Still Birth

ErinLily44 · August 2015

Loads of you have been commenting on my concerns about my unborn daughter and then when I found out my daughter was dead. My latest concern was how to tell the father about this. He walked out on my when he found out I was pregnant but recently decided to be part of her life. Two weeks ago I met up with him and told him that she had gone. I also told him my plans with a support group to spend time with her once she's born and to take pictures and have a whole service for her. He was completely against it. He refused to come to the birth and says that I shouldn't spend time with a dead baby. Has anyone else had this experience? I don't know whether or not I should do the service now and I still haven't told my mum about it so I can't ask her.

Please leave your advice

Thanks

orangeivy · August 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't know much about this process, but I think that you should do whatever you need to do to honor and grieve for your child.
It sounds like you shouldn't waste anymore time with the daddy. He's made it clear that he's not interested in this stage.
I would continue with the support groups, perhaps some counselling if you can. If you need to hold your baby, than please do. It's a hard process. Whatever will help you through this.
I would also suggest that you might want to tell your mother. She may be a great support for you right now.

Sending you much love xoxo

MamaOwl15 · August 2015

While I haven't been in your exact situation, I did have a miscarriage before I conceived my O15 baby. The baby stopped developing at 6 weeks, and there was only an empty sac visible on the ultrasound, so there wasn't exactly a baby to spend time with. But the desire to say "goodbye" is the same.

I was fortunate to have my D&C in a Catholic hospital that has ties to a local funeral home that provides free memorial services and burials for miscarriages and stillbirths. This allowed me to have some closure and to say goodbye to my angel. My husband declined to attend the service.

If I were you, I would absolutely want to spend some time with the baby once she's born, to hold her a little while and say goodbye before she's buried, and I think having a service would be appropriate as well. She is still your daughter even if she's already dead. Why wouldn't you want to say goodbye?

I think you should do whatever you feel would aid you most in your healing process, and don't worry about what the baby's father thinks. He's already proven himself unreliable by going in and out of your life. I can see why you'd want him there, after all, she was his child, too. But if he's going to be a jerk about the whole thing, don't worry about him. Just worry about what you need to do to heal yourself.

blsav23 · August 2015

Oh, sweetie...my heart goes out to you. My best advice is to do what feels right for you. It sounds as if you wish to grieve by spending time with your sweet girl and having memories through pictures so I think that is exactly what you should do. As far as the father goes, perhaps he is just grieving in a different way. Kubler-Ross describes 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages can be interchangeable & people can fluctuate between them. Perhaps he is beginning with anger & his (not so helpful) approach is making comments like, "why would you want to spend time with a dead baby?" It's too bad he doesn't want to share the experience with you but that doesn't mean you should deny yourself of the experience you want in this devastating situation.

ameares721 · August 2015

Do what you need to do for you and your daughter. It sounds like you were counting on the service to help with closure and if you don't do a service, you might wish you had.

It's just my own opinion, but I would want someway to remember a child that passed rather than pretend it didn't happen.

Besides, it sounds like he's been kind of shady about the situation since you told him you were pregnant. I wouldn't put too much thought into his feelings/wishes at this point.

I'm sorry you're even having to make these decisions. It's so heartbreaking. Best of luck to you on whatever you decide!

Krysta6 · August 2015

I agree with everyone else, you do what will provide you with what you need on your grief journey. He has no idea what you need to work through your feelings so I wouldn't let his words sway what you feel will help you.

mandy903 · August 2015

I agree with the above ladies. I'm so sorry you are facing this. Don't let him make you doubt what you want.

Wigglesx2 · August 2015

I'm sorry for your loss. Sweetie, don't let him rule your life or tell you how to grieve. He lost any right to any opinion about how you live your life (as long as it's healthy) when he walked out on you and your daughter. You grieve the way you need to. It sounds like the service is something you wanted. Do it. Do it even if your family disagrees. It's for you and this is something you don't get the chance to do again.

