Has anyone gone on a date with DH yet?

doodleoodle · January 2016

I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?

GoogleMD · January 2016

We went on a date when LO was 2 weeks, and have been on a few since this. Yes no one will take care of her like you do, but unless there is another issues your MIL should be more than capable of taking care of your LO for a couple hours. Not to mention taking care and nurturing thr relationship with your husband, is beneficial for your LO as well.

helsbels222 · January 2016

SO and I went on a date when LO was 5 weeks and it was glorious. We only went to dinner and were gone maybe 3 hrs tops. We need more dates!!

It's always hard leaving LO for the first time. Try to leave for an hour and see how it goes, then work up to longer. It really will help your relationship.

dramaphile · January 2016

We went on a date when she was three weeks old to go see Star Wars and it was great. We've done it once since, while my sister was visiting we went to my friend's birthday gathering. I feel like getting out without baby for even an hour or two is important so you can connect on an adult level.

rubirubi89 · January 2016

I doubt your MIL will ruin your baby in a couple of hours, even if she doesn't do as great a job as you. Go on a date. It's important. On a side note, When DH and I went to dinner alone last week we spent the whole 2.5 hrs talking about the baby and going over our pictures of him.

kmd91 · January 2016

We haven't, but would like to next month after he gets home. So I can't speak from experience, but I suggest you go on that date. You say you're worried that it may not be worth doing because it may just lead to arguing. But you don't know that until it happens. You could go and have a nice time and remember why you two are together in the first place. Or it may turn ugly, and honestly, that tells you something, too. Either way I don't see it as a waste. You're little one will be okay for a little while in the care of someone else so their parents can try and improve ther relationship to lead to a happier, healthier family overall.

Pontot31 · January 2016

Go and enjoy yourselves!
We haven't yet because we have no family around and the only time they've been here was Christmas weekend so we didn't want to leave. With DD we had gone out alone by now.
You need time to yourselves too.
A few hours away won't hurt anyone.

SweetTooth126 · January 2016

We go one a date at least once a week, even if it's for an hour without the baby. It does wonders for us!!!

chein1 · January 2016

I was right where you are up until last weekend. We also have a two year old, so we don't argue/discuss heated topics in front of her, for example how unhelpful my DH was being, so we really relied on our night out to hash things out. LO will be fine, and you need to get you and your husband's relationship back on track (if that's what you want).

chein1 · January 2016

Also, just to add you could always have MIL watch LO at a time when baby is sleeping.

mrsgabus · January 2016

We went on a date when she was almost 4 weeks . We went and saw star wars and went to dinner .

My mom watched the kids and we were gone from 3pm till 8.

We haven't gone out since but we will go out for valentine's day

kdoak2015 · January 2016

I have no desire to let anyone watch LO yet, she will be 7 weeks on Monday. DH and I have been out to dinner several times with her. I would personally rather include my new bundle into our world instead of leaving her with someone. I know she'd be fine but I just plain don't want to leave her.

Escheffler34 · January 2016

We went to see Star Wars while my parents were visiting so my mom watched him. I cried from the moment we left until we were on our way home and texted her obsessively. I'm hoping next time I'll be more put together lol but I do believe it's important

doodleoodle · January 2016

Thanks ladies! I guess we'll see how it goes.

rachswi · January 2016

DH and I got 2 dates when we were visiting both sets of parents. That was when Zeke was 6 weeks. He's 9 weeks now and we haven't gotten to go on another date without Zeke. We want to since we love going on dates (we have a special budget section for date nights). It's tough since we aren't close to family but we have friends we can trade babysitting nights with eventually

bellie1223 · January 2016

We've gone out a bunch with the baby (she pretty much sleeps through dinner when we go out) and the one opportunity we had to have family watch her, we chickened out and didn't want to leave her, that was when she was 9 weeks. We have been getting along great though, given your circumstances, I would say bite the bullet and leave her with your mother in law to get some adult time in!!

sacrazy · January 2016

My husband and I have gone on two dates so far, once when she was six weeks, and then this past Thursday at 12 weeks. The first date was short because we didn't want to be away from her so long. The second date was Star Wars and dinner and it was easier to be away. Both of those dates we had family in town to watch her. We're going to a concert next Saturday, and since it's TOOL, there's no way we're taking her with us, so we have my coworker watching her that day.
It sounds like your husband is trying, though, and if your marriage means anything to you, you will go on the date. I understand it's difficult to leave your little one, but at some point that baby is going to grow up and leave the house and it will be just you and your husband. If I were in your situation, I would have to take a step back and find out why my husband was being "selfish and lazy" and talk to him about it. It may be possible that he feels you don't trust him to be a father, especially if you feel like no one can take care of your little one like you can.

