Problematic parents/in laws — The Bump
May 2016 Moms

Problematic parents/in laws

As promised in my TTT post, here's a a place where we can share stories and/or vent about parents/in laws. This thread might also be a place to ask questions or seek guidance in regards to family situations. Hopefully this is helpful for many of us that struggle with troublesome families.

Ps- I'll share some of my MIL stories later in the day!
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Re: Problematic parents/in laws

  • :-/ where to start?!
    So my MIL and SIL are very controlling women. My DH is very very blunt, like to a fault. Before me, MIL and SIL THOUGHT they were directing/controlling DH's life although he would respond with his typical blunt comments or would simply hang up the phone/ not respond. So, here I come (DH had literally NO dating experience so MIL and SIL were used to being the only women in his life). MIL would text me every morning and every evening, she and SIL called me ALL the time and wouldn't want to have normal people convos, it would be calls asking about my health issues (I got a very terrible and life altering diagnosis 4 months into dating DH). MIL asked me for my medical records so that she could make sure my Drs knew what they were doing and SIL was giving me advice that was never asked for especially seeing as she didn't have the same disease as me and was 100% healthy. Every phone call was them telling us how we didn't go about making this decision right and how I shouldn't do such and such that way, I should do it this way. I'm a very private person and I don't talk to anyone everyday, not my best friend, not my family, nobody, and DH and I were very tired of all the calls and texts and telling us how to live every aspect of our lives especially while dealing with my diagnosis. DH asked them several times to back off with no success so we wrote them an email in June simply asking them for a little privacy and ensuring them that we would keep them in the loop on life's happening for us, and that we wished for advice to be given when it was asked for. It was very gentle. SIL called and told us she was taking us off the will to have our nieces if anything happened to she or BIL and told us she no longer has a SIL or brother as far as she was concerned. She told her 3 and 4 year old that we broke her heart and told them that uncle and auntie no longer wanted to be in their lives. MIL responded 2 weeks later with an email only to my husband (she's very "religious" so she slammed me in the whole email and referred to me as the devil trying to tear her family apart and make her son choose sides and slammed me using bible verses throughout the whole email). This is all in response to us asking for privacy mind you. MIL called DH's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother and told them all that we sent an email telling them we no longer wanted anything to do with any of them trying to turn his family against us as well. DH tried several times calling his MIL and SIL and telling them that all we want is the privacy to make the decisions we wish to make in regards to our own marriage and want normal healthy conversations and relationships with them and they continued to tell him how hurt THEYVE been and how THEYVE been crying and have had so much stress inflicted on their lives because of us and they never once stopped to think about what they've put onto us for the last year. They said the only way we can rekindle a relationship is if he and I apologize for what we asked for and allow things to go back to how they used to be or they want us to get an annulment because they feel I'm the problem and we refuse. They've told me that I made nice with them all until DH and I got married because I "knew I was sick all along and had a preconceived notion to marry my husband so I could stay at home and have someone make my money for me, pay my bills, and ensure I always had health insurance". Who thinks like that?!

    Needless to say, I truly never want to see them again and neither does DH. He's disgusted with them. I don't foresee a reconciliation of any kind seeing as they've kept digging the hole deeper and deeper. I've never disliked people so much in my entire life.

    Sorry for the essay, this all doesn't even cover the tip of the iceberg but I had to rant :)
    LemmyRNLovingLife!concreteayngelarj14
  • I got into this a bit on FFFC a week or so ago... but my issues are my mom and DH. They do not get along. My mom tried to sabotage our wedding, and hasn't apologized to either of us. He doesn't trust her, and thinks everything is a manipulation. I don't know that I disagree, but I don't think "everything" she does has an angle. But now, he is dragging his parents into it. My mom sent him Steeler bibs and a card to congratulate him (which he never opened or acknowledged). His parents thought the timing was "weird", almost like she was jinxing the pregnancy. I was offended they would even say that. So basically anything she does is never going to be right on their end, or his. We cant even spend holidays together. He has never come home with me because he doesn't want to be in the same room with her for more than 5 minutes. Needless to say this has been very draining on me. I used to try to be ok with it, but now that a baby is in the picture, I really just want everyone to get along for the sake of the baby.

    I get along fine with DHs parents, even though they drive me bonkers and are a bit pretentious and overbearing. They mean well, but I am beyond pissed that they are stepping into the issues with DH and my mom. They should stay out of it, or try to mend the issue. Not keep it going by alluding to the fact that my mom is jinxing our pregnancy.

    cat fail animated GIF

    wamam027LovingLife!
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  • Sounds like you stepped sideways of their crazy early on. Your DH should thank you for pulling him away too. What a bunch of selfish, manipulative, controlling drama queens. Seriously just stay away! These kind of people don't change!
    Together for 8 years, married for 2 <img class=" /> Lilu


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  • Sorry @ncm0328 that is horrible.  Also, I hate when Christians do dumb things like that.  Trust me, we're all not like that!! :)
    Me: 27    DH: 30
    Married in 2011
    Baby 1: Stillborn at 27 weeks (April 2014)
    Baby 2: Due May 2016

    wamam027LemmyRNchildcaremamaLovingLife!
  • Oh @Jesse835235 I know, I am a Christian and so is DH. It's people like my in laws however that give us a bad name, seriously!

