Sorry ladies just need to have a rant!

adrimidas · December 2015

Hello lovely mummies!

I'll apologise in advance for the long post however I need to just get this out.

So my mum has never been the most supportive mother in the world however you would think that when your only daughter is pregnant with her first child you would make a start.

Well not my mum she has completely shocked me and made me so upset. As a little back story we live in Sydney Australia however my mother loves seasonally in Europe.

So my mum contacts me yesterday to let me know of the dates she's looking at coming home for the holidays etc. Now originally she had told me she would be coming home for Christmas and then of course staying on till I give birth with my due date being the 7th of April however I should mention that I could be going early as bub is rather big haha but won't confirm till my next appointment. Anyway she then continued on to tell me that she'll be home for Christmas and then is planning on leaving again on the 15th of Feb to not return until the 31st of March!!!

Now call me crazy but she can't be serious I was so upset with her when she told me. How can she honestly plan to return from Europe a week before my due date. I told her that she's unbelievable and when I need her the most she plans to be on the other side of the world! I said how can you even risk not only missing the birth of you first grandchild but not being there to support your only daughter!! The response I got... "I can always change my flight".. by this point I was so upset that I just had to end the conversation. What is she seriously thinking. I'm not sure if I was just so worked up because well pregnant or because I stupidly expected more from. I'm just so taken back by it and I don't know how I should mentally prepare myself for her potentially not being here : (

Sorry for the long post ladies just really upset and had to get it out there!!

brie_and_almonds · December 2015

I'm glad you are able to vent, and I know you didn't ask my opinion, but I think you're overreacting.

sarahufl · December 2015

Yeah, I think you are overreacting. But I'm sorry you are so upset.

AmadorRose · December 2015

I'm confused. Do you have an SO who can be there to support you through the birth or were you counting on your mother being a labor coach? Would you want someone who is unsupportive of you to be with you through labor anyway?

RoseShadow873 · December 2015

AmadorRose said:

I'm confused. Do you have an SO who can be there to support you through the birth or were you counting on your mother being a labor coach? Would you want someone who is unsupportive of you to be with you through labor anyway?

This had me confused too.

OP, Is there no one else that can help you/be relied on? I don't know if you're overreacting or not since I still don't get the circumstances, although I can understand the frustration of dealing with flaky people.

imrachellea · December 2015

I live 1200+ miles from my parents and never expected them to be here for the actual birth of my first daughter two years ago. And my mom, dad too, actually are and always have been supportive parents. But they have their own lives, and while I know they wanted to be here, they weren't and that was just fine. Now they did actually surprise me by showing up in the evening the day she was born (a good 18 hours after her birth), but it was never something I expected or asked for. This time around with DD2, I again do not know if or expect my parents to be here. So as PPs have said, not sure where your child's father is in all this, so not sure if he's there to support, that really want made clear at all.

adrimidas · December 2015

Ok I take back my rant.

Thank you all for your feedback though.

My husband is actually a very caring a supportive person and yes is there for me 100%.

Now never did I mention that I had intentions of forcing her to do what I wanted her to do like a spoilt brat because growing up with a mother that has never emotionally been there for you you learn to not be a spoilt brat.

I was actually just ranting about being upset and taken back by it as it would of been nice to of had her support being an only child and instinctively wanting your mother's support.

mzbkworm · December 2015

I feel you and I'm sorry. I wish I could talk to my mom about pregnancy, I'm 22 weeks and I Google everything; mom and I aren't really talking.
. I'm the only daughter and pregnant with my first. My mother's response when I told her she would be a grandma (for the third time as my brother has 2) she asked what we were going to do with "it" and how did we expect to take care of a baby (we're 25 and 38, both working full time). The conversation ended with her saying she couldn't be happy for me and she would pray.
Needless to say, we haven't spoken much.

Mailmans Baby Momma · December 2015

I'm of the frame of mind that you can't change other people. If she wants to be there, she will. If not, it's her loss.

But I also don't like people and am socially akward sometimes, so I would have been fine with no one but DH at the hospital when DS was born.

Would your mom be a big help after the baby is born? Is that what you're missing? Because unless you were cooking me a meal or cleaning my toilet I really didn't want you there the first few weeks.

adrimidas · December 2015

@mzbkworm thank you this was the main point of my discussion not that I expected anything more that I was upset that I don't have her support at all and this was just the cherry on the cake for me.

I can completely relate to you and feel for you. Sometimes there's just times where you wish you could confide in your mum (which I think is a normal thing for any woman) especially when pregnant with your first.

emgee27 · December 2015

adrimidas said:

Ok I take back my rant. Thank you all for your feedback though. My husband is actually a very caring a supportive person and yes is there for me 100%. Now never did I mention that I had intentions of forcing her to do what I wanted her to do like a spoilt brat because growing up with a mother that has never emotionally been there for you you learn to not be a spoilt brat. I was actually just ranting about being upset and taken back by it as it would of been nice to of had her support being an only child and instinctively wanting your mother's support.

