Single Parents
Herti
member
I don't know why you're worrying, you can't expect anything from BD.
Herti
member
I would just like to hear some other opinions..
I am 15 weeks today. The father and I were not in a relationship, it was actually time our first time having sex in about two years. Initially when I told him the news I asked whether being a father was something he wanted to do and was ready to do. Being adopted, he claims to be estatic and involved in the child's life.
Its been about a month now and I've seen him twice..maybe got a text from him a couple of other times but that's all. Once the very first night for about 30 minutes and then once at my Dr visit last week. He works. But he also spends a lot of his day drinking, shooting guns with his red neck friends and hanging out with girls. Now, I suffer from severe depression.. So it's been really damn hard to adjust to my new hormones while having to detox my medication and stop taking it.. I've been going bat shit, for lack of a better term. So I expressed to him that I'd like to talk about our child, build some kind of rapport and get some kind of ground established which would mean him coming around more often (my car is broken atm). I didn't say anything about a relationship (though he asked when I initially told him) I just asked if he could check in. Last week he took me to my first real appt. There was something strange in my sonogram So we have to go to a high risk Dr for another ultrasound. When he dropped me off at home he said he'd be back after he went to a fish fry. Not only did he not come back, there wasn't even a text saying something had came up. Earlier this week, he text me in the middle of his shift to tell me he was coming over after work. Again, I waited. Even text and asked what was going on. Nothing. Not a thing.
It really upsets me. I'm literally nothing but an incubator..if that. All of my friends tell me that maybe it will get better once baby is actually here..but if you didn't care how it made it to the world or even if it made it at all..why do you care after birth? They say he doesn't have anything to do with this 9 months, y'all aren't together so he's not going to be concerned about you. Don't expect him anything of him...but when he's ready, let him be in their life. I argue that I'd like to try to get to know each other..and they hit back with well you should have did that before y'all had unprotected sex. I completely agree with that statement.. I definitely don't know him as well as I thought..but guess what it happened. I need to know where to go from now.
I'm terribly frustrated at their responses.. Especially them being women. They're right, I shouldn't expect anything. Not even mental support or a check in. BUT can we just talk about how fucked up that is..and I guarantee in March, he's going to have all of these wants and demands like present in the delivery room, last name, name on BC, etc. And honestly I wouldn't be as upset had he said no when I asked if he wanted it or not.
I'm sorry, I know this was long.. Thoughts?
I am 15 weeks today. The father and I were not in a relationship, it was actually time our first time having sex in about two years. Initially when I told him the news I asked whether being a father was something he wanted to do and was ready to do. Being adopted, he claims to be estatic and involved in the child's life.
Its been about a month now and I've seen him twice..maybe got a text from him a couple of other times but that's all. Once the very first night for about 30 minutes and then once at my Dr visit last week. He works. But he also spends a lot of his day drinking, shooting guns with his red neck friends and hanging out with girls. Now, I suffer from severe depression.. So it's been really damn hard to adjust to my new hormones while having to detox my medication and stop taking it.. I've been going bat shit, for lack of a better term. So I expressed to him that I'd like to talk about our child, build some kind of rapport and get some kind of ground established which would mean him coming around more often (my car is broken atm). I didn't say anything about a relationship (though he asked when I initially told him) I just asked if he could check in. Last week he took me to my first real appt. There was something strange in my sonogram So we have to go to a high risk Dr for another ultrasound. When he dropped me off at home he said he'd be back after he went to a fish fry. Not only did he not come back, there wasn't even a text saying something had came up. Earlier this week, he text me in the middle of his shift to tell me he was coming over after work. Again, I waited. Even text and asked what was going on. Nothing. Not a thing.
It really upsets me. I'm literally nothing but an incubator..if that. All of my friends tell me that maybe it will get better once baby is actually here..but if you didn't care how it made it to the world or even if it made it at all..why do you care after birth? They say he doesn't have anything to do with this 9 months, y'all aren't together so he's not going to be concerned about you. Don't expect him anything of him...but when he's ready, let him be in their life. I argue that I'd like to try to get to know each other..and they hit back with well you should have did that before y'all had unprotected sex. I completely agree with that statement.. I definitely don't know him as well as I thought..but guess what it happened. I need to know where to go from now.
I'm terribly frustrated at their responses.. Especially them being women. They're right, I shouldn't expect anything. Not even mental support or a check in. BUT can we just talk about how fucked up that is..and I guarantee in March, he's going to have all of these wants and demands like present in the delivery room, last name, name on BC, etc. And honestly I wouldn't be as upset had he said no when I asked if he wanted it or not.
I'm sorry, I know this was long.. Thoughts?
Re: I don't know why you're worrying, you can't expect anything from BD.
First about your friends. Honestly, no one knows what we feel like unless they are in our shoes. Even if someone has gone through a similar experience, everyone copes differently. Therefore you can't expect a lot of the support you need from friends and family. Yes they can be there for you to cheer you up, help with chores, etc, but most people won't be able to understand how you feel and offer sound advice. I used to be frustrated with my friends too. Some would say " oh come on, there's so many single moms out there, it's not that hard!" Others would say negative things about BD. My mom would guilt trip me. And so on. I learnt who to go to for what advice and I stick to it. I don't get upset at the ones who don't get it. It's not their fault. They just don't know!!!
So my advice is try and let go of feeling frustrated at friends. Come on here and talk to us
As for BD.... A lot of them are like that. I've read a lot that guys just don't get the paternal feeling until the baby is here. They can't sympathize with the pregnancy and how very difficult it can be for us. All I wanted from BD was to Show he cares about ME, my morning sickness, my crazy emotions, my changing body. It's HUGE for me!! It's a massive change. But even though he said he cared, I didn't feel it. Now I'm 21 weeks and I've accepted it for the most part. Once I let go of my expectations for him, it became easier.
So again, don't feel alone and like you're crazy. I've had the same feelings and they are normal. Sending you hugs!!!!
@lubaTO I had recently given up on therapy because I LOVED my first one and she left..and no one has been the same and I'm just tired of telling my story.. But I REALLY need it. My Dr gave me some sources to a few though..
Far as depression, exercise helps a ton, doing something creative or keeping your mind occupied helps, talking to ppl in similaR situations, eating healthy, taking aroma therapy baths most def helps, sented candles, ...and for me not being in contact with BD so i wont have to hear his BS helps a lot, and trying to stay positive. I also have Severe depression and anxiety so trust me...getting to the calm state is hard. But you gotta try.
I am now 26 weeks and when I feel my baby girl move dance and play...it puts a huge smile on my face.
Yes. I got the whole unprotected speech and blah blah blah. Truth of the matter both my doc and I were surprised because I had a myomectomy last year so my chances were real slim. Same as you it took one time and I didnt have sex in a couple of years. He was also someone I knew for a looong time..or thought I knew. AND heck ya...it takes bloody TWO!! Of course being a woman we get the bad wrap. Screw them. This is reality. People get pregnant even trying not to. Focus on you and your child. F*** the rest.
My friend is going through the same thing I am but she got married and pregnant right after. He denied it, beat her, threatened her, and is now MIA. They got a divorce within a year. So, even in marriage things go astray.