I'll try to keep this as short as possible, ladies. i debated making a thread about this, but it kept me up until 3am last night, so any advice/support would be appreciated!
me & my SO keep getting into arguments over who will be in the delivery room with me. i know some hospitals only allow one of two people in there with you. if two people are allowed, i want my SO & my mother in there with me. my mom has always been a huge support for me & i feel like it would be very helpful for me to have her by my side while I'm pushing.
my SO, however, is being very adamant that we have his mother in there instead of my own. every time he mentions it, i politely correct him & remind him i want my mom in there with me. he always gets extremely defensive & acts like I'm trying to exclude his mother from "the birth of her first grandchild" (this is also my mother's first). it's not that i want to exclude her at all, i just don't feel comfortable with her watching me push a human being out of my vagina
anyways, this has caused a ton of added stress to my plate. I'm already under enough pressure trying to support the 2 of us & save for the baby on a 4 day a week serving job at a dying restaurant. everything i say to him about it goes in one ear & out the other. I'm getting so frustrated i wanna rip my hair out!! how do i get him to understand that this has nothing to do with "excluding" anyone..? i just really want my mom there with me.
Before even starting out I'd call the hospital and ask what their policy is. Absolutely no reason to argue or worry if their policy is only 1 support person.
The hospital I deliver at allows an entourage if that's what you want (and they don't get in the way), so if you want 3 support people then you may be able to have that. If you don't want his mother there at all then that may be another conversation that would be harder but ultimately you have that choice. Personally I didn't want anyone in there (or at the hospital) other than myself and my husband. Think about what you want for L&D and after baby arrives too. My family is *very* involved and my cousin's wife recently had her 2nd, she didn't have her epidural out yet and there was a whole party of people (mothers, grandmothers, aunts) she wanted it just her and her husband but it go out of control so make your wishes known. Because of this we won't be calling people until I'm ready to push (we live a few hours away) and don't want a parade of people when bonding with a new baby.
Think about what you want in a perfect world and make your intentions known to your husband. If you really don't want her there make her essential to the day some other way so she doesn't feel left out. If you're okay with her coming in shortly afterwards maybe make her in charge of baby's special outfit and getting balloons for post pics... or something that might be important and needed for you two.
I agree with PP find out hospitals policy first and then go from there. I personally don't want anyone with me other than my husband, but I would absolutely want my mom over his if I wanted a second person. That seems strange to me and I don't think my MIL would want to see that much of me anyway.
If I were you I'd say fine, no moms in the delivery room and allow them to both come in and see the baby once it's born.
I agree with the pp's about checking on things 1st with the hospital. Have you had this conversation with your MIL? I'm just curious because while your husband may be pushing it, your MIL may not actually even want to be in the room. If this is a conversation you can have with her (MIL), my advice would be to just be honest with her. If you're honestly not comfortable with her being in the delivery room, I'd just ask her if it would be a problem to be invited in as soon as possible after delivery. Childbirth is hard. It's even harder if you're uncomfortable and/or stressed. She should understand this as she's obviously had at least one child. I hope it all works out and doesn't continue to cause problems because that is a stressful situation.
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I second pp advice of before any more discussions or arguments are had, call the hospital and find out the policy. At the hospital I am delivering at, only 2 support people generally are allowed. They say that they are somewhat flexible to add one more, but that's not the norm.
Personally, I only want me, my husband, and anyone medically necessary. I'm fortunate that my husband and I are on the same page, his mom wants nothing to do with being there at that time, and my mom accepted my choice without incident.
You and your SO really need to have a calm discussion on this and hear each other out once you know the policy of the hospital. I totally get you not wanting his mom in there, and I honestly don't get why he's being so pushy about it. He should be more concerned with your feelings surrounding this moment than hers, frankly. She will get her time with the baby and you are only wanting your mom for support. His mom being there over your mom is ridiculous to me.
I may be a little selfish on my wants for my delivery and the time following, but the way I see it is that I will only give birth once, maybe twice in my life. I'm allowed to be unreasonable and even selfish in how I want that to go. If family outside of me and my husband have a problem with that, they'll get over it. Their feelings dont affect my decisions on that. I will consider my husband's feelings, of course, but I make a LOT of concessions and let a LOT of stuff slide with family on both sides...those one or two days of my life, they can get over it. I know that this mindset isn't for everyone but it's working for us.