    @chottomotto so true, I keep reminding myself that I wouldn't want people like this around my child acting as "role models" anyway! Makes it easier to move forward.
    chottomottoJesse835235LovingLife!
  • My dad used to be a pimp, a drug dealer, an addict, and he beat the hell out of my mom. He cheated, gave my mom an STD, never helped with bills and stole her paycheck to buy drugs. Seven years after my mom kicked him out, he sold our house while we lived in it and put us on the streets. Now he wants to know why I don't invite him to my kids' birthday parties! Seriously, dude is delusional.
    WHAAAAA???? Dude, I thought my dad was scummy. So sorry you have that in your life :(

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  • @yogahh so so sorry you're dealing with all that. I don't think it's ever easy to join two families together. Even if you and your husband were raised exactly the same (which is unlikely) differences are just expected and people, especially parents, seem to have a hard time accepting that other people do life differently. Totally agree that your in laws should not be involved in a matter that involves your husband and mother, they need to mind their own business. I'm a firm believer in blood handles blood so as issues arose with my husband, myself, and his family, I let him take the reigns on speaking with them about our issues until that didn't work and it involved an email sent by the two of us together. Reality is, your mom needs to realize that your husband is now your IMMEDIATE FAMILY. her role has shifted and did shift the second you got married. Your husband is your life partner and she needs to take a step back and I personally feel it's your role as her daughter to make sure she does this. It's your husbands job to keep his family out of a matter than doesn't involve them and make sure they stay within their boundaries as well. Doesn't make it any easier, but your circumstance seems like it's manageable with some communication between you and your husband as well as between you and your mom and your husband and his parents.
  • @chottomotto unbelievable! Sorry to hear you had to go through all of that!
  • lest12lest12 member
    edited November 2015

    My MIL has been nothing but a nightmare since we've had DS.  I don't know if she finally realized that she wasn't the most important woman in her son's life anymore, but it is baaaaaaaaad.  We haven't spoken to her in months.  She doesn't even know I'm pregnant again.

    Personally I don't care at all, but I do feel bad for my husband.  She's been very hurtful and he doesn't deserve it.

     

    ETA - I shouldn't say I don't care, I care very much.  I mean, I don't care in a sense where if she's going to continue to act this way, then I'm not going to deal with her and she's not going to be around my children.  If she wants to start behaving, we can see where it goes but right now... she's not around and it's no sweat off of my back.

     

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  • vinerievinerie member
    edited November 2015
    ncm0328  I think your advice about "blood handles blood" is pretty smart. During our wedding planning I just told myself that I would deal with my people and let my H deal with his people. If we do that, we seem to manage these complicated relationships better. 

    And @yogahh I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you can navigate your way through it as it sounds really tough. I will say, though, after reading your story in FFFC and here and elsewhere, my sense from what you've posted is that your mom was offering an olive branch through the gift. I don't read it as manipulative. But it also sounds like trust is broken so your husband is seeing it within that context. I'm sorry :(
    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

    wamam027
  • @vinerie do you think it's possible your FIL is on the autistic spectrum? Raised some flags for me.
    *Siggy Warning*
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    wamam027SynnovusRanFan28
  • @vinerie I just feel like I've known my family since I was born, I can openly say "mom, too much, take a step back" where my husband may not feel comfortable saying that to her or anyone else in my family; although my family is pretty chill and he could probably tell them to shut the heck up and that they were annoying him and they'd be like "oh, alrighty then". Just as my husband telling his family to back off would go over a lot better than me telling them to back off (even though his telling him that didn't do much good but you get the picture). My husband wouldn't tell my best friend she's acting like a brat when she's acting like a brat, but I can! Just works for a smoother fix.
    childcaremama
  • @vinerie your FIL! what the heck?! I'd literally strangle anyone who kicked my dog. When my in laws don't refer to me by name I correct them, I don't care if they're mid sentence I'll talk over them and say "you mean Nina, my name is Nina". Don't even have patience for people like that anymore. You know my name, you're just being a total butt head by putting in more effort to NOT say my name than it would take TO say my name!! Gah! So sorry! Id peace out for a massage and a pedicure while he's visiting and make them last as long as possible lol.
    LemmyRNvinerieLovingLife!silverspring81@hotmail.com
  • wamam027wamam027 member
    edited November 2015
    yogahh said:

    I don't know about you guys, but it makes me feel better to see that I am not the only one in a bad family situation.

