Older sibs: compliments, complaints, and questions

ChardeeMacDennis · July 2015

I know there are other moms out there with more than one kid. How is it going adding another to your family? Are the older sibs helping or hindering?

I'll start with a complaint (sorry boys): my boys share a room and they NEVER want to play in there... Except when I'm feeding their sister next door. And of course whatever they're doing involves stomping and shouting. My middle did actually leave the room for a little while so it got quiet. Turns out he went downstairs to poop on the rug. Potty training with a newborn is a terrible idea.

ksimo6 · July 2015

DD is almost two and loves her brother A LOT. She's been pretty good during the transition but definitely pushes the limits more than she used to. She has become very familiar with the time out step.

laurendutch · July 2015

We are dealing with a couple of issues.

1. They smother here! They love her a ton but just don't give her any space. It's frustrating to say "Give her space/Get out of her face/Get off of her" a hundred times a day.

2. One of my twins is having meltdowns and has been back talking. I know I need to work better on one on one time with him.

Sammy K · July 2015

DS has been great for the most part. But we've had several instances where he gets a little rough. He also seems to leave a minefield of toys in the baby's room at night for me to trip over. We need to work on picking up our toys every night.

ChardeeMacDennis · July 2015

So what do you all do with the older kids when you are trying to put the baby down for a nap?

DolphinLover2002 · July 2015

laurendutch said:
We are dealing with a couple of issues.

1. They smother here! They love her a ton but just don't give her any space. It's frustrating to say "Give her space/Get out of her face/Get off of her" a hundred times a day.

2. One of my twins is having meltdowns and has been back talking. I know I need to work better on one on one time with him.

This! I actually feel bad for our almost 3 year old son. It would be hard enough to add one baby into the family, but we had twin girls. So if we're holding them, we each have one. He LOVES them so much. He loves to help, hug and kiss them and be right in their faces. We have to tell him a million times a day to back up and get out of their faces. He's pushing our limits to see how far he can get before he goes in timeout. We try as much as we can to make one on one time with him. He's very jealous, but also helps a lot too. He was our one and only for 2.5 years. Now he has to compete with 2 sisters for our attention. It'll be better when they're a little older and he can play with them.

laurendutch · July 2015

@DolphinLover2002 I feel that my one son gets in her face just for attention. Even though it's negative attention. I've tried everything and he only thing that has worked is having them throw away a toy. They get a warning and the next time it's a toy. The toy is usually some junky trinket from the dollar store or party favor. It's kind of a win win...I get rid of crap toys and the boys leave LO alone.

I bought my twins. (4.5 yr old) their Halloween costumes at Costco today. My son was blowing his police whistle in LOs face while napping!!! Thankfully she remained sleeping!

dancegurl1118 · July 2015

God bless all of you. I'm sweating just reading this.

lovethatcolosun · July 2015

Overall things have been good with DS and LO. He loves her and is very gentle with her. He is three and does have his moments of acting out. I think a lot of it is just to get the attention focused on him instead of his baby sister. It's frustrating and we also have been using the time out chair more and more.

We started looking at preschools yesterday. Even three days a week (1/2 days) is EXPENSIVE! I seriously don't know how people afford day care on a regular basis. I think the structure and attention being on him during that time will be super beneficial. We have a couple more schools to tour and then we will make our choice. I'm willing to make some sacrifices each month to be able to do this for him (and for me too to be honest!). It'll be great because I will be able to take LO to story time and meet up with my other mom friends for play dates.

Our latest struggle is with potty training. I have found his motivation. He wants to set up the Christmas tree in his room, so this will be his prize once he's accident free for a little bit. We are setting a timer with his own special ringtone so now he's excited to go try. I need him potty trained by the fall in order to go to school. [-O< no pressure. He just hasn't been ready, and I didn't push it on him fearing setbacks and struggles. Fingers crossed Christmas trees and the promise of school will keep him motivated to achieve this milestone.