Do what helps you. Don't worry about him anymore. You're stronger than you know.

adriennerose80 · August 2015

You have to do what helps your heart heal. Do not let him choose for you. As PPs have said, this is the time for you to have closure and one last moment with your daughter. Don't let anyone take this from you.

J1D · August 2015

Spend time with your baby and have the service. She's your baby and you love her. You have every right to hold her and have whatever time and bond with her you can. Absolutely get pictures with her. You deserve to celebrate and mourn her with a service. She's your child and you are her mom and even death can't take that away from you. Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
As far as your ex is concerned, forget about him. This no longer has anything to do with him. You gave him an opportunity to be involved and he declined. You get to move on and celebrate and mourn your baby girl in whatever way brings you the most comfort.
As for your mom, same basic thing. Talk to her. Share your intentions with her. But do this to get comfort and support if she can offer it to you. You don't need anyone's permission or approval to move through your grieving process, just their love and support.

kindlycrystal · August 2015

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I agree with everyone else: do what your heart needs to heal. If a service helps you to say goodbye, then do so.

brianna91chavez · August 2015

I'm lurking from N15 and couldn't leave this thread without trying to help.
This makes my heart hurt... First of all I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that your angel baby's father is being this way. Don't listen to him and don't let him try to tell you how to grieve. You should most definitely still do the service and do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
I really suggest having photos done and spending as much time as you can with your baby. If you can get a photographer from www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org they are the best at what they do and truley amazing people. If you are religious in anyway I would suggest having the chaplain or someone from your church come in after delivery and have them pray with you or do what feels comfortable. Ask the nurse if they can cut off a lock of her hair for you and take her handprints and footprints. Bring the outfit that you planned on bringing her home in to take pictures and a couple more if you want.
I had my SB daughter at 38 weeks and it will be 6 years next month. I feel like I didn't spend enough time with her now...and even though I still have pictures I wish I could have held her more. If you need someone to talk to you can message me anytime. Please be kind to yourself and don't let anyone especially the baby's father try to take anything from you or tell you how you should grieve.

KLopez33 · August 2015

If having a service helps you in your grieving process, then do it for yourself. If others don't want to come, then they don't have to. At this point you need to take care of yourself through this process as it is going to impact you the most. I am so sorry that you are going through this and you are in my thoughts.

Sweet Sadie Mae · August 2015

What the hell is wrong with him?! Honor your daughter. I think your ideas are exactly what I would feel I would do if I were in your shoes. She matters and honoring her is obviously important to you. I can't believe he told you that! Keep him out of your life, I'm sorry but he sounds terrible.

jem89 · August 2015

I am so sorry about your loss!! I have not been there but I think you should do whatever you think could help you at all. I believe I would spend time with my baby and have a service, if I were in your shoes. I am so sorry that he is being this way but I honestly don't think his opinion matters at this point. He can decide to stay away and you can do whatever possible to cope. My heart goes out to you! I think it is beautiful to have a service for her!

rue:D · August 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with others - if you want to spend time with her after the birth and it helps you to grieve and get some closure - do it. Damn anyone else and what they think.

curfam4 · August 2015

I am so sorry for your loss! My oldest sister's first baby, a daughter, was stillborn 9 years ago at 20 weeks. She and her husband were devastated, but did take pictures and spend time with her in the hospital. They also had a funeral/burial for her that just immediate family attended. It was a very fitting way to celebrate her short life, and my sister and brother in law cherish the pictures they have of their sweet Joy.

leighann1 · August 2015

Sweet Sadie Mae said:

What the hell is wrong with him?! Honor your daughter. I think your ideas are exactly what I would feel I would do if I were in your shoes. She matters and honoring her is obviously important to you. I can't believe he told you that! Keep him out of your life, I'm sorry but he sounds terrible.

This.

