@BrooksMommy33 I would personally just grin and bear a second shower. It's like what, 3 hours of your time max? If it will make them happy and not really inconvenience you guys much, just accept the shower from them.
You mentioned being low on space. If you guys get things that you don't particularly need, there is the possibility of returning things for store credit and just getting diapers/clothes/whatever. I mean, Target sells groceries at most of their stores now, right?
Not blaming you at all for feeling like your opinion went in one ear and out the other, but you mentioned this is just how they are. I don't feel like them offering to do something generous for you (no matter if it's actually for step MIL's image, etc.) is something that I would want to start any drama over.
@flowepower5838 You are probably right. Pregnancy hormones are the pits. That's why I need clarity from others. It's really hard to reign in my erratic emotions once they are let out.
@flowerpower5838 Do you think it would be worth it to set boundaries in the future? Or just tackle things as they come? (I know your no expert lol just looking for opinions). These in-laws are the type that want us to continue to integrate our lives into theirs rather than starting new family traditions and having our family members come integrate and be apart of our new family. Ex: they would probably demand to throw DS a separate birthday rather than attend ours and they have already voiced wanting us to do Christmas morning there rather than starting it out at our house.
I would say nod and smile, especially for someone who likes to play hostess such as your step mother, but it does seem a little late in the game for them to plan another shower, as far as comfort level for you and etiquette for invitations.
Whether or not it's practical space wise, there's never anything wrong with having extra baby items. You can pour through them all and decide between duplicates you like best, and return the rest for a gift card for more practical things. And there is a lot to be said for allowing family to keep duplicate baby items at their homes, especially if you visit them often - IE, we got two pack n plays. We keep one and my inlaws keep the other for when we come visit (even though that's only happened 3 times with DS, it's been so much better than hauling one with us when we visit).
I'm with you. I'm frugal and I don't like clutter or a ton of attention. I also feel guilty when people spend money on me. But do remember so many people think showers are fun; celebrating a new baby really is a special occasion that many people love. Were it my family or friends being invited, I might put my foot down due to timing and etiquette. For people I don't really know, I would just wait and see if anything actually comes of it before really getting heated about the subject. You never know, they may decide not to.
@flowerpower5838 Do you think it would be worth it to set boundaries in the future? Or just tackle things as they come? (I know your no expert lol just looking for opinions). These in-laws are the type that want us to continue to integrate our lives into theirs rather than starting new family traditions and having our family members come integrate and be apart of our new family. Ex: they would probably demand to throw DS a separate birthday rather than attend ours and they have already voiced wanting us to do Christmas morning there rather than starting it out at our house.
My MIL is the total matriarch type. All holidays at her house, wants everyone to call her multiple times a week, etc. all while acting like June Cleaver (i.e. bribing DH with food, offering to do his laundry because that's his chore at home, etc), so I can empathize with your situation. I am very blunt with her AND dh about her (within reason, obviously, she is his mom after all). Some people NEED boundaries set simply because they have never had them before.
Thankfully for me, DH has 4 other brothers so I've had a few SILs pave the way for me making it a bit easier, but I would just make your intentions known as things are happening. For example, I wouldn't mention bday parties now, but as it get's closer in the future I would be quite clear that XYZ is the one and only plan. And for Christmas, it only makes sense to do it at your house so to me, it's as simple as saying "thanks for the invite but as we mentioned in the past, we are starting our own traditions. You're more than welcome to come over at X time blah blah blah"
My DH is also VERY go with the flow, but he will back me up if needed. I've been around his mom for 12+ years at this point so I am usually the one to have these conversations, although a lot of advice you'll receive around here is that your DH will be the one that needs to set his parents straight, which if you think he can/will then totally go that route. But if you think you'd be better at it and don't mind being the one they get pissy at over it (like me lol) then you may be better off having these convos yourself.
Just my 2 cents. Your feelings are not erratic, they are warranted for sure. Sounds like you are going to have a lot of these instances in your future, so as far as the shower goes, I would definitely treat that as a "pick your battles" thing. Good luck!!
Thank you ladies. This is all new territory with me so I'm going pretty blind! It's always good for me to talk it out with people with varied opinions and experiences- It clears my head and calms my emotions!
@smushi I didn't even think about timing etiquette! I guess she will have to handle that since she wants to do it so badly! (harsh?)
@BrooksMommy33 we're in a small space too so I get it. Another PP mentioned just going through the stuff and picking the stuff you like and taking it back. I had 3 showers - one in our city, one in my hometown 4 hours away with my family and my work threw me one. I kid you not we had over 20 bottles of lotions/bath wash/etc. Yes you'll use them but we don't have space to store that, basically Walmart will take *anything* back as long as they sell it, without a receipt. I took back receiving blankets (no joke I received over 30, which I kept many), most of the bath products, etc. I also mentioned that we had a lot of baby items (in actuality we really wanted space saving baby stuff) so 2/3 showers people brought books for our library. Also any items that we couldn't take back or use I wasn't shy to donate to the local domestic violence women's shelter. My Mom would probably be mad to know that I donated most of the odds and ends she bought us but I felt great about helping others out.
I have no idea of your situation really, just trying to think about it from different views. Could your Mom be incorrectly assuming you or husband doesn't want her there? Maybe she's just confused what you want. Maybe a simple coversation like your husband suggested would help. Another thing to think about is, if she's not pressing to be there would she be much help if she were there? My sisters mil does the minimum on these sort of things, and my sister gets annoyed she does anything. If she's not thrilled to be there, she might not be the hands on type anyway. I'm not trying to put your mom down, or your request to have her- just saying maybe think from different angles.
I had a conversation with my mom and they are going to change their plans. The Problem I had was that my mom is super excited about the baby, first grandchild on both sides, but all of a sudden she didn't care, and I suspect it has something to do with my sister, but do t want to go there. Either way she loves babies and has been waiting for this for a while and in my mind would be a huge help, she had 4 kids and would have had more if my parents could have afforded it! Just not logical to me. I should probably have expressed my feelings more but don't want to hurt her as I might be making assumptions. I am just glad that they are changing their plans!
@LynseyAW7 I completely understand because I am kind of in the same boat, except this is my second baby. When I told my mom I was pregnant and due in March, her first reaction was "Oh I'll be going to South America with some friends during that time and then your dad and I will be working on some remodeling for the new place that we are moving in around May." I was butt hurt and thinking that I am just not a priority. My parents live in Asia so I don't really get to see them or talk to them often. Our relationship is not exactly close and I am bitter about it. But then I talked to more people and you know what... not everyone is lovey dovey about having grandchildren and people just have different personalities. My parents are very adventurous and having them stay at our place for a couple of days with no activities planned will drive them absolutely crazy. (I think my mom did a little when she stayed with me for 3 weeks with DD.) If it really bothers you, definitely talk to your parents because you don't want to hold this against them for a long time. I honestly still have a hard time communicating this to my mom. Whenever she talks about my LO and plans around it, I usually don't show a lot of excitement. I know I should be talking to her but I am not quite ready yet.