DolphinLover2002 · July 2015

@laurendutch I agree completely! I think he acts out and gets in their faces for the attention too. The weird part is that when we do one on one stuff with him, like taking him to the pool while grandma watches the twins, when we come home is when he acts out the worst. I don't know if it's because he had all of our attention and now he has to share again or what.

hswan26 · July 2015

DD is 4.5. She loves her baby sister but she hates us now. She's fresh, talks back, acts out. I know it's her looking for attention but we seriously do everything we used to do still even if it means keeping LO out when it's too hot ect. I'm getting frustrated to the point that I want to stop doing nice things for her so she can see how much we do for her. DH and I have both done things with her one on one to give her that undivided attention but it hasn't helped. She's been so ungrateful.

mghershkowitz · July 2015

I have a 4.5 year old, he's autistic. He's non-verbal. So it is really difficult with a newborn. It's hard telling him to do something because he doesn't understand. I know he loves my 6 week old daughter, but he's constantly in her face. He doesn't know how to express his feelings, and sometimes he will hurt her. He will poke her eye, press on her tummy, touch her head.
My husband is really impatient with my son and he doesn't help me with either kid. He will help but I have to ask him a couple times, and by then he's usually in a bad mood because he's "helping". I'm just hoping it gets easier. Anyone have a similar situation? Or advice? Thank you.

hswan26 · July 2015

@mghershkowitz

I lit my DH up about "helping" me the other day. Essentially by saying he is helping me it's as if this baby is my sole responsibility. Our fight lasted 2 days but guess what, he's done way more since I called him out on it.

thedo · July 2015

My year and a half old daughter is so sweet with the baby for about a minute and a half. Then, she's trying to take the binky or push her off the couch. She's not angry or mean, but she wants the to be with the baby and then gets bored.

She has also been testing is like crazy, but I think it is more her age than having a baby in the house. She gets plenty of attention and has learned to wait (once and a while), but everything is a test. Most recently, she wants to climb into the bassinet from the couch.

https://forums.thebump.com/profile/hswan26 I also feel like the baby is my responsibility entirely. I am home for the summer but do all night feelings, even though we switched to formula at 3 weeks when breastfeeding with a 17 month old was not feasible. So annoying.

I think once we move out of the newborn phase, life will get easier... Though we may be potty training.

mamameghan · July 2015

Love this thread! We have a 2 year old and now twin girls and some days are downright insane! My first has been so good but she wants more mommy time I can tell. She says "Addy's turn" or "Addy's mama" when she's feeling left out. She loves the girls but loves on them pretty rough so I'm always saying "be careful" or "be gentle".

But most days are so great. She's finally sleeping through the night and has never hit or pushed the babies. Thankfully it's summer so we get out and about as much as possible. I think running around a playground or the zoo helps her expel the excess energy. She's so funny and loving that I will take the temper tantrums and crying!

marlener25 · July 2015

My almost three year old kisses him like crazy one day, then the next day he's squeezing his feet and hands and trying to bite the baby! Sooooo frustrating! Anyone else dealing with something similar?

Sammy K · July 2015

We alternate between kisses and head button with our 2.5 yo. I'm getting tired of saying "be gentle" all the time.

mghershkowitz · August 2015

hswan26 said:
@mghershkowitz

I lit my DH up about "helping" me the other day. Essentially by saying he is helping me it's as if this baby is my sole responsibility. Our fight lasted 2 days but guess what, he's done way more since I called him out on it.

When I call mine out on it, he'll say "you didn't ask me for help", as if he didn't know what needs to be done. If he does "help", he will for a couple hours and then he's back to not doing anything at all. It's really frustrating.

HayesRN13 · August 2015

My 12 yo dd "loves" to help.. She holds LO and walks around standing very close to me and following me closely in case he starts crying lol ... But it's cute, she still doesn't want to dip into diaper changes.. But she's a great help around the house while I'm feeding .. Or just need laundry transferred or dishes done

emaddock · August 2015

My now middle child has actually been ok--he gets upset occasionally if the baby is fussing. My 5 year old I think is feeling "dethroned" all over again. She loves the baby but I think is mad at us again. Sigh. I have read that spending 5-10 uninterrupted minutes of playing with them doing whatever they want and not correcting/interfering with them is very helpful for the relationship. When I read that at first I thought I do that now! But not really. Not uninterrupted and I am usually making suggestions. I will try.

LaurenAnn0405 · August 2015

My 3.5 yeah old DD is pretty good with her little brother. DH and I worked with her for the last 3 months of my pregnancy to get her psyched about her little brother and I think that helped a bit. The only problem is she's trying to "help" too much-for example today she wanted to pick him up and we don't let her hold him unless she is sitting down and not moving but she wanted to walk around with him which is just too dangerous. She has definitely been more snuggly with me, sitting in my lap and laying on me. We were super close before LO and we just don't have the time to do everything together that we used to and I think she misses that (I know I do!) so she makes up for it by snuggling a lot and I certainly don't mind!

