I'm finding this all so interesting! It's amazing the difference you see in different areas. I'm in mississippi and even bridal showers are in homes or at churches (unless you are just way over the top rich). Catered is optional but usually, it's food fixed by the hostesses. For my cousins we had sweet tea (of course), punch, cupcakes, spinach dip and bread, cheese ball and crackers, strawberries and grapes with fruit dip, turkey/roast beef ranch roll ups, chicken salad sandwiches and chicken salad with crackers. All homemade. Im pretty sure my shower with DS1 had mac n cheese and spaghetti lol. The quiche things sounds really cool and yummy. I'll have to file that away for future food ideas mmm..now I want quiche
That is crazy! All the showers that I've been to or hosted have all been in homes! All with food made by the hostess (except cakes and treats). I wonder if all the women who post about no one offering to throw them a shower live in similar areas. I sure as hell wouldn't offer if I was expected to spend that much money on a baby shower!
@sdnybrk & @jaceyannie see I've never been to a shower even in home that wasn't catered. And of the TONS of bridal/baby showers I've been to through the years, not a single one was ever food prepared at home or potluck etc. (and no as @sdnybrk mentioned, we are not over the top rich at all) its all catered and 80% of the showers have been out in restaurants or event venues- its just different traditions I guess!
I agree - this is all super interesting to read! My mom mentioned renting a hall or a room in a restaurant and I was like, "WHY would you do that when we can just have it in Grandma's backyard?" That's where we had my bridal shower and where literally every bridal/baby shower I've been to has been held; in someone's backyard or house with food usually prepared by the hostess.
My comment to "leave a few chairs empty" looks so ignorant now, lol. We literally just had an extra table and chairs in my grandma's shed at my bridal shower in case any guests who didn't RSVP showed up.
This has been an interesting thread. I'm from northern Maryland and all of the showers I have been to have been at churches, or homes with a potluck meal, or meal provided by the hostess. So that is what I'm use to.
@ahernandez16 I think I said to leave a few empty, too. I'd be freaking out over RSVPS too if I had costs that high!
@TheHauntedHauswife I'd be hunting them down and threatening them if I was the hostess and having to pay for it! I hope you have an awesome shower and don't stress too much about it. I'm sure some who RVPd won't show,so if any of your holdouts do show up, maybe it will balance out
This is all really interesting that this is so different! I honestly dont mind the idea of the houses and my bridal shower was in my mother in laws back yard. But like i said they rented a tent, got catering, etc. and that was uncommon for this area. Ive never been invited to one that was in a house, or a church!
...and like @MsBeachNJ said, definitely not over the top right. We are a 1 income house hold and my husbands income covers bills and enough else to just live kind of modestly. Definitely lots of things i would like to own and dont, definitely gear groceries towards sale items, etc. I think we just have a totally different standard of livnig here and ive noticed that even what is considered kind of modest to us could be interpreted as being more elsewhere.
This is all really interesting that this is so different! I honestly dont mind the idea of the houses and my bridal shower was in my mother in laws back yard. But like i said they rented a tent, got catering, etc. and that was uncommon for this area. Ive never been invited to one that was in a house, or a church!
...and like @MsBeachNJ said, definitely not over the top right. We are a 1 income house hold and my husbands income covers bills and enough else to just live kind of modestly. Definitely lots of things i would like to own and dont, definitely gear groceries towards sale items, etc. I think we just have a totally different standard of livnig here and ive noticed that even what is considered kind of modest to us could be interpreted as being more elsewhere.
Definitely standard of living is totally different down here than way up there . Same with traditions and norms. I'm waiting for one of our Canadian girls to come tell us we are all weird
Haha! I do wonder what that Canadian version of the norm, if there is one, is. It may be as varied as ours.
@thehauntedhauswife and @msbeachnj I definitely agree it's not about income. DH and I are middle/upper middle class having two incomes and seem to celebrate in line with some other US areas as well as here. I don't think there's a specific expectation in NYC, at least in my experience, that these things need to be extravagant. I do think space limitations play an important role. Not sure I know anyone outside of Westchester or Bayridge that has anything close to resembling a 'yard'. DH and I live in a studio and our host has a two bedroom apt across the hall that is maybe 750 sq ft!
@HBamama2B & @sdnybrkFor one Canadian perspective, I've seen a variety of showers...from catered events at halls or restaurants, to small gatherings at a house or backyard. All of that being in the same general area (I live in South-Western Ontario). It seems to vary a bit more culturally. For example, the bigger events I've been to have always been hosted by larger European families. All versions can be done equally well!
I don't think the differences in traditions across the States is weird at all! I love hearing about how things are done differently & how everyone celebrates. Plus, I can only speak to what I've experienced in my part of Ontario...things could vary so great across the country.
