My friend wants me in her wedding... :/

blondie080300 · January 2016

So right before I found out I was pregnant, some friends asked my husband and I to stand up in their wedding. It will be on November 26th (just over 2 months after our sweet pea is born). I haven't told her I am pregnant yet but was wondering how you would all handle it. I am not sure if I should offer her an out to ask someone else in my place or just let her know I am pregnant but since the wedding is 2 months after the due date, I should be good to go. The thing is, I am not looking forward to standing up in it just because I have been through it a hundred times already and worry I will still have a lot of baby weight, etc. But I can probably look past my selfish feelings and still put on a happy face and support her. But should I ask to be able to have the baby there with us? Would I really be able to go a whole day and evening without my baby after only 2 months? I plan on breastfeeding so I will need to pump at some point, right? Is that totally doable? I am sure my mother or MIL would baby-sit but I just worry about 2 months being too soon for mom and dad to be away for so long. Thoughts? I also found out today that one of the other bridesmaids is a spazz and the bride isn't speaking to her so she may already be down a bridesmaid. Who knows after a month or so from now when I plan on telling her but still..I don't want to add to her stress. I appreciate the candid feedback on how you would handle this!

noelani42 · January 2016

First of all, I'd probably tell her about the baby now so she knows...secondly, there's no way to know how you'll feel about possibly being away from the baby at that point. Some people can do it no problem, and others (like I was) have major anxiety being away from baby at that point. I'd definitely let her know about the possibility of wanting the baby there if she's a close friend...good luck!

PJpeppercorn · January 2016

Speaking as a breastfeeding mom, there is no way I would have been able to leave for a whole day with a two month old. My DD was absolutely attached to the boob at that age (well, and for the next 2.5 years!) I hadn't even started pumping at 2 months. I think I'd say that your little one needs to be with you and maybe your mom can come with you to hold the baby while you are doing your bridesmaids job. It's just so hard to say how you'll feel about everything until they're here. Good luck!

izzetoot · January 2016

I would tell her you're pregnant, unless you're not telling people yet. But even if you need to wait a few weeks the wedding is almost a year away, you have a good reason to have to step down, and that should leave plenty of time to find a replacement if need be. I wasn't able to be away from my LO that early after having him and I was so exhausted I don't think I would have been able to handle an all day/night party! And yes if you are breastfeeding you might be pumping by that time, but maybe not yet. I don't think I started pumping until 3 or 4 months. And even then you still have to pump every 2 or 3 hours so you'd have to pump at least once while you were at the wedding. You could just tell her you will have to bring your newborn to her wedding and will need to wear a gown that enables you to most BF in public. That may be enough for her to say don't worry about being there!

Good luck!

RedMar · January 2016

I was in this exact same boat, except it was a wedding I was in 4weeks post partum! It was 3 hours away and we brought MIL with us. Between her and my DH, their help was amazing!

For BFing, I was able to pump an extra supply the week before (which was incredibly hard for me to do) and I also pumped while getting ready and during the reception. He was so little that he only required 4oz per feeding. There was another bridesmaid (one of my best friends) there that was about 5m post partum and we ended up pumping together in the handicap stall.

In my opinion, it's totally doable. The dress sizing was a little tricky, but I was able to get it taken in about a week before the wedding. I'd recommend doubling the size you'd normally get and then have a good seamstress alter it.

mamadomino · January 2016

My husband and I went to a wedding about an hour and a half away when my son was two months old. He was in the wedding and went the night before, I drove up that day and stayed overnight. I missed my son like crazy but it also felt really good to get away! I breastfed exclusively until we introduced solids, and weaned at 16 months. I kept a manual pump in my handbag and pumped when I needed to. I didn't store the milk, just dumped it, because I had a pretty good size freezer stash and didn't need it. I would definitely do it again.

mpijun · January 2016

I'm in my best friends wedding 3 weeks after my due date and am also worried , how do you even guess what size dress to buy?

rainsara · January 2016

My best friend wasn't in the wedding because she was self conscious and I totally respect her for that. She gained about 120 pounds and was honest about probably not being able to be "there" for me. It was her second born and she had her hands full. I loved having her for the shower, bachelorette party and hugs and kisses at the wedding. You will know what is right for you and she will respect your honesty.

