Should I push?

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

When I first told my best friend I was pregnant, she offered to throw me a shower and asked if another of my good friends would help. That friend agreed and asked if another good friend would help. So I have three co-hostesses. My problem is that the shower is supposed to be January 9th and I know the last friend to be added to the co-host list hasn't been contacted by the others and the invites haven't gone out. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask questions about what's going on?

[Deleted User] · December 2015

Ehhhh I see why you might be concerned for your friend, but I wouldn't comment if I were you. They are adults, they will figure it out. Unless you have people flying in invites don't need to be out yet anyways.

Remember you're a guest. If someone was going to invite you to a wedding shower of a friend or something you wouldn't call the hosts up and ask about the details. Same thing.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

antoto said:

Ehhhh I see why you might be concerned for your friend, but I wouldn't comment if I were you. They are adults, they will figure it out. Unless you have people flying in invites don't need to be out yet anyways.

Remember you're a guest. If someone was going to invite you to a wedding shower of a friend or something you wouldn't call the hosts up and ask about the details. Same thing.

I do have people invited from out of state. Invites need to go out this week regardless. I just don't want them to get in a situation where they end up sending facebook invites. They originally asked if that would be okay with me and that is the one thing I was adamant about not doing. The original hostess invited people to her wedding via evites because she waited too long to mail.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

Ehhhh I see why you might be concerned for your friend, but I wouldn't comment if I were you. They are adults, they will figure it out. Unless you have people flying in invites don't need to be out yet anyways.

Remember you're a guest. If someone was going to invite you to a wedding shower of a friend or something you wouldn't call the hosts up and ask about the details. Same thing.

I do have people invited from out of state. Invites need to go out this week regardless. I just don't want them to get in a situation where they end up sending facebook invites. They originally asked if that would be okay with me and that is the one thing I was adamant about not doing. The original hostess invited people to her wedding via evites because she waited too long to mail.

Yikes I really hope she doesn't do that for the shower! Maybe you could say something casually like "I can't wait to see the invites!" but I would stay away from directly asking questions. You get the shower you get. If you're concerned about OOT guests you can just let them know the date, location, and time and they should be fine just with that info.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

antoto said:

Yikes I really hope she doesn't do that for the shower! Maybe you could say something casually like "I can't wait to see the invites!" but I would stay away from directly asking questions. You get the shower you get. If you're concerned about OOT guests you can just let them know the date, location, and time and they should be fine just with that info.

That's the problem...I don't even know the location myself! I've had two other people offer to throw one and I'm almost to the point that I'm going to give them the go-ahead and tell these first two to forget it.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I kind of want to elaborate. I have planned 4 different baby showers. All four of those women have been very different. Two of them were super pushy about certain things (not etiquette related stuff like your concerns, but other stuff) and it drove me up the WALL. Here I was trying to give something to them by planning the shower and them being pushy/demanding felt like I was their slave instead of their friend. So even though you have totally valid concerns I still think it's rude to tell them what to do/ push/whatever. I think it's okay to make careful, pointed comments (like the one I mentioned above about the invites) but to give them direction or commands... it's just too far.

The women who I gave showers to who were gracious and let me do my thang I really felt so amazingly good about giving them showers. Especially the first shower I threw probably wasn't perfect. Probably none of them have been perfect, but it was so sweet to have my friend be truly thankful for all my efforts.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

Yikes I really hope she doesn't do that for the shower! Maybe you could say something casually like "I can't wait to see the invites!" but I would stay away from directly asking questions. You get the shower you get. If you're concerned about OOT guests you can just let them know the date, location, and time and they should be fine just with that info.

That's the problem...I don't even know the location myself! I've had two other people offer to throw one and I'm almost to the point that I'm going to give them the go-ahead and tell these first two to forget it.

Do you know the city it will be in? That's a question I think would be totally fine to ask. "Hey my family wants to know where they will need to go - where specifically or what area will the shower be?"