I hate the feeling I get but it is all sorted out for now. My mom is actually a baby person and that is what makes it more confusing to me, she should feel super strong about sticking around at that time. Hopefully it all works out! Good luck with yours.... I hope you have a friend or something that can help fill those feelings... Sucks to feel like you aren't a priority to your family.
My MIL and FIL are awesome people. My SIL however makes me want to rip her head off set it on fire and use it as a soccer ball. I am typically a non violent and certainly a non athletic person. My MIL is hosting a shower for me since my BBF dropped the ball. Cool. Since then SIL (is in her late 40s, has no job, lives with and off of MIL and FIL [we're talking Coach purses, free 2013 car, designer clothes] has taken great issue with my registry. I set up the registry in December and visited once since to add a few more things. She calls every time someone purchases something of of it to tell me what was bought and who bought it. Ok whatever not like what we were getting was a suprise, but I wouldn't have known the from. HOWEVER. she has challenged almost every Damn thing I've put on the registry (she is very single and has been for years, no prospects of husband or children in sight) like called my sister and complained about how many nipples I had on the registry. (Who needs 6 0-3 month, 6 3-9 month and 6 9-12 month nipples? I think that's way too many and she's being greedy. To which my sister (mother of a 1 year old and a 6 year old )responds with, that's all?! she's really going to need more...) to telling me that the glider I registered for is all wrong and I needed to change it from the $150 dollar one that I WANTED and that matched the nursery, to the $400 dollar eddie Bauer one that she liked better. I said no, spending that much on a glider that we will use really only for the first year of baby's life ( give or take) was a waste of money as well as it didn't match the nursery theme. She says well it doednt matter how much it is I'm buying it. All I could think of was Bitch with who's money? MIL and FIL ' S. ?!?! She then proceeded to ask me if I would give her the login information to the registry so that she could manage it for me. WHAT??? I'm sorry, but this isn't you baby! It isn't your house that the nursery is going to be in and these aren't your choices to make! AND STOP TELLING ME I NEED TO NAME THE BABY AFTER YOU! IT'S NOT HAPPENING!!! This isn't the first time I've had run ins and complaints about her. When we first found out we were pregnant we told our parents only bc we experienced a loss earlier in the year right after we told everyone the news. We happened to be at DH'S parents summer home for a week when we told them. She was there and got all weirded out when I turned down a glass of wine. A bit later I was on the porch and she came outside and asked me if DH and I had some news we were keeping from her, I avoided the question. Got up about a half hour later to take a nap and realized that my bags had been dug through and my prenatal vitamins were now prominently displayed on the night stand. I am a grown woman. You have no right to dig through and remove my personal belongings from my bags!!! Sorry for the novel sized post but whew venting def feels good
When you call a sister to say hi and check in on her, then she asks how you are doing and you tell her that you could be better, just trying to hang in there. Then suddenly its, "you need to put those babies first, do what is best for them, not you" (she wants me to put myself on bed rest, like that is possible) and "you need to make your dh step up and do everything, who cares if he only gets a couple hours of sleep because he has to work, grocery shop, clean house and cook, that is part of being a dad". Grr, I called to say hi, nor get your opinion. Guess from now on when my family asks how I am, I just need to smile and say I'm great and leave it at that.
I'm pretty sure I just started WWIII with my in laws...
I told my MIL that it was fine if she threw a second baby shower, but she responded back by saying that she needed to throw one because I was dis-including her and his fathers family. *facepalm* I wasn't done sending out invitations. So I explained this to her, but then I figured since she got to voice her feelings I did too.....
I went on to tell her that I didn't appreciate her not respecting my initial wants about having only one baby shower, and even more than that I felt as though they don't make an effort to integrate into our family. They still want to do things on their own terms. I feel really bad about sending it, but all I was basically saying is that they need to start making more of an effort to spend time with our newly growing family and not expect everyone to do what they want all the time. *sigh* Pick and choose battles huh? Tell that to my hormones.
@Doxies4life WOW. Serious control freak who knows zero boundaries huh? I am sorry you have her to deal with. I would say that it should all level out a year or two after the baby is here, but I have a sneaky suspicion that this is her personality and it will mostly continue. She sounds entitled and spoiled. Sorry you have to deal with that
@blueeyedrose86 problem is , she's spending MIL and FIL ' S money not hers. Otherwise I would have been totally cool.
Yall don't even know the half of it. This is the same woman I had to have a sit down with to explain that at 12 weeks it was inappropriate to get on her knees and make out with my stomach. I wish I were exaggerating. Like open mouth kissing my jeans and talking to "her" baby. She has also informed me that she is the only one that will babysit. We have to offer it to her first. My personal favorite is when she told my mother that she was clearly the only choice for godmother since she is DH'S only sister. My mother looked at her and laughed saying, you are aware that doxies4life only has one sister too, right?
I really thought I had seen the worst when DH and I were getting married and she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid. Then she bought a white dress to wear to the wedding after she got over her butt hurt. MIL said no that's not appropriate to also wear white and she said but it has gold trim..... seriously she would have been a total deal breaker if DH wasn't so awesome.
So MIL decides to call me. We are completely candid with each other and I tell her that yeah: One of the reasons I didn't want to have a second baby shower was because I would feel uncomfortable. The people invited would all be her friends and his family that we NEVER see. I would feel awkward just sitting in the middle of the room receiving gifts while people talked about me and touched my stomach. I also told her that was one of the reasons why we only wanted ONE baby shower. So that it would be a multitude of people instead of just people I wasn't as comfortable around. Her excuses?: "I understand this is YOUR first baby, but this is OUR first grandchild." (She is the step mom). She also used the excuse of her family and his family not being invited. I HAVENT FINISHED THE DAMN INVITATIONS YET!!! She also expressed that by having only one baby shower then not everyone could "bless" the baby by helping. I began to tell her that she was welcome to help out with whatever she wanted-she interrupted me by telling some story from when she was pregnant and felt too independent to get help. (not my case at all). She also came to the conclusion-after I told her that I was not trying to come off sounding ungrateful or selfish by not wanting a baby shower- that I was ungrateful and selfish. And that she wasn't going to throw a baby shower for someone who didn't want one in the first place and was only agreeing now because she felt she had to. <- this is too true. I DIDN'T WANT A SECOND SHOWER. I DID CAVE BECAUSE I FELT I HAD TO.- but no. I tell her that I would be honored if she would like to still throw me and shower and I assured her that I was having my own personal feelings and emotions about it which is why I didn't agree in the first place. I GROVLED. So what does she do? "Well. I don't know. Baby showers are really expensive to throw for someone who doesn't even want a second one. I'll have to check my schedule and see if we would even be able to do something still. Plus my son is in baseball that month." Why did I give in!? Because in the end I really do hate confrontation. And I really do hate being on bad terms with people. But what really pisses me off is the fact that I gave in and she still had an attitude.
