The other day I was telling DH how excited I was for him to be a dad, and how I knew that he would just fall utterly in love once he saw our LO. He promptly tells me that he dislikes talking about things like this because it makes him disconnect from my pregnancy and he doesn't want to think about it. Um, WTF?!
To make it worse, he refuses to learn anything about pregnancy or L&D. He has always relied on me being the take-charge type while he just sits back and enjoys the ride. He has zero interest in learning how to help me through my labor, and keeps saying he doesn't want to see the baby come out. He's practically the only support person I have in my entire life, let alone in L&D. I'm crushed by his lack of caring, and becoming so scared of the day LO decides to show up. I haven't felt this alone in a really long time, and I want to scratch his eyes out for acting like a jerk and leaving me feeling so helpless.
@ButterMyBiscuit Yep.... I'm right there with you. And Tylenol is worthless.
My WTF... My DS was born in Nov'14 and I asked my oldest sister to be the one to stay over and help at our house so we could get acquainted to having a new little member of the family in the house. Well apparently she has been mad at me for over a year now because she wanted to stay the whole week, but I only needed her on that first night (which I remember telling her before DS was born that it would probably just be that one night). She has been holding it against me since then and it all came to a head yesterday. UM..... crazy???? see I thought I was being nice by telling her... hey... we're doing good go get back to your life. But I guess not. And I would think she would be happy that I am doing so good that I don't need extra help.... but again... I guess not.
The other day I was telling DH how excited I was for him to be a dad, and how I knew that he would just fall utterly in love once he saw our LO. He promptly tells me that he dislikes talking about things like this because it makes him disconnect from my pregnancy and he doesn't want to think about it. Um, WTF?!
To make it worse, he refuses to learn anything about pregnancy or L&D. He has always relied on me being the take-charge type while he just sits back and enjoys the ride. He has zero interest in learning how to help me through my labor, and keeps saying he doesn't want to see the baby come out. He's practically the only support person I have in my entire life, let alone in L&D. I'm crushed by his lack of caring, and becoming so scared of the day LO decides to show up. I haven't felt this alone in a really long time, and I want to scratch his eyes out for acting like a jerk and leaving me feeling so helpless.
This happened with my first pregnancy. Turns out, he was just extremely nervous and scared of his abilities. He ended up right in the middle of the action during labor and he is an amazing father. Men get jittery. Give him some time.
@benton319 I was going to say the same thing as ButterMyBiscuit. Before I found out I was pregnant with DS1 H and I got in a huge argument about having kids. I remember saying.... We better stop trying because you are NOT ready to have a baby. He was just freaking out and over analyzing everything. He said he didn't want to cut the cord (which he wasn't able to do anyways.... but was really disappointed he couldn't in the end) and also said he didn't want to be anywhere near "down there" when it happened. Well he ended up holding one of the legs and saw DS's head (which IMO it would have been ok if he didn't look, cause I know some men really can't handle that), he was an excellent coach, and is an excellent father. There is the saying though "women become mothers at conception, but men become fathers at birth" and that is SO very true for many men.
The other day I was telling DH how excited I was for him to be a dad, and how I knew that he would just fall utterly in love once he saw our LO. He promptly tells me that he dislikes talking about things like this because it makes him disconnect from my pregnancy and he doesn't want to think about it. Um, WTF?!
To make it worse, he refuses to learn anything about pregnancy or L&D. He has always relied on me being the take-charge type while he just sits back and enjoys the ride. He has zero interest in learning how to help me through my labor, and keeps saying he doesn't want to see the baby come out. He's practically the only support person I have in my entire life, let alone in L&D. I'm crushed by his lack of caring, and becoming so scared of the day LO decides to show up. I haven't felt this alone in a really long time, and I want to scratch his eyes out for acting like a jerk and leaving me feeling so helpless.
This happened with my first pregnancy. Turns out, he was just extremely nervous and scared of his abilities. He ended up right in the middle of the action during labor and he is an amazing father. Men get jittery. Give him some time.
