I don't know why you're worrying, you can't expect anything from BD. — The Bump
Single Parents

I don't know why you're worrying, you can't expect anything from BD.

I would just like to hear some other opinions..

I am 15 weeks today. The father and I were not in a relationship, it was actually time our first time having sex in about two years. Initially when I told him the news I asked whether being a father was something he wanted to do and was ready to do. Being adopted, he claims to be estatic and involved in the child's life.

Its been about a month now and I've seen him twice..maybe got a text from him a couple of other times but that's all. Once the very first night for about 30 minutes and then once at my Dr visit last week. He works. But he also spends a lot of his day drinking, shooting guns with his red neck friends and hanging out with girls. Now, I suffer from severe depression.. So it's been really damn hard to adjust to my new hormones while having to detox my medication and stop taking it.. I've been going bat shit, for lack of a better term. So I expressed to him that I'd like to talk about our child, build some kind of rapport and get some kind of ground established which would mean him coming around more often (my car is broken atm). I didn't say anything about a relationship (though he asked when I initially told him) I just asked if he could check in. Last week he took me to my first real appt. There was something strange in my sonogram So we have to go to a high risk Dr for another ultrasound. When he dropped me off at home he said he'd be back after he went to a fish fry. Not only did he not come back, there wasn't even a text saying something had came up. Earlier this week, he text me in the middle of his shift to tell me he was coming over after work. Again, I waited. Even text and asked what was going on. Nothing. Not a thing.

It really upsets me. I'm literally nothing but an incubator..if that. All of my friends tell me that maybe it will get better once baby is actually here..but if you didn't care how it made it to the world or even if it made it at all..why do you care after birth? They say he doesn't have anything to do with this 9 months, y'all aren't together so he's not going to be concerned about you. Don't expect him anything of him...but when he's ready, let him be in their life. I argue that I'd like to try to get to know each other..and they hit back with well you should have did that before y'all had unprotected sex. I completely agree with that statement.. I definitely don't know him as well as I thought..but guess what it happened. I need to know where to go from now.

I'm terribly frustrated at their responses.. Especially them being women. They're right, I shouldn't expect anything. Not even mental support or a check in. BUT can we just talk about how fucked up that is..and I guarantee in March, he's going to have all of these wants and demands like present in the delivery room, last name, name on BC, etc. And honestly I wouldn't be as upset had he said no when I asked if he wanted it or not.

I'm sorry, I know this was long.. Thoughts?

Re: I don't know why you're worrying, you can't expect anything from BD.

  • UUuuuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh!!!! Anyone that feels like they have some say about what happened the night you and him had sex should SHUT THE FUCK UP.  It was a decision, it was mutual, and regardless of whether or not you used protection doesn't mean anything other than you didn't use protection.  Seriously, you're a woman out in the world, I'm pretty sure you wear your big girl pants everyday just fine.  I'm not advocating unsafe sex, I'm just saying plenty of people get pregnant with birth control, so they can shut the fuck up with their judgments. Ugh.

    Anyway...

    Sorry about the situation you're in.  It would probably be best if you just gave him updates here and there but outside that don't contact him unless he contacts you.  And only talk about the LO.  If he starts to show some more interest, then that's good.  If he doesn't, that's fine also.  If you're worried about what he'll be like when the baby comes, you might tell him you want that planned out now.  Have it in writing somewhere because then it's documented (the mantra here is DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT).  He can't really demand anything of you.  If you're at the hospital and you tell him you don't want him there and he shows up anyway, the staff will keep him out for you if you ask them to.  Because the doctors and nurses want this experience as stress-free as possible for you.

    Wanting to reach out into a void is normal, I'm pretty confident that all the single moms by circumstance felt that way at some point (depending on the situation). The sadness of the situation is normal, but I've never dealt with the depression aspect.  I hope that there is something you could do to keep that under control without meds during this pregnancy.  I know there are foods out there that help to ease depression symptoms but I can't think of them off the top of my head.

    Also, being frustrated with what these people are saying is totally normal, too.  I mean, again, what business is it of theirs really?  Why are they shaming you for it?  Dude was part of it, too, and it sounds like they're harder on your because "you should have known better". He should have known better, too.  You BOTH had sex, you're pregnant. Takes two to tango.  If they're going to judge you, they should probably hold up a mirror on their lives and realize they aren't perfect humans either.  It would be nice if you two got to know each other better, it would help with co-parenting, but that's between the two of you.  People have one night stands, we're grown-ups, right?  Telling you not to have sex is like telling you that you can't eat a donut because they're on a diet. That shit gets on my nerves.  Its your body, and unless their opinions are paying your bills, they can shut the fuck up.

    Err... I hope that helped a little bit... I get ranty sometimes...
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    HertiSynnovus
  • Oh honey!!! It all sounds soooo familiar to me and I'm sure to many of us!!!

    First about your friends. Honestly, no one knows what we feel like unless they are in our shoes. Even if someone has gone through a similar experience, everyone copes differently. Therefore you can't expect a lot of the support you need from friends and family. Yes they can be there for you to cheer you up, help with chores, etc, but most people won't be able to understand how you feel and offer sound advice. I used to be frustrated with my friends too. Some would say " oh come on, there's so many single moms out there, it's not that hard!" Others would say negative things about BD. My mom would guilt trip me. And so on. I learnt who to go to for what advice and I stick to it. I don't get upset at the ones who don't get it. It's not their fault. They just don't know!!!

