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March 2016 Moms
BrooksMommy33
member
All things In-Laws
BrooksMommy33
member
I feel like this would be a great way to post all frustrations or gratitude for all of our in-laws. They become the family that we never had and (sometimes never asked for). And let's face it. Sometimes they are over the top or cross those boundaries that you didn't even realize you had. So vent it out ladies!
Re: All things In-Laws
I am the first to admit that I have a few "control issues" and I get anxiety when people try to take the wheel away from me. Also being a first time mother I feel like this happens more and more with my DH's family.
My biggest thing lately is that this baby is the first baby in 26 years (since DH) and it's a girl. I always knew that if I ever got pregnant they would be extremely excited and involved, which I am grateful for most of the time, but lately they keep saying that they are going to spoil the baby ROTTEN.
For some reason this scares me to death. I am a very simple person and came from a very simple childhood where we were all taught to be respectful and independent. And above all-gracious. We never had everything we wanted growing up, but we had what we needed. I am terrified that with the money that they have and their pushy behavior our child will grow up spoiled
I know that DH and I will have the say in how she is raised, but I find myself in a panic on how to raise a child that has good values and can still have all of the love and attention from her family. Maybe it's first time mom jitters, but this family is controlling and very pushy. *sigh*
DH goes downstairs and sure enough there is water everywhere. EVERYWHERE. DH is pissed. Anyway, long story short we ended up spending way longer over there, DH was soaked and disgusting but eventually got the sump pump working AND managed to make his mother cry by telling her what we have all been thinking the last few years - you can't manage a house this size. It is ridiculous for you to live here if you can't bother to walk downstairs and check your basement. You need to downsize. None of your sons want this house when you pass away. it was harsh and a little mean but very proud of DH for having the balls to tell her what she needs to hear.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
*BFP #1- 11/12/12, m/c 11/16/12 @ 6 weeks
*BFP #2- 1/23/13 EDD 10/4/13
*Emma Rose: 10/8/13
*BFP #3- EDD 03/9/16
March '16 December Siggy Challenge- Favorite Christmas Movie/Quote
Since DH and I are only children we expect a lot of hovering around, thankfully my family and his know I'm a strong willed person and when either of us put our foot down that's it. We won't budge (we expect this trait to frustrate us with our daughter lol).
Once baby and I are cleared to travel I know we will have to make the rounds to extended family (it's how it's done in my family) but again thankfully we all let parents be the parents. My grandma lives 4 hours away and this is her first great grandchild and since she is not able to travel we will be visiting her a lot during baby's first year.
Visiting MIL house may be a bit f a challenge she lives in a village of 10 people and has 5 dogs and a cat and their house is an old school house (and the main room is set up as such). They are always renovating and the spare room can barely fit me and DH. I know she won't expect us to stay weeks on end but I know we will be expected to visit a lot during my maternity leave. Hopefully by the time baby is more mobile they halt the renovations at reasonable points so nothing too dangerous is about.
One thing I just have to laugh at lately, though, is that they told us early in the pregnancy that they do x amount of money for the first child and will do the same for us. It's definitely an extremely helpful and generous amount. Then there was silence for months to where we just assumed things had changed, oh well. My husband brought it up around Thanksgiving, though, just so we could better plan what we needed to count on buying ourselves - we already bought the dresser, crib and glider. They said of course, but please wait until after Christmas as it's a large family with 3 boys all with wives and then two grandchildren. They go all out on presents for everyone. They've also spent a lot of money remodeling their house this year, too.
Of course, we're not in a big hurry and really just needed to know for planning purposes, but here's the kicker...they went car shopping yesterday. You know, end of year deals are good and my MIL really does need a new car. But please guess what kind of car they're buying? A friggin Jaguar! The car is msrp 88k but the dealership is offering 18k off since it's the last 2015 on the lot. They are offering a discount that's more than my car cost! I can't help but laugh, though, because they've been telling us how tight money is with all the expenses and that we'll need to wait on the sum they've offered - which is not nearly as outrageous as that car, rest assured. But holy crap! Even if I had the money for a car that expensive, I just don't think I could do it. It's just crazy! I'm very frugal and can't justify luxuries like that for myself, so it just blows my mind. I'm the type that wants the base car, no bells and whistles...just a nice car I can keep for 10 years or so.
