Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice - Page 3 — The Bump
November 2015 Moms

Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice

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Re: Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice

  • I should have never posted this.

    Mostly because no one knows my MIL. She's not a nice person. She vindictive, she's negative and a history that I can't even begin to describe.

    That being said, no I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I knew she went ahead a brought a gift after she agreed not to, then I would have talked to her right away and asked if we could save it for the hospital. She's already spent over $600 of money she really can't afford. Everyone knew she bought some big ticket items and I didn't call her out in front of everyone. Everyone was talking to each other but for those watching I said she's been more than generous and I can't open this right now. I went to talk to her almost immediately after gift opening abd she didn't want to talk to me, she yelled at me and stormed out. I couldn't possibly explain my idea because she wouldn't let me.

    After spending a fortune already, I thought it would be more special to wait until baby is born for that gift. I didn't have intentions to hurt her feelings. I told her from the beginning that she wasn't invited a guest, she was invited to come and meet some of my friends and family that she has not met yet.
  • flas said:

    brbeck7 said:

    I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be. 

    Actually yes, they pretty much do mean absolutely nothing. If I tell someone not to buy me a gift and they do does that mean the person should be made to feel embarrassed, or shamed for doing it. Also, I've only read that a card was given. I must have missed the part where there was a physical gift this time. Also how would anyone else at the party know that MIL bought a bunch of stuff. Maybe she was giving a card so it didn't look like she hadn't done anything for the baby.
    Everyone knew what she bought previously. Also she planned a get together with her sisters and they knew what she bought and she brought another gift to that. It had nothing to do with shower etiquette. I saw her 2 hours before the shower. We watched my hubby's hockey game together. I wish she had just said "hey I know you said don't bring a gift but I did" theb I could have talked to her privately before hand and said "hey you really shouldn't have because you've been too generous as it is but if you want to give the gift then how about we save it for the hospital". Instead she said nothing and then I was put in this situation with people sitting all around me. When I opened the card attached to the gift I saw it was from her and I said, I'd like to put this one aside and not open it right now. That's all I said. I went to talked to her after opening gifts but she yelled at me and stormed out.

    I told her from the beginning, you are not invited as a shower guest, you are invites to come share this experience with us, no money involved.

    I understand my original post sounds bad but I was trying to shorten the story.
  • brbeck7 said:

    I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be. 

    Bottom line, and it's been said about 10 times already, you can't dictate to people how they spend their money. Who knows what was even in the gift box. Maybe it was a family hand-me-down that is sentimental or a hand-made item? My MIL and mother gave gifts prior to and at both of my family showers. They were small little things compared to the large gifts given in advance, so I know it was just to give a "little something extra" and I graciously accepted the gifts. That's all OP needed to do and move on.
    What if we lend her money frequently? Is it ok for her to use our money basically to buy us gift after gift?

    I don't have a great relationship with her but I would never intentionally make her feel bad. I never got the chance to ask her if we could open it at the hospital once baby is born. She yelled at me and left as soon as I started to ask if I could talk to her.
  • I should have never posted this. Mostly because no one knows my MIL. She's not a nice person. She vindictive, she's negative and a history that I can't even begin to describe. That being said, no I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I knew she went ahead a brought a gift after she agreed not to, then I would have talked to her right away and asked if we could save it for the hospital. She's already spent over $600 of money she really can't afford. Everyone knew she bought some big ticket items and I didn't call her out in front of everyone. Everyone was talking to each other but for those watching I said she's been more than generous and I can't open this right now. I went to talk to her almost immediately after gift opening abd she didn't want to talk to me, she yelled at me and stormed out. I couldn't possibly explain my idea because she wouldn't let me. After spending a fortune already, I thought it would be more special to wait until baby is born for that gift. I didn't have intentions to hurt her feelings. I told her from the beginning that she wasn't invited a guest, she was invited to come and meet some of my friends and family that she has not met yet.

    I too, have a very evil MIL. But I still don't think your actions were warranted and when she called you rude, she was correct. Two wrongs don't make a right and just because you suggest something doesn't mean she has to listen to you. You still have to apologize, which I really hope you have done already. And it's for her to decide when is the most special time for you to open the gift she got for you. As others have said, if she spends a ton of money it's not really your business and you should handle the gifts with gratefulness and thank you's instead of deeming when they will be "more" special. (judging from your post, that's not even the reason it wasn't opened. It was to spare your sister and Mother's feelings) 


    BabyFruit Ticker
    jabbottscottMercyC1130MargaretC5Pontot31


  • I should have never posted this.

