Cruel to SIL to do gender reveal party?

mommiehaley · July 2015

My first pregnancy was extremely hard on my SIL because they had been trying to conceive for years and our first baby was not planned.I really wanted to do a gender reveal with my first baby but my husband's mother literally called while we were in our ultrasound for my 1st and he told her before I could tell him not too. I had a miscarriage back in December and this is our very much tried for rainbow baby. I really want to get to enjoy this pregnancy and do some of things I didn't get to do the last times cuz my SIL and MIL made it impossible.I really want to do a gender reveal this time but my SIL (who is still childless after 6 years of trying) just mentioned the other day that her other SIL on her husband's side just announced that the names they've chosen for a boy or girl are literally the names my SIL has been saying she wants to use when she has a baby and that she's throwing an eleborate gender reveal party to which my SIL has just received an invite. The reason this was bad is she said "I've always really wanted to do a gender reveal when I get pregnant and I don't know anyone who's ever done one before so I thought it would be special if we did one". So Question. Am I being cruel if I have one too? I so badly want to just enjoy this pregnancy and do the things I didn't get to do last time. But when I think of her over there sad and in desperate wish of a child I just feel guilty for even considering doing something that might cause her more pain...Thoughts? Be kind please.

hmf0245 · July 2015

Gender reveal parties are super popular right now...at least in my area. I feel really bad for your SIL but I believe everything happens for a reason and, god willingly, her time as a mommy will come. I don't think you should feel bad at all about enjoying YOUR time as a soon to be mommy. You deserve this and I say go for the party. I hope this helps and good luck!!

Jessie42613 · July 2015

My honest opinion is that while they may be trendy and the "it" thing to do right now, gender reveal parties are nonsense. I realize that's an unpopular opinion but the whole business seems so AWish. Yuck.

That said, why don't you just invite a few people over for a BBQ, casually mention the sex, and follow it up with, "want cheese on your burger?" You'll still get all the warm fuzzies from revealing what you're having, and by forgoing the silly balloons in a box or pink/blue cake, you'll appear sensitive to your SIL's situation. Win win.

Mamabeagle · July 2015

Your gender reveal would not make her future one any less special. There is a way to broach these topics with those you love who have also experienced losses or infertility, and I would tell her you had been thinking about it since you found out you were expecting again.

When you talk to her throughout your pregnancy and after, I think the most important thing you can do to show your support for her is to not make the conversation always about your little one and you and just be a good friend, listener and SIL to her.

When we got engaged, my brother had just been diagnosed with cancer and DH father had died. It was very difficult to be happy about our marriage because it felt wrong to celebrate and we contemplated eloping. But it is never wrong to celebrate these beautiful things with your family and friends, as long as it's done in a respectful way and you exhibit understanding and patience if she does have a hard time with the idea at first.

mommiehaley · July 2015

Ok Ladies,

The point is not if you "like" gender reveal parties. The point is if it is too insensitive even though I personally really want one and really wanted one with my last pregnancies too. So keep the replies to the point and resist the urge to share your opinions on whether or not the party itself is cute or stupid please.

dramaphile · July 2015

I would approach her with as much sensitivity as you can before any invites go out and say "I want to have a gender reveal party for this baby, but I know that this is a hard subject for you. Would you like to be invited? I will totally understand if it would be too upsetting for you to come, but I don't want you to feel left out if you do want to come. Whatever you choose, I just want you to be comfortable." Depending on your relationship, maybe an email would be best, so she can compose her answer the way she wants to?

bbiutmcph · July 2015

mommiehaley said:
Ok Ladies,

The point is not if you "like" gender reveal parties. The point is if it is too insensitive even though I personally really want one and really wanted one with my last pregnancies too. So keep the replies to the point and resist the urge to share your opinions on whether or not the party itself is cute or stupid please.