You don't have to take back your rant, you have a right to be upset if you want to be that she isn't doing what you would've hoped she'd do in terms of supporting you. HOWEVER, it sounds like all she is not doing is sticking around from the holidays straight through April and going back to Europe in between. She said she could always change her flight, so she didn't say she definitely ISN'T planning on being around, right? That being said, since she has been flaky or not supportive with you in the past, I just wouldn't count on her being there, and take it as a pleasant surprise if she is.

(((hugs)))

loveymay · December 2015

It sounds like she will be there, if she is planning on coming on the 31st and you aren't due till the 7th. And if you go earlier than the 31st, then she already said she would change her flight to be there. I'm sorry you are upset, but from my viewpoint I don't think there is anything to be upset about. It sounds like what you really want is for her to be around for the rest of your pregnancy.

Jules08 · December 2015

Yeah, I agree with the others, I think you are overreacting. I think your mom's timeline sounds fine. You really have no idea if you are going to deliver early and if this is your first, you are actually more likely to deliver late. At this point, it's also way early to assume that your baby is large and that it would impact your delivery. If your OB is concerned about it, you will get more scans near the end of your pregnancy to watch / confirm. IF this is the case, you will know early enough that your mom can change her flights if needed.

FWIW - my mom and I are extremely close and she lived 15hrs away (by car) and wasn't able to be at the birth of my DS. This time she is 1.5hrs away (by car) and will likely visit after delivery. The birth is a moment for DH and I, no one else.

NateKlages · December 2015

Oh hun, I do understand why you're upset. These people are right, you cannot change your mother. However the bitter disappointment is real, especially when you thought she was going to make an effort to be there for you. I'm my mom's only daughter, and when I had my first she only came because I was underage, she drove me to the hospital so drunk she could barely walk, then peed herself. While I sincerely wish she would have been supportive, and it broke my heart a million times that she wasn't, I should've known better. Don't let her get you down, SHE'S missing out, not you. My mom is much more supportive now though, we even established a much closer relationship and she adores my daughter. Maybe she'll come around when she meets baby. If not, again, it's her loss not yours dear.

AGK2015 · December 2015

Yup, I feel ya. I mean, like prior posters have said, it's not particularly unreasonable for her to fly home, but starting a family of your own has a way of really driving home the shortcomings in your existing family. Little things (or, things that would be little to other people) feel so much bigger in the context of everything that's going on, and the fact that your mom might not be there when you go into labor is just kind of a crappy reminder that she has a habit of not being there when you need her.

Sorry you're feeling so down about it. I think the only thing you can really do to prepare is expect the worst but hope for the best, and to focus on the support that you do have.

Missingchampagne · December 2015

One of my favorite quotes is "when people show you who they are, believe them".

If your mom has never been so great at supporting you - it sadly shouldn't surprise you that she hasn't picked up on it now. That said, I understand where you're coming from... If she intended on being there for you the entire time through your due date, I'm sure it made you sad that she changed her visit.

But, you still get a ton of time with her! My mom lives in Cali, and I live in Florida... I'll have, and the only thing I would be nervous about is how close she is cutting it (since you

DeeJ88 · December 2015

I too would be heart broken if my mother, who clearly had the means to be there for me for her first grandchild, was not. I think your feelings of hurt and disappointment are nature responses when you are told she will be there all of that time and then plans change in a way that makes it possible for her to miss the birth.

Personally, I don't listen to anyone's opinion on how I should feel. Other people don't know your life or understand what you've gone through and the many things that may also be affecting his you feel. This could be the icing on the cake to other mishaps.

I do agree that although we cannot always help how we feel, we can help how we choose to act based on those feelings. Remember who your mother is, before you get your hopes up on what she will do. It may save you more heart ache in the future. I would try not to act bitter about it either because that hurts you more then hurt. I would focus on the fact that I do have someone who is 100% supportive, and put my hopes in someone worth them.

jlpcarr · December 2015

adrimidas said:

Ok I take back my rant. Thank you all for your feedback though. My husband is actually a very caring a supportive person and yes is there for me 100%. Now never did I mention that I had intentions of forcing her to do what I wanted her to do like a spoilt brat because growing up with a mother that has never emotionally been there for you you learn to not be a spoilt brat. I was actually just ranting about being upset and taken back by it as it would of been nice to of had her support being an only child and instinctively wanting your mother's support.

I feel you and whether you are overreacting or not (I mean, we're pregnant, we have emotions, we overreact - whether or not you're doing so is irrelevant and unnecessary to discuss), it is okay to be feeling this way. I also have a very unsupportive mother and no matter how many times I tell myself that she'll never change, I do have a desire deep down for her to change anyway. I know it will never happen, but every time she disappoints me it hurts as if it was the first time. I'm glad you have a supportive partner at the very least, and I hope you are able to one day come to terms with who your mother is, although I know its very, very difficult.

Sorry ladies just need to have a rant!

Re: Sorry ladies just need to have a rant!

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