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November 2015 Moms
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Am I the only one whose husband is no longer stepping up?

doodleoodledoodleoodle member
in November 2015 Moms
DH was great with LO for a couple of weeks, but he's steadily gotten less and less involved. It's to the point now that he holds/takes care of her a total of 1-2 hours a day at most. Can anyone relate or share how they've overcome this? Of course I love my baby and know no one can care for her the way I do and so I don't mind doing the lions share of the work. However, she is currently going through a phase of having a hard time getting/staying asleep and I am exhausted.
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Re: Am I the only one whose husband is no longer stepping up?

  • itstheblackwidowbabyitstheblackwidowbaby member
    Only my sympathies. I feel like a single mom 98% of the time. He's had to work late and some weekends this past month, go figure. Can you maybe come up with some non-baby things for him to do so that you at least only have the baby to take care of? Or make him take the two feedings before work so you can get some sleep?
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  • doodleoodledoodleoodle member
    @itstheblackwidowbaby good idea on taking a backseat with the housework.

    @dramaphile I've made a big deal about it twice now. Afterwards he helped for a couple of days. I'll try positive reinforcement. Good idea.
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  • lrjac12lrjac12 member
    Same here. My SO hasn't even seen our LO in a full week. Our relationship has been a little rocky since she was born because he literally refused to change any diapers and I'm strictly breastfeeding so he can't really help much. I decided to come to my mom's because I was going through the baby blues and was receiving no help/support from him. Now it's been a week and he hasn't even tried to come see her. Let's just say, it's been difficult and disappointing to say the least.
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  • AmoLovesAudAmoLovesAud member
    I'm there too. DH will take LO for an hour at most, and not even every night. We had a major fight the other day, he said I don't do enough nice things for him, and he considers watching the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower doing a nice thing for me. Meanwhile, he doesn't want me leaving the house alone with her, or using the video monitor so I can leave the room while she naps, or even swaddle her properly so she sleeps more soundly. He also whines about not getting enough sleep for work, but he regularly talks with friends on the phone for hours, and plays on his phone when he does go to bed. He said last week that he wished he could stay home with the baby all day, bc it's 100 times easier than going to work. I about punched him for that.

    Sorry to husband-bash, but I needed to get that off my chest.
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  • mmmynyxmmmynyx member
    edited December 2015
    @AmoLovesAud @lbedolla MY HUSBAND IS EXACTLY LIKE THIS. He got the new PS4 Star Wars edition the day we came home from the hospital and didn't stop playing it all day. That's all he did. And when I'd ask him to hold her he would play and hold her. He also complains to his coworkers that he gets no sleep even though I'm the one waking up every night taking care of her and all he does is sleep through her crying. He is literally dead asleep through her crying. No sleep my ass!
    I am also at my mother's house because of the lack of support I've been getting this past month. He was so good while we were at the hospital but once we got home he just became totally useless. It hurts so much because I have dealt with depression my whole life (since elementary school) and I'm scared that's the hole I'm falling back into. I thought he'd be more supportive since he's been through it with me at its most severe points. I've spoken to him about before Eris was born and just yesterday we had a huge argument over the phone about it. I was bawling my eyes out and he was just silent the whole time. I was so hurt.
    So OP you're not alone. I hope that it gives you some comfort that not everyone's husband's have been or stayed supportive. It sucks that we've practically become single moms...thank goodness for family... :disappointed:
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  • grapesoda1111grapesoda1111 member
    im sorry you ladies are having issues, but I'm glad I'm not alone!

    Pregnancy Ticker
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  • AmoLovesAudAmoLovesAud member
    itstheblackwidowbaby said:

    AmoLovesAud said:

    I'm there too. DH will take LO for an hour at most, and not even every night. We had a major fight the other day, he said I don't do enough nice things for him, and he considers watching the baby for 20 minutes so I can shower doing a nice thing for me. Meanwhile, he doesn't want me leaving the house alone with her, or using the video monitor so I can leave the room while she naps, or even swaddle her properly so she sleeps more soundly. He also whines about not getting enough sleep for work, but he regularly talks with friends on the phone for hours, and plays on his phone when he does go to bed. He said last week that he wished he could stay home with the baby all day, bc it's 100 times easier than going to work. I about punched him for that.

