So today was my baby shower put together by my sisters and mom. We invited my hubby's mom and on multiple occasions I told her not to bring a gift.
His mom already bought us the car seat AND stroller. It was huge purchase. Then at the small shower she put together with her sisters she bought us another gift. So for this shower I asked har not to bring anything but herself. She said okay.
Today at the shower while opening gifts I opened a card and it was from her. I thought to myself..."really? After I asked her not to" so I put it aside and said I'm no opening it today. I said you bought over and above already and this is not necessary. Save it for baby being born or christmas. And then I moved on.
I didn't open it because my mom had mentioned that she was offended that his mom keeps buying gifts and has already spent over $500. My one sister couldn't afford to buy us a gift and found my MIL to be showing off.
So I heard my MIL was leaving so I wanted to talk to her and say thanks but let's hold onto it and open it at the hospital. But before I could say anything she Said "you are rude, I don't care what you do, you are rude" and then she stormed out. I just balled. I thought I was doing the right thing and I specifically asked her the night before not to bring a gift and she still did! When I put her gift aside I told everyone that she bought the stroller and the car seat and that's more than enough.
So.... was I wrong for sticking to what I said, do I owe her an apology? She honestly didn't even let me talk to her.
You do owe her a sincere and heartfelt apology. It was really, really rude to set her gift aside and purposely not open it. Especially if you did say "I put it aside and said I'm no opening it today. I said you bought over and above already and this is not necessary. Save it for baby being born or christmas." I'm hoping you didn't announce it where she was put on the spot. She is excited for her grandchild, maybe she's spent a lot but come on, she's excited. I personally would have explained how your mom and sister felt, not that she had done too much.
I get that you already asked her to not bring a gift, but I wouldn't go to a baby shower giftless, whether the mom-to-be told me to bring one or not.
Honestly, I think you should of just gritted your teeth and accepted her gifts. I can understand your family feeling offended or that she is "showing off" but ultimately she is just enjoying providing for her grandchild, your LO. I think you should sincerely apologize to her and once again thank her for being so generous. It isn't her fault if your mother or sister can't afford to buy you a gift or are jealous about her being so generous and she shouldn't be made to feel that she is doing something wrong by having her gift "set aside". I know it can be tough, but the way you addressed it (not opening her gift) was rude, whether that was your intention or not. My soon to be MIL bought us a $200 stroller, $200 pack n' play, $100 in diaper/wipes and send us a $100 gift card for the little things. It made me a little uncomfortable to accept such expensive gifts but I am just thankful our LO has family that cares enough/can afford to provide her with nice things.
You do owe her a sincere and heartfelt apology. It was really, really rude to set her gift aside and purposely not open it. Especially if you did say "I put it aside and said I'm no opening it today. I said you bought over and above already and this is not necessary. Save it for baby being born or christmas." I'm hoping you didn't announce it where she was put on the spot. She is excited for her grandchild, maybe she's spent a lot but come on, she's excited. I personally would have explained how your mom and sister felt, not that she had done too much.
I get that you already asked her to not bring a gift, but I wouldn't go to a baby shower giftless, whether the mom-to-be told me to bring one or not.
This. I REALLY hope you really didn't say that in front of everyone. I'm sure that felt like a slap in the face to your MIL. She's just excited to be able to do this for you and her grandchild. So what if she's gone above and beyond? Just be thankful and move on.
I will say what was said to me when I thought someone went above and beyond for our little one. "It's her money and she can do what she wants with it." Whether someone else felt uncomfortable is not your MIL's problem, regardless of who it is. My MIL has sent at least four care packages for not only our daughter, but for me, too. As well as bought all five big ticket items on our registry, she's going to be a grandma, and she's super excited about it. Buying things is one way that she, personally, shows her love. Maybe your MIL is similar. You do owe her an apology, that shouldn't have even been a question. That had to have been very embarrassing for her and she didn't deserve it.