You can't dictact how people respond and by saying a party is AW they are in fact telling you what they think. They are AW in general. I suffered with IF in the past and I had a SIL who loved to talk about her pregnancies and children when we struggled. It hurts. You know the world doesn't stop but it doesn't mean you want pregnancies and AW parties about how someones kids will pee shoved in your throat. Obviously she is still struggling and has another SIL who is also pregnant like you and she still sits struggling. Personally I would avoid a huge party as life isn't a Pinterest board and if you want to share what you are having have a BBQ and at the end bring out cupcakes or something with icing or filling. I wouldn't do a huge party around it and I would try to be sensitive to your SILs feelings. I would also suggest letting your SIL know you will be announcing at some point so she isn't blindsided.

I personally have enjoyed my pregnancies without one and my friends and family were just as excited to get the phone call or text telling them.

Mamabeagle · July 2015

mommiehaley said:
Ok Ladies,

The point is not if you "like" gender reveal parties. The point is if it is too insensitive even though I personally really want one and really wanted one with my last pregnancies too. So keep the replies to the point and resist the urge to share your opinions on whether or not the party itself is cute or stupid please.

I spent time giving you a thoughtful response as did all the other posters. You will get all kinds of responses on here and whining about them makes me think you don't care what other people suggest and already decided what to do.

Although if you're curious, yes sex reveals are AW 1000% of the time.

Unica1302+ · July 2015

Some thing for you to consider a) if you were in her shoes how would you feel? b) is there any other similar options that would still satisfy you?

I say all this because my mom had infertility issues with several miscarrriages before me and she has openly discussed feeling hurt when others around her had kids. She was of course aware it was nobody's fault but when one yearns for so long it's difficult. I made decision to not discuss our trying for a baby until it was a done deal (8 weeks pregnant) because I knew it would stress her. In another similar situation my SIL wanted a girl and got 2 boys- the second with much difficulty and 2 years of trying. She was considering trying again for the girl (with huge support from my in laws) when I found out I was having a girl (a first grandfdaughter in DH's family). DH and I focused on reading her and talking to her before deciding announcing the gender as as well as the pregnancy. I'm not a fan of gender reveal parties but I did do something cute. We had dinner with each family and brought one bag each of its a boy and it's a girl Hershey's kisses (bought at party city). We asked everyone to pick a chocolate before dinner and then pulled a small it's a girl ultrasound picture frame to gift the grandparents. It all took 5 minutes but it was still fun.

Think of the first 2 questions and and then talk her about whatever your decision ends up being. It's not about forgoing your own desires but considering a family members feelings. In the end as long as you communicate and give her an out, it should be fine to do whatever you want.

delujm0 · July 2015

I can see where your SIL is coming from. Here she is, dying to have any baby, and you and her other SIL are basically saying "yeah we're having a baby but now it's super important that we make a huge deal about every little thing related to the baby, even the stuff that is totally unimportant, like the sex."

I hate these parties to begin with, especially when the parents find out ahead of time rather than finding out at the party with the guests (which is what it sounds like your plan was with your previous pregnancy, since your H told your MIL the sex). But even if I didn't hate them, I'd feel like it would be mean to rub this in your SIL's face.

christina4436 · July 2015

Not at all, a gender reveal is not an unusual, original idea. You or anyone is entitled to one if that is something you want. I would just be cordial, try not to talk about it a lot and maybe tell her separately. I'm sure this isn't the first or last thing that will make it awkward but you'll have to figure out how to handle as best and sensitively as possible.

PugsandKisses · July 2015

There has to be a balance for both you and your SIL. She can't save ideas/names that ONLY she can use but at the same time, you can run it in her face that you are pregnant and she is not.

I think a 'gender reveal' parties are tacky. In this case, I think it is down right rude and cruel. She has already expressed hurt and frustration by the idea.
that is your answer.

dlyn14 · July 2015

I am personally dealing with the same thing right now. My SIL had gotten pregnant 2 years ago right around this time then had a miscarriage. They never tried to get pregnant after that, never went to doctors, etc. but you knew it was something they wanted. I found out in April I was pregnant and was terrified to tell my brother and SIL. When I told them I knew they wouldn't be happy or overjoyed and I was ok with that. I knew things were going to be awkward with them but they ignored me, rolled their rolls whenever someone brought up me being pregnant, etc. and it was very hurtful. I was never the person to bring up being pregnant but was still treated very poorly and made me feel like what I had going on was wrong.