    Sorry to husband-bash, but I needed to get that off my chest.

    So where's his body hidden?
    LOL, I'm not far from it. We're supposed to sit down and talk through all our issues this weekend, when we're not (too ) sleep deprived and tension isn't as high. I'm planning to tell him that he has to step up a LOT if he doesn't want Kiddo to be an only child, because there is absolutely no way I can do this all myself and take care of an older child with no support from him. Especially since VBACs are off the table for me, any more kids means repeat c sections which means recovering from surgery while doing all this. I've been up and doing everything for this kid since 12 hours after my cs, and it's really slowed down my recovery,I'm not doing that again.
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  • thefithuntressthefithuntress member
    Bless your hearts, ladies.

    My husband and I have a set schedule so it's super black and white. Granted, if one of us is on the verge of a breaking point or needs to go out and run an errand, work late, has an appointment, etc, it's a little flexible.. However, for the most part, there are solid times we can both depend on to get rest and be alone to do what we need to do. It's worked well for us and Miss B! 




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  • kmd91kmd91 member
    doodleoodle said:

    It's nice to know I'm not alone, but I'm sorry you guys are going through this too!

    @kmd91 you're exactly right that it's his baby too. I recently realized that if I hand the baby to DH so that I can shower or if he changes a diaper that I thank him. He never thanks me, of course and he shouldn't because it's something that we signed up for.

    I did take the advice of positive reinforcement. I handed DH a screaming baby and when he calmed her down I told him how great he is with her and then made him a snack and a dessert. Lol shameless.

    Same here with the thanking thing. I find myself thanking him for the littlest things he does to help, but I get no recognition for all that I do. To a degree I can say that this is my "job" since he works and I don't. But he gets time off and our child needs cares for 24/7. So it'd be nice for me to just get a little break for me time every now and again.
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  • HeatherFaye718HeatherFaye718 member
    I feel like he really only falls short on the weekends during the night. Which is actually really frustrating. I give him a break during the week because he works and I can usually handle the evenings just fine. But when it is a Friday night and I'm beyond exhausted and I'm feeding your primarily formula fed son a bottle...don't you think you could just say "hey let me do that, get some sleep"
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  • chein1chein1 member
    HeatherFaye718 said:

    I feel like he really only falls short on the weekends during the night. Which is actually really frustrating. I give him a break during the week because he works and I can usually handle the evenings just fine. But when it is a Friday night and I'm beyond exhausted and I'm feeding your primarily formula fed son a bottle...don't you think you could just say "hey let me do that, get some sleep"

    This. The whole reason I don't breastfeed is to share the work and ability to sleep but somehow feedings are still all me. Wtf!
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  • keallenrmtkeallenrmt member
    I feel your pain ladies. DH was awesome at the hospital and now I have to practically yell at him to get him to do anything for LO. 3 times yesterday I asked him to take her and see why she was screaming as I had DD1 having a meltdown in my lap. He also complains that he's not getting any sleep but I'm the one who gets up with her at night. So frustrating.
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  • mrsmackenmrsmacken member
    My DH is the same way he literally does nothing all week and weekend, im a stay at home mom so i dont mind doing everything all week but during the weekend i feel like he should take some responsibility but its like pulling teeth at times to get him to do anything i honestly dont even bother asking sometimes. We got into an argument last weekend because i was tired and he decided to call me lazy and go on to say how im the one who wanted this and that he would love to stay home and not work because its easy to take care of a baby compared to his job... He doesnt even realize how much i do on how little sleep i get and i ask him to little things around the house and he strait up says no because thats not his job. If not for my parents help i would have had a mental breakdown by now. I dont think i would ever want to have another child especially with a toddler to take care of too, if it werent for the help of my family, because his uselessness is cause to never want another baby.
    Sorry about my rant but i thought i was alone in not recieving any help from dh.
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  • TacoSarahTacoSarah member
    Elliott's father stopped stepping up when I was 4 weeks pregnant. Elliott is now 7 weeks old. He's never seen him or asked to see him or even asked how he is. And he's refusing to pay child support so not even stepping up financially.

