Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage?

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Re: What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage?

  • I feel like people just don't get it. After TTC for two years, a miscarriage is a stab.

    I have had people tell me "At least you know you can get pregnant." And "Now you can focus on your school work." I have even had people tell me that "I would never wish for this to happen to you, but now you can have a baby at a more appropriate time." That last one was from my mother.

    I am 21, I have been married for almost 3 years, TTC for 2 years and I am going to graduate college in December. An "appropriate time" is whenever my body will allow me to conceive, as I want to be a mother so badly, and my husband wants to be a father so badly.
  • I told a close friend and her response was "it's ok, the first one's not usually healthy, you'll have a kid eventually." First of all, what? Second of all DON'T tell me it's ok. It's not ok, that's what I'm telling you. 

    People suck.
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  • The same day I lost my little girl my own father told me over the phone "oh my wife had two miscarriages before you'll be fine just forget about it and move on you'll have more kids one day" I can not and will not speak to him that was the most heartless thing I've heard.
    My step mom told me stories of a 17 year cousin who had lost a baby to stillbirth and is pregnant again so she said I'll be okay I'll end up pregnant again in no time... Then My mother at my daughters services told me as she showed up interrupting the last 5 minutes of church saying it was all her fault crying hysterically in front of everyone I guess she felt guilt for not being there for me but I couldn't even cry because of the anger I felt at that moment from her dramatic scene...
    Yep that's my family they suck
  • I've had 3 mc :( The worst is - "oh my period was late it could have been a miscarriage ...who knows?!" No bitch ... You did not miscarry...*super eye roll. I think people slip into a mild coma when they get in awkward situations and don't know what to say.
  • While in the emergency room being checked the ER doctor said she was putting a pad under me because "often during an exam there is a big gush of blood and I don't want housekeeping to be mad at me.""I couldn't even believe she could be that insensitive in the most vulnerable moment of my life. And then just the other day (I'm about 3 weeks post Mc at 11 weeks) I told a girl at week that I'd been away because I was so broken up because of the MC and her response was "oh really? Mine never bothered me." WTF. I don't know why but that just sent me over the edge.
  • Have a new one to add. my MIL told DH that he "wouldn't be this sad" if she had died.

    Way to make it all about you, lady!

    I wonder if showing her a photo of our stillborn DD would make her realize what we've lost but I'm not sure she should even get the honor of seeing her...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    🌈  Preemie 2016  🌈
    ♥ Stillborn 2015 
            
  • Me too. I know they're trying to be optimistic, but it doesn't make you feel better. Luckily my besties knew just to buy me ice cream and keep their mouths shut after my loss. We had lots of movie nights where they just let me cry through dumb sad movies while they force fed me popcorn.
  • After my 2nd MC (of 3), I was with a group of old high school friends catching up. Since the last time we were all together 3 of the 5 in our group have had multiple children. One started talking about how she and her husband were thinking of TTC a 3rd child. In the midst of her babbling about her ability to bare children, she said, "I just want to get it over with, I hate getting fat and being tired all the time. It's so annoying." I wanted to scream!! Does she not realize what a blessing it is to carry a child and to have never experienced what we all have?!
  • Omg all of these are so awful! What is wrong with people? That is one of the big reasons I didn´t want to tell people, because I know how insensitive they can be with their comments and I knew my feelings were going to be hurt ...

    Me: 38 DH: 42.
    Married: 9/2008.
    4/2010 - BFP (Natural)
    12/2010 - DS born.
    8/2014-TTC#2 
    10/2014 BFP
    10/2014 Confirmed MC at 5 weeks
    5/2015 BFP
    8/2015 MMC & D&C at 13 weeks  :'(
    11/2015 BFP then CP at 6 weeks.
    3/2016 Started IVF+PGS
    4/2016 ER, only 5 eggs but 3 Frozen embryos made it to freeze. Only 1 PGS normal embryo.
    DOR
    Hypothyroidism
    MTHFR
    DH Sperm with Chromosomal Issues (high % FISH)
    AMH .65
    8/2016 FET #1 BFN
    9/2016 IVF-ER #2  1 normal embryo.
    11/2016 IVF-ER #3  0 Embryos
    2/2017 FET #2 BFP CP at 6 weeks.
    5/2017  BFP Natural. 3 Betas were ok. First US 5-31-2017. Hope it sticks and is healthy!!