Anyway, I don't want the cash until I get my Target completion discount, anyway. 15% plus we have a red card for another 5% off! Woot! The money will go so much further and will be after both showers, so it'll be awesome!
Today though I kind of feel like this baby is going to be more welcome in the family than I am. I have a very different perspective on life than any of DH's family because of where and how I was raised, and I just hope I can stay true to my own wishes for my kids in the midst of a large group of very opinionated people.
Is it weird that I love hearing about in law drama it's such a foreign concept for me but I guess I see it since my grandmother is awful to my mother, which is why I'm not close to my grandmother.
I just can't image being part of a family if I didn't get along with them.
But. (Lol there is always a but, right?) MIL is mom to 5 boys and my DH is the youngest. She is June Clever reincarnate. This woman can't do anything for herself but clean and cook so needless to say she thrives on being helpless. It's how she maintains the "matriarch" role in a way now that each of her kids have a spouse of their own. Not to mention the past booze problems....but that's for another day
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
Like just now, I remembered that I need to break out the exercise ball and start sitting on it instead of the couch. So I wouldn't forget, I went downstairs and dragged it and its pump out of the closet, then I had DH air it up a bit. This is not a quiet thing to do. MIL came out to investigate the noise and was really confused why DH was airing it up and why I even needed it. Then FIL wanted the know what was happening and MIL tried to explain. Well, it's not my first awkward preg moment here at the ILs' house, and it won't be my last.
MIL voluntarily drop off food to us (frozen lasagnas, soups, etc) because they know how sick I've been. We're so appreciative for what they do. This Christmas my FIL who just retired gave us a certificate for full house cleaning for the year - he loves to clean and knows how busy we are. They harassed us about Christmas presents but we honestly didn't need anything and they thought of that... some people might find it weird but for us it's just incredibly thoughtful.
It's funny because my family that lives 4 hours away is a bit of the nightmare family. We get guilted about not visiting often. They're supportive in our parenting decisions but definitely question them (questioned cloth diapering and once told me that feeding chilli to my 9 month old was child abuse).
All families have their quirks that's for sure. But if I had some drama that other people have I'd cut them out for awhile. There is no need for people to act like that and no need for them to be in your life. I went through a period where I couldn't talk to my family for a few months. Each time I talked to them (which was daily) they'd fight with each other while I was trying to talk to them, and they criticized my post-university career (I was working casual work with the government, I wasn't a stripper or anything!!). It became unhealthy I'd cry after every phone call and eventually had to tell them if they could change then our daily chats and me visiting would. Best decision I've ever made. I imagine my parents didn't and still don't understand but if you're in a continually stressful and negative environment just because they're blood doesn't mean you have to have them as part of your life all the time. Think about you and your new family
MIL then went on to inform me that she probably won't be going to our baby shower that my mom and sis are hosting. Her mom is really sick and she needs to go see her. Dh was obviously upset that his grandma is sick and this is the first he's hearing about it. Dh asked why she wasn't leaving asap if his grandma was so ill. She had no good response other than she wants to wait until the end of January (the weekend of our shower) and she'd like dh to take her to the airport. Her reasoning was that my FIL would most likely be working and showers aren't for men so dh shouldn't be there (even though she knows it's a coed shower). FIL was shocked too and said he'd figure out her airport needs. MIL insisted dh should be the one to take her to the airport (mind you she doesn't even have tickets yet) if not dh should travel with her. Dh quickly put a stop to it and said his place was by my side and mil responded with tears. You know, because she's so upset about her mom being sick. **insert eye roll** We left shortly after that. Dh thought he'd be funny and ask me if I wanted to come back the next day. Not funny.
Thankfully, things died down on that front after I got laid off. My MIL seemed so confused because she "was going to pay for it anyway" even though I didn't want that to happen in the first place. I got her to back off when I said that too many renovations was stressing me out.
Then, my BIL is STILL insisting (I've complained about this in another thread before) that DH and I do things his way for OUR daughter because she's his "first niece" even though this is OUR CHILD. It's gotten to the point that even DH is starting to get pissed about it.
