My 1st pregnancy, ending in a miscarriage.

llundy0118 · January 2016

I guess I'm trying to find some sort of relief, for someone to tell me how I feel is normal, for an unbiased opinion, and someone to tell me it's going to be okay (or someone to make me feel it will be okay). I found out on Christmas eve last week I was pregnant. I was so excited, so happy. I wasn't sure how far along I was, I assumed a few weeks. Something didn't feel right. I chauked it up to my anxiety that something will always go wrong. I kept taking tests to make sure I was still pregnant. I started spotting on Sunday, and went to the Er. They confirmed my pregnancy with a blood test except my hcg was 17 indicating a 5 day pregnancy.. My heart sank. Me and my husband hadn't had sex in almost two weeks. The Dr's tone changed completely.. She informed me I might be miscarrying. She told me to have my blood work repeated in 48 hours to see where my hcg levels were at. I called my doctor and set up a time, and stayed so anxious. I stayed home from work bawling all day Monday, I knew I was loosing this baby. Tuesday comes around, and I start gushing blood. So of course, called my doctor and back to the ER I went. My hcg was at 16. I was having a miscarriage, there wasn't anything anyone could do. I keep replaying that scene in my head over and over. My heart breaks every time. I feel like I shouldn't be upset, but then again I feel like I have to be upset all the time...i feel bad for laughing when I think something is funny, or smiling when I feel happiness. I can't stand being by myself, but I can't stand being around anyone else aswell. I'm so scared this will happen again, I'm scared to ttc. The physical pain was unbearable. I gushed so much blood the Dr had to wheel over a biohazard can to catch the blood when she checked my cervix. Is that normal? They never did an ultrasound... I didn't think that was right either. I was so out of words, I couldn't even say anything about an ultrasound. I'm still bleeding a lot, when does this stop?!

MRSCORKER · January 2016

I'm so so sorry for your loss. What you're feeling is completely normal and if you hang around here, you'll find that many of us have been where you are. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will get easier and you will get back to TTC when you're ready. There may always be some anxiety there but this pregnancy has no bearing on your ability to have a healthy pregnancy in the future. There are other boards on TB for MC/loss, TTCAL and PAL when you get to that point again. You might find some comfort and advice there. Please take care of yourself. Sending you hugs.

ETA: Sorry for my siggy gif. It's not appropriate here.

mrsdee15 · January 2016

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Definitely check out the loss boards, and please treat yourself kindly. I am sure you'll find a very supportive group here.

ETA: I've never been pregnant, so I am sorry I don't have more insight, but I am sending my internet hugs.

Itsnotyourturn · January 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss.

PeggyOlsonFTW · January 2016

Sorry for your loss. The bleeding is different for everyone. With both of my losses (d&c and natural) I bled about 5-6 days. Heavy at first, then tapering off. With the d&c, I had a follow up appointment with a pelvic exam about two weeks after the procedure and with my natural loss, my doctor followed my hcg down to 3 and then I had a follow up appointment for questions about three weeks later.

Tippy05 · January 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. After my MC I bled A LOT, for almost 2 full weeks. You will feel every emotion possible and that's ok. There is no "right" way to feel and there is no timeline for your grief. Know that it will get better with time (even though it doesn't feel like it now) and know that we're all here when you're ready. ((hugs))

sammajane19 · January 2016

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Things will get better with time. 2016 is a new year...full of possibilities and hope. Be kind to yourself!

PugsandKisses · January 2016

I am sorry for your loss. Remember, you could not have stopped or prevented this. Nor 'going on' means that you have gotten this child. You are allow to cry, be angry, hurt and sad. But you are also allow to smile and laugh.

As for the U/s. There isn't much to see before 6 weeks. Even with the blood loss.

MrsDho11 · January 2016

I'm sorry for your loss.

gardeniagirlknits · January 2016

I am so so incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish you the very best this new year. I hope that your heart finds peace. I cannot relate to your loss, I've never had one... But when I fought cancer I remember feeling guilty for smiling, laughing or at all being happy because during my treatment... I know it's not the same but I totally get trying to figure out where you fit in this crazy mess of a world. Internet hugs. Please join us on this board, we welcome you... It has really helped me on this journey and I hope it helps you too. More creepy Internet hugs. Here's to a better year next year.

ducks6 · January 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been where you are now. I've had 3 losses in the past year. You should know that they are not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about. EVERY feeling you have is valid and ok. It will get easier. Don't worry about TTC yet if you don't want to. Start that when you are ready. I hope you stick around and find support here when you're ready. The ladies here are awesome!

joyful08 · January 2016

Hello, I am so sorry for your loss. I also recently miscarried my first pregnancy. On Friday, November 13th at almost 7 weeks. I completely understand when you say you feel like you shouldn't be upset since you weren't far along. I felt the same way and I also had a blighted ovum which is where the fetus itself never forms. So sometimes I felt like I had no right being so heart broken when a) I wasn't that far along and b) there was technically no baby in there.