    I doubt he'll even buy his son a Christmas gift.
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  • itstheblackwidowbabyitstheblackwidowbaby member
    I was wondering about you and your LO the other day @TacoSarah. I'm sorry he's still being a douchecanoe. At least Elliot will always know where he stands with his dad as sad as that is.
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  • wulfpackgirlwulfpackgirl member
    My husband is pretty helpful but could help out more if he'd put his cell phone and laptop down. He is obsessed with looking at fantasy football. Must be nice to have so much time to devote to something so useless.
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  • doodleoodledoodleoodle member
    wulfpackgirl said:

    My husband is pretty helpful but could help out more if he'd put his cell phone and laptop down. He is obsessed with looking at fantasy football. Must be nice to have so much time to devote to something so useless.

    Yes! I'm so freaking sick of fantasy sports. I thought season long fantasy was bad until he started playing Fan Duel. I'm secretly hoping daily fantasy will be outlawed as gambling.
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  • stephaniechen82stephaniechen82 member
    edited December 2015
    Hi! Lurking from D15! So sorry to read some of these. If you can possibly get SO to watch baby and then you leave to do 'errands' and let him get a taste of what it's like having baby solo for an extended period of time, do it. It was completely eye opening for my husband. BUT he was doing great and willing to help before hand. It was that first time with me away for about 6 hrs that really made him see just how hard it is. And then you can throw in...' I take care of baby,AND manage to take care of everything else too.' Still think we should trade jobs? Maybe that's a bit much, but you get my point. I hope things change for you all. The first few months can be really tough on a relationship.
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  • MercyC1130MercyC1130 member
    He has done nothing. Then tonight he told me all I do was hang out and watch t.v...
    I'll have a show on the laptop when I'm folding clothes. I'll have it on when lo is cluster feeding and eating/falling asleep on my boob for an hour or so straight.
    When my baby does sleep, I might sleep for some of his nap, then I'm literally scurrying around trying to keep up with things.
    I don't know why I'm explaining what I do to you ladies, you're in the same boat.
    It's frustrating that not only he does nothing to help, but then thinks what I do isn't much.
    He barely even holds him. That's really the worst part.
    I agree with a pp, I think my baby might be an only child. Haha.
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  • char4656char4656 member
    I literally HATE my husband right now! He's been sleeping in a guest bedroom downstairs because DD is a terrible sleeper. This was fine at first but I need sleep too as I have a 2 year old as well so sleeping during the day when the baby sleeps is out of the question. Even on weekends he doesn't offer to switch it up. I'm very irritable and basically just letting my toddler watch tv all day due to being soooo exhausted and sleep deprived. Yesterday, he sent me a text while he was at work saying he'd take the baby that night so I could rest. But at about 9:30pm he offered to make me a bottle for her and told me goodnight. Off he was! Downstairs sleeping like a full grown snoring baby himself. I was at a loss for words. We haven't spoken since. Ha!
    Seriously don't know how much more I can take.
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  • doodleoodledoodleoodle member
    @char4656 I would ask him if he'd help a little with the baby on Friday and then put the bassinet in the guest room and put the baby to bed in there. I'd say something like, "I'm so excited you're taking care of our baby tonight so that I can finally get some sleep."
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  • char4656char4656 member
    Good idea! ;-)
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  • mcdoug211mcdoug211 member
    rachswi said:

    DH plays clash of clans and he always seems to be attacking someone when I need him to take the baby. So usually that means I'm sitting there about to pee my pants while holding a crying baby. But by all means, capture that person's townhall or whatever.