My MIL went and bought us a crib and a beautiful swing and has spent a lot of money on my baby and even if she would have been able to attend my shower (personal family reasons) and got me another gift whether it be a card or another nice item I would have gladly opened it.. I wouldn't have announced what she had already boughten me either.. My mom has boughten lots of things as well and they are just excited to be grandparents.. That was extremely rude of you to do that.. For goodness sake it was a card.. It wasn't like she went and bought you a new car to show off.. She got you a card that she took the time out of her day to go pick out for you.. I would have said the same ish to you if I was your MIL
I think you do indeed owe her an apology. I personally find it rude that you set her stuff aside, while opening everyone else's gift. I can see why she was upset. In a setting like that you can't just pick and choose which gifts you are going to open. It's either an all or nothing deal. Think of it this way: if you deliberately set aside another of your guests' gift, do you think their feelings would get hurt? Also, I think it was wildly inappropriate to make it known to your guests that you just weren't going to open her gift.
I think a better way to have handled the situation would be to have opened it, but talked to her following the shower saying that you are appreciative of all shes done, but thay you feel uncomfortable accepting so many gifts. However, this is not what happened, so you'll have to swallow your pride and apologize..
I agree with PP. It is her money and her grandchild! She's not trying to make your family feel bad by throwing gifts in their face, she's trying to spoil/love/take care of her grandchild. Not opening the gift was not the right way to handle it.
Agreed with pp you owe her a serious apology. You must feel like crap and I am sorry for that, but that must have hurt her a lot too. Do your best to fix it !
I agree with the above. My MIL has not bought anything for her grandchild and does not intend on it. Instead she complains about her imaginary ailments bc she's a hypochondriac. She has not thought of us at all while I am 9 months pregnant, and moving into our new house with a toddler. Thank god for my mother and grandmother who have been extremely supportive emotionally and have stated they will purchase this baby a stroller even though we aren't doing a shower ( there's no time). I would be beyond thrilled if my MIL had 1/10th the enthusiasm yours did when it came to her grandchild. Appreciate every gesture and kindness, she is doing it out of love. If someone doesn't like it, seems like it's their problem and misconstrued jealousy.
Oh gosh! I can somewhat weirdly see you were trying to diffuse an awkward situation for you sister and mother but what you did would have been incredibly hurtful to your MIL. I think you owe an apology!
My mum has gone mental on the baby gifts: Clothes, bassinet, dresser etc. (its her first grandchild) and although my husbands family cant afford the same lavish gifts they are sooo grateful and appreciate my family being able to spoil the baby. They actually thank her. Why would they be jealous if it means our precious baby gets a nice place to sleep and beautiful clothes. They will spoil the baby in other ways like LOVE..
I think it is silly your sister and mother would be jealous. Cant they be happy your MIL in law is already so smitten and happy to gift your baby? Because they are jealous the baby should miss out?
I'm also on the "you owe her an apology" train. I know you were probably trying to diffuse a potentially frustrating situation for your mother and sister, but your totally missed the target and instead created a hurtful situation for your mother in law. Maybe she is showing off. But as others have said isn't that her perogative as a grandmother? Why should she have to curb her enthusiasm or her spending because it makes your mother and sister upset?
I also look at it this way: someone has gone out of their way, above and beyond in your own words, to love your child before he or she has even taken their first breath. Maybe it's not the way you would do it or a way you're entirely comfortable with, but someone is there helping you prepare and shower your baby. Some of us could only dream of getting that kind of support. It's worth mountains of appreciation - regardless of what your family feels her motives may be.
Your reaction lacked grace and tact, and a sincere apology is the ONLY way to go here.
Yeah, an apology and soon. By starting to open her gift and then stopping, you publicly snubbed her. You'll be doing damage control on this for a long time so I suggest starting first thing in the morning.
In the future, who buys what is only important for the thank you cards. The value doesn't matter at all. It's the thought that counts, especially for little ones.
Yeah, an apology and soon. By starting to open her gift and then stopping, you publicly snubbed her. You'll be doing damage control on this for a long time so I suggest starting first thing in the morning.
In the future, who buys what is only important for the thank you cards. The value doesn't matter at all. It's the thought that counts, especially for little ones.
