My SIL (DH's sister) was a stripper which lead to drugs/ prostitution. So our experience with it is not a good one. Luckily she got out of that and now has 2 years clean and sober. But it hasn't been easy. I know there are women who strip where it's strictly a job and can leave work at work, earn a paycheck and support her family. But what my SIL has been through, we would want more for our daughters.
DH has gone to a strip club unplanned a few times when out of town friends have visited. But I get it because it's Vegas so his friends wanna do it. The last two times he basically came home the boy version of crying saying he hated it and to never let him go again (most of the strip clubs here are so disgusting, like 9 shower level of disgusting). It doesn't bother me because I knew he was going out with friends already and he took a taxi. It would bother me if I was his friends wife who always wants to come a strip club when he's in Vegas. The other two guys and DH sort of go along with it but this one guy is always the one initiating. They've said no the last two trips haha.
First BFP 12/2012, MMC at 9 weeks
Second BFP 6/2013, resulted in DS, born 2/23/14 :-)
Third BFP 5/2015, natural MC at 6 weeks
Fourth BFP 8/2015, hoping for sticky little brother or sister to H!
Proud SAHM to our little monkey H.
Pro Vax, extended breasftfeeder, ring sling and stroller loving mama. I don't judge you unless you don't vaccinate!
DH has gone to a strip club unplanned a few times when out of town friends have visited. But I get it because it's Vegas so his friends wanna do it. The last two times he basically came home the boy version of crying saying he hated it and to never let him go again (most of the strip clubs here are so disgusting, like 9 shower level of disgusting). It doesn't bother me because I knew he was going out with friends already and he took a taxi. It would bother me if I was his friends wife who always wants to come a strip club when he's in Vegas. The other two guys and DH sort of go along with it but this one guy is always the one initiating. They've said no the last two trips haha.
Never thought about it from your perspective - that would get old, fast. There are SO many other things to do in Vegas! I can see going to a burlesque show or something because they're foreign to me, but you can go to a strip club anywhere and they're basically all the same.
DH has gone to a strip club unplanned a few times when out of town friends have visited. But I get it because it's Vegas so his friends wanna do it. The last two times he basically came home the boy version of crying saying he hated it and to never let him go again (most of the strip clubs here are so disgusting, like 9 shower level of disgusting). It doesn't bother me because I knew he was going out with friends already and he took a taxi. It would bother me if I was his friends wife who always wants to come a strip club when he's in Vegas. The other two guys and DH sort of go along with it but this one guy is always the one initiating. They've said no the last two trips haha.
Is that supposed to be a Vegas thing? Portland has more strip clubs so that kind of confuses me. When I lived in Hawaii everyone that visited wanted to go to a luau so that got annoying there.
It's a sad day in society when the man who is supposed to stay loyal to us and only us for the rest of his life thinks it's OK to go hangout with naked women, and their wife is on board. Their whole job and purpose is to get your husband aroused and make him spend as much money as possible. The other sad part is that most wives really think their husband is being innocent when he is without you and has a girl that he finds attractive with nothing but a thong on dancing, talking, and touching him inappropriately while he is intoxicated. If you think he isn't attracted to any of them then you are wrong, why else would he give her his money, and spend time there instead of with you. I've had plenty of experience working in this scene and saw first hand that the bulk of the customers are married and almost all their wives know they were there, but THINK they are being innocent. Seems the definition of innocence is much different than mine.
Wise up, if your husband loves and respects you he doesn't need to see another woman naked, he would be more than happy with your naked body.
Before I was married, I used to go to strip clubs with boyfriends and with girlfriends, and watch porn. But you better believe that me nor my husband would ever stoop that low in a committed and loving marriage filled with respect. You may not be able to help that you find someone attractive who walks by, but you can control if you play into that or not.
And any way, if he wants to throw a couple dollars at a naked woman, he can throw them on me as I walk to the shower naked or during sex. If any woman should enjoy his money it's me, the one he committed his life to.