Hugs and prayers to you. Surround yourself with support and positivity, not this guy.

przemosbabe · August 2015

There is nothing I can say without getting too emotional other than I am so incredibly sorry to hear that this has happened to you and I am sorry your baby's father said those things to you. I think he is completely wrong in his opinion to say the least & to put how I feel about it civilly. I think you should do exactly as you have planned. If it were me, spending time with my baby and having a service would be part of my healing process & I would cherish that time spent with my baby forever. If he doesn't want to participate that's his loss. This was very hurtful to read so I can't even imagine how you are feeling. Be gentle with yourself.

tate62610 · August 2015

You've already done all you need to do for the father. Which was just giving him the option to be included. You do what you need to do to get the closure you need, mama.

komorebi · August 2015

Do what YOU need to do. There is no right or wrong here and whatever gives you any amount of peace and closure, you do that. I can't even begin to imagine being in your shoes. My thoughts will be with you.

gograce · August 2015

I'm so glad to know that you're making it through each day.
I'm sorry your ex isn't supportive of your plans. Screw him, though. If he doesn't want to be apart of your grieving process, you don't need him AT ALL. Do what you need to do to make it through the grieving.
I hope that you talk to your mom soon. I also hope she is supportive and loving in your time of need.
Please be sure to take care of yourself. I think of you often, and I worry about you.

RainbowMama7 · August 2015

I'm so sad for you and definitely think you have a right to mourn in whatever way feels right to you. How long do you need to wait to have your baby? I feel like this has been so long and has to be so very hard on you

mllelibbington · August 2015

It's not up to anyone else what someone experiencing grief should or should not do. Anything you choose is correct. I'm so sorry this happened to you, my condolences for your loss.

mightyk23 · August 2015

I'm so sorry for your lose. I feel like you should definitely spend time with her and do a service. She was your baby after all. And I've even seen people do really beautiful photo shoots with their lost lo. I would do it if I ever had to go through what you've been through. Stay strong and do what's right for you and your baby

lilmagic00 · August 2015

I'm so sorry for ur loss....praying for you : ( God Bless!!!

mom4liak · August 2015

I have been through this (minus the DB baby daddy). Hold her, take pictures, mourn for her, have a service. All of these things will ultimately help you find closer eventually. Your heart will never stop yearning for her but it will become more bearable over time.
I still visit my sons grave. We celebrate his short life on his birthday and talk about him and how old he would be now. Even my kids that were born after him know they have a brother in heaven. Having pictures and a few moments of memories will be so welcomed in the future.
My heart hurts for you and you are in my T&P's.

intheversa · August 2015

Honey you have been in my thoughts for the past couple weeks. I am so sorry that he is reacting this way. I think that if it helps you to have a service for her and take pictures, then you should do it. You need to mourn in whatever way you feel will help. If he doesn't want to be involved then that's his choice, but this is your child and you need to do whatever helps you through this. Reach out to your mom, I think she will be a good support system for you and keep those that love and support you close.

And remember that we're always here to give you support as well whenver you need it.

wifething2013 · August 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss!! I cannot speak from experience, but my mom had a still birth. She didn't hold her daughter after she was born and says she really regrets it! I would encourage you to hold her, kiss her, see her, and take pictures! and if you want to have a service for her you definitely should. She is your daughter and her life is worth honoring and grieving. I will keep you in my prayers!

Lbloom · August 2015

I am so sorry that your daughter's father doesn't want to be there when she is born. I haven't any experience with that but I know that if I were in your place (I have had a stillbirth), I would still plan to have a photographer (like Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) or someone to take photos. I would spend as much time with her as you can and do what you need to do with her while she is there with you (like dress her, look her all over and love on her as much as you can). I would also have a service for her. We did have a funeral and attended memory services with a support group. These rituals are important for us who are still here so we can say goodbye and have some bit of closure. Some people would not be comfortable doing all this but I do know that there are no second chances with any of this. Moms and family members of angels tend to regret the things they didn't do more than what they did do. And not everyone puts up the photos they take. Some people put them in a memory box, but the point is, they are there if and when you are ready for them. Do as much as you are comfortable with, everyone grieves differently (your daughter's father is a perfect example of this) and no one should be forced to do anything they don't want to do. You have bravely told him what is going on, that is all you can do. I hope to God that you have some family or friends with you to support you when she is born. But like I said, do everything you are comfortable with at the time of birth - you only get one shot at this and you don't want to end up regretting something later. ((Hugs!)) You are in my prayers.