Edit - and I think it might be a friendship ending move to tell someone that after you accepted their offer you are rejecting their shower. Even if they haven't put any work into it that's pretty cold. If a friend did that to me I would be soooooo hurt.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

antoto said: I kind of want to elaborate. I have planned 4 different baby showers. All four of those women have been very different. Two of them were super pushy about certain things (not etiquette related stuff like your concerns, but other stuff) and it drove me up the WALL. Here I was trying to give something to them by planning the shower and them being pushy/demanding felt like I was their slave instead of their friend. So even though you have totally valid concerns I still think it's rude to tell them what to do/ push/whatever. I think it's okay to make careful, pointed comments (like the one I mentioned above about the invites) but to give them direction or commands... it's just too far.
The women who I gave showers to who were gracious and let me do my thang I really felt so amazingly good about giving them showers. Especially the first shower I threw probably wasn't perfect. Probably none of them have been perfect, but it was so sweet to have my friend be truly thankful for all my efforts.

----------------------------------------------qbf---------------------------------------------------One of them commented that she wasn't going to plan the Pinterest worthy shower she knew I was expecting, but literally the only thing I was adamant about was mailed invites instead of Facebook invites. I don't expect hand-made decorations or anything of the sort. I just want them to send the damn invites this week. I'm appreciative of them wanting to do this, but I know how badly the one procrastinates and she's responsible for getting the venue.

I will say that I'm usually a control freak and if I were doing this for someone else, I would have already had the invitations ready to go and probably everything purchased or ordered. I'm trying really, really hard not to be controlling over this. Honestly. I haven't asked anything about anything. I just feel like I'm in limbo here not knowing whether it's happening or not.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

I kind of want to elaborate. I have planned 4 different baby showers. All four of those women have been very different. Two of them were super pushy about certain things (not etiquette related stuff like your concerns, but other stuff) and it drove me up the WALL. Here I was trying to give something to them by planning the shower and them being pushy/demanding felt like I was their slave instead of their friend. So even though you have totally valid concerns I still think it's rude to tell them what to do/ push/whatever. I think it's okay to make careful, pointed comments (like the one I mentioned above about the invites) but to give them direction or commands... it's just too far.

The women who I gave showers to who were gracious and let me do my thang I really felt so amazingly good about giving them showers. Especially the first shower I threw probably wasn't perfect. Probably none of them have been perfect, but it was so sweet to have my friend be truly thankful for all my efforts.

----------------------------------------------qbf---------------------------------------------------One of them commented that she wasn't going to plan the Pinterest worthy shower she knew I was expecting, but literally the only thing I was adamant about was mailed invites instead of Facebook invites. I don't expect hand-made decorations or anything of the sort. I just want them to send the damn invites this week. I'm appreciative of them wanting to do this, but I know how badly the one procrastinates and she's responsible for getting the venue.

I will say that I'm usually a control freak and if I were doing this for someone else, I would have already had the invitations ready to go and probably everything purchased or ordered. I'm trying really, really hard not to be controlling over this. Honestly. I haven't asked anything about anything. I just feel like I'm in limbo here not knowing whether it's happening or not.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Box fail

I mean worst case scenario is they send an evite. While disappointing to you - is it worth telling your friends that you're rejecting their shower or hounding them and making them feel unappreciated?

They are obviously unorganized and that blows. Let yourself feel those feels, but then try to get over it.

For out of town people just have them fly into whatever city you live in. When all of you find out the exact location you can make further plans.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

antoto said:

I mean worst case scenario is they send an evite. While disappointing to you - is it worth telling your friends that you're rejecting their shower or hounding them and making them feel unappreciated?

They are obviously unorganized and that blows. Let yourself feel those feels, but then try to get over it.

For out of town people just have them fly into whatever city you live in. When all of you find out the exact location you can make further plans.

I don't plan and never planned to hound them. Just maybe ask if there's anything they need my help with.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

I mean worst case scenario is they send an evite. While disappointing to you - is it worth telling your friends that you're rejecting their shower or hounding them and making them feel unappreciated?

They are obviously unorganized and that blows. Let yourself feel those feels, but then try to get over it.

For out of town people just have them fly into whatever city you live in. When all of you find out the exact location you can make further plans.

I don't plan and never planned to hound them. Just maybe ask if there's anything they need my help with.

