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December 2015 Moms
Melissadmag
member
Would you sell your eggs?
Melissadmag
member
This is unrelated to our pregnancies, but it's an interesting topic (I think).
My BIL's girlfriend recently started selling her eggs for extra cash. Basically she injects herself with hormones to get on the same cycle as the one wanting (needing) her eggs (or something like that) and once a month she goes under anesthesia and has about 35 eggs removed. She makes $4,500 every time she completes an egg donation (or transfer, not sure what to call it?)
On the one hand she is helping out other families that are unable to reproduce without another woman's eggs. On the other hand, well, she's selling her eggs and has no say in who they go to and has no rights to any of the children produced from them obviously.
It's supposed to be the same concept as a man going to a sperm bank.
Anyway, how do you feel about all of this? I keep going back and forth with my feelings about it all. One second I'm like, ahhhh she's selling her children! Won't that freak her out later in life? Plus how does she tell her future kids? Does she tell them to be careful about who they date because they might have a crush on an unknown sibling? Etc, etc, and then I'm like wow, she's doing a huge favor for these families in need. Then again I know she's not doing it to be helpful, she's doing it for the money, so I don't know lol. Anyway, thoughts? Feelings?
Re: Would you sell your eggs?
I kinda have a problem with the way it is advertised in college student papers etc. there is definitely a target group.
Personally I don't think I'd put myself through that, but I appreciate that people do.
She goes through a thorough health screening (and genetic)and obviously the parents that would be receiving the donated eggs know to tell their children about which donor number they came from so there wouldn't be an issue with regards to children dating each other. They even have her picture so they could easily identify the same donor. I don't mean to dismiss part of this as silly, but these are issues that are addressed in contract by the companies that provide the donor eggs and there are tons of legal aspects involved. The legal costs alone to the receipients is often over $10,000. The total costs usually run slightly above $40,000 per cycle.
And... She is not doing this every month. There are limits for how many times a year a woman may donate. She is being closely monitored with ultrasounds and bloodwork and it is hardly as if this is experimental.
Again, I think it is a beautiful gift to give to couples who desperately want to have their own children but may not be able to without her help... Even if it isn't wholly altruistic on her part. It is still very selfless.
I am so incredibly grateful for women like her who will give others option to carry their own babies. Since I don't think any women on this BMB (and I could be wrong) are pregnant via a donor egg, it should also be noted that the child is biologically the woman's who gives birth to it. It is genetically the donors. However, most genetic traits are turned on and off in utero and you would be surprised at how much like birth mother the babies tend to be. It is the biological mother (the receipient/birth mother who caries and births the baby whose blood runs through its veins.)
But I would need to research it very in depth and know all about the company I was going through. It wouldn't be a decision made lightly.
*ETA- i'm pretty sure schizophrenia would disqualify from being able to donate though. I'm not certain. Usually, when a woman gets to the point when she's willing to pay over $40,000 per shot at having a child, ADHD seems like a minor issue.
Also an IVFer here. When you use fertility drugs you are stimulating follicles to mature that you would be otherwise losing. Every month you have x number of follicles in each ovary and one (usually) matures and you ovulate that one egg. The rest would be lost from your reserve regardless if you use fertility drugs or not. So the drugs just stimulate those follicles that wouldn't normally mature, so you get more than one egg. Not sure if I explained that well.. It's been a while since I did the research because I was worried about this myself. Just FYI!
Are the costs this exorbitant because they know people will pay it or is it because of the technology/skill taken to perform such procedures?
It's sad to think that people who aren't well off can't afford to have a child if they're struggling with infertility.
By donating I am helping someone in need - there aren't many women of color (anyone non-white) that donate and there is a need because women of color also have issues conceiving. I don't think about it as a bunch of mini-me's running around because once the eggs were harvested they belonged to the new mom not me. Signing the forms and taking that check meant I did no more than donated half of the genetic material and I have no say in anything. I never saw the couple who received my eggs and it was never discussed whether the donation resulted in a live birth so I didn't feel an attachment to anything. At the end of the day that woman carries and nurtures the baby for 9 months (then raises them afterwards) so in my mind it's 100% her baby.