I live in the NYC area, and I've seen showers both at homes & restaurants. The one thing I'll say is that I simply haven't seen these huge numbers - they cap out at 20-25 woman. I don't recall ever having more than a small handful be invited/come in from out of town either for showers - this would pretty much be restricted to sisters, maid of honor, etc. All of my friends either didn't invite people at a distance, or invited people but called and explained that they while they wanted to be sure they knew they were remembered, they didn't expect them to buy a plane ticket to come to a shower.
Consigning @DeePaddy24 -- I'm also in SW Ontario and have seen a gamut of showers ranging in size, venue, etc. I'm secular (raised RC though) and I would feel so uncomfortable having a shower in a church hall, personally, but lots of people don't want the hassle of cooking or have large enough homes for more than 15 people. If you can't host at home or in a church hall, it's hard to find venues that are cheap (e.g w/o catering minimums). Jealous of those of you with relatives who have space and pretty backyards! It's always been my dream to have a family vacation home. No one in our family has one but I'm hoping my husband and I will eventually have enough money to start that tradition for our kids & grand kids (getting ahead of myself?? Haha).
I'm in Texas and have attended and hosted showers at homes, halls, and even restaurants. Some big, some small, some catered and others with homemade food. Our wedding shower was a couples shower at a pub owned by two guys that my H grew up with and it was catered. They actually pitched the idea to my sister one night when we had all gone in for drinks, right after we got engaged. It was perfect. For our baby shower, my sister and best friend rented a tent, tables and chairs from a friend who owns and event company and hosted it in our backyard. It was a family shower in early summer with burgers and hot dogs. Everyone loved being able to see the nursery. My closest friends even put away baby things for us. I was on the fence about it being at our house, but it worked out perfectly and was clear the entire time that H and I were not hosting the event at all. Sorry for the novel, but this is all so interesting to me, too.
I've hosted bridal showers that were in restaurants/country clubs (not 32 pp, but ~20pp). You still don't need a seating chart. You have the amount of seats that you paid for, and people sit wherever. It's not that big a deal. My bridal shower was at a country club, and my mom just had a couple people move around so the people that knew each other could sit together. 70 is a lot of people for a baby shower though. I would only pay for the amount of people that have RSVP'd. A venue is not going to turn away people if they show up, they'll just charge the hostess for the amount of people that showed up, as long as it's at least the minimum that you said was coming.
I find in my experience that baby showers are usually a little more low key than bridal showers. Some are in restaurants, some are BBQs and some are in people's homes.
Wow. Your shower guest list is almost as long and as complicated as the one for my wedding. Around here (northern California), we just do back yard/living room showers with either home-made food/BBQ or simple catered sandwiches.
almostpriceless / @vulpini Honestly I would have loved to have my shower in our back yard or even in the living room. Its just too much work that would have fallen on mostly me for the amount of people coming and the weather isn't going to work out for that either. We will likely have some kind of a BBQ at some point after baby is here though, but would have been great to have the help getting everything into the house, getting to see the baby room, and me not having to leave the house! I also am a sucker for BBQ food! I would have been perfectly happy with that, but its just not feasible in New Jersey in March to plan an outdoor shower. I could have done a small one inside, but more then 15-20 people would have been too much for my house's available space and that amount would not have even covered immediate family, let alone my own friends.
@TheHauntedHauswife I totally get you. I think it's awesome that other ladies can have such low key showers..I begged for a low key shower..hell I begged for an elopement but I didn't get either. My guest list for the shower is 85 ppl but that's pretty normal here in Miami. Most people have huge showers and (and this is gonna cause major uproar) most people charge pp. So your guests contribute $20 or so each. I never liked that, and thankfully neither have any of the people who have thrown events in my honor but most of the showers I've attended here I've had to pay. Thankfully, we have quite a few banquet halls here, so we're only paying like $13 pp with open bar but any restaurant you go to will be at least $25 pp and usually not including liquor.
Another Canadian checking in here! I'm in another part of Ontario and the showers I've been to have all been in someone's house, a party room in an apartment/condo building, or a small community centre hall. All the food has been prepared by hostesses. Now I feel cheap! lol. When you started describing your guest list and seating charts I got confused because I've only ever seen that done for a wedding! My SIL's wedding was half the size your shower will be! It's neat to hear about all of the different traditions. I hope those last few people get it together and get back to you soon!
mrsmartinez16 Wow that is so interesting. Again its regional, I dont think anyone should judge. Different groups or areas are going to have different customs or ways of going about things. Now is that pp fee the TOTAL fee? or is it like the hosts pay something and the guests pay something? Either way, the concept isnt too crazy if its normally done there. If a group of girlfriends go together for someones birthday everyone would likely pay for themselves and possibly still bring a gift, so i can see why its not TOO farfetched. However I do wonder if it then means that you tend to get less or lower-cost gifts, as part of the gift money is sort of spent to attend. I also wonder if a lot of people opt not to attend in lieu of just sending a gift so they can spend more on it.
candicek15 I don't think i ever at any point clarified this so this also might be an interesting distinction.