@DeeJ88 that's incredibly judgemental coming from someone who doesn't know any of us and has no idea what our relationships are like. My mother feels the same way you do and was heartbroken to find out that my dad watches porn. 7 years later, she still isn't over it. My dad has never cheated on her or mistreated her; he is an amazing man who happens to enjoy watching porn when mom isn't around. A very important lesson I learned from that experience: being human doesn't make my dad a bad person; it makes him a person. I don't give a shit if my husband ogles naked women because there will always be more attractive women out there; as long as he's not banging them I truly don't give a shit. Strippers have to eat, too.
Also, I don't need to enjoy my husband's money. I make my own fucking money because I'm a big girl with no reason to not have a job, so thanks. And if my husband EVER throws a couple of singles at me while I'm naked, he will sleep in his car because I'm not a stripper. If he has an overwhelming desire to make it rain, he can take his ass to a strip club. I'd rather the money supported a woman who is working than some corporation I buy shoes from.
@DeeJ88 Um good for you with your badass judgemental self! It makes me sad that you think there is something wrong with my relationship because I'm completely comfortable with my man seeing another woman naked. Guess who he sleeps with every night? Guess who he provides for? Guess who he actually has sex with?
I'm very tempted to go into a long rant about this, but I can't bring myself to because we just celebrated a wonderful holiday over here in the states. I have better things to do, like eat as much left over stuffing as possible, while doing my dishes.
Everyone has posted their view/opinion, but since mine isn't sprinkled with sugar it's judgemental? That really made me laugh.
@AmadorRose I'm feel sorry for your mom. I'm sure she was even more hurt that he wasn't honest in their marriage than the thought that watching porn makes him a "bad person". I think the real lesson that you missed is that you shouldn't hide stuff from your spouse or else it will hurt them. Or maybe that if it hurts your spouse that you committed your life too, then you shouldn't do it. In my opinion, it is not that your mom needs to 'get over it', it's that your dad needs to respect his wife's issue with him viewing other women naked and quit doing it.
Some wives do feel that their husband seeing another woman naked is cheating and would feel mistreated if their husband did it anyway.
@Knottie9983816 I hope that stuffing was great! I had some amazing oyster stuffing myself!
Everyone has posted their view/opinion, but since mine isn't sprinkled with sugar it's judgemental? That really made me laugh.
@AmadorRose I'm feel sorry for your mom. I'm sure she was even more hurt that he wasn't honest in their marriage than the thought that watching porn makes him a "bad person". I think the real lesson that you missed is that you shouldn't hide stuff from your spouse or else it will hurt them. Or maybe that if it hurts your spouse that you committed your life too, then you shouldn't do it. In my opinion, it is not that your mom needs to 'get over it', it's that your dad needs to respect his wife's issue with him viewing other women naked and quit doing it.
Some wives do feel that their husband seeing another woman naked is cheating and would feel mistreated if their husband did it anyway.
@Knottie9983816 I hope that stuffing was great! I had some amazing oyster stuffing myself!
Yours was judgmental and called out for it because rather than just stating your opinion about strip clubs in YOUR relationship, you decided to make it about everyone who disagrees with your point of view being sad with pathetic, uncommitted marriages doomed to failure. Your whole post reads like you're gunning for a giant, flashing "I'M BETTER THAN YOU" award.
The terms of your relationship are certainly fine for you, but those sort of puritanical beliefs would be stifling for many others. Not everyone believes porn or viewing other people naked if cheating. The difference is that nobody has tried to say that those who are more conservative are sad people with bad relationships.
I think I love you. I couldn't think of a way to respond without getting kicked off TB. I don't give a shit if porn/strip clubs/whatever doesn't work for you and yours, it works for me and mine. I've gone to strip clubs with my husband, and even after encouraging him to participate, he chooses to play pool or talk to the bartenders. So it's great that you're comfortable suffocating your husband and disallowing him from spending money on anyone but you (I'm presuming, from your original post just like you presume from mine that my mother is worth empathizing), but not everyone's relationship works that way.
Jealousy doesn't suit me, and I've worked very hard to be in a relationship that is completely open and honest. The lesson I learned from my parents' issues, if you need it spelled out, is that there are things worth being upset over in a relationship, and there are things that are not. Things like becoming emotionally attached to someone outside the relationship, physical and emotional abuse, substance abuse; those are worth getting upset over. The fact that my husband is human and has eyes is not upsetting to me because I am also human with eyes. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that DH isn't a super fit model - the person he is and the history we have together makes him sexier than any other man alive, up to and including Clay Matthews (who is pretty fucking sexy, IMO). If I didn't have the confidence that DH feels the same way about me, I wouldn't be with him. And you know what? I like looking at hot girls take their clothes off, too, so maybe any relationship I'm ever in is fucked, since I don't seem to measure up to your relationship standards.
