STMs - how much time did your SO take off?

spatter1 · December 2015

So DH and I find ourselves in a bit of a tricky situation. He was recently offered a new job which will bring a little more money to our pockets and what seems like a lot more opportunity for him in his career. Because of this, taking the job seems like a no brainer. My worry is this though: the company doesn't have a parental leave policy and he will only have a few sick/vacation days accrued by the time the baby is born. For some reason I am completely freaked out about this! I had always envisioned that he would be able to be home with me and the baby for a week or so before going back to work but if he takes this new job it doesn't appear he'll have the time to do that. I'm also freaked out that if he depletes all his leave just on the birth that once I go back to work he won't have any days off of the baby is sick and can't go to daycare or help with doctors appointments etc. and all this will fall on me to use my limited time off.

I'm sure he could take unpaid leave but financially we can't afford that. There's always the chance that his boss is flexible and will let him work from home a few days but he just won't know until he's there. I guess my question is how much time did your SO take off after your baby was born and am I justified in being worried about this? I don't think it's a reason for him not to take the job... I'm just worried!

AmadorRose · December 2015

I think you're definitely justified in being worried about this and I was going to suggest unpaid leave until I read your last paragraph. It would be worth asking about half days or working from home; his new boss may even have better suggestions if he's done this in the past.
I'm a FTM and DH will be staying home with FD so I'm not a lot of help, I'm sorry! Is there a possibility that a family member could come stay with you for a couple of weeks? Even just to help with cleaning, cooking, etc., it would probably be a huge burden lifted in those first few weeks.

Jules08 · December 2015

DH stayed home with me the first week and then for 2-3 weeks after I went back to work. (However, he has 6 weeks of vacation.)

I think if your DH can stay home for the first 2-3 days, that would be okay. That will give time for you all to adjust and get into a routine. Now keep in mind that you likely won't be able to drive for at least a week after delivery (more if your OB advises or if you have a CS), so getting to PP checkups might be tricky.

sarahufl · December 2015

I am also a FTM, so I can't offer insight, but I can see why you are worried.

We are lucky that my H has a FAR better leave policy than I do- he gets 12 weeks, PAID vs. my 6 weeks paid (and up to 12, with the second 6 weeks unpaid with FMLA). I have no idea if he is taking that 12 concurrently or if he will spread it out, we haven't decided.

sprocketsngadgets · December 2015

DH took the three days that I was still in the hospital and that was it. Once Monday came (I was in the hospital Wednesday-Sunday) he went back to work. I will say that he does work from home, but I don't remember him helping me with anything during normal business hours.

Honestly, we both thought he was going to take off some of the first week we were home off, but all DD1 did was sleep, nurse, and soil diapers. He doesn't get any paid time off, so it seemed silly for him to lose the income just to watch her sleep all day. I even welcomed having to do laundry or cook a meal because there wasn't much to do.

[Deleted User] · December 2015

STM here - DH was able to take off about two weeks buuuut I found it a bit excessive. DD slept a ton at first. Yes every kid is different (fingers crossed 2.0 isn't TOO different!) so I can't vouch for your child, but there is a possibility it won't be necessary for your DH to take a ton of time. This time DH is taking a week and then another week in the summer (he is using vacation time), DD1 will be in preschool full time 5 days a week until the end of May, so this helps us BIG TIME this time around.

Maybe your DH can plan for the worst (working from home/taking unpaid week or so) but hope for the best in that you have a uncomplicated delivery and are back on your feet shortly.

Good luck!

jasmineahenderson · December 2015

DH took off five days for DS but still technically went into work to have those five days. This time he will most likely be underway when LO is born and won't be able to take off at all.

If you're looking for help if your mother or if you have a sister you can rely on can help that's my advice. My mother came when my son was born and that was the best because I could focus on the baby and she took care of all the cleaning and cooking so I didn't have to worry about that. Having a husband around is nice but unless yours is much different than mine he won't do all that. And if you are planning on breast-feeding there are some things other people just can't help with. You'll be spending a lot of time with baby that no one will be able to help you with.

littleredx2 · December 2015

DH always takes a week off with each of our kids. With our first though, he took the 2 days I was in the hospital and then went back to work (my mom stayed with me for a few days) and then took another few days the next week once my mom left. It was nice to have him there, but honestly wasn't needed. The baby sleeps so much during the day those first couple of weeks that we really had nothing to do and I was actually able to nap when DS1 napped at that point. Now if he could have taken off for a week about a month or 2 in, that would have been awesome lol.