  • While helping my grandfather move into assisted living, my uncle turned to me and said "see, everything happens for a reason, there is no way you would have been able to help us move furniture if you were pregnant."

    I couldn't believe how selfish that statement was. He had no idea how much pain I was in.
  • At 10 weeks I just found out Friday I have a gestational sac w/yolk measuring 7 weeks but no fetus. My boss said " well look at it this way you didn't really loose a baby, doesn't that make you feel a little better?"

    No, no it doesn't.
  • My nana said that I better get pregnant again soon because she's already knitted heaps of clothes for the baby and she doesn't want them to be wasted. I suppose I got lucky though. My cousin miscarried at 8 weeks about a month before me and nana told her it was her own fault for telling everyone so early, plus she's lucky because the baby must have had something wrong with it and she wouldn't want to have to deal with it. My nana is a bit of a b***h.

    Little boy due July 31st 2016

  • I got a lot of you guys are young and can try again. At least it happened now and not later. The worst was I told a friend which by then was more of a stranger I just had to answer because she asked about how my pregnancy was going I told her I lost the Baby and she laughed and said "Seee you weren't ready" what does that even mean I didn't say anything and she started another conversation like it was no big deal. I am not talking to her anymore I mean who laughs at someone hurt especially another women.
  • Not too many people knew, but those that did mostly keep quiet, so i haven't gotten really bad comments. I do get "well you have three awesome kids! You're lucky to have them." as if that's a consolation. It isn't. I love my children, they are awesome :) but it still really really hurts to lose a baby regardless. I know people mean well so I try to keep that in mind and not get too annoyed.
    DD 6/2007
    DS 4/2009
    m/c 11/12/2010 ~ 7 wks
    m/c 7/4/2012 ~ 6 wks
    DD 12/2013
    mmc Baby Girl 7/12/2015 ~ 14 weeks  <3
    Twin girls! 8/26/2017


  • When I had my first loss the hygenist at my dentist knew about it because I had to tell them I was pregnant when I was there a few weeks prior for dental treatment. So when I came back i said oh we had a loss. And she told me she had gone thru the same thing and then she said well obviously there was something wrong with the baby. Would you really have wanted that baby anyway.
  • My missed miscarriage and d&c happened almost 2 weeks ago while my husband and I were over seas visiting his family. My in laws and I can't communicate directly, so I tend to just smile and look happy when I'm around them (i also generally bottle up my emotions). My mother-in-law told my husband about a week after my d&c that she was glad I was taking everything so well. I nearly lost it because I was (and still am) anything but well. She is a very kind and sweet woman and it's definitely not the worst thing that could be said, but it was extremely difficult to hear.
  • @katempar I'm experiencing this right now, too. Two of my close girlfriends know about what I've been going through (2 miscarriages, a recent D&C) and haven't contacted me to see how I'm doing. Can't help but feel bitter.
  • My sister said to me WHILE i was miscarrying "i just started my period! Everything my body once loved and held dear is being expelled through violence! Ugh i hate my life."
  • I'm so tired of hearing "were you trying or was it an accident?".  What difference does it make?  We WERE trying, in fact, but if we weren't, would it make it any easier?  We're married, we're financially stable and we want kids.  It's not like if it were an accident we would have been happy to lose the baby.
  • I had the first half of a root canal done last week, and I had to tell the office I was pregnant as they need to do multiple x-rays. I miscarried over the weekend and then had to go back to the dentist to finish the root canal yesterday.

