- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
July 2016 Moms
PinkLady2015
member
Family members and L&D
PinkLady2015
member
So this is obviously a ways away... But what are everyone's plans for allowing visitors (family and friends) for labor/delivery/recovery.
We told my parents on Xmas and I talked to my dad the next day and he mentioned that my mom is already under the impression she will fly out here (we're west coast/she's in NY) for the birth and stay for x amount of time.
I literally laughed out loud at the absurdity (my mother and I have a strained relationship as she is a raging narcissist) but now it's giving me major anxiety just thinking about it. Especially on how I'm going to break it to her that there's no way in hell thats happening.
My thought process was for her to come out a few weeks after delivering to give us some time to get into a routine and for me to recover a bit.
My mom doesn't cook or clean and I feel like she would think she gets to hold the baby and take care of baby while I cooked and cleaned, not the other way around.
What's everyone else going to tell friends and family, especially STM's who have been there before.
We told my parents on Xmas and I talked to my dad the next day and he mentioned that my mom is already under the impression she will fly out here (we're west coast/she's in NY) for the birth and stay for x amount of time.
I literally laughed out loud at the absurdity (my mother and I have a strained relationship as she is a raging narcissist) but now it's giving me major anxiety just thinking about it. Especially on how I'm going to break it to her that there's no way in hell thats happening.
My thought process was for her to come out a few weeks after delivering to give us some time to get into a routine and for me to recover a bit.
My mom doesn't cook or clean and I feel like she would think she gets to hold the baby and take care of baby while I cooked and cleaned, not the other way around.
What's everyone else going to tell friends and family, especially STM's who have been there before.
Re: Family members and L&D
My mother lives with me. She is partially disabled but is still is a big help.
As for the labor part, with my 1st, it was my sister my mom and my DH. For the C/S, it was DH. My 2nd, it was DH in the OR and my sister and my mom were on child duty in the waiting room. It will be the same for this one.
I would just be very firm and say "we were thinking you could come out a few weeks after so we could enjoy our time with you" or something to that effect. The benefit of her living that far away is you have no idea when you will go into labor so unless she plans on coming at least a week before your EDD, there's no way for sure she will be there.
Also if she is not helpful, there is no way I'd let her stay in your house. Make her get a hotel. I can't imagine anything worse than having house guests after having a kid.
With DS, I had MIL in the room because she is calm and encouraging. I would never let my own mom in because she stresses me out. I think my best friend will be in the delivery room this time, which I'm already nervous about that decision. I think ideally it would be just me and DH.
As far as after, I would love my mom (or sister) to come for a few weeks to help cook/clean and play with DS.
Also, I loved having visitors at the hospital the day after the birth, but ours were all polite and didn't overstay their welcome and checked before coming. To each their own though, some people do not want anyone to visit and that's okay too. Just be firm with people on your decision!
Then after delivery we waited to let anyone back to the room until I could breastfeed and give her a little time for us to figure it out. So, it was about 45 mins after delivery when we had family come back.
Do what you are comfortable with. And if anyone gets upset, I told them....they weren't there when baby was conceived what makes them think they need to be for delivery
I recommend only people you enjoy AND are helpful staying with you during/shortly after.
I also recommend having most people visit while you are in the hospital,just not right away (a few hrs at least)! People tend to not over stay their welcome in a hospital room, but might in your home. With my giant family, it was nice to get it out of the way and not worry about visits as much once we got home.
It was amazing having that time with our DD without visitors for that first night. We got some sleep and a jump start on breastfeeding and learning how to have out own newborn!
I'd rather the in-laws wait a few weeks, but ultimately that's not a huge concern for me so I'll let them know my preference and let them decide. Mostly I'm concerned about balancing dad/step-mom and mom (bad divorce years ago - still not over it). No idea what I'm going to do about that yet.
As far as L&D - everyone needs to fly (or drive 12 hours) so I'll probably just tell them when we head in and not worry about it.
Everyone will just have to live with your decisions. Be kind, but do not be pushed into doing anything you don't want to do!
