- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
January 2016 Moms
Emott13
member
What's pissing you off. WARNING: SUPER LONG
Emott13
member
I know there's probably a weekday thread about this, but I need to blow off steam (sorry ahead of time).
DH and I moved in with his mother while waiting for the closing paperwork on our house. I personally hated living with my OWN parents, much less someone else's, because I'm OCD and easily pick up others emotions and let them affect me. I'm just not really meant for communal living. So to start, I'm a month into that living situation (not to mention, his mother is an idiot and finds ways to undermine my parenting and ruin good habits that I've spent DD's entire LIFE trying to establish).
Well, suddenly, BIL's sister has lost her living situation with an aunt because she can't get along with her own brother (she left literally within days of him moving in because they "fought too much"). BIL still lives with mom because, surprise, surprise, neither he nor his GF can manage money. They both work, neither has ANY debt, and yet between the two of them they "can't" afford an apartment. I say "can't" because, making less money per hour, I somehow managed all of my own bills for years in my own apartment before DH and I got married. But I digress.
I originally agreed with DH to allow BIL and/or his GF to live with us for a few months in order to determine whether they could hack it on their own- all while paying us a lower amount of "rent" than an apartment to help cover bills, etc. (Personally, I think they should be able to calculate a budget without test-driving it, but that's the American school system for you.) Now, however, BIL and GF have decided that they want to get married. Props to them, for sure, for wanting to get married before they move in together, but suddenly this means that they can no longer afford to pay us ANY money while they live there, AND they want one of them to live with us for the next year while they save up money for/plan a wedding. THEN they want a few extra months living in our home together to determine whether they can afford it.
For one, in my family it has always been that if you can afford a wedding/think you're responsible enough for marriage, you're responsible enough to take care of yourself. No more mom and dad handouts, no more living with family, you are your own family and you take care of yourselves. Otherwise, establish yourself first, and THEN get married. Second, that would mean over a YEAR of someone living in my home scot-free, WHILE I'm attempting to adjust to life as a new mother of two, and we're attempting to adjust our budget for a new house and new baby. Third, BIL smokes, and they both smoke pot. #1 if you can afford pot (and the weekly hour and a half drive both ways to your dealer) you can afford to toss us some rent. #2 I don't want that crap in my house, especially when I have a brand-new baby in the house. All medical evidence says even the residues on clothing and furniture when someone smokes, even if they don't smoke in the house, can be super detrimental and increase the risk of SIDS.
But the MOST infuriating thing of all is that DH refuses to talk to me about this. There's a soccer game on, and every time that I try to walk away from the conversation, he gets pissy because I'm "bottling it up instead of talking to him about it", but when I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me because sports. He's usually great at hashing things out with me, but today there was a football game and then he wanted to clean his mothers mess in the kitchen, and then there was soccer etc etc. he's avoiding the issue because he really wants to help his brother, which is great, but it's just not feasible, if you ask me.
TL;DR: DH and I need to have a hard conversation, I'm being ignored for a soccer game.
So if you made it through all of that- what's fudging up your Sunday?
DH and I moved in with his mother while waiting for the closing paperwork on our house. I personally hated living with my OWN parents, much less someone else's, because I'm OCD and easily pick up others emotions and let them affect me. I'm just not really meant for communal living. So to start, I'm a month into that living situation (not to mention, his mother is an idiot and finds ways to undermine my parenting and ruin good habits that I've spent DD's entire LIFE trying to establish).
Well, suddenly, BIL's sister has lost her living situation with an aunt because she can't get along with her own brother (she left literally within days of him moving in because they "fought too much"). BIL still lives with mom because, surprise, surprise, neither he nor his GF can manage money. They both work, neither has ANY debt, and yet between the two of them they "can't" afford an apartment. I say "can't" because, making less money per hour, I somehow managed all of my own bills for years in my own apartment before DH and I got married. But I digress.
I originally agreed with DH to allow BIL and/or his GF to live with us for a few months in order to determine whether they could hack it on their own- all while paying us a lower amount of "rent" than an apartment to help cover bills, etc. (Personally, I think they should be able to calculate a budget without test-driving it, but that's the American school system for you.) Now, however, BIL and GF have decided that they want to get married. Props to them, for sure, for wanting to get married before they move in together, but suddenly this means that they can no longer afford to pay us ANY money while they live there, AND they want one of them to live with us for the next year while they save up money for/plan a wedding. THEN they want a few extra months living in our home together to determine whether they can afford it.
For one, in my family it has always been that if you can afford a wedding/think you're responsible enough for marriage, you're responsible enough to take care of yourself. No more mom and dad handouts, no more living with family, you are your own family and you take care of yourselves. Otherwise, establish yourself first, and THEN get married. Second, that would mean over a YEAR of someone living in my home scot-free, WHILE I'm attempting to adjust to life as a new mother of two, and we're attempting to adjust our budget for a new house and new baby. Third, BIL smokes, and they both smoke pot. #1 if you can afford pot (and the weekly hour and a half drive both ways to your dealer) you can afford to toss us some rent. #2 I don't want that crap in my house, especially when I have a brand-new baby in the house. All medical evidence says even the residues on clothing and furniture when someone smokes, even if they don't smoke in the house, can be super detrimental and increase the risk of SIDS.
