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Anybody not married??

lsalvag1lsalvag1 member
in Trying to Get Pregnant
My boyfriend and I are very excited to start TTC this month. We would eventually like to get married, but it's not a priority right now (for many personal reasons). Anyone else in the same boat? I work as a guidance counselor so I'm just trying to prepare myself for questions from students and staff when I don't have a ring on my finger (if I were to get pregnant this school year!)
Me: 27 
Love of my life: 41 
Step-mother to an amazing 13-year-old boy 
TTC starting August 2015 

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Re: Anybody not married??

  • LulucooksLulucooks member
    I'm engaged. We will be getting married once Fiance finishes school. We could do it now but we want to throw a big party and just don't feel it's financially responsible at our current pay scale. Once Fiance gets his RN license we will throw a huge party ^_^
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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    We're in the same boat. How old are your students? I teach at a community college so I have adult students. They're definitely interested in professors' personal lives (and always want to know who's married, who has kids, etc), but I can't imagine any of them directly asking why someone is unmarried and pregnant.
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • lsalvag1lsalvag1 member
    I work at a middle school and they are the nosiest, most curious kids on earth! I actually think I'm more concerned about the staff. In the five years I've been there, no one has had a baby out of wedlock. Idk, maybe I'm overthinking it! It's 2015, times have changed :)
    Me: 27 
    Love of my life: 41 
    Step-mother to an amazing 13-year-old boy 
    TTC starting August 2015 

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  • PrimRoseMamaPrimRoseMama member
    lsalvag1 said:

    My boyfriend and I are very excited to start TTC this month. We would eventually like to get married, but it's not a priority right now (for many personal reasons). Anyone else in the same boat? I work as a guidance counselor so I'm just trying to prepare myself for questions from students and staff when I don't have a ring on my finger (if I were to get pregnant this school year!)

    No one has ever asked me if I was married...


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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    Oh! Also I have a colleague who has kids and she is married, but she doesn't wear a ring. Her students know she has kids because she talks about them. I don't think anyone's asked her about whether or not she's married.
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • lsalvag1lsalvag1 member
    That makes me feel better!
    Me: 27 
    Love of my life: 41 
    Step-mother to an amazing 13-year-old boy 
    TTC starting August 2015 

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  • Shaynal131Shaynal131 member
    I'm not married and it's not on the horizon at this point.  I'm a very upfront person, so I wouldn't have any issue with someone questioning me about it.  SO and I are just not all that interested in marriage now, but perhaps down the line. 
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  • indulgentgypsyindulgentgypsy member
    I work at a middle school and there is a morality clause in my contract. As my charter school was founded by a very conservative group, a baby out of wedlock would be problematic. DH and I have been married for almost 9 years, but I can imagine what my administration would say.
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  • MamabeagleMamabeagle member
    CoachBeckyCooper said:

    I work at a middle school and there is a morality clause in my contract. As my charter school was founded by a very conservative group, a baby out of wedlock would be problematic. DH and I have been married for almost 9 years, but I can imagine what my administration would say.

    I went to Catholic schools growing up. They had a policy utilized exactly once that any female student who got pregnant would be expelled, but if the father was a student he received no punishment. Oddly enough, the student who had been expelled sent her daughter to those same schools later on.
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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    CoachBeckyCooper said:

    I work at a middle school and there is a morality clause in my contract. As my charter school was founded by a very conservative group, a baby out of wedlock would be problematic. DH and I have been married for almost 9 years, but I can imagine what my administration would say.

    It's crazy to me that they can have a morality clause, since charter schools are technically public schools.

    In higher ed I only saw that at private religious schools - I never applied for jobs anywhere you have to sign a statement of faith.
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • indulgentgypsyindulgentgypsy member
    Even regular public schools often have morality clauses. My school was founded by a group of Turkish Engineers with many Muslim students. I love the diverse community, but there is often a very conservative vibe. I'm extremely careful about my online life because of this. I don't know that they would let a teacher go, but I would not be surprised if they made life very uncomfortable.
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  • LinsbinsLinsbins member
    I teach in a public school district. It recently merged with others, and when rewriting all the contracts, somehow the morality clause got left out. We have a much higher than normal lesbian/single parent population than the surrounding districts.
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  • lalala2004lalala2004 member
    CoachBeckyCooper said:

    Even regular public schools often have morality clauses. My school was founded by a group of Turkish Engineers with many Muslim students. I love the diverse community, but there is often a very conservative vibe. I'm extremely careful about my online life because of this. I don't know that they would let a teacher go, but I would not be surprised if they made life very uncomfortable.

