Ok ladies I need advice. My sister-in-law was around 3-4 weeks behind me in pregnancy. We had a few disagreements in the beginning based of when and how to tell the family but we mostly got over that. Well Monday I got a text from my brother telling me they lost the baby. SIL had spotting went in for an ultrasound and they found an empty sack. This is their first miscarriage would have been their 3rd child. I feel so unbelievably bad and helpless at this point. I have tried taking their kids for a little while to give them a break, we cooked dinner the other night for them since they haven't been eating well. And I have told them if they need anything let me know. I had a talk with my husband about not telling them what is going on with our pregnancy as not to upset them, we had our 12 week ultrasound yesterday and everything seems perfect with our baby (which made me feel guilty). I am just not sure what to do when I get to were I can't hide things. We live in the same town and we are the only family each other have here, the rest of our family is in SC. If you were me what would you do in this situation?
Re: Advice needed...
I would say continue to offer support and help to your SIL as she and her family grieve, but follow her lead as to how involved she wants you to be. Depending on how she processes her heartbreak, it might be too painful for her to accept help and support from you especially as your pregnancy continues--try not to take that personally if that happens.
Perhaps once she's had a little time to initially process their loss, ask her about how/whether she wants you to share information about your pregnancy when it arises. Of course everyone is different, but if it were me, I imagine would still want to know how things are going wth my SIL's baby, though I would want those things shared with sensitivity and compassion.
I would also agree with letting her take the lead in what's shared as far as your pregnancy is concerned. If she asks - then I think you're safe to share, just be careful in the way that you approach it.
I'm sure your brother and SIL can already see how understanding you are to their situation and that in itself is probably so comforting to them.
I honestly have backed away some because I feel like I upset her even when I am not talking about the baby. I know I am just a constant reminder right now. I am waiting for her to come to me.
In the mean time I am making sure that other people are offering her lots of help and support. I have popped my head in every now and then and I can tell she doesn't want me to, but it's always just to say I am there for her whenever she is ready to talk to me or needs me.
Married 9/1/13
Off OCP 3/1/14
TTC 6/1/14
DX Endometriosis in 2002
Laparoscopy 2002 and 2007
HSG 8/2014, right tube partially blocked
1st BFP 1/5/15 EDD 9/12/15- miscarried 1/8/15
BFP 8/4/16 EDD 3/2/18- trisomy 18 girl- no heartbeat 8/25/17 at 13 weeks d&c 8/28/17
BFP 12/4/17 EDD 8/19/18
Married 9/1/13
Off OCP 3/1/14
TTC 6/1/14
DX Endometriosis in 2002
Laparoscopy 2002 and 2007
HSG 8/2014, right tube partially blocked
1st BFP 1/5/15 EDD 9/12/15- miscarried 1/8/15
BFP 8/4/16 EDD 3/2/18- trisomy 18 girl- no heartbeat 8/25/17 at 13 weeks d&c 8/28/17
BFP 12/4/17 EDD 8/19/18
@cmac827 are you able to be around her and the baby now? I am so scared that I and my baby are going to be a constant reminder for them. When they told me they were pregnant this was one of my worst fears was if something happened to either one of us!
Another issue right now is they are still going through it. They were going to try and wait for a natural ending but she has to go back in today to make sure it is not a tubal pregnancy. I have told them to keep me up to date and if they need me to watch the boys I will gladly take them for a while.
This is why I love this board by the way. I had no idea what to think or do with this situation and it is great to be able to ask strangers for advice and opinions!!
Married 9/1/13
Off OCP 3/1/14
TTC 6/1/14
DX Endometriosis in 2002
Laparoscopy 2002 and 2007
HSG 8/2014, right tube partially blocked
1st BFP 1/5/15 EDD 9/12/15- miscarried 1/8/15
BFP 8/4/16 EDD 3/2/18- trisomy 18 girl- no heartbeat 8/25/17 at 13 weeks d&c 8/28/17
BFP 12/4/17 EDD 8/19/18
I am taking their kids this weekend, she is going to take a pill to help pass everything today. I am going to wait until all this is done before speaking with them though, they have enough to deal with right now.
I just hate feeling so helpless in this situation!!!!!
Give her space like pp said. Tell her and mean it that you know she will need that space and to not feel guilty
Good luck with it all. My best friend has had many losses like me so i have to be gentle around her which doesnt bug me at all. Its hard tho
Come on Sticky baby!!
EDD 6/30/2016
EDD: 2/26/11 BORN: 2/15/2011
EDD: 2/23/2014 M/C 6/18/2013
EDD 6/25/2014 M/C 11/8/2013
M/C 4/20/2014
M/C 6/22/2014
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It sounds like you're being very understanding, so I'm sure she'll appreciate that! But also be prepared if she says she doesn't want to hear anything for a while. It was very hard for me at first to hear anything about my sisters pregnancy, but eventually it got better and now I'm happy for her and expecting my second. Good luck and props for being so thoughtful in a tough situation!