You shouldn't really be doing anything for your own shower, but it's fine to make kind, patient, well thought out comments/questions. You obviously wouldn't do your own invites, and since that's really the only thing you're super bothered by there's not much you can do

It will end up being fine. One way or another there will be a shower and you will have fun with your friends and family.

I'm super obsessively organized and like to plan ahead so I know how you're feeling. I felt like that for my bridal shower. Try to resist it - just focus on all the positive. Something along the way will probably not be perfect - you have no control over it so tryyyyy not to stress.

PrimRoseMama · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

When I first told my best friend I was pregnant, she offered to throw me a shower and asked if another of my good friends would help. That friend agreed and asked if another good friend would help. So I have three co-hostesses. My problem is that the shower is supposed to be January 9th and I know the last friend to be added to the co-host list hasn't been contacted by the others and the invites haven't gone out. Would it be inappropriate for me to ask questions about what's going on?

Yes.

Let them handle it. Your job is to show up, look pretty and stuff your face.

dufferoo · December 2015

I'd stay out of it. It's a month away; not exactly crunch time. You realize a shower is just a little trifling event, right? If out-of-towners are really blowing up your phone in desperation to nail down flight details (which seems crazy to me, for a simple shower that they haven't even been invited to yet), then just refer them to your hosts.

satuttle1014 · December 2015

I'm the opposite of most people but I don't think it would be a bad idea to politely ask how details/planning is coming along. Nothing wrong with that and you can always mention a couple of guests have asked about it, maybe that will help them send out the invites! I would go crazy since I'm a planner if invites have not been sent out. The shower is not a surprise so you should know something, like date, time and location.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

satuttle1014 said:

I'm the opposite of most people but I don't think it would be a bad idea to politely ask how details/planning is coming along. Nothing wrong with that and you can always mention a couple of guests have asked about it, maybe that will help them send out the invites! I would go crazy since I'm a planner if invites have not been sent out. The shower is not a surprise so you should know something, like date, time and location.

Every time I have planned a shower the MTB didn't know the time/location until they got the invite in the mail. The MTB is a guest and gets to find out that info just like all the other guests, she's not a host.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

@dufferoo - they have already been invited by my fiances mom. They won't be flying in, though, they'll be driving. Invitations are supposed to be sent out 4 weeks ahead which is this week. I have friends in town who are asking me if they missed it because other pregnant friends of ours have already had their showers.

@satuttle1014 - The only thing I know is that it's supposed to be January 9th. I don't know anything else and that is driving me crazy.

@primrosemama - I guess I'm concerned that it's not going to happen. (don't flame me too much here) My shower for my first I was fresh out of high school and didn't really have any friends. I think 5 people showed up including my mom who hosted it. Now 20 years later, I have a much larger circle and have been really looking forward to this since it was offered. I know this probably sounds greedy and I don't mean it to. It just means a lot to me that so many people want to be a part of my and my baby's life (which I also realize can and will happen with or without a shower). I just want some reassurances that I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing.

satuttle1014 · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

@dufferoo - they have already been invited by my fiances mom. They won't be flying in, though, they'll be driving. Invitations are supposed to be sent out 4 weeks ahead which is this week. I have friends in town who are asking me if they missed it because other pregnant friends of ours have already had their showers.

@satuttle1014 - The only thing I know is that it's supposed to be January 9th. I don't know anything else and that is driving me crazy.

@primrosemama - I guess I'm concerned that it's not going to happen. (don't flame me too much here) My shower for my first I was fresh out of high school and didn't really have any friends. I think 5 people showed up including my mom who hosted it. Now 20 years later, I have a much larger circle and have been really looking forward to this since it was offered. I know this probably sounds greedy and I don't mean it to. It just means a lot to me that so many people want to be a part of my and my baby's life (which I also realize can and will happen with or without a shower). I just want some reassurances that I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing.

That would drive me crazy. I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing the time and location. If it's not a surprise then what does it matter? Everyone says you are a guest which is half true, guest of honor, should be not be left in the dark.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

satuttle1014 said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

@dufferoo - they have already been invited by my fiances mom. They won't be flying in, though, they'll be driving. Invitations are supposed to be sent out 4 weeks ahead which is this week. I have friends in town who are asking me if they missed it because other pregnant friends of ours have already had their showers.