    @CoachBeckyCooper I work for a charter school that was started by Turkish men, too! We don't have contracts though, just at will employment agreements. No morality clause. So it must be a different one....
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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    Everycol0r said:

    viabug said:

    This may be an UO and deserves to be on that board... But I just don't understand why anyone would bind themselves with kids and not be ready for marriage. So many complications down the road of you split up.... Legally anyways.
    And I know so many couples who do not divorce because of their kids. It's one thing to go on your own as a single parent from the get go, but to me doing the kid thing with a commited partner and without marriage is just asking for trouble.. Legally, personally, emotionally.....if a guy isn't ready to commit to ME, no way would a entrust him to a child we made together... Who is essentially part ME.

    Sorry @letyourheartbeyourguide you know I love you

    :-SS

    To expand: I was engaged for four years once and we toyed with the kid thing. I'm SO thankful it didn't happen now. Couldn't imagine the headaches and heartaches I would be facing now while TTC with my DH.

    I have to lean towards you in agreement. I'm a child of a divorced family and it really sucked. Married or not, a child is a far bigger commitment. I don't think poorly of anyone who decides not to get married, your life your way. But to me, if you're willing to have a baby, why is marriage unrealistic? In reality, being married or unmarried doesn't solve underlying issues that will cause a separation so it doesn't really make all that much of a difference in grande scheme of things.
    I totally get where y'all are coming from. My parents have been happily married for almost 40 years and I'm very much inspired by it. And I have lots of friends and family members whose parents got divorced and I know that can be really f'in hard.

    But I don't think people should get or stay married because they have kids. I know people who wish their parents divorced because they're so miserable, and I know people who were glad their parents remarried and they had a broader family. I think there are many ways to make a family and they don't always need to involve a married couple.

    For me, personally, I have a lot of opposition to the institution of marriage (I mayyyy have been fairly restrained so far in my political convos here). But I recognize that marriage brings certain legal benefits. We've decided we'll get married before having a baby for those reasons (we're already registered as domestic partners for insurance purposes). But I definitely can't speak for the decision making process of other unmarried folks.
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • ChristineO36ChristineO36 member
    edited August 2015
    I can't tell you how relieved I was to see your post!!!  I'm 36 and my boyfriend is 40.  We met back in 1998 and dated for a year and a half.  He was my first love.  We broke up but remained friends and got back together 8 years ago.  We've been living together for 2 years and we don't plan on getting married.  He's an amazing man and we have a wonderful life together.  For the most part, our family and friends have stopped with the questions and the judgments because they see how happy we are but we know they still wonder.  In fact, my mom recently told my 93 grandmother that we were trying to get pregnant and she looked at me and said, "You can't get pregnant.  You're not married."  So believe me, I know how you're feeling.  I tell people that as long as my child grows up in a happy, healthy home where they know they are loved and that mommy and daddy love and respect each other, that is all that matters.  
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  • lsalvag1lsalvag1 member
    katetastrophem said:

    I say it's not anyone's business whether you're married or not. If they're rude enough to ask, just say "not yet, but I do have all of the support I need." Simple without feeling like you have to justify your choices to anyone.

    Absolutely! I feel like I have all the support in the world.

    I love all the diverse opinions on this topic, especially how respectful everyone is being. We'd like to get married eventually, but it's just not a priority right now. I've never been a big marriage person, but I've always wanted children. We are very secure in our relationship and excited about this new adventure. And I do work in a public school, but no morality clause!
    Me: 27 
    Love of my life: 41 
    Step-mother to an amazing 13-year-old boy 
    TTC starting August 2015 

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  • WinchestertoPittsburghWinchestertoPittsburgh member
    If I could make a suggestion to the ladies not wanting marriage, have discussions now regarding last name. Once you give your child your S.O.'s last name, there's not much hope of it ever being changed. Hyphenated may work wonders for the future. I wish beyond the brightest star that I would have planned that out better. 
    DS Maxwell - 08/25/2009
    Wedded Bliss - 05/19/15
    MC - 05/15/15 & 7/29/15 & 11/25/15 (You were wished for, hoped for and loved)
    BFP#4; EDD 10/21/16 - Praying for a miracle.