My DH is the same way. I can practically see his eyes glaze over when I start talking about pregnancy or baby stuff. Because I'm so gung ho to research everything he has the opinion that he doesn't need to know anything because I'll just tell him what he needs to know, but then doesn't want to talk about it. I'm trying to share in the experience and I often feel alone in it. He's slowly starting to come around though and its good to have @ButterMyBiscuit 's perspective and realize that he's probably scared shitless about the whole thing and I just need to be patient and let him process.
I stepped in mud in my work shoes this morning because DH just had to park the trailer across the gravel walkway last night and it was dark so I couldn't see the mud going out to the car.
That led to me griping at him because he had gotten in the car 5 minutes early and was just sitting there, waiting for me. And then I fumed the whole way to work, where I yelled at him and ugly cried because it was his fault (according to the hormones) there was mud on my shoe, I had no breakfast and no lunch (and no car) to take to work and I told him he was just a big inconsiderate meanie. I make sure he has a lunch to take and something to eat on the way for breakfast pretty much every day.
I fully realize that I'm being ridiculous and am responsible for feeding myself, but hormones.
My DH has two kids from a previous marriage. I love them dearly and this has nothing to do with them, but having to deal with the ex sometimes is a nightmare.. I don't want to be involved in your immature bs that you have with him, leave me out of it.
This day got off to a hell of a start. I couldn't get my dogs inside because they were too busy barking at a squirrel, and then on the way in my lunch flew off my bike rack and the bungee got stuck in the wheel. I live really close to work but I still had to walk in the rest of the way (about a mile), so between the two delays I was super late. And now before I go home I have to do some surgery on the situation in order to get my bike functioning. Not how I'd like to spend my afternoon.
@dolewhipper All I do is eat and pee! (Not at the same time.)
My WTF is for my mother. She was working with my husband to plan my surprise 30th birthday party. So DH went ahead and invited a bunch of my friends. Then when he told my mom my friends were confirmed, she said, "oh i'm sorry, I was drunk when I had that idea. I just can't get that day off of work." (she's the manager of said workplace.) Well, she didn't say it, she had my sister in law tell him that. My husband told me about all of this because he didn't know if he should go ahead with the party, as he had been uncertain about what I had wanted, and he was mad at my mom. (It was also supposed to be a joint party with my brother, so it would have involved a lot more planning.)
I said no, I don't want to, because it feels really shitty that I would have felt super loved on my birthday, and now I feel unworthy of love. In addition, she told my husband to only invite my friends with kids so we could have a park party. Which, with an 8 year old step son, and a LO on the way, I would have preferred an adult party for my 30th. I was thinking one night away with my husband, but we don't have anywhere for my step son to go.
This woman is why I'm in therapy. She worked through my childhood and now she'll work through my adulthood. Now I just feel depressed. I wish I could drink on my birthday.
@benten24- I think there are a lot of men who are in for a rude awakening. I do the same thing you do- do the research so my husband does not have to do it. It's just been easier to do most of the heavy lifting because it's easier and frankly my husbands tolerance for being annoyed is nil. Especially during our IUI, I carried the entire burden and he just had to show up once a cycle for his portion.
I had an epiphany last night when I was putting away his laundry. In a few months, there is going to be a real baby who needs me, not a 33 year old man baby. He is going to have to learn how to donate his own clothes and put his laundry away because I'm going to be doing that for baby.
I reminded him again that he needs to get both a flu and whooping cough vaccine. He started bitching and I just cut him off and said just do it.
WTF loneliness. My biggest complaint is how isolating pregnancy feels. Friends have disappeared. Work feels more awkward and strained. Even with my amazing husband who is as supportive as it's possible for him to be, I feel lonelier. We have always been 100% equal partners in all things, ignoring gender roles, writing off any differences as minutia, but I just feel so different and separate from him now. While I am enjoying pregnancy more now, I hate that I have to do it alone. I hate that my husband can only be a bystander and as much as I explain what's going on, he can't really understand it in more than an abstract way. And I hate that friends and co-workers are seemingly uncomfortable with pregnancy! Holy belly stares- and it's JUST showed up. I can only imagine the glances, stares, and double-takes getting worse. Hey I'm up here and I'd like to be invited to lunch or chat or hang out!!! Please don't look a me inquisitively and then not speak to me
How are you guys dealing with loneliness? Anyone feeling it?
