@parsonsperson I expected to nurse for a year too. I remember when she turned 1 month I was like "yes! I'm 1/12th of the way done with this shit!" But now my daughter's 20 months and I see no end in sight, even as hard as it has been at times to breastfeed while pregnant. It's so much easier once it's just a few times a day that it's more pleasant than tedious.
Totally a personal decision. I've known who have decided to breastfeed for a short amount of time or even to at least over 3 years. I was able to breastfeed DD for a little over 6 months before she weaned herself.
2 angel babies to watch over us- bfp 3/16/13, c/p 3/27/13- bfp 6/27/13, c/p confirmed 7/4/13- We will always carry you in our hearts
I find it interesting that if allowed, most children will self-wearn at 3, 4, 5 years of age. My son LOVED nursing and we did a great job of it together, but right around a year, he was totally done. I would have let him go on as long as he had liked (and often thought he would go on forever), but he just lost interest.
This exactly! This is also what my pediatrician said. We nursed for 22 months and weaning was harder for me than DS. So glad I didn't wait till 2 cause I personally think it would have been MUCH harder on DS.
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Thank you! Lol I kept getting children's things that would come up, or the Who's from the story of the grinch! I knew I wasn't finding it!
Totally understand! I googled WHO to look up what the official recommendations were before posting and got a whole mess of things that weren't what I was looking for too.
I can't read all the comments or my head will explode (I got through maybe ten and then had to stop myself), but as an extended breastfeeder, let me tell you...it is NOT freakin' about me or my wants, and I am not ~addicted~ to it. Good lawd.
I can't read all the comments or my head will explode (I got through maybe ten and then he to stop myself), but as an extended breastfeeder, let me tell you...it is NOT freakin' about me or my wants, and I am not ~addicted~ to it. Good lawd.
I'm assuming that any person who would suspect another woman of being 'addicted' to BFing has never actually BF a child; clearly they have no clue what it's like...
I wanted to BF until at least a year. Both of my kiddos self weaned around 13 months. I was okay with it, they were obviously okay with it. Do what works for you.
One of my BFFs nursed until her DD was almost three. Was I interested in doing that? No, but to each their own.
I think it's irrelevant what others think of your choices as a parent. As long as your child is cared for, loved, nourished....why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Plain and simple- it doesn't.
I'd mind my own buisness about the friend thing. Both my kids and #3 will all be formula fed babies(GASP!!) People like to judge the hell out of me for it and I've been called selfish. Honestly breastfeed til college if that works for you. It's no ones buisness how you feed the baby as long as baby is fed!
If you had asked me before I had my DD what my plan was, and what I thought was "ideal," I would have said one year. Never in a million years did I imagine myself nursing a three year old. And yet...she's 3 and 3 months and she has made it clear she is not ready to be completely finished.
We've really cut down on it, due to her just naturally maturing and being busier/more independent and also my own nudging to reduce have a bit more freedom, but she still asks to nurse sometimes, usually once a day, generally when she first wakes up or is very sleepy. When I was expecting my first and had a lot of questions about breastfeeding, my mom had told me that all of her kids (3 of us) weaned ourselves just before a year, so I thought it would happen that way with mine. Then a year turned into 18 months, then 2...and so on.
It's definitely not something I advertise. But I have to say, I've been pleasantly surprised that those who have learned we are still in the process of weaning have really impressed me by not being jerks or insulting towards me when they found out (at least, not to my face). On the internet, however, I've learned to stay away from reading the comments sections of articles that talk about breastfeeding past a year.
I love what PPs on here have said about it being unique to each family, and it being about what works best for mom and child. Are there times when I wish we were done with it? Yes. But seeing the look of pure peace and absolute trust on my DD's face as she is snuggling in to me is definitely rewarding.
Exactly this! I never imagined nursing a 3 yo but then my infant became my toddler and toddler became child and it was just all the same. Nothing changed in him or I that suddenly made nursing weird. It was hugely important to him, and I'm so glad we have continued to wind down at his pace (with some encouragement from me). We are close to the end now and it's been a truly beautiful experience, I cannot wait to start again
I'd mind my own buisness about the friend thing. Both my kids and #3 will all be formula fed babies(GASP!!) People like to judge the hell out of me for it and I've been called selfish. Honestly breastfeed til college if that works for you. It's no ones buisness how you feed the baby as long as baby is fed!
Preach. Judging other people's safe and non-abusive parenting choices sucks.
I'd mind my own buisness about the friend thing. Both my kids and #3 will all be formula fed babies(GASP!!) People like to judge the hell out of me for it and I've been called selfish. Honestly breastfeed til college if that works for you. It's no ones buisness how you feed the baby as long as baby is fed!