This time around, I'm sticking to my guns and not letting them know we're at the hospital until well after baby has arrived. That was our original plan, but once DH called out of work he didn't want his boss's wife to say something to his mom and her find out that way.
MIL and I had had conversations about how I did not want her in the room prior to me going into labor so it isn't like she didn't know my wishes.
A friend of mine will be taking DD when I go into labor and either keeping her at the hospital or taking her home with her depending on how I'm progressing.
With DD, it was a nightmare. His whole family came in literally 30 mins after delivery. I was still covered in blood, with a bag of ice on my crotch with 10 of my least favorite people ruining what should have been precious bonding time. DH and I had a huge fight over it later bc I told him I wanted time to bond with my baby and didn't want them to visit until the next day but he told them we were at the hospital not thinking they would drive the 2 hours.
Thankfully, no one stayed with us. I may have my mom stay for a week this time bc she is my hero and would help with DD and whatever I ask her to. During delivery, I will have DH and my mom. I just have no idea what to do with DD bc the only people that have ever watched her will be in that room!
With my first, the only people that knew we were going into the hospital were my IL's. We have a great relationship with them, they know how to respect our boundaries, and they were in charge of the dog. We even went in unlisted, because we didn't want several people possibly hearing about it and then showing up after we were very firm that we didn't want anyone there. I kind of got hit with the whammy that my grandmother had a layover in our state, so she decided to stay so she could meet her first great-grandkid. She stayed for 15 days, and still no baby, I was getting induced on Saturday night and they were leaving Sunday morning at 6am. I caved and told MH he could tell my sister, and she could give them the news when she felt like it was time, so they could hold back leaving and she could meet her great-grandchild. I didn't want them to leave, and then there being the possibility that something happened and my grandma never got to meet DD.
Well my sister opened her big mouth early (even though she knows how crazy my mom, grandma and aunt are), I was in labor for 28 hours and then had an emergency c-section. MH sent them a message and said that the baby was here, and that he would send them a text when we were in our room and settled, but to hold tight until then. When I was in recovery, I had a nurse come in and inform me that there were three people waiting for me. It was 2:30am, I was exhausted, I was drugged because I could feel the c-seciton, and I was pissed that they couldn't listen to simple instructions. I was moved into my room, and it would have been nice if they would have just held DD, maybe snapped a few pictures, and left. Instead, they wanted to do 4th generation pictures when I couldn't even keep my eyes open. And then, they felt the need to show everyone the pictures when I look like I was hit by a semi-truck. And then my mom felt the need to be there every.single.day. I was there for five days total, and one of the days we didn't allow anyone to come into the room because we were so exhausted. The other days, we let close friends and family members come in and visit for a little bit.
I still get crap because of the fact that I didn't let my mom into the delivery room, and DD is four years old. I didn't want her in there because she is a nervous-nilly, she is stressful, and we aren't close emotionally so I don't look to her for any type of comfort. The only person that was there for the whole labor/delivery process, was my husband. And it isn't just crap from my mom, her friend and her side of the family still talk about how it was selfish that I didn't let her be in there. Do I regret my decision on not having her in there? Nope. And I will always regret letting my sister tell them that I was there in the first place, but I think that I would have regretted my grandma not meeting her great-grandkid more...so I try and look past that.
This labor/delivery, it will still just be my husband. I won't be at the hospital where I delivered DD, because my insurance switched hospitals where they have their contract. The hospital where I would deliver this one, is literally 2min from my parents house, which is not good when it comes to my mom. So I am actually going to go to another hospital on the network, that is 45min away from my parents house (in another state), not just to be further away from my mom, but because they do "family-centered gentle cesareans".
When it comes to staying with us after baby is born, that won't be happening. My IL's live next to us and are awesome help, but know when to keep their distance and give us privacy. My parents live 10-15min away, so if they want to stop by, that is fine. But we don't want anyone staying with us, and we have no issues telling people when we don't want visitors.
