Convincing People To Stick To The Registry

CrystalBolte · March 2016

I'll be honest, I'm in a bit of a state of panic. My shower is March 19, and I have my RSVPs in and all that jazz. I have a lot of people from overseas who were invited to my shower, and honestly, I am terrified they won't use the shower registry or include gift receipts, and will buy just whatever. I tried to make it a huge emphasis on using the registry and including gift receipts. No one has purchased anything yet.

Any advice on how to convince people to stick to the registry? I'm even planning on posting the request on FB in the common other language to make sure everyone understands what I am asking.

vinerie · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

I'll be honest, I'm in a bit of a state of panic. My shower is March 19, and I have my RSVPs in and all that jazz. I have a lot of people from overseas who were invited to my shower, and honestly, I am terrified they won't use the shower registry or include gift receipts, and will buy just whatever. I tried to make it a huge emphasis on using the registry and including gift receipts. No one has purchased anything yet.

Any advice on how to convince people to stick to the registry? I'm even planning on posting the request on FB in the common other language to make sure everyone understands what I am asking.

Image: https://media.giphy.com/media/tLql6mMHC6wvK/giphy.gif

Girl, you have more important things to be "terrified" about than where people are buying your gifts from. My advice: be happy you have friends and family who want to shower you with gifts and leave it at that.

CrystalBolte · March 2016

Wow. What a judgmental post. Thanks for that.

laurenmdrn16 · March 2016

I have to agree with @vinerie. There is no tactful way to tell people what to buy for you. Be grateful and gracious and if something is totally not your style, just grin and bear it. As commonplace as they are, showers and gifts are not mandatory and telling someone what to buy for you makes it seem very gift-grabby.

CrystalBolte · March 2016

Could someone direct me as to how to delete my post, please? I didn't realize I was going to be judged for hoping people will, if they actually are coming to the shower we are hosting, purchase items we actually need.

laurenmdrn16 · March 2016

PS- do NOT post anything on FB about your gift requirements. Whoever is hosting the shower (not you) should be handling communication with guests and questions or clarifications about gifts.

Par13 · March 2016

You can't really dictate what people buy you as gifts. None of my shower guests were from overseas, but many people still didn't buy off the registry. Some people bought things that were really useful to them when they had a baby or just bought clothes they thought were cute.

Even if it wasn't what I had registered for, I was still grateful to receive gifts from people. I'd never think to try and strong arm people into buying exactly what I tell them. That would take some enjoyment out of it for them shopping for your new LO.

Also, you need to check your attitude. This is a public forum and you can't dictate what responses you receive (much like your registry situation

).

edit: added words

CrystalBolte · March 2016

Good heavens, wow. I asked how to delete the thread. Please stop jumping down my throat.

Par13 · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

Could someone direct me as to how to delete my post, please? I didn't realize I was going to be judged for hoping people will, if they actually are coming to the shower we are hosting, purchase items we actually need.

You can't delete a post

Bltbear82 · March 2016

@vinerie and @laurenmdrn16 summed it up and aren't being judgemental, but instead being honest and trying to provide some perspective. I know it's not what you hoped to hear, but it's the truth. Also, your shower is two weeks away. Yes, it's super important to you but for everyone else it's another event and they'll most likely shop closer to the date. Don't sweat the small stuff.

and_peggy · March 2016

Yeah, I wouldn't stress about it. I'm sure that there are essentials and necessities on your registry, but don't send yourself into a state of panic about it. In the grand scheme of things, babies need a place to sleep (which doesn't have to be a crib), a carseat, nutrition (whether you breastfeed or formula feed), diapers of some sort, some clothes, and love. All the other things are really just extras, in my opinion. But I understand there may be additional things each person considers needs.

While I hope to get things from my registry, I also really hope that I'll get things that aren't on the registry. As a first time mom, I have no clue what I'm doing. I have a lot of friends who have small children or grown children, who have been there before and will think about things I never even had a clue about. Think of it as a blessing to have people who think outside the registry for items you may never have thought you needed.