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    Totally makes me feel better!
  • I see it's alot of in law drama! I have that too of course, but I have alot more issues with my parents. There's a really long back story that I won't bore you with, but basically my husband and I set up rules when we moved in together and we shared them with everyone. We're both private people. We don't like people sticking their noses where they don't belong, and if you plan to stop by to our house give us a call first.

    All the rules were easily obeyed by everyone until DS #1 was born. I expected the drop in for a little while and always ended the visit with a kind reminder that especially now that I have a baby, I'd prefer a heads up for visitors so I'd be home and dressed. It was ok for a little while. Then out of nowhere my parents started just stopping by whenever they felt like it. If we weren't home I'd get angry voice mails about how they drove all the way to my house and how rude it was that I wasn't there. That pissed me off enough. They did stop dropping by randomly after the 5th or 6th time we weren't home, and called first. OK great! Back to normal! So they come over. Eat my food. Drink my drinks. Watch my tv. That's it. They didn't even acknowledge the presence of their grandson. And every time they'd stay until well past bed time and I'd say repeatedly I need to get spencer to sleep and theyd just cut me off and say "so put him to sleep, that's fine". When in fact it was not fine at all because my son couldn't sleep when he could hear people laughing and screaming in the next room! One day I just told them no they couldn't come over and they haven't asked since.
    I had another baby last December. They ooo and ahh over my oldest at every family party. They don't even give my youngest a second look. Not only that but at christmas when he was 3 weeks old the family was playing pass the baby which is fine, whatever. I gave him to my aunt to use the bathroom and she gave him to my mom. OK that's fine. Then mom gave him to my dad. Also fine. I went and played with my oldest. I heard my baby screaming at the top of his lungs so I go get him. He is full on soaked from his head to his feet (literally, wet hat, wet onsie, wet pants, wet socks, exploded diaper) and I asked why no one said anything and brought him to me, to which my dad responds "he's fine, he's just a little wet. Stop over reacting". Maybe I am crazy and over reacting but a 3 week old baby should never explode a diaper to the point of being that wet. I should have changed him before pass the baby but I honestly thought someone would bring him to me or my husband if he needed changed. Lesson learned.

    They still don't know about this baby. And I plan to keep it that way.
    LemmyRNLovingLife!
  • kbrands7kbrands7 member
    edited November 2015
    @vinerie your FIL sounds a lot like mine. Definitely clueless, though he is generally well-meaning and does give hugs. He had a better reaction to being told about #2 and said, "Oh, that's nice. That's good news." For the first...his first grandchild... He said, "Oh, really?" Then asked DH about the weather here. DH was really upset about that. FIL tends to make a big deal out of simple problems too-- because of this, he still hasn't met our son. (DH's family lives in Chicago. Everyone else who is close to him has made it out several times. We've housed people, offered to pay; he has time and scheduled once, then canceled at the last minute. DH doesn't want to embark on an 8hr drive into chaos with a one year old...and I fully support that.) He's very loving in his own way, but that way can be pretty gruff sometimes. DH has a sometimes good, sometimes tense relationship with him. Generally speaking, both of DH's parents were pretty awful to him growing up and he raised his younger siblings. He's been able to repair things for the most part with his dad after his parents divorced, but not with his mom who was abusive. I've been with DH for 11 years and have never met my MIL. Yet, she still manages to be a PITA via his siblings. It's really amazing and frustrating sometimes how much chaos an essentially nonexistent person can create emotionally. I'm sure it would be much worse if we had regular contact though. His siblings, aunts and uncles, and grandmother are all awesome people all around though. I actually wish that they lived closer to us so that we could see them more than a few times per year. Both of his grandfathers were apparently fantastic people too, who my husband learned a lot from-- DS's name is a nod to them. Eta in terms of boundary control, it's my family who we have to set limits with. Otherwise, they would drop in or call anytime, everyday. I had to set multiple call rules with them too because they had gotten in the habit of calling my cell, then if I don't answer, calling DH's cell, and if he didn't answer, calling the house phone. For random shit. A quick conversation wherein I strongly hinted that if they kept calling that way, especially in the evenings, DS wouldn't get to sleep well, and they wouldn't get anymore grandchildren/great grandchildren helped immensely. They're fantastic otherwise.


    LemmyRNLovingLife!
  • I suddenly feel bad for complaining about my MIL recently. Wow, some of you ladies really have it tough, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that!

    My complaint is very minor in comparison. My MIL is a great lady but her husband/DH's father died of cancer before I met him and she has never remarried. Since her children are grown now, she gets very, very lonely, and sometimes gets really emotional over stupid things. I guess she was really looking forward to telling her friends about the pregnancy, since it is the first grandchild, and she threw a full-on fit in our living room when we told her that we really didn't want the news to spread to facebook quite yet. We even told her it was totally fine for her to tell her friends (she had planned a big reveal brunch and not even asked us about it first), we just requested that she tell her friends to avoid talking about the topic on social media. She spent the next 20 minutes telling her how selfish we were being and how much she was suffering. When we explained to her that it was because there were still some people we wanted to tell in person, and we won't be able to see them until Thanksgiving, she said she didn't understand why we didn't just call people. UGH. This is just one of several odd outbursts she has had. But, I must say, I think I'll take her lonely, sad outbursts over what you ladies have been dealing with!!!