This time around, I will be much more proactive about things. We won't call family until I am much further along in labor. You can tell hospital staff who is allowed in the room and they will handle visitors. Put a do not disturb on the phone in your room. Turn off your cell or block certain numbers.
As for coming home from the hospital, I would absolutely say no overnight visitors. We especially want to give DD a time to adjust to the new baby so we are even going to limit visit lengths for our parents.
I actually went to a therapist after DD was born, mostly for PPD, but these issues as well. She made the interesting point that my mom will be pissed off and offended by something so I may as well be getting what I want.
It's definitely not easy. Just remember that your priority now is your family- You, DH, and baby.
Have you already told your mother the due date? I've heard of people giving a due date of 1-2 weeks later to avoid the constant questioning towards the end.
With my DS, we didn't tell anyone except our pet sitter I was being induced. Thankfully so, because it was 24+ hours before he was born via c-section. I think I would have been so stressed knowing people were driving to meet the baby. We didn't call anyone until the next day (evening birth) and it was awesome to have the time just to ourselves. We had limited visitors after.
With this baby, we will likely only tell the person that will be watching DS. Everyone else will know after baby has arrived. If I have RCS, DS will be only visitor on day of birth. The rest can come the next day, or after home.
Good luck!
With DD my family lived about an hour away. My sister kept DS and my parents drove up once I knew I was getting admitted. My mom and sister stayed the whole time but waiting in the waiting room while pushing. They came in and saw the baby for a minute then left. My parents had to leave the next day and apparently my MIL assumed my mom would stay. Therefore she booked a flight and surprised us. She stayed a week and slept on the floor in the kids room. She also didn't have a car, so I had to sit in the back seat of my tiny car with two car seats. Also DH went back to work, so I had to entertain her. Ugh I don't really get along with MIL so I hated it. This time my mom is going to come up (about 5 hour drive) and watch the kids and stay a week or so. She is suppose to go on a family vacation when I'm 38 weeks pregnant so hopefully baby come before or after. I told DH that MIL can come late July and stay in a hotel.. Let's see if that happens.
I unfortunately avoided the question a bit with my mom. At the time we were at an ok place in our relationship and didn't want to hurt her telling her I didn't want her to be around when I was in labor or soon after delivery. She bought tickets for 3 days before edd (without consulting me) thinking I would deliver late and she would definitely make it. I think I willed the baby out literally the day before. She also invited herself to stay with us even though at the time we were living with my dad (they are divorced). She usually is the type to help out and clean and cook, but she didn't help at all. She was always just sitting around bored like we were supposed to be entertaining her. All she wanted to do was hold the baby, especially for the few times the baby was awake in the first days she would demand to take her. When my baby was a few days old we did pumpkin carving and didn't get a chance to clean the floor that night. She then criticized my husband first thing in the morning, telling him he needs to pull his weight and a bunch of crap. Eventually we got into a fight when I kept just going to my room to feed/ bond with the baby.
The next time I told her I did not want her there for DD2s birth. She flew out anyway and arranged to stay with relatives in the area. Came to the hospital as soon as she found out the day after and came to our house uninvited and unannounced several times.
This time trying to hide the pregnancy from her as long as possible. She is going to be in the country around that time, so I'm hoping she doesn't decide to visit uninvited anyway.
TL, DR it depends how crazy your relatives are, but go with your gut and don't feel like you owe anyone anything.
@PinkLady2015 Your mom and my mom must be twins. My mother was the source of a lot of stress when I was pregnant with DD, from judging my choice to see a midwife instead of an ob, to flipping her lid when I told her nobody but DH would be with me during labor. It worked out in the end, because I was past my due date I had an induction, and we explained to family that it could be a long process and didn't want anyone waiting at the hospital. In the end everyone was fine with it, and were happy once DD was here.
We did not have any help at the house after DD was born, and DH ended up going to work 4 days after her birth. I survived, and I'm even more prepared this time around. The only person I would feel comfortable having here for any length of time to help would be my sister, she's the only one that wouldn't bring drama to the house, she would actually help, and DH and I both get along no problem with her. Any other family member here for an extended period (I mean more than a few hours) DH and I would probably have an issue with.
