Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice - Page 2 — The Bump
November 2015 Moms

Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice

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Re: Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice

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  • What you did was beyond rude and you owe her a huge apology! As PP have mentioned you can not dictate how someone spends their money.
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    beautyundefinedSassenach1743
  • brbeck7brbeck7
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Photogenic
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    edited October 2015
    MIL already bought gifts, and I am not saying that she shouldn't. I believe she told the baby shower guests everything that her MIL had already gotten them, so in no way does she look like she hasn't supported her son and new grandchild. My in laws have gone above and beyond to help out with their soon to be grandchild, however my mother who has been a single parents since I was 3 and has a hard time working because of an auto immune disorder can't afford a lot, so I would have done most anything to help my own mother not feel bad. My MIL got us a beautiful new crib, mattress, swing, and many other things. However she only presented the crib at the shower because she is aware of what my mother goes through and didn't want her to feel bad. The situation should have been explained better to the MIL, because I am sure if she new the reasoning that she wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad. There should have been better communication that way no ones feelings would have gotten hurt.

    -also I am not sure what WK stands for but I am sure you're not meaning it in a positive way. Let me just state that I hardly ever comment on here because if your opinion differs from another you get bashed- hatefully. This gal asked for opinions and while 99.9% of you disagree with mine doesn't mean you should sit there and rip it apart. Even if you think the gal who posted is being stupid there is a respectful way to go about replying to her post.The women on these boards are so mean to one another instead of supportive. Yes, I am aware that people are asking for opinions and should be able to take whatever is said but why are you all just so down right mean about it? Half of the people signed up on the bump probably look at posts and want to comment but are afraid to because of the downright hurtful things that people say if they don't agree. State your feelings and leave it. Obviously the person who posted this is feeling upset about the situation so why make her feel any worse? 
    sarward28riott1977skabanak
  • I'm still confused as to why you think it was your responsibility to make your mom and sister feel better about your MIL buying gifts for your baby. I highly doubt your MIL was snubbing them by buying things for HER GRANDBABY (because in case you forgot, she does have a stake in this, too. She is a grandma, too). Even if (and this is a HUUUUUUGE if because it doesn't sound like the case at all) she was buying items to show off, it's still not your responsibility to make your mom and sister feel better about it - they're grown adults who can fight their own battles - not that this was one that needed to be fought.

    You need to apologize right now. Although I gotta say, if I was your MIL, you would get your wish - I'd be hard pressed to want to shower you or your baby with love through gifts if that's the way you're going to act. You're going to need to be making up for this for a loooooong time. 
    Pontot31japostolova
  • This is the reason why I didn't open gifts at my shower !!! It was a bit rude especially since it was done at a gathering. If you guys were alone it would of been different. I understand where you are coming from with the in laws and parents. My mil baught a lot of stuff, no big ticket but a bassinet and clothing up the wazoo. She also baught and helped me with decorations while my mother lives in another state. My mom felt the same way but understood how exciting a new bundle of joy can be, expecially after the losses we experienced. I choose to do parents gift sepratly to avoid that feeling for one another. I would do the apology as soon as possible. Even if you feel you didn't do anything wrong, be the bigger person.
    brbeck7
  • brbeck7 said:

    I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be. 

    No

    The whole purpose in giving gifts should be the GIVING, not the receiving. I know I much prefer to give a gift and see the reaction from the recipient. She was invited to a baby shower which by definition is a gift giving event. If it makes her MIL happy to give gifts and it's what she wants to do then she shouldn't be made to feel bad for doing so. I actually think it's wrong that the OP told her not to bring a gift in the first place but then to follow that up with the reaction and humiliation she gave to her MIL on receiving the gift is disgraceful. I'm sure her MIL was deeply upset by it as she spent time and thought on what to give her grandchild at this gift giving event just to have it thrown back in her face. I genuinely feel really sorry for the MIL here.

    And I agree with PP, if her mother or sisters have issues with how much the MIL is spending then tough, that's their problem and quite frankly is very petty and ridiculously materialistic. At my shower I got gifts which I knew were expensive and gifts which were homemade, every single one was appreciated equally. Love isn't measured in wealth!
    Sassenach1743Gapeach83fairestblair
  • Assuming you have a better relationship with your mom than with your MIL, both of you should have just let your MIL go nuts on the gifting if she likes. you have a bond with your mom that MIL will never be able to buy into. My MIL does the same thing but me and my mom know how she is and just let her be. 