    LemmyRNLovingLife!
  • lalala2004 I don't know enough about autism to say. That being said, when I first met him I immediately thought he had some sort of social disorder. He seems to see communication and other types of interpersonal behavior as very utilitarian. Example: He likes to trade facts when he talks. He sees what he shares as a way to learn, not as a way to bond. To me, that is all very autism-like. 

    BUT...now that I've spent more time with him, I don't think he has a disorder. I think he really just never learned about the value of intimacy and how to show it. And he doesn't care to try. I also think he's uncomfortable around certain kinds of women (like me). Despite all his cluelessness and overall lack of warmth toward me, he is fantastic with his step granddaughter who absolutely adores him. He's fantastic with his own granddaughter, too. He basically is like a big kid and doesn't mind the chaos and noise and disorder that goes along with having kids around. To me, that isn't consistent with what I know about autism, but again, I don't know much. 
    I don't know...maybe he does have some sort of disorder and doesn't know how to reach out and be warm. But I SEE him do so many things for other people in his life. He likes to help needy people, although sometimes he gets taken advantage of (he has a number of women living in his house as 'boarders.' It's a long story and VERY touchy subject with DH who is kind of embarrassed by the situation). But I think it pleases him to know that he's helping these women by offering them a place to stay. The problem is that he does tons of things for them yet can't be bothered to call and chat with his own son. When he comes to visit, these ladies call him for things all the time and he jumps to answer the phone--like when we are in the middle of a conversation at dinner!

    I know...more than you asked for. I do have to say, there is no menace behind his behavior. But I think my husband and I deserve some attention and kindness, too. 




    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

    LemmyRNLovingLife!lalala2004
  • Jparke2Jparke2 member
    edited November 2015
    @vinerie Your father in law sounds a lot like my older brother, and my older brother also happens to get along really well with children! My brother is an odd guy and my mom and I have discussed at length that we are pretty sure he has some kind of undiagnosed autism, possibly Aspergers. For my brother, I know he is a good person, but he often misses social cues or doesn't understand the significance of certain social norms, which can make him come off like he doesn't care or is rude. For instance, I knew my brother wouldnt really be very excited about me being pregnant and I knew he'd have an underwhelming reaction, which he did. He doesn't enjoy being around babies. But as soon as my child is 2 or 3, my brother will really enjoy spending time with him/her, he LOVES little kids. I have come to understand how my brother works so it doesn't offend or bother me. But I can totally understand you being frustrated with your FIL. He sounds like a difficult person to be around/

    Edited to add: My brother does the same thing about helping friends/non family members. He has a few close friends who he would do ANYTHING for. I mean, he puts them above himself. But he often can't be bothered to talk to his family. We think its because he probably feels like his family doesnt have a choice other than to love him, and he values people who CHOOSE to be around him more because somehow their affection/love means more to him since it isnt mandatory. 


    LovingLife!Sharra13vinerie
  • I was going to share a story or two about my MIL but I'm fuming mad at my mom right now, so I'll share...

    About an 2 hrs ago I got into a car accident and was standing at the side of the road exchanging information with the guy. My mom drives up next to me in her car, rolls down the window and says are you ok? I told her I was fine, but shaken up & was crying at the time. And without pulling off to side, or asking me if I needed help, she just drives off! I can't begin to tell you how disappointed and hurt I am by her.

    Maybe I'm overreacting because of the pregnancy hormones, but I just can't imagine ever doing that to my own daughter.

    When I finally got home, I had the chance to tell her I wish she would have stopped to actually see if I was ok, and replied that I am a drama queen.

    It makes me sad.

    Our relationship has taken a toll since I've lived with her the past few months- she calls me a bitch for no apparent reason about every week, she is controlling, and manipulative and sometimes I feel like H, DD and I need to get out of the house. I wish there were better options.

    I called my OB and she said to just relax and call if there is any red spotting. I feel so relieved that LO appears to be fine.

    Thanks for listening to my vent.
    LovingLife!
  • @Jenly17 first off, so glad you are ok! Take care of yourself, I'm sure regardless you are still quite shaken up and will be worried about baby for the next few days until things are 100% in the clear. As for your mom, I cannot even believe she just took off! I'm a very independent person, however, seriously?! You stop and ask if I'm ok and you don't even wait until the other guy involved drives off to REALLY make sure I'm ok? I don't think you're being a drama queen whatsoever.
    LovingLife!chottomotto
  • Mine is really stupid but really irritating for me. We weren't going to find out the sex of our baby but DH decided he wants to (it was his turn to pick with this one). MIL has been saying the whole time that she is finding out no matter what bc she wants to know for shopping/planning reasons. Well, I told MIL we are doing a small family dinner with a reveal cake. I am taking the results to a baker and having them do one. She said "No, bring it to me and I will do it." The whole point is that we all will find out at the same time as a DAMN FAMILY! I mean I get the excitement but just bc you're grandma doesn't mean you get extra special treatment. It's just irritating.