Clairdelune13 · January 2016

I would tell her about your pregnancy and ask if you could have the baby with you. A two month old would be easy to have hanging with you while you're getting ready. You would need help from MIL or a friend who could care for the baby in between breastfeeding sessions.

I agree about taking dress style into consideration. You've got to be able to access the boobs.

Knottie62456610 · January 2016

The exact same thing happened to me except I was the bride! My friend had agreed to be a bridesmaid but then she text me a few weeks later with her news and I had absolutely no problem with it at all! She was due a 1 month and a half before the wedding and I totally respected her decision. Hopefully your friend will be understanding as well.

diagonalley · January 2016

It's about personal comfort. I turned 30 when my LO was 2 and a half months old (but it was only a month after his due date. He came early. I had always intended on this plan) and wanted to go out and celebrate with my friends so we all had dinner together, my parents included, and then my son spent the night at my parents' house. I had enough milk pumped that I send them with 6 bottles and they only ended up needing 3 of them before I got him back. I pumped while he was gone, too. I enjoyed a night out with my friends and the baby was fine. It did not change my supply whatsoever.

0SeaMonkey0 · January 2016

You will definitely need to talk to her about it, but I don't think there's any rush to do it yet if you're not ready to tell her about the pregnancy. Yes, you might have a bit of baby weight so buy your dress a couple of sizes up, but like you said, it's more important to be there for her than to worry about looks.

The big negotiations will be in caring for your baby on that day. At 2 months, it might not be reasonable to expect you to be away from your baby all day if you're breastfeeding, so she will have to be flexible and accommodate you a bit. If she is really not understanding and will not be flexible, I would walk away. This would be too bad, but it will be a stressful day if you are trying to please bridezilla.

I haven't done it myself but I know other ladies who have and basically, the arrangement has been that Dad brings the baby and cares for it most of the day, but Mom is available to step aside to breastfeed when needed. Always have someone else there who is responsible for the baby, but make it clear that you will need to be able to leave for about 30 minutes every 2 hours to feed your baby. Make sure baby is fed before the ceremony, then just make sure people know when the next feeding is so that photos can be organized so that you can nurse again while the bride and groom are having their couple shots taken. Same with the reception, nurse before the big entrance and then step out a couple of hours later to nurse again.

FireInWonderland · January 2016

One of my bridesmaids was 3 weeks PP for my wedding and I bought dresses that made BFing easy - I only asked she have the baby taken downstairs during the ceremony in case he cried. Instead she had her MIL watch the baby for the 30 min ceremony and made sure she had breast milk just in case. She brought the baby to the pictures then had her MIL take he baby home. She had DH meet her early, she stayed for three hours at the reception and then went home.

We had a no children under 12 policy for our wedding and still managed to work with her. Find out if the church has a separate space where baby can sit for the ceremony in case he or she cries, so the ceremony isn't disrupted, and definitely talk to your friend. If you're super close and she really wants you in the wedding, she will make it work with you or worst case she will be honest and not hold it against you if she really feels strongly about having the baby there.

Eta: I'd also check and see if you can bring someone with you to watch baby since you and DH are both in the wedding. It will be hard to manage during the actual ceremony, unless she's cool with the baby being with one of you the whole time.

kmullins26 · January 2016

Both my sister and sister in law stood up at my wedding 1.5 months and 2 months after they had their babies. The babies came to the wedding and each had their own person specifically there to care for them. Both of my sisters of course had to leave now and then to breastfeed but as long as the bride knows this and is okay with taking the necessary steps to have you in the wedding then I don't know that it is really a big deal at all. Also note that both my brother and brother in law were in the wedding as well so they were not the ones caring for the babies. I would talk to her and if she thinks it will be too much then she can find a different bridesmaid! There are ways to make it work for both you and baby!

miam4 · January 2016

When I got married I had problems with 3 of my bridesmaids. Long story short: they were friends of my husband, and not mine. I wanted to have a wedding like in Brazil with couples on both sides, not only girls and boys.... anyway, I was counting on someone that didn't care about me or my wedding.
She invited you. If she did, it is because you might be someone that she cares and that she knows you care for her. If you are going to be there just to be "one more" than tell her the truth and say that maybe you would prefer to be as a guest and be able to have freedom to get in and out of the ceremony with the baby (if she allows you to take the baby - do you want to take the baby?).
It is hard to predict how things are gonna go... My wedding was 20 minutes long. Talk to her, ask how long it will be,... let her know what you are anxious about and maybe she will help you to figure it out.

