I' very sorry for the following but I need to write down what I'm feeling or else I'll never let it out
I was told today that my unborn baby had died. My doctor is so lovely and yesterday he said he couldn't find a heartbeat and that I would most likely have a still birth. I accepted this and thought that it would never happen. I mean, I just thought everything would be fine. When he told me that there was definitely no heart beat on my little one I didn't know what to do. I didn't cry for ages. Even when I got home it didn't have much affect. I guess I must have been in shock or just not quite fully understood what this meant. That's when I realised that the little girl inside of me is dead. She's not going to come out screaming. I'm not going to be able to stroke her head when she's sad, or tickle her feet, or watch her take her first steps. She's gone forever! I don't know what I'm going to do. When I give birth to her she'll be dead so what the hell do I do then! Just say to the nurse 'thanks but no thanks'. I don't even know how to explain it to my little boy! I don't even think he understands what death is. I also have to find the way to tell my ex (the father of my girl) that she's gone. I just feel so abandoned and that it's something I did wrong. Like maybe if I was more cautious or ate better food she'd still be alive. I just hate myself and wish all the pain would go away.