(A tiny bit of back story to help this make sense; about 3 years ago we pulled our son from her 4 day a week care—that we paid for—to put him in preschool because he needed more focus on education and socialization, and we were moving, which would have made it impossible for her to watch him. She has NEVER forgiven me, and to this day finds tiny ways to torture me for taking away "her baby".) My husband really wants to see the new Star Wars in IMAX, and said he was going to ask him Mom to watch our son one night so that we could go unencumbered. Usually when this happens my niece comes over for a sleepover the same night and they entertain one another, and then play the whole next day. She is in Kindergarten already, so her school is closed, and therefore, she would have been available. My MIL told him no. Flat out. She has the ENTIRE WEEK off work, but is using it to prepare for the 20 days vacation she's getting ready to take, so she can't watch him. I was a little miffed, but not that shocked to be honest, because this is the type of thing she does to "get back at me". Anyway, fast forward to dinner at my FIL's last night. My SIL happened to mention that MIL is watching the kids Tuesday night into Wednesday and then the youngest all day Wednesday so that SIL can take my niece to get her ears pierced. So...essentially MIL can't watch MY kid, but can watch the other kids. Nice. And, TOTALLY CLASSIC. I feel bad for my husband because I can see that it hurts him, and I wish I could fix it. I wish she realized that in trying to hurt me (who doesn't care very much) she's actually hurting her son (who she believes to be 100% perfect) and alienating her grandson (who cares less and less about seeing her as the days go by). Sigh.
Sorry for the rant I just talked to my mom on the phone today and she kept apologizing for buying my little brother (10 years younger than me) so much. She said it's because he needed the stuff and doesn't have a spouse buying for him. If I need something I find the budget and save and buy it, I told her it was kinda silly they held off giving him the things he needed until an arbitrary date. I was more annoyed with that
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
Over Christmas, my ils were staying with us and wanted to check out a specific pack-n-play at the store. Reluctantly we went (as I had no desire to be near the mall at Christmas) and of course the store didn't have it. So my mil turned to Dh and I and told us to pick out thinks that we needed ... With no limits! It was a little overwhelming. She did the same thing during Boxing Day shopping. She needs to slow down.
Edit because I forgot to mention that mil wants to bring 1, 2 or all 3 of my niece and nephews when she comes. We, but especially husband says absolutely no way is that happening!
Funny he NEVER would have called the cops on a kid, wasn't she worried they'd find out she was high?? Sorry a digression.
I don't think there's much you can do other than "we have it covered and you need to help watch the other kiddos, we'll see you when the baby is born, can't wait". Where it's a delicate situation maybe just make her seem like she's needed elsewhere to save her feelings and maybe fudge that the baby came quickly.
I agree - I would word it like she has her hands full with your nieces and you can't wait for her to visit after the baby is born. Try and hype up a potential future visit instead of focusing on her not being there for the birth? My dad is an alcoholic and we have a very very strained and distant relationship because of it - my heart goes out to you, your kiddos and especially your DH.
Me: 29 DH: 31
Married 10/13/12
TTC Since 8/2016
Earlier in the month I got all sorts of judgement and shade thrown my way because our 18 month old DD apparently doesn't watch enough tv (?!?!) because she doesn't know the characters on Mickey Mouse Club House. Now I have no problem with tv, we just don't watch much of it because we got rid of cable to cut our budget down and at this juncture it just doesn't hold DD's attention. I'm sure she'll love it when she's older.
A few weeks ago she was horrified to find out that we put up our pre-lit tree but never decorated it (I'm exhausted and have had a really uncomfortable pregnancy and DH has been super stressed with his new position at work).
So once again on xmas day we were skyping with with MIL and SIL and MIL once again inquired about the tree. I told her in a nice way that I've been spending the time gestating her granddaughter.at that point SIL interjected and said that I'd probably be even more tired next year with 2 kids and I said "yeah, but I won't be as uncomfortable and in pain" (I've been extremely sore and have a hard time getting around like many of the other gals here).
At that point SIL said "define pain" as if I need to justify how I'm feeling. This from a woman who's second pregnancy was also more difficult and who suffered long after with vertigo as a result.
But come on. It's not a competition. And who really cares if we don't decorate the tree one year (or the house). DD didn't even notice- she's 18 mos ffs and is more focused on discovering everything else that's around her. I'm so over the judgement.
There's so much more that's driving me nuts but I should probably stop here since I've already written a novel. Sorry to hear about others bummer inlaw situations.
