New and question adopting from foster care

Darling113 · August 2015

Hi all, I'm new to the board and hoping to find some answers and get to know others who are foster parents or who have adopted from foster care. My husband and I have tried to get pregnant for over 5 years now with no luck and decided to start our family, another way, by adopting from foster care.

We bacame foster parents in January. We got out first placement shortly afterwards, two boys ages 1 and 2. Our goal has always been to adopt. Well of course we fell in love with these little boys, only for them to go home in July. We are heartbroken. We want to move on and foster again, but I'm not sure I can fall in love with a child again only to give them back. I know they say the goal of foster care is for the kids to reunite with their birth families, my heart doesn't agree. I guess my question is when they call for our next placement (they have called several times already, but we weren't ready) is there any way I would know if this would turn into an adoption case. I know most of the time, they don't know and that is what is hard. If its long term care is there a better chance? Anything I should look for? Just looking for some advise I guess. Thanks

flerbnerbin · August 2015

I know this isn't very helpful, but generally when the parents' rights are terminated completely is the most likely that you're going to be able to adopt. I was a foster care kid. It took a lot of my birth mother messing up for me and my siblings to finally not have to go back to her. We had been in foster care for well over a year, and she was a repeat offender. I don't know if this helps any, but I don't see any other replies so it might be better than nothing? All I have to say is good luck in your endeavors. There are a lot of great kids stuck in the system that just want a forever family.

MaybeMommies · August 2015

There's no way to tell from the beginning, unless you only take pre-adoptive placements which could take years to get. Like you said, the goal is reunification. That,however, doesn't mean love them less. Love them hard. Just know that there's a chance you'll get hurt. But also know, the love that child gets in the short time you'll have him/her may be the only time that child knows love. Yes, it hurts to love and let go, but it's so much scarier to know these kids may never feel love. It's easier if you support reunification, I'm not going to lie. If you work against it, then when the child goes home it feels like a failure. If you support it, as much as it still hurts, you can see it as a success. You can't view foster parenting as a you vs bios kind of thing. You'll be miserable if you do.

Poppy16 · August 2015

Yes, giving the kids up is super hard. We've been foster parents for 5 years and have fostered 13 children, and adopted 1, and are in the process of adopting a 2nd. To answer your question, no, there isn't any way to know if it will turn into an adoption. Even if the social worker says "Yes, it looks like it's heading to adoption", she doesn't really know. It can go any way, at any point. Unless the parent signs away their rights, nothing is guaranteed.

When we were taking our classes for foster licensing, our instructor would repeat over and over "We are not an adoption agency". It hurt to hear, because we were becoming foster parents for the same exact reason as you. But it was good to hear, because we realized that the foster care system is there for CHILDREN. Hurting, abused, neglected, children. It's not there for me to pick out a kid to adopt. We eventually came to a place of peace in our hearts that we were happy to care for children for as long as they needed, and didn't feel the overwhelming desire to keep them. What helped was learning more about the foster system, and how many children out there truly need a loving home.

I hope this helps. I know where you are coming from and how hard this is. Hugs.

str8ota · August 2015

I agree with PP's, there's no way to know from the start. And the chances of getting a NB is not common. We fostered a 15 m/o and of course were heartbroken when she went back to her BM after 7 months. The only reason we currently aren't fostering is because it was too emotionally hard on our bio DD, who was 3 at the time. I do believe as hard as it is to foster and having to say goodbye to a child, it is nothing compared to what those children are going through.

Knottie1442268460 · September 2015

There's no way to know. We took a placement shortly after another ended and life moved on. It helped us.

FloraMama · October 2015

Like others have said, there's no way to know unless you go into it accepting pre-adoptive placements only. My husband and I got extremely lucky, and were matched with a child immediately. The homestudy took a couple months and we began visitations, with move-in day happening anytime now.

In our state, licenses for adoption and foster care are different. We were licensed to adopt from the get-go, and never licensed for foster care. So, we'll never be placed with a child unless his/her parental rights have already been terminated.

But, like already mentioned, this could easily backfire and we could end up waiting years for our next child. It's the trade-off though, to avoid the heartbreak of losing a foster child.

Cmartin6706 · January 2016

We've been foster parents for many years and all but one of our former placements has bounced back to our home. We are waiting to see if one if those kids, that has been with us nearly three years, will be freed for adoption. The other kids moved to relatives despite bouncing back to us. In our experience we could pick which kids would come back:
1. Long cases. The kids are with us for at least a year.
2. The child was going back to the parent they were removed from.
3. That parent wasn't very successful at handling stress.

We hold a bed for that child for at least 6 months and longer if we can in case they come back. We wouldn't have our daughter otherwise.

Additionally, before you take a placement you can ask what type of resources have already been located. Are there grandparents etc already involved? If so, if they are willing and pass checks the child will likely go there. We knew our daughter had no safe resources when she came to us and if it failed with biomom she'd likely go to adoption.

You can't pick the perfect case but you can do some preparation including becoming useful and helpful to the caseworkers. Become the best foster parents you can be and your county might thank you with a placement. No, they aren't suppose to but cases go to foster parent that are easy to work with.

Another thing, start thinking of yourself as a "helping home" looking to adopt. It's easier to let go when you remember that you are helping them and a piece of your wonderful parenting will stay with them and effect their lives into and through adulthood.

Knottie1442268460 · January 2016

Where I'm at infants are common so that's just a matter of what issues are affecting your community.

I agree that if you make friends with the department and are helpful, etc they look out for you on placements. And more importantly have you at the top of their memory.

I checked in with our worker asking if there was volunteering needed before our first placement. We hadn't even officially received our license although it as just due to delays in processing it because it was holiday time. That infant went to family 7 mos later.

A week later we have our soon to be adopted child placed at 1 month old. They knew we were having a hard loss! Now we have the sibling, from the hospital.

New and question adopting from foster care

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