Normally for weddings here, you have an exact seat. So you get your card a the door and then find your table and then find your exact seat. So they would use like 2 place cards, one to find the table and then one to find the seat.
The difference for like a shower usually, is that basically you only get a table number. So these 10 people go at this 1 table. But within that table they choose their seats. So here thats like sort of the more ''relaxed'' way of doing it, and is more appropriate for showers.
That being said, I went to a christening with no seating chart at all whatsoever (not common at all here.) on sunday with probably about 100 people. It was a huge clusterfuck. One of my friends gave up a seat for me so i could sit down, but basically of our group of 5 or 6 friends, the guys all had to take shifts sitting down because the only available seats were like 1 here or there throughout the tables of other people we didnt know at all.
@mrsmartinez16 That's nuts and frankly I would be offended if I was expected to buy a ticket to show up at an event where the express purpose is to give gifts. I side-eyed a potluck style shower I got invited to a few weeks ago where we were expected to bring your own booze/drinks and snacks for a mommy-to-be that I barely knew.
@mrsmartinez16 That's nuts and frankly I would be offended if I was expected to buy a ticket to show up at an event where the express purpose is to give gifts. I side-eyed a potluck style shower I got invited to a few weeks ago where we were expected to bring your own booze/drinks and snacks for a mommy-to-be that I barely knew.
Yeah, same here. I got invited to a pot luck bridal shower where the invitation said bring a dish and listed registry info too. The hostess basically just provided her living room and some paper plates and streamers.
vulpini Yeah i mean i get people don't always have money for everything but that just doesnt work. Especially in a low-income situation, the mom then probably needs those gifts more than ever. I would much rather be invited to shower where they served pizza, then be expected to bring food.
@TheHauntedHauswife it's not total, the hostess puts up some and then guests pay a portion.
@catherinekate It's very common here but I agree, I don't like it and I've always asked my family not to do it. I agree it's too much to ask of the guests but I've also never been asked to bring a dish to ANY shower...ever.
@vulpini I agree with pp. I'd rather be served water and crackers than bring a dish...or pay. But the ones I have paid for were close friends and family, and I really did want to celebrate with everyone. It's very bizarre (and tacky in other places) but I suppose it's because of how inflated the prices are here. Like I said, my Mom & MIL aren't asking anyone to pay but we went Miami cheap at $13pp. It can get REALLY pricey here even just for a shower. My husband and I got married in Walt Disney World partly because it was cheaper to have our wedding there than in this city.
mrsmartinez16 Oh okay, I can actually see why that makes sense in a very pricey area. Its a weird concept in theory, paying to go to an event where you are expected to give gifts too, but i do see why it caught on. Especially once something actually becomes a cultural norm. If we were to pull that here, people would totally side eye it and i would forsee a lot of issues with people actually paying, like im sure people would arrive but not pay.
@PBear93 It's out of control. This is an expensive city to begin with in terms of rent, etc. but throwing any kind of party can get cray-cray. And with the addition of pinterest...you should see what people have done lol
@thehauntedhauswife Being part of this BMB has been very enlightening. I never had any idea about shower etiquette...people around here would be considered very tacky by the rest of the country's standards lol
mrsmartinez16 I honestly like the more low key ideas and can definitely appreciate them. I wouldn't call it tacky. Sometimes things here are really too much for me but there is also a level of whats expected. Additionally my MIL and Mom are co-paying for it, (while letting my 3 girlfriends plan it) and i imagine if i really pushed for a more low key situation, they would probably suggest i pick out something nicer in lieu of them not minding to spend the additional money kind of a thing. Also i think people around here also love a good excuse to get a little dressed up and eat.
I often joke that i am an secretly an alien because I have a very hard time relating to the culture around me.
Re: Shower RSVPs Help!
For my cousins we had sweet tea (of course), punch, cupcakes, spinach dip and bread, cheese ball and crackers, strawberries and grapes with fruit dip, turkey/roast beef ranch roll ups, chicken salad sandwiches and chicken salad with crackers. All homemade. Im pretty sure my shower with DS1 had mac n cheese and spaghetti lol.
The quiche things sounds really cool and yummy. I'll have to file that away for future food ideas
I agree - this is all super interesting to read! My mom mentioned renting a hall or a room in a restaurant and I was like, "WHY would you do that when we can just have it in Grandma's backyard?" That's where we had my bridal shower and where literally every bridal/baby shower I've been to has been held; in someone's backyard or house with food usually prepared by the hostess.