Yes to the last paragraph. My MIL spent way more on our baby than she should have. I know my ILs financial situation and it was over the top, but she was excited about the first grandbaby. Instead of telling her how to spend her money, I just made sure to profusely thank her and tell her she didn't have to do that. You cant dictate how people spend their money, so just be grateful and make sure to show it even if you don't agree with it. Otherwise this is what happens.
Oh gosh! I can somewhat weirdly see you were trying to diffuse an awkward situation for you sister and mother but what you did would have been incredibly hurtful to your MIL. I think you owe an apology!
My mum has gone mental on the baby gifts: Clothes, bassinet, dresser etc. (its her first grandchild) and although my husbands family cant afford the same lavish gifts they are sooo grateful and appreciate my family being able to spoil the baby. They actually thank her. Why would they be jealous if it means our precious baby gets a nice place to sleep and beautiful clothes. They will spoil the baby in other ways like LOVE..
I think it is silly your sister and mother would be jealous. Cant they be happy your MIL in law is already so smitten and happy to gift your baby? Because they are jealous the baby should miss out?
So OMG. This exactly. My mother sent me a 500£ stroller, moses basket, play mat...clothes and bottles. My MIL bought nothing for the baby yet and it's her first grandchild. My SIL is 14 y old so....she can't really grasp this beeing an aunt thing just yet. But my MIL allways said: I hope God gives your mother health and happyness for helping you and my son out so you won't have to buy all this big items and you can use that money for some other things. We don't do baby showers here so had to get together everything by ourselfs with no actuall presents. And that was just fine because we had the little extra money due to not buying the big items. But my MIL will probably give us money once the baby is here so we can buy what we need for him. And will probably be babysitting when we need because my mom is 3000+ km away from me. And I will appreciate every little thing. My MIL is a chyropractor ( hope I spelled this one right) and have been giving me prenatal massages to relief my very swollen hands and feet and achy back. I am soooo thankfull for that. And she offered to help around the house when I can't but I refused that on the note that I like things the way I do them and I also have a husband who is healthy and needs to help. She agreed. On a last note...no offence...but your mother and sister actually look selfish from what you said .
Unbelievably rude. You can't dictate to someone what they chose to spend their money on and you can't dictate what gifts they chose to give you. You owe her a big apology, I would explain your reasons regarding your mother etc but also explain that with hindsight you realise you were wrong. Hopefully she will forgive you. She just seems like an over excited MIL and there's nothing wrong with that, you should be grateful she cares about you and the baby so much, not telling her she's wrong to do so.
You absolutely owe her an apology. Your behavior was poor form. She's excited to be a grandma and no one is really keeping score over the exact dollars spent (or no one *should* be). Be grateful and appreciative that someone is so willing and able to help you with things for baby.
Honestly, if someone had done to me what you did to her, I probably wouldn't have made it to the end of the shower.
That was incredibly rude. I also question why you invited her to the shower if you knew your mother and sister already felt upset by her giving you things for your child that they could not. Showers are gift giving occasions and if you knew that would stir the pot it seems ridiculous to offend anyone.
If there's something strange underneath the hood. Who you gonna call? Your Doctor. If there's something weird and it don't look good. Who you gonna call? Your Doctor. Immediately. If it's new, painful, and possibly pregnancy related get your ass off the internet and call your doctor. It's for your health and your child's.
Horribly rude. Who are you to say how she spends her money? My parents and my ILs love buying stuff. Every time we see each of them they have something for us. And you know what I do? I say thank you so much! Because it's one less thing I need to buy. Who cares if your mom has mentioned that she has bought a lot for you? Tell her you don't expect it but you're grateful for it.
I agree with everyone else. You messed up on this one, and she deserves a sincere apology. It is incredibly rude to publically choose not to accept a gift given to you, and it is even worse to publically refuse a gift on behalf of someone else. That gift wasn't for you; it was for your baby. You didn't really have a right to publically reject it on behalf of your baby. Besides, it would have felt really awkward for your MIL to show up to a shower empty-handed.