There's nothing wrong with formula. You do what you have to do to feed your kids. As long as they're happy and healthy, it shouldn't matter what you feed or how long you do that for.
I've always set a goal in the beginning to make it until 6-9 months, but in actuality, it's ended up being more like a year. None of my babies wanted to be weaned, but frankly I don't like breastfeeding, and have always done it for the sake of my children/husband. I do want to sacrifice for my children, but for someone who doesn't enjoy nursing, a year is enough!
I started out with my DS thinking I'd stop nursing at a year. We struggled, I had to supplement with formula, and when we got to one year I was finally feeling like we were in our groove and had finally managed to cut out supplementing with formula. We continued nursing because it's what worked for us. He's three months shy of three, and he still nurses to bed at nap time and bedtime, and I would continue to tandem nurse except that I'm expecting twins. I think simultaneously nursing two newborns will be enough to master, so my DS's nursing days are numbered. Whatever works for each nursing partner in the nursing relationship is what's best for them, but as the mother of a nursing toddler, I can say that making a toddler nurse if they don't want to is near impossible. I can't get him to wear pants if he doesn't want to. And I have a hard time believing a mother can become addicted to nursing. Toddler gymnurstics are enough to drive me bonkers some days.
I can't read all the comments or my head will explode (I got through maybe ten and then he to stop myself), but as an extended breastfeeder, let me tell you...it is NOT freakin' about me or my wants, and I am not ~addicted~ to it. Good lawd.
I'm assuming that any person who would suspect another woman of being 'addicted' to BFing has never actually BF a child; clearly they have no clue what it's like...
This isn't about me just making stuff up or having wild or silly assumptions as I said it makes the body release endorphins apparently. So in theory it could be habit forming like the gym. It's a scientific theory! It's actually oxytocin that's produced.
It's clear from the above that some people don't bother to read others comments properly but still want to put their own view accross. I will attach an article of interest (not scientific paper by a long stretch)but I doubt you will read, if the comments are too much.
I actually read the article @Emztron500 provided on extended breastfeeding and its benefits and found it very interesting.
To say i have no experience in something and therefore am not entitled to have a view is a little silly. I have never done heroin but yet feel its ok to have an opinion on it based on research. If you have a constructive argument as to why you feel my point is incorrect, please share it based on your own experience but do not attack my personal experience please.
It's a little frustrating. So this will be my last comment as I take time to read what others say and consider it SCIENTIFICALLY.
To all the women who kindly explained the benefits of extended feeding and what it brought them and their children. Thank you and peace out....lol.
Yikes, you are correct, there is absolutely nothing scientific about that article except for a quote from a dr (who probably took science in school) that bf "could" be related to oxytocin. I'm sorry but "could" is not a scientific word. There's nothing 'apparent' in that article.
And I did read your comment about your friend, multiple times. It managed to alienate several women Bc it is a personal judgement of your friend, not a scientific analysis. And by extension, a judgement of the choices we make. Yes, you know your friend and maybe she is insecure, but as many pp have said- you can lead a toddler to milk, but you can't make them drink. Clearly the current set up works for both mom and baby regardless of age based on the experience shared by the people you asked to hear from, yet you continue to tune them out and stand by your negative assessment of your friend.
You stated that your friend is damaging the long term development of her child to fulfill her own needs. But this isn't something you got from any scientific source that you quoted or a 'concerned friend' question the way it's phrased. Instead you use words like unusual, insecure, desire to be needed. The onus isn't on us to prove that your assertion that BF to age 4 is damaging is scientifically inaccurate, the onus is on you to prove that what you said is accurate. Personally, I would never call out another's parenting decisions as harming normal development without significant, solid research evidence. In my mind, the term "in my mind" is completely insufficient for the judgement of another's parenting choice--that is why it is 'incorrect' and a 'silly assumption'.
For constructive feedback: you are normally extremely supportive on the bump and a general WK. This thread has felt supportive, but by others who, yes, may disagree with you. Your post and defensive responses indicate that you aren't interested in hearing the feelings people are sharing. I think the pp you called out didn't read the comments not Bc she was lazy, but bc they were offensive to an extended BFer. But why target us at all in your comment? I think everyone is trying to add to the conversation and her personal experience is relevant so it's a valid comment.