doodleoodle · January 2016

@sacrazy I wish it was my fault because then I could fix it, but I doubt he just chooses to sit on the couch holding her saying she wants to watch the game instead of trying to get her to sleep when she's obviously exhausted and fussing because of me

eamarat · January 2016

We went to Target when he was a week (I needed OUT and we were only gone an hour), went to get dinner and see Star Wars for our anniversary earlier this month, and we just left him with DHs mom for the first time tonight to go see Star Wars... again. Tonight wasn't actually a date as my cousin was with us but it was adult interaction without a baby so I'm counting it.

sacrazy · January 2016

@doodleoodle unfortunately my husband doesn't know how to read our daughters cues as well as I do and so I have to tell him what's wrong with her and he adjusts his actions accordingly. Maybe your husband is in the same boat? Communicating to him, almost like you're a teacher, may help him better understand what your baby needs and help you work together instead of you feeling like you have to do everything. I know how that feeling can create resentment, because I had been there with my husband, but he just didn't know what he was doing and needed instruction, of course he didn't communicate that very well to me either, so... We got into arguments like we hadn't had since the beginning of our relationship, but a lot of our problem was deeper than just him not helping with baby, it was also my lack of sleep and his job, all compounding. It's all a learning curve, and I feel like you can get through it, especially if you all can figure out how to work together.

wimamaof2 · January 2016

No one will care for your LO like you. In your case, your MIL in law will be watching her and not just a babysitter. Go ahead and enjoy a date night. It will be good for the both of you to get out and to hopefully mend your relationship.
Our LO is 9 weeks and we have not had a date night since I was 38 weeks pregnant. I am dying to go on a date with DH!

MercyC1130 · January 2016

sacrazy said:
My husband and I have gone on two dates so far, once when she was six weeks, and then this past Thursday at 12 weeks. The first date was short because we didn't want to be away from her so long. The second date was Star Wars and dinner and it was easier to be away. Both of those dates we had family in town to watch her. We're going to a concert next Saturday, and since it's TOOL, there's no way we're taking her with us, so we have my coworker watching her that day.
It sounds like your husband is trying, though, and if your marriage means anything to you, you will go on the date. I understand it's difficult to leave your little one, but at some point that baby is going to grow up and leave the house and it will be just you and your husband. If I were in your situation, I would have to take a step back and find out why my husband was being "selfish and lazy" and talk to him about it. It may be possible that he feels you don't trust him to be a father, especially if you feel like no one can take care of your little one like you can.

Oo I love TOOL.

ColoradoHiker · January 2016

We've gone out multiple times, DS is 8w. It's worth the effort to do things without your baby, so you can talk and be out of parent mode for a while.

itstheblackwidowbaby · January 2016

So it's not date night related since Spawn is our third wheel, but what's saving my sanity and teaching my SO to step up a bit more is giving Spawn to my SO for at least one awake cycle a day. During that cycle I go take a long shower, go for a walk, take a nap, or do some housework. Unless he's hungry it's his time with his son and filed under "not my problem".

flas · January 2016

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?

Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.

doodleoodle · January 2016

You're 100% right @flas thank you for taking the time to write that all out. I know that part of being a good mother is being a good spouse. I'm just so upset with him over the way he is parenting. I do tell him when LO is sleepy and how I have had success getting her to sleep etc. I feel like he's making little effort with LO regarding the things she needs and then I get left to deal with the fallout while I'm alone with her all day because he decided to ignore me and let her be overtired. It's more than that too. We've had issues nursing since day one. She's now 2.5 months old and we are still having issues. I wanted to quit and he told me how selfish I was being and that she would die of SIDS or not be as intelligent and it would be all my fault. He has no right to dictate how I choose to feed her when I'm the one taking care of her. There are some other issues too... Nothing like abuse or infidelity so I know it's something we need to work through for LO's sake. I'm just so angry with him.

I try really hard to like him and then he just does or says something offensive. We did go on a date last night and I made it a point not to talk about any of our issues because our issues have been all we talk about at home. He already knows how I feel so there is no point in continuing to tell him. He's not really changing so hopefully once LO gets a little older these issues will not be such a big deal. When she's a year old it won't matter if she was breastfed, for example.