    I didn't think I'd tell them about the miscarriage as the emotions were still so raw, but the hygienist kept going on and on about the pregnancy. I told her what happened, and her immediate reaction was "oh honey I understand, my daughter has had three -- the last one was a few weeks ago." And she teared up. Of course that's horrible, but I was in no frame of mind to console HER. Then the dentist comes in, the hygienist immediately tells her what happened and the dentist looks at me with wide eyes and said very matter of fact, "oh, my neighbor had five miscarriages right in a row and then had two micro-preemies." WTF do you even say to that? Instead of them saying "sorry for your loss" it felt like a competition to see who knows someone with the most losses. I could not get out of that office fast enough,
  • My sister said to me WHILE i was miscarrying "i just started my period! Everything my body once loved and held dear is being expelled through violence! Ugh i hate my life."
    Your sister sounds like a.....treat
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  • My friend, while I was miscarrying - "oh, well you can take my baby for awhile, that might make you reconsider the whole baby thing" yes please complain about your beautiful, healthy baby while mine dies
  • My doctor asked if this pregnancy was a planned one, I told him no, it was a surprise to DH and I. Later on when we found out the baby had no heartbeat, the doctor's response was "well, are you relieved since you did not plan it?" I just stared at him in utter disbelief, fighting back tears and with a "did you really just say that" look on my face.

    Needless to say, I switched doctor's after that.

    DH: 35 | Me: 29
    BFP #1- 07.25.12, EDD: 03.24.13, DD born 03.26.13
    Surprised BFP #2- 02.25.15, EDD: 10/29/15 |*m/c 7w4d, D&C 04.02.2015 
    BFP #3- 01.21.16, EDD: 09.29.26 |*m/c-blighted ovum 2.19.16 8w1d, D&C 03.04.16 
    BFP #4- 05.24.16, EDD: 02.04.17 |*natural m/c-  07.08.16, 9w1d
    BFP #5- 09/25/16, EDD: 06.07.17 GROW
    , BABY, GROW! 

  • While still at the hospital waiting for the doctor to come in to give us a consultation after getting the news...

    Nurse: "Would you still like a picture of the ultrasound?"
    Me: "Why?  They already said I passed the baby and that there was nothing left."
    Nurse: "Maybe, but some people like to have a picture of whatever leftover pieces there still are."

    Leftover pieces?!  Of my baby?!  My husband and I looked at each other and about bit her head off... We were outraged!
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  • My mother in law asked me if I have problem bearing a child after she heard about by miscarriage. :(
  • At least you know you can get pregnant.
  • Today I had to tell all my coworkers about my miscarriage. One of them said "what did you do?" As in, what did you do to cause the miscarriage? Then repeated it later. Very painful.
  • The worst were probably "well at least you know you can get pregnant", "at least you weren't further along", and "you'll just have to try again". I know most people don't know what to say when they find out someone miscarried, but it still hurts. 
  • edited October 2015
    Just this weekend I finally told my friend I was pregnant but recently miscarried at 8.5 weeks and she went on to say that [since it was my first] my body was probably like what the heck is going on?! But my next pregnancy my body will be like, ohh okay I get it now.

    Really? Like I didn't feel guilty already.....
  • I got a lot of "well, at least you know you can get pregnant" responses. Since our pregnancy wasn't planned, a friend of mine actually said "well you must be somewhat relieved, right?!"

    Worst of all, my GRANDMOTHER told me it was probably my fault because of my rheumatoid arthritis?!
  • I had a blighted ovum misscarrage and the worst thing someone said was " there was never a baby in there" that breaks my heart, because I know and feel there was. =((
  • @Sarahwillette
    I am so sorry. I went thru the exact same thing, exact. Insurance took awhile I was seen my first visit at 5 weeks and then my doctors office found that my insurance didn't cover me, because I was a dependent. So me and my boyfriend had to apply for Medicaid, and I didn't get seen until about 10 weeks. They told me when i got there that I had an abnormal pap and she didn't tell me prior because she said "that's not how I practice" which made me so mad because I ended up in the hospital because I lost so much blood and I ended up finding out my blood type was O negative and my baby's blood type and boyfriends could have affect and I needed to get a specific shot. I was so upset because maybe if I got the shot in time there could of been a chance, but maybe not :(( I also felt like everything got ripped out of my hands within a couple hours. Me and my boyfriend were so excited we downloaded apps and went and read books also. Our whole life's revolved around our baby. I'm still hurt and try to cope with it everyday. It's been about 2 months now. I still think of my sweet baby everyday. And it hurts when people say" there was no baby in there" because I know there was. My heart goes out to you because I feel your pain. Your not alone, and if you ever need to talk about it you can talk to me because I can relate. Your story is about the same as mine. Prayers go to you, you were and are a mommy, do not let others try and make you think otherwise. You are a mommy to an angel :x
  • I've gotten the same responses that most of you guys have had. I'm pretty religious but the least comforting thing for me to hear is "God has a plan." I got that one a lot from a friend the other day.