As a FTM I'm nervous as hell about bfing and seeing from your experience that friends may consider me a bad parent for doing it too long or too short, especially if they've never walked a mile in my nursing bra, bothers me. I am insecure, I do have a deep-rooted desire to be needed, does that mean my decisions as a mom will be self-serving? Sure, probably, but that's my own business and challenge to work through. I don't know if I'll BF for a day or 5 yrs, and from what I've heard from others I won't know that until I'm actually going through the process with each child. Either way, it's a personal choice based on individual parameters with that child and a mom shouldn't be called damaging for being on either end of the spectrum without significant proof. The answers you've gotten in this post show clearly and unanimously that there isn't the perfect time frame for BFing that you seem determined to find and lay down. I just wish you had heard how your comment was perceived by your bump friends and considered backing away from a flop. We all make mistakes, why not just own it instead of throwing us under the bus as a bad board?
@HBamama2B. Two seconds on google and you find loads of scientific papers on the importance of oxytocin in lactation. There are plenty more on the link between oxytocin and happiness and stress reduction. You have to pay to access these research papers but it's common knowledge for a doctors, not a vague scientific idea.
It was silly of me to comment on someone no one else had met. If you met her my comments would make more sense. It was not a generalisation on the bf group in general I was talking about a specific person simply to explain it got me thinking about the topic in general. My friend has a history of anorexia and being in abusive relationships, she feels unloved I suspect. Naturally I'm concerned about her..i said I loved and respected her. I feel my comment has been generalised to a whole group of people it was not aimed at. I did not at any point say this was a bad board, i said 2 people did not read the comments properly and was not "calling everyone out". I now feel my words are being twisted a little. My mistake....I will leave it at that and would appreciate it is comments were no longer directed at me personally. I will not be commenting further on this as there is nothing to be gained from it. I thanked everyone for their opinions so was obviously interested in them.
@HBamama2B thank you so much for your post! At least I feel like you were able to correctly interpret the tone/message I was trying to share. FWIW, if someone is committed to trying to breastfeed (which is a personal decision for each and every women of course, I don't thinks it's so much better than formula - but it certainly is cheaper!!!), and they have access to help and support, I think they will have a good chance at successfully breastfeeding. But, I think FTMs (myself included) have this naive idea of what it will be like, and some of us get kicked in the vagina in the days after giving birth when we realize it's not the easy beautiful thing the books made it seem. Some moms will come to the day where they have to decide if it's worth the heartache, tears, and pain to continue. I really needed to forgive myself for "failing" and switching to formula, as I had these preconceived ideas of what formula meant. I ultimately made it through, but it was touch and go. And that was when I learned that a fed baby is a fed baby. It doesn't matter how that happens.
We're all (especially us FTMs) finding our way here, so I think this should be a place we can ask anything without being criticized for even asking a question.
I'm personally very interested in what you all think is best and believe we can have a constructive conversation about our views without being judgmental of others'.
@HBamama2B thank you so much for your post! At least I feel like you were able to correctly interpret the tone/message I was trying to share. FWIW, if someone is committed to trying to breastfeed (which is a personal decision for each and every women of course, I don't thinks it's so much better than formula - but it certainly is cheaper!!!), and they have access to help and support, I think they will have a good chance at successfully breastfeeding. But, I think FTMs (myself included) have this naive idea of what it will be like, and some of us get kicked in the vagina in the days after giving birth when we realize it's not the easy beautiful thing the books made it seem. Some moms will come to the day where they have to decide if it's worth the heartache, tears, and pain to continue. I really needed to forgive myself for "failing" and switching to formula, as I had these preconceived ideas of what formula meant. I ultimately made it through, but it was touch and go. And that was when I learned that a fed baby is a fed baby. It doesn't matter how that happens.
This is me...after 6 months of pain and tears, I threw the towel in after getting mastitis and having a huge dip in supply. It was really traumatic for me (not so much the baby...he didn't even seem to care!) but I spent a ton of time and money with a lactation consultant and researching and could never really get a pain free experience. It sucked grimacing every time he latched for 6 months...I tried, I'm super proud I made it to 6 months...I will try just as hard with this baby and hope it's better!
Just trying to share my experience because it really isn't all roses and there are a lot of feelings that come with it. It's really hard...that being said, some women in my bmb, had a super latcher from the beginning and zero problems. Every baby is different.
To be completely blunt, yes, BFing is a literal pain. It's sooooo hard (like @Bear14+ said). I had issues from day 1 with our son. He had awful reflux, which meant he wanted to nurse to soothe his throat all day....and I mean ALL.DAY. My nipples had deep cracks, bled, I cried even thinking about him latching on, I had mastitis when he was a week old, and yet somehow, we pulled through and I BFed him for 13 months. I am NOT tooting my own horn. I'm simply saying it's difficult for a lot of moms. And again, who are we to judge a mama for feeding her baby, in whatever form that takes?