    Mostly because no one knows my MIL. She's not a nice person. She vindictive, she's negative and a history that I can't even begin to describe.

    That being said, no I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I knew she went ahead a brought a gift after she agreed not to, then I would have talked to her right away and asked if we could save it for the hospital. She's already spent over $600 of money she really can't afford. Everyone knew she bought some big ticket items and I didn't call her out in front of everyone. Everyone was talking to each other but for those watching I said she's been more than generous and I can't open this right now. I went to talk to her almost immediately after gift opening abd she didn't want to talk to me, she yelled at me and stormed out. I couldn't possibly explain my idea because she wouldn't let me.

    After spending a fortune already, I thought it would be more special to wait until baby is born for that gift. I didn't have intentions to hurt her feelings. I told her from the beginning that she wasn't invited a guest, she was invited to come and meet some of my friends and family that she has not met yet.

    I too, have a very evil MIL. But I still don't think your actions were warranted and when she called you rude, she was correct. Two wrongs don't make a right and just because you suggest something doesn't mean she has to listen to you. You still have to apologize, which I really hope you have done already. And it's for her to decide when is the most special time for you to open the gift she got for you. As others have said, if she spends a ton of money it's not really your business and you should handle the gifts with gratefulness and thank you's instead of deeming when they will be "more" special. (judging from your post, that's not even the reason it wasn't opened. It was to spare your sister and Mother's feelings) 




    Of course I apologized. I DID NOT INTEND TO HURT HER FEELINGS. She on the other hand does everything possible to avoid me, not get to know me, , not acknowledge me ever.

    Communication is key. Had she just told me she brought a third gift ahead of time. I could have told her that she's been so generous and that I really just want her their to meet people close to me and maybe get to know m and my family. If she had insisted on me opening it then fine I would have. But she doesn't talk to me. I'm pretty sure she just sees me as the child carrier and that's it.

    Yes I apologized. I'm not a mean person regardless of what others think here. People can only judge me by the few words I posted here and worded horribly I'll admit. Always more to every story and many different sides to it.

    missphilbrbeck7
  • I'm sorry, but if she really was purchasing these gifts with money you loaned her, that should have been a prominent theme in your original post. You made it seem like she is well off and your family is not and that's where the issues were.

    I agree with this.   Even if that were the case though you should not have called her out in front of everyone by refusing to open her gift.   You were being controlling and putting more weight on your feelings about her than on good manners and just simple common courtesy.   I would have been embarrassed as a guest to witness that.   It's a shame you didn't choose to handle the situation privately.

  • I should have never posted this.

    Mostly because no one knows my MIL. She's not a nice person. She vindictive, she's negative and a history that I can't even begin to describe.

    That being said, no I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I knew she went ahead a brought a gift after she agreed not to, then I would have talked to her right away and asked if we could save it for the hospital. She's already spent over $600 of money she really can't afford. Everyone knew she bought some big ticket items and I didn't call her out in front of everyone. Everyone was talking to each other but for those watching I said she's been more than generous and I can't open this right now. I went to talk to her almost immediately after gift opening abd she didn't want to talk to me, she yelled at me and stormed out. I couldn't possibly explain my idea because she wouldn't let me.

    After spending a fortune already, I thought it would be more special to wait until baby is born for that gift. I didn't have intentions to hurt her feelings. I told her from the beginning that she wasn't invited a guest, she was invited to come and meet some of my friends and family that she has not met yet.

    QFP
    Me: 28, DH: 40
    Married 9/28/13
    DS born 11/12/15
    EDD 8/13/18
    MercyC1130BowWowBowiePontot31
  • brbeck7 said:

    I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be. 

    Bottom line, and it's been said about 10 times already, you can't dictate to people how they spend their money. Who knows what was even in the gift box. Maybe it was a family hand-me-down that is sentimental or a hand-made item? My MIL and mother gave gifts prior to and at both of my family showers. They were small little things compared to the large gifts given in advance, so I know it was just to give a "little something extra" and I graciously accepted the gifts. That's all OP needed to do and move on.
    What if we lend her money frequently? Is it ok for her to use our money basically to buy us gift after gift?