If you had read the thread before jumping to conclusions, you would know that in my original answer to the poster, from whom you've now completely taken away from with your holier-than-thou posts, I stated that if her husband had reasonable knowledge of how she would feel knowing where he was, it was logical to be upset. Since no one here knows her or her relationship, we were not in a position to judge and if the issue was deeper than simply visiting a strip club - emotional, self-image, etc. - then she needed to have a serious, unemotional conversation about the way she felt.
Not once did I say that my view works for everyone, it was my view on part of the reason marriage is not respected by some in our culture and why wives are not respected as well. Leading to the OP being at home pregnant while her husband is out with naked women, your dad viewing porn behind your mom's back, and many husbands cheating on their wives. But hey, if you feel like your husband thinks the world of you while he's 'ooglying' (not even sure how to spell it lol) or getting aroused by another woman than OK. There are many views I don't agree with, or find offensive, I don't actually get all dramatic and offended.
My husband is the one that brought it to my attention before we got married about how people in loving and committed relationships should not look at others naked and I agreed. So suffocating, no lol. I'm the last jealous woman on the planet, my body looks amazing (even after 2 kids). And even if it didn't, my husband isn't shallow and loves me for who I am as a person. My husband and I have been close for years and ofcourse we are human and our eyes may wander to a guy or girl walking by that we find attractive, that is a human response that we talk about all the time.
holier-than-thou post? Well, that actually sounds like a compliment. I'd rather be holier than unholy.
And about the OP, I completely sympathize with her saying what kind of husband leaves his Pregnant wife and daughter at home and thinks it's OK to go out to a strip club. It upset me enough to give her the response that some of society thinking it's OK and "normal" is also the reason her husband has joined the bandwagon. Even though he knew it would hurt his wife, which it did, and she's currently giving him silent treatment for.
OK @DeeJ88 I'm not sure what you find appealing about acting like you're better than everyone else, but you aren't coming across in any kind of way that would illicit a positive response from any of us. Going as far as to blame the way we feel about pornography and strip clubs for the reason marriage isn't held in a higher regard anymore is complete BS. I would actually blame it on marriage being made something more than it actually is, and a naivety for what it's really like.
Just gonna throw it out there that my fiancé thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, and that doesn't change when he goes to a strip club, or watches pornography. I'm glad you and your husband also have a system that works for you. Instead of feeling bad for me, or blaming me on a supposed societal fail, how about you just enjoy your life, and not judge?
I'm not actually sure she understood the point of basically any of my post, so I'm pretty sure continuing to try to explain simple concepts is not worth the effort.
I don't think it gets any easier to grasp than "what works for you doesn't work for everyone, and it doesn't make you better than anyone."
But I'm hormonal, and I don't wanna back down! (I will of course, but still >.>)
The point of my post was never to change your mind or look for agreement. I anticipated some would not agree. I don't need positive feedback to feel like my opinion is legitimatized. It's life, I'm an adult, although hormonal myself, and I'm perfectly fine with agreeing to disagree. The back and forth is ridiculous. Let's move on, and enjoy these pregnancies lol
My husband and I come from the background of both being Porn addicts. We got it under control before getting married and that was the best decision of our lives. Neither pornography addiction has wrecked our relationship, but that's because 1. We are always 100% open and honest, even when we mess up, and 2. We know it is NEVER okay. Being sexually aroused by someone/something other than your spouse is wrong. That's a hard code to live by some days, but the benefits far outweigh any struggle.
Being sexually aroused by someone other than your spouse isn't wrong, it's completely normal!
My husband and are are open and honest about our natural attractions and fantasies and our sex life is fantastic and our relationship is solid.
Everyone has posted their view/opinion, but since mine isn't sprinkled with sugar it's judgemental? That really made me laugh.