OP, I also heard a lot of judgment coming from you about your friend. You keep saying "if we knew her," yet we don't. If you're truly concerned about something with her, maybe you should talk to her about it, but don't expect her to change her parenting because of you.
As long as you feed your kid it dosent matter if it's breast milk or formula. I would say if your friend wants to BF until her kid is 6 it's really none of your Bussiness.
I cannot say this is true for sure, but my nursing friend swears this. (We've been best friends since high school.) I even just asked her again about it yesterday. She claims she has a coworker/supervisor in her mid to late 40's who is still breastfeeding her son, who appears in his older teens. He has mental disabilities, and is pretty low functioning. The husband brings the boy in after he gets done with school, so that he can nurse (privately in the mothers's office.) My friend swears by this, saying it is common knowledge by all the staff. (She works at a nursing home.) I do believe my friend is not making up some kind of wild story.
Now having said this. I do not believe that 4 years old it "too old" for breastfeeding. I also believe it would be hard to define what is "too old." However, there has to be (rare?) cases in which breastfeeding has gone on for too long.
Edit: I Just want to add that I'm not judging this specific situation (especially as it's unique,) but rather pointing out that there many be such a thing as breastfeeding for too long
I don't think you should be judging your friend. It works for them, and it's none of your business. Do you know her BF journey? Probably not. Maybe they struggled for months and the fact they are still ongoing is such a triumph to her.
I am probably different from many moms here in that I have no desire to ever BF my child. With my daughter I knew I didn't want to, she's never even had a drop of colostrum. And that's perfectly okay. This next baby will get straight formula again from the get go. Not wanting to BF is a perfectly valid reason to not do it.
I also suffered terrible PPD with my daughter and the meds I needed wouldn't have allowed me to BF. This time around BF is a no go because I start my meds to combat it as soon as I give birth.
Just let people do their thing and support them in that.
This can be such a heated topic, so my vote is what I did last time. We just wrapped up nursing at age two and one month.i found that BFing was THE HARDEST part of learning to be a mother. I struggled for months, exclusively pumping because of his immature latch and my flat nipples was a bad combo. I almost gave up...and so when we finally got it down I saw no reason to stop. Plus all research shows nothing but benefit to the baby so went with it. That's me. I know plenty of moms who had medical complications that didn't allow them to BF or who chose to FF. I don't care as long as the baby is getting fed! Being a mom is hard enough without all the crazy judgements that you get...no matter what you choose to do. #teamfeedyourbaby
I nursed my first until he self weaned at 14 months. I found out I was pregnant two days later. DS2 self weaned at 7 months and nothing I did would change it. We changed him to formula and it was fine, I never responded to the pump the second time around. My goal is at least a year, then let baby decide when to stop.
I clicked a year because that is what i thought was an ideal time but my toddler has other ideas. I've been trying to get him less boob obsessed for almost year. I'm not even sure i have milk right now and he still screams for it. I'm sure he is going to be even more obsessed when i have this baby and my milk is overflowing (i have a huge over supply)
Married 11/27/09 and TTC right away Dx: Complete septate uterus with cervical duplication, endometrial polyps, PCOS, endometriosis, hypo thyroid, luteal phase defect 4 uterus surgeries to correct my complete septum and to remove polyps and 2 years of seeing the RE, medicated cycles and IUIs Baby 1 and 2: BFP 3/3/11 with 2 babies EDD 11/1/11, M/C 4/6/11 Baby #3: 8/11 pregnant EDD 4/27/11 and m/c:( Baby #4: 10/12/11 BFP! EDD 6/16/12m/c 10/26/11 Baby #5: 3/13/12 BFP! EDD 11/25/12 ANOTHER m/c
Baby #6: 2/14/13- BFP! EDD 10/24/13, CP 2/19/13 Baby #7: 3/15/13- BFP! EDD 11/27/13, another CP Baby #8. BFP 5/19/13 EDD 1/22/14. 8 was not our lucky number
4th septum resection on 5/31/13. Baby #9: 6/29/13 BFP. C section scheduled for March 5th!
My miracle baby was born March 5 at 9:33am. He was 8 lbs 12.5 oz and 21.25 inches long!