I hope you're able to come to some sort of reasonable solution. This is a big deal for both of you, but you're the one physically going through it. That really should count for something.
I was thinking the same thing as @kynbar5. He may just be assuming she wants to be in there with you two or she may have requested it. You didn't mention it, so I'm not sure what her stance is. But if you and MIL have a healthy relationship it may be worth it to cut the middle man out and just talk to her directly, especially since it is causing some dramarama with you and SO.
If she DOES want to be there and you're looking for a way to be "fair" (my vagina, my decision who sees it imo) maybe make a concession that she can be there during delivery for support but when it comes time to push she can give you privacy?
I second what pp already have said. And I think your husband should concidered the fact that it's you who will be on display the whole time while doing a very hard job! It's important that you are comfortable with who's in that room with you during birth. You could ask him if he would like to have your dad in the room with him while getting a vasectomy (it's not the same as birth, but a situation where he would be on display too)?
thanks for the input ladies! i guess i should probably be calling the hospital before even worrying myself this much about it. cant believe such a simple solution hasn't even crossed my mind.. my god.
anyways, i know she will DEFINITELY want to be in here while I'm pushing. she's been veeery involved in the pregnancy thus far. i swear, sometimes she forgets that me & my SO are the first time parents & not her, hahaha. i dont mind her being in the room while I'm in labor & whatnot. but once my legs spread & it's time to push, I'm just not at all comfortable with her seeing that..
but yeah, I'll be calling the hospital probably tomorrow morning (waaay to tired to deal with it right now) & see what they allow. if they only allow one person then there's no reason to worry anymore anyways
I wish I had good advice to give you, but I don't. I didn't want my MIL in the room with me but she wanted to be there. My husband (bless his heart) didn't really see the difference between my mom and his being there so he pushed it. (No pun intended.) In the end they were both there (my Mom and my MIL.) I regret it. I wish I'd put my foot down and had just my Mom (who is also a nurse) but it would have caused a huge rift.
This time it's just me and my husband. No one else unless he can't be there (he travels internationally for work so there is a chance he will be overseas).
You've gotten some really good advice so I won't repeat most of it, but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents that this is your body and your medical 'procedure' and you definitely get the final say on who is in there. I wanted DH and my mom in the room for the birth of DS1. It was even a little bit awkward with my own mom there, lots of nurses sticking their hands in your business, pooping while pushing (yes it happens most of the time, even if you don't know it!), tearing, stitches, placenta, plus topless skin-to-skin with the newborn and trying to nurse, it's just a lot of really gross, private things out there on display. And although you do lose a lot of modesty during the process, it would have still been very awkward for me to have my MIL in there.
Agree with other pp. I was only comfortable with people in the delivery room until I was pushing and ten it was going to be just dh and I. Since I had a c section it was a non issue as they only let dh in the operating room. Only tough part is our hospital had a 2 person policy for all of the labor ward and since I was still on the magnesium sulfate after delivering I was not allowed to go to post partum for 24 hours until I came off. Fortunately they allowed dh and my mom to switch out with his parents so they could come See me and the baby. It will all work out in the end, but get all your ducks lined up first and then you can have some honest conversations.
Oh heck no would my mil come in. I've already said no one besides husband (mom will have dd1) even after wards. I ain't gonna be worried about someone walking into me spread eagle during all the drama. My mil wouldn't even expect to come in while in labor or pushing. I mean, would your husband want your mom or dad watching his prostrate exam? It's as best analogy I could come up with! My mil came in last time after I got stitched and nursed, but for like two min. Ultimately, you could secretly tell your nurse and "make up" the rule of husband or one person only. Nurse will help you in force your wish. With dd1 the nurses in labor are great. They become your instant long lost best friends. Good luck!
i dont mind her being in the room while I'm in labor & whatnot. but once my legs spread & it's time to push, I'm just not at all comfortable with her seeing that..