For weeks I tossed around the idea of a general reveal party and ultimately decided I was going to have one. For the first 4 months of my pregnancy I could not enjoy it at all. Having the party is not to take a jab at them at all it's because it's something I really wanted to do. If they didn't want to come I would have understood but I wasn't not going to do something I wanted to do because of them anymore. I hope you have a great time at your party as you deserve to enjoy your pregnancy any way you choose.

Jessie42613 · July 2015

mommiehaley said:

Ok Ladies,

The point is not if you "like" gender reveal parties. The point is if it is too insensitive even though I personally really want one and really wanted one with my last pregnancies too. So keep the replies to the point and resist the urge to share your opinions on whether or not the party itself is cute or stupid please.

I'll reply how I want, thanks.

And here's the beauty of the internet (truly, no sarcasm). We don't know you, so we can reply with our true, blunt opinions, where people in your "real" life will hide the truth or sugarcoat it to preserve your feelings.

If multiple random strangers on the internet -who come from all different areas, are different ages, different walks of life, different histories- are telling you that they dislike gender reveal parties, the chances are excellent that there are multiple people in your real life who feel the same way. Rather than get defensive, accept it. And you'll probably learn to love TB and posters here when you realize that we're not criticizing or flaming you, we're critical of the idea.

So not only are we cluing you into the unpleasant reality that MANY folks dislike AWish parties, we're also helping you to try to do it (if you must) in a way that is sensitive to your SIL. This party that some people feel is oh-so-important will be completely irrelevant in a year. Your relationship with SIL is (likely) forever. It's very obvious to me which is more important.

amberrmariee20 · July 2015

Gender reveal parties aren't common where I'm from, more unheard of. I first heard of gender reveal parties when I joined here back in February. I wouldn't say it's cruel to have a gender reveal party. When I was TTC my sister who wasn't got pregnant right away, I was a little confused and upset that I wasn't yet pregnant, but I was happy for her. It may be a little rough on her given her situation, but the whole pregnancy will be tough for her. Especially when labor comes. I would still go ahead with your gender reveal party, but try not to talk to much about it with your SIL, she may not act upset, but it'll eat her up inside. It can be extremely difficult in both of your situations. But you also can't pretend to be unhappy about your pregnancy, but you also can't talk to her about all the little details.

eish22 · July 2015

Please have your gender reveal party! It's not your fault that they haven't conceived yet, and it definitely shouldn't put a damper on you enjoying your pregnancy to it's fullest! I'm sure it is hard on your sil but, people around them shouldn't have to miss out on fun parts of big life events just because of them. And if your MIL seriously asks you again not to throw one or to call it off, honestly I'd say screw her. It's extremely selfish and inconsiderate, not to mention flat out rude and wrong to ask you to skip out on something that obviously means a lot to you just because of someone else's misfortunes. So, please have your gender reveal party and enjoy every second of it! And try not to worry how other people are feeling the whole time so it doesn't get you down.

MyCousinVinny · July 2015

mommiehaley said:

Ok Ladies,

The point is not if you "like" gender reveal parties. The point is if it is too insensitive even though I personally really want one and really wanted one with my last pregnancies too. So keep the replies to the point and resist the urge to share your opinions on whether or not the party itself is cute or stupid please.

Ok but the point of mentioning the general distaste of gender reveal parties is to give you some perspective on an unnecessary party that will very likely hurt your SIL. I understand wanting to share the news of the sex of your baby but don't you think you could compromise a bit by not having some elaborate and unnecessary party?

Either way, she knows you're having a baby and she knows she will eventually find out what you're having. But I just don't think she should have to deal with the decision of having to attend an event that really isn't important.

DylansCandyBar · July 2015

eish22 said:

Please have your gender reveal party! It's not your fault that they haven't conceived yet, and it definitely shouldn't put a damper on you enjoying your pregnancy to it's fullest! I'm sure it is hard on your sil but, people around them shouldn't have to miss out on fun parts of big life events just because of them. And if your MIL seriously asks you again not to throw one or to call it off, honestly I'd say screw her. It's extremely selfish and inconsiderate, not to mention flat out rude and wrong to ask you to skip out on something that obviously means a lot to you just because of someone else's misfortunes. So, please have your gender reveal party and enjoy every second of it! And try not to worry how other people are feeling the whole time so it doesn't get you down.