Sorry for the novel. Just venting. SO doesn't understand why I was so upset.
Background: DH and I decided not to announce our pregnancy on Facebook for various reasons. We've told family, close friends, and other need-to-know folks, but that's it.
Vent: SIL and her family came earlier, and she mentioned something to MIL about a post she tagged MIL in involving frilly bows and other baby-girly attire. I didn't see the post, so I just looked up MIL's page. It would have been okay if SIL hadn't commented underneath about how she's ready for a baby girl in the family finally. Which lead her cousin/distant relative to ask, "Oh you're having a girl?" SIL told her no but said DH and I are having a girl in March. Gee, thanks. I just learned about this annoyance, so I'll tell DH when he gets home. I hope he isn't cool with it either and says something to his sister, but really, it's out there. I can't really expect to do anything now. People should learn to use good judgement.
@bethanynaom bad FB ettiequte is a a big pet peeve of mine. My mom is the worst with it. I might have mentioned it before but my cousin and his wife had a baby and got engaged (right after baby was born) in early December and my Mom was the first to put it on FB. I got her to take it down within 10-15 minutes of posting but she didn't see what was wrong with doing that. My cousin and his wife posted the baby announcement and pictures a week after she was born and their engagement a month later. There is no need to post other people's information on Facebook it is selfish and rude especially if you and your partner are private people. I'd let your MIL know not to post anything on until you two do or anything cryptic like "it's almost time!". I told my Mom the rule should be if I have it up you can post it, otherwise it's off limits : )
All. Of. This.
DH and I just got married 7 months ago... My SIL#1 took it upon herself to contact our photographer and get the link to the wedding pictures... Then posted them all on Facebook. I hadn't posted any pictures yet! I was so upset! I had beautiful picture books made for my and DH mothers and wanted them to see the pictures first. SIL#1 totally knew it. When I found out what she did, I was so annoyed. I explained that they weren't her pictures to share and that I wanted her to take them down. This is where it gets ridiculous.... She then informed me that I needed to apologize to her for being very mean and saying they weren't her pictures.... Being the stubborn person I am, I informed her that I was sorry she couldn't understand why doing what she did was wrong. I still haven't posted our pictures on Facebook. I just haven't felt the need!
Bizarre as it may seem, MIL acted like I was wrong too. But then again, she always goes on and on about how SIL#1 is the only one to keep in touch and let her know what's going on.... They have a 3 and 4 year old that do activities and such so they have stuff to share about. SIL#2 has a one year old and number 2 due a bit before me.... DH and I just work and this is our first baby... We generally have nothing to share but I've always kept her up to date on ultrasounds and dr appts. And I don't call her to discuss my day, send her pictures of what our lab is doing, or call to say that DH worked for 12 hrs again. lol! I think she partially realizes that it has a lot to do with the fact that she has 3 independent boys, and claims girls are closer to their moms.
For Christmas MIL (who is step-mom, married when DH was 19) and FIL sent us a card saying that as our Christmas present they were going to pay for our plane tickets to come to Disney World in October for a wine festival and that we would just need to pay for our park tickets.
I was kinda thrown off by this gift. We will have a 7 month old! Anyways, I convinced myself that we could do Disney with a 7 month old and how fun it will be to get everyone together with the baby (they gifted the same present to SIL and her fiancé).
Well, we spent New Years Eve with MIL and FIL and MIL was going on about the wine festival and said that we can drop baby off with my parents on our way to Disney.
Yeah, so we should fly to my parents who are 500 miles away then fly to Disney?! I thought they were doing it because they want to see their first grandchild. It just doesn't make sense. Anyway after she made that comment, DH decided that we probably won't be going and it was a terrible idea to begin with. SIL can't stand MIL so I don't think they will be going either.
MIL acts excited about the baby but then she kinda forgets about him. I get that DH only came into her life when he was 19, but it's still FIL's first grandchild! FIL never said anything so I'm convinced this was all MIL's idea.
@tJaffe I would have lost my mind if someone did that to me. What's wrong with people not understanding social media ettitqute?? I'm naturally a pretty reserved and laid back person and if someone posted my wedding photos or announced my baby's arrival I'd politely tell them that they need a break from our relationship due to not respecting boundaries. I kid you not I wouldn't care if it was my own family or best friend - obviously the majority of people know I have strong social media views
@tJaffe I would have lost my mind if someone did that to me. What's wrong with people not understanding social media ettitqute?? I'm naturally a pretty reserved and laid back person and if someone posted my wedding photos or announced my baby's arrival I'd politely tell them that they need a break from our relationship due to not respecting boundaries. I kid you not I wouldn't care if it was my own family or best friend - obviously the majority of people know I have strong social media views
I basically did. It was really ridiculous she truly didn't understand why it was wrong. I think that was the most upsetting part t me! Lol
My in-laws are great people....my MIL is a different breed though! My FIL would give you the shirt off his back and is so great with our first DD so I have no worries with DS! MIL on the other hand is the laziest person I have ever met in my entire life!! She hasn't always been this way but my goodness it irritates the crap out of me! She doesn't work because she draws disability but does nothing all day!! She keeps talking about throwing me a shower and as much as I appreciate it I have told her a million times we just need diapers as the kids are only 3 years apart so we have everything and my family had already thrown us one and I have more clothes than he will need! (totally greatful for whatever they do, just trying to make sure they know what we "need" vs what we don't) (I hate wasting money)
They are who is going to keep our DD when I go into labor because they live on the way to the hospital and in the same town as her daycare so they are closest no matter when it happens! I haven't said anything because they really are great people but I just can't handle her laziness and negative Nancy attitude here lately! Is it bad that I have basically been avoiding her whenever I can?!
Okay I really need to rant! So SO's brother and girlfriend that we currently live with and are terrible (see my previous rant book) went and put a deposit down in the same complex we are hoping to move into! I'm not that mad about except there are hundreds of freaking complexes in our city and they literally could have gone anywhere else! Also SO and I have been looking for a place for months now. I started looking probably way too early. They just started looking last week. SO and I had a few big hoops to jump through before we got approved and still haven't gotten the phone call. They apparently are already signing a lease. I don't know I'm just frustrated because I feel like we went about all this the right, not lazy way and we are having tons of trouble getting in and they were super lazy and pretty much just followed us and it's easy as pie for them. I realize I probably sound a little like a 5 year old here by saying pretty much "they copied us!" But I'm just frustrated because they had so many options and most of the reason we are moving out is to get away from them. Grrrrr.