I agree 110% with the other ladies that this decision is your decision. It has to be! Birth is a deeply emotional, personal moment for a woman and there's no way anyone should be in that room unless you want them there. But I do want to say that (in my experience) there comes a point where you DO NOT CARE who sees you naked. This is coming from someone who hasn't had an epidural, so if you're feeling fine and fancy-free with pain meds then maybe you don't reach this point, but with both of my births by the time I was ready to push I did not care if the whole world was watching. I was way too focused on giving birth to think about modesty. Now, I haven't had family members besides DH at our births, but if my MIL was there I can't imagine I'd send her out of the room unless she was doing something to distract/irritate me in the moment.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is . . . if you are comfortable with your MIL being in the room while you're in labor, don't assume that you will want her to leave when it's time to push. You may truly not care. You may be glad to have her there. Who knows. Maybe tell her and your husband that you will play it by ear, but that they both need to respect your decision if you decide that you want more privacy for ANY reason at any point. Good luck!
ETA: ignore that I said MIL and your husband, ha. I meant SO!
I second pretty much everything that's been said. I only want DH in the room with me. IF I have anyone else visit before baby is born it would be my mom, only while I'm in labor. I understand that a lot of cares about privacy go out the window in that moment but I don't even think I want my mom in the room when I'm pushing and as soon as baby is out since my hospital encourages skin to skin and immediate breast feeding.
For me it's less about my mil seeing me that way, and more about husband understanding he needs to stand by me. When we had the talk about who is in delivery room we also talked about privacy and manners I expect from visitors following delivery. Most important is that husband stays on my page about this. I reserve the right to change my mind and be completely irrational for just this time! Anyone who cares about me would understand anyway.
I had almost an opposite situation. I had DH and my MIL at DS' birth. I'm not close with my mom at all, but MIL and I are really close. Plus she's a nurse practioner, so I felt like I had extra help. DH knew my reasons, and I think he felt the same way. I'll echo PPs saying y'all should talk it out or just leave the moms out if an agreement can't be had. After talking with MIL, I'm not sure how comfortable she was being there. She didn't volunteer to join us again this round but is going to watch DS. So there's that too.
Your the one pushing this baby out so imo you decide whos in the room its not something that is negotiable sorry to your SO he is sol with wanting his mom in the room. Also its kind of weird to me that she would want to be there. ...
I get to choose who sees my vagina... and that list does not include my MIL. DH gets embarrassed when I cuss to much after a bit too much wine at dinner.... I wont be holding anything back in labor!
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I would explain to him that you are not comfortable with his mom in there during delivery. Ask him if he would want your mom there at his next physical or if he wet to get a vasectomy.
Along with what everyone else has already said, this is the one day you get to be selfish. YOU are the one giving birth. YOU get to decide who is in there. It's all about YOU.
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I had this arugment with my boyfriend i only want him there. Thats who im comfortable with, everyone else will drive me crazy. When he started saying we should have more people there both our mothers and stuff. I look at him said its either just the two of us or just me. Its my body, im the one carrying the baby im the one who delivering ill decide who i want there. Be selfish, at the end of the day its your body no one else can tell you who to be comfortable with.
I had to lay down the law with my husband. He said if my mom got to be in there then his dad gets to be in there (FYI his dad hates me because my husband has serious daddy issues and so always paints me as the bad guy so he doesn't have to disappoint his dad). I told him I'm sorry, but it's my vagina on display and I'm going to be in the worse pain of my entire life and I'm the one that gets to decide who is my support system. Besides, I added, do you really want your dad knowing what my vagina looks like?!
Everyone already said it, but I especially echo @kynbar5 and @flowerpower5838 and @Synnovus. I mean, surely your SO would understand like this: "imagine lying on a table with your legs in stirrups and pushing out a poop while my father is in the room, dear – are you comfortable with that?" Bc that is the exact equivalent of what he's insisting upon, and frankly I find that mind-boggling.
March 2016 siggy: babies - expectation vs reality
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to Evan (7/'10), Clare (8/'11), Dean (3/'14), ^F(12/'15)^, Rose (3/'16)
*no longer a Timelord ~ WibblyWobbly BabyWaby is here!*
but i still feel bigger on the inside Autism mama!