@AmadorRose I'm feel sorry for your mom. I'm sure she was even more hurt that he wasn't honest in their marriage than the thought that watching porn makes him a "bad person". I think the real lesson that you missed is that you shouldn't hide stuff from your spouse or else it will hurt them. Or maybe that if it hurts your spouse that you committed your life too, then you shouldn't do it. In my opinion, it is not that your mom needs to 'get over it', it's that your dad needs to respect his wife's issue with him viewing other women naked and quit doing it.
Some wives do feel that their husband seeing another woman naked is cheating and would feel mistreated if their husband did it anyway.
@Knottie9983816 I hope that stuffing was great! I had some amazing oyster stuffing myself!
Yours was judgmental and called out for it because rather than just stating your opinion about strip clubs in YOUR relationship, you decided to make it about everyone who disagrees with your point of view being sad with pathetic, uncommitted marriages doomed to failure. Your whole post reads like you're gunning for a giant, flashing "I'M BETTER THAN YOU" award.
The terms of your relationship are certainly fine for you, but those sort of puritanical beliefs would be stifling for many others. Not everyone believes porn or viewing other people naked if cheating. The difference is that nobody has tried to say that those who are more conservative are sad people with bad relationships.
I think I love you. I couldn't think of a way to respond without getting kicked off TB. I don't give a shit if porn/strip clubs/whatever doesn't work for you and yours, it works for me and mine. I've gone to strip clubs with my husband, and even after encouraging him to participate, he chooses to play pool or talk to the bartenders. So it's great that you're comfortable suffocating your husband and disallowing him from spending money on anyone but you (I'm presuming, from your original post just like you presume from mine that my mother is worth empathizing), but not everyone's relationship works that way.
Jealousy doesn't suit me, and I've worked very hard to be in a relationship that is completely open and honest. The lesson I learned from my parents' issues, if you need it spelled out, is that there are things worth being upset over in a relationship, and there are things that are not. Things like becoming emotionally attached to someone outside the relationship, physical and emotional abuse, substance abuse; those are worth getting upset over. The fact that my husband is human and has eyes is not upsetting to me because I am also human with eyes. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that DH isn't a super fit model - the person he is and the history we have together makes him sexier than any other man alive, up to and including Clay Matthews (who is pretty fucking sexy, IMO). If I didn't have the confidence that DH feels the same way about me, I wouldn't be with him. And you know what? I like looking at hot girls take their clothes off, too, so maybe any relationship I'm ever in is fucked, since I don't seem to measure up to your relationship standards.
If you had read the thread before jumping to conclusions, you would know that in my original answer to the poster, from whom you've now completely taken away from with your holier-than-thou posts, I stated that if her husband had reasonable knowledge of how she would feel knowing where he was, it was logical to be upset. Since no one here knows her or her relationship, we were not in a position to judge and if the issue was deeper than simply visiting a strip club - emotional, self-image, etc. - then she needed to have a serious, unemotional conversation about the way she felt.
Giiiirl, you know I say this with all the love, and I don't agree with what Dee is saying... but I think the bolded is bit judgmental on your part. I don't want my husband to look at other women naked, andI don't think that's "suffocating" him. I think that's demanding his respect and that he considers my feelings, etc. I don't have a problem with what works for other married couples, but that comment just rubs me the wrong way a little.
Amanda
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
@pinottoparenthood I didn't intend that as a blanket statement by any means. I think if you're uncomfortable with your husband seeing other women naked, he should abstain from places like strip clubs out of respect for his wife - the woman he dedicated his life to. And I think women who are uncomfortable with those situations have every right to be upset about their husband disrespecting them, because looking at other women isn't just about nudity - it's about the disregard for your wife's feelings if you know she would be upset by it. I'm sure there are things that I would be upset over DH doing that many women wouldn't bat an eye at, nudity just isn't one of them.
I reserve my judgement for women who FORBID their husbands from doing things and are content with "spending their husband's money" because this paints a very specific picture for me; one that is demanding, controlling, and suffocating rather than being a place that's safe for your husband to be vulnerable in and to grow. I strongly believe in earning my keep, and thus far it has been as the breadwinner. Once I begin school, I will earn my keep being a full-time student, mother, and housekeeper. Not working outside the home is not an excuse to not work; whether you're dedicating your time to raising your children or volunteering, you should be doing something useful with your life.
