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Delivery Room Drama.. Already.

kyraaDkyraaD member
in March 2016 Moms
I'll try to keep this as short as possible, ladies. i debated making a thread about this, but it kept me up until 3am last night, so any advice/support would be appreciated!

me & my SO keep getting into arguments over who will be in the delivery room with me. i know some hospitals only allow one of two people in there with you. if two people are allowed, i want my SO & my mother in there with me. my mom has always been a huge support for me & i feel like it would be very helpful for me to have her by my side while I'm pushing.

my SO, however, is being very adamant that we have his mother in there instead of my own. every time he mentions it, i politely correct him & remind him i want my mom in there with me. he always gets extremely defensive & acts like I'm trying to exclude his mother from "the birth of her first grandchild" (this is also my mother's first). it's not that i want to exclude her at all, i just don't feel comfortable with her watching me push a human being out of my vagina :/

anyways, this has caused a ton of added stress to my plate. I'm already under enough pressure trying to support the 2 of us & save for the baby on a 4 day a week serving job at a dying restaurant. everything i say to him about it goes in one ear & out the other. I'm getting so frustrated i wanna rip my hair out!! how do i get him to understand that this has nothing to do with "excluding" anyone..? i just really want my mom there with me.

thank you so much, ladies!!
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Re: Delivery Room Drama.. Already.

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  • StormiewinterStormiewinter member
    Agree with other pp. I was only comfortable with people in the delivery room until I was pushing and ten it was going to be just dh and I. Since I had a c section it was a non issue as they only let dh in the operating room. Only tough part is our hospital had a 2 person policy for all of the labor ward and since I was still on the magnesium sulfate after delivering I was not allowed to go to post partum for 24 hours until I came off. Fortunately they allowed dh and my mom to switch out with his parents so they could come
    See me and the baby. It will all work out in the end, but get all your ducks lined up first and then you can have some honest conversations.
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  • ClaireBear90ClaireBear90 member
    edited December 2015
    kyraaD said:
    i dont mind her being in the room while I'm in labor & whatnot. but once my legs spread & it's time to push, I'm just not at all comfortable with her seeing that..
    I agree 110% with the other ladies that this decision is your decision. It has to be! Birth is a deeply emotional, personal moment for a woman and there's no way anyone should be in that room unless you want them there. But I do want to say that (in my experience) there comes a point where you DO NOT CARE who sees you naked. :D This is coming from someone who hasn't had an epidural, so if you're feeling fine and fancy-free with pain meds then maybe you don't reach this point, but with both of my births by the time I was ready to push I did not care if the whole world was watching. I was way too focused on giving birth to think about modesty. Now, I haven't had family members besides DH at our births, but if my MIL was there I can't imagine I'd send her out of the room unless she was doing something to distract/irritate me in the moment.

    So I guess what I'm trying to say is . . . if you are comfortable with your MIL being in the room while you're in labor, don't assume that you will want her to leave when it's time to push. You may truly not care. You may be glad to have her there. Who knows. Maybe tell her and your husband that you will play it by ear, but that they both need to respect your decision if you decide that you want more privacy for ANY reason at any point. :) Good luck!

    ETA: ignore that I said MIL and your husband, ha. I meant SO!
    It's a boy! Born 42 weeks, 2 days.
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  • CecilB93CecilB93 member
    I second pretty much everything that's been said. I only want DH in the room with me. IF I have anyone else visit before baby is born it would be my mom, only while I'm in labor. I understand that a lot of cares about privacy go out the window in that moment but I don't even think I want my mom in the room when I'm pushing and as soon as baby is out since my hospital encourages skin to skin and immediate breast feeding.
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  • Sconesy..CiderSconesy..Cider member
    I had almost an opposite situation. I had DH and my MIL at DS' birth. I'm not close with my mom at all, but MIL and I are really close. Plus she's a nurse practioner, so I felt like I had extra help. DH knew my reasons, and I think he felt the same way. I'll echo PPs saying y'all should talk it out or just leave the moms out if an agreement can't be had.
    After talking with MIL, I'm not sure how comfortable she was being there. She didn't volunteer to join us again this round but is going to watch DS. So there's that too.
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  • katy0990katy0990 member
    I would explain to him that you are not comfortable with his mom in there during delivery. Ask him if he would want your mom there at his next physical or if he wet to get a vasectomy.
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  • canadiangirl57canadiangirl57 member
    I had this arugment with my boyfriend i only want him there. Thats who im comfortable with, everyone else will drive me crazy. When he started saying we should have more people there both our mothers and stuff. I look at him said its either just the two of us or just me. Its my body, im the one carrying the baby im the one who delivering ill decide who i want there.
    Be selfish, at the end of the day its your body no one else can tell you who to be comfortable with.
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  • kyraaDkyraaD member
    thanks guys, i appreciate the support (: I'll be calling after work to see what the hospital allows.
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  • lisamullins36lisamullins36 member
    Just out of curiosity, I've been racking my brains and can't come up with anything haha, what is his argument for having his mum there over yours?
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  • MelodyagsMelodyags member
    I'd go with whom your more comfortable with and who would be more of a help to you. Your the one doing the hard part.
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  • kyraaDkyraaD member
    lisamullins36 said:

