Another question on baby shower etiquette

Knottie13257900 · December 2015

I offered to throw my friend a shower and she graciously accepted. First of all, this is a shower for her second baby, which I know is not supposed to happen, but she kind of hinted that she wanted it, so I'll call it a "sprinkle" and consider it no big deal. She then asked if we could put on the invitation that no gifts are necessary but they would like contributions for diapers, a double stroller, and a photo session. I'm not personally a fan of registries but in my circles, it would be a little weird to have a shower and NOT give registry info...so I was prepared to do that. But asking for "contributions" poses a whole different problem. Is it MORE rude to ask people for cash/contributions than to put registry info? If so, how do I handle it without upsetting someone? Since the mother-to-be asked for it, I don't want to offend her either.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

A lot of the ladies here on the bump are very well versed in shower etiquette so I'll let them address what the Proper etiquette is for this situation. In my opinion though, if I were in your position, I would be extremely uncomfortable asking for "contributions" to anything. Personally, the way I would handle it would be to just (as gently as possible) tell your friend that you don't think it's appropriate or that you are uncomfortable asking for contributions and Maybe just suggest making a small registry. Also, if your friend absolutely wants to go this route maybe explain to her that people (for the most part) will majorly side eye contributing to a photo session because the purpose of the shower is to welcome a woman into motherhood by showering her with the essentials she will need as a new mom-- this definitely doesn't include newborn photo sessions.

Knottie13257900 · December 2015

It's been my experience that people will ask about registry info if you don't put it on the invitation. So maybe I can explain to my friend that when people ask me, I will ask for contributions to the things she wanted. I'm fine with telling people what she wants, if they ask. I just don't really feel comfortable putting it on the invitation.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

Registries are okay! Registries are great! They're not just a demand list for potential gift-givers, so stop that line of thinking. The problem is that your friend is asking for money which is supremely tacky. Her best bet would be to either set up a registry with the items she would like to receive and (I know Target does this) allow for people to purchase as a group. You're right to not want to put it on the invitation, but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for cash for her either.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

I would suggest not putting anything on the invitation. When people ask (and they will - they do every time in my experience) what she wants I think it's perfectly fine to let them know what she wants specifically or where she is registered. Asking for money is gross. Don't do that. People will go in on gifts all by themselves. You don't have to organize that.

I know a person who pretty much just asked for money and ended up spending the money on something else entirely. It made me so furious. Not saying your friend would, but that's PART of the reason why people get weirded out.

Knottie13257900 · December 2015

Tell me what you think of this idea: what if I phrased it as something like, "A few of us are getting a joint gift for XXX, so please let the hostess know if you would like to participate." So it's more like hey, a group of us are doing this and you can join if you want, versus "please bring cash"...even though in reality it's the same thing. What do you think???

Bigboobsmcgee · December 2015

Knottie13257900 said:

Tell me what you think of this idea: what if I phrased it as something like, "A few of us are getting a joint gift for XXX, so please let the hostess know if you would like to participate." So it's more like hey, a group of us are doing this and you can join if you want, versus "please bring cash"...even though in reality it's the same thing. What do you think???

I wouldn't even do that.

bsckgb7 · December 2015

Knottie13257900 said:

Tell me what you think of this idea: what if I phrased it as something like, "A few of us are getting a joint gift for XXX, so please let the hostess know if you would like to participate." So it's more like hey, a group of us are doing this and you can join if you want, versus "please bring cash"...even though in reality it's the same thing. What do you think???

You say that if people ask, but not on the invite itself. I personally would only do a "big gift" with people I know, because if most people give 50 bucks, then someone else can give $10 and get their name on the gift like an equal contributor. It's also awkward because you don't know what other people are donating.

I'm confused, does she want people to "contribute" to diapers by PURCHASING them as a gift or just contributing money to diapers?

Knottie13257900 · December 2015

bsckgb7 said:

I'm confused, does she want people to "contribute" to diapers by PURCHASING them as a gift or just contributing money to diapers?

Not sure...I don't even remember for sure that she said diapers. For sure she said double stroller and photo session.

Disneygeek77 · December 2015

Nope, don't even say that as it might put the guests in an awkward situation where they feel like they have to contribute. Just don't say anything about gifts in the invite. If people ask you can tell them her desires.

tripledaggerWed95976 · December 2015

Knottie13257900 said:
It's been my experience that people will ask about registry info if you don't put it on the invitation. So maybe I can explain to my friend that when people ask me, I will ask for contributions to the things she wanted. I'm fine with telling people what she wants, if they ask. I just don't really feel comfortable putting it on the invitation.

I personally would still suggest trying to do a small registry instead of contributions. However I understand your dilemma that you are also trying to please the mother to be... So I suppose If you're comfortable asking for the contributions when people call you to inquire about the registry then That's totally up to you- you're a very nice friend for doing that for her. No matter what you decide though, I would absolutely steer clear of mentioning any of it on the invites-- people will definitely just call you to ask.

I would also steer clear of suggesting grouped gifts to people as it can sometimes lead to akward or uncomfortable situations. There will probably be people who will take it upon themselves to set up group gifts, it's not your job as the hostess to have to set Up the gifting situations.

fwtx5815 · December 2015

The MTB has put you in a pretty awkward position, and with the expensive gifts she has in mind, this sounds like the opposite of a "sprinkle." From what I've heard, folks usually gift books, clothes, and small things like that for a second+ baby at a sprinkle.

Off the bat, I would say that a newborn photo session is totally not a registry appropriate thing and shouldn't even be hinted at in any way. That's something Mom & Dad need to save for on their own if they want it. I'm not saying it's inappropriate if someone were to offer that as a gift, but it's not okay for MTB to ask for it.

