Late Term and Child Loss

I can't deal with it

I' very sorry for the following but I need to write down what I'm feeling or else I'll never let it out

I was told today that my unborn baby had died. My doctor is so lovely and yesterday he said he couldn't find a heartbeat and that I would most likely have a still birth. I accepted this and thought that it would never happen. I mean, I just thought everything would be fine. When he told me that there was definitely no heart beat on my little one I didn't know what to do. I didn't cry for ages. Even when I got home it didn't have much affect. I guess I must have been in shock or just not quite fully understood what this meant. That's when I realised that the little girl inside of me is dead. She's not going to come out screaming. I'm not going to be able to stroke her head when she's sad, or tickle her feet, or watch her take her first steps. She's gone forever! I don't know what I'm going to do. When I give birth to her she'll be dead so what the hell do I do then! Just say to the nurse 'thanks but no thanks'. I don't even know how to explain it to my little boy! I don't even think he understands what death is. I also have to find the way to tell my ex (the father of my girl) that she's gone. I just feel so abandoned and that it's something I did wrong. Like maybe if I was more cautious or ate better food she'd still be alive. I just hate myself and wish all the pain would go away.

Re: I can't deal with it

  • erinelerinel member

    **sig warning**

    I'm so sorry for your loss.  I didn't have a stillbirth, but my son passed away at 5.5 weeks.  I hope some of the other ladies can come in and give you advice, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this.

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: 


  • LbloomLbloom member

    **Sig warning**

    I responded to your thread in the O15 board. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to! ((Hugs))

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  • ***siggy warning

    I don't have experience with still birth, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. 
  • I am so sorry for your loss. Your feelings and thoughts are all normal - like a roller coaster of emotions. My son was stillborn the day of delivery so I had no notice until then. Please do not blame yourself. You would have done everything and anything to save your little girl if you had the choice, but you had no choice. I recommend contacting "now I lay me down to sleep" they do beautiful free photos which you may cherish. Consider after delivery gettibg hand and foot prints, locks of hair, bathe and dress your little girl after she is delivered, and spend as much time you need with her. You'll never get enough hugs and kisses. Consider having her brother and family members come to the hospital to meet her too. They are no right or wrong ways to go about this process - whatever you decide needs to be what is best for you and your family. The above ideas are only suggestions as they can mean a lot later. Feel free to PM me. Again I am so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))
  • I am so sorry for your loss. Our son was stillborn and we also found out at the doctors when they couldn't find his heartbeat. You must know - this is not your fault! You love your little girl and you would have done anything and everything you could have to save her. I know it seems weird to think about, but when she is born, you spend as much time with her as you can. Hold her, kiss her, bath her, sing to her. Absorb as much time with her as you can because it's the only time you'll have and you'll look back and wish you could have held her longer. Take pictures (PP mentioned Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep which is an awesome organization who will come and take professional photos) get handprints, footprints, a lock of her hair, hand and foot molds. Ask for her nightgown, hat, blankie, hospital band - anything she has worn or used will have special significance. If there is a special outfit or outfits you had wanted her to wear, take it to the hospital with you and dress her in it, get photos. Invite family to come meet her, if you feel comfortable, and get photos. MH and I were the only ones to meet our son. We decided not to invite extended family, but some couples have and it means so much to them. We also decided not to have our older son (3 at the time) come in to see his little brother because we knew he wouldn't understand and we needed to have more time to explain, as best we could, what had happened. But I know some families have had older siblings meet the baby and hold the baby and that was really important for them. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. These ladies have been an amazing support for me in the months since we lost our son and we are here for you.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • I am so sorry for your loss. While I have never been through your situation, I know that I and many others have found comfort through this board. Sending hugs, thoughts and prayers.
    Married my rock - April 29, 2011
    BFP - June 4, 2011 EDD February 3, 2012
    Super T born @ 37 weeks - January 13, 2012
    Super T diagnosed with stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma nmyc-amp - January 2, 2013
    Super T cancer free - June 19, 2013
    Super T relapsed - January 2, 2014
    Super T earned his angel wings - January 3, 2014
    TTC for #2 beginning November 2014
    BFP #2 - Chemical Pregnancy - Confirmed May 29, 2015
    Diagnosed with PCOS; HSG - Clear; SA - Clear
    Clomid #1 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #2 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #3 - BFP 11/10/15 - EDD 07/14/16
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. It's truly heartbreaking. Try not to beat yourself up over why this happened. Usually, there is no known cause and I personally know the "what ifs" can drive a person crazy. Be kind to yourself. ((hugs))
    🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
    ♥ Stillborn 2015 
  • My had a stillbirth son at the end of May. I went in for my 20 week appointment and there was no heartbeat. I was admitted to the hospital and induced before I had time to process what happened. I think that if I had to go home and process it I would of been even worse. I am almost 2 months out and I want to tell you it gets easier. The pain is still horrible but now I cry a few times a week instead of a few times a day. Take things one moment at a time when you get home. I have a 6 year old daughter and taking care of her needs helped me to take care of mine. I got dressed to take her to school. I made myself eat something when she ate. I also opted for all the testing to find a cause. They could not find one. I am comfortable with that answer because if they found a cause there is a higher chance of repeating. Gather a support system and do not be afraid to ask any of them for help even if it is something trivial, a trip to the ATM sent me into a sobbing fit a little over a week after the loss. Reach out to talk if you need to!
  • kistrakistra member
    You aren't alone. You did not do anything to cause this. When your daughter is born, hold her, kiss her, take pictures of her. Talk to people if you want to, but you do not have to. 