    But the worst was one of my coworkers. She didn't say anything specifically about my loss. But the day I had my D&C, I was supposed to work. We had an extra person on the schedule, which means that as long as no one calls in sick, we draw names to see who gets to go home for the night. So I told my boss that I would not be able to come in to work Tuesday night because I was having surgery that day. I told her I was trying to find someone to cover it, but wasn't having any luck. She told me to not even worry about it, since we had the extra person scheduled. 

    Then one of my coworkers starts blowing my phone up asking me if I can work for her Tuesday night. I told her that I was actually already scheduled to work, and that I was looking for someone to cover me too. She ignored this text. Then she texts me again saying that she really needs to be the one who gets the night off because her boyfriend doesn't have a ride home from the airport. I apologized and told her that I had already let our boss know that I wouldn't be in Tuesday night. I explained that the baby had stopped growing and that I was scheduled for surgery. She ignored this text too.

    I stopped into work a couple days after my surgery to give my boss the doctors note. She told me that we had an extra person on the schedule every day that I worked the coming weekend. She said that if I wasn't ready to work, let her know. So Friday I texted her that I wouldn't be able to work, but didn't hear back from my boss for several hours. So I texted my coworkers letting them know what happened and asking if I could be the one to have the night off. One coworker was very supportive, but the girl who'd had to pick her boyfriend up from the airport ignored me again. Apparently she's mad that I had a medical emergency because she wanted the night off. Luckily my boss finally saw my text and gave me the whole weekend off. She had to bend a handful of rules for me. It was wonderful.

    But I just couldn't believe how selfish my coworker was. She had been so supportive the whole time I was TTC and once I got pregnant. I was already pretty angry about losing the baby. This definitely did not help.

    E will be 18 on July 24th
    Z was born October 16, 2016
    #3 Due October 9, 2018

    MC - November 29, 2012
    CP - November 15, 2014
    D&C for MMC - October 13, 2015




  • My boss just keeps trying to relate to my loss by talking about her cyst she had to have removed. I didn't realize people got attached to their cysts. 
  • A "friend" told me: good thing you didn't loose it at giving birth... >:P
  • I found out i should be miscarrying soon. On friday found out it was an irregular sac. This is my 3rd time going through thisand still no baby. Im 34 and my husband is 38. I learned from the last 2, to not tell many people. I think i told like 5 people total. It isnt so much what people say its those that dont know whats going on that think I dont want kids or I wouldnt know stress because I dont have kids. People say it must be nice to go on so many trips. Well wouldnt you want to go far away if your heart was broken??? After I miscarry and hopefully soon so we can see a specialist who may have answers, we want to go on a small road trip. We want to take our mind off things. I just wish people would stop and think-maybe they are doing all this because they cant have kids at the moment
  • My husband and I are the same. We go on nice trips because we don't have any kids. After my mc in April, 2 days later we booked a cruise for June. I am so glad we did, we had something to look forward to and be happy about!
  • They don't know about my losses, so this wasn't really a comment about the losses, but was still awful considering I'm in the middle of my second mc.  Over this weekend and older relative expressed to me that they were very surprised to hear I was "still working so much" with the clear implication that they thought I would be doing the stay at home wife/mom thing soon. I was actually planning to quit my job next spring to be a stay at home mom, but now I might as well keep myself busy with work. 
  • Although we haven't got it yet, I'm sure someone will be stupid enough to say it.

    https://www.timjlawrence.com/blog/2015/10/19/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason



    image


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