    Some people just turn everything into a competition, for example, at my second baby shower my MIL showed up with a female family member that doesn't have a lot of money. She brought a little gift bag anyway with a stuffed animal in it, it was cute and I was grateful. BUT MIL just had to mention after the girl left the party that she was actually the one that bought the stuffed toy and gave it to the girl so she didn't show up empty handed.  No one needed to know that, but she just had to say it...
  • brbeck7 said:

    I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be. 

    Bottom line, and it's been said about 10 times already, you can't dictate to people how they spend their money. Who knows what was even in the gift box. Maybe it was a family hand-me-down that is sentimental or a hand-made item? My MIL and mother gave gifts prior to and at both of my family showers. They were small little things compared to the large gifts given in advance, so I know it was just to give a "little something extra" and I graciously accepted the gifts. That's all OP needed to do and move on.
    oorl11052015helsbels222
  • No, never ok to do what you did, OP.
    You humiliated her in front of everyone at your baby shower. How is that ok at all? She's your MIL, meaning she's in your life as long as you live, since you're having her first grandchild.

    Second, consider your blessings that she wants to go overboard on your little one. All the PPs pretty much said it all.

    Your mom and SIL obviously have issues with other people being well off financially. Do you have issues with that too, or why did you marry her son?

    You damaged a potential precious relationship that many of women wish they had with their MILs. Don't be immature and think so high of yourself. You don't know what she went through in her life before meeting her, and I'm sure she is genuine in wanting to be a blessing in your life because you are her daughter in law.

    You have a huge task now of cleaning up this mess and to be sure you don't do this kind of thing again.
    oorl11052015Sassenach1743japostolovafairestblair
  • On another note, my IL has made no gifts at all, my DH sister neither.
    But my family already has offered a lot of gifts, crafted clothing and more. There is no competition between them, they both accept how the other family is. 
    My in laws are planning to come and babysit for a few weeks when I start going back to work, and they are not material people, that's why there is no gifts, this is their way to help....for them a kid can play in the grass with no toys, by himself, he should entertain himself, lol.


    Your family has to accept this is how your MIL shows most her affection. And yes, the fact that it was rude is not that you reproached her to have made a gift, you can always say "it is too much, you should not have" and thank her, but it is that you did not open her card. This was rude. 

    And when I say "please no gift needed, not necessary etc" it is usually by politeness, so she may have found you exceptionally polite, which is why she was even more shocked by your behavior afterward. We usually don't go run around encouraging/asking people for gifts.



    oorl11052015Cook3133
  • I actually got many compliments on my shower for not opening gifts. Thank you.
    brbeck7skabanak
  • I agree you owe your MIL on apology, but I also see you were just trying to make everyone happy (even if it did not work out that way). I would apologize and just be honest with your MIL that you did not mean to come across as rude and did not see at the time that your actions would be interpreted that way. I am sure if you brought her some of her favorite chocolates or wine, that might help mend some bridges also.
    At my bridal shower the invites asked for no gifts (we really did not need anything), but almost everyone brought something. Afterwards I thought about it and i probably would of brought a gift also if I was invited, so I cannot blame your MIL for bringing something.
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  • How does this turn on me. I didn't open gifts because it wasn't a traditional baby shower is was more of a party. The guest were informed about this prior and they put there gifts in baskets with a transparent wrap. I also sent each individual a beautiful detailed thank you card with pictures of there items of me opening it. Judge all you want. I honestly don't care. People don't like going to showers because they find it stuffy or at least where I am from. Iv had many people tell me please don't open gifts, maybe they were also the rude ones. Iv had people thank me for not opening gifts. Iv also heard many people complain during the gift opening process at previous showers.
    brbeck7
  • I'm sorry but what you did is rude and you should change your perspective on this. So many people do not have support from extended family members. I can't believe someone is complaining about TOO many gifts received for their baby.

    I call this first world problems.....which we are all guilty of at some point (had one this weekend and hubby gave me a well deserved reality check) but I think you need snap out of it and be grateful for the support system you have.

    As for your family feeling like she is showing off. I would seriously ask my mother if she preferred less gifts for my baby? I know this is your family but they can be wrong too. Negativity and jealousy can be a nasty thing- and what you did adds nothing but fuel to the flames. Find your middle ground between the two and realize you were wrong for putting her out there like that.
    Sassenach1743japostolovaPontot31msjudithk
  • I would have opened the card at the shower, and said a simple "thank you" without acknowledging what was inside (if it was a cheque, cash, gift card, etc).  After the shower you could have spoken with her privately to let her know that you appreciate the gifts, but that the amount of them is making you feel uncomfortable.  Perhaps set up an education fund for baby and let grandma know about it?