    Just out of curiosity, I've been racking my brains and can't come up with anything haha, what is his argument for having his mum there over yours?

    he hasn't even made an actual argument :/ all he says is "well she's my mom & this is her first grandchild too! she shouldn't be excluded from the birth!". & then i just give up & stop talking to him about it because when it comes to his mom he gets BEYOND defensive.
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  • jstanton0822jstanton0822 member
    edited December 2015
    DH and I pretty much agreed it would just be us two. But this is our first and he's nervous so he said he might need moral support (more than just me I guess....) so I told him he could pick someone for his own personal moral support if he needs it. But he should wait until he's there to decide.

    If that happens, it'll likely be his dad.  :p
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  • crosas15crosas15 member
    edited December 2015
    I have the same kind of issue with my husband he comes from a huge family and my issue isn't the labor itself it's the visitors after. Having a huge inlaw family means tons of visitors which is something I'm not too big of a fan. After giving birth, a women is exhausted, breastfeeding, catching up on some bonding time with baby. The last baby in their family was a couple months ago and in-laws were in and out some even staying as long as 3 hours for visits and snapping pictures of baby and posting them on social media #nightmare. In the end, you carried your baby for 9 months and it is your body so you should have every right to choose who you want in the delivery room. Let him know you feel uncomfortable. Once the baby comes out he will forget all about it lol. Good luck!
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  • GraciesMom189GraciesMom189 member
    The law says that childbirth is a major medical event for woman and even the father has no right to attend the birth without her approval. I would set your boundaries now. I would have a discussion with both your SO and his mother asap and explain why you feel you need the support from your own mother during labor and delivery (should be obvious to most people) This is not her experience-it's yours. If either of them don't get it they have about 10 weeks to come around or get over it.
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  • cnunes214cnunes214 member
    MrsLeanMeanClean said:
    I get to choose who sees my vagina... and that list does not include my MIL.  DH gets embarrassed when I cuss to much after a bit too much wine at dinner.... I wont be holding anything back in labor!
    This statement is HILARIOUS! You are so right though, you choose who sees the lady bits! I am so glad my hubby doesn't talk to his mother. She lives in another state anyway. I know I won't be holding anything back as well!
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  • jess9802jess9802 member
    edited December 2015
    Your biggest issue isn't your MIL; it's an SO who prioritized his mother over you and the family you are creating together. The delivery room is just the beginning of the battles you should expect to have over her presence in your life. You need to figure out a way to deal with that and him. 

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  • SarahFoley725SarahFoley725 member
    @kyraaD any updates?
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  • RoMama113RoMama113 member
    I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I went through the same thing when I had my first; my husband pretty much said the same exact thing about me keeping MIL from the experience with her first grandchild, ugh.

    Labor is not easy in the least, usually you cannot even think clearly during the process, so I'd suggest figuring this out soon.  There is some great advice from the other posts, hopefully after you get the hospital's policy, you can have a reasonable conversation with your husband and agree on something.  Even though your husband is the dad, it will be you going through the pain etc, so you only want people in the room who make you comfortable and who are supportive, and it doesn't sound like your MIL qualifies.  You definitely don't want any extra stress on your labor day.

    I just want to add that after you make your decision, write it in a birth plan or make sure your nurse knows/writes down who is allowed in the room and when.  Your nurse will be your advocate and will tell people they are not allowed in or when they have to leave, especially when you are unable to tell them yourself or feel uncomfortable to kick people out.  This also works after delivery with visitors!  My nurse even told me to give a little signal to her when I wanted her to kick people out :)
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  • diablessediablesse member
    You know it really doesn't matter what the hospital policy is. If you don't want her in there, make a decision and let the nurses know. They will enforce what ever rules you decide. That's assuming your hospital is anything like mine. The nurses asked me what I wanted as soon as I was admitted and they were pretty clear that they would follow my wishes and run all interference on any unwanted visitors. They were happy to play the bad guy.
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