    Also, DD did so well with no passie. Then MIL steps in.... At 2 years old (2YEARS FREAKIN OLD) DD is now so addicted to her passie that MIL gave her and continues to let my niece have (she's 4 and lives with ILs). I don't really care so much about my niece but when DD is over there she wants what my niece has too so there you have it. I told DH she shouldn't go over there if this is how it's going to go. He said he will refuse to let them go over there if this new LO gets a passie there... Uh huh...we shall see.

    Also, my SIL is a drug addict and refuses to take care of her child that lives in the same house as her. It has turned my niece into a monster bc she's learned at an early age to play IL's and her mom against each other...Therefore she gets whatever she wants whenever. Anyone see the old movie The Bad Seed? Yeah... my niece is the new Rhoda.
    image
    Been married since 2009.
    Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
    Several MCs
    DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)



    LovingLife!
  • @ncm0328 She's the master of a guilt trip, so even if she did something wrong, I'm made to feel like I'm the bad guy. Thanks so much for your kind words. Also, I read your IL issues, and feel for you, mama. Some people are really twisted. My MIL sounds a lot like your IL's with the crazy talk. I have no advice, but I do feel for you!
    LovingLife!
  • edited November 2015
    @ncm0328 - wow, I thought I was reading about my MIL. SIL is great but your MIL is exactly what mine is like. Maybe they are from the same family. DH didn't date before he met me so I was the first woman in his life beside mom and sister. Mom tried splitting us up the whole time we dated. DH tried to have a relationship with her but realized it was going nowhere except her trying to control him all the while insulting him and berating him for his personality and life choices. She used every excuse in the book to split us up: I have a debt (school loans), was raised a different Christian denomination (we are going to a nondenominational church and love it), I'm more liberal and they are super conservative, I have genetic disorders in my family (she even went as far as having a DNA test done, I agreed to it, just but then opened the results herself and proceeded to tell others about the results - they were normal). I could go on for days about all the drama and horrible events that happened. Things came to a head just after we were married when she went into my husband's place of employment and asked if we were using birth control, then said we should wait until I was 40 and if we had a "retarded" (hate that word) baby, that baby would never be in their will. We've never cared about being in their will and they took my husband out of their will years before since they weren't happy with him. Either way, my husband decided to cut contact and told her when she was ready to be civil and speak respectfully to him and me, he didn't want to hear from her again. I know they were really concerned about their grandchildren being "tainted" and "not normal" so them straight out saying that was the last straw for my husband. Needless to say, after a year of her spouting more insults, blaming me for "tearing" him from his family, and berating us more, we haven't had any reconciliation. She did send me an email over the summer saying I needed to apologize and it's still all my fault. I haven't responded. We've talked about how we want to handle our pregnancy with them and we've decided to not share the news with them. I ultimately left it up to my husband, as they are his parents, and he really struggled with what to do for about a week but after looking at how he's been treated his whole life and especially since knowing me and with how they treat me, it's best to not have those kinds of people around us during this time and around our baby when we welcome him/her into our family. I'm sure they would welcome a "normal" baby but we want family and friends who will love him/her no matter what. We may change our minds later on but we're fine with this for now.
    LemmyRNLovingLife!silverspring81@hotmail.com
  • This going to be a long one. Sorry. I apologize in advance. 

    My MIL is a nightmare. My youngest son was her first grandchild. I knew she was going to be excited, but her excitement quickly turned to resentment once he was born. She was BS that I nursed my son. Told me that it was interfering with her bonding with him. She started asking to take him when he was 2 days old. She would flip out on my husband and I when we explained that he was too young and that I was nursing him and we were trying bond with him.

    When the baby was 3 weeks old we took him to my older son's hockey game. He was dressed appropriately (warm clothes) including a hat and a bundle me. She flipped out and stormed off with his car seat telling me that I was endangering my son by having him there. My husband took the car seat from her and told her she was being ridiculous and over reacting. She went home that night and continued to send him nasty text messages about me saying how I was a terrible mother and that she was his family first. I told my husband I wanted to have a meeting with both his parents to set some ground rules about boundaries. We scheduled a meeting for the next day.

    My MIL showed up without my FIL even after my husband asked that he be there.She told us that she told him to stay home this had nothing to do with him. She was really nasty with me during the whole conversation. She was very sarcastic, condescending, and rude. Told me that she was older, and wiser and had been a mother much longer than me. The conversation went on for a hour and was very tense. My husband and I were in complete shock about how rude she was. She told me that we don't have to be around each other. I told her if she wanted to have a relationship with this baby that we would need to be around each other and be cordial. I said you have made it very clear to me that you are not fond of me and that you wouldn't have picked me for your son. Her response was "Well you can't pick your family." I started crying when she said that and she yelled at me and said, "save your tears,  we are way past tears!" She then went on to tell me that she was jealous that I had a baby. WTF? 