WTF is my MIL who thinks that I would want tons of people touching my baby 30days post partum for a Chinese tradition that no one closely follows anymore.
In our culture, we celebrate the first month birthday for a child but I am not comfortable with that due to so many people coming in contact with the baby. My DH's cousin had a baby last year and did bring her 30day old baby to Christmas but that is her decision. What she chose to do for her baby does not mean that I will do the same thing. She kept telling us that its just the family and when asked who is "just the family" she starts naming about 50 people. NO... just no, keep your dirty hands off of my baby. My parents are a little more relaxed in terms of that tradition and we are going to go for the more modern 100 day celebration which I am more comfortable with.
@Natinat6 recommendation from a mom who learned the hard way: Don't do everything for the baby either! Make him pull his weight with the baby from the get-go or you will find yourself with a DH that has gotten in the habit of you taking care of everything baby related. It becomes much much more obvious if you have multiple children. Morning sickness and having a DH that "forgot" DD needs a diaper change first thing in the morning, or a bath more than once a week is a pain.
@benten24- I think there are a lot of men who are in for a rude awakening. I do the same thing you do- do the research so my husband does not have to do it. It's just been easier to do most of the heavy lifting because it's easier and frankly my husbands tolerance for being annoyed is nil. Especially during our IUI, I carried the entire burden and he just had to show up once a cycle for his portion.
I had an epiphany last night when I was putting away his laundry. In a few months, there is going to be a real baby who needs me, not a 33 year old man baby. He is going to have to learn how to donate his own clothes and put his laundry away because I'm going to be doing that for baby.
I reminded him again that he needs to get both a flu and whooping cough vaccine. He started bitching and I just cut him off and said just do it.
I think I have enabled/created a monster.
I would just add that whatever things you currently do around the house or for your SO which you expect him/her to help with or do after baby comes along, you will need to point out to your SO that this is something that they're going to have to help with or do for themselves in the near future, so enjoy it while it lasts. In fact, it might be good to sit down and really talk through both of your expectations on which responsibilities belong to whom. If your SO is anything like my husband, BELIEVE ME, it is not obvious to them. Before I had my son, my husband and I split things pretty much 50/50. We grocery shopped together, he cooked, and I did the dishes. He would take out the trash and do anything outside, and I cleaned the house/did laundry. For some reason, once I had my son, it's like a switch flipped, and my husband suddenly expected me to do everything. Maybe it's because I pretty much did do it all during maternity leave because I was home, and he got used to it, or maybe something actually did change in his head when he got his concussion during my first trimester. Either way, it has caused a lot of arguments, heartache and stress. I plan to sit down with him this time around and lay it all out, because with one child it was a challenge, but with two, I'm either going to have to quit my job to get everything he expects me to do done, or something's going to have to give.
WTF to my smallest duck. She slipped the fence and was in my neighbor's driveway. I had to go out front and walk her back. And I look like hell, let me tell ya.
WTF loneliness. My biggest complaint is how isolating pregnancy feels. Friends have disappeared. Work feels more awkward and strained. Even with my amazing husband who is as supportive as it's possible for him to be, I feel lonelier. We have always been 100% equal partners in all things, ignoring gender roles, writing off any differences as minutia, but I just feel so different and separate from him now. While I am enjoying pregnancy more now, I hate that I have to do it alone. I hate that my husband can only be a bystander and as much as I explain what's going on, he can't really understand it in more than an abstract way. And I hate that friends and co-workers are seemingly uncomfortable with pregnancy! Holy belly stares- and it's JUST showed up. I can only imagine the glances, stares, and double-takes getting worse. Hey I'm up here and I'd like to be invited to lunch or chat or hang out!!! Please don't look a me inquisitively and then not speak to me
How are you guys dealing with loneliness? Anyone feeling it?
I totally get feeling that seperation from your spouse. I feel the same way because we do have a daily reminder of our pregnancies and he doesn't really. He doesn't get what I am feeling.
I was lucky enough to be pregnant the same as three of my friends so I did have people to relate to. I did see some of my friends drop off a bit but I made a point of hanging out with them and letting them know I still wanted a friendship. I do still see those friends and my son just tags along on our outings. I try not to just talk about him the whole time and steer the conversation towards them.