@satuttle1014 - The only thing I know is that it's supposed to be January 9th. I don't know anything else and that is driving me crazy.

@primrosemama - I guess I'm concerned that it's not going to happen. (don't flame me too much here) My shower for my first I was fresh out of high school and didn't really have any friends. I think 5 people showed up including my mom who hosted it. Now 20 years later, I have a much larger circle and have been really looking forward to this since it was offered. I know this probably sounds greedy and I don't mean it to. It just means a lot to me that so many people want to be a part of my and my baby's life (which I also realize can and will happen with or without a shower). I just want some reassurances that I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing.

That would drive me crazy. I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing the time and location. If it's not a surprise then what does it matter? Everyone says you are a guest which is half true, guest of honor, should be not be left in the dark.

Why would it drive you crazy?

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

@dufferoo - they have already been invited by my fiances mom. They won't be flying in, though, they'll be driving. Invitations are supposed to be sent out 4 weeks ahead which is this week. I have friends in town who are asking me if they missed it because other pregnant friends of ours have already had their showers.

@satuttle1014 - The only thing I know is that it's supposed to be January 9th. I don't know anything else and that is driving me crazy.

@primrosemama - I guess I'm concerned that it's not going to happen. (don't flame me too much here) My shower for my first I was fresh out of high school and didn't really have any friends. I think 5 people showed up including my mom who hosted it. Now 20 years later, I have a much larger circle and have been really looking forward to this since it was offered. I know this probably sounds greedy and I don't mean it to. It just means a lot to me that so many people want to be a part of my and my baby's life (which I also realize can and will happen with or without a shower). I just want some reassurances that I'm not getting my hopes up for nothing.

Just like a bridal shower is considered a welcoming to the married life, a baby shower is welcoming to motherhood. If you are being thrown a second shower I would say this is really a sweet bonus more than anything since you've been a mother for 20 years.

Get your hopes up that your friends and family will be there, you will be surrounded by love and support, you will eat food, get fun gifts, and you wont be let down if that's what you're hoping for. Because even if all three of these girls who love you all drop the ball and have literally planned NOTHING up to the day of the shower (I find this unlikely) then I'm sure someone at the very least will offer their living room and someone will order pizza.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

antoto said:

Just like a bridal shower is considered a welcoming to the married life, a baby shower is welcoming to motherhood. If you are being thrown a second shower I would say this is really a sweet bonus more than anything since you've been a mother for 20 years.

Get your hopes up that your friends and family will be there, you will be surrounded by love and support, you will eat food, get fun gifts, and you wont be let down if that's what you're hoping for. Because even if all three of these girls who love you all drop the ball and have literally planned NOTHING up to the day of the shower (I find this unlikely) then I'm sure someone at the very least will offer their living room and someone will order pizza.

It is a really sweet bonus and I double checked with one of the hostesses before I accepted because she's my etiquette fanatic friend. That's why I guess it bothers me that she hasn't sent invites, because she's the one that knows this stuff.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

Just like a bridal shower is considered a welcoming to the married life, a baby shower is welcoming to motherhood. If you are being thrown a second shower I would say this is really a sweet bonus more than anything since you've been a mother for 20 years.

Get your hopes up that your friends and family will be there, you will be surrounded by love and support, you will eat food, get fun gifts, and you wont be let down if that's what you're hoping for. Because even if all three of these girls who love you all drop the ball and have literally planned NOTHING up to the day of the shower (I find this unlikely) then I'm sure someone at the very least will offer their living room and someone will order pizza.

It is a really sweet bonus and I double checked with one of the hostesses before I accepted because she's my etiquette fanatic friend. That's why I guess it bothers me that she hasn't sent invites, because she's the one that knows this stuff.

Yeah that sucks. Maybe she will randomly surprise you and it will be in your mailbox today when you get home? I think one time I didn't send out invites until 3 weeks out because the printing shop took a long time printing them and shipping them. I hope she gets it together soon!!