I had to lay down the law with my husband. He said if my mom got to be in there then his dad gets to be in there (FYI his dad hates me because my husband has serious daddy issues and so always paints me as the bad guy so he doesn't have to disappoint his dad). I told him I'm sorry, but it's my vagina on display and I'm going to be in the worse pain of my entire life and I'm the one that gets to decide who is my support system. Besides, I added, do you really want your dad knowing what my vagina looks like?!
Just out of curiosity, I've been racking my brains and can't come up with anything haha, what is his argument for having his mum there over yours?
he hasn't even made an actual argument all he says is "well she's my mom & this is her first grandchild too! she shouldn't be excluded from the birth!". & then i just give up & stop talking to him about it because when it comes to his mom he gets BEYOND defensive.
I think your SO needs to realise that labort and birth aren't sunshine and rainbows, but hard, exhausting work with a lot of pain, nudety, blood and gore! Your SO will see more of that than you will, and so do anyone else presen in the room during birth. Yes, in the end you do get a beautiful baby(well, they might be a little red/blue/purple or yellow and look a little squeezed at first), but getting there isn't glamourously to put it nicely... And I think @oceanchild has the best analogy here! (I'm sorry, but there's a good chance that you'll poop during labor...I'm quite sure I did, although DH has never really told me and sort of avoid answering yes or no...) I'm impressed with your patience with your SO, if DH was pressuring me to have someone in there I wasn't comfortable with I would snap and tell him he can either accept how it's gonna be or else he won't be there!
DH and I pretty much agreed it would just be us two. But this is our first and he's nervous so he said he might need moral support (more than just me I guess....) so I told him he could pick someone for his own personal moral support if he needs it. But he should wait until he's there to decide.
I have the same kind of issue with my husband he comes from a huge family and my issue isn't the labor itself it's the visitors after. Having a huge inlaw family means tons of visitors which is something I'm not too big of a fan. After giving birth, a women is exhausted, breastfeeding, catching up on some bonding time with baby. The last baby in their family was a couple months ago and in-laws were in and out some even staying as long as 3 hours for visits and snapping pictures of baby and posting them on social media #nightmare. In the end, you carried your baby for 9 months and it is your body so you should have every right to choose who you want in the delivery room. Let him know you feel uncomfortable. Once the baby comes out he will forget all about it lol. Good luck!
Well personally, my first concern would your child. From a medical point of view, what is best for you, is best for baby. If the thought of your MIL's presence is already stressing you out this much, it's causing your baby stress which is not a good thing. Maybe you can try a factual argument with your partner's emotional response. If you are not comfortable whilest giving birth, your labour could actually slow down, or your stress levels could effect the baby's heart rate etc. Maybe everyone will accept the situation if you explain that no matter how much you want to be considerate for your MIL's wishes, the health of your baby comes first. You're the one in the drivers seat, and it is your responsibility to deliver a healthy baby, so if your MIL'S sitting in the back seat puts you at risk of crashing... don't let her join the ride! Sorry for the sucky metaphor. I hope they will understand. And if they don't, I hope you can accept that and be OK with them not being OK with it. Good luck!
… If you are not comfortable whilest giving birth, your labour could actually slow down, or your stress levels could effect the baby's heart rate etc …
this is a really, really good point!
March 2016 siggy: babies - expectation vs reality
Brian's Whovian wife (5/'09)
AP, BF, BW, CD, CLW, CS, ERF, Catholic mama
to Evan (7/'10), Clare (8/'11), Dean (3/'14), ^F(12/'15)^, Rose (3/'16)
*no longer a Timelord ~ WibblyWobbly BabyWaby is here!*
but i still feel bigger on the inside Autism mama!
The law says that childbirth is a major medical event for woman and even the father has no right to attend the birth without her approval. I would set your boundaries now. I would have a discussion with both your SO and his mother asap and explain why you feel you need the support from your own mother during labor and delivery (should be obvious to most people) This is not her experience-it's yours. If either of them don't get it they have about 10 weeks to come around or get over it.
I get to choose who sees my vagina... and that list does not include my MIL. DH gets embarrassed when I cuss to much after a bit too much wine at dinner.... I wont be holding anything back in labor!