I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. If you ever need to talk I am here
WTF loneliness. My biggest complaint is how isolating pregnancy feels. Friends have disappeared. Work feels more awkward and strained. Even with my amazing husband who is as supportive as it's possible for him to be, I feel lonelier. We have always been 100% equal partners in all things, ignoring gender roles, writing off any differences as minutia, but I just feel so different and separate from him now. While I am enjoying pregnancy more now, I hate that I have to do it alone. I hate that my husband can only be a bystander and as much as I explain what's going on, he can't really understand it in more than an abstract way. And I hate that friends and co-workers are seemingly uncomfortable with pregnancy! Holy belly stares- and it's JUST showed up. I can only imagine the glances, stares, and double-takes getting worse. Hey I'm up here and I'd like to be invited to lunch or chat or hang out!!! Please don't look a me inquisitively and then not speak to me
How are you guys dealing with loneliness? Anyone feeling it?
I'm already introverted so I haven't noticed as much, but what I've done is really pick up reading a lot. I have noticed I'm not included in things at much as I was but those are with the type of people that mostly had to drink to have a good time. Is there anyone you know that is pregnant? I bonded with her but now she has her son so it's back to just sitting and keeping busy. I know this forum has helped a lot with the lack on interaction.
@benten24 sorry about the reaction. Hopefully it's just nerves. My husband didn't cut the cord or watch below the waist at delivery. He was a great support though and actually took some really cool photos of the moment I pushed DD out and saw her for the first time (and then as a crying mess). He's an awesome dad with DD now, just not medically interested/comfortable with all the gory details. I had a great birth experience regardless. I hope this gives you hope!
WTF DD. Why are you waking up every two hours at night and want a cup. Eat your dinner and you wouldn't be hungry. You are 2 yrs old. You can sleep through the night..
@noelietrex I remember feeling this way especially with my first pregnancy because it is such a huge change. You are used to doing whatever you want/whenever you want including drinking/partying and all of a sudden it's different. You really have to let your friends know you still want to be included. I still went out with my friends even to the bar last time around (I enjoy being sober and people watching/making fun of drunks). As long as I still had a drink in my hand, be it a virgin Caesar or O'Doulls, I still felt included and the drunker your friends get, they forget youre not really drinking. Plus, everyone loves having a DD. There's no reason you can't still be invited for lunches/dinners etc, but you have to remember friends without kids don't always want to hear about babies. I try to ask them about their lives, and they ask about mine. We can still relate somewhere in the middle as long as you can both make time.
@noelietrex I've been feeling pretty isolated too. I think the fact that it's winter and I've been going to bed at 8 for the past three months hasn't helped, I feel like I haven't done anything social in forever. Now that it's past the holidays and I'm getting more energy I'm hoping I can reach out to the friends I've been missing and get together. I've also been feeling super disconnected from my husband because I've mostly want to lay around and try not to throw up/go to bed early. And it's got to be weird for him because while everything changed overnight in my body nothing has really changed outwardly for him. I'm super appreciative that he's been understanding and picking up the slack, but I miss feeling a part of the team. Fingers crossed that comes back with this trimester too.
Ladies with headaches everyday.. my Dr prescribed me to fioricet for mine. It works so fast and I don't have to take it everyday where as if I wasn't taking it I had to take something everyday. Idk if it's an option for everyone but my experience has been great with it!
Addison (DD) born 6/10/12 M/C 3/3/14 Due 10/8/14 Rainbow Koen (DS) born 7/9/16
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Thanks everyone for your support. Woke up and ugly cried over DH's nonsense. Glad I've got this board to reach out to. I think tonight DH and I are going to have a very serious conversation about how he can't say crap like that to me anymore. And that he needs to put his big boy undies on cause shit is about to get real.