    I've had the exact opposite with my parents and in laws, none of them have gotten/made/passed down anything to baby yet.   She's due next week so perhaps they are waiting for her to arrive, I think I would definitely also feel uncomfortable with the expensive gifts but would handle it on a 1:1 basis instead of in front of others.
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  • My MIL whom I've never met has gone above and beyond for me and this baby and whilst its overwhelming I am so undeniably grateful for her help and love for her unborn first grandchild already. I didn't expect anything from her (I didn't expect anything from anyone), and whilst I think she's done "too" much, she's done it all out of love and for her sheer excitement over becoming a nana. She bought the carseat she knew I wanted, paid off my layby at a baby store AND bought me a baby safety kit worth $50 and a play mat worth $100. I don't think its about "who can spend the most money", I think its about them genuinely being excited and sharing that joy with you. Your family shouldn't feel lesser because they cant afford to spend what she has. My small gifts were just as appreciated as my big ones and this child will never think one family member "loves" them more because they spent more money on them. I can see where youre coming from but I think you should've just been polite and accepted her gift instead of single her out in front of all those people. She obviously cares a lot and you don't want to burn any bridges or create any awkwardness when bubs arrives with her. goodluck x
    oorl11052015MRSJESSICAX
  • If I went to a shower and they didn't open my gift, I would be really confused. Isn't that one of the main reasons people attend a shower? I didn't know not opening gifts was a thing! "Like hey thanks for getting me this totally awesome gift that I don't know what it is but ya thanks for coming bye".

    Aiiiiiiiiii


    I was actually really hesitant to open gifts at my shower because I had several people show up that my mom invited who love to show off that they have money.. I still opened gifts though.. But I knew they were going to give me really expensive things which is great I like nice things but knowing they only got it because they wanted to out do other people really bugged me.. I still excepted the gifts and kept my mouth shut though.. But never would it ever have crossed my mind to ever do anything as rude and crazy like OP.. Ever in my life..
    RaisingJulian
  • How does this turn on me. I didn't open gifts because it wasn't a traditional baby shower is was more of a party. The guest were informed about this prior and they put there gifts in baskets with a transparent wrap. I also sent each individual a beautiful detailed thank you card with pictures of there items of me opening it. Judge all you want. I honestly don't care. People don't like going to showers because they find it stuffy or at least where I am from. Iv had many people tell me please don't open gifts, maybe they were also the rude ones. Iv had people thank me for not opening gifts. Iv also heard many people complain during the gift opening process at previous showers.

    I think what OP did was extremely rude and I would be offended if that had been done to not only me but anyone at a party that I attended. However, I would not be offended if none of the gifts at a shower were opened. It wouldn't matter to me. I am there to support the guest of honor not show off for my gift I brought. I agree there is nothing wrong with you not opening gifts at all but that's a whole different situation then what OP did. I actually would appreciate someone opening thier gifts in private where they can really see what special things each guest got them and then sending thank you cards.
    MercyC1130skabanak
  • Not to make you feel more down about it, but please be grateful. There are many moms out there that don't even get showers, let alone gifts! Even if your mother thinks its showing off, who cares! Just be thankful she did that....that was very generous.
    Please apologize to her and your husband. That was unnecessary.
    oorl11052015japostolova
  • Personally I put time and effort into getting anyone a gift. I work hard for my money and when I buy someone something I have them in mind and am giving out if love. I like to think I do a good job picking them out so I love watching people open their gifts. Even kids at a birthday party and they are brutally honest!

    Also it's nice to hear them say thank you in person, I don't expect thank you cards if they do.

    The only exception of not opening gifts in front of people when you attend an event that you bring one is to a wedding IMO.
    jabbottscottkmcc14
  • I think talking to her about it, maybe with your husband would be a good idea. I get the feeling like there's issues with your families feeling like they need money to prove their love. However it is, I think still opening the present and thanking her would have been polite. If your mom/sister were annoyed they can't place that on you and they'll get over it. Hope you all work it out!
  • I think your heart was in the right place, thinking about your mother and sister, but I can also see how it came across to your MIL. I might have talked to the MIL in private before the shower (or just opened the card during and spoken to her after the shower) and let her know the feelings behind why you were asking her not to bring a card. I think it would have been completely fine asking her if you could open the card together in private, but calling it out in front of everyone at the shower may have made things more rather than less awkward.
    MargaretC5
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