Thanks for your advice, everyone.

angelinthepit23 · January 2016

Not yet but I'm really looking forward to it. DH's hours are unpredictable at this point so I think the next weekend he's off we will do dinner and a movie.

flas · January 2016

doodleoodle said:
You're 100% right @flas thank you for taking the time to write that all out. I know that part of being a good mother is being a good spouse. I'm just so upset with him over the way he is parenting. I do tell him when LO is sleepy and how I have had success getting her to sleep etc. I feel like he's making little effort with LO regarding the things she needs and then I get left to deal with the fallout while I'm alone with her all day because he decided to ignore me and let her be overtired. It's more than that too. We've had issues nursing since day one. She's now 2.5 months old and we are still having issues. I wanted to quit and he told me how selfish I was being and that she would die of SIDS or not be as intelligent and it would be all my fault. He has no right to dictate how I choose to feed her when I'm the one taking care of her. There are some other issues too... Nothing like abuse or infidelity so I know it's something we need to work through for LO's sake. I'm just so angry with him.

I try really hard to like him and then he just does or says something offensive. We did go on a date last night and I made it a point not to talk about any of our issues because our issues have been all we talk about at home. He already knows how I feel so there is no point in continuing to tell him. He's not really changing so hopefully once LO gets a little older these issues will not be such a big deal. When she's a year old it won't matter if she was breastfed, for example.

Thanks for your advice, everyone.

So now that some issues have come to light you guys definitely have to have a good talk, and a night out alone might help in achieving that. Never feel guilt over the way you feed your baby. I had issues like this too and DH offhandedly made comments about me not breastfeeding or pumping ( I produce almost no milk so moot point in the end). I told him exactly how I felt about his comments, and he never made them again. I do ha e to get on DH about taking care of the kids, so I totally understand your frustration! Communication and even setting up a loose schedule might help. My LO is 11 weeks and is still getting up through the night so I am exhausted so DH and I are going to work out a schedule so I'm not doing all the work. Also, maybe you need some time out of the house, just you, no DH, no LO. He needs to see what his negligence is like when you're not there to deal with the aftermath

kdoak2015 · January 2016

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.

I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.

flas · January 2016

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.
I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.

Actually my message is meant for everyone. If you completely ignore who you are as a person it can be unhealthy I should know I did it and know plenty of others who did it too. You child is your life but they shouldn't be the only reason for living. I want to live a life outside my family too, and if you don't that's fine but I personally would prefer to be me and not just such and suchs mom.

nmwheel1 · January 2016

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.
I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.

Actually my doctor told me it wasn't healthy to only focus solely on my baby. I ended up with ppa and ppd with my first daughter because I only ever worried about her. It was a long battle that left me feeling horrible, as a mother, wife, and person. So yes, it isn't healthy. My doctor told me I have to be my number 1 priority. A healthy baby requires a healthy mother.
I have made sure to take time for myself this time, it's harder with a toddler and newborn, but I need it for my sanity.
I 100% agree with what @flas said.

GoogleMD · January 2016

I agree with @flas 100%.
If you focus only on your child and find your identity in being someone's mom then when they are grown you won't know who you are or have anything in common with your husband. You have to maintain your relationships and your own identity

BowWowBowie · January 2016

I agree with @flas too.

DS was 1 month before my mom watched him, and after that it was easier. She keeps him overnight here and there and it is a chance for me to take a long hot shower, catch up on things that are needing attention (the house, paperwork, myself) I get to read a couple chapters in my book, and get to focus on time with my husband.

If you don't take that time for you, more than likely you will be running on fumes and then burn out. If you're anything like me that burn out will be anything but pretty. It doesn't mean you aren't a good mother and that your child isn't the most important being in the universe, it reinforces that your child is.

helsbels222 · January 2016

I agree with @flas. You need time to reboot to be a good mother. Maintaining your relationships prior to becoming a mother helps. I had ppd with my first because I alienated myself from my friends and SO, made it worse. Doesn't make you less of a mother.

alexiskaren · January 2016

We are going on our first date tonight and I'm really looking forward to it! LO is 9 weeks and will be staying with my MIL.

kdoak2015 · January 2016

flas said:

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.
I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.
Actually my message is meant for everyone. If you completely ignore who you are as a person it can be unhealthy I should know I did it and know plenty of others who did it too. You child is your life but they shouldn't be the only reason for living. I want to live a life outside my family too, and if you don't that's fine but I personally would prefer to be me and not just such and suchs mom.

Im not arguing that you should be your own person, I'm just saying you can't tell someone what is or isn't healthy behavior. If someone wants to consume themself with their child then that is their business. Your an Internet stranger who shouldn't tell people what's unhealthy unless your a professional.

BowWowBowie · January 2016

*you're

Pontot31 · January 2016

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.
I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.
Actually my message is meant for everyone. If you completely ignore who you are as a person it can be unhealthy I should know I did it and know plenty of others who did it too. You child is your life but they shouldn't be the only reason for living. I want to live a life outside my family too, and if you don't that's fine but I personally would prefer to be me and not just such and suchs mom.
Im not arguing that you should be your own person, I'm just saying you can't tell someone what is or isn't healthy behavior. If someone wants to consume themself with their child then that is their business. Your an Internet stranger who shouldn't tell people what's unhealthy unless your a professional.