PrimRoseMama · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

Just like a bridal shower is considered a welcoming to the married life, a baby shower is welcoming to motherhood. If you are being thrown a second shower I would say this is really a sweet bonus more than anything since you've been a mother for 20 years.

Get your hopes up that your friends and family will be there, you will be surrounded by love and support, you will eat food, get fun gifts, and you wont be let down if that's what you're hoping for. Because even if all three of these girls who love you all drop the ball and have literally planned NOTHING up to the day of the shower (I find this unlikely) then I'm sure someone at the very least will offer their living room and someone will order pizza.

It is a really sweet bonus and I double checked with one of the hostesses before I accepted because she's my etiquette fanatic friend. That's why I guess it bothers me that she hasn't sent invites, because she's the one that knows this stuff.

Inhale and exhale. You can send invites as close to the event as you want really. Though I like to give folks at least 2 weeks. She might have sent an evite (not my first choice, but still an invite) or extended the invitations by word of mouth (an even older way of doing it). You could just not be in the loop and the invites are going out this week. I understand you really want this thing to go off without a hitch (who doesn't?) but its really not your job to worry about any of this.

dufferoo · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

antoto said:

Just like a bridal shower is considered a welcoming to the married life, a baby shower is welcoming to motherhood. If you are being thrown a second shower I would say this is really a sweet bonus more than anything since you've been a mother for 20 years.

Get your hopes up that your friends and family will be there, you will be surrounded by love and support, you will eat food, get fun gifts, and you wont be let down if that's what you're hoping for. Because even if all three of these girls who love you all drop the ball and have literally planned NOTHING up to the day of the shower (I find this unlikely) then I'm sure someone at the very least will offer their living room and someone will order pizza.

It is a really sweet bonus and I double checked with one of the hostesses before I accepted because she's my etiquette fanatic friend. That's why I guess it bothers me that she hasn't sent invites, because she's the one that knows this stuff.

There is no etiquette rule that says baby shower invites should be sent out 4 weeks in advance. Seriously. I have memorized every Miss Manners book.

VOR · December 2015

antoto said:

satuttle1014 said:

I'm the opposite of most people but I don't think it would be a bad idea to politely ask how details/planning is coming along. Nothing wrong with that and you can always mention a couple of guests have asked about it, maybe that will help them send out the invites! I would go crazy since I'm a planner if invites have not been sent out. The shower is not a surprise so you should know something, like date, time and location.

Every time I have planned a shower the MTB didn't know the time/location until they got the invite in the mail. The MTB is a guest and gets to find out that info just like all the other guests, she's not a host.

Eh, if this works for your group, that's fine. But I feel the MTB is more than "a guest". She's the guest of HONOR and as you want to make sure she can be there, I think at least knowing the date and time is completely fine and normal. If the shower isn't a total surprise, I guess I actually find it odd to not want to tell the MTB those basic details.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

dufferoo said:

There is no etiquette rule that says baby shower invites should be sent out 4 weeks in advance. Seriously. I have memorized every Miss Manners book.

The Bump and many other sources say 4 weeks. Some say 6 weeks. Others say 3.

smount2011 · December 2015

I'm sure you could find a way to politely ask. I did just a couple days ago. Its the actual truth, but my excuse was to see if they had gone out yet because my grandmother (stepfather's mother) decided last minute to fly here for Christmas (don't know how long she is staying) but I thought it would be nice to give her an invite while she is in town even though I know she won't be here for it- so I wanted to see if she would send me an extra to hand to her.

And I wanted to be a little nosey- my cousin is still looking for a small venue to fit 30 guests at, so my invites haven't gone out yet.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

VOR said:

antoto said:

satuttle1014 said:

I'm the opposite of most people but I don't think it would be a bad idea to politely ask how details/planning is coming along. Nothing wrong with that and you can always mention a couple of guests have asked about it, maybe that will help them send out the invites! I would go crazy since I'm a planner if invites have not been sent out. The shower is not a surprise so you should know something, like date, time and location.