    But he does a great job otherwise for the most part so I don't really need to complain. I'm on the bump all the time so I guess we all have our vices lol

    I hate clash of the clans it was hard to have a convo before baby! Lol the other night he said he needed to attack someone while baby was being fussy was I almost done I said no! He works a ton and is still helpful doin can't complain but I feel your pain
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  • tallgirlscvtallgirlscv member
    My husband was like that with our first 2 boys. A month into my pregnancy with our third son, he stepped out, literally. He left us for a homewrecker and is now calling her kids his own. The only advice I can give you is appreciate what little you can get from your husband because it could always be nothing at all. Good luck!
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  • sadyy131sadyy131 member
    My SO is driving me nuts with this. At first I felt like I couldn't contribute to this thread because since he works full time overnight, I try to give him his rest during the day. But since he's had the last couple weeks off, all he still does is sleep. I just went back to work and I bring my LO with me since I'm a nanny. So I'm literally with her 24/7 and if she doesn't sleep at night, I don't sleep night or day. Asking SO to rock her at night feels like a chore. I'm so beyond frustrated and then today he mentioned how the dishes haven't been washed in 2 days. I then reminded him that if he eats dinner, they are his dishes too. But lone behold, I came home tonight to a sink full of dishes and SO in bed sleeping.
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  • taykerslaketaykerslake member
    eamarat said:


    sadyy131 said:

    My SO is driving me nuts with this. At first I felt like I couldn't contribute to this thread because since he works full time overnight, I try to give him his rest during the day. But since he's had the last couple weeks off, all he still does is sleep. I just went back to work and I bring my LO with me since I'm a nanny. So I'm literally with her 24/7 and if she doesn't sleep at night, I don't sleep night or day. Asking SO to rock her at night feels like a chore. I'm so beyond frustrated and then today he mentioned how the dishes haven't been washed in 2 days. I then reminded him that if he eats dinner, they are his dishes too. But lone behold, I came home tonight to a sink full of dishes and SO in bed sleeping.

    Maybe I'm just mean but I probably would have put them in bed with him. :p

    Dishes in his dresser drawers. I've been known to do that.

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  • kmd91kmd91 member
    sadyy131 said:

    My SO is driving me nuts with this. At first I felt like I couldn't contribute to this thread because since he works full time overnight, I try to give him his rest during the day. But since he's had the last couple weeks off, all he still does is sleep. I just went back to work and I bring my LO with me since I'm a nanny. So I'm literally with her 24/7 and if she doesn't sleep at night, I don't sleep night or day. Asking SO to rock her at night feels like a chore. I'm so beyond frustrated and then today he mentioned how the dishes haven't been washed in 2 days. I then reminded him that if he eats dinner, they are his dishes too. But lone behold, I came home tonight to a sink full of dishes and SO in bed sleeping.


    This reminds me of one of the things about my husband that drives me nuts. So, I very rarely ask for help because I tend to feel like I'm capable of handling whatever. But since the baby it has been harder to keep up with the house and I'll get overwhelmed and my husband will say something like "if you need help with something, just tell me." Of course when I do ask for help its poor put upon him. But to the point, he says that he doesn't know what needs to be done if I don't tell him. Okay, to a degree I get that. But then I get "the dogs food is empty" while I'm holding our screaming child and he's playing games on his phone. Okay, yeah, sure dear, I'll go get the huge bag of dog food to pour into the container while juggling the baby in the other arm. Or he will point out how long it's been since the dishes have been done, or if clothes have been sitting waiting to be folded (which at least 75% of the clothes were his, if that counts for anything). So he is completely capable of noticing things that need to be done, but clearly his phone or call of duty every free moment he has is more important.
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  • char4656char4656 member
    @tallgirlscv I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how you must feel. To be cheated on is horrible no matter what, but to be cheated on while pregnant just seems like the most selfish cruel thing a "man" can do! I hope you have family and friends to help out with your sons. XOXO
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  • angelinthepit23angelinthepit23 member
    I'm ready to bitch slap DH. I got a migraine last night, so all I wanted was sleep. Not once did he offer to take a few feeding shifts, then this morning I could barely function as DS decided he was going to stay awake after his 5am bottle. So I go downstairs, looking like hell (DH was already up because he was working an open shift) and he says "what's wrong?" Oh I don't know, there is a tiny marching band in my head, and I got no sleep last night. His reply-"well I didn't get any sleep either because the baby kept waking me up." Seriously.... you got to lie in our warm bed and I had to get up and feed him, burp him, change his diaper and get him back to sleep. Fuck off! And of course DS is fighting naps today so I've had no chance to sleep.
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