Now for his parents that only live about 5 minutes away. His mom is the greatest. We get a long fantastically because we see life through the same lens. We agree on most everything and the things we don't are so minimal that we just shove them aside. We love to go get pedicures and go shopping together. Great perfect.
His stepdad on the other hand is getting worse with age and has been stomping on my last nerve lately. SO does and always has done a lot for them, again his big heart and just being an awesome guy, so we are at their house a lot which is fine I don't mind that at all. What I do mind is the fact that every time we've been over in the past few weeks his stepdad has blatantly called me fat. Not in like a cute oh you're pregnant chubby way, in a "are those fat pants?" referring to maternity jeans, "do you prefer chubbo or preggo?" way. And I know he does it to get a reaction out of me because he waits until SO leaves the room. (I weighed 120lbs before getting pregnant and I am all baby now but I still already don't feel great about my appearance because I've never been too big for my clothes, so he just feeds my growing low self esteem)
We have borrowed a small amount of money from them to get my new car licensed because its outrageous in our city, and every time he talks to SO he brings up the fact I have been saving the money from my one night a week job for baby and when I'm off instead of just giving it to them, even though we have a monthly payment plan with them. (sorry for trying to make sure we don't sink while I'm off work??)
We also looked into buying a manufactured home in the same neighborhood as them, but knew we were going to need a co-signer, his mom was the best bet, considering my mom and step dad are giving us some money to get us started in whatever home route we choose to go. We spent weeks upon weeks convincing him that it was going to be okay, that our budget could handle it, that we will be staying together (we plan to get married), THAT THIS IS SO'S BABY (yes, that one really ticked me off). We decided to apply on our own and got denied we have other options but I told SO that I'm done dealing with him and we should just look for a place to rent.
He constantly complains that he doesn't know me very well but at our gender reveal party (the first time meeting my mom) he looks at her and says "(SO) is a simple guy, he isn't going to be able to give her everything she wants" As if he knows what I want, as if he thinks I'm some kind of gold digger, as if he thinks I need some huge fancy house, ring, car, ect. That has been over a month since I found out he said this to my mom and I'm still really upset about it. He assumes that because my mom and step dad have money now, that I grew up super spoiled or something. When in reality my mom came from a poor family of nine and is a nurse who has worked her ass off for years to make the money and work the hours she works now. And my step dad came from an average family, put himself through college while raising his oldest on his own. And while I was growing up and my parents were still married my mom was working 12 hour shifts as a ER nurse to put my dad through med school. Yes all of them are very smart and very good at what they do, but they busted ass to get to where they are. It just rubs me wrong that he is so quick to judge, when he doesn't want to be judged himself.
SO just keeps telling me to block him out that he has always been this way its just getting worse with age, he has COPD and is on oxygen and doesn't do anything but sit around the house anymore while MIL works a full time job, and watches the 2 yo everyday for a few hours, and takes care of the house ect. So I think most of it is out of boredom, but it still bugs me I try to let it go most of the time, but some days I really explode about it. SO gets that and is understanding.
I'll stop now that everyone has a new novel to read. Thanks for creating this board I've been needing to really vent about some of this.
Your SOs family seems like real winners and difficult to deal with. Not putting you down for borrowing money but if your parents seem like their comfortable so I'd approach them when you need things. They seem like they'd be better w payment plans, etc instead of owing small amounts to other people.
As for a house I unless you can swing it now you'll likely have difficulty on mat leave, especially where you have existing debts. I'm not trying to be negative just that owning a home comes with a lot of expenses. I have a really good job and my husband has a decent one (he's a very well paid student) we decided to have kids now in our early 30s, live in an apt and save for a down payment so we won't be punched during mat leave and the expensive period of day care. Lots of people disagree with our decision because "owning a home is a great investment" but I think it's a well known fact that raising kids and money issues are two of the biggest stressors on marriage. Why set ourselves up for failure taking on a huge expense during a time we're new at parenting and not doing 100% financially. If your parents are willing to put a down payment for you and co-sign then that may work really well, but just be prepared for unexpected expenses.
I definitely still think you should explore alternate living arrangements. You're going to be sequestered into what basically is a small 1 bedroom apt with a really dirty kitchen. When you start doing stuff for the baby (like making baby food or if you FF) you're going to want to bleach the whole thing. Maybe it was just me but when I did things for the baby j wanted everything top-notch.