Every time I have planned a shower the MTB didn't know the time/location until they got the invite in the mail. The MTB is a guest and gets to find out that info just like all the other guests, she's not a host.

Eh, if this works for your group, that's fine. But I feel the MTB is more than "a guest". She's the guest of HONOR and as you want to make sure she can be there, I think at least knowing the date and time is completely fine and normal. If the shower isn't a total surprise, I guess I actually find it odd to not want to tell the MTB those basic details.

Oh good lord, the MTB always knew the date. Notice I said time/location. And I mean it's a shower so you can pretty much bank on it being somewhere about 11am-3pm. The specific venue is perfectly fine to keep secret from the MTB. She doesn't HAVE to know that before the invites go out. I think It's a nice surprise

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

dufferoo said:

There is no etiquette rule that says baby shower invites should be sent out 4 weeks in advance. Seriously. I have memorized every Miss Manners book.

The Bump and many other sources say 4 weeks. Some say 6 weeks. Others say 3.

You want to be aware of what those sources are. Miss Manners is generally considered to be the authority of etiquette. The reason why you have to be wary of other sources like The Bump and other is that the company that owns The Bump and other such websites also happens to sell a bunch of invitations/decorations/registry stuff etc. So they have this vested interest in suggesting you buy more/buy their stuff/whatever So they will push stuff like invites early and often. Not to mention no one working for the Bump has made etiquette their profession like Miss Manners has.

Example: Favors are never required, but sites like the Knot or The Bump (owned by the same company) will push them because they sell them and want you to buy their stuff. This has nothing to do with etiquette.

VOR · December 2015

antoto said:

VOR said:

antoto said:

satuttle1014 said:

I'm the opposite of most people but I don't think it would be a bad idea to politely ask how details/planning is coming along. Nothing wrong with that and you can always mention a couple of guests have asked about it, maybe that will help them send out the invites! I would go crazy since I'm a planner if invites have not been sent out. The shower is not a surprise so you should know something, like date, time and location.

Every time I have planned a shower the MTB didn't know the time/location until they got the invite in the mail. The MTB is a guest and gets to find out that info just like all the other guests, she's not a host.

Eh, if this works for your group, that's fine. But I feel the MTB is more than "a guest". She's the guest of HONOR and as you want to make sure she can be there, I think at least knowing the date and time is completely fine and normal. If the shower isn't a total surprise, I guess I actually find it odd to not want to tell the MTB those basic details.

Oh good lord, the MTB always knew the date. Notice I said time/location. And I mean it's a shower so you can pretty much bank on it being somewhere about 11am-3pm. The specific venue is perfectly fine to keep secret from the MTB. She doesn't HAVE to know that before the invites go out. I think It's a nice surprise

Yes, I realize you said time and location and I still contend that I find it odd that you wouldn't tell the MTB the time of day. Location - whatever. If you want it to be a surprise, have at it. Most showers I've been to have been at someone's home so there really isn't much special about it. But if you usually do nice venues, then I can see how that might be a nice surprise. But if the MTB knows the day, why not just tell her the time too? why does she need to wait until the guests find out?

I'm not saying this to be a jerk. I really just don't understand what's special about making the time of day a surprise.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

antoto said:

You want to be aware of what those sources are. Miss Manners is generally considered to be the authority of etiquette. The reason why you have to be wary of other sources like The Bump and other is that the company that owns The Bump and other such websites also happens to sell a bunch of invitations/decorations/registry stuff etc. So they have this vested interest in suggesting you buy more/buy their stuff/whatever So they will push stuff like invites early and often. Not to mention no one working for the Bump has made etiquette their profession like Miss Manners has.

Example: Favors are never required, but sites like the Knot or The Bump (owned by the same company) will push them because they sell them and want you to buy their stuff. This has nothing to do with etiquette.

Emily Post says 3 weeks so I'll reserve my freak out for another week.

neverblushed · December 2015

The underlying thread in your replies is that you're not sure this shower is actually going to happen. It's not really the 4 weeks or the OOT guests: what you're really worried about is the possibility that they're going to drop the ball entirely and the shower won't happen.