Having a previous miscarriage, my perspective changed on a lot of things. I realized that I didn't need to worry about things that weren't that big of a deal, in the long run. It's not really about the presents (again, just my opinion). Really, it's celebrating this life that you created, and the huge milestone and transition that motherhood is. So just enjoy the celebration of your precious baby!

laurenmdrn16 · March 2016

It is not meant to be judgy. Showers are not meant for other people to buy you "essentials". A baby shower is a celebration of your entrance into motherhood and welcoming the new baby. Some of the best gifts I was blessed to recieve were handmade and heartfelt tokens of love and family heirlooms (like my son's baptism outfit). I am the mother and I planned to have a child so I budgeted to purchase the essentials as I believe that was my responsibility. My close family offered to buy some big items like the crib and other furniture, but otherwise my registry was more a guideline and for the completion discount.

vinerie · March 2016

^^^ this. Also, I think it's awesome that people are coming from overseas. You know what would also be really awesome? Unique gifts from where they live overseas.

avidkeo · March 2016

You have people travelling from overseas to come to your shower and you are concerned about what gift they will bring?? Be grateful they are coming and for what ever THEY decided to get your baby.

CrystalBolte · March 2016

No, they aren't traveling from overseas, they are originally from other countries, like the Middle East. Were I to get unique and homemade items, I'd be beyond thrilled because those are things I treasure more than I can say. I've had a few people say they're bringing homemade items, and these are the things I'll hold on to for the rest of my baby's life.

When I say I am terrified people won't shop from the registry, I'm afraid I'll end up with a billion clothes, which I already have thanks to a massive donation I received, and half of which I've re-donated to other families who may be in need. I've seen how much waste there is when people buy all these clothes for a baby and the tags never come off because the baby grows out of it before anyone can blink. It's a waste of the giver's money. My baby niece ended up with a closet full of expensive clothing she never, ever wore, toys she never, ever used, and things that were relegated to the "other" pile... Which usually ended up never, ever being taken out of a box. I'd rather someone not buy a gift if it was going to be something that would end up wasted. They probably have better things to allocate their money to.

I'm not requiring a gift for entry or anything, for goodness' sake. I would simply prefer that, if people want to give a gift and help, have it actually HELP and not be wasted. That's all.

dsmith211 · March 2016

Basically what everyone else said. Be thankful you get anything at all. Sure it would be nice for everyone to stick to your registry, but even if they don't these people are taking time out of their busy lives to celebrate you becoming a mother and giving you gifts. Some people get nothing at all.

Also, no one here is being judgmental. They're speaking the truth. Just bc its not what you wanted to hear doesn't mean people are being rude. And trust me... Don't go on Facebook and dictate what people should buy for you. People won't come right out and say it, but I'm sure they'll be thinking along the same lines as everyone here when they see your post.

lalala2004 · March 2016

laurenmdrn16 said:

It is not meant to be judgy.

I'm judging.

If people aren't asking, telling them to buy off your registry is....

That's my judgement of the situation.

lalala2004 · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

Wow. What a judgmental post. Thanks for that.

QFP

lalala2004 · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

No, they aren't traveling from overseas, they are originally from other countries, like the Middle East. Were I to get unique and homemade items, I'd be beyond thrilled because those are things I treasure more than I can say. I've had a few people say they're bringing homemade items, and these are the things I'll hold on to for the rest of my baby's life.

When I say I am terrified people won't shop from the registry, I'm afraid I'll end up with a billion clothes, which I already have thanks to a massive donation I received, and half of which I've re-donated to other families who may be in need. I've seen how much waste there is when people buy all these clothes for a baby and the tags never come off because the baby grows out of it before anyone can blink. It's a waste of the giver's money. My baby niece ended up with a closet full of expensive clothing she never, ever wore, toys she never, ever used, and things that were relegated to the "other" pile... Which usually ended up never, ever being taken out of a box. I'd rather someone not buy a gift if it was going to be something that would end up wasted. They probably have better things to allocate their money to.