Forever0905 · January 2016

I agree it's a lot to worry about, and trying to plan for the unknown is hard. My friend asked me to be matron of honor in her October wedding which gives me about 4 weeks post baby to figure all of this stuff out too. I'm also worried about leaving the baby for so long and what size dress to order. I plan on telling my friend as I near the end of the first trimester. Could you share your concerns with her when you tell her your news? If you lay out some possibilities (bringing the baby, leaving to pump, etc.) I hope she'd be okay with talking the ideas through.

mpijun I'm hoping the sales associate has an idea of what size to order! I'm thinking 2-3 sizes up? I really have no clue...

vrj0522 · January 2016

I second what the other ladies said about taking the baby with your and bringing extra help (your mom, MIL). If you are going to pump milk ahead of time, try to do it early before the 6 week mark when your milk stabilizes so that you have extra more easily. If your baby cannot be there, I would consider bowing out. It's too early to be away for a whole day and you'd find yourself a lot anyway and having to figure out how to store the milk, plus you might not want to be away from you baby that early.

Is it doable? Yes, especially if you have no complications from the birth and you bounce back into shape quickly (which is usually easier to do after your first baby) but yes, you will most likely be sleep deprived and pretty tired and not being able to have the baby there would probably make things more complicated.

Tell your friend as soon as you guys are ready to tell other people and have as frank of a discussion with her as possible. Also, make sure that you know what you want to do before you have that discussion so that you don't end up doing something you don't want to if the option to choose is given to you.

blondie080300 · January 2016

Thank-you so much everyone for your well thought-out advice!

You have definitely given me a lot to consider! I also like the suggestion to know what I want to do before having the convo with my friend. I think it will make things less awkward for her and I if she knows what I am hoping the outcome will be. I will keep you all posted on how it goes! And if I end up in the wedding, I have no idea what size dress to order so this could be interesting. But I will cross that bridge when I get there. Also, I read all of your comments to my husband and it really helped him better understand why this is a big decision for me/why it's been weighing on my mind. So thanks from him too!

CatfishAnn · January 2016

I attended my BIL & SIL's wedding four weeks after delivering #2, with #1 being a week shy of two years old. They both tagged along to the out-of-town wedding. It was difficult, but not too bad. I wasn't in the wedding, but DH kind of was (strange wedding setup, long story), and we had all kinds of extra functions and duties (rehearsal dinner, family photos, hanging out with the bride while she got ready, etc.).

Based on my experience, I think if I were in your shoes I'd agree to be in the wedding but warn the bride that I'll have a new baby and leave it up to her. I've had good experiences with pumping, babies taking bottles, and babies being OK with me gone. Within a couple of weeks of having a baby, I'm OK leaving her for a few hours at least-- and a wedding would be a great time to get your hair and nails done, dress up, and see adults!

My only lingering concern is the timeline. Are you going to be nine months pregnant or will you have a newborn during important events leading up to the wedding: shower, bachelorette party, etc.? That could make helping plan and set up difficult.

CatfishAnn · January 2016

OH, and PS. I was carrying a little extra weight still, but an empire waist and a neckline that showed off my nursing boobs totally compensated for that.