I think you have to stop and ask yourself: Do I trust these friends? Are they the kind of people who would offer a shower and then completely just flake out? Or are they people who love and care about me but are less organized and on top of details than I am?

If you are not reassured after thinking about it that way, there is still one thing you can do. You can contact the hostesses and say, "Hey, we're a month out from the date we talked about, and I just wanted to check in with you all and see if there's any information you need from me." This should either prompt them to get the ball rolling OR prompt them to fess up and let you know that they can't throw the shower for you after all.

If their response is "Thanks - we've got everything we need! See you on the 9th!" then you can back off and let them handle it. If OOT guests contact you, refer them to the hostesses.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

VOR said:

antoto said:

VOR said:

antoto said:

satuttle1014 said:

I'm the opposite of most people but I don't think it would be a bad idea to politely ask how details/planning is coming along. Nothing wrong with that and you can always mention a couple of guests have asked about it, maybe that will help them send out the invites! I would go crazy since I'm a planner if invites have not been sent out. The shower is not a surprise so you should know something, like date, time and location.

Every time I have planned a shower the MTB didn't know the time/location until they got the invite in the mail. The MTB is a guest and gets to find out that info just like all the other guests, she's not a host.

Eh, if this works for your group, that's fine. But I feel the MTB is more than "a guest". She's the guest of HONOR and as you want to make sure she can be there, I think at least knowing the date and time is completely fine and normal. If the shower isn't a total surprise, I guess I actually find it odd to not want to tell the MTB those basic details.

Oh good lord, the MTB always knew the date. Notice I said time/location. And I mean it's a shower so you can pretty much bank on it being somewhere about 11am-3pm. The specific venue is perfectly fine to keep secret from the MTB. She doesn't HAVE to know that before the invites go out. I think It's a nice surprise

Yes, I realize you said time and location and I still contend that I find it odd that you wouldn't tell the MTB the time of day. Location - whatever. If you want it to be a surprise, have at it. Most showers I've been to have been at someone's home so there really isn't much special about it. But if you usually do nice venues, then I can see how that might be a nice surprise. But if the MTB knows the day, why not just tell her the time too? why does she need to wait until the guests find out?
I'm not saying this to be a jerk. I really just don't understand what's special about making the time of day a surprise.

I mean I guess if the MTB ever asked I would just tell her? The time is obviously not the surprise, the venue is. I don't think I've ever had a MTB be like freaking out about exactly what time the shower is. It's a shower. It's going to be between 11am and 3pm. I'm currently working on my 5th shower planning and I have yet to have an MTB ask me about the time of day. Not really keeping the time a secret so much as it's unlikely that the exact hour will be crucial information. Like is she scheduling a brazillian for the early morning or something?

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

neverblushed said:
The underlying thread in your replies is that you're not sure this shower is actually going to happen. It's not really the 4 weeks or the OOT guests: what you're really worried about is the possibility that they're going to drop the ball entirely and the shower won't happen.

I think you have to stop and ask yourself: Do I trust these friends? Are they the kind of people who would offer a shower and then completely just flake out? Or are they people who love and care about me but are less organized and on top of details than I am?

If you are not reassured after thinking about it that way, there is still one thing you can do. You can contact the hostesses and say, "Hey, we're a month out from the date we talked about, and I just wanted to check in with you all and see if there's any information you need from me." This should either prompt them to get the ball rolling OR prompt them to fess up and let you know that they can't throw the shower for you after all.

If their response is "Thanks - we've got everything we need! See you on the 9th!" then you can back off and let them handle it. If OOT guests contact you, refer them to the hostesses.

You're right. That is my concern. The original friend is a super procrastinator whom I had to force to go buy a wedding dress a month before her wedding. The second is usually very organized but has had some personal issues the last several weeks and I could see that interfering. The third, they haven't even contacted yet even though they requested her info and she agreed to help.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

I ended up asking one of the hostesses if the shower was still on for that date and asked if there was a time yet because one of my fiances friends is wanting to have a daddy diaper party at the same time so he needs to know. It turns out that my fears were somewhat founded. There's no venue. There's no invitations. There's nothing. We're just over 3 weeks away. I think I need to go ahead and start accepting there quite possibly will be no baby shower.

goldie987 · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:
I ended up asking one of the hostesses if the shower was still on for that date and asked if there was a time yet because one of my fiances friends is wanting to have a daddy diaper party at the same time so he needs to know. It turns out that my fears were somewhat founded. There's no venue. There's no invitations. There's nothing. We're just over 3 weeks away. I think I need to go ahead and start accepting there quite possibly will be no baby shower.