My in-laws are great people....my MIL is a different breed though! My FIL would give you the shirt off his back and is so great with our first DD so I have no worries with DS! MIL on the other hand is the laziest person I have ever met in my entire life!! She hasn't always been this way but my goodness it irritates the crap out of me! She doesn't work because she draws disability but does nothing all day!! She keeps talking about throwing me a shower and as much as I appreciate it I have told her a million times we just need diapers as the kids are only 3 years apart so we have everything and my family had already thrown us one and I have more clothes than he will need! (totally greatful for whatever they do, just trying to make sure they know what we "need" vs what we don't) (I hate wasting money)
They are who is going to keep our DD when I go into labor because they live on the way to the hospital and in the same town as her daycare so they are closest no matter when it happens! I haven't said anything because they really are great people but I just can't handle her laziness and negative Nancy attitude here lately! Is it bad that I have basically been avoiding her whenever I can?!
People don't just draw disability - they are disabled and have difficulties working at work or at home, even taking care of themselves. If you can't see or understand her difficulties it does not mean she does not have any
My in-laws are great people....my MIL is a different breed though! My FIL would give you the shirt off his back and is so great with our first DD so I have no worries with DS! MIL on the other hand is the laziest person I have ever met in my entire life!! She hasn't always been this way but my goodness it irritates the crap out of me! She doesn't work because she draws disability but does nothing all day!! She keeps talking about throwing me a shower and as much as I appreciate it I have told her a million times we just need diapers as the kids are only 3 years apart so we have everything and my family had already thrown us one and I have more clothes than he will need! (totally greatful for whatever they do, just trying to make sure they know what we "need" vs what we don't) (I hate wasting money)
They are who is going to keep our DD when I go into labor because they live on the way to the hospital and in the same town as her daycare so they are closest no matter when it happens! I haven't said anything because they really are great people but I just can't handle her laziness and negative Nancy attitude here lately! Is it bad that I have basically been avoiding her whenever I can?!
People don't just draw disability - they are disabled and have difficulties working at work or at home, even taking care of themselves. If you can't see or understand her difficulties it does not mean she does not have any
My cousin draws disability and SS for his extreme asthma. That's all fine and dandy but he doesn't take care of himself at.all. He smokes pot, drinks excessively, has two dogs that he has been told repeatedly are horrible for his asthma that he won't find a new home for, lives in filthy living conditions that can't be good for someone with extreme asthma, etc etc. I am totally fine with people that get assistance that need it, but not everyone that receives it is exactly doing their best (or anything) to improve their situation.
I think that PP only meant that in addition to not working, her MIL also does nothing else. I am sure if she believed her not to be physically capable it would t even have been mentioned.
The only thing left is to start blaming people for acquiring disabling conditions
It can be surprisingly easy for some people to get disability. DH used to come home from work all the time telling stories of people coming to see him for disability determination. There are many people who are on disability and need to be, and I agree that not every person's disability is visible. Unfortunately there is a lot of abuse going on as well, which gives disability a bad rap.
The only thing left is to start blaming people for acquiring disabling conditions
It can be surprisingly easy for some people to get disability. DH used to come home from work all the time telling stories of people coming to see him for disability determination. There are many people who are on disability and need to be, and I agree that not every person's disability is visible. Unfortunately there is a lot of abuse going on as well, which gives disability a bad rap.
That's what always blew my mind. My mother used to run a daycare and she would have various parents talk about how they or a family member were collecting disability for years for things like a hand injury (not brushing this off, I'm getting to my point). Then my mother became ill and ended up having open heart surgery, multiple strokes, kidney failure, etc. It wasn't until she was having to live at the hospital or nursing home they finally granted her disability. So, while I am not saying things like hand injuries aren't serious, it blows my mind how they decide who does and doesn't get disability. It seems to all be based off of who is reviewing your documentation sometimes (further confirmed by my 6 years managing a group home, not just my mother's situation). Anyway, off subject but just sharing.
Am I the only one who KNOWS they want to recover in peace, learn to BF in peace, and have time alone to revel in the creation of our first baby??????
I feel like I'm being made into a bitch because we live so far from family that they need to stay at our house when they visit and I want to space out the visitors.
This is the first grandchild for my parents but will be the 5th for DH parents. Guess who has the issues??
Maybe it's because my parents know me well but I tried to explain that I'll be recovering and learning how to BF but it's totally written off by his SIL because she didn't care who came to visit her in the hospital (not the same as coming and staying for days at my house) and she didn't care about BFing around family. None of these people have offered coming down as being helpful, it's being viewed literally as a meet the baby, support DH (again this was repeatedly mentioned), and vacation in key west and go boating.
Only my parents who are coming to HELP are staying with us initially. Because they truly are here to help. Dinners, organizing, etc. so I can just focus on recovery and BFing. My DH could do dinners, but he has no baby knowledge and is very happy my parents will be here to help with the other things so he can focus on baby and he can learn. He's acknowledged that he'd be in over his head at this point, and I want this to be a good experience for him not one of feeling like he has to do everything especially if I needed a c-section.
Am I just in a losing "battle" here? DH is pretty supportive but it's his family so it's hard.
Am I the only one who KNOWS they want to recover in peace, learn to BF in peace, and have time alone to revel in the creation of our first baby??????
I feel like I'm being made into a bitch because we live so far from family that they need to stay at our house when they visit and I want to space out the visitors.
This is the first grandchild for my parents but will be the 5th for DH parents. Guess who has the issues??
Maybe it's because my parents know me well but I tried to explain that I'll be recovering and learning how to BF but it's totally written off by his SIL because she didn't care who came to visit her in the hospital (not the same as coming and staying for days at my house) and she didn't care about BFing around family. None of these people have offered coming down as being helpful, it's being viewed literally as a meet the baby, support DH (again this was repeatedly mentioned), and vacation in key west and go boating.
Only my parents who are coming to HELP are staying with us initially. Because they truly are here to help. Dinners, organizing, etc. so I can just focus on recovery and BFing. My DH could do dinners, but he has no baby knowledge and is very happy my parents will be here to help with the other things so he can focus on baby and he can learn. He's acknowledged that he'd be in over his head at this point, and I want this to be a good experience for him not one of feeling like he has to do everything especially if I needed a c-section.
Am I just in a losing "battle" here? DH is pretty supportive but it's his family so it's hard.
Are there no hotels near you either? I know my MIL offered for her and FIL to stay at a hotel and my loving husband was like NO we have the space stay with us. My jaw dropped open ha ha.