I'm not requiring a gift for entry or anything, for goodness' sake. I would simply prefer that, if people want to give a gift and help, have it actually HELP and not be wasted. That's all.

QFP

tripledaggerWed95976 · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

No, they aren't traveling from overseas, they are originally from other countries, like the Middle East. Were I to get unique and homemade items, I'd be beyond thrilled because those are things I treasure more than I can say. I've had a few people say they're bringing homemade items, and these are the things I'll hold on to for the rest of my baby's life.

When I say I am terrified people won't shop from the registry, I'm afraid I'll end up with a billion clothes, which I already have thanks to a massive donation I received, and half of which I've re-donated to other families who may be in need. I've seen how much waste there is when people buy all these clothes for a baby and the tags never come off because the baby grows out of it before anyone can blink. It's a waste of the giver's money. My baby niece ended up with a closet full of expensive clothing she never, ever wore, toys she never, ever used, and things that were relegated to the "other" pile... Which usually ended up never, ever being taken out of a box. I'd rather someone not buy a gift if it was going to be something that would end up wasted. They probably have better things to allocate their money to.

I'm not requiring a gift for entry or anything, for goodness' sake. I would simply prefer that, if people want to give a gift and help, have it actually HELP and not be wasted. That's all.

I really think you're not giving enough credit to your guests... Yes, a few people will inevitably buy you clothes or other non-necessities that are not on your registry.. But most guests, (especially those with children), know to purchase necessities or to purchase off of your registry. I would suggest giving people the opportunity to buy you what you want before just assuming the worst case scenario. ETA- Whatever you chose to do, please do not go on Facebook and tell people what to get you. It's really not a good way to go about it and I really feel you would end up regretting it

dsmith211 · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

No, they aren't traveling from overseas, they are originally from other countries, like the Middle East. Were I to get unique and homemade items, I'd be beyond thrilled because those are things I treasure more than I can say. I've had a few people say they're bringing homemade items, and these are the things I'll hold on to for the rest of my baby's life.

When I say I am terrified people won't shop from the registry, I'm afraid I'll end up with a billion clothes, which I already have thanks to a massive donation I received, and half of which I've re-donated to other families who may be in need. I've seen how much waste there is when people buy all these clothes for a baby and the tags never come off because the baby grows out of it before anyone can blink. It's a waste of the giver's money. My baby niece ended up with a closet full of expensive clothing she never, ever wore, toys she never, ever used, and things that were relegated to the "other" pile... Which usually ended up never, ever being taken out of a box. I'd rather someone not buy a gift if it was going to be something that would end up wasted. They probably have better things to allocate their money to.

I'm not requiring a gift for entry or anything, for goodness' sake. I would simply prefer that, if people want to give a gift and help, have it actually HELP and not be wasted. That's all.

And just an FYI even without gift receipts places will often take things back in lieu of store credit. Then you can get things you would like instead of what you received. Things don't have to just sit around and go wasted. You can also try selling to consignment. You probably wouldn't get as much as the item is worth, but it would be better than nothing. It will take some time on your part but not the end of the world.

CrystalBolte · March 2016

I'm sorry I asked and wasted your time. I'm suitably chastised. Enjoy your days.

yogahh · March 2016

Is it wrong that I hope people with this attitude on gifts end up with 53 nosefridas, on the registry or not. And nothing else.

laurenmdrn16 · March 2016

I was going to tag you @yogahh because I know what a sh*t show you have been dealing with with your (lack of) a shower. It is unfair that you are not even getting a shower. At least with my son there was a shower (even if I couldn't go!)

anng23 · March 2016

If someone posted on Facebook to be sure to buy things off the registry, I would either purposely buy them something off the registry or be really tempted to not get them anything at all. This is about the tackiest thing I've ever heard and, yes, people will judge you for saying it. That's the thing about posting in a public forum- people may judge you if you what you post is tacky.