Saying that your husband should be spending his money on you rather than something he enjoys is, IMO, selfish and childish. DH works as many hours as I do and I feel that his expendable income should be spent on things he enjoys, though I do love it when he surprises me with flowers or chocolate. He also loves when I surprise him with little gifts for no reason. It's a two-way street. When DH is not working but is instead raising our daughter and going to school, I don't want him to feel as though he can't spend "my money." We are a team, a family, and what's mine is his. I'm not his sugar mama, I'm his wife, his partner, his equal.
I am completely fine with DH going to a strip club. I trust him, and when I don't exactly feel the sexiest but he treats me as if I am. As long as he's not dropping crazy money and lets me know a round about time he'll be home I'm happy. Plus if he goes to the strip club and knows I'm ok with it, it makes him ok with me going to the spa Perks!
Everyone's got their opinion on whether or not it's okay for husbands/significant others going to strip clubs and watching porn. I think that point was made. Let's go back to the original post, where OP is upset that she discovered after the fact he went to the strip club and only came out and told her after she confronted him. I'm taking a guess the majority would agree that is messed up, and this is the reason why this discussion is happening in the first place. @crichb, how have things been?
Lurking from May 2016 Moms and I may be late to the party here but I AM IN THE SAME BOAT. Oh it happened three weeks ago and my blood is still boiling. I think I am so pissed about it because his daughters mother is a stripper there (oh so classy) and I found out from her that he was there. And when I confronted him about it he tried to deny it until he found out I had undeniable proof that he was there. I had never felt so disgusted, and disrespected by him in my life. He had never been before (or so he says) and decided to go with a co worker ON HIS LUNCH BREAK! He says "he didn't stay long because the girls were nasty" it's like, what if they weren't nasty? Would you have stayed and kept going back every Friday? Oh, I forgot to mention that his ex was working when he went. I told him if it happened again I would not be able to look past it. I'm shaking typing this because I'm still so pissed about it. Why do guys do the scummiest things with pregnant wives? Best wishes to you.
@allisonmunson94 yikes, I'd be pretty furious about the denying/lying part. At least if you're going to do something sketch in your partner's eyes, own up to it. Andplusalso, I'm pretty secure with my self image but I wouldn't be too thrilled about my partner going to a strip club where his ex strips.
Re: DH Goes to Strip Club! WTF?!?
Wise up, if your husband loves and respects you he doesn't need to see another woman naked, he would be more than happy with your naked body.
Before I was married, I used to go to strip clubs with boyfriends and with girlfriends, and watch porn. But you better believe that me nor my husband would ever stoop that low in a committed and loving marriage filled with respect. You may not be able to help that you find someone attractive who walks by, but you can control if you play into that or not.
And any way, if he wants to throw a couple dollars at a naked woman, he can throw them on me as I walk to the shower naked or during sex. If any woman should enjoy his money it's me, the one he committed his life to.
Also, I don't need to enjoy my husband's money. I make my own fucking money because I'm a big girl with no reason to not have a job, so thanks. And if my husband EVER throws a couple of singles at me while I'm naked, he will sleep in his car because I'm not a stripper. If he has an overwhelming desire to make it rain, he can take his ass to a strip club. I'd rather the money supported a woman who is working than some corporation I buy shoes from.
I'm very tempted to go into a long rant about this, but I can't bring myself to because we just celebrated a wonderful holiday over here in the states. I have better things to do, like eat as much left over stuffing as possible, while doing my dishes.
@AmadorRose I'm feel sorry for your mom. I'm sure she was even more hurt that he wasn't honest in their marriage than the thought that watching porn makes him a "bad person". I think the real lesson that you missed is that you shouldn't hide stuff from your spouse or else it will hurt them. Or maybe that if it hurts your spouse that you committed your life too, then you shouldn't do it. In my opinion, it is not that your mom needs to 'get over it', it's that your dad needs to respect his wife's issue with him viewing other women naked and quit doing it.
Some wives do feel that their husband seeing another woman naked is cheating and would feel mistreated if their husband did it anyway.
@Knottie9983816 I hope that stuffing was great! I had some amazing oyster stuffing myself!