    I don't have a great relationship with her but I would never intentionally make her feel bad. I never got the chance to ask her if we could open it at the hospital once baby is born. She yelled at me and left as soon as I started to ask if I could talk to her.
    QFP
    Me: 28, DH: 40
    Married 9/28/13
    DS born 11/12/15
    EDD 8/13/18
    BowWowBowie
  • edited October 2015
    Bump burp
    Me: 28, DH: 40
    Married 9/28/13
    DS born 11/12/15
    EDD 8/13/18
    BowWowBowie


  • I should have never posted this. Mostly because no one knows my MIL. She's not a nice person. She vindictive, she's negative and a history that I can't even begin to describe. That being said, no I didn't want to hurt her feelings. If I knew she went ahead a brought a gift after she agreed not to, then I would have talked to her right away and asked if we could save it for the hospital. She's already spent over $600 of money she really can't afford. Everyone knew she bought some big ticket items and I didn't call her out in front of everyone. Everyone was talking to each other but for those watching I said she's been more than generous and I can't open this right now. I went to talk to her almost immediately after gift opening abd she didn't want to talk to me, she yelled at me and stormed out. I couldn't possibly explain my idea because she wouldn't let me. After spending a fortune already, I thought it would be more special to wait until baby is born for that gift. I didn't have intentions to hurt her feelings. I told her from the beginning that she wasn't invited a guest, she was invited to come and meet some of my friends and family that she has not met yet.

    I too, have a very evil MIL. But I still don't think your actions were warranted and when she called you rude, she was correct. Two wrongs don't make a right and just because you suggest something doesn't mean she has to listen to you. You still have to apologize, which I really hope you have done already. And it's for her to decide when is the most special time for you to open the gift she got for you. As others have said, if she spends a ton of money it's not really your business and you should handle the gifts with gratefulness and thank you's instead of deeming when they will be "more" special. (judging from your post, that's not even the reason it wasn't opened. It was to spare your sister and Mother's feelings) 

    Of course I apologized. I DID NOT INTEND TO HURT HER FEELINGS. She on the other hand does everything possible to avoid me, not get to know me, , not acknowledge me ever. Communication is key. Had she just told me she brought a third gift ahead of time. I could have told her that she's been so generous and that I really just want her their to meet people close to me and maybe get to know m and my family. If she had insisted on me opening it then fine I would have. But she doesn't talk to me. I'm pretty sure she just sees me as the child carrier and that's it. Yes I apologized. I'm not a mean person regardless of what others think here. People can only judge me by the few words I posted here and worded horribly I'll admit. Always more to every story and many different sides to it.
    First of all, you asked for opinions, you can't get upset just because no one is taking your side. 
    Second, her behavior does not justify your behavior. Trust me I totally understand I get shitty MIL, my own MIL is a nightmare, but your behavior is still inexcusable.

    It does not matter if she has already spent $600 or $6000, or whether or not you think she can afford to spend the money. She is an adult, you have no right to judge how she spends her money. While this is your child, it is also her grandchild, and while you guys may not get along, I am guessing she is very excited to meet her future grandchild. My mom has gone crazy with gifts for our little one because she is so excited. Is it excessive, a little bit, but it is just part of her excitement. Your MIL does not need your permission to purchase a gift, and anything other than graciously accepting it is beyond rude. You called her out in public, and refused to open her gift, that is humiliating, and not following your gift your gift rule does not justify that.
    jabbottscottBowWowBowie[Deleted User]itstheblackwidowbaby
  • Nothing you're saying now makes it seem any more okay how you acted.
    There were a few different ways that that situation could have been handled with tact and some form of kindness. You chose none of the ways and what you did was rude.
    You're actions, whether you feel justified or not, are YOU'RE actions. They should be judged independently of whatever is causing you to act a certain way. That's called 'taking responsibility'.
    Anyway, ya messed up. IT HAPPENS. Own up, stop making excuses, and fix it.
    jabbottscottBowWowBowieurby87fairestblair
  • I hope you apologized, that was extremely rude and unneeded. My mil is a lot like yours. She has a ton of money, and my mother doesn't. She always buys a ton of stuff and it use to bother my mom but now my mom just laughs it off. It's not a competition, the baby isn't going to love either of them more for buying bigger, better gifts. If anything it's the opposite. My boys truly love spending quality time with my mother and sort of expect my mil to buy them stuff. So it's not so special anymore.
  • How rude of you to treat your MIL that way. If she gives you anything, say thank you. Were you ever taught to be grateful? You're lucky to have a MIL that is showering her grand baby with presents.
    There are many people in the world who have nothing to provide for their children and you're complaining because she gave you too much? You should be ashamed of yourself.
    You thought that you would find someone to side with you...I am not sure in which world you're living in, but what you did to your MIL it's appalling. Have you thought how your DH felt? Your hurt his mom's feelings!! She raised the man you married and are having children with.
    You should apologize to her (and to your hubby too) and try to mend the relationship instead of looking to pity.
    jabbottscottoorl11052015kristenm88BowWowBowie
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