TXmamatobe · March 2016

This post CANNOT be real life.

laurenmdrn16 · March 2016

Not to beat a dead horse, but I just think of my grandmother. She got my son these ridiculous camo overalls and a weird moose sweatshirt that she brought to the hospital after my son was born. I smiled and thanked her and sent a thank you note with a picture of my son in the outfit (so NMS). Then, I stashed it and ended up donating it. Well when we all went to visit her in Maine that summer, that picture of my son was framed, front and center on the mantel. It meant so much to her. Would I have rather gotten something we actually needed? Sure, but the gift was not wasted because it made my grandmother feel connected to her great-grandson and it was passed on to a family in need.

yogahh · March 2016

laurenmdrn16 said:

I was going to tag you @yogahh because I know what a sh*t show you have been dealing with with your (lack of) a shower. It is unfair that you are not even getting a shower. At least with my son there was a shower (even if I couldn't go!)

Yeah it sucks. I am glad you decided to have another one for Luna though!! You deserve to enjoy it... hoping YOU only get 10 nosefredas

BostonBaby1 · March 2016

*lurking*

You made a baby. You can buy the essentials yourself.

mrstmoose · March 2016

You know what's worse than not getting things off your registry? Finding out that something is wrong with your child. So be thankful that this is your biggest "worry" and realize that you can take things back. Receipts or not.

CrystalBolte · March 2016

First off, I'm tired of being raked over the coals. I apologized. I get that it doesn't satisfy the tooth baring malice that the post inspired. But I've acknowledged that my post was not in the best of taste, and apologized.

Secondly, I have lost a baby previously. So the guilt trip thing about finding out something is wrong with my baby is really a douche move. Douche vs tackiness, ok cool, if that's how it's played here, then whatever.

Third, the whole implication that because I managed to make this baby, that it means I should suck it up... You're not aware of the circumstances surrounding the conception. I certainly would hope you wouldn't imply to a sexual assault survivor that because she made the baby and didn't have an abortion, that she should suck it up.

Fourth, the "be happy you get a shower, others don't get one" thing... The expectation from people around me was that I host my own shower. If you didn't get one because you chose not to host one, that's on you.

It was not my intention to offend people with my post. It wasn't my intention to stoke up people's resentments with my question. I asked a question and was promptly chastised and put down for it. I apologized. Mea culpa.

yogahh · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

First off, I'm tired of being raked over the coals. I apologized. I get that it doesn't satisfy the tooth baring malice that the post inspired. But I've acknowledged that my post was not in the best of taste, and apologized.

Secondly, I have lost a baby previously. So the guilt trip thing about finding out something is wrong with my baby is really a douche move. Douche vs tackiness, ok cool, if that's how it's played here, then whatever.

Third, the whole implication that because I managed to make this baby, that it means I should suck it up... You're not aware of the circumstances surrounding the conception. I certainly would hope you wouldn't imply to a sexual assault survivor that because she made the baby and didn't have an abortion, that she should suck it up.

Fourth, the "be happy you get a shower, others don't get one" thing... The expectation from people around me was that I host my own shower. If you didn't get one because you chose not to host one, that's on you.

It was not my intention to offend people with my post. It wasn't my intention to stoke up people's resentments with my question. I asked a question and was promptly chastised and put down for it. I apologized. Mea culpa.

I am sorry you had a loss in the past. But that doesn't give you the right call basically call someone a douche. Especially someone that is going through something with her own child now and is just trying to tell you realize that the health of your child means more than anything and to appreciate what you have.

tripledaggerWed95976 · March 2016

CrystalBolte said:

First off, I'm tired of being raked over the coals. I apologized. I get that it doesn't satisfy the tooth baring malice that the post inspired. But I've acknowledged that my post was not in the best of taste, and apologized.

Secondly, I have lost a baby previously. So the guilt trip thing about finding out something is wrong with my baby is really a douche move. Douche vs tackiness, ok cool, if that's how it's played here, then whatever.

Third, the whole implication that because I managed to make this baby, that it means I should suck it up... You're not aware of the circumstances surrounding the conception. I certainly would hope you wouldn't imply to a sexual assault survivor that because she made the baby and didn't have an abortion, that she should suck it up.