I will say being pregnant and breastfeeding is terrible. The feeling creeps me out. I can only take a minute or so before my skin crawls
Married 11/27/09 and TTC right away Dx: Complete septate uterus with cervical duplication, endometrial polyps, PCOS, endometriosis, hypo thyroid, luteal phase defect 4 uterus surgeries to correct my complete septum and to remove polyps and 2 years of seeing the RE, medicated cycles and IUIs Baby 1 and 2: BFP 3/3/11 with 2 babies EDD 11/1/11, M/C 4/6/11 Baby #3: 8/11 pregnant EDD 4/27/11 and m/c:( Baby #4: 10/12/11 BFP! EDD 6/16/12m/c 10/26/11 Baby #5: 3/13/12 BFP! EDD 11/25/12 ANOTHER m/c
Baby #6: 2/14/13- BFP! EDD 10/24/13, CP 2/19/13 Baby #7: 3/15/13- BFP! EDD 11/27/13, another CP Baby #8. BFP 5/19/13 EDD 1/22/14. 8 was not our lucky number
4th septum resection on 5/31/13. Baby #9: 6/29/13 BFP. C section scheduled for March 5th!
My miracle baby was born March 5 at 9:33am. He was 8 lbs 12.5 oz and 21.25 inches long!
I was only planning on nursing my daughter about a year and two days after her 1st birthday we found out I was pregnant so she was weaned by 13 months. I plan on doing the same with this one as well.
FTM here but my hope is to exclusively breastfeed for 3 months, after which I am going back to work full time. Then until 6 months, I plan to mostly breastfeed (pumping at work, and supplementing with formula occasionally). After 6 months, I'm thinking I'll mostly only breastfeed when I'm at home (the whole pumping thing doesn't sound fun to me). That can go until whenever, maybe until baby is 1 year or so. That is what I hope will happen!
When it's your own boobs and your own baby--- I'm not really sure why anyone has a say in how long anyone else should breast feed. I've never met someone with weird sexual issues because their mom breast-fed them too long.
This is my third pregnancy. I had wildly different breastfeeding experiences. With my older daughter, I had supply issues from the get-go, and after doing everything in power to EBF, I switched to formula when she was about 6 months old, and my stress level went down so much. I was literally getting depressed because I felt like such a failure for being unable to breastfeed my child, and letting go of that and focusing on just making sure that my child was full and happy changed my life so much for the better.
With my second child, I had none of the previous issues. I planned on BFing for a year, if I could, but when we hit that point, my daughter did not seem at all ready to wean. She ate plenty of solids, and drank water, but I nursed her several times a day until she finally decided that she was done shortly before her second birthday. I never imagined that I would breastfeed for 23 months, but it was what was right for us, and she weaned on her own with no fighting about it.
With this third baby, I am going into it with no expectations. If I can breastfeed, great. If I can't, then I will cheerfully formula feed him or her. If I can breastfeed, it might be for 6 months, or a year, or 2 years.
I think it's been covered, but I will echo was a few women have said. I did vote on this post because it was asking what your plan is. Mine is a year--if I can. If I am being honest, I feel past 18 months to 2 years old is weird, BUT I HAVE NO GOOD REASON and I am actively trying to stop this as it's judging for no good reason. It really is none of my business. Definitely not my thing though.
What I will say is that breastfeeding sucks. It is painful and stressful and hard. But at the same time it is awesome and beautiful. I had a hell of a time with my daughter. I basically fought tooth and nail for 9 weeks to get her to be able to feed (weekly--sometimes semiweekly--lactation consultant appointments, a tongue clipping, nipple shield, so much fenugreek/mother's milk tea/oatmeal, power pumping/etc). She finally could feed well and my supply was total shit. I spent the next three weeks fighting tooth and nail to increase my supply. My kid was sleeping through the night and I was setting alarms to get up and pump to try to stimulate my milk-making parts. After 3 weeks with zero gains, I finally stopped. Best decision ever for me. We made it 12 weeks with some breast milk, some formula. I am proud of that. I have heard from non-lactivist medical professionals that the medical benefits of breastfeeding are for 0-6 weeks. There are many, many non-medical benefits--so I am not saying there are none at all.
This time around, I really hope will go smoother from the get-go. Every baby is different (mine was technically pre-term and there are feeding issues associated with that). I have a better understanding of what to do, what to look for if things are going wrong. I will be meeting with my LC regularly in the beginning to confirm and address any issues. I will definitely fight for the 6 weeks for the medical benefits. I'm hoping to last a year. Any time in between that will depend on our experience.
With DS we only made it to six months because my supply was low the whole time and we always supplemented with formula. Then he got his teeth in and thought it was funny to bite me to see my reaction. All the advice I read about biting suggested if the baby was hungry enough they'd eventually get the idea that biting ends the nursing session and stop. But our problem was we were nursing more for comfort at that point.