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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    edited August 2015
    WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

    If I could make a suggestion to the ladies not wanting marriage, have discussions now regarding last name. Once you give your child your S.O.'s last name, there's not much hope of it ever being changed. Hyphenated may work wonders for the future. I wish beyond the brightest star that I would have planned that out better. 

    I think that's true for people who are married, as well. Maybe better for the UO thread, but I have no intentions of changing my name when I'm married.
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • LulucooksLulucooks member
    WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

    If I could make a suggestion to the ladies not wanting marriage, have discussions now regarding last name. Once you give your child your S.O.'s last name, there's not much hope of it ever being changed. Hyphenated may work wonders for the future. I wish beyond the brightest star that I would have planned that out better. 

    Yeah, I'm still going by my ex's last name because of my DD. Its much easier to show up at a school with the same last name as the kid your picking up. I wanted to have the ease of it for as long as possible.
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  • WinchestertoPittsburghWinchestertoPittsburgh member
    I never changed my name when I married my ex husband. Somehow, I 'knew' better than to actually do it... but I was naive and gave DS his name. It's so ridiculously difficult when trying to call doctors, fill out paperwork, speak with his school, etc. I remember signing the 'unwed mothers' paperwork at the hospital and signing over his name... I want a time machine to go back and slap myself. 

    Hyphenated names may be the best of both worlds.
    DS Maxwell - 08/25/2009
    Wedded Bliss - 05/19/15
    MC - 05/15/15 & 7/29/15 & 11/25/15 (You were wished for, hoped for and loved)
    BFP#4; EDD 10/21/16 - Praying for a miracle.

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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

    I never changed my name when I married my ex husband. Somehow, I 'knew' better than to actually do it... but I was naive and gave DS his name.

    The idea that you didn't change your name because you subconsciously "knew" the relationship wouldn't work kinda rubs me the wrong way. I know that's not your intention and you're referring to your specific relationship, but (in general) there are a lot of assumptions about women who keep their names. I don't plan on changing my name at marriage but it has absolutely nothing to do with my level of commitment or confidence in my relationship.
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • MNturnsVAMNturnsVA member
    @Everycol0r- I agree 100% and I'm not trying to be judgemental either.  I just don't understand because a child is at least 18 years of commitment, usually more, sometimes not.  but with all the health care changes and if a child goes to school you may have to co-sign or pay for some schooling at some point, so usually at least 18 years.  So why would you want to commit to a child but you can't commit to a relationship??  A child is SO much more responsibility, in so many ways.  An adult that can work and provide for themselves you can part ways and be on your merry little way.

    @ChristineO36- out of pure curiosity, if you have been together as long as you have why would you not get married?  My DH and I were together for 6 years when we got engaged because we had been through our ups and downs and all that and finally got our heads together and grew up.  So then it was time to move forward. 

    @Lulucooks- We paid for almost all of our wedding ourselves.  DH did not want a wedding, he wanted to elope.  His mom had been battling cancer for 10 years and I told him it was not fair to take a wedding away from her, I knew she would want to be here for something like that. And I knew that my family would be upset if we didn't have a wedding as well.  But we had debated a big party too.  But I totally understand saving the $$ aspect to do it.  We put most of it on the credit card and paid it off.
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  • WinchestertoPittsburghWinchestertoPittsburgh member
    @letyourheartbeyourguide, it came off the wrong way via text, because that's not what I meant. I definitely didn't mean to say that women who aren't committed don't change their name. I meant that the ex I'm referring to was the worst type of human being and I did not want to be associated with him or his family by having his name. 
    DS Maxwell - 08/25/2009
    Wedded Bliss - 05/19/15
    MC - 05/15/15 & 7/29/15 & 11/25/15 (You were wished for, hoped for and loved)
    BFP#4; EDD 10/21/16 - Praying for a miracle.

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  • letyourheartbeyourguideletyourheartbeyourguide member
    WinchestertoPittsburgh said:

    @letyourheartbeyourguide, it came off the wrong way via text, because that's not what I meant. I definitely didn't mean to say that women who aren't committed don't change their name. I meant that the ex I'm referring to was the worst type of human being and I did not want to be associated with him or his family by having his name. 