Thanks you guys! I love this board. I wish we could all go have lunch and disagree about all the things in person. I don't really have a plan other than text friends and try not to mention anything about being pregnant and see if they'll hang out with me before my bedtime (9pm). And just try for extra cuddles with DH I guess, remembering that he probably feels as left out as I feel alone and uncool. Having pregnant friends would be amazing- I should go to people's houses and poke holes in their condoms! Or maybe just be more outgoing at prenatal classes... Glad to hear I'm not alone with feeling this way though. I don't know what I'd do without the BMB- feel like even more of a weirdo freak lol
@noelietrex I'm so sorry you're feeling that way! I definitely was lonely with my first. We were the first of our friends to have a kid and they stopped inviting us to anything! Both DH and I felt it. It sucked for a long time but as more friends had kids it changed. It's stupid that kid-less people think everything must change when someone has a child. We're still the same people!
I've been especially pissy lately, so I've been trying not to come here and be a total dick to everyone, but man did that repeat harmony thread just send me over the edge of b!tch canyon. I can't even.
I've been especially pissy lately, so I've been trying not to come here and be a total dick to everyone, but man did that repeat harmony thread just send me over the edge of b!tch canyon. I can't even.
Edit to add: B!tch Canyon visual, there I go.
I'm with you on the extra pissy lately. Like, 150% more than normal.
@noelietrex@bentenSorry you guys are having a rough time. I'm the exact opposite... I don't feel like conversing with anyone, at all. I'm also burnt out at work which is sucking the life force outta me.
What types of prenatal classes @noelietrex are you taking??? Did I miss the memo? Are there classes I should be taking?!!?
Wtf to the women who work at the front desk at my doctor's office. As soon as I walked up and handed this one my ID she turned to the woman next to her and rolled her eyes. Like hello??? I watched you do that. And I hadn't even opened my mouth yet so I don't understand why she did that. Even my doctor admitted everyone is working toward getting rid of them with complaints about their attitudes. THEN when I was leaving I stopped to schedule my next appointment in 4 weeks. My doctor assured me that even though they don't want to book it themselves they should .. NOPE they freakin refused and told me to call the appointment hotline, even after I insisted that the doctor told me her schedule is ready. They are so lazy and mean I can't stand it. AHHHH.
@chanfa Didn't realize you were Chinese also until I read your post. I assume you won't be doing the Chinese tradition of staying indoors for the first 30 days, post partum? I know a lot of people don't do it anymore but I did it with my first and while it was complete torture, it gave me a chance to have a lot of bonding time with the baby - just the two of us. I know - I'm so old skool!
Re: WTF Wednesday
July BMB May Signature Challenge
To make it worse, he refuses to learn anything about pregnancy or L&D. He has always relied on me being the take-charge type while he just sits back and enjoys the ride. He has zero interest in learning how to help me through my labor, and keeps saying he doesn't want to see the baby come out. He's practically the only support person I have in my entire life, let alone in L&D. I'm crushed by his lack of caring, and becoming so scared of the day LO decides to show up. I haven't felt this alone in a really long time, and I want to scratch his eyes out for acting like a jerk and leaving me feeling so helpless.
My WTF... My DS was born in Nov'14 and I asked my oldest sister to be the one to stay over and help at our house so we could get acquainted to having a new little member of the family in the house. Well apparently she has been mad at me for over a year now because she wanted to stay the whole week, but I only needed her on that first night (which I remember telling her before DS was born that it would probably just be that one night). She has been holding it against me since then and it all came to a head yesterday. UM..... crazy???? see I thought I was being nice by telling her... hey... we're doing good go get back to your life. But I guess not. And I would think she would be happy that I am doing so good that I don't need extra help.... but again... I guess not.
July BMB May Signature Challenge
He said he didn't want to cut the cord (which he wasn't able to do anyways.... but was really disappointed he couldn't in the end) and also said he didn't want to be anywhere near "down there" when it happened. Well he ended up holding one of the legs and saw DS's head (which IMO it would have been ok if he didn't look, cause I know some men really can't handle that), he was an excellent coach, and is an excellent father.
There is the saying though "women become mothers at conception, but men become fathers at birth" and that is SO very true for many men.
I stepped in mud in my work shoes this morning because DH just had to park the trailer across the gravel walkway last night and it was dark so I couldn't see the mud going out to the car.