Now that we have multiple children, I do need him to take the first week off mostly just to help with the older kids while I am unable to drive and such. So he will take a week off this time around, maybe a week and a few extra days depending on how delivery goes and how the older kids are adapting.

You are completely justified in being freaked out. I would have been too as a first time mom simply because you don't know what to expect with labor/delivery, recovery, having a new baby at home. However, it is completely doable, just probably not what any of us would prefer, as I know, I feel better just having DH there especially when I'm nervous about something.

spatter1 · December 2015

Thanks ladies! Your responses have made me feel a lot better (and a lot less crazy!). I was seriously in tears thinking about this... though it doesn't take much to get me to tears these days! My mom and MIL live in the same town in NJ about 3.5 hours away from us in DC. They are both retired and I know I can always ask for either of their help and they would be happy to be here, but like @littleredx2 said, something about my DH just makes me feel better to have him around. I do plan to breastfeed, so if that works out it sounds like a lot of the baby care will have to be me regardless. I guess I'll just have to talk to DH and make sure he knows he might need to step up for a bit in the dinner-making and chores department.

This whole new mom thing is just so scary! All I want to do is what's right for our baby and family and also try not to go completely crazy in the process

Thanks again and I'd still love to hear more "coming home" stories/plans and how it's worked for others!

amaniupendo · December 2015

Can he negotiate some time off before he accepts the job?

Mine took 2 weeks. It was more for him than me. I could have managed once we got home if I had to.

LynnJess29 · December 2015

My DD was born the beginning of December 2013. My husband was with me the two days in the hospital and the first day we were home. He was supposed to have 2 weeks off but unfortunately we had a horrible winter in Maine (snow plowing is part of his job) and with the weather was called back to work almost immediately. He did have a day or two during the two weeks off but we got a ton of snow (I think a little more than a foot during those two weeks) and he had to be gone.

DD was a pretty colicky baby and luckily my mom is nearby so she spent a lot of time with me during my maternity leave so that I was able to get a shower, eat, sleep, etc.

This time around my husband is planning on taking the two weeks. We are very grateful DD#2 is due in April so hopefully no snow storms! I think he might go a little nuts with so much time off but we also will have a 2 1/2 year old to take care of.

Good luck!!

rebelone · December 2015

MH took only the days I was in the hospital and went back to work the next day once I got out. It wasn't too bad for me, and that was even after having a C Section. I managed to get around the house with the baby just fine. My sister came over and helped here and there and I have a 17 year old also so the extra help was appreciated.

Ready4theParty · December 2015

DH took the week off after baby was born. He is self employed so his schedule was flexible. We also had my mom stay with us.

This time around my mom is staying with us and I expect that DH will hang out for a couple days as we transition but he will be getting busy with work so he can't be gone too long without it impacting our finances.

momofmanyinthemitten · December 2015

He was home for a week after each of them, but I would have been fine if he had had to go back earlier.

worldsokayestmom · December 2015

amaniupendo said:

Can he negotiate some time off before he accepts the job? Mine took 2 weeks. It was more for him than me. I could have managed once we got home if I had to.

This is my question. My DH recently just took a new job and starts in January. He made sure the employer knew that he would need two weeks off in April for baby no. 2. If this isn't possible, do you have any family that is close by? I'm just remembering that those first two weeks were the hardest, and I didn't really feel comfortable alone with DD until a month in. Of course, everyone is different, but it would be nice to have someone there for backup.

duendef · December 2015

DH took a half day on a Wednesday when I went into labor and then the other two days of the work week off and went back to work on Monday. That was just fine. My parents were with me for a few more days the following week. We had discussed him staying home one extra day after they left, but he didn't and DD and I were just fine. I think 3 days would be fine, especially if you have some extra help from your mom or MIL. Plus, it may fall next to the weekend giving you almost a total of 5-6 days which would be nice. You'll be surprised how little your DH may do. Just have him make sure there's food in the house easily accessible and all the necessities that you may need. He'll be more help running errands, cooking dinner, and giving you a small break to shower and rest in the evenings.

spatter1 · December 2015

He's talked to them about time off and all they are giving him is that he can "work it out with his boss" when he starts. Im hoping that means they are generally flexible but who knows!

cortney626 · December 2015

With my daughter my ex took off 2 days after coming home. I had my mom there since she had more time to take off. But even so I was driving right away after a c section. My mom used her time off to run more errands for herself than help me but I didn't need it.