BFP 2/11/15 (EDD 10/13/15). MMC 3/30/15 D&C 4/3/15 "We will always love you"
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
My in-laws are great people....my MIL is a different breed though! My FIL would give you the shirt off his back and is so great with our first DD so I have no worries with DS! MIL on the other hand is the laziest person I have ever met in my entire life!! She hasn't always been this way but my goodness it irritates the crap out of me! She doesn't work because she draws disability but does nothing all day!! She keeps talking about throwing me a shower and as much as I appreciate it I have told her a million times we just need diapers as the kids are only 3 years apart so we have everything and my family had already thrown us one and I have more clothes than he will need! (totally greatful for whatever they do, just trying to make sure they know what we "need" vs what we don't) (I hate wasting money)
They are who is going to keep our DD when I go into labor because they live on the way to the hospital and in the same town as her daycare so they are closest no matter when it happens! I haven't said anything because they really are great people but I just can't handle her laziness and negative Nancy attitude here lately! Is it bad that I have basically been avoiding her whenever I can?!
People don't just draw disability - they are disabled and have difficulties working at work or at home, even taking care of themselves. If you can't see or understand her difficulties it does not mean she does not have any
My cousin draws disability and SS for his extreme asthma. That's all fine and dandy but he doesn't take care of himself at.all. He smokes pot, drinks excessively, has two dogs that he has been told repeatedly are horrible for his asthma that he won't find a new home for, lives in filthy living conditions that can't be good for someone with extreme asthma, etc etc. I am totally fine with people that get assistance that need it, but not everyone that receives it is exactly doing their best (or anything) to improve their situation.
I think that PP only meant that in addition to not working, her MIL also does nothing else. I am sure if she believed her not to be physically capable it would t even have been mentioned.
THIS!! I didn't think about how that sounded I guess...I didn't mean to offend anyone at all for disability!! I just meant that she literally sits around all day and does NOTHING! You can be on disability and still be able to do things so to me it's not an excuse. If she took care of herself and was still active she would be fine. She had her big toe amputated due to an infection about 2 years ago and she can still walk perfectly fine because when she wants something she can get it and when she wants to go somewhere she is all fine and dandy! So again sorry for making people feel that I was being rude towards disable people..i wasn't. Just talking bout how she can still do things!
So, I was at my in laws having lunch with DH and DS and I mentioned that maybe the baby will decide to make his entrance on Easter since that's 4 days before my due date. My MIL the looks at me with a deer-in-headlights looks and says, they are going to be in Florida (we live in NC) for Easter. Seriously? My MIL is a teacher, so of course she would possibly plan something around Easter since its her spring break, but they've known my due date since Aug. and it hasn't changed. So my in laws plan a trip to somewhere 12 hrs away, the WEEK of my due date. Needless to say I was upset and in response my MIL responds with, well if he comes I guess week just have to see him when we get back. Seriously? I just can't. For my first baby, their first grandchild, labor was 23 hrs and they sat at the hospital until he was born. They saw him at 2am, after a 23 hr labor. But with this one, my second child, their second grandchild, they planned a trip out of town! Granted I don't think that they were putting two and two together when they planned this trip, but still you know my due date, then plan a trip for the last week in March, when I'm due. SERIOUSLY! Uggggg!
@ecswim2fast I don't mean to offend in any way but you're being really over sensitive with this issue. Unless your asking your MIL to watch your first, they probably realized with the first one waiting 23 hours and visiting baby after wasn't a good use of time. Babies come on their own schedule and if your ILs want to travel there really is no good "best" time. Our ILs are snow bird and won't be home for the birth of our 2nd. If I don't have the baby naturally I have a c section of April 8th, and my ILs are coming home the following week. They asked if we needed help but we have plenty. Not to mention it's nice to get into a routine as a family.
I understand your anger. I agree and disagree with @jenniferamcooper. I get why your upset- probably because you fear them treating your second child with less (everything?) as your first child. You want the same excitement and treatment etc? Right? That's what I get from your post anyway... I wouldn't weigh too heavily on it though. Honestly I fear having everyone crowd and "be there at 2am after a 23hour birth"!!!! That sounds terrible to me! If anything I think everyone should take a vacation and I'll see ya in a month! I'm scared that we won't be able to bond and get settled while everyone swoops in on us.
I had a similar situation: My SO's grandmother calls me today to ask when exactly I am due (march 22nd) and asks if we can have the baby earlier? Apparently she planned a vacation for the 11th-21st and is having issues trying to figure out what is most important? (priorities people!) I just calmly told her: "No, I will not have my baby early." She proceeded to insist that I ask my doctor today at my appointment and he agreed that we shouldn't have her early and if we did it would be because of mine and the babies health. I also assured her that I understood if she took a vacation, and I would not in any way, be angry or resentful if she chose to do that instead. BUT hahaha I will NOT have my child early so you can have the best of both worlds.
I feel like pregnant women should be the crazy ones? Why is everyone else loosing their sh!t?? Get it together people.
@BrooksMommy33 yes! I've noticed some prefferences with her two sons so I'm definitely worried about the second one not being treated as important. I've also found out, the family they are going to visit are moving to Colombia the country so this is the last chance to see them. *sigh* So there is a reason, but it still hurts.
At least they haven't asked for me to schedule the birth (which they know I'm definitely not going to do). So sorry about that! I would look at them like they're crazy! Honestly maybe it will be better so they aren't hanging around waiting, which I didn't want in the first place for DS1. We'll just have to see when the baby decides to show! It is crazy how people can get when your having a baby! Priorities! Seriously!
@jenniferamcooper we hadn't specifically said anything about childcare, though I figured they would want to and honestly didn't expect them to be out of town during my due date. I've made other plans for child care, but its still hurtful they won't be there.
You haven't offended me, but I have to disagree that there's not a "best" time to travel, and I think the absolute worst time is the week of my due date.
I maybe a little over sensitive about this in others eyes ( I've had other ppl say kind of oh well), but I still feel it was inconsiderate to not say something if you knew you were going out of town on my due date. They live 30 min away and we see them constantly, so its not a case of them living out of town. Of course they don't need to wait 23 hours at the hospital, but I had assumed,wrongly I guess, that they would at least be in town.
@BrooksMommy33 yes! I've noticed some prefferences with her two sons so I'm definitely worried about the second one not being treated as important. I've also found out, the family they are going to visit are moving to Colombia the country so this is the last chance to see them. *sigh* So there is a reason, but it still hurts.
At least they haven't asked for me to schedule the birth (which they know I'm definitely not going to do). So sorry about that! I would look at them like they're crazy! Honestly maybe it will be better so they aren't hanging around waiting, which I didn't want in the first place for DS1. We'll just have to see when the baby decides to show! It is crazy how people can get when your having a baby! Priorities! Seriously!
@jenniferamcooper we hadn't specifically said anything about childcare, though I figured they would want to and honestly didn't expect them to be out of town during my due date. I've made other plans for child care, but its still hurtful they won't be there.
You haven't offended me, but I have to disagree that there's not a "best" time to travel, and I think the absolute worst time is the week of my due date.