My comment to "leave a few chairs empty" looks so ignorant now, lol. We literally just had an extra table and chairs in my grandma's shed at my bridal shower in case any guests who didn't RSVP showed up.
@TheHauntedHauswife I'd be hunting them down and threatening them if I was the hostess and having to pay for it! I hope you have an awesome shower and don't stress too much about it. I'm sure some who RVPd won't show,so if any of your holdouts do show up, maybe it will balance out
...and like @MsBeachNJ said, definitely not over the top right. We are a 1 income house hold and my husbands income covers bills and enough else to just live kind of modestly. Definitely lots of things i would like to own and dont, definitely gear groceries towards sale items, etc. I think we just have a totally different standard of livnig here and ive noticed that even what is considered kind of modest to us could be interpreted as being more elsewhere.
@thehauntedhauswife and @msbeachnj I definitely agree it's not about income. DH and I are middle/upper middle class having two incomes and seem to celebrate in line with some other US areas as well as here. I don't think there's a specific expectation in NYC, at least in my experience, that these things need to be extravagant. I do think space limitations play an important role. Not sure I know anyone outside of Westchester or Bayridge that has anything close to resembling a 'yard'. DH and I live in a studio and our host has a two bedroom apt across the hall that is maybe 750 sq ft!
I don't think the differences in traditions across the States is weird at all!
I love hearing about how things are done differently & how everyone celebrates. Plus, I can only speak to what I've experienced in my part of Ontario...things could vary so great across the country.
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Our wedding shower was a couples shower at a pub owned by two guys that my H grew up with and it was catered. They actually pitched the idea to my sister one night when we had all gone in for drinks, right after we got engaged. It was perfect.
For our baby shower, my sister and best friend rented a tent, tables and chairs from a friend who owns and event company and hosted it in our backyard. It was a family shower in early summer with burgers and hot dogs. Everyone loved being able to see the nursery. My closest friends even put away baby things for us. I was on the fence about it being at our house, but it worked out perfectly and was clear the entire time that H and I were not hosting the event at all.
Sorry for the novel, but this is all so interesting to me, too.
I find in my experience that baby showers are usually a little more low key than bridal showers. Some are in restaurants, some are BBQs and some are in people's homes.
Married: 12/16/12
TTC #1: 06/15 BFP #1:07/13/15
D&C: 08/28/15
BFP #2: 09/26/15
M: 06/03/16
BFP #2: 02/12/18
L : 7/26/18 (SIUGR, micropreemie)
Normally for weddings here, you have an exact seat. So you get your card a the door and then find your table and then find your exact seat. So they would use like 2 place cards, one to find the table and then one to find the seat.
The difference for like a shower usually, is that basically you only get a table number. So these 10 people go at this 1 table. But within that table they choose their seats. So here thats like sort of the more ''relaxed'' way of doing it, and is more appropriate for showers.
That being said, I went to a christening with no seating chart at all whatsoever (not common at all here.) on sunday with probably about 100 people. It was a huge clusterfuck. One of my friends gave up a seat for me so i could sit down, but basically of our group of 5 or 6 friends, the guys all had to take shifts sitting down because the only available seats were like 1 here or there throughout the tables of other people we didnt know at all.
@catherinekate It's very common here but I agree, I don't like it and I've always asked my family not to do it. I agree it's too much to ask of the guests but I've also never been asked to bring a dish to ANY shower...ever.
@vulpini I agree with pp. I'd rather be served water and crackers than bring a dish...or pay. But the ones I have paid for were close friends and family, and I really did want to celebrate with everyone. It's very bizarre (and tacky in other places) but I suppose it's because of how inflated the prices are here. Like I said, my Mom & MIL aren't asking anyone to pay but we went Miami cheap at $13pp. It can get REALLY pricey here even just for a shower. My husband and I got married in Walt Disney World partly because it was cheaper to have our wedding there than in this city.
Married: 12/16/12
TTC #1: 06/15 BFP #1:07/13/15
D&C: 08/28/15
BFP #2: 09/26/15
M: 06/03/16
BFP #2: 02/12/18
L : 7/26/18 (SIUGR, micropreemie)
This thread has ended up being really interesting.
@thehauntedhauswife Being part of this BMB has been very enlightening. I never had any idea about shower etiquette...people around here would be considered very tacky by the rest of the country's standards lol
Married: 12/16/12
TTC #1: 06/15 BFP #1:07/13/15
D&C: 08/28/15
BFP #2: 09/26/15
M: 06/03/16
BFP #2: 02/12/18
L : 7/26/18 (SIUGR, micropreemie)
I often joke that i am an secretly an alien because I have a very hard time relating to the culture around me.