I was compensated well -$8500 and I had a full battery of genetic and medical tests, as well as a psych exam performed for free. I donated at a university hospital and they didn't just take people off the street. You could sign up but they didn't call you to start the process until they found a match. Donating multiple times did not affect my ability to have children at all. I got pregnant at 34 with my son and at 37 with my second - both without much effort other than having the thought. If I can help another woman achieve her dream at motherhood without sacrificing mine why not.
Surprisingly, adopting a child actually costs more. The cost of adoption can easily run between $60,000-$100,000. It's heart wrenching and I wish it were not the case.
For us, it's sort of a catch 22. We waited until we were older to have a family. We wanted to be financially secure and sable to provide for our children… But all of the savings that we have worked so hard to do may be spent on infertility treatments instead of on our children which is what we had planned. We still have our fingers crossed that we will get our rainbow baby without assistance. My last two pregnancies, the twins that were due in December and my little girl that was due in March were unassisted. So we are praying that we will have a successful pregnancy. However, if all of this does not work, we will definitely look to adopt.
I also dont put a lot of emphasis on DNA. If I were to donate eggs, while yes its my DNA, i would not consider them mini mes or my children that are with other people. They are THEIR children, THEIR family. They birth them, raise them, love them. I just provided the egg to do it.
I know thats a different view from many but for me, family has never been just about blood/DNA. And the ability to help someone achieve that I think would be an incredible gift.
Younger eggs (<25) are thought to be "fresher" and yield better results than older eggs. Most facilities won't look at someone over the age of 30 or 32 because at that point the quality begins to deteriorate. If you are paying tens of thousands of dollars you want to make sure you are getting the best of everything so you have the best chances of a viable pregnancy. Nothing about this process is guaranteed but with younger eggs you chances are better.
I don't believe DNA is what makes you a parent, so for me, having a "mini me" out there somewhere isn't a scary thought. It's a little odd, sure, but I wouldn't consider that child to be mine in any way at all. I personally don't think of all the hundreds of eggs currently in my ovaries to be my kids or potential kids either...
I am a bit of a wuss when it comes to doctors though so the idea of them extracting eggs is a little scary to me too but hubby and I have actually discussed it and he's alright with the idea too.
As far as anything concerning the child comes; it's not my kid. My egg may have helped but the baby that comes from it will be the parent's family, unless I gave birth to the kid myself I wouldn't trouble myself thinking about them other than a "hope the kid is everything they ever dreamed of" feeling. Least, that's what I assume I'd feel, hard to say til you actually do it right?
We paid her $5000, but only after she was processed through our Fertility clinic. She had every genetic testing and phyclogical and psychiatric evaluation performed before she was even added to the donor egg program. We then selected her through the online matching system. She does have ADD, but the have ADHD and severe anxiety so that didn't matter at all to us. She gave up her holiday season (thanksgiving, Christmas and new years) to take medicine and have her retrieval. I never could have done that at any point during college so I am deeply thankful for what she did for us. She had a waiting list of 5 couples after us and she may have donated again. We also had to go through a psychological evaluation and I had to have notes from my psychologist saying I was okay to go through this process.
We did attempt an IVF before using her as a donor and as expected, I didn't produce anything. So, this was a good option. It was only $5000 more than a normal IVF and she deserved every cent she received. We ended up with 22 eggs...10 frozen, 2 trashed and 10 used for our cycle. They only threw out 2 embryos and so we had 6 frozen after using 2 of the 8 for my son. It was a huge weight lifted off us and I may have horrible pregnancies, but I grow big and healthy babies. I just suck at being pregnant.
I was only 28 when we decided to use an egg donor so I was extremely young to have no eggs. She agrees to donate to us bc I was young and going through the massive infertiity diagnosis. We obviously will never know who she really is, but with a toddler and two on the way, she gave me a way to carry my babies. We totally would have adopted, but it wouldn't cost us any less (actually more than the $45,000 we have spent already....includes other treatments and labor/delivery/NICU stay).