HayesRN13 · August 2015

I don't know how you ladies with toddler and younger kids do it... I have a 12 year old who is like a second me as far as helping around the house, and with baby.. I couldn't imagine having a newborn and a little to take care of ... Great job mamas

Sammy K · August 2015

I (foolishly) took both kids to the zoo today by myself. I'm not doing that again unless I have DS on a leash. Oy.

lovethatcolosun · August 2015

Sammy K said:
I (foolishly) took both kids to the zoo today by myself. I'm not doing that again unless I have DS on a leash. Oy.

I think this is the only way I would take DS to the zoo. He's a runner. Going to the zoo solo with these two sounds like torture.

ChardeeMacDennis · August 2015

TRIPLE NAP.

ChardeeMacDennis · August 2015

It lasted 25 minutes! A whole bowl of ice cream and an entire episode of TV! The boys are still asleep and the baby is sleeping on my lap in the rocking chair so at least I'm still getting stillness and peace and quiet. It's only the 3rd but I think I can safely say this will be the best naptime of August.

kcl283 · August 2015

Help needed! My 3yo dd has turned into a monster over the past week. It all starts at dinner. She take a bite of whatever I've made, will chew it, and then spit it out saying she doesn't like it (even though it's the same as what I made prior to dd#2 arrival 9weeks ago). Call me mean but i am not making special meals just for her.

I know her sister is a huge adjustment and she's still little. There are plenty of times where we do special things, just her and I or her and my husband.

I am at my wits end- it's been about a week of this and it usually ends with screaming and years and an early bedtime.

Anyone else in the same boat?

ChardeeMacDennis · August 2015

@kcl283 I loosely follow Ellyn Satter's guidelines:

The Division of Responsibility for toddlers through adolescents:
The parent is responsible for what, when, where.
The child is responsible for how much and whether.
(https://ellynsatterinstitute.org/dor/divisionofresponsibilityinfeeding.php)

So, you serve, they either eat or they don't, no battles. I also limit snacks when they don't eat their meals so they will actually be hungry and motivated at meal times.

lovethatcolosun · September 2015

I thought I'd revive this thread to check in with the other moms with multiple kiddos out there. We've got a few changes happening in our house right now. My DS loves his pacifier and only uses it to get to sleep now, but that has to go soon too. We're working on one big milestone at a time. Seeing as there is a complete and total resistance to potty training since his little sister arrived, that one is still on the list. Preschool started last week and it's been a bumpy start. I found him crying in his bed during his nap time on Thursday begging to go home. Ugh I hate when he has bad dreams. Breaks my heart. I've been a SAHM all his life so his days have mostly been filled with time with his momma. It'll be an adjustment. Once he's comfortable with school will pull the pacifier. I'm also hoping school will help with the motivation to potty train. Some kids in his class are potty trained and some are still working towards it. Like I said one milestone at a time.

I added DS to my Wonder Weeks app the other day and he just started his final leap. It's pretty spot on to what his behavior is like recently. That gives me some comfort.

ChardeeMacDennis · September 2015

Things are pretty good with 4yo. He started back at preschool and after an emotional week as we tried to figure out a new nap schedule.

I'm having a harder time with 2yo. I'm trying really hard not to treat him as the middle child, but it's tough. Right now it's too easy to mentally cast him as the inconvenient, emotional, challenging one, but he's not. That's not WHO he is, it's how OLD he is. One on one time with him helps a lot, but it's still a struggle.

ETA: and potty training him? Ha, no. No way.

Sammy K · September 2015

Fingers crossed, we've made good progress on potty training. He only had 1 accident at daycare all week. At home us a little harder. We bought him fun underwear and started a sticker chart. We talk about how babies wear diapers and big boys wear underwear. It helps that most of his class at daycare is slightly older and potty trained, so he really wanted to wear underwear like everyone else. We're a long way off from even attempting nighttime. He'll be 3 in Nov, so I am thrilled.

dancegurl1118 · September 2015

Keep up the great work ladies! So encouraging to hear what an awesome job you're doing (even if it doesn't feel that way!)