RedMar · January 2016

I actually went to the bridal salon and tried on a dress @ around 15 weeks preg and got some fitting advice from the workers there. I was a size 8 due to my pooch, so I ordered a size 12 which is triple from what I normally wear but I knew I would need room for my "new" boobs and my post partum belly. I ended up having it taken in and everything worked out great! I'm the one all the way to the left and my friend right next to me (pump and dump buddy) had her son 5mos previously. Sorry I cropped our heads (stranger danger). Geez I miss those boobs lol

TeacherMama7 · January 2016

I would let her know and I would think you could still be in the wedding, if your mom could also attend and be there with your baby. Is the reception at a hotel? Maybe she could watch the baby in a hotel room and you could come and nurse every couple hours. Two month olds do sleep a lot so I think it would be fine, as long as the baby could be there close to you.

spacedolphin11 · January 2016

I was MoH in my sister's wedding 2 1/2 months after having a baby. It was exhausting but doable. I bought the dress one size larger than the size that fit my bust, and got it altered closer to the wedding. I also got the top altered for nursing (put snaps on the halter.) My baby was able to be at the wedding (wrangled by my husband) and I had a manual pump with me but ended up just nursing him. Because I was so exhausted, I had a bridesmaid help me with typically MoH things (I could not make it through the whole bachelorette night for example, lol), which luckily my sister was fine with. We definitely discussed it beforehand to make sure everyone was happy.

meagenkraft · February 2016

My sister was my maid of honor a month after she had her little one. She ordered a maternity gown to account for her baby weight, and she ordered it a size bigger to compensate for her growing breasts. She is also breast feeding. A friend held the baby during the ceremony and pictures. It wasn't a big deal at all. It meant so much to me for her to be there, so we worked it out.

homebird · February 2016

I was in a wedding a month after I had my daughter. We just planned to order a dress in a size bigger, and something that would be flattering for me post-baby.

It was great! I had no issues. H took care of the baby, and I took a little time away to breastfeed. My friend (the bride) was completely understanding.

frogdog06 · February 2016

@blondie080300 I hope it gets resolved! (Also finding it funny that we are finding ourselves in similar situations.. I'm supposed to be a BM to one of my BM who wants to get married in Bali (WTF). I'll tell her I can't in a few weeks after our next u/s.) If you end up stepping down as an official BM, you can always help her along the way however you can.

ccreagh · February 2016

I'm also dealing with a wedding issue!

My brother is getting married this June and his fiancée asked me to stand up in the wedding. That puts me at about 24 weeks for the Bachelorette party and 27 weeks for the wedding. We aren't telling people we're pregnant yet--so I don't know what to do. I already told her I would stand up. I just have NO IDEA what size I will be at almost 30 weeks pregnant! I'm already a plus sized girl so I feel like I'm going to need a tent.

blondie080300 · March 2016

Update: So my friend "officially" asked me to be in her wedding on Saturday....after showing up 3.5 hours late to my birthday party where we already revealed my pregnancy news on my birthday cake. It was so awkward as I assumed they weren't coming so we planned on telling people with a message on the cake and everyone else was at the party so we went for it. So when my friend finally showed up, she handed me a bottle of wine with a label that asked me to be in her wedding. It was super cute but also kinda odd since she had told me months ago that she wanted me to stand up in it (hence why I started this post). So I ended up accepting the wine since I had made up my mind that I would still be in the wedding (if we could work out a few details) and then I told her the news she had missed earlier in the night (that I am pregnant). She seemed really happy for us and then showed us all of her proofs from her engagement photo shoot. Lol.

Anyways, fast-forward to yesterday when she Facebook messages me saying she would understand if I didn't want to be in the wedding if it would be too much. She didn't want me to feel pressured to since she understood I had a lot going on. It was music to my ears except last time we talked, she was already down a bridesmaid. So I told her I thought a lot about it before telling her and wanted to still support her. However I was wondering if the baby could be with me so I wouldn't have to be away from my infant for a full day and evening (to get hair and make-up, pictures, etc). But she said she already told other family members that they couldn't have their kids there so she didn't want to tell me yes and get people upset. But, she added that there is a hotel that is 2 blocks from the reception so maybe our parents could have the baby there and I could just go back and forth....!!!!!