But it IS unhealthy behavior. Even a non professional can see that.

kdoak2015 · January 2016

Pontot31 said:

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.
I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.
Actually my message is meant for everyone. If you completely ignore who you are as a person it can be unhealthy I should know I did it and know plenty of others who did it too. You child is your life but they shouldn't be the only reason for living. I want to live a life outside my family too, and if you don't that's fine but I personally would prefer to be me and not just such and suchs mom.
Im not arguing that you should be your own person, I'm just saying you can't tell someone what is or isn't healthy behavior. If someone wants to consume themself with their child then that is their business. Your an Internet stranger who shouldn't tell people what's unhealthy unless your a professional.
But it IS unhealthy behavior. Even a non professional can see that.

IYP!

kdoak2015 · January 2016

Pontot31 said:

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

kdoak2015 said:

flas said:

doodleoodle said:
I've made it no secret that DH and I aren't getting along. My parenting style it more attachment style and his is more.... lazy and selfish? Idk. It's really starting to take it's toll on our relationship and I'm finding myself not even wanting to look at him, tbh. However, I'm also aware that being a good mother means being a good spouse so I'm trying to like him again. He wants to go on a date and leave baby with his mom. I initially agreed, but I'm having second thoughts. No one takes care of her the way I do and I just feel like going to dinner or whatever isn't that important and may just lead to more arguing anyway. LO is 11 weeks. Am I being ridiculous?
Okay so I am going to play a bit of devils advocate here. First, you mentioned your difference in parenting styles, yours being attachment parenting. My first question would be is his parenting style really so much "lazy and selfish" as it is more laid back and you're not seeing it as up to par. I'm not an attachment parent myself but from everything I've read it's pretty involved, I could understand why he doesn't want to parent like that. My husband used to do the same thing I.e sitting on the couch while LO's would fuss. We have 3 now and it's been the same way each time. Once he realized I wasn't going to swoop in and take the baby he quickly realized that he needed to comfort/feed/change them. Also since he wouldn't have been around sometimes because of work I would have to remind him that there was bum change due up or LO was probably tired since they hadn't napped for a bit.

Also, you're right, no one can probably take care of LO like you can, but if you're unwilling to try you are going to burn out. When I became a mother, even for the first time I fought tooth and nail not to lose my identity. I was a person with ambitions, and desires, and hobbies before I had my children and while I might have less time to do them now I have not thrown them out completely. There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy. You chose your husband. He is the father of the child you created together and unless there are other issues not mentioned (cheating, abuse, other emotional issues) then you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your LO to give it a shot. It would seem to me that by asking for a date your DH is trying to reconnect with the woman he loves. Pulling away fr it is only going to drive a wedge further between you. You are more than your baby and I bet he's trying to find that woman again.

Let me say I am not religious in any way, but I do feel that your husband should be in your top priorities, just like your children. Do not ignore that relationship for this new one. For me when I look at it, the only reason my kids are here is because of how much their father and I love each other so for me to ignore that would be like ignoring a part of them too. My oldest is 7 and even though he thinks kissing is gross I will still be affectionate in front of them. I want them to see us as a strong family unit.
Alright I've probably written a novel and I probably could go on but ultimately the decision is yours, and not just whether or not you go on a date, but whether or not you decide to work on your relationship.
I don't want to start a war but this comment actually pisses me off

" There can be a desire to throw yourself headlong into being a mother and ignore everything else, but that's not healthy."

Who are you to say that it's not healthy? I am loving being a mother and plan to continue to be headlong and ignore things that aren't important.

I know your message wasn't meant for me but I just think for you to state what is or isn't healthy behavior isnt right and I couldn't just pass it by.
Actually my message is meant for everyone. If you completely ignore who you are as a person it can be unhealthy I should know I did it and know plenty of others who did it too. You child is your life but they shouldn't be the only reason for living. I want to live a life outside my family too, and if you don't that's fine but I personally would prefer to be me and not just such and suchs mom.
Im not arguing that you should be your own person, I'm just saying you can't tell someone what is or isn't healthy behavior. If someone wants to consume themself with their child then that is their business. Your an Internet stranger who shouldn't tell people what's unhealthy unless your a professional.
But it IS unhealthy behavior. Even a non professional can see that.

IYO! Either way I'm not going to beat a dead horse.

doodleoodle · January 2016

Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends *insert musical note emoticon*

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