Lbloom · August 2015

My stillbirth was a complete unexpected shock; we had no prior warning. She died right before birth. The nurses at our hospital were amazing. They called a local photographer who came in the middle of the night and they themselves went to WalMart to get some clothes for her (we had nothing) (this was all around midnight, or 1 in the morning). We have over 300 photos thanks to them. They also took prints of her hands and feet. I have a lock of her hair that they clipped for us. I was out for most of this as I had an emergency C-section and was knocked out with general anesthetic so I woke up an hour later and got to hold my daughter and the photographer took a few family shots. If I would have had notice I would have brought a hand/foot print mold kit of some kind. I regret not undressing her to look her all over. As I said, I was in shock and if not for our unbelievably wonderful nurses, we would have a lot fewer memories to cling to. It has been over 4 years since she was born but I remember every detail of that night - the horrible and the bittersweet. Our favorite photos of her are up in our living room. She looks just like a sleeping angel.

plumpous · August 2015

So sorry to hear that your situation is still so hard and that the dad is being difficult, that's the last thing you need... Definitely join a support group.

As for holding her as she comes out, and doing all the other things you described- I think you should do it. I don't have the same experience, and I know this may sound a bit weird and unrelated, but a year ago one of my cats had cancer at the age of 4 and it was inoperable. We had to put him down. I loved that thing so deeply. My DH was against being there during the injection but my friend said that we would regret it forever. We sat with him as the vet administered the fluid and I held my cat as he went to sleep in my arms. My DH and I were both there to see the cat go and say our goodbye. It was so so important. Just letting her go like nothing? No, you can't do that. Listen to your heart.

I pray for you to have a new healthier relationship with someone who's in it and that you get the family you always wanted and deserve. I am so sorry that you are going through such harsh times.

mommyTARDIS · September 2015

I am so sorry for you loss honey, I just lost my own little one two weeks ago, I can't imagine going through this and not having the support of my husband.

If you want to hold her, do it. if you want photos taken do it. if you want a service,do it.
I did all of these, but there are a couple little things I did not do, sing to him, hold him the one last time I could have, and I regret it,which makes it harder some days.
You don't want to have regrets mixed with the grief.

I would tell you mother too, she may be able to give you a great amount of support at this time.

As for the father....I am so sorry that he is dealing with it is this way. Something you can do is go ahead with your plans, plan everything and just give him the option to be involved, keep him updates even if he does not reply to any messages...that way you can be at peace that you gave him the chance, and also he can't come back later and say you didn't.
Who knows, he may even show up to see her, or go to the service, grife changes people in surprising ways some times.

JAZsax · September 2015

There are no words to express how I feel about your situation...sorry just does not seem like enough. Thoughts and prayers to you, your family, and your little angel up in heaven. I think that you should do whatever you feel will help you with the grieving process.

kfry22 · September 2015

Um Im not sure why this thread has popped back up but it is a hoax. The original poster made up this story and countless others. She stole photos from a blog claiming it was her and her son. This thread needs to go back into hiding.

Please shut this down @BumpAdmin

whitemn04 · September 2015

I had a friend who went into premature labor with her twins and lost them both after about 10-15 minutes. She had pictures done and they were beautiful. She also had a small intimate ceremony and has a burial site for them. She too debated on the service but was glad she did. It helped her with closure. I'm so sorry for your loss but in my opinion I think you should do as you initially wished. Your baby deserves to be remembered and your last moments with her deserve a service to remember her by and to say good bye. Praying for you.

shannnnny · September 2015

I'm truly sorry for your loss. My little sister too lost her child. She chose to spend as much as possible with her son after delivery. She held a service as well. It was really good for her and our family. If you feel that's what you need to do, do it.

tate62610 · September 2015

This thread needs to die as it was a made up story.

LiveNLove44 · September 2015

@BumpAdmin can this thread be shut down? There were some significant issues with this topic and poster at the end of August, and this particular thread is emotionally damaging for many women at this point.

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