    Makes sense. And I totally hear you on the paperwork hassle. I love the hyphenated idea except for the multiple generations problem (what happens when my kid with a hyphenated last name marries someone with a hyphenated last name ... and then their kid has four last names ....). I don't really know what the solution is!
      

         TTC #1 --- BFP #1 5/15, loss at 5 weeks --- BFP #2 12/15, loss at 4+3 --- RE testing 3/16 normal, still trying for our rainbow    

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  • WinchestertoPittsburghWinchestertoPittsburgh member
    letyourheartbeyourguide said:
    @letyourheartbeyourguide, it came off the wrong way via text, because that's not what I meant. I definitely didn't mean to say that women who aren't committed don't change their name. I meant that the ex I'm referring to was the worst type of human being and I did not want to be associated with him or his family by having his name. 
    Makes sense. And I totally hear you on the paperwork hassle. I love the hyphenated idea except for the multiple generations problem (what happens when my kid with a hyphenated last name marries someone with a hyphenated last name ... and then their kid has four last names ....). I don't really know what the solution is!
    Holy crap, I had never honestly thought of that before. 

    Do you remember the movie "Father of the Bride 2" when they are discussing last names? I remember back then, it was SUCH a big deal and they spoke about combining their names to come up with an entirely new name made up of the letters of each? I guarantee that within the next 50 years, we see hybrid last names come about more often. 
    DS Maxwell - 08/25/2009
    Wedded Bliss - 05/19/15
    MC - 05/15/15 & 7/29/15 & 11/25/15 (You were wished for, hoped for and loved)
    BFP#4; EDD 10/21/16 - Praying for a miracle.

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  • Everycol0rEverycol0r member
    @Lulucooks Weddings are fabulous but I respect people more when they refuse a big wedding in lieu of saving money. DH & I had a wedding but our initial plan was just to go to a JP. We just wanted to be married & neither of us had the money to pay for a wedding.

    My MIL never had a wedding and was adamantly against us "missing out". I do thank her for that because we had a beautiful, affordable wedding for 100 people that only cost $3,000 total. My in-laws and grandmother split the cost down the middle because of some financial reasons at the time. I was very blessed. It is wonderful to have the memories of friends & family celebrating our marriage but... I'd still have been fine with a JP.
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  • LulucooksLulucooks member
    @ALittleCountry. That makes complete sense and kinda how I feel about it too. Unofficially married is what I consider us, lol.

    @Everycol0r My parents eloped and would be completely OK if we did too. His parents would like to come to our wedding. Even if we get married at the court house we'd still have a wedding, it'd just be at a later date. We would probably take a honeymoon before the wedding, lol! Beyond just having a big party that's what we are looking forward to most and what we'd spend the most on.
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  • LinsbinsLinsbins member
    Why does having the same last name as your kid make it easier for school? Besides the initial ID check before I know you, I don't understand why there would be issues solely because of last name. Confusion, maybe, when meeting different staff members. I've worked preschool and kindergarten, and so many families have different last names within the family. It's never a problem.
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  • WinchestertoPittsburghWinchestertoPittsburgh member
    Linsbins said:
    Why does having the same last name as your kid make it easier for school? Besides the initial ID check before I know you, I don't understand why there would be issues solely because of last name. Confusion, maybe, when meeting different staff members. I've worked preschool and kindergarten, and so many families have different last names within the family. It's never a problem.
    Initial paperwork is a hassle, more than a problem, but then afterwards I have had secretaries contact my ex's wife (who has DS's last name) and giving information she was not to have and let her answer questions/make decisions she was not to make. All because they assumed she was DS's mother. I've been ID'd by some teachers that I then got to know, but then refused entrance into DS's preschool when my ID showed a different last name and then had to wait until they searched through paperwork because they didn't recognize me (different teachers on a different day.. more of an inconvenience than a problem). And lastly, whether or not society wants to admit it, there is a stigma attached with having a different last name and I've felt judgment from others on a more personal level. 
    DS Maxwell - 08/25/2009
    Wedded Bliss - 05/19/15
    MC - 05/15/15 & 7/29/15 & 11/25/15 (You were wished for, hoped for and loved)
    BFP#4; EDD 10/21/16 - Praying for a miracle.

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