I had a natural miscarriage and bled heavy for 6 days and then spotted for 2. Also my next period was heavier and had bigger chunks of tissue than my typical period.

It was definitely hard emotionally for me but each day you will get stronger and stronger. Never forgetting what happened but feeling the pain less and less. I'll be okay for a few days and then just something will trigger me and I'll start crying. But you can get through it. And you did nothing wrong to cause this. I was very surprised to find out how common miscarriages are and I have found a lot of comfort in this board (we never told anyone I was pregnant or miscarried).

I hope you will find comfort here knowing you are not alone and you can make it through this painful time.

H4aPartyof5 · January 2016

So sorry for your loss.

AmMcc12 · January 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also recently had a miscarriage (12/20) What you are (and are not) feeling is completely normal. Take care of yourself and PM me if you need to talk.

izza2 · January 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. Remember that this is not your fault; do not feel that it is.
You are so completely welcome here, but you may find that you're interested in the Loss boards as well; I suggest checking them out and introducing yourself there as well.

itsmehere1212 · January 2016

I am very sorry for your loss. I have been there too. You take whatever time you need and take care of yourself however that looks to you.

TheBorg7of9 · January 2016

I'm sorry for your loss. I myself have had two miscarriages. And I've also had to healthy pregnancies. It's really hard when your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage. I also just wanted you to know that it would be normal not to do an ultrasound since your hCG was so low. They wouldn't be able to see anything anyway.

ashleyluxe · January 2016

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I also had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in December. (Started getting worried and spotting 12/11 but I am pretty sure I actually miscarried on 12/15.) I was 5 weeks along. Since then I have went through every emotion and my mood can change at the drop of a hat. I think it's normal and completely a part of the healing process. I bled for about 13 days. The boards here are definitely a great resource for support. Lean on your husband as well. I know mine has been my rock over the past few weeks and I do not know what I would have done without him. The way I've tried to comfort myself is to remind myself that this is very common and it was nothing I had done. We are going to try again after this cycle but only because we both feel like we're ready and we've been given the okay from my doctor. If you are too anxious I would say to wait until you're ready to try again. Read a book, have a tea, talk with a friend. Be kind to yourself because you deserve to be happy.

If you ever need to talk, please PM me. Sending hugs!

WinchesterGirl · January 2016

Hi there, I just also wanted to chime in and say I'm sorry for your loss, and we had a miscarriage right at Christmas. You are not alone! I think as PPs have said, the bleeding differs for everyone. I'm still bleeding, but it's been slow and drawn out.

NovaSaysNo · January 2016

I am so sorry for your loss. It's okay to feel the way you feel (basically everything PP have said). Sending you hugs.

TreatYoSelf · January 2016

llundy0118 said:

I can't stand being by myself, but I can't stand being around anyone else aswell. I'm so scared this will happen again, I'm scared to ttc

I'm so sorry for your loss. This really resonated with me. I had such similar feelings after my mc. I know it seems trite, but time really does heal - both physically and emotionally. Try not to rush yourself. Just address things as you're ready. I hope you stick around. There are some wonderfully supportive women on these boards. Hang in there.

cjt121413 · January 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had an m/c at 8 weeks in November, and I relate with everything you're feeling. I think the whole range of emotions is normal. Everything WILL be okay. It does seem to get easier with time.

Heavy bleeding is normal. With my loss, I bleed heavily for over a month and my doc said it was normal.

TTC when you're ready. I completely understand being scared about it - I am too.

Welcome to this board. I hope it brings some comfort. The MC/pregnancy loss board is also comforting.

skiingstark · January 2016

Sorry for your loss.
I had my MC in Oct at 10 weeks. What I did to help me get through it, is distraction. I found if I was busy I did not have is much time to dwell and think on it. That works for me, but that is not a good strategy for everyone. I went on quick trip to Universal to see the new HP area, that really helped. I also found opening up to other woman family and friends helped. I found out soo many of them had mc too. With time it does get better, but there is still a sadness when I see all the baby pics on my facebook or when I saw a pregent lady at Star wars movie, thinking that should be me. I drink a lot and that helps too. But yeah I understand what you are going through.