    I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone for a long time and I couldn't bring myself to invite my parents or sisters to meet my son. Whatever, you do, will be right. I too did all the testing and got an answer but it just made me feel worse. somehow. I still would do the testing again knowing that it made me feel worse for a bit. My son passed away in April and the pain hasn't gone away but it became liveable in a way that didn't seem possible at first.
    ***Siggy Warning Child and Loss***

    Officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility after 4 years of TTC
    IUI#2 gave us DS#1 who became an angel a few minutes after birth from Noonan syndrome
    IUI#4 gave us DS#2 - going strong as a toddler!

    TTC again... Found a clinical trial for unexplained infertility and finished 16 weeks of "lifestyle intervention"
    Cycle #1 - cancelled for ovarian cyst x3...
  • **siggy warning**

    I am so sorry for your loss.  Know, as many people have already said, that you are not alone in this.  This board is filled with wonderful ladies who have given me so much support when I lost my boys, and I know that you will find the same.  I hope that you will find the right words to say to your son and your baby's father.  I believe that you will. Be kind to yourself. Sending love and prayers. 
  • oliveoil95oliveoil95 member
    edited July 2015
    **Removed by Admin**
  • Mel&John2013Mel&John2013 member
    edited July 2015
    ***siggy warning

    Edited, post no longer needed
  • @oliveoil95 - your comment above is not appropriate for this board full of ladies whose worst fears have come true and their babies have died. Your baby is still alive and if you are concerned, you should call your doctor. Please edit your previous comment. OP does not need to read that when she is dealing with the actual loss of her daughter.
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    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Mel&John2013Mel&John2013 member
    edited July 2015
    ***siggy warning

    Edited, post no longer needed
  • ckankeckanke member
    HUGE HUGE hug.... I'm so so sorry... just know you're not alone. I know your pain, unfortunately. I'm so sorry.
  • So so sorry for your loss.... I can relate to your feelings. My doctor told me it was nothing i did or didn't do that caused me to lose my little boy at 22 weeks along. He didn't pass away in the womb, I had an incompetent cervix which cause me to have to be induced. I had developed an infection which also is a reason I had to deliver him. Just know it's not your fault. I'm really sorry and my heart goes out to you...
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I know what you're going through though. I found out my baby boy had passed at my 36 week checkup. He had no heartbeat. I had to go to the hospital to confiem, but it was all just so surreal. I had no emotion either. I think I honestly thought that there was no way this could have happened and that after he was born, the doctors would be stunned to realize that they had made a mistake. I stayed this way right up until I delivered him and didn't hear the beautiful sound of my baby boy crying. That's when I lost it. It was the worst day of my life.

    I too had to explain to my two sons why there was no baby, a brother they'd been waiting months to meet.

    Every day is tough, although some are better than others.

    Thank you for sharing this though. Although I wish you weren't experiencing this, it does give me some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone, and neither are you.
  • shortyjroseshortyjrose member
    edited August 2015
    Please do your self a favor and still hold her, name her, tell her you love her and have her blessed. I didn't think I wanted to. I'm so glad I did. I lost my son at 24 weeks and it pains me every day. It gets easier. But it takes time. It's not your fault! Get foot prints and don't let anyone tell you how to feel. It's hard enough with a spouse by your side. I pray you find peace quickly. Be patient with yourself. Understand that everyone wants to relate to your pain. They mean no harm when they compare your stillbirth to their miscarriage. They want you to know they have lost too and are their for you.
    Best wishes to you and your family. You will be in my prayers. So sorry for your loss.
  • I had the same experience. This October 16, 2015- My boy is 20 weeks, he didn't passed away in my womb, he was a healthy baby, but I had incompetent cervix. I had been in labor for 6 hrs and then I gave birth to him. Was so painful to see and feel, worst is exhausting emotions that rolls you every time you remember. I developed an infection and still admitted at the hospital up to this date. We had a funeral in the middle of my admission, and was heartbreaking. My mother in law was staying with us after recuperating from brain surgery and just discharged from recently from the hospital. Our month has been a surreal and sad moment, but still coping. Not easy, but have to and need to. I miss my little boy, his comfort that he is there with me makes me feel that I'm not alone. He is just the only piece of me that I would say my family, as I was born premature and abandoned baby who grew up by an adoption of a loving family. My heart dies when he died. I feel for your loss, and hope our hearts heals, and let the baby dust covers us with Gods love. I believe heaven has reasons to create our little angels, so we can experience genuine love of a mother even in a shortest period of time. Hugs to you and every mother who experience loss.
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