Because of course you should only think of yourself and your feelings. Who cares about anyone else, right? I mean, that's what were coming to here.

I weep for the future. I truly do. It's shocking and sad to me that someone could be so completely self-absorbed and entitled. Wow.

tmo51324 · July 2015

I don't think the fact that your sil is struggling to conceive should take away your excitement for your baby. I think it's very kind that you are considering her feelings but surely that has to work both ways? If she would want one for her child why should you not want one for yours. I obviously don't know her but I would just speak to her. Would she like to be super involved or completely uninvolved. It must be heartbreaking for her and she has my total sympathy, but your baby is special too xx

MyCousinVinny · July 2015

tmo51324 said:

I don't think the fact that your sil is struggling to conceive should take away your excitement for your baby. I think it's very kind that you are considering her feelings but surely that has to work both ways? If she would want one for her child why should you not want one for yours. I obviously don't know her but I would just speak to her. Would she like to be super involved or completely uninvolved. It must be heartbreaking for her and she has my total sympathy, but your baby is special too xx

To the bolded, so you're saying OP has to give SIL a choice? This is absolutely selfish and cruel.

"Hey SIL, I know you really want to have a baby and it's been tough for you and all. But I'm really excited about MY baby and want to have MY party. You have a choice: you can either be involved or not but I'm going to do what I want because I deserve to have a party revealing how my baby will pee."

Completely insensitive.

Vets1 · July 2015

You have to do what's right for you but talk to her & say you'd like to do one. I lost my son (stillborn) & 4 weeks later went to my SIL gender reveal it was really tough but you suck it up for family because they are important. My Brother & SIL both said they understood if I couldn't go or wanted to leave early. I'm not going to lie it was tough but it was about them in that moment & my niece. So moral of the story do what you want but be sensitive to her struggles.
Not sure that helps!

Hrc724 · July 2015

I say have it but tell your sil that you understand if she does not want to come, but it's something that you really want to do and have felt sad that you didn't get to do it with your first.

kabnpauj · July 2015

As a person who struggled with infertility for 6 years, I understand where your sil is coming from. I dont express my feelings when one of my friend or family gets pregnant, but it hurt me inside deeply. I'm happy for them and ask them to send me baby dust. Now that I'm finally pregnant after 2 failed iui and 1 successful ivf, i always encourage my friends who are still struggling and always tell them I'll send them lots of baby dust. I'm very considerate of their feelings. I didn't make any big announcement of my pregnancy at all. I wouldn't have a party if I were you.

groovylocks · July 2015

This is your pregnancy and your special time and you are making people. Guilt or shame should play ZERO part in any choices you make regarding your pregnancy milestones or anything else. Period.

DylansCandyBar · July 2015

groovylocks said:
This is your pregnancy and your special time and you are making people. Guilt or shame should play ZERO part in any choices you make regarding your pregnancy milestones or anything else. Period.

A gender reveal is not a milestone, it's a silly AWish party. No ones saying don't find out or share the news, just that she should be respectful and considerate of a family member who is struggling.

groovylocks · July 2015

DylansCandyBar said:

This is your pregnancy and your special time and you are making people. Guilt or shame should play ZERO part in any choices you make regarding your pregnancy milestones or anything else. Period.
A gender reveal is not a milestone, it's a silly AWish party. No ones saying don't find out or share the news, just that she should be respectful and considerate of a family member who is struggling.

I'd never have one either. But I'm not her. She said she already had a loss and it devastated her. And maybe having these little silly things, as you call them, mean something to her. There has to be a way for her to have this how she wants it and still be sensitive to her loved one. I dealt with fertility issues too. Actually the issues were my husband's. And it was frustrating and worrying. It destroyed our sex life because it became all about trying. Every month was heartbreaking. We never once felt any sour grapes at anybody else's celebrations. Wistful and envious, sure. But we still wanted to share in their happiness. Because it wasn't about us and we loved them.