I had D&C and I bled for 2 weeks. They did a ultrasound with me but that is because I was farther along. When you are in the early weeks there is not much they can see, if it makes you feel any better they did not show me the ultrasound even though they did it with me, so even if they did it, you may not have seen it.

PeggyOlsonFTW · January 2016

Chalk this up to PMS or my rough morning or whatever, but am I the only one who's peeved that so many people took the time to offer condolences, type out thoughtful responses and share their experience and OP hasn't come back to say so much as "thank you" to anybody?

llundy0118 · January 2016

Maybe it was too painful to come back until today? Ever think of that? Jesus, people really feel that it's okay to complain because someone didn't day "thank you" fast enough. I pray for you my dear....

llundy0118 · January 2016

I want to say thank you to everyone's responses and stories. It means alot that complete strangers are so compassionate! However, I'm not going to apologize for taking so long to get back and respond...because it's what I had to do emotionally. It was too painful talking to anyone except my husband for a while. Also it took me a while to find this post because I had no idea how to go back and look for it. However, here's an Update to the kind people from this post, I had a check up ultrasound last week and everything looked fine. The doctors confirmed I was about to ovulate. I'm feeling much better emotionally. I have days where I'm upset, but days where I'm thankful I was pregnant.. Even for just a short time.

LadyMillil · January 2016

llundy0118 said:

Maybe it was too painful to come back until today? Ever think of that? Jesus, people really feel that it's okay to complain because someone didn't day "thank you" fast enough. I pray for you my dear....

Posting and ghosting is quite rude to the posters that took the time to write out thoughtful replies to your OP.

PeggyOlsonFTW · January 2016

llundy0118 said:

Maybe it was too painful to come back until today? Ever think of that? Jesus, people really feel that it's okay to complain because someone didn't day "thank you" fast enough. I pray for you my dear....

Are you talking to me? It's painful for me to write about and share my experiences too you know. I didn't have to answer you, nor did anyone else, but we did because this is a supportive community.

Like @LadyMillil said, It's rude to post and run.

ETA: if it was too painful to discuss until today, why did you come to a discussion board? This isn't a diary.

llundy0118 · January 2016

I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

TheBorg7of9 · January 2016

Pretty self centered. Most everyone else who posted has also had a miscarriage and still managed to respond to people who took their time and energy to try to comfort them. I've had two miscarriages, yet I was still able to type...

TheBorg7of9 · January 2016

llundy0118 said:
I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

Qfp

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

llundy0118 said:
I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

You know, I'm very sorry you are having a hard time. Self-care is extremely important, but it doesn't given you carte-Blanche to use people & act as if your feelings are more important than others' here.

Just because we choose to give support & interact here on the regular doesn't make our time, feelings or anything less valuable than yours. It's really really unpleasant to see folks give you heart-felt advice & welcome then to see you essentially take a dump on them in the very same post.

Often folks "post and ghost". It's not a good way to show others' support (or reciprocity-- a good human value) to disappear after you got what you needed. This makes it sound like you are just out to take & not give back.

If you aren't in a position to support others (and that happens) then simply thanking people is all you need to do. Then move on. Throwing this self-centered tantrum is not necessary.

Really, don't insult us just because we give support on the internet.

PrimRoseMama · January 2016

And did you really just ask for our help re: follicle size after insulting us for being available to answer questions & note responses?

PeggyOlsonFTW · January 2016

llundy0118 said:
I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

You wouldn't walk into a crowd of people, ask a question and then leave, would you? That's what you did here.

If you just want a place to reflect on your own feelings and experiences, get a diary or journal. You're probably right in saying that a forum is not for you, since you don't seem to be into the give and take atmosphere here, just the take.

ETA: words on mobile are hard!

babymish · January 2016

I'm really glad you decided that forum life is probably not for you and I would definitely agree with that.

mommygrams0730 · January 2016

babymish said:
I'm really glad you decided that forum life is probably not for you and I would definitely agree with that.

She must have changed her mind because she's posting and responding no problem now.

NamelessAria · January 2016

@llundy0118 said:

I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

Yes it is absolutely true that your feelings on your miscarriage come before the feelings of others on your miscarriage.