So yeah, I am pretty sure that is a deal breaker for me. The convo was super nice and civil but I told her I would take her up on her offer to reconsider and I'd let her know my decision this week. So if I'm not in it then DH wouldn't be in it either she said so they could have even numbers. He is fine but this is all so silly to me. Especially about the part of "no kids" when a newborn needs me to feed it and is not a child. I did call my sister since I was still trying to figure out if maybe I am over thinking this but she thinks my being in it is a really bad idea. Depending on if the baby comes late, I may only be 6-8 weeks post-partum. And what if I had to have a c-section? It all just sounds painful in addition to being sleep deprived. My sister also mentioned (I haven't researched this yet though) that they don't recommend you introduce a bottle until 8 weeks if you are trying to breastfeed and get your baby used to it. So that right there means a sitter would be out (if I deliver late) and then I'd be forced to go back and forth to a hotel. Why would she even want me in the wedding then if I can't even be there? So yeah, I am hoping this is her way of getting me to back out since I plan on telling her "no thanks".

Sorry for the long post but I had to get this off my chest! Btw, I am getting a feeling she may be turning into a bridezilla so I may be dodging a bullet....

Good luck to everyone else in the weddings you are standing up in!!

steminist · March 2016

I've just found myself in a similar situation. My BIL is getting married mid-November and has also set a no-kids rule. It's mostly because his fiancee's family apparently has a lot of obnoxious mid-age kids (at least, according to them). The wedding will be taking place in Tampa, where my in-laws live, but we won't know anyone there to watch a 2 month old... My other BIL has a daughter who will be a year then, so I guess we could leave ours with that side's grandmother? I've never met her, though, and I'm not sure about feeding/pumping at that point either. I might end up just going to the ceremony and skipping the reception in favor of laying in a hotel bed with baby and tv.

JennM205 · March 2016

@blondie080300 I can't believe your friend won't let you bring your newborn! It's not like he or she would even be disruptive at that age! Sounds to me like she's trying to give you an out...and if this is the beginning of Bridezilla-ness then you're better off for it!

And just FYI - your sister is right about the bottle, sort of. Most pediatricians and lactation consultants say to introduce around 3 weeks. (Just a bottle a day until baby is used to it and then every dew days or even once per week unless you notice the baby developing aversions to the bottle and then once a day again.) You definitely don't want to take too long to introduce...we did at 3 weeks, as research suggested, and DD was already so boob-obsessed she wouldn't take it and never did, despite me going back to work at 15 weeks! Not to turn this thread into a bfing advice column, just wanted to throw that out so that you don't find yourself with a picky baby like I did!!

blondie080300 · March 2016

@Jabreen Same here about just going to the ceremony at this point. My friend mentioned it being ok if we skipped the wedding and just wanted to come to the reception. But why would I do that when that is still too much time to be away and not be able to breastfeed. So yeah, prob not happening. Good luck to you!!

blondie080300 · March 2016

Thanks, @JennM205!

I have a lot to learn for sure!

steminist · March 2016

Thanks, and good luck to you, too!

eboyd83 · March 2016

As a pp said I could not have gotten through a day with out baby while breast feeding after just two months. Shoot I planned everything around pumping/breast feeding for a YEAR. Oh the freedom when it's over. But now I'm pregnant again lol. Good luck. I would tell her though. Maybe she has an opinion.

hey_clever_girl · March 2016

I would just be honest with her, and tell her everything you just told us. Voice your concerns and then leave the ball in her court. Tell her you'd love to stand with her, but you have all of these concerns and if she can work with you, you'll do it. But if not, no hard feelings, you'll have to sit this one out and just attend the wedding.

rachajoy09 · March 2016

@blondie080300 I would think that bringing a newborn that needs you to eat should be obviously a different situation than obnoxious school aged family members.. That's weird to me haha. Good luck with whatever you decide!

It's funny because last week, I just found myself in a similar situation. My best friend asked me to be her maid of honor for her wedding on October 8th, but I'm due on September 20! I decided to just decline and break the baby news to soften the blow, mostly because if the baby comes late then I could still be pregnant by that day and it's about a 6 hour drive. As much as I want to be there for her, I didn't want to leave her stuck on the day of if I wasn't able to make the trip last minute.