That led to me griping at him because he had gotten in the car 5 minutes early and was just sitting there, waiting for me. And then I fumed the whole way to work, where I yelled at him and ugly cried because it was his fault (according to the hormones) there was mud on my shoe, I had no breakfast and no lunch (and no car) to take to work and I told him he was just a big inconsiderate meanie. I make sure he has a lunch to take and something to eat on the way for breakfast pretty much every day.
I fully realize that I'm being ridiculous and am responsible for feeding myself, but hormones.
I have to eat something every 2 hours or it's as if I'm starving. Actually, I just ate something maybe 45 minutes ago and my body is just saying
I'm off the BJ's to have a stuffed baked potato.
My WTF is for my mother. She was working with my husband to plan my surprise 30th birthday party. So DH went ahead and invited a bunch of my friends. Then when he told my mom my friends were confirmed, she said, "oh i'm sorry, I was drunk when I had that idea. I just can't get that day off of work." (she's the manager of said workplace.) Well, she didn't say it, she had my sister in law tell him that. My husband told me about all of this because he didn't know if he should go ahead with the party, as he had been uncertain about what I had wanted, and he was mad at my mom. (It was also supposed to be a joint party with my brother, so it would have involved a lot more planning.)
I said no, I don't want to, because it feels really shitty that I would have felt super loved on my birthday, and now I feel unworthy of love. In addition, she told my husband to only invite my friends with kids so we could have a park party. Which, with an 8 year old step son, and a LO on the way, I would have preferred an adult party for my 30th. I was thinking one night away with my husband, but we don't have anywhere for my step son to go.
This woman is why I'm in therapy. She worked through my childhood and now she'll work through my adulthood. Now I just feel depressed. I wish I could drink on my birthday.
I had an epiphany last night when I was putting away his laundry. In a few months, there is going to be a real baby who needs me, not a 33 year old man baby. He is going to have to learn how to donate his own clothes and put his laundry away because I'm going to be doing that for baby.
I reminded him again that he needs to get both a flu and whooping cough vaccine. He started bitching and I just cut him off and said just do it.
I think I have enabled/created a monster.
How are you guys dealing with loneliness? Anyone feeling it?
In our culture, we celebrate the first month birthday for a child but I am not comfortable with that due to so many people coming in contact with the baby. My DH's cousin had a baby last year and did bring her 30day old baby to Christmas but that is her decision. What she chose to do for her baby does not mean that I will do the same thing. She kept telling us that its just the family and when asked who is "just the family" she starts naming about 50 people. NO... just no, keep your dirty hands off of my baby. My parents are a little more relaxed in terms of that tradition and we are going to go for the more modern 100 day celebration which I am more comfortable with.
My baby, my rules. Sorry lady
Don't do everything for the baby either! Make him pull his weight with the baby from the get-go or you will find yourself with a DH that has gotten in the habit of you taking care of everything baby related. It becomes much much more obvious if you have multiple children. Morning sickness and having a DH that "forgot" DD needs a diaper change first thing in the morning, or a bath more than once a week is a pain.
July BMB May Signature Challenge
I was lucky enough to be pregnant the same as three of my friends so I did have people to relate to. I did see some of my friends drop off a bit but I made a point of hanging out with them and letting them know I still wanted a friendship. I do still see those friends and my son just tags along on our outings. I try not to just talk about him the whole time and steer the conversation towards them.
I am sorry you are feeling so lonely. If you ever need to talk I am here
Married: May 16th 2015
Edit:grammar.
Addison (DD) born 6/10/12
M/C 3/3/14 Due 10/8/14
Rainbow Koen (DS) born 7/9/16
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I think tonight DH and I are going to have a very serious conversation about how he can't say crap like that to me anymore. And that he needs to put his big boy undies on cause shit is about to get real.
Edit to add: B!tch Canyon visual, there I go.
@noelietrex @bentenSorry you guys are having a rough time. I'm the exact opposite... I don't feel like conversing with anyone, at all. I'm also burnt out at work which is sucking the life force outta me.
What types of prenatal classes @noelietrex are you taking??? Did I miss the memo? Are there classes I should be taking?!!?
Also, I can only handle so many "my vag is super funky right now, what should I do?
Edited to add: I don't really care cause I'll talk about vag's all day long, but get thee to a doctor and get a rx my dear friend