However, the ladies who are sharing their experiences with you have been through the same horrible, soul-crushing pain that you're going through now. And when we share our experiences with you, we relive some of that pain in the hopes that it will help you. So for you to respond in such a manner is a little selfish and rude. There are many other much more polite ways you could have responded. Like "I'm sorry that I haven't gotten back to everyone yet. Being on the forum has just been a little too much for me at times and I needed the break." or something like that.

I know a miscarriage leaves you feeling adrift in an ocean of grief and pain. I know what it's like to feel like you desperately need someone to give you some encouragement and support. Feeling like you won't make it without a shoulder to cry on. And feeling so alone because miscarriage isn't normally discussed with friends and family. I know how how a miscarriage can leave you feeling conflicted. Being around people can just be too much. When something brings you some joy or happiness it can leave you feeling guilty.

Do what you need to do to grieve and heal, both physically and emotionally. There is also a board here for miscarriage/pregnancy loss that may be helpful. And a TTC after loss board. And, of course, you're always welcome here. I'd suggest trying your best to be polite to the ladies who are trying to be helpful even though I know it can be hard when you're so lost in grief.

joyful08 · January 2016

Responding to you in this post was the only time I've talked about my miscarriage. So yeah I definitely felt like I put my heart out there for nothing. I would have rather just not have had to relive it while typing to you.

hlvonb · January 2016

llundy0118 said:

I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

1. This comes off as pretty self-centered.
2. Don't post something on a forum and expect people to not get a bit upset when you disappear. If you weren't ready to check back and say thank you (which takes 3 seconds to type) then you should have posted in a journal or diary until you felt like you could be more active on your post.
3. I agree a forum is not the best place for you.

NamelessAria · January 2016

@hlvonb said:

llundy0118 said:

I'm not going to be on the look out for everyone else's feelings... when I didn't know how to control my own. I was searching for ways to cope. Thought I'd try a forum. The emotions I've felt are normal, and 100% okay. I refuse to feel bad for not getting back to respond "thank you" quick enough. What is it exactly that you do in life, where you have enough time to sit around and record how long it takes someone to give "atta boys" on a post? Like I said, It was nice hearing other experiences. But the forum life is probably not for me... Since I think my feelings about my own miscarriage come before those who are volunteering their experiences.

1. This comes off as pretty self-centered.
2. Don't post something on a forum and expect people to not get a bit upset when you disappear. If you weren't ready to check back and say thank you (which takes 3 seconds to type) then you should have posted in a journal or diary until you felt like you could be more active on your post.
3. I agree a forum is not the best place for you.

Yes this.

Also, if you have time to make a completely new post asking us questions about follicle sizes and such then you actually do have time to thank people for their responses. You weren't too upset or too busy to post a new thread soooo...

httpwwwawesomelyluvviecomwp-contentuploads201310Just-sayinggif

llundy0118 · January 2016

Look, I'm a very respectful person until someone is disrespectful to me. The other thread I created, was after I had responded to this one. AFTER I had the mental stability to talk about this all over again. I thought it was extremely rude that someone would leave a hateful response - on a thread where people are supposed to be uplifting- because I didn't respond fast enough. I also have a fulltime job (well, more than full time) that I indulged in, to get my mind off of everything happening to me. Which took up majority of my free time. The "rude" comments, we're intended for one person only. Everyone else that was kind and gave me support, I appreciate. It helped me out this morning when I started feeling a little antsy.

There's no possible way to make everyone on the Internet happy. Like I've said before, I'm not apologizing or feeling guilty for taking a few weeks to respond, because it's what I had to do for me emotionally. There wasn't anyway for me to predict how I was going to feel with the swirling wind storm of emotions. One minute I wanted to talk to people and get my feelings out there... The next minute I shut everyone out. I explained that in my original post, so you all had a warning that I wasn't dependable at the time. Again, the other thread I made, was made TODAY. THE DAY I DECIDED I WAS READY TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN.

I'm the farthest thing from "self centered." but in this situation, yes I have been self centered, because I had to (some what) heal emotionally. At the time I didn't care what others had to say, because I needed to feel my emotions on my own. I thought a thread would be the best way to deal, but in this situation it wasn't. I've handled this completely different than I have anything else in my life. If you judge me for that, then that's fine, you all are complete strangers that don't even know my name. Think what you want, but I'm not wrong here.

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My 1st pregnancy, ending in a miscarriage.

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