Jealousy doesn't suit me, and I've worked very hard to be in a relationship that is completely open and honest. The lesson I learned from my parents' issues, if you need it spelled out, is that there are things worth being upset over in a relationship, and there are things that are not. Things like becoming emotionally attached to someone outside the relationship, physical and emotional abuse, substance abuse; those are worth getting upset over. The fact that my husband is human and has eyes is not upsetting to me because I am also human with eyes. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that DH isn't a super fit model - the person he is and the history we have together makes him sexier than any other man alive, up to and including Clay Matthews (who is pretty fucking sexy, IMO). If I didn't have the confidence that DH feels the same way about me, I wouldn't be with him. And you know what? I like looking at hot girls take their clothes off, too, so maybe any relationship I'm ever in is fucked, since I don't seem to measure up to your relationship standards.
If you had read the thread before jumping to conclusions, you would know that in my original answer to the poster, from whom you've now completely taken away from with your holier-than-thou posts, I stated that if her husband had reasonable knowledge of how she would feel knowing where he was, it was logical to be upset. Since no one here knows her or her relationship, we were not in a position to judge and if the issue was deeper than simply visiting a strip club - emotional, self-image, etc. - then she needed to have a serious, unemotional conversation about the way she felt.
My husband is the one that brought it to my attention before we got married about how people in loving and committed relationships should not look at others naked and I agreed. So suffocating, no lol. I'm the last jealous woman on the planet, my body looks amazing (even after 2 kids). And even if it didn't, my husband isn't shallow and loves me for who I am as a person. My husband and I have been close for years and ofcourse we are human and our eyes may wander to a guy or girl walking by that we find attractive, that is a human response that we talk about all the time.
holier-than-thou post? Well, that actually sounds like a compliment. I'd rather be holier than unholy.
And about the OP, I completely sympathize with her saying what kind of husband leaves his Pregnant wife and daughter at home and thinks it's OK to go out to a strip club. It upset me enough to give her the response that some of society thinking it's OK and "normal" is also the reason her husband has joined the bandwagon. Even though he knew it would hurt his wife, which it did, and she's currently giving him silent treatment for.
Just gonna throw it out there that my fiancé thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, and that doesn't change when he goes to a strip club, or watches pornography. I'm glad you and your husband also have a system that works for you. Instead of feeling bad for me, or blaming me on a supposed societal fail, how about you just enjoy your life, and not judge?
Giiiirl, you know I say this with all the love, and I don't agree with what Dee is saying... but I think the bolded is bit judgmental on your part. I don't want my husband to look at other women naked, andI don't think that's "suffocating" him. I think that's demanding his respect and that he considers my feelings, etc. I don't have a problem with what works for other married couples, but that comment just rubs me the wrong way a little.
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016
I reserve my judgement for women who FORBID their husbands from doing things and are content with "spending their husband's money" because this paints a very specific picture for me; one that is demanding, controlling, and suffocating rather than being a place that's safe for your husband to be vulnerable in and to grow. I strongly believe in earning my keep, and thus far it has been as the breadwinner. Once I begin school, I will earn my keep being a full-time student, mother, and housekeeper. Not working outside the home is not an excuse to not work; whether you're dedicating your time to raising your children or volunteering, you should be doing something useful with your life.
Saying that your husband should be spending his money on you rather than something he enjoys is, IMO, selfish and childish. DH works as many hours as I do and I feel that his expendable income should be spent on things he enjoys, though I do love it when he surprises me with flowers or chocolate. He also loves when I surprise him with little gifts for no reason. It's a two-way street. When DH is not working but is instead raising our daughter and going to school, I don't want him to feel as though he can't spend "my money." We are a team, a family, and what's mine is his. I'm not his sugar mama, I'm his wife, his partner, his equal.
Everyone's got their opinion on whether or not it's okay for husbands/significant others going to strip clubs and watching porn. I think that point was made. Let's go back to the original post, where OP is upset that she discovered after the fact he went to the strip club and only came out and told her after she confronted him. I'm taking a guess the majority would agree that is messed up, and this is the reason why this discussion is happening in the first place. @crichb, how have things been?
It's a boy! Grow baby, grow! EDD: 4/22/2016
Andplusalso, I'm pretty secure with my self image but I wouldn't be too thrilled about my partner going to a strip club where his ex strips.
It's a boy! Grow baby, grow! EDD: 4/22/2016