I maybe a little over sensitive about this in others eyes ( I've had other ppl say kind of oh well), but I still feel it was inconsiderate to not say something if you knew you were going out of town on my due date. They live 30 min away and we see them constantly, so its not a case of them living out of town. Of course they don't need to wait 23 hours at the hospital, but I had assumed,wrongly I guess, that they would at least be in town.
I've noticed (at least in DH family) that the subsequent grand children aren't as highly revered as the first.... They spent thousands on the first one for example, but not for any others. DH has a couple brothers and only the very first grandchild was super exciting for them. We're the last to have one and he'll be the 2nd born in this year (5th over all, 4th was born a week ago).
Now, this is my parents first grand child. They're totally over the moon excited so I can't speak for what it will be like with the second, but I do know that they would watch our first and wouldn't go on vacation at that time...
But I also know that they're not typical grand parents.... My momma is baby crazy all the time (they fostered infants for many years before they adopted my sister and will start again when she's a teen). Heck, they just drove 6 hrs yesterday to surprise visit me for the weekend (DH helped) just because they wanted to spend time with my preggo self and help us with some projects before baby arrives.
@tJaffe typically in my Dh family, aunts, uncles, cousins, they get excited about every baby. Though that's with the other aunts and uncles and their grandchildren, so maybe I expected too much from my IL?
Thanks everyone for the advice! Its nice to have somewhere to vent!
I have actually had to take a break from my mother in law simply because of the stress she has been causing me. I have been able to put up with quite a bit over the past few months with her telling me how I might not be as good a mom as I think I will and I'm lucky to have her. My poor husband has been running interference for months and I'm glad to say he has stuck by me throughout the awkwardness.
Recently, I had a conversation with my MIL to explain to her that contrary to her assumptions, we would not be asking her to babysit and/or keep baby overnight at her home due to her frequent smoking inside. I let her know as kind as I could that she would be more than welcome to babysit at our home or at my SIL's where there is no smoking, but that we would prefer the baby not be exposed to any second hand smoke. This conversation did not go well as I sort of expected, and the aftermath distressed me so much that I decided it was not worth it. I would very much like to avoid mounds of stress at the end of my pregnancy, so we are taking a break from contact with her. I am not sure exactly how long of a break this is going to be, but I am happy to say that my stress has greatly reduced and I feel I'm able to enjoy my last few weeks of pregnancy!
"With her telling me how I might not be as good a mom as I think I will and I'm lucky to have her." "I let her know as kind as I could that she would be more than welcome to babysit at our home or at my SIL's where there is no smoking, but that we would prefer the baby not be exposed to any second hand smoke. This conversation did not go well as I sort of expected, and the aftermath distressed me so much that I decided it was not worth it." Two things. "No" is a complete sentence, and never JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You are the momma now and your decisions about how to care for your baby are frankly none of her business. Good on you for cutting her off in the last few weeks for your baby and your sanity! Perhaps she will get the hint. Why do so many grandparents to be get the baby rabies and go crazy? I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is blissful and stress free. :-)
Re: All things In-Laws
@BrooksMommy33 I would personally just grin and bear a second shower. It's like what, 3 hours of your time max? If it will make them happy and not really inconvenience you guys much, just accept the shower from them.
You mentioned being low on space. If you guys get things that you don't particularly need, there is the possibility of returning things for store credit and just getting diapers/clothes/whatever. I mean, Target sells groceries at most of their stores now, right?
Not blaming you at all for feeling like your opinion went in one ear and out the other, but you mentioned this is just how they are. I don't feel like them offering to do something generous for you (no matter if it's actually for step MIL's image, etc.) is something that I would want to start any drama over.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
These in-laws are the type that want us to continue to integrate our lives into theirs rather than starting new family traditions and having our family members come integrate and be apart of our new family. Ex: they would probably demand to throw DS a separate birthday rather than attend ours and they have already voiced wanting us to do Christmas morning there rather than starting it out at our house.
Whether or not it's practical space wise, there's never anything wrong with having extra baby items. You can pour through them all and decide between duplicates you like best, and return the rest for a gift card for more practical things. And there is a lot to be said for allowing family to keep duplicate baby items at their homes, especially if you visit them often - IE, we got two pack n plays. We keep one and my inlaws keep the other for when we come visit (even though that's only happened 3 times with DS, it's been so much better than hauling one with us when we visit).
I'm with you. I'm frugal and I don't like clutter or a ton of attention. I also feel guilty when people spend money on me. But do remember so many people think showers are fun; celebrating a new baby really is a special occasion that many people love. Were it my family or friends being invited, I might put my foot down due to timing and etiquette. For people I don't really know, I would just wait and see if anything actually comes of it before really getting heated about the subject. You never know, they may decide not to.
My MIL is the total matriarch type. All holidays at her house, wants everyone to call her multiple times a week, etc. all while acting like June Cleaver (i.e. bribing DH with food, offering to do his laundry because that's his chore at home, etc), so I can empathize with your situation. I am very blunt with her AND dh about her (within reason, obviously, she is his mom after all). Some people NEED boundaries set simply because they have never had them before.
Thankfully for me, DH has 4 other brothers so I've had a few SILs pave the way for me making it a bit easier, but I would just make your intentions known as things are happening. For example, I wouldn't mention bday parties now, but as it get's closer in the future I would be quite clear that XYZ is the one and only plan. And for Christmas, it only makes sense to do it at your house so to me, it's as simple as saying "thanks for the invite but as we mentioned in the past, we are starting our own traditions. You're more than welcome to come over at X time blah blah blah"
My DH is also VERY go with the flow, but he will back me up if needed. I've been around his mom for 12+ years at this point so I am usually the one to have these conversations, although a lot of advice you'll receive around here is that your DH will be the one that needs to set his parents straight, which if you think he can/will then totally go that route. But if you think you'd be better at it and don't mind being the one they get pissy at over it (like me lol) then you may be better off having these convos yourself.
Just my 2 cents. Your feelings are not erratic, they are warranted for sure. Sounds like you are going to have a lot of these instances in your future, so as far as the shower goes, I would definitely treat that as a "pick your battles" thing. Good luck!!
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
@smushi I didn't even think about timing etiquette! I guess she will have to handle that since she wants to do it so badly! (harsh?)
I also mentioned that we had a lot of baby items (in actuality we really wanted space saving baby stuff) so 2/3 showers people brought books for our library. Also any items that we couldn't take back or use I wasn't shy to donate to the local domestic violence women's shelter. My Mom would probably be mad to know that I donated most of the odds and ends she bought us but I felt great about helping others out.
Problem I had was that my mom is super excited about the baby, first grandchild on both sides, but all of a sudden she didn't care, and I suspect it has something to do with my sister, but do t want to go there. Either way she loves babies and has been waiting for this for a while and in my mind would be a huge help, she had 4 kids and would have had more if my parents could have afforded it! Just not logical to me. I should probably have expressed my feelings more but don't want to hurt her as I might be making assumptions. I am just glad that they are changing their plans!