I'm sorry your fears were confirmed. It's one thing for them to say it won't be a pintrest worthy shower (I believe you said that earlier but its late and insomnia brain may just be crazy) but its another entirely to drop the ball and have nothing 3 weeks out, especially if they gave you a date to give out to relatives. I hope they get it together and you have a decent shower, maybe not quite the shower you wanted but at least something.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

I ended up asking one of the hostesses if the shower was still on for that date and asked if there was a time yet because one of my fiances friends is wanting to have a daddy diaper party at the same time so he needs to know. It turns out that my fears were somewhat founded. There's no venue. There's no invitations. There's nothing. We're just over 3 weeks away. I think I need to go ahead and start accepting there quite possibly will be no baby shower.

Wow that's really crazy! I can't believe among 3 people they didn't pull ANYTHING together!! What did she say about it? I think it's fair at this point to ask them if this is happening at all...

Is something really insane happening in their lives that's preventing them from focusing on this, maybe? Or did they truly just not care? I want to believe the best of your friends, but this is pretty crazy.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

I have no idea what happened. I think the one doing the invitations just assumed the one booking the room actually booked the room. The one booking the room is a horrible procrastinator. They only contacted the third yesterday. Had I not said anything yesterday, another week would have gone by before the invitation sender figured out that we didn't have a venue since she's not sending them until next week.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

I have no idea what happened. I think the one doing the invitations just assumed the one booking the room actually booked the room. The one booking the room is a horrible procrastinator. They only contacted the third yesterday. Had I not said anything yesterday, another week would have gone by before the invitation sender figured out that we didn't have a venue since she's not sending them until next week.

Good lord. Really hoping your friends pull it together! Luckily a baby shower is pretty basic. With a decent amount of desire you can plan one in a very short amount of time. Keep us updated!

smount2011 · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

I ended up asking one of the hostesses if the shower was still on for that date and asked if there was a time yet because one of my fiances friends is wanting to have a daddy diaper party at the same time so he needs to know. It turns out that my fears were somewhat founded. There's no venue. There's no invitations. There's nothing. We're just over 3 weeks away. I think I need to go ahead and start accepting there quite possibly will be no baby shower.

Sorry hun. Hopefully things will get sorted out and quick!

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

charley15 said:
Sorry hun. Hopefully things will get sorted out and quick!

Me too. My fiances mom is not happy. Apparently she was kind of chewing him out last night because the shower is 3 weeks away and none of her friends have gotten invitations. I kind of think she thought I'd chosen not to invite them.

After I got home from school, he sort of jumped on me about it (like I have any control over it) and told me I needed to ask yet another person to help. He's already asked this person to help and I've already told her it's under control now. So I hope it really is under control.

neverblushed · December 2015

DrillSergeantCat said:

I ended up asking one of the hostesses if the shower was still on for that date and asked if there was a time yet because one of my fiances friends is wanting to have a daddy diaper party at the same time so he needs to know. It turns out that my fears were somewhat founded. There's no venue. There's no invitations. There's nothing. We're just over 3 weeks away. I think I need to go ahead and start accepting there quite possibly will be no baby shower.

Ugh. I'm sorry it's going down this way. Try not to feel too bummed, though. A shower isn't such a big deal. People close to you, including these friends, will still celebrate you becoming a mom when the baby is born.

I'd be very careful about trusting these friends in the future, though. It's pretty crummy to offer a shower, then not plan it, and not even have the nerve to face up and tell the MTB that it's not going to happen.

They may still think they're going to pull it off, though. If the friend is really as much of a procrastinator as you say, 3 weeks out may still seem "do-able" to her.

Should I push?

Re: Should I push?

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