Sammy K · September 2015

We are in the middle of potty training. DS had an accident at school (only the third accident in 3 weeks) so I was talking to his teacher. She was just gushing about how great he's doing and how easy it's been. We still have issues at home, so I said it must be having him on a potty schedule helps him to remember to go. Oh no, she says. He's so good, they don't even ask him any more, he just goes on his own and tells them when he's done.

At home, he has never gone on his own and has only asked to go twice. Usually it's a fight to get him to try. Asking if he wants to try leads to a meltdown 50% of the time and we have from 2-5 accidents a weekend. Thankfully, all but one accident were outside.

Now I find out the little shit is actually fully potty trained at school (pun intended). I'm not sure what our next step is.

lovethatcolosun · September 2015

Sammy K said:
We are in the middle of potty training. DS had an accident at school (only the third accident in 3 weeks) so I was talking to his teacher. She was just gushing about how great he's doing and how easy it's been. We still have issues at home, so I said it must be having him on a potty schedule helps him to remember to go. Oh no, she says. He's so good, they don't even ask him any more, he just goes on his own and tells them when he's done.

At home, he has never gone on his own and has only asked to go twice. Usually it's a fight to get him to try. Asking if he wants to try leads to a meltdown 50% of the time and we have from 2-5 accidents a weekend. Thankfully, all but one accident were outside.

Now I find out the little shit is actually fully potty trained at school (pun intended). I'm not sure what our next step is.

I was talking to DS's teacher about something similar this week. He loves milk at school, drinks two glasses at lunch. He'll barely touch the stuff at home. She says she's sees a lot of that type of behavior with potty training too. It's the land of opposites.

ChardeeMacDennis · September 2015

Potty training is the worst. It was 6 months of hell with DS1 and I'm sure it will be the same with DS2. He's huge, and his diapers are huge and nasty, and I'm so ready to be done but it ain't happening. Physically he's ready (he can hold it on purpose) but emotionally he's not (he can't let it go on purpose). We have made several attempts but nothing motivates him. Even he wants to be out of diapers but nothing works. Right now we are trying something that's not working. Soon I'm sure we will give it up, wait 6 weeks, and try some other approach that won't work.

I really, really hate potty training. I hope everyone's right and it's easier with girls because I don't want to suffer through this a third time.

ChardeeMacDennis · September 2015

Potty training:

lovethatcolosun · September 2015

@ChardeeMacDennis DS who turned three in July refuses to potty train right now. He literally won't sit on the toilet. He used to, but now after baby sis came into the picture....nope. Nada. I've heard plenty of people talk about regression and not to force it if they aren't ready. I'm just doing my best to go with the flow. Like you said, try again in a little while.

LaurenAnn0405 · September 2015

DD is 3.5 (4 in December) and we just finally got her potty trained. We had tried so much and she would go every now and then but still have accidents. We almost had it done before LO was born but then he was born and we moved 2 weeks later and through all of that she regressed a bit. In the end the main thing that helped was my in laws promising her a sand turtle (a sand box in the shape of a turtle). They said she had to go on the potty and not have any accidents for a certain period of time, determined by me. She was EXTREMELY motivated to not have any accidents with that motivation. She went for a whole week without any accidents and I told my in laws they could bring the sand box over. She hasn't had any accident since that (in early July) and we're working on no pull ups at night or during nap times. In our case having that reward at the end was the push we needed to finish potty training. I'm not looking forward to potty training LO, I hate potty training!

ChardeeMacDennis · September 2015

lovethatcolosun said:
@ChardeeMacDennis DS who turned three in July refuses to potty train right now. He literally won't sit on the toilet. He used to, but now after baby sis came into the picture....nope. Nada. I've heard plenty of people talk about regression and not to force it if they aren't ready. I'm just doing my best to go with the flow. Like you said, try again in a little while.

That sounds so frustrating. Actually, I think during one of our attempts DS was peeing in the potty pretty regularly, but he was also peeing all over the rest of the house too and I was 900 months pregnant so I gave up. I think if I could give him 100% of my attention for a week we could get it done, but... go with the flow.

@LaurenAnn0405 I wish I could find a magic motivator like that!

Sammy K · September 2015

We have a sticker chart and every 10, he gets a treat. It was working well, but now I wonder if he's just milking the system. :-?

HayesRN13 · September 2015

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