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
*BFP #1- 11/12/12, m/c 11/16/12 @ 6 weeks
*BFP #2- 1/23/13 EDD 10/4/13
*Emma Rose: 10/8/13
*BFP #3- EDD 03/9/16
March '16 December Siggy Challenge- Favorite Christmas Movie/Quote
I told my MIL that it was fine if she threw a second baby shower, but she responded back by saying that she needed to throw one because I was dis-including her and his fathers family. *facepalm* I wasn't done sending out invitations. So I explained this to her, but then I figured since she got to voice her feelings I did too.....
I went on to tell her that I didn't appreciate her not respecting my initial wants about having only one baby shower, and even more than that I felt as though they don't make an effort to integrate into our family. They still want to do things on their own terms. I feel really bad about sending it, but all I was basically saying is that they need to start making more of an effort to spend time with our newly growing family and not expect everyone to do what they want all the time. *sigh*
Pick and choose battles huh? Tell that to my hormones.
Yall don't even know the half of it. This is the same woman I had to have a sit down with to explain that at 12 weeks it was inappropriate to get on her knees and make out with my stomach. I wish I were exaggerating. Like open mouth kissing my jeans and talking to "her" baby. She has also informed me that she is the only one that will babysit. We have to offer it to her first. My personal favorite is when she told my mother that she was clearly the only choice for godmother since she is DH'S only sister. My mother looked at her and laughed saying, you are aware that doxies4life only has one sister too, right?
I really thought I had seen the worst when DH and I were getting married and she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid. Then she bought a white dress to wear to the wedding after she got over her butt hurt. MIL said no that's not appropriate to also wear white and she said but it has gold trim..... seriously she would have been a total deal breaker if DH wasn't so awesome.
The things we do for love.
So MIL decides to call me. We are completely candid with each other and I tell her that yeah: One of the reasons I didn't want to have a second baby shower was because I would feel uncomfortable. The people invited would all be her friends and his family that we NEVER see. I would feel awkward just sitting in the middle of the room receiving gifts while people talked about me and touched my stomach. I also told her that was one of the reasons why we only wanted ONE baby shower. So that it would be a multitude of people instead of just people I wasn't as comfortable around.
Her excuses?: "I understand this is YOUR first baby, but this is OUR first grandchild." (She is the step mom). She also used the excuse of her family and his family not being invited. I HAVENT FINISHED THE DAMN INVITATIONS YET!!! She also expressed that by having only one baby shower then not everyone could "bless" the baby by helping. I began to tell her that she was welcome to help out with whatever she wanted-she interrupted me by telling some story from when she was pregnant and felt too independent to get help. (not my case at all). She also came to the conclusion-after I told her that I was not trying to come off sounding ungrateful or selfish by not wanting a baby shower- that I was ungrateful and selfish. And that she wasn't going to throw a baby shower for someone who didn't want one in the first place and was only agreeing now because she felt she had to. <- this is too true. I DIDN'T WANT A SECOND SHOWER. I DID CAVE BECAUSE I FELT I HAD TO.- but no. I tell her that I would be honored if she would like to still throw me and shower and I assured her that I was having my own personal feelings and emotions about it which is why I didn't agree in the first place. I GROVLED.
So what does she do? "Well. I don't know. Baby showers are really expensive to throw for someone who doesn't even want a second one. I'll have to check my schedule and see if we would even be able to do something still. Plus my son is in baseball that month."
Why did I give in!? Because in the end I really do hate confrontation. And I really do hate being on bad terms with people. But what really pisses me off is the fact that I gave in and she still had an attitude.
Sorry for the novel.
Just venting. SO doesn't understand why I was so upset.
DH and I just got married 7 months ago... My SIL#1 took it upon herself to contact our photographer and get the link to the wedding pictures... Then posted them all on Facebook. I hadn't posted any pictures yet! I was so upset! I had beautiful picture books made for my and DH mothers and wanted them to see the pictures first. SIL#1 totally knew it. When I found out what she did, I was so annoyed. I explained that they weren't her pictures to share and that I wanted her to take them down. This is where it gets ridiculous.... She then informed me that I needed to apologize to her for being very mean and saying they weren't her pictures.... Being the stubborn person I am, I informed her that I was sorry she couldn't understand why doing what she did was wrong. I still haven't posted our pictures on Facebook. I just haven't felt the need!
Bizarre as it may seem, MIL acted like I was wrong too. But then again, she always goes on and on about how SIL#1 is the only one to keep in touch and let her know what's going on.... They have a 3 and 4 year old that do activities and such so they have stuff to share about. SIL#2 has a one year old and number 2 due a bit before me.... DH and I just work and this is our first baby... We generally have nothing to share but I've always kept her up to date on ultrasounds and dr appts. And I don't call her to discuss my day, send her pictures of what our lab is doing, or call to say that DH worked for 12 hrs again. lol! I think she partially realizes that it has a lot to do with the fact that she has 3 independent boys, and claims girls are closer to their moms.
I was kinda thrown off by this gift. We will have a 7 month old! Anyways, I convinced myself that we could do Disney with a 7 month old and how fun it will be to get everyone together with the baby (they gifted the same present to SIL and her fiancé).
Well, we spent New Years Eve with MIL and FIL and MIL was going on about the wine festival and said that we can drop baby off with my parents on our way to Disney.
Yeah, so we should fly to my parents who are 500 miles away then fly to Disney?! I thought they were doing it because they want to see their first grandchild. It just doesn't make sense. Anyway after she made that comment, DH decided that we probably won't be going and it was a terrible idea to begin with. SIL can't stand MIL so I don't think they will be going either.
MIL acts excited about the baby but then she kinda forgets about him. I get that DH only came into her life when he was 19, but it's still FIL's first grandchild! FIL never said anything so I'm convinced this was all MIL's idea.
What a mess.
My in-laws are great people....my MIL is a different breed though! My FIL would give you the shirt off his back and is so great with our first DD so I have no worries with DS! MIL on the other hand is the laziest person I have ever met in my entire life!! She hasn't always been this way but my goodness it irritates the crap out of me! She doesn't work because she draws disability but does nothing all day!! She keeps talking about throwing me a shower and as much as I appreciate it I have told her a million times we just need diapers as the kids are only 3 years apart so we have everything and my family had already thrown us one and I have more clothes than he will need! (totally greatful for whatever they do, just trying to make sure they know what we "need" vs what we don't) (I hate wasting money)
They are who is going to keep our DD when I go into labor because they live on the way to the hospital and in the same town as her daycare so they are closest no matter when it happens! I haven't said anything because they really are great people but I just can't handle her laziness and negative Nancy attitude here lately! Is it bad that I have basically been avoiding her whenever I can?!