This time around I'll be having a repeat c section and my husband asked if we could schedule it on a Friday. hahaha sometimes he's clueless. I said I'd prefer earlier in the week so we can come home for the weekend and he has those days off. He is basically his own boss but no one else can do his job. His whole team relies on him. Taking time off is just impossible. But he can work from home a little or change his hours a bit if I need him. But honestly, I rather have him to go the office instead of working from home.

Goldsgirl9 · December 2015

DH was for one week. I would have been fine with him going back to work sooner if I had not had a c section.

Somersky · December 2015

We are planning on DH taking the full 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA time, whether right at birth or broken up over time--not because I'll need him home necessarily but so he gets (nearly) equal bonding time right away. But I do understand your income predicament. Does your husband have accrued leave time at his current position? If so, I'd be very surprised (and suspect it might be illegal) if his employer wouldn't pay him for those days when he leaves. If he gets paid for those days, you could set that money aside to cover his unpaid time off at the new job.

One word of warning, however--I don't think FMLA job protection kicks in right away at a new job. I don't remember the waiting period, but if your hubby doesn't have enough time on the job by the time baby comes, you'll be completely at the mercy of his new employer as to whether he can even take unpaid time at all. That might be fine. Or not. Just something to be aware of. Also, just FYI, if either of you work in DC, you might be entitled to 16 weeks of unpaid job protection (like me!).

mrstrax · December 2015

DD was born on a Saturday night. We came home Monday morning and DH worked a half day Thursday and all day that Friday. So with us for 5.5 days, including a weekend.

Now that we will have a 22 month old to chase all day, I'm hoping we can manage two weeks of extra hands between DH, Mom and MIL.

.

spatter1 · December 2015

@Somersky you have to be employed somewhere for 1 year to qualify for FMLA and it would be unpaid for him. His current company doesn't have a PTO policy - they don't get a set number of sick/vacation days it's all up to the supervisor's discretion so he won't have a PTO payout when he leaves.

He's talking more the the recruiter to see if they can set it up like a previously planned vacation. He still would probably only take a few days because with me only getting half pay we need his full income. We're not struggling for money by any means, we just need both of our incomes to cover the bills and keep living comfortably especially not knowin exactly how much our expenses will increase with this LO.

I think it will be fine, especially hearing everyone else's stories/advice.

Mailmans Baby Momma · December 2015

Um, DH took off 6 weeks. I was a weenie. But ttc for over 6 years and being at the same job all that time allowed him to build up the days.

Not gonna lie, I loved him being off all that time with me. This time we are looking at him taking about two weeks.

pinottoparenthood · December 2015

My husband got a two week paternity leave and it was great, but he told me later that he was DYING to get back to work haha. You will be okay and make do with what you need to do. Honestly, I did the majority of baby care anyway, mainly because I was breastfeeding. Do you have family nearby that can keep you company and help with the baby for a little while when your husband goes back to work? Friends who can come over and keep you company? You'll be completely fine taking care of the baby by yourself, but it can get kind of lonely!

mrslarri2010 · December 2015

My DH has a union job. No paid time off, no vacation time, no holiday pay. He will stay with me at the hospital (all unpaid) and then go right back to work. But thankfully my parents are close and will be around to help with my two older boys until we get adjusted.

pinottoparenthood · December 2015

Jules08 said:

DH stayed home with me the first week and then for 2-3 weeks after I went back to work. (However, he has 6 weeks of vacation.)
I think if your DH can stay home for the first 2-3 days, that would be okay. That will give time for you all to adjust and get into a routine. Now keep in mind that you likely won't be able to drive for at least a week after delivery (more if your OB advises or if you have a CS), so getting to PP checkups might be tricky.

