is another classic Bump example of someone claiming they want opinions, but they really only want validation. Chances are OP's friends are thinking what we internet strangers have the stones to tell her. We tend to be blunt and not sugarcoat things.
Good luck, OP. I hope you can survive this terrifying experience!
ME: 35 DH: 39
Married July 2011
DD Born 8/12
TTC #2 since 11/13
ME: Submucosal Fibroid Surgery Date APRIL 14th 2015 -Left Tube is blocked by Fibroid~Surgeon removed 26 Fibroids from my Ute and Unblocked my Tube
DH:Azoospermia...Thank God we have 12 vials of frozen swimmers
July 15-Check to see if Ute is all healed
IUI #1 8/3/15...BFN
IUI #2 9/5/15...BFP on 9/17/15
Beta #1-344
Beta #2-809
Beta #3 8,390
1st u/s 8/8/15 1 bean HB 135 @ 6w5d
I seriously think the Internet has made people more bold than they would ever be in person regarding registries.
Imagine some one coming up to you, handing you a list of items and saying "Here is a list of what I need. When you come to my shower, bring only things from this list. If not, at least bring a gift receipt. If you don't, I will be terrified." That makes you seem like a crazy person.... Why is it ok on Facebook?
A quick Google search will tell you that demanding that attendees bring you specific gifts is in poor taste. A shower is a gift to the mom/dad to be. You also don't get to dictate who brings you what. A registry is a guide for the guests to have an understanding of what you need/like but it is NOT the be all to end all on what gifts they can purchase for you.
id also like to add, my family background is not white American, I'm from another country with another culture and my shower back home would've been completely different to what it is going to be here. So don't presume to speak about etiquette when it varies all over the world and place to place and family to family. There's no guidebook to raising children, only people's opinions. The same applies to those books
When end you create q registry you are essentially handing someone a list and asking them to purchase from it. I wasn't debating whether saying something on Facebook was appropriate or not. In fact my comment came with stipulations that if she was to say something it needed to be said tactfully and even then it's not something I would do. It doesn't make her crazy. I think her using the word terrified was a poor choice and she clearly has acknowledged that it was the wrong word to use. She's obviously stressed, give the girl a break.
I tried to add a little humor in with a story and say I sort of get a small part of her feelings...not acceptable, I guess. Sheesh!
Anyway, etiquette aside, we ALL know what a shower is for, and we ALL know what a registry is for. Why even have one if you are just happy to take "whatever"?? Personally, I fully expect to get things I didn't register for (which is why I have really held off on buying any cute clothes, blankets, etc this whole pregnancy), and I'm going to be very grateful for it all. We even got a pack-n-play and high chair at Christmas already---totally not the type or style I would choose, but we were so thankful and are keeping them anyway. But even with all that said, I still don't WANT to get doubles of things and have to deal with the hassle of going all over town later for returns/exchanges/donations.
So, yeah, I think about it a lot and have been keeping up with registry updates like crazy. Do I worry about other, more important things? Sure. But this is something I can actually focus on and actually feel like I can semi control without going crazy. Unlike the "more important things" that I can't control right now, like if she comes early and I miss my biggest client's wedding. Or how finances really suck right now due to me having to take leave during busy season and the bills are really piling up. Or labor and delivery, unexpected health issues....the list goes on and on.
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
Dont get me wrong: I will be grateful for whatever we get at the shower and if no one gets us anything, I will still be overjoyed that our family and friends wanted to celebrate our life event with us.
But I do understand the "registry anxiety." 9 months is a long time and a lot can happen to make circumstances unstable, as PP have noted. Even the best-prepared parents and the most longed-for babies can find themselves adrift, and as you all know not every baby on this board was expected or planned!
I'm not going to go into my personal finances and work circumstances here, but the long and short of it is that whatever people do not give us or loan us, baby just won't have. We are extremely lucky, though, in having friends who have offered to loan us a car seat to take baby home from the hospital with and a bassinet he can sleep in until we make our big cross-country move. We've even got a friend who will let us use her daughter's old cloth diapers until we leave town.
But we are so so so lucky to have such good, caring, and thoughtful (and well-prepared!) friends and family in the town we currently live in: not everyone on this board has that!
So I can easily see registry concerns keeping someone up at night and causing panic attacks, as all money-related woes do, and I would not hesitate to call that feeling "being terrified"!
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
And on a related note, why should I be expected to agree with and 'support' a woman just because she's knocked up? That is just silly. If someone asks a question, they should expect to get an honest response. Isn't that how the world works? If I propose to do something in poor taste, I would hope that the posters here would be honest with me instead of just saying "you go gurl!!!1"
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)