Telling sister in law..

charcharx · July 2015

so it's got to that time in the pregnancy where we want to tell everyone the good news ..but I have a huge concern with telling my SO's sister ..she has had 3 miscarriages over the last couple of years, she has no trouble getting pregnant, but unfortunately cannot carry the baby and she lost her last baby at 18 weeks

this was only 5 weeks ago so it is still very raw and upsetting to everybody.
I am dreading telling her as I don't want to upset her more, or make her feel like we are rubbing it in her face.
We want to tell everybody, but we don't want her to be the last to know, she will know first, besides his parents.

How would you do it? Any advice welcome, Thankyou

bbiutmcph · July 2015

I would personally tell her via email or text so she doesn't need to put on a brave face for you. I know when I struggled that was more preferable so I could ugly cry and have a few moments to myself. If for some reason that won't work I would at least tell her when it's just her. GIve her time to digest the news, cry in private and congratulate you in her own time. It's not that she won't be happy for you but it's another reminder of what she doesn't have and it sucks regardless of how much you love the person that is pregnant. I simple to the point telling, no cutesy things and I would let her bring it up to you after you tell her. It's nice that you are considering her feelings a lot of people have a hard time thinking past themselves and it makes me happy to see people thinking of others.

beStillbeBright · July 2015

bbiutmcph said:

I would personally tell her via email or text so she doesn't need to put on a brave face for you. I know when I struggled that was more preferable so I could ugly cry and have a few moments to myself. If for some reason that won't work I would at least tell her when it's just her. GIve her time to digest the news, cry in private and congratulate you in her own time. It's not that she won't be happy for you but it's another reminder of what she doesn't have and it sucks regardless of how much you love the person that is pregnant. I simple to the point telling, no cutesy things and I would let her bring it up to you after you tell her. It's nice that you are considering her feelings a lot of people have a hard time thinking past themselves and it makes me happy to see people thinking of others.

This. I 2nd the email or text. I know when I was struggling with IF, I would have preferred to be told this way. It was hard putting on a brave face when I just wanted to break down. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for the other person, just so incredibly sad for myself and my H.

designer303 · July 2015

I tend to agree, but be very careful, being so raw from a loss. I would phrase the email in a way that says I am thinking about you, this is what is going on and tell her that you emailed because you wanted her to be able to deal and feel however she needs to feel. Warn her that the rest of the family will be finding out and if she prefers you can ask that they all be respectful of her loss and not discuss this new baby with her until she feels ready. I got pregnant right after one of my good friends had a loss at 26 weeks, I felt guilty even though we had struggled with infertility. I knew how much my news would hurt and she was amazing about it, I'm not even sure how she managed it. I am sorry that you have to feel this way, as in a perfect world everyone should get to announce happy news like this without thinking about how sad it might make someone you love, but its not a perfect world sadly. Good luck with telling your SIL, most of all just let her know that you are there for her, unless she needs some distance and if she does then tell her to take all the time she needs and just let her know that you are thinking about her from afar.

charcharx · July 2015

Thankyou all so much, I really appreciate your kind advice. I will sit down with my SO and discuss what we will put in the email, as that does seem the best way, I just feel terrible. Thankyou

mack1737 · July 2015

Omg I had a similar situation with my sister in law. She and my brother have been trying to conceive for 3 years and I got pregnant "by accident" with my third. I think telling her in person is better than by email or text. I facetimed with mine. I could sense that she was a little down about it but still so happy for us. I feel like a text or email is something you would maybe share with a friend but not necessarily family. Just my opinion.

amama3 · July 2015

I wouldn't tell her over an email or text. Personally I'd either call her or talk to her face to face. It's your decision tho. I hope that everything goes well

bmiller1010 · July 2015

I'm in the same situation. When my DH'S brother and wife were pregnant, I believe my MIL told my other SIL so that she could be there for her daughter. Fast forward 6 years to DH and I, my MIL told us to call my SIL and tell her and ask her to be involved as much as possible. That still didn't make it any better. They say time heals all, but for some, this is a painful situation that may never go away for them.

I would have your MIL tell her so she can be there for her daughter. You may feel like a coward for not telling her yourself, but she probably wouldn't be comfy talking to you after hearing this news. It may be better for her to hear it from someone she can cry to, not have to put on a brave face for.