That's weird... I was able to drive.

JadaBlue · December 2015

Huh, I guess I was a needier first time Mom than most. In a weird bit of logic, while my husband has no paid parental leave, he can take his sick leave to care for me while I'm "incapacitated" from birth. So he was off with me for close to two months (longer than the usual recuperation period because we had to wait for the baby's visa to come through for us to return "home" from me delivering in the U.S.). I found his presence essential, but most importantly, us being DD's co-parents from the beginning ensured we didn't develop the dynamic where I was the all-knowing parent and he was my helper (which we wanted to avoid but of course others are fine with--to each their own). So while of course you and your LO will be okay even if your husband's time off is limited, like others I really encourage you to reach out for support wherever you might find it (family, friends, someone you pay). I would have struggled to do it on my own. Best wishes for finding the best solution for your family.

ivyvines6 · December 2015

Fiancé is planning on taking two weeks, but it'll be partially paternity leave, and vacation time. I hope him being home will actually be beneficial, and not just him annoying the crap out of me because he doesn't help very well now >.>

K&Elizabeth · December 2015

DH took a total of 4 days off. 2 were in the hospital and 2 at home. She was (conveniently) born on a Tuesday so then he got the weekend off and went back to work that Monday. I felt like it was plenty of time and really couldn't imagine him being there much longer. I was terrified to be home alone with her the first day but it all worked out!

loveymay · December 2015

I'm sorry OP that you are in this situation, it just makes me so angry that our country has no family leave policy to protect our citizens! Your husband shouldn't have to choose between taking a better job opportunity or staying home a measly week to help care for you and your newborn. I think though, in the long run this job is better, so he should take it. Hopefully his new boss will be a decent human being and let him have a few days/week off. Maybe they have a vacation policy that allows him to borrow" time that he hasn't accrued yet? I had a job once that allowed employees to do that. I also agree with others and see if you have family members who could help out if your husband is unable to take time off. I'm really sorry for this sucky situation but just think of it as a sacrifice now for a better future!

Poppy16 · December 2015

My husband has been at the same company for the last 10 years. He gets a standard one week paternity leave (which seems crazy short to me). Each time we've had a baby or adopted a baby (or when our daughters was in the ICU for a month), he negotiates extra work-from-home time. Thankfully they've been very understanding and allow him pretty much unlimited WFM time when he has a good reason. He just shifts his hours around so he can be with the family during the daytime.

Monicagail1 · December 2015

This is going to sound bad, but when DD1 was born, I don't really remember...At that time DH was starting a business, and worked primarily from home, so he was around, but still working I think. It wasn't too bad without much help from him, but luckily we have family and friends close by that could come by and help or give me a little break.

With DD2 he literally left me alone in the hospital a few hours after delivery to go back to work. I was less than thrilled about that. He basically worked full time+ (probably 60+ hours a week, including a lot of weekends) for my entire maternity leave, and my recovery was much more difficult, having had an emergency c/s with some post delivery complications and also having a two year old to care for. His reasoning was that, as a self employed small business owner, he gets no paid time off and has to work to "make money". I get that, BUT my job is by far our primary (only, really) source of income and my entire 11 week leave was paid. Our entire household budget is based on my income. So it wasn't like we weren't going to be able to pay our bills if he took some time off here and there to help more.

This time around I have no idea what he'll do. We haven't really talked about it yet. My hope is that he will at least commit to doing school drop off/pick up for our older kids for the first week or two. I imagine he will not take much formal time off, but probably won't be working as many hours as he was after DD2, now that his business is more established and he's not in the middle of some major projects.

Sorry, this sort of turned into a rant...

cmjenkies · December 2015

DH was off the night DS was born (Monday), maybe the second day, but the day I came home from the hospital (Wednesday), he had to work so a friend of ours brought us home.