A small registry that includes the stroller and whatever diaper supplies she's wanting should be enough for people to understand that's all she really needs (should probably include a small variety of other stuff that will be useful, to give people options). And people can always give gift cards if they aren't feeling any of the things on the registry which can be put toward the stroller if she doesn't get it.

dufferoo · December 2015

Here's the official etiquette answer on this: Don't put anything about gifts on the invite. Period.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

fwtx5815 said:

The MTB has put you in a pretty awkward position, and with the expensive gifts she has in mind, this sounds like the opposite of a "sprinkle." From what I've heard, folks usually gift books, clothes, and small things like that for a second+ baby at a sprinkle.

Off the bat, I would say that a newborn photo session is totally not a registry appropriate thing and shouldn't even be hinted at in any way. That's something Mom & Dad need to save for on their own if they want it. I'm not saying it's inappropriate if someone were to offer that as a gift, but it's not okay for MTB to ask for it.

A small registry that includes the stroller and whatever diaper supplies she's wanting should be enough for people to understand that's all she really needs (should probably include a small variety of other stuff that will be useful, to give people options). And people can always give gift cards if they aren't feeling any of the things on the registry which can be put toward the stroller if she doesn't get it.

This. Just have her throw it on a registry. When people ask where she's registered tell them. Bam. Done.

Here's something I think sometimes needs to be pointed out - These are adults you are dealing with. They are intelligent and capable. They don't need anyone organizing group gifts for them or anything like that. Just tell them the location of the registry and let these intelligent, independent adults do the rest.

And the newborn photo shoot. That is NOT okay for her to ask for in any way. The only way that mighhhhht be maybe okay is if she's friends with a photographer who is attending the shower and the photographer asks her what she would like, If that's not the situation then nope nope nope to that.

Sassenach1743 · December 2015

antoto said:

fwtx5815 said:

The MTB has put you in a pretty awkward position, and with the expensive gifts she has in mind, this sounds like the opposite of a "sprinkle." From what I've heard, folks usually gift books, clothes, and small things like that for a second+ baby at a sprinkle.

Off the bat, I would say that a newborn photo session is totally not a registry appropriate thing and shouldn't even be hinted at in any way. That's something Mom & Dad need to save for on their own if they want it. I'm not saying it's inappropriate if someone were to offer that as a gift, but it's not okay for MTB to ask for it.

A small registry that includes the stroller and whatever diaper supplies she's wanting should be enough for people to understand that's all she really needs (should probably include a small variety of other stuff that will be useful, to give people options). And people can always give gift cards if they aren't feeling any of the things on the registry which can be put toward the stroller if she doesn't get it.

This. Just have her throw it on a registry. When people ask where she's registered tell them. Bam. Done.

Here's something I think sometimes needs to be pointed out - These are adults you are dealing with. They are intelligent and capable. They don't need anyone organizing group gifts for them or anything like that. Just tell them the location of the registry and let these intelligent, independent adults do the rest.

And the newborn photo shoot. That is NOT okay for her to ask for in any way. The only way that mighhhhht be maybe okay is if she's friends with a photographer who is attending the shower and the photographer asks her what she would like, If that's not the situation then nope nope nope to that.

All of this... both posts!

VOR · December 2015

So she "hinted" that she wanted a shower and now it's basically a fundraiser so that she can get a couple big ticket items? Klassy.

Anyhow - of the 2nd showers I've been invited to, honestly, I've just always gone small. If there wasn't a registry, then i just picked up an outfit for the baby. I may very much be in the minority on this but I go much simpler for a 2nd shower and I don't really worry about what to get. They already have a young child - they have most of the stuff they need.

If there is a registry, I'll look at it and see if there is something I'd like to get. If there isn't a registry, then an outfit it is. I'm going to assume they have most of the big stuff already and that this shower is more of an excuse to see friends and "celebrate the baby" than it really is about getting gifts.

So... if others look at it the way I do, you may not get as many calls as you think and the MTB may get a lot of little things.

DrillSergeantCat · December 2015

VOR said:

So she "hinted" that she wanted a shower and now it's basically a fundraiser so that she can get a couple big ticket items? Klassy.

Anyhow - of the 2nd showers I've been invited to, honestly, I've just always gone small. If there wasn't a registry, then i just picked up an outfit for the baby. I may very much be in the minority on this but I go much simpler for a 2nd shower and I don't really worry about what to get. They already have a young child - they have most of the stuff they need.

If there is a registry, I'll look at it and see if there is something I'd like to get. If there isn't a registry, then an outfit it is. I'm going to assume they have most of the big stuff already and that this shower is more of an excuse to see friends and "celebrate the baby" than it really is about getting gifts.

So... if others look at it the way I do, you may not get as many calls as you think and the MTB may get a lot of little things.

Which would probably be for the best. Then she can return them and use the cash for what she wants instead of alienating people by asking for the cash.

neverblushed · December 2015

I agree with others above. Tell her to go ahead and register for the stroller she wants, along with whatever brand of diapers she likes. Explain that people may want to give her gift cards towards the stroller or even pitch in and buy it together.

Asking for cash is totally inappropriate.

Mentioning gifts on the invite is inappropriate.

If she won't register, she'll just get whatever people are gracious enough to bring her, and she'll have to sort it out on her own.

Knottie1442268460 · December 2015

Agree with Pp. register for the items. She can figure out how to add photo shoot to the registry. I put "frozen dinners" on my Amazon registry. It was for our first & I didn't really want people spending money on us. They did. I got no frozen dinners.

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