This statement is HILARIOUS! You are so right though, you choose who sees the lady bits! I am so glad my hubby doesn't talk to his mother. She lives in another state anyway. I know I won't be holding anything back as well!
Your biggest issue isn't your MIL; it's an SO who prioritized his mother over you and the family you are creating together. The delivery room is just the beginning of the battles you should expect to have over her presence in your life. You need to figure out a way to deal with that and him.
@SarahFoley725 i haven't called the hospital yet. i figured i have enough on my plate right now & this isnt something I'm going to deal with quite yet. if 2 people are allowed I'm just going to tell my SO that once my legs are spread & i start pushing, only him & my mom are gunna be in there. if he & his mother don't like it, too bad, so sad. like PP's have said, I'm the one pushing the baby out. my choice.
i have a childcare essentials class starting Jan. 18th at the hospital i want to deliver at so I'm going to ask them then (:
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing when I had my first; my husband pretty much said the same exact thing about me keeping MIL from the experience with her first grandchild, ugh.
Labor is not easy in the least, usually you cannot even think clearly during the process, so I'd suggest figuring this out soon. There is some great advice from the other posts, hopefully after you get the hospital's policy, you can have a reasonable conversation with your husband and agree on something. Even though your husband is the dad, it will be you going through the pain etc, so you only want people in the room who make you comfortable and who are supportive, and it doesn't sound like your MIL qualifies. You definitely don't want any extra stress on your labor day.
I just want to add that after you make your decision, write it in a birth plan or make sure your nurse knows/writes down who is allowed in the room and when. Your nurse will be your advocate and will tell people they are not allowed in or when they have to leave, especially when you are unable to tell them yourself or feel uncomfortable to kick people out. This also works after delivery with visitors! My nurse even told me to give a little signal to her when I wanted her to kick people out
You know it really doesn't matter what the hospital policy is. If you don't want her in there, make a decision and let the nurses know. They will enforce what ever rules you decide. That's assuming your hospital is anything like mine. The nurses asked me what I wanted as soon as I was admitted and they were pretty clear that they would follow my wishes and run all interference on any unwanted visitors. They were happy to play the bad guy.
Re: Delivery Room Drama.. Already.
The hospital I deliver at allows an entourage if that's what you want (and they don't get in the way), so if you want 3 support people then you may be able to have that. If you don't want his mother there at all then that may be another conversation that would be harder but ultimately you have that choice. Personally I didn't want anyone in there (or at the hospital) other than myself and my husband. Think about what you want for L&D and after baby arrives too. My family is *very* involved and my cousin's wife recently had her 2nd, she didn't have her epidural out yet and there was a whole party of people (mothers, grandmothers, aunts) she wanted it just her and her husband but it go out of control so make your wishes known. Because of this we won't be calling people until I'm ready to push (we live a few hours away) and don't want a parade of people when bonding with a new baby.
Think about what you want in a perfect world and make your intentions known to your husband. If you really don't want her there make her essential to the day some other way so she doesn't feel left out. If you're okay with her coming in shortly afterwards maybe make her in charge of baby's special outfit and getting balloons for post pics... or something that might be important and needed for you two.
If I were you I'd say fine, no moms in the delivery room and allow them to both come in and see the baby once it's born.
Personally, I only want me, my husband, and anyone medically necessary. I'm fortunate that my husband and I are on the same page, his mom wants nothing to do with being there at that time, and my mom accepted my choice without incident.
You and your SO really need to have a calm discussion on this and hear each other out once you know the policy of the hospital. I totally get you not wanting his mom in there, and I honestly don't get why he's being so pushy about it. He should be more concerned with your feelings surrounding this moment than hers, frankly. She will get her time with the baby and you are only wanting your mom for support. His mom being there over your mom is ridiculous to me.
I may be a little selfish on my wants for my delivery and the time following, but the way I see it is that I will only give birth once, maybe twice in my life. I'm allowed to be unreasonable and even selfish in how I want that to go. If family outside of me and my husband have a problem with that, they'll get over it. Their feelings dont affect my decisions on that. I will consider my husband's feelings, of course, but I make a LOT of concessions and let a LOT of stuff slide with family on both sides...those one or two days of my life, they can get over it. I know that this mindset isn't for everyone but it's working for us.