    The meeting really didn't accomplish anything. She just continued her ridiculousness with me, never apologizing or acknowledging how nasty she was with me. She would refuse to give the baby back to me when it would be time for him to eat. It got so bad that myBIL would tell her, "Ma give the baby to Julie he needs to eat." Eventually she would but wasn't happy about it. This continued on for almost a year and a half. My husband addressed issues as they arose with his mother and even told her that she owed me an apology on several different occasions. She refused to apologize and told him that I was too sensitive and suffering from post partum depression.

     At this point she had caused a huge strain on my marriage. I only work on Wednesdays and she would make it a point to stop over on Wednesdays after my husband had repeatedly told her Wednesdays weren't a good day for visits. He told her at least 12 times. I ended up calling her and letting her know if she continued to go against our wishes she would not be allowed over. In June we moved to a new house and I told my husband she was not stepping foot in our new home till I got an apology from her for all the BS she had done and said. He completely agreed with me. Two weeks after we had been in the new house I got a phone call from her saying she was calling to apologize but wasn't sure what she was sorry for. She said that she had said things that she wished she could take back and just wanted to get along with me. I said that is all I have wanted was to get along with you. I said why did it take your son saying you were not welcome here for you to apologize? She let me know that she still didn't feel she owed me one and that she was doing it for her sons sake. My husband and I have been in marriage counseling for the last 6 months thanks to his mother. He is learning to stand up to his mother and not let her walk all over me or our marriage. I must say after our last experience I am nervous to see how she is going to be when our new baby arrives.
    LemmyRNLovingLife!
  • Jules5611  holy smokes. That is intense. I hope therapy helps you through that situation. 
    Jparke2 Thanks for the perspective. I do think I may have to work on understanding him better. I come from such an emotive family and background so it's very hard not to interpret his actions as cold and indifferent. But maybe you are right; maybe he just communicates differently and I do think there is a responsibility on my part to at least try and consider/understand that. 


    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

  • @Jenly17 glad you are at least aware that she's a master guilt tripper. It's the worst when people have no idea that they have a master at that craft and wind up feeling like a terrible person for no reason. At least with you knowing to expect that, maybe it doesn't make things as terrible as they could potentially be.

    As for my MIL and SIL sounding like yours, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hate hearing that so many people are so twisted and ugly hearted, it's hard enough accepting that there are two of them, let alone finding out there are a lot more like them!! Just horrible!
  • @Vinerie - Thanks. It has definitely helped. I was ready to walk away from him just to be rid of his mother. I had convinced myself that it would be easier for him and he would no longer be stuck in the middle and that his mother would be happy to have the baby on the weekends without having to deal with me. Glad we stuck with it and worked on our marriage. I couldn't imagine not being married to my husband. He really is a good husband and one amazing dad.

  • Wow! Sorry that you guys have to deal with that stuff!! Some people are seriously crazy. I kinda of have an issue with SO's mother, but it's not as intense as some of these stories.

    Pretty much when SO and I started dating, things weren't so good with him and his family (due to multiple things that have happened over a lifetime). I met his mother, father, sister, and niece the first time he took me to their house. Things went fine, everyone was polite. Then, I tried to add his mother as my friend on Facebook. This led her to finding out that I am a Pagan. She wouldn't be friends with me, and pretty much started telling my SO to "be careful" around me, and kind of saying that I was "bad" or "evil". SO defended me, so she blocked him on Facebook and wouldn't speak to him via text or phone call. We tried to go over to their house multiple times, and they would never answer the door for us, when we knew for sure they were there. She is quite a religious Christian. I didn't really mind that she disliked my religion, as I am used to it being a Pagan in the Bible Belt.

    Once she found out her son and I were expecting, she decided to finally add me as a friend and began talking to us again. She started messaging me lots of bible-y stuff, I think trying to make me say something about it. I just act like I didn't see them and chat with her anyway haha. They still won't answer the door for us when we come over.. Oh well, I'm sure they will soon since I'm further along.
    image
  • @Pomegranate1983 so so sorry to hear that you're going through something so similar. And I'm especially sorry that they've had to stoop to the level of voicing their concerns with your family's genetic background (like really, WHO DOES THAT?!) I am, however, so glad to hear that your husband accepts how terrible his parents have been and is supporting you, that makes all the difference, I know! Just don't let their comments and attempts at making your life difficult get to you, I know it's easier said than done, however I've (thankfully) finally gotten to a place where it doesn't bother me and I simply pray for them every night. I know who I am, those who love me know who I am, anyone who chooses to question my integrity or my relationship with God simply cannot offer me the unconditional love that family and friends are meant to offer in a relationship and that's their loss. Hoping you and your husband can get to a healthy place with the strained relationship as well! Thoughts and prayers to/for you!
    LovingLife!
  • Best forum discussion ever!! I have a MIL and a SIL that literally are the two most annoying people ever. They always stop the conversation whenever I enter the room and look, they basically planned my whole wedding for me even though I tried to have my own say they literally got so upset over it they cried when I said I wouldn't have had it that way. On my wedding day, my MIL booked in at my hairdressers and took 1 and half hours to get her hair put up, because apparently everyone would be looking at her!!
    LovingLife!
  • dchearddcheard member
    edited November 2015
    And then my hairdresser had to rush doing my hair, so it wasn't the way I wanted it and I got so mad I cried!! Then when I told them I was pregnant all they said was "oh cool" seriously how hard is congratulations to say! Grrrr
    LovingLife!
  • evamartaevamarta member
    edited November 2015
    My SO and I just got in a huge blow out over his mom.