I am all about the privacy. With DD, DH and I snuck in and had her without anyone knowing. Our parents got a call that she was here as they are local and they came into visit the evening we had her. This time someone will need to watch DD, so my parents will know when I'm in labour, but everyone else gets a call after she's born.
I totally agree about not taking any chances with ILs. Especially when they already had a chance and disregarded your wishes.
We live in the same state as them now. We'll still have just the two of us at the birth, but we'll have visitors to the hospital this time, especially bc one of them will be watching DS.
I have no idea if we will want help when we first get home. MIL and FIL are local so it will be easy for them to come and go and I think we may ask them to care for our dog and cat while we're at the hospital. My parents are about 2.5 hours away so I wouldn't be surprised if my mom stays for a few days. I'm really close with my mom and MIL and they are both so nurturing so I think will be helpful.
I have a history of depression so PPD is a very big concern of mine and I want my DH, mom and MIL around to support me and encourage me to get support if needed.
Married: October 2014
TTC #1 since September 2015
I want my DH in the actual labor, and I want my mom with me most of the time. Maybe not during labor if I end up delivering vaginally- who knows. We are very close and she's a nurse, and I trust that she'll make sure everyone's doing everything right.
BIL was going to school in NYC (we were in Long Island) and he got on a train immediately when DH texted to say we were sent to hospital. Ugh... inductions take hours upon hours. I got there at lunch time and had DD at 5:50am the next morning. BIL stayed at the hospital the whole time/slept in the visitor's lounge, etc. At one point DD's vitals dropped and I had to get on hands/knees and wear an oxygen mask, obviously not wearing anything underneath the gown... doctors rushing in and blocking the doorway so DH pushed BIL into the on-suite bathroom. LOL!
My mom booked a plane ticket from FL to NY IMMEDIATELY and made it in time for everything. I was not expecting that. Although DH and I had discussed it being justthe two of us, we never made her leave the room. I felt more comfortable because she's a RN (and has six kids), however DH later told me he felt pushed out of the way between the actual L&D nurse and my mom. {My mom also made things awkward when I just wanted to rest/labor and she was complaining about "illegals" not paying for healthcare with the nurse on staff. That wasn't in the birth plan. LOL!}
This time, we live in the same town as mom, my aunt, my brother & SIL (and their 3 kids), as well as 2 younger siblings, and friends of ours. DH has the kind of job where I can anticipate his co-workers will want to come. I work at the hospital where I'll be delivering. I have a feeling we're going to need to put up some firm boundaries this time.
For sure, nobody in the room except me and DH during L&D. Someone will need to watch DD, and that's honestly the only thing keeping me from keeping our departure to the hospital a total secret :P Everyone in my & DH's family are heavy into social media because we're spread across the country. Our birthday ground rules will also need to include a social media blackout until we post something ourselves. For myself and DH, I'm going to hide our cell phones because honestly, the incessant texts and notifications asking for updates will be annoying (if the news gets out, which I sincerely hope it doesn't). This is stressing me out now. Ugh.
Everyone else just sort of trickled in to visit after the birth and I was pretty much knocked out while they were there.
Afterwards, my MIL and sister came over to the house a few times to see the baby and help me out a little.
I think this time, it will just be my husband in the room and maybe my sister. Whoever comes to visit will just have to deal with me sleeping again. But, I know for sure that I will need help at home so I bet my MIL does that again. It really makes a difference if you actually enjoy their company because it is a highly stressful time and dealing with people that irk you will only make it more stressful. Be firm and clear on what you want.
July BMB May Signature Challenge
My SIL has my brother, her mom, and my mom in the room. She doesn't care if the whole extended family descends on her house in her post-partum period. It works for her.
