I' very sorry for the following but I need to write down what I'm feeling or else I'll never let it out
I was told today that my unborn baby had died. My doctor is so lovely and yesterday he said he couldn't find a heartbeat and that I would most likely have a still birth. I accepted this and thought that it would never happen. I mean, I just thought everything would be fine. When he told me that there was definitely no heart beat on my little one I didn't know what to do. I didn't cry for ages. Even when I got home it didn't have much affect. I guess I must have been in shock or just not quite fully understood what this meant. That's when I realised that the little girl inside of me is dead. She's not going to come out screaming. I'm not going to be able to stroke her head when she's sad, or tickle her feet, or watch her take her first steps. She's gone forever! I don't know what I'm going to do. When I give birth to her she'll be dead so what the hell do I do then! Just say to the nurse 'thanks but no thanks'. I don't even know how to explain it to my little boy! I don't even think he understands what death is. I also have to find the way to tell my ex (the father of my girl) that she's gone. I just feel so abandoned and that it's something I did wrong. Like maybe if I was more cautious or ate better food she'd still be alive. I just hate myself and wish all the pain would go away.
Re: I can't deal with it
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I didn't have a stillbirth, but my son passed away at 5.5 weeks. I hope some of the other ladies can come in and give you advice, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this.
Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38
Married 5/2010
January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks
February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus
February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks
My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32
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I responded to your thread in the O15 board. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to! ((Hugs))
Officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility after 4 years of TTC
IUI#2 gave us DS#1 who became an angel a few minutes after birth from Noonan syndrome
IUI#4 gave us DS#2 - going strong as a toddler!
TTC again... Found a clinical trial for unexplained infertility and finished 16 weeks of "lifestyle intervention"
Cycle #1 - cancelled for ovarian cyst x3...
I know what you're going through though. I found out my baby boy had passed at my 36 week checkup. He had no heartbeat. I had to go to the hospital to confiem, but it was all just so surreal. I had no emotion either. I think I honestly thought that there was no way this could have happened and that after he was born, the doctors would be stunned to realize that they had made a mistake. I stayed this way right up until I delivered him and didn't hear the beautiful sound of my baby boy crying. That's when I lost it. It was the worst day of my life.
I too had to explain to my two sons why there was no baby, a brother they'd been waiting months to meet.
Every day is tough, although some are better than others.
Thank you for sharing this though. Although I wish you weren't experiencing this, it does give me some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone, and neither are you.
Best wishes to you and your family. You will be in my prayers. So sorry for your loss.