My cousin draws disability and SS for his extreme asthma. That's all fine and dandy but he doesn't take care of himself at.all. He smokes pot, drinks excessively, has two dogs that he has been told repeatedly are horrible for his asthma that he won't find a new home for, lives in filthy living conditions that can't be good for someone with extreme asthma, etc etc. I am totally fine with people that get assistance that need it, but not everyone that receives it is exactly doing their best (or anything) to improve their situation.
I think that PP only meant that in addition to not working, her MIL also does nothing else. I am sure if she believed her not to be physically capable it would t even have been mentioned.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
I feel like I'm being made into a bitch because we live so far from family that they need to stay at our house when they visit and I want to space out the visitors.
This is the first grandchild for my parents but will be the 5th for DH parents. Guess who has the issues??
Maybe it's because my parents know me well but I tried to explain that I'll be recovering and learning how to BF but it's totally written off by his SIL because she didn't care who came to visit her in the hospital (not the same as coming and staying for days at my house) and she didn't care about BFing around family. None of these people have offered coming down as being helpful, it's being viewed literally as a meet the baby, support DH (again this was repeatedly mentioned), and vacation in key west and go boating.
Only my parents who are coming to HELP are staying with us initially. Because they truly are here to help. Dinners, organizing, etc. so I can just focus on recovery and BFing. My DH could do dinners, but he has no baby knowledge and is very happy my parents will be here to help with the other things so he can focus on baby and he can learn. He's acknowledged that he'd be in over his head at this point, and I want this to be a good experience for him not one of feeling like he has to do everything especially if I needed a c-section.
Am I just in a losing "battle" here? DH is pretty supportive but it's his family so it's hard.
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
THIS!! I didn't think about how that sounded I guess...I didn't mean to offend anyone at all for disability!! I just meant that she literally sits around all day and does NOTHING! You can be on disability and still be able to do things so to me it's not an excuse. If she took care of herself and was still active she would be fine. She had her big toe amputated due to an infection about 2 years ago and she can still walk perfectly fine because when she wants something she can get it and when she wants to go somewhere she is all fine and dandy! So again sorry for making people feel that I was being rude towards disable people..i wasn't. Just talking bout how she can still do things!
Our ILs are snow bird and won't be home for the birth of our 2nd. If I don't have the baby naturally I have a c section of April 8th, and my ILs are coming home the following week. They asked if we needed help but we have plenty. Not to mention it's nice to get into a routine as a family.
I understand your anger. I agree and disagree with @jenniferamcooper. I get why your upset- probably because you fear them treating your second child with less (everything?) as your first child. You want the same excitement and treatment etc? Right? That's what I get from your post anyway... I wouldn't weigh too heavily on it though. Honestly I fear having everyone crowd and "be there at 2am after a 23hour birth"!!!! That sounds terrible to me! If anything I think everyone should take a vacation and I'll see ya in a month! I'm scared that we won't be able to bond and get settled while everyone swoops in on us.
I had a similar situation: My SO's grandmother calls me today to ask when exactly I am due (march 22nd) and asks if we can have the baby earlier? Apparently she planned a vacation for the 11th-21st and is having issues trying to figure out what is most important? (priorities people!) I just calmly told her: "No, I will not have my baby early." She proceeded to insist that I ask my doctor today at my appointment and he agreed that we shouldn't have her early and if we did it would be because of mine and the babies health. I also assured her that I understood if she took a vacation, and I would not in any way, be angry or resentful if she chose to do that instead. BUT hahaha I will NOT have my child early so you can have the best of both worlds.
I feel like pregnant women should be the crazy ones? Why is everyone else loosing their sh!t?? Get it together people.
@BrooksMommy33 yes! I've noticed some prefferences with her two sons so I'm definitely worried about the second one not being treated as important. I've also found out, the family they are going to visit are moving to Colombia the country so this is the last chance to see them. *sigh* So there is a reason, but it still hurts.
At least they haven't asked for me to schedule the birth (which they know I'm definitely not going to do). So sorry about that! I would look at them like they're crazy! Honestly maybe it will be better so they aren't hanging around waiting, which I didn't want in the first place for DS1. We'll just have to see when the baby decides to show!
It is crazy how people can get when your having a baby! Priorities! Seriously!
@jenniferamcooper we hadn't specifically said anything about childcare, though I figured they would want to and honestly didn't expect them to be out of town during my due date. I've made other plans for child care, but its still hurtful they won't be there.
You haven't offended me, but I have to disagree that there's not a "best" time to travel, and I think the absolute worst time is the week of my due date.
I maybe a little over sensitive about this in others eyes ( I've had other ppl say kind of oh well), but I still feel it was inconsiderate to not say something if you knew you were going out of town on my due date. They live 30 min away and we see them constantly, so its not a case of them living out of town. Of course they don't need to wait 23 hours at the hospital, but I had assumed,wrongly I guess, that they would at least be in town.
Now, this is my parents first grand child. They're totally over the moon excited so I can't speak for what it will be like with the second, but I do know that they would watch our first and wouldn't go on vacation at that time...
But I also know that they're not typical grand parents.... My momma is baby crazy all the time (they fostered infants for many years before they adopted my sister and will start again when she's a teen). Heck, they just drove 6 hrs yesterday to surprise visit me for the weekend (DH helped) just because they wanted to spend time with my preggo self and help us with some projects before baby arrives.
@tJaffe typically in my Dh family, aunts, uncles, cousins, they get excited about every baby. Though that's with the other aunts and uncles and their grandchildren, so maybe I expected too much from my IL?
Thanks everyone for the advice! Its nice to have somewhere to vent!
Recently, I had a conversation with my MIL to explain to her that contrary to her assumptions, we would not be asking her to babysit and/or keep baby overnight at her home due to her frequent smoking inside. I let her know as kind as I could that she would be more than welcome to babysit at our home or at my SIL's where there is no smoking, but that we would prefer the baby not be exposed to any second hand smoke. This conversation did not go well as I sort of expected, and the aftermath distressed me so much that I decided it was not worth it. I would very much like to avoid mounds of stress at the end of my pregnancy, so we are taking a break from contact with her. I am not sure exactly how long of a break this is going to be, but I am happy to say that my stress has greatly reduced and I feel I'm able to enjoy my last few weeks of pregnancy!
"I let her know as kind as I could that she would be more than welcome to babysit at our home or at my SIL's where there is no smoking, but that we would prefer the baby not be exposed to any second hand smoke. This conversation did not go well as I sort of expected, and the aftermath distressed me so much that I decided it was not worth it."
Two things. "No" is a complete sentence, and never JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You are the momma now and your decisions about how to care for your baby are frankly none of her business. Good on you for cutting her off in the last few weeks for your baby and your sanity! Perhaps she will get the hint. Why do so many grandparents to be get the baby rabies and go crazy? I hope the remainder of your pregnancy is blissful and stress free. :-)