    My SO things I'm judgmental and mean and says I'm putting his mom down, which I'm not. All I'm asking for are some boundaries so that I can find my place as a first time mom and as per usual, he's getting upset with me and taking his mom's side and accusing me of overreacting for no reason. I feel crazy and maybe I am. I just feel like a bad person all over again and I'm sick of feeling this way when it comes to her. ):
    LovingLife!
  • YOU GUYS. I am so relieved to see that I'm not the only one dealing with crazies! 

    I could write a novel about MIL. She has no filter and says hurtful things. Then when you call her out, she denies saying it and says that people made it up. Umm...6 people heard you. You lie! 

    Cries and manipulates FIL and her whole family to get her way. Gossips behind everyone's back. (That's stopping now since all of my SILs talk and we tell each other everything she's said about us.) Spends like crazy and has put them through bankruptcy twice. Cuts people off while talking. Majorly insecure and has to try and tear others down (me) to make herself feel better. Said she'd pay for the lunch after our wedding. Flaked when the bill showed up and made my grandparents pay. 

    We have had multiple family meetings and she has never once taken responsibility for anything she has said or done. She says that it's in the past and I need to forgive her. Then proceeds to continue her behavior. 

    Recently there have been some big events that are breaking down walls in DH's family, and communication has been a lot better. DH's fam just ignored her in the past to get through life without going crazy. Now they are actually confronting her on stuff and calling her out - which is nice since I used to be the only one doing it! DH has had to learn to stand up to her and it's been hard. She's a master guilt tripper. Belittles DH and it makes me furious! What kind of mother does that?! And asks her son not to tell his wife things? Please. I didn't want her at DD2's birth because she is a giant ball of stress. I wanted it to be DH & I and wanted a VBAC. So MIL pulls DH aside and says, "Just call me when she goes into labor, she doesn't have to know." I was livid. He ultimately didn't call her (yay DH!) and MIL showed him by not coming to see the baby for 3 months. Fine by me, but DH was really hurt by that. During my labor with DD1, MIL just showed up at the hospital and took DH away from me right as the epidural wore off and I was feeling painful pitocin-induced contractions! She thinks she is more important than the woman in labor. 

    Holidays are a nightmare with her. Always talking about how she got gypped. Our families live 30 minutes apart and she's made it clear that she doesn't want to spend time with my family because "it's weird". We make plans, she demands more. We were driving to her house at 10PM on Christmas day while my daughter screamed the whole drive because MIL threw a hissy fit and demanded we go to her house to open gifts instead of open them at her sister's. We should have been going HOME. She is so selfish. My family, on the other hand, will move holidays so that we can celebrate with them! Talk about love. 

    I could go on for days! I pray every day for acceptance, patience, and love for that woman. She's been such a huge stressor on our marriage and I just never thought it would be this way! Every guy I dated, their mothers loved me! Then the one I marry has one who hates my guts haha 

    Thanks for posting this and reading my vent! Can't believe how many of us have crazies in our lives. Doesn't it just make you want to be the most loving, low-maintenance parents and ILs for your children and their spouses? 
    evamartachildcaremamaLemmyRN
  • So glad this thread is here because shit just hit the fan. Anytime DH and I get into a disagreement he turns it into an issue with my mom. Well I finally let it out that I don't particularly love his mom, she's pretentious and annoying. She wouldn't let me send wedding announcements to his family (gift grabby) but asked me to print pictures to send to her friends.. It's the same thing. When o told her I wanted to send announcements she says "is that what people from Pittsburgh do" like she was putting me down. I'm still bothered by that. She didn't want to send announcements because it was "gift grabby" but wants to throw a shower for me so HER friends can come (told me that a shower would have to be where her friends can travel to by car, with little concern to how my friends without cars would get three.)I just flipped out on DH that it's weird and that I find her grating. Why did I do this?? Even though I don't love her I have tried my best to be a good daughter in law and now I just fucked that all up. Thinking of calling off sick today. The last thing I want to do right now is to go to work. This is bad... And all because he claims I sighed when I needed to move out of the way for him.

    cat fail animated GIF

  • Gather 'round kids, it's time for tales from the cheap and other BSC in-law stories! Don't worry they're mostly short and easy to read. First a little background...
    Mrs. Schicksal: An only child
    MIL: Dad wasn't in the picture and her mom worked at the Playboy Mansion. Seriously.
    FIL: Retired from Corps of Engineers, now works for the government. He made good money as either a GS13 or 14 but has always been beyond cheap. The MIL is cheap too, and they've had financial planners go over their affairs only to be told that everything is fine. This is very important because it makes half the stories just that much more crazy.