Unknown · July 2015

This content has been removed.

hammy_711 · July 2015

My opinion: I struggle(d) with infertility and this is my second IVF baby at 38 yrs old. Sure there were some things a long the way that made me sad or reminded me of the difficulties I had. HOWEVER, I don't think you can cater to every person who has ever had any sort of problem in life. If I were invited to something that I wouldn't enjoy going to, I would politely decline. You shouldn't have to cater you pregnancy to someone else just because it might upset them. Are you not going to invite her to to your shower or see the baby when it's born? Belive me, seeing a real live healthy newborn is way more upsetting than getting invited to a gender reveal. I would try not to rub it in her face, but you should certainly do one if it would make you happy.

PrimRoseMama · July 2015

mommiehaley said:
Ok Ladies,

The point is not if you "like" gender reveal parties. The point is if it is too insensitive even though I personally really want one and really wanted one with my last pregnancies too. So keep the replies to the point and resist the urge to share your opinions on whether or not the party itself is cute or stupid please.

Um, it's a free country? Folks can opine on their general feelings. C'mon now.

Personally, I think you should do something small with your very immediate family if you want to do a Sex Reveal. Would it be cruel? No. However, you might spare your SIL a big long drawn out party.

I'm not sure why it's necessary to have a separate event? I announced on FB with a cute picture, then called it done. It just seems tired, to me. :-??

PrimRoseMama · July 2015

kabnpauj said:
As a person who struggled with infertility for 6 years, I understand where your sil is coming from. I dont express my feelings when one of my friend or family gets pregnant, but it hurt me inside deeply. I'm happy for them and ask them to send me baby dust. Now that I'm finally pregnant after 2 failed iui and 1 successful ivf, i always encourage my friends who are still struggling and always tell them I'll send them lots of baby dust. I'm very considerate of their feelings. I didn't make any big announcement of my pregnancy at all. I wouldn't have a party if I were you.

Please don't use the term "baby dust". It's offensive to Loss Moms with cremated infants.

kabnpauj · July 2015

PrimRoseMama said:

kabnpauj said:
As a person who struggled with infertility for 6 years, I understand where your sil is coming from. I dont express my feelings when one of my friend or family gets pregnant, but it hurt me inside deeply. I'm happy for them and ask them to send me baby dust. Now that I'm finally pregnant after 2 failed iui and 1 successful ivf, i always encourage my friends who are still struggling and always tell them I'll send them lots of baby dust. I'm very considerate of their feelings. I didn't make any big announcement of my pregnancy at all. I wouldn't have a party if I were you.
Please don't use the term "baby dust". It's offensive to Loss Moms with cremated infants.

Oh my goodness, I didn't know it refers to loss moms? I thought it was a good luck to women who are ttc...like sprinkles with magic dust. This term was used a lot in the infertility group I'm in. I'm sorry if I offended anyone in here with the term.

tmo51324 · July 2015

How is it insensitive to allow her sil to decide how involved she'd like to be??

lalathornton · July 2015

Gender reveal is completely common where I am & in my opinion overdone. Subtle is better!! Or maybe, in light of all the Caitlyn Jenner/transgender news in our society, maybe stop glorifying gender & gender roles. It's not that important. Hate to say things like this, but 1% of population is born with both sex organs. So I wouldn't glorify a gender when these extremes exist. Announcing the gender should be something casually done (sure, do a fun Facebook photo or whatever) but don't make a PARTY out of it.... You'll have a shower likely covered in pink or blue... And relationship with SIL (obviously affecting your brother then too) is more important.

LauraFi · July 2015

I think that you should go ahead and have your gender reveal party, but I would definitely talk to or message your SIL privately to let her know before the invitations get sent out. Having a gender reveal party seems not that unusual in the Bump community. That said it isn't my thing but to each their own and if you want to have some close family/friends over to share in your excitement go for it. You shouldn't worry too much about your SIL being upset about you doing a gender reveal party, she can still have one if/when she gets pregnant; the fact that you are again having a baby before her is what you need to be sensitive to.