Whatever you choose, it's hard. And it may feel like it's going to ruin your pregnancy time and your relationship with her. I love my SIL dearly, miss her everyday and wish this didn't keep us apart. Just be prepared for this and try to keep moving forward and enjoy your pregnancy. It's not easy, but the only thing you can do right now is be happy and healthy for your new LO. That, as heartbreaking as it is for your SIL, is what is most important right now.

maiatene · July 2015

I think hubby should tell her face to face. Email or text seem so impersonal and if it were me I would probably be more upset because you didn't respect me enough to say the words to my face. Will it be hard? Of course but so will the next 9 months. Just choose your words carefully and let her know you understand this may be hard given recent event and still support her.

MississippiCatfish · July 2015

I had a similar situation with telling a good friend about this (my 3rd) pregnancy. I did text her, because that is how we communicate 99% of the time. Because I wanted her to be able to take it in and be as mad or sad as she wanted without worrying even a little bit about how it would make me feel. I told her the news and told her that I'm so sorry for her loss, that I didn't know what it's like to lose a baby, but that I imagine it can make it more difficult to be immediately happy for a friend who is seemingly easily popping up pregnant, and that however she felt was totally okay. That I wouldnt ever pretend to "understand" what she's been through, but that I support her 100% in however she feels. She seemed thankful that I acknowledged her loss. I'm sure it didn't make it sting any less, but at least she knew that I love her and was concerned with how my news would affect her.

GingerTurtles · July 2015

Baby3oo said:
I wouldn't tell her over an email or text. Personally I'd either call her or talk to her face to face. It's your decision tho. I hope that everything goes well

Have you ever had a loss? I have, and it's much more preferable to hear news like that in an email or text, especially so soon after the loss.

ash413 · July 2015

GingerTurtles said:

Baby3oo said:
I wouldn't tell her over an email or text. Personally I'd either call her or talk to her face to face. It's your decision tho. I hope that everything goes well
Have you ever had a loss? I have, and it's much more preferable to hear news like that in an email or text, especially so soon after the loss.

This a 1000×
It is really impossible for those who have not experienced loss, or IF to understand.

I would never want to be told about a friend of family members pregnancy in person when I was in the middle of multiple losses. An email or text is absolutely the best way to convey this message, especially with it being only a month since her loss.
Don't make her hold in tears or put on a happy face. Let her grieve in private, she will bring up the pregnancy when she is able to to.

OP Congratulations on your pregnancy, I think it is great you are able to think of your SIL feelings when announcing.

amama3 · July 2015

ash413 said:

GingerTurtles said:

Baby3oo said:
I wouldn't tell her over an email or text. Personally I'd either call her or talk to her face to face. It's your decision tho. I hope that everything goes well
Have you ever had a loss? I have, and it's much more preferable to hear news like that in an email or text, especially so soon after the loss.
This a 1000×
It is really impossible for those who have not experienced loss, or IF to understand.

I would never want to be told about a friend of family members pregnancy in person when I was in the middle of multiple losses. An email or text is absolutely the best way to convey this message, especially with it being only a month since her loss.
Don't make her hold in tears or put on a happy face. Let her grieve in private, she will bring up the pregnancy when she is able to to.

OP Congratulations on your pregnancy, I think it is great you are able to think of your SIL feelings when announcing.

@GingerTurtles Actually yes, I have experienced a loss. It was one of the most difficult and emotional things that I've ever went through. Personally I wouldn't want someone to tell me via email or text.

maiatene said:
I think hubby should tell her face to face. Email or text seem so impersonal and if it were me I would probably be more upset because you didn't respect me enough to say the words to my face. Will it be hard? Of course but so will the next 9 months. Just choose your words carefully and let her know you understand this may be hard given recent event and still support her.

This^^

Mamabeagle · July 2015

I would have your DH tell his sister.

charcharx · July 2015

Thankyou all for your help ☺️ I appreciate every comment

Vets1 · July 2015

So I've been in your SIL position, I had a stillborn at just over 20w. Friends & family got pregnant shortly after we lost Mason. It was great news for them but sadly reminded me of my loss & wanted we wouldn't have. I suspect she'll need time to process it, I'd email & give her the news and say you wanted her to know but also didn't want to upset her.

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