That said I think it's wrong to judge another mother for how long she breast feeds and cosleeps or whatever. I also don't agree with the idea that it's somehow harmful for the child to be close to their mother past a certain age, whether it's breastfeeding or cosleeping or not going to daycare/nursery. Certainly not at four years old. You don't know her thoughts so you can't just jump to the conclusion that she's still nursing to fulfill her own needs. Also the post about the mother who kept her son out of nursery until three and co-slept seemed overly judgemental to me. Especially because you tried to convince her that her son needed to be away from her. That may have been true, but it's not really up to an outsider what's best for her child. This struck a nerve for me because DHs family started giving me a hard time about getting DS into daycare before he was even one. Like I was doing him a disservice by not leaving him with someone other than family and he wasn't getting enough social interaction. They had no idea what we did all day; I took him to the park every day and playgroups once a week which I thought was plenty of interaction for him. But their interference combined with the judgement of viewing me as a clingy mom unable to let go of her baby really got me second guessing what I knew was best for us. He started a morning-only preschool at three and now is in full day kindergarten and is super outgoing and social.
All I'm saying is that whatever the mother is comfortable with is great and she shouldn't be made to feel like she's not doing the right thing by outsiders who can't understand the situation.
Re: How long to breast feed for?
2 angel babies to watch over us- bfp 3/16/13, c/p 3/27/13- bfp 6/27/13, c/p confirmed 7/4/13- We will always carry you in our hearts
Mommy to our princess warrior- 3/4/09
What is the WHO?
One of my BFFs nursed until her DD was almost three. Was I interested in doing that? No, but to each their own.
I think it's irrelevant what others think of your choices as a parent. As long as your child is cared for, loved, nourished....why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Plain and simple- it doesn't.
This isn't about me just making stuff up or having wild or silly assumptions as I said it makes the body release endorphins apparently. So in theory it could be habit forming like the gym. It's a scientific theory! It's actually oxytocin that's produced.
It's clear from the above that some people don't bother to read others comments properly but still want to put their own view accross. I will attach an article of interest (not scientific paper by a long stretch)but I doubt you will read, if the comments are too much.
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/mom/penelope-cruz-breastfeeding
I actually read the article @Emztron500 provided on extended breastfeeding and its benefits and found it very interesting.
To say i have no experience in something and therefore am not entitled to have a view is a little silly. I have never done heroin but yet feel its ok to have an opinion on it based on research. If you have a constructive argument as to why you feel my point is incorrect, please share it based on your own experience but do not attack my personal experience please.
It's a little frustrating. So this will be my last comment as I take time to read what others say and consider it SCIENTIFICALLY.
To all the women who kindly explained the benefits of extended feeding and what it brought them and their children. Thank you and peace out....lol.
And I did read your comment about your friend, multiple times. It managed to alienate several women Bc it is a personal judgement of your friend, not a scientific analysis. And by extension, a judgement of the choices we make. Yes, you know your friend and maybe she is insecure, but as many pp have said- you can lead a toddler to milk, but you can't make them drink. Clearly the current set up works for both mom and baby regardless of age based on the experience shared by the people you asked to hear from, yet you continue to tune them out and stand by your negative assessment of your friend.
You stated that your friend is damaging the long term development of her child to fulfill her own needs. But this isn't something you got from any scientific source that you quoted or a 'concerned friend' question the way it's phrased. Instead you use words like unusual, insecure, desire to be needed. The onus isn't on us to prove that your assertion that BF to age 4 is damaging is scientifically inaccurate, the onus is on you to prove that what you said is accurate. Personally, I would never call out another's parenting decisions as harming normal development without significant, solid research evidence. In my mind, the term "in my mind" is completely insufficient for the judgement of another's parenting choice--that is why it is 'incorrect' and a 'silly assumption'.
For constructive feedback: you are normally extremely supportive on the bump and a general WK. This thread has felt supportive, but by others who, yes, may disagree with you. Your post and defensive responses indicate that you aren't interested in hearing the feelings people are sharing. I think the pp you called out didn't read the comments not Bc she was lazy, but bc they were offensive to an extended BFer. But why target us at all in your comment? I think everyone is trying to add to the conversation and her personal experience is relevant so it's a valid comment.
As a FTM I'm nervous as hell about bfing and seeing from your experience that friends may consider me a bad parent for doing it too long or too short, especially if they've never walked a mile in my nursing bra, bothers me. I am insecure, I do have a deep-rooted desire to be needed, does that mean my decisions as a mom will be self-serving? Sure, probably, but that's my own business and challenge to work through. I don't know if I'll BF for a day or 5 yrs, and from what I've heard from others I won't know that until I'm actually going through the process with each child. Either way, it's a personal choice based on individual parameters with that child and a mom shouldn't be called damaging for being on either end of the spectrum without significant proof. The answers you've gotten in this post show clearly and unanimously that there isn't the perfect time frame for BFing that you seem determined to find and lay down. I just wish you had heard how your comment was perceived by your bump friends and considered backing away from a flop. We all make mistakes, why not just own it instead of throwing us under the bus as a bad board?