TheTamedShrew · March 2016

ditto what @runningisrad said. She probably doesn't understand the logistics of breastfeeding at such a young age. I would not have understood either before I had a kids. It might just be a matter of explaining it all to her, so she knows why you are hesitant. I will say that I introduced DD to the bottle around 4-6 weeks, and she did fine with it, but that was luck I think. If you tried introducing LO a week or two before, then you would be able to pump and be away from baby for a good few hours. I COMPLETELY understand your apprehension about that though. You never know how the whole BF thing is going to go, so there's no certainty.

KarlaMCurry · March 2016

I personally would thank her profusely then tell her the situation. The 2-month-old baby trumps the dress concerns... I wouldn't bother with pumping/bottle-feeding. Is it an adults-only wedding and reception? I don't see why you couldn't just bring the baby along. Most weddings are family events, and perhaps the 2-month-old would sleep most of the time anyway. Hopefully a friend or family member could take care of the baby while you were in the wedding party. (pause) UGH... just read your update about your friend not letting you bring the baby. NEVERMIND!

nativetexan512 · March 2016

@blondie080300 definitely sounds bridezilla-ish to me.

My amazing best friend was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and she had given birth one month before. I wanted her to be there, she wanted to be there and we made it work. Her 1 month old was in a lot of our candid getting ready photos because he was there the whole time. Her husband held him during formal photos and the ceremony, and they left about an hour into the reception.

I was so grateful that she could be there and that we could include her in the celebration. To me - when you ask a new mom to be involved in something, you are also inviting the infant, too.

SarahDarah333 · March 2016

Alright- when we had our wedding, DH and I decided no kids because they would literally outnumber the adults- plus we had a semi-destination wedding (4 1/2 hour drive from home) to help narrow the numbers. We didn't have any relatives with brand new babies, so it didn't present a problem, but if it had, I would never have refused them. My aunt was my MOH, and I had three of her four kids in the wedding- her little guy was only 2, but I still let him attend. My SIL also has three kids, two of which were in the wedding, and her youngest had just turned 2 (and was a screaming nightmare), but we still let her come- in fact, my SIL was kind enough to put her in a dress that matched hers (and all the other bridesmaids) so it wouldn't look weird when she had to hold her through most of the ceremony. DH's aunt (who he's not close with), however, continued to insist that she bring her grandkids, who were 5 and 10, because she cares for them most of the time. I had to say no to her, because she had other options (the kids' parents) and they are not infants or small children. She pitched a fit, we remained firm, and she ended up not attending. No one else but my aunt and SIL brought their kids.
In my honest opinion, if it were that important for you to be in her wedding/at her wedding, she would make an exception- especially since her wedding is in the first few months of you having the baby. If she can be accommodating and allow you to have someone to watch the baby, then it makes sense for you to go. In the end it's her wedding, so if someone else has a problem with you having your new little one there she can squash it quickly. The bride gets her way regardless on the big day lol. I know I would have made the exception despite the no-kids rule at our wedding, because I did for two kids that were young- and they were 2 years old! 2 months old- you better believe I'd have allowed it.

I hope she is understanding whatever you decide to do.

KimmySchmidt · March 2016

You don't know what other small children she already said "no" to and what sort of crazy relatives she has that would be offended by the fact that she let you bring YOUR child but didn't let cousin so and so bring her 6 year old. Family drama is a real thing. Sometimes being super firm is the only way to stop all hell from breaking loose.

So, I do understand why she might say "no, not even your newborn" but if the path you take is "No kids" then that means that there will be people who can't attend because of that. My 1st baby was born late August I did not even ATTEND a September and October wedding because it was just too much.

Most experts say no bottle until breastfeeding habits are firmly established, which is anywhere from 2-8 weeks. But for me, I tried to breast feed for 6 weeks with no success. I was attempting to feed, bottle feeding, and pumping around the clock every two hours. You really don't know how that journey is going to unfold.

I understand why she would not be able to make an exception for the new baby, and I wouldn't begrudge her that, but I would gracefully bow out because of that. It's asking too much.

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