I hope you're able to come to some sort of reasonable solution. This is a big deal for both of you, but you're the one physically going through it. That really should count for something.
If she DOES want to be there and you're looking for a way to be "fair" (my vagina, my decision who sees it imo) maybe make a concession that she can be there during delivery for support but when it comes time to push she can give you privacy?
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anyways, i know she will DEFINITELY want to be in here while I'm pushing. she's been veeery involved in the pregnancy thus far. i swear, sometimes she forgets that me & my SO are the first time parents & not her, hahaha. i dont mind her being in the room while I'm in labor & whatnot. but once my legs spread & it's time to push, I'm just not at all comfortable with her seeing that..
but yeah, I'll be calling the hospital probably tomorrow morning (waaay to tired to deal with it right now) & see what they allow. if they only allow one person then there's no reason to worry anymore anyways
This time it's just me and my husband. No one else unless he can't be there (he travels internationally for work so there is a chance he will be overseas).
See me and the baby. It will all work out in the end, but get all your ducks lined up first and then you can have some honest conversations.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is . . . if you are comfortable with your MIL being in the room while you're in labor, don't assume that you will want her to leave when it's time to push. You may truly not care. You may be glad to have her there. Who knows. Maybe tell her and your husband that you will play it by ear, but that they both need to respect your decision if you decide that you want more privacy for ANY reason at any point. Good luck!
ETA: ignore that I said MIL and your husband, ha. I meant SO!
DS2 due 12/12/18
After talking with MIL, I'm not sure how comfortable she was being there. She didn't volunteer to join us again this round but is going to watch DS. So there's that too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our family of 5 is complete!! Love our boys!
Be selfish, at the end of the day its your body no one else can tell you who to be comfortable with.
I mean, surely your SO would understand like this: "imagine lying on a table with your legs in stirrups and pushing out a poop while my father is in the room, dear – are you comfortable with that?" Bc that is the exact equivalent of what he's insisting upon, and frankly I find that mind-boggling.
March 2016 siggy: babies - expectation vs reality
Brian's Whovian wife (5/'09)
Autism mama!
If that happens, it'll likely be his dad.
Well personally, my first concern would your child. From a medical point of view, what is best for you, is best for baby. If the thought of your MIL's presence is already stressing you out this much, it's causing your baby stress which is not a good thing. Maybe you can try a factual argument with your partner's emotional response. If you are not comfortable whilest giving birth, your labour could actually slow down, or your stress levels could effect the baby's heart rate etc. Maybe everyone will accept the situation if you explain that no matter how much you want to be considerate for your MIL's wishes, the health of your baby comes first.
You're the one in the drivers seat, and it is your responsibility to deliver a healthy baby, so if your MIL'S sitting in the back seat puts you at risk of crashing... don't let her join the ride! Sorry for the sucky metaphor. I hope they will understand. And if they don't, I hope you can accept that and be OK with them not being OK with it. Good luck!
March 2016 siggy: babies - expectation vs reality
Brian's Whovian wife (5/'09)
Autism mama!
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i have a childcare essentials class starting Jan. 18th at the hospital i want to deliver at so I'm going to ask them then (:
Labor is not easy in the least, usually you cannot even think clearly during the process, so I'd suggest figuring this out soon. There is some great advice from the other posts, hopefully after you get the hospital's policy, you can have a reasonable conversation with your husband and agree on something. Even though your husband is the dad, it will be you going through the pain etc, so you only want people in the room who make you comfortable and who are supportive, and it doesn't sound like your MIL qualifies. You definitely don't want any extra stress on your labor day.
I just want to add that after you make your decision, write it in a birth plan or make sure your nurse knows/writes down who is allowed in the room and when. Your nurse will be your advocate and will tell people they are not allowed in or when they have to leave, especially when you are unable to tell them yourself or feel uncomfortable to kick people out. This also works after delivery with visitors! My nurse even told me to give a little signal to her when I wanted her to kick people out