@HBamama2B. Two seconds on google and you find loads of scientific papers on the importance of oxytocin in lactation. There are plenty more on the link between oxytocin and happiness and stress reduction. You have to pay to access these research papers but it's common knowledge for a doctors, not a vague scientific idea.
It was silly of me to comment on someone no one else had met. If you met her my comments would make more sense. It was not a generalisation on the bf group in general I was talking about a specific person simply to explain it got me thinking about the topic in general. My friend has a history of anorexia and being in abusive relationships, she feels unloved I suspect. Naturally I'm concerned about her..i said I loved and respected her. I feel my comment has been generalised to a whole group of people it was not aimed at.
I did not at any point say this was a bad board, i said 2 people did not read the comments properly and was not "calling everyone out". I now feel my words are being twisted a little. My mistake....I will leave it at that and would appreciate it is comments were no longer directed at me personally. I will not be commenting further on this as there is nothing to be gained from it. I thanked everyone for their opinions so was obviously interested in them.
FWIW, if someone is committed to trying to breastfeed (which is a personal decision for each and every women of course, I don't thinks it's so much better than formula - but it certainly is cheaper!!!), and they have access to help and support, I think they will have a good chance at successfully breastfeeding. But, I think FTMs (myself included) have this naive idea of what it will be like, and some of us get kicked in the vagina in the days after giving birth when we realize it's not the easy beautiful thing the books made it seem. Some moms will come to the day where they have to decide if it's worth the heartache, tears, and pain to continue. I really needed to forgive myself for "failing" and switching to formula, as I had these preconceived ideas of what formula meant. I ultimately made it through, but it was touch and go. And that was when I learned that a fed baby is a fed baby. It doesn't matter how that happens.
I'm personally very interested in what you all think is best and believe we can have a constructive conversation about our views without being judgmental of others'.
Just trying to share my experience because it really isn't all roses and there are a lot of feelings that come with it. It's really hard...that being said, some women in my bmb, had a super latcher from the beginning and zero problems. Every baby is different.
OP, I also heard a lot of judgment coming from you about your friend. You keep saying "if we knew her," yet we don't. If you're truly concerned about something with her, maybe you should talk to her about it, but don't expect her to change her parenting because of you.
Now having said this. I do not believe that 4 years old it "too old" for breastfeeding. I also believe it would be hard to define what is "too old." However, there has to be (rare?) cases in which breastfeeding has gone on for too long.
Edit: I Just want to add that I'm not judging this specific situation (especially as it's unique,) but rather pointing out that there many be such a thing as breastfeeding for too long
I am probably different from many moms here in that I have no desire to ever BF my child. With my daughter I knew I didn't want to, she's never even had a drop of colostrum. And that's perfectly okay. This next baby will get straight formula again from the get go. Not wanting to BF is a perfectly valid reason to not do it.
I also suffered terrible PPD with my daughter and the meds I needed wouldn't have allowed me to BF. This time around BF is a no go because I start my meds to combat it as soon as I give birth.
Just let people do their thing and support them in that.
DD1 born 11/2014
DD2 born 6/2016
Married 11/27/09 and TTC right away
Dx: Complete septate uterus with cervical duplication, endometrial polyps, PCOS, endometriosis, hypo thyroid, luteal phase defect
4 uterus surgeries to correct my complete septum and to remove polyps and 2 years of seeing the RE, medicated cycles and IUIs
Baby 1 and 2: BFP 3/3/11 with 2 babies EDD 11/1/11, M/C 4/6/11
Baby #3: 8/11 pregnant EDD 4/27/11 and m/c:(
Baby #4: 10/12/11 BFP! EDD 6/16/12m/c 10/26/11
Baby #5: 3/13/12 BFP! EDD 11/25/12 ANOTHER m/c
Baby #6: 2/14/13- BFP! EDD 10/24/13, CP 2/19/13
Baby #7: 3/15/13- BFP! EDD 11/27/13, another CP
Baby #8. BFP 5/19/13 EDD 1/22/14. 8 was not our lucky number
4th septum resection on 5/31/13.
Baby #9: 6/29/13 BFP. C section scheduled for March 5th!
My miracle baby was born March 5 at 9:33am. He was 8 lbs 12.5 oz and 21.25 inches long!