Fourth, the "be happy you get a shower, others don't get one" thing... The expectation from people around me was that I host my own shower. If you didn't get one because you chose not to host one, that's on you.

It was not my intention to offend people with my post. It wasn't my intention to stoke up people's resentments with my question. I asked a question and was promptly chastised and put down for it. I apologized. Mea culpa

-----------------------------------------
QFP
(edited from my original response because I have two warnings and don't want to get banned)

TXmamatobe · March 2016

We should really all stop playing into this crappy ass post. I'm not even convinced that this wasn't done on purpose to rile everyone up.

anng23 · March 2016

...for the record, hosting your own shower is also typically considered tacky.

hellogoodbye2 · March 2016

So so tacky

CrystalBolte · March 2016

@TXmamatobe No, it wasn't done to rile people up. It was an honest post, and an honest mistake. Had I known it was such a touchy subject, I would never have broached it. I'm also not a fan of being flayed for an honest question (albeit one that ticked a lot of people off... Which wasn't my intention).

@yogahh And yet it's ok for people to sit here and shred my character?

Its ok. I didn't realize there were unspoken and unwritten rules about what applies to whom. May you all have easy and blessed deliveries, and your children be safe and healthy. Peace out.

tgortney · March 2016

So, let me get this straight, you're hosting your own shower and are terrified that people won't buy off your registry. Therefore, you feel you need to make a Facebook PSA telling them how they should gift you?!

Geez.

One of my guests told me she was getting a personalized gift for my son and I was absolutely grateful. Is it off my registry? No. But the sentiment is wonderful and I'm so happy people care enough about my family to even come and celebrate this new chapter in my life.

You're not entitled to anything from anyone, get over yourself lady.

dshannah · March 2016

With all the additional context (avoiding waste rather than evincing greed, throwing her own shower because that's what's expected) a lot of the OP's original message doesn't seem so bad.

So--to @Crystalbolte's question: You can't. You can indicate what you think you need via a registry (and I highly recommend the Encore Baby registry so that you can sign up for categories of things and let the buyers choose what they want to get you or gift you--even secondhand!). If there are no clothes on the registry, people will likely assume you've got everything you need on that front, but that won't stop them from giving you something they find charming or meaningful.

But most importantly, you can STOP PANICKING

Both because of what other posters have said (about putting it all in perspective and about how little you really "need" for Baby), but also because for baby showers, where people want to give you things and have you open them at the party, registry items are frequently purchased last-minute in-store rather than online (or last-minute online and the gifter will give you a card telling you what they've purchased).

And, as someone who's been an out-of-town invitee for many, many baby showers: when you can't attend and you're just sending a gift, the most important thing is to send the gift before baby arrives, not before the shower. So I actually usually wait (when I can't attend a shower in person) until after the shower to see what other folks did not buy and then I will often ask the parents what they need most.

So--Don't Panic

JoMunson · March 2016

@CrystalBolte I've been flamed on boards before and I'm one of those anxiety/planner mamas too, so I'll try to answer your question:
let your shower host/mom know you're worried you'll get a bunch of clothes that you don't have the space for. Your shower host will pass the message on that "she has a lot of clothes but could really use X".
Also, take any unnecessary clothes off your registry now. People look at the registry and sometimes think of it as a jumping off point for what they want to get you. If you only have one or two clothes options, people will take the hint.
now, let's say it happens. You get a hundred tacky ass onesies. No receipts. No ability to return. You can do two things- one, you can donate them. If you donate to goodwill or st.vinnies you get a coupon to shop in store and sometimes you can get nice stuff (that's how I got our glider and a boppy pillow!). You can feel good that stuff you're not that into is helping a mom who has a little less than you.
Two, you could store it. My SIL stored the 12+ washcloths she got at her shower and was able to parcel them out to other friends (including me) who needed them. You could be the cool friend who always has a good shower gift.
I hope I gave you good ideas and made you feel a little better.

sarawifenow · March 2016

The entitlement is strong around these parts lately...

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