I just thought about it, but go ahead and own up to what happened with you hubby. Let him know that you realize how rude you were, how sorry you are, and how you hope she eventually forgives you. If he sees that you're sincere he may put the bug in his mom's ear that you do genuinely feel bad about what happened. Dont ask for him to do this, just let him do it of his own accord.
I agree with everyone else, apologize. But also I'm wondering since you didn't open the card...was there really a gift in there? Cause if I was her and I'd followed your direction of no gifts but still felt a card was appropriate-and then you didn't open it. I'd be so much more pissed.
That was not only incredibly rude to your MIL, but also to your other guests. If I were a guest at a shower and the guest of honor did that to another guest I would never think of that person the same. You came across as ungrateful and to publicly shame her was beyond tacky. You owe her and IMO your other guests an apology for your childish behavior.
Beyond rude! That was just downright cruel! You should open every single gift you receive at the shower. But to purposely not open her gift and to make an announcement that she bought you too much stuff makes you sound ungrateful. The issue your mother and sister have with money is their issue and not yours or your MIL'S. You owe that woman many apologies and some major sucking up should be in your future. Pray she forgives you because personally that is something unforgivable in my eyes.
Yeah I would definitely apologize & explain to your family it isn't a competition to see who can buy more for the baby & all that matters is that LO is loved. We should all thank our lucky stars for the support we have for our children. Extra gifts would be the very last thing I complain about.
I don't think you "owe her an apology" as much as an explanation. If you really asked her multiple times NOT to bring you a gift and she did anyways that's on her. It probably would have gone over better had you explained to her why you didn't want her to bring you another gift (the fact that your family felt bad about their lack of them) and if she really wanted to she could have done it at another time. I would tell her that you are sorry that she was offended but I wouldn't apologize for doing it, she should have respected your wishes, instead she made other people who love the baby just as much as her feel bad because they can't provide as many gifts. I would talk to her about it and even your significant other, but I would have probably done the same thing.
I don't think you "owe her an apology" as much as an explanation. If you really asked her multiple times NOT to bring you a gift and she did anyways that's on her. It probably would have gone over better had you explained to her why you didn't want her to bring you another gift (the fact that your family felt bad about their lack of them) and if she really wanted to she could have done it at another time. I would tell her that you are sorry that she was offended but I wouldn't apologize for doing it, she should have respected your wishes, instead she made other people who love the baby just as much as her feel bad because they can't provide as many gifts. I would talk to her about it and even your significant other, but I would have probably done the same thing.
Just because she brought a gift it's totally okay to publicly humiliate her? I seriously doubt the woman has bought her GRANDCHILD gifts to make the other grandmother/aunt feel bad. The OP's post made NO mention that her mother's feelings were EVER brought up to her MIL. SO, her MIL couldn't have known.
I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be.
I guess the repeated requests of someone mean absolutely nothing?? I'm not saying it was a great situation I am saying the MIL should have respected the wishes of the momma- to-be.
Actually yes, they pretty much do mean absolutely nothing. If I tell someone not to buy me a gift and they do does that mean the person should be made to feel embarrassed, or shamed for doing it. Also, I've only read that a card was given. I must have missed the part where there was a physical gift this time. Also how would anyone else at the party know that MIL bought a bunch of stuff. Maybe she was giving a card so it didn't look like she hadn't done anything for the baby.
Wow, I'm confused as to how you actually thought your actions would go over well. You definitely should get started on damage control ASAP. As others have stated you should be happy your MIL is so excited. I'm in the group of MIL's not caring at all about their first grandchild. Also, your Mom and sister are adults and should know that caring about your baby goes far beyond gifts. My parents have gone a bit crazy with spending money too. They bought our crib, glider and stroller. Those are just the big ticket items. They have probably racked up another 1500 in clothes and other accessories. Do I think the MK newborn shoes she got were over priced? Yes. Do I think our LO needs clothes from Nieman Marcus? No. But I accept the gifts and tell them how much we appreciate them. Beyond their purchases, what it means to me is that my parents are SO excited. I would never do anything to make them less excited. And you can bet LO will be sporting her fancy clothes her Nana picked out!