ChiccoBeanz · July 2015

When she gets pregnant successfully (God willingly and via all the powers that be, I am speaking this into existence for her as I type this), she will do ALL of the things that she has wanted to do for her baby, and it will ALL be special because it is for her and it is for her miracle. Same way that it should all be special and amazing for you because this is your rainbow baby. If it really bothers you, just give her a heads up that this is something that you really want to do and that it is in NO WAY shape or form meant to hurt her feelings or anything of that sort. That you'd love her to come, but if she isn't up to it, that is okay too. Let her know that you support her and that you are there for her and when her turn comes you will gladly be her cheerleader and help.

bmiller1010 · July 2015

Wow, this board is getting a little judgey... but In response to the original reply, I am in the same boat! Most of my family lives across the state, so it would just be DH family and his sis can't have kids. It's so sad. I love her but I feel like our baby has driven a wedge between us. We never hear from her any more

. In the end, you have to do what's right for you. You and DH can't not live your life and avoid experiences because someone else can't manage their feelings. It's sad, but it's not your fault and you should enjoy your pregnancy since you wern't able to last time.

oneblessedmess · July 2015

I think the BBQ idea is a good compromise. Make the gathering about getting family together to hang out, not solely about how your kid will pee. You can do cupcakes with pink or blue filling or something similar for dessert. Warn your SIL beforehand, so when the cupcakes come out she can quietly excuse herself if she wants for the initial reveal. That way you still get to plan a little surprise, but it won't be an overwhelming all-about-baby fest for SIL.

QueenWaldorf4 · July 2015

Sex reveal parties are cruel for everyone.
An entire party centered around how your kid is going to pee is just unnecessary.
Another option would be to just have a family get together or barbecue where you have some cute cupcakes or something.
Less is more.

minceys4 · July 2015

Omgosh... Either have one or not. Your obviously feeling guilty considering having one so it depends on if you can live with the guilt of hurting her feelings.

bmiller1010 · July 2015

To this person: I'll reply how I want, thanks.

And here's the beauty of the internet (truly, no sarcasm). We don't know you, so we can reply with our true, blunt opinions, where people in your "real" life will hide the truth or sugarcoat it to preserve your feelings.

If multiple random strangers on the internet -who come from all different areas, are different ages, different walks of life, different histories- are telling you that they dislike gender reveal parties, the chances are excellent that there are multiple people in your real life who feel the same way. Rather than get defensive, accept it. And you'll probably learn to love TB and posters here when you realize that we're not criticizing or flaming you, we're critical of the idea.

So not only are we cluing you into the unpleasant reality that MANY folks dislike AWish parties, we're also helping you to try to do it (if you must) in a way that is sensitive to your SIL. This party that some people feel is oh-so-important will be completely irrelevant in a year. Your relationship with SIL is (likely) forever. It's very obvious to me which is more important.

Hiding behind an alias, not knowing a person and "because..... Internet" are not reasons to bully or cruely tell a mom the celecelebrations she wants are stupid. Especially when she didnt ask. Its just mean and classless.

To the poster, have one with friends instead?! Don't invite family. Just tell them. And celebrate with those who can be happy for you. I have had to compromise alot when it came to other important mile stones, including making the wedding about everyone else except DH and I. I'm in your same boat. So I understand, but I am not unsympathetic to your SIL, as I love mine. I just say this could be your last shot to do it how YOU want. No regrets. So invite friends instead!

aleecats · July 2015

Why not skip the party and just do something cute and small? I didn't want a big reveal and personally I think a whole party is silly, I wouldn't want to spend an afternoon talking about how your future kid is gonna pee... But that being said my fiancé couldn't come with to my anatomy scan cause of work so I kept the gender to myself for the day, made cupcakes filled with pink frosting and when he got home he, my mom, my dad and my little sister all ate the cupcakes and "revealed" the gender. Then we posted a cute little picture of one of the cupcakes cut in half and posted in on Facebook for the rest of the family.
That way it's not a huge party, you still get your cute reveal, and you SIL doesn't have to attend or anything and you have nothing to feel guilty about

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