My clinic preferred to use women who had kids already bc 1) you know their eggs are decent, 2) you don't run into the "i helped someone and now I can't get pregnant" issue and 3) the women usually have thought it through and are doing it to help vs make money. We happened to pick a woman without kids. She did great and here we are almost a family of 5!
I can always answer any questions. We had a wonderful experience with our clinic and I have helped several friends through the process of deciding if they whojkd egg/sperm donors. I will say that because of my history of chronic kidney stones and migraines, it was a no brainer to just move forward. My clinic said we decided the quickest they'd ever had a couple do it. Most take years and spend double what we did you get the result we have. I just wanted to have one kiddo and here I am with 3. It's crazy and the biggest rollercoaster/gift I have ever been given.
Younger eggs (<25) are thought to be "fresher" and yield better results than older eggs. Most facilities won't look at someone over the age of 30 or 32 because at that point the quality begins to deteriorate. If you are paying tens of thousands of dollars you want to make sure you are getting the best of everything so you have the best chances of a viable pregnancy. Nothing about this process is guaranteed but with younger eggs you chances are better.
On the ads in college newspapers and programs that aren't particular.....drives me crazy. All we wanted was someone tall (I'm the shortest female at 5'9" and my husband is 6'6") and our donor is 6'1" and her brother is 6'8". I have to remember that she needs to be referred to in the present tense...bc she is still living. But, height was an issue considering all sides of the family are huge. And a 6' woman is normal for us and a 6'8" man is too. Giants. We own it.
Then we just made sure she didn't have any major medical history (family or her) that were overly disturbing. I think her dad had high cholesterol and high blood pressure (fairly normal for a man that is 6'6"... Yes they gave us that as well). But her family history was good. They did include education on her, siblings, parents and grandparents. I think her generation was the first to go to college, but not disturbing. My parents have PhDs and were the first college grads on either side.of the family. Everyone else in my generation went to some college, but a few didn't. I am the most educated with a masters degree and I stopped working during Fertility stuff. So, I think we tried to look at intelligence in a realistic sense. My most intelligent relative has severe dislexia and can't read.....anything. All the help in the world can't make it happen so I think we tried to look at the whole picture.
I will say that it is by far the hardest decision emotionally I have ever made....my husband said he would support whatever, but he wouldnt have been able to make the decision to use a sperm donor. Once I looked at the medical facts and left my feelings out of it, I realized that it's just like adopting a kid but they have my husband's genes (and not my crappy ones....I'm a hott mess with chronic health issues...none horrible or life shortening but annoying) and I would get to carry them. So basically, I adopted eggs. Best. Devision. Ever. (Besides marrying my husband). And I really mean that.
Continue the discussion....i LOVE that the question was asked. I would have said no way 5 years ago and here I am with (almost) 3 kids out of it. Life is weird.
Maybe it will help someone toying with the idea of either being a donor or a recipient and letting others know they aren't alone. That is by far the hardest part of being a recipient. You think you are the only one....and then if you talk openly (like I do in real life.....to complete strangers), you realize that you aren't alone in any of it!
Just please make sure you let friends, family or anyone (including you) make sure they are working with a good clinic to donate/receive. There are so many nightmare stories of people with totally good intentions being over medicated as a donor. That is the worst. Just because you have those eggs, doesnt mean you are meant to ovulate (or almost ovulate) that many at once. Over stimulation can cause some bad side effects and make you super sick. I never had that issue (I always had empty follicles....but ovulated them).
Sorry. As you can tell, I am super passionate about this. But, I totally see why people think it's weird and don't support it. I see it both ways.....I am still battling with myself over what we should do with the extra embryos. The decision doesn't end when you have those babies (especially when you have 10 perfectly good frozen eggs that are legally yours but you don't feel like they are really yours). It's a never ending series of adult decisions
I also have to say how incredibly impressed I am with how selfless many of you are. I don't know if I would've donated eggs being younger… It's an extremely difficult decision to make and I think it's showing a lot about one's character to even consider donating to a friend/family member. I'm happily surprised at how many of you would consider giving such an amazing gift if need be.
*clarity