    While we were dating...
    - When we were dating (long distance). Mrs. Schicksal was going to school and still lived at home. She told a couple of stories where her mom hit her but I didn't quite believe it until she left her phone on the car seat one time while it happened and I could hear for myself. Suddenly I realized why she was so anxious to pack up and get out of there, apparently it had been going on for years.
    - Before she moved out to where I lived her car was totaled by someone who didn't look before pulling out. The MIL kept the cash and told her to try and find another car for under $1,000. She moved across the country with whatever she could fit into three bags that she checked on her Southwest flight. I got to ferry her to/from community college for the next three months on my way to work until we could find her a decent car to get around in.
    - She patched things up a bit with her mom and she decided to come out to Seattle to check the place out. To this day I have no idea what she actually saw. Her picture of the Space Needle was from zoomed all the way in from a long distance with 1/3 of it visible between two tall buildings. I do know that one of her high points was getting to go to Big Lots. She thought that was loads of fun.
    - In-laws buy a new house from a builder known for being cheap in the exurbs of the city. They complain about driving/gas/oil constantly to this day.

    While we were engaged... we moved to the city her parents lived in.
    - 2008, we did Thanksgiving at the future in-laws place. Her dad went to Wal Mart on black friday and got a brand new TV, the square tube kind that was 24 inches at the absolute most. It was an upgrade from their maybe 19 inch set. He might have paid up to $75 for it. Her mom saw it and just freaked out! She couldn't believe he spent all that money and blah blah blah, take it back... The FIL is probably the only person to have to take something back on black friday before noon.
    - Time to start looking at wedding dresses. The MIL refuses to look at anything that's not on Ali Express to try and keep things cheap. I think she wanted to keep it under $200 or so. This horrified MIL's sister who covered an actual wedding dress that looked good.
    - Word got back to me that I needed to keep it to immediate family only, which I don't really have because family on my side is so small. No friends, coworkers or any of that in order to keep costs low. This changes a week before the wedding but it was far too late for me to do anything about it at that point. I spend the next three months apologizing to people I would have invited.
    - We wanted to have someone video the wedding. MIL says she's got it covered so she buys something mega-cheap online that comes complete with a charger that fits Chinese wall outlets. She successfully recorded the first minute and a half of the wedding, right up until the point where everyone turned around because Mrs. Schicksal was entering the room... only for it to run out of memory at that exact moment!

    While we were married and still living there...
    - Six of us were crammed into the in-laws Corolla. They had two foreign exchange students they were taking to a nice park north of the city and for some reason we came with. I have no clue what they started arguing about but they got into some kind of weird slap fight on the way there (hand/arm slapping). That was more than awkward for the four of us in the back seat and to this day I wonder what the exchange students were thinking.

    Since moving here...
    - Mrs. Schicksal remained over there for a semester after I moved in order to graduate from the university. The MIL couldn't stand to be so far away from her so she booked a flight over maybe a week or two after graduation, but failed to realize that we had also just closed on our house so nearly everything was still in boxes while I painted over some awful colors the people who lived here before chose. While I was at work the MIL decided to "help" despite the wife pleading her not to. She tried priming over some of the deep purple walls but did a bad job of it and got paint all over the hardwood floor instead. Seriously, who thinks that it's a good time to visit when the people you're visiting haven't even unpacked yet?!
    - During this trip she also had to find Big Lots and have a visit. They do have those where she lives, by the way. While visiting they also like to point out how gas is up to 3 cents more per gallon than it is where they are while shaking their head and going on about how that's just too much.
    - Her and the FIL have visited a few times more since then, usually apart. To be cheap they normally book flights that leave as early as possible and insist upon being there 2 hours early so I get to ferry them to the airport at 4am. Awesome.
    - They scheduled another visit while I was in the later stages of completely rebuilding about 1,300 square feet of our house, then the MIL went on about how it was "ghetto" that there were tools lying around (this was DIY) even though they were being stored in a nearby room they would not need to go in or out of. Since the MIL can't leave things alone when asked she decided to rearrange everything and scatter (hide) them throughout the house, which took a month to recover from.


    Their next trip falls right in the middle of the 2nd trimester and when we'll be about halfway through rebuilding the master bedroom/bathroom/closet, and they're bringing their foreign exchange student this time. I can't wait. The MIL is also thinking about moving over here for four months after the baby is born. :(
    LemmyRN
  • yogahh  ((((hugs)))))
    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

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