I don't think you "owe her an apology" as much as an explanation. If you really asked her multiple times NOT to bring you a gift and she did anyways that's on her. It probably would have gone over better had you explained to her why you didn't want her to bring you another gift (the fact that your family felt bad about their lack of them) and if she really wanted to she could have done it at another time. I would tell her that you are sorry that she was offended but I wouldn't apologize for doing it, she should have respected your wishes, instead she made other people who love the baby just as much as her feel bad because they can't provide as many gifts. I would talk to her about it and even your significant other, but I would have probably done the same thing.
Re: Right or wrong? Kind of long but need advice
Especially if you did say "I put it aside and said I'm no opening it today. I said you bought over and above already and this is not necessary. Save it for baby being born or christmas."
I'm hoping you didn't announce it where she was put on the spot.
She is excited for her grandchild, maybe she's spent a lot but come on, she's excited. I personally would have explained how your mom and sister felt, not that she had done too much.
My MIL has sent at least four care packages for not only our daughter, but for me, too. As well as bought all five big ticket items on our registry, she's going to be a grandma, and she's super excited about it. Buying things is one way that she, personally, shows her love. Maybe your MIL is similar.
You do owe her an apology, that shouldn't have even been a question. That had to have been very embarrassing for her and she didn't deserve it.
I think a better way to have handled the situation would be to have opened it, but talked to her following the shower saying that you are appreciative of all shes done, but thay you feel uncomfortable accepting so many gifts. However, this is not what happened, so you'll have to swallow your pride and apologize..
You must feel like crap and I am sorry for that, but that must have hurt her a lot too. Do your best to fix it !
My mum has gone mental on the baby gifts: Clothes, bassinet, dresser etc. (its her first grandchild) and although my husbands family cant afford the same lavish gifts they are sooo grateful and appreciate my family being able to spoil the baby. They actually thank her. Why would they be jealous if it means our precious baby gets a nice place to sleep and beautiful clothes.
They will spoil the baby in other ways like LOVE..
I think it is silly your sister and mother would be jealous. Cant they be happy your MIL in law is already so smitten and happy to gift your baby? Because they are jealous the baby should miss out?
I also look at it this way: someone has gone out of their way, above and beyond in your own words, to love your child before he or she has even taken their first breath. Maybe it's not the way you would do it or a way you're entirely comfortable with, but someone is there helping you prepare and shower your baby. Some of us could only dream of getting that kind of support. It's worth mountains of appreciation - regardless of what your family feels her motives may be.
Your reaction lacked grace and tact, and a sincere apology is the ONLY way to go here.
In the future, who buys what is only important for the thank you cards. The value doesn't matter at all. It's the thought that counts, especially for little ones.
Yes to the last paragraph. My MIL spent way more on our baby than she should have. I know my ILs financial situation and it was over the top, but she was excited about the first grandbaby. Instead of telling her how to spend her money, I just made sure to profusely thank her and tell her she didn't have to do that. You cant dictate how people spend their money, so just be grateful and make sure to show it even if you don't agree with it. Otherwise this is what happens.
Honestly, if someone had done to me what you did to her, I probably wouldn't have made it to the end of the shower.
Who are you to say how she spends her money?
My parents and my ILs love buying stuff. Every time we see each of them they have something for us. And you know what I do? I say thank you so much! Because it's one less thing I need to buy.
Who cares if your mom has mentioned that she has bought a lot for you? Tell her you don't expect it but you're grateful for it.
Married 9/28/13
DS born 11/12/15
EDD 8/13/18
Just because she brought a gift it's totally okay to publicly humiliate her?
I seriously doubt the woman has bought her GRANDCHILD gifts to make the other grandmother/aunt feel bad. The OP's post made NO mention that her mother's feelings were EVER brought up to her MIL. SO, her MIL couldn't have known.
Please WK elsewhere.
Married 9/28/13
DS born 11/12/15
EDD 8/13/18