    So my advice is try and let go of feeling frustrated at friends. Come on here and talk to us :) we get it and we can talk it out. It has helped me a lot. I also talk to only one girlfriend who has a child and had always had issues with her husband. And the third person is my therapist ( I recommend trying therapy if you haven't yet, especially if you suffer from depression)

    As for BD.... A lot of them are like that. I've read a lot that guys just don't get the paternal feeling until the baby is here. They can't sympathize with the pregnancy and how very difficult it can be for us. All I wanted from BD was to Show he cares about ME, my morning sickness, my crazy emotions, my changing body. It's HUGE for me!! It's a massive change. But even though he said he cared, I didn't feel it. Now I'm 21 weeks and I've accepted it for the most part. Once I let go of my expectations for him, it became easier.

    So again, don't feel alone and like you're crazy. I've had the same feelings and they are normal. Sending you hugs!!!!
    Herti20thirteenvictoria98zuzu87
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  • @20thirteen You were not ranty at all. Hell I had to stop myself from making mind sound like that lol but I just don't get how we live in a society where pregnancy is a punishment and only for the woman at that! Smh.

    @lubaTO I had recently given up on therapy because I LOVED my first one and she left..and no one has been the same and I'm just tired of telling my story.. But I REALLY need it. My Dr gave me some sources to a few though..
  • Thank you both for your responses!
  • Ohhh Girl!! Your situation sounds sooooooooo similar to mine except my BD decided to not contact me back after he said a sea full of unkind words.

    Far as depression, exercise helps a ton, doing something creative or keeping your mind occupied helps, talking to ppl in similaR situations, eating healthy, taking aroma therapy baths most def helps, sented candles, ...and for me not being in contact with BD so i wont have to hear his BS helps a lot, and trying to stay positive. I also have Severe depression and anxiety so trust me...getting to the calm state is hard. But you gotta try.

    I am now 26 weeks and when I feel my baby girl move dance and play...it puts a huge smile on my face.

    Yes. I got the whole unprotected speech and blah blah blah. Truth of the matter both my doc and I were surprised because I had a myomectomy last year so my chances were real slim. Same as you it took one time and I didnt have sex in a couple of years. He was also someone I knew for a looong time..or thought I knew. AND heck ya...it takes bloody TWO!! Of course being a woman we get the bad wrap. Screw them. This is reality. People get pregnant even trying not to. Focus on you and your child. F*** the rest.

    My friend is going through the same thing I am but she got married and pregnant right after. He denied it, beat her, threatened her, and is now MIA. They got a divorce within a year. So, even in marriage things go astray.
    20thirteenvictoria98zuzu87
  • kiam032 said:
    Far as depression, exercise helps a ton, doing something creative or keeping your mind occupied helps, talking to ppl in similaR situations, eating healthy, taking aroma therapy baths most def helps, sented candles, ...and for me not being in contact with BD so i wont have to hear his BS helps a lot, and trying to stay positive. I also have Severe depression and anxiety so trust me...getting to the calm state is hard. But you gotta try. 
    I also suffer from anxiety and I don't have the money to see a therapist, I can say that I do most of what she listed and it can go a long way.  I also have breathing exercises that I do if I feel an attack coming on:  stop what you're doing (pull over if you're driving), close your eyes, breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8, repeat as necessary.  I find that when I have an attack and start my breathing exercises, the attack subsides or is shortened.  I do that a lot at work, lol.
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    Hertivictoria98
  • My experience.. if he's not gonna be interested in the pregnancy now he's not gonna do it later. And that's fine. But YOU gotta stop trying to get him involved. Send him a text once in awhile to update him. How the dr appt was. Just so he couldn't say you didn't include him. I'm sorry your going threw this, its gonna hurt, make you hate him bit at the end of the day you need to worry about YOU and your baby.
    Hertivictoria98zuzu87
  • May I ask why you stopped your medication cold turkey? Even if what you were on causes birth defects, you should still be in something if you were before. You do not need to needlessly suffer through depression without medication.
  • @Knottie9983816 she tapered me off for a few days and then told me to stop... he has since then told me I could still take my wellbrutin and gave me some prozac. I honestly just don't feel like he (my doctor) gives a damn.. but I'm 22 weeks now... feel its too late to change drs.
  • @herti  if your doctor doesn't make you comfortable or you feel that (s)he isn't giving you the kind of care you need, I would highly recommend changing doctors.  It's not unheard of to switch late in the game (even though you aren't *that* late), it doesn't happen often, but if you think you need to, you should.  The moment my doc sounded dismissive of something I was concerned about, I looked him right in the eye and said "I have no problem switching doctors if you are not going to take me seriously."  We talked it out, he was pretty good from that point on.

    And if you don't feel comfortable telling your doctor that you want a different doctor, find a new doc first and have their staff handle the file transfer.  Then you don't have to talk to that doctor again.  They are supposed to be there to care for you and make sure this pregnancy is healthy.  They're not doing their job if they make you feel like they just don't care.
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