I have just DH in the room with me. With DD my parents came a few days after the birth and I'll invite them again because they were incredibly helpful. My mom scrubbed my floors, cleaned my fridge and bathroom, cooked, took DD in the morning after her feed to give me more sleep, and never ever baby hogged. I felt comfortable breastfeeding in front of my parents in the early days when you can't really hide much. MIL or my parents will stay with DD while I have my c-section - currently undecided as I'm trying to decide if I want my parents there right after the birth or to come a week or so later after DH goes back to work (MIL lives the next town over and could come for a few days while I'm in hospital).
Because of my traumatic experience last time I do not plan for anyone to know ANYTHING about the baby, including phone call or text notification that it has been born, until I'm fully in recovery and holding him/her. All family will be asked to stay away from the hospital until we call them and ask them to come. Last time DH called everyone, but I didn't get to meet DD until 17 hours after her birth, by which point MIL had already announced all her details on facebook, including her name. (disclaimer: MIL is actually really wonderful and would be devastated to know it hurt me - probably a fail on my part but I never told her and don't plan to. I just plan to not tell anyone anything until I'm ready for it to be posted. They all know my traumatic experience last time so I don't foresee any push back or complaints coming).
MIL or my mom and dad will stay with DD (undecided yet if we want my parents to be here right at birth or come a week later). Both are super helpful and will cook/clean and play with DD while I get breastfeeding established and rest. Other visitors will have to wait or stay in a hotel, including FIL and SMIL, who are fine but don't take it upon themselves to cook and clean or keep DD busy, and I don't have time to be a host after I deliver a baby.
Once I was at 10cm, everyone left the room but my mom. DH doesn't like seeing me in a medical setting at all. In fact, at my first prenatal appointment, when my OB was checking me to make sure my cervix was closed, DH excused himself from the room and promptly passed out in the hall. We opened the door to see him completely laid out, unconscious. Luckily my doctor's office is connected to the hospital, so paramedics arrived quickly on the scene and took him over to the ER. He was in the ICU with a concussion for several days afterwards. SO, safe to say, he will never be my delivery buddy. It makes me a little sad that he can't share in the experience with me, but we know his limitations and with everything else going on during that time, nobody needs to be passing out and getting concussions. It was also fun to have my mom as my birthing partner. My OB is also my mom's doctor, and she delivered me. Right around the time I had DS, my OB's daughter joined her practice. So it was kind of neat to have two generations of mothers/doctors in the room.
After I was all cleaned up, DH, my dad and my MIL came back in the room, but once I was moved up to my regular hospital room, everyone left for the evening so it was just DH, me and our new baby. Other than parents and siblings, we really had no visitors, which was fine.
The part of my experience that I'd like to change this time around, but not sure if I'll be successful - my MIL took the week off after DS was born. She lives about an hour away, so she invited herself to stay with us. (Maybe DH invited her, but he has never let on that he did.) I had asked DH if she could wait a week, because I had wanted MY mom to help me my first week at home, and it would be nice to spread out help over as much time as possible. But, he said that MIL's feelings would be hurt. Out of respect for MIL, my mom then only came by my house once the first week I was home for like an hour. I just pushed an 8-1/2 pound baby out of my vag, and I wanted my mommy! So, not having her around was what I missed out on most. MIL was helpful while she was there - it was just the fact that she invited herself which soured the experience for me.
So... my advice would be to stand your ground and set your boundaries. Everyone was respectful of our wishes for L&D... we just wimped out on enforcing after DS came home.
I had my mom, future MIL, and fiance in the room. The time it'll probably be me and the fiance since I don't speak with my mother and MIL will have DD. We live with MIL so she's always been a big help with everything.
Tell people no. It's easier than you think
Ultimately I agreed with DH and my mom, and decided having DH be the only person in the room was right for us, BUT if I had felt like DH wouldn't be able to support me the way I needed, I may have come to a different decision. My brother struggles a little with medical procedures (has fainted before) which is one of the reasons SIL has her mom and my mom in the room. That way my brother can go and sit or take a breather if he starts to feel light headed and SIL still has support.
July BMB May Signature Challenge