Married 11/27/09 and TTC right away
Dx: Complete septate uterus with cervical duplication, endometrial polyps, PCOS, endometriosis, hypo thyroid, luteal phase defect
4 uterus surgeries to correct my complete septum and to remove polyps and 2 years of seeing the RE, medicated cycles and IUIs
Baby 1 and 2: BFP 3/3/11 with 2 babies EDD 11/1/11, M/C 4/6/11
Baby #3: 8/11 pregnant EDD 4/27/11 and m/c:(
Baby #4: 10/12/11 BFP! EDD 6/16/12m/c 10/26/11
Baby #5: 3/13/12 BFP! EDD 11/25/12 ANOTHER m/c
Baby #6: 2/14/13- BFP! EDD 10/24/13, CP 2/19/13
Baby #7: 3/15/13- BFP! EDD 11/27/13, another CP
Baby #8. BFP 5/19/13 EDD 1/22/14. 8 was not our lucky number
4th septum resection on 5/31/13.
Baby #9: 6/29/13 BFP. C section scheduled for March 5th!
My miracle baby was born March 5 at 9:33am. He was 8 lbs 12.5 oz and 21.25 inches long!
With my second child, I had none of the previous issues. I planned on BFing for a year, if I could, but when we hit that point, my daughter did not seem at all ready to wean. She ate plenty of solids, and drank water, but I nursed her several times a day until she finally decided that she was done shortly before her second birthday. I never imagined that I would breastfeed for 23 months, but it was what was right for us, and she weaned on her own with no fighting about it.
With this third baby, I am going into it with no expectations. If I can breastfeed, great. If I can't, then I will cheerfully formula feed him or her. If I can breastfeed, it might be for 6 months, or a year, or 2 years.
What I will say is that breastfeeding sucks. It is painful and stressful and hard. But at the same time it is awesome and beautiful. I had a hell of a time with my daughter. I basically fought tooth and nail for 9 weeks to get her to be able to feed (weekly--sometimes semiweekly--lactation consultant appointments, a tongue clipping, nipple shield, so much fenugreek/mother's milk tea/oatmeal, power pumping/etc). She finally could feed well and my supply was total shit. I spent the next three weeks fighting tooth and nail to increase my supply. My kid was sleeping through the night and I was setting alarms to get up and pump to try to stimulate my milk-making parts. After 3 weeks with zero gains, I finally stopped. Best decision ever for me. We made it 12 weeks with some breast milk, some formula. I am proud of that. I have heard from non-lactivist medical professionals that the medical benefits of breastfeeding are for 0-6 weeks. There are many, many non-medical benefits--so I am not saying there are none at all.
This time around, I really hope will go smoother from the get-go. Every baby is different (mine was technically pre-term and there are feeding issues associated with that). I have a better understanding of what to do, what to look for if things are going wrong. I will be meeting with my LC regularly in the beginning to confirm and address any issues. I will definitely fight for the 6 weeks for the medical benefits. I'm hoping to last a year. Any time in between that will depend on our experience.
With DS we only made it to six months because my supply was low the whole time and we always supplemented with formula. Then he got his teeth in and thought it was funny to bite me to see my reaction. All the advice I read about biting suggested if the baby was hungry enough they'd eventually get the idea that biting ends the nursing session and stop. But our problem was we were nursing more for comfort at that point.
That said I think it's wrong to judge another mother for how long she breast feeds and cosleeps or whatever. I also don't agree with the idea that it's somehow harmful for the child to be close to their mother past a certain age, whether it's breastfeeding or cosleeping or not going to daycare/nursery. Certainly not at four years old. You don't know her thoughts so you can't just jump to the conclusion that she's still nursing to fulfill her own needs. Also the post about the mother who kept her son out of nursery until three and co-slept seemed overly judgemental to me. Especially because you tried to convince her that her son needed to be away from her. That may have been true, but it's not really up to an outsider what's best for her child. This struck a nerve for me because DHs family started giving me a hard time about getting DS into daycare before he was even one. Like I was doing him a disservice by not leaving him with someone other than family and he wasn't getting enough social interaction. They had no idea what we did all day; I took him to the park every day and playgroups once a week which I thought was plenty of interaction for him. But their interference combined with the judgement of viewing me as a clingy mom unable to let go of her baby really got me second guessing what I knew was best for us. He started a morning-only preschool at three and now is in full day kindergarten and is super outgoing and social.
All I'm saying is that whatever the mother is comfortable with is great and she shouldn't be made to feel like she's not doing the right thing by outsiders who can't understand the situation.