This time around it will largely depend on when DD is born - DH is off Tues-Thurs. If it's over a weekend, he will probably only be able to take off one night. I don't think his company offers any paid paternity leave. Haven't checked. Wasn't really a big deal the first time around, and I don't anticipate it being an issue this time. I'd like for him to be home but we can't afford for him to take ANY unpaid time. IL's will be helping with DS a bit in the beginning I think.

spatter1 · December 2015

@loveymay thanks for the thoughtful words! It is so frustrating that paternity leave isn't standard in our country and I feel so bad for my DH that what should be an exciting opportunity for him has actually been pretty stressful in large part because of this. He signed his offer letter today so is definitely taking the job. He talked to the CFO who said that as long as he is upfront about the timing and plans accordingly they "should be able to work something out". I still don't love how non-committal it all is, but it's not worth losing this opportunity over.

We do have some friends in the area who I'm sure will be able to help here and there but they all work 9-5 jobs so no company for me during the day! Although, my best friend is due 2 months after me so we should have some overlapping time on our leave which could be nice. I'll talk to my mom over Christmas and see how she would feel about staying with us for a week or two after DH goes back to work. She loves to help so I'm sure she will; I just wish she was closer so it could be a little more casual that she just "swings by" instead of having to live with us (mostly b/c it will be a pain for her and my dad, not us!).

spicedice · December 2015

DH didn't take any time off when DS1 was born. He actually went to work later in the evening after we got home from the hospital. We plan on me taking as much time off as possible and then he is going to take a week off once I go back to work. His job has no PTO or sick time, so he can't really take a few days off after DS2 is born unless baby is born right before he has a day off.

Bubbles3592 · December 2015

I'm an FTM, but I already know my fiancé won't be able to take any time off when the baby is born. He hasn't worked there long enough to qualify for time off. In fact, if baby comes during the day, he may not even be able to be there. It will depend on if his boss can cover for him.

spatter1 · December 2015

Bubbles3592 said:
I'm an FTM, but I already know my fiancé won't be able to take any time off when the baby is born. He hasn't worked there long enough to qualify for time off. In fact, if baby comes during the day, he may not even be able to be there. It will depend on if his boss can cover for him.

Oh man that is shitty!! I hope it works out so he can at least be there for the birth!!

pinottoparenthood · December 2015

Bubbles3592 said:

I'm an FTM, but I already know my fiancé won't be able to take any time off when the baby is born. He hasn't worked there long enough to qualify for time off. In fact, if baby comes during the day, he may not even be able to be there. It will depend on if his boss can cover for him.

That should be illegal, seriously. He should take a sick day. I would be furious if my husband wasn't there for the birth of my child. Any kind of decent boss should understand that....

Bubbles3592 · December 2015

pinottoparenthood said:

Bubbles3592 said:

I'm an FTM, but I already know my fiancé won't be able to take any time off when the baby is born. He hasn't worked there long enough to qualify for time off. In fact, if baby comes during the day, he may not even be able to be there. It will depend on if his boss can cover for him.

That should be illegal, seriously. He should take a sick day. I would be furious if my husband wasn't there for the birth of my child. Any kind of decent boss should understand that....

His boss said he would try to cover for him, but at the moment only his boss and him even work there. All upper management (his boss's boss) are at a different location, and it costs them several hundred to get a replacement from a different location to fill in.

pinottoparenthood · December 2015

Bubbles3592 said:

pinottoparenthood said:

Bubbles3592 said:

I'm an FTM, but I already know my fiancé won't be able to take any time off when the baby is born. He hasn't worked there long enough to qualify for time off. In fact, if baby comes during the day, he may not even be able to be there. It will depend on if his boss can cover for him.

That should be illegal, seriously. He should take a sick day. I would be furious if my husband wasn't there for the birth of my child. Any kind of decent boss should understand that....

His boss said he would try to cover for him, but at the moment only his boss and him even work there. All upper management (his boss's boss) are at a different location, and it costs them several hundred to get a replacement from a different location to fill in.

Several hundred? I'd pay it. Slash just let him come down with a really bad 24-hour bug or something..... haha

olivemomma · December 2015

My dd was born the day before thanksgiving, he left early on Tuesday to be with me while I was in labor and then went back to work the following Monday, I honestly felt like hat was plenty of time. Regardless if he is home two days or two weeks you will be nervous about your first full day alone with baby, but it will all be okay. You are the one lo needs and all maternal instinct will kick in!

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