But the MOST infuriating thing of all is that DH refuses to talk to me about this. There's a soccer game on, and every time that I try to walk away from the conversation, he gets pissy because I'm "bottling it up instead of talking to him about it", but when I try to talk to him about it, he ignores me because sports. He's usually great at hashing things out with me, but today there was a football game and then he wanted to clean his mothers mess in the kitchen, and then there was soccer etc etc. he's avoiding the issue because he really wants to help his brother, which is great, but it's just not feasible, if you ask me.
TL;DR: DH and I need to have a hard conversation, I'm being ignored for a soccer game.
So if you made it through all of that- what's fudging up your Sunday?
Re: What's pissing you off. WARNING: SUPER LONG
Hell no. Either there is ONE person staying, rent (1/2-3/4 of apt rent) paid, and a lease for X # of months (not a year...NO), or nothing at all. My blood is boiling for you.
Surprisingly the only thing ruining my Sunday is my 13 month old getting molars. He is the picture of misery and whining.
DS1 01/08/03 DD1 08/11/04 DD2 10/06/08 DS2 09/30/14
SURPRISE! Hannah May born 01/22/16
DS1 01/08/03 DD1 08/11/04 DD2 10/06/08 DS2 09/30/14
SURPRISE! Hannah May born 01/22/16
My 8 year old step daughter came over this weekend with over 20 pages of homework (20 f-ing pages, seriously?!). And her attitude sucked all day...
It's been a long weekend for sure, and not in a good way. All things considered, today wasn't terrible, yesterday was a million times worse...
But you...your situation takes the cake. I'm with your thinking. If you are able to get married you should def be able to do so while supporting yourself. Def not free-loading. I'm all for helping family but there's a line. Hope your conversation with your husband goes well and you can decide on a comfortable and mutual decision.
We moved out of our apartment and into a temporary mobile home... Two months later, my SO decided we needed a roommate ( the guy lived with it's before so I didn't really have a problem with it) he pays rent..
But he's a drunk..... And I'm not sure I want that kind of stuff in my house with my newborn baby
Roommate keeps to himself, but I still don't want my child growing up around that stuff.
I want my house back
They want to be children, treat them like children. That is just ridiculous. You and your husband work hard to have your own house, I'm assuming, and they just want to mooch off of you and got stoned. Not a chance.
And the cigarrette smoke bothers me more than the pot but none of it should be in your house, or on their clothes waiting to possibly endanger your newborn.
They also assured us that it wouldn't be for "any more than just two years". TWO F***IN YEARS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I feel like a horrible person because instead of standing up for myself and saying no, sorry, not happening, I'm saying neither yes nor no and just hoping that they lose their jobs and I can kick them out for not paying us anything. God help me grow some balls.
My husband was and still is to some extent very giving. Which was fine before we had kids and still is okay sometimes, but I've had to be the bitch more than once and just say NO. Our little family has to come first.
You can definitely expect some backlash if you prevent your husband from overextendeding the two of you, but in the end, it's better to have clear boundaries. I feel like you might need to steer hard towards laying out and following clear and distinct boundaries, because just the expectations that are being put on you, I feel, are stepping over a line and setting a precedent for future exploitation.
That's just me, and I'm not in your situation. I'm just an Internet stranger, but if I were you, I would put some serious thought into what kind of future behavior might be encouraged by what you do in this instance.
I know you are trying and it's hard to be caught in that position, but it seems like a slippery slope. Ever read that kids book about If you give a mouse a cookie? It's cute when it's a mouse, not perennial house guests. Oh okay you can vape outside, turns into, I'm in my room with the door shut and the window open, turns to you coming home and opening the front door and pot smoke comes rolling out.
And if you waffle now and just hope they lose their jobs, do you really think you'll have the heart to kick them out when they are seriously broke? Will your husband?
I think you need to be selfish right now. Or at least start rolling the snowball in the right direction.
Good luck. I hope it all works out for you. Keep in mind you might find your balls growing as pregnancy progresses or after you have your baby.
Considering they have jobs and no kids or debt, it's not like they'd be homeless if you guys didn't take them in.
Tell your husband it would honestly be doing them more harm than good.
Don't be a doormat. I think they should be able to afford their own place. Two adults, both with jods should be able to support themselves. Especially if they can afford to buy drugs and a $150 vape.
IF you let them stay with you I agree that they should pay rent, there should be weekly budget meetings, a move out date set, clear expectations about how much they need to help around the house, and a lease signed stating all of your conditions for them to stay until the end of the lease.
2 years is crazy! 6 months tops!