Getting DH more comfortable

wolleys10 · June 2015

DH is super nervous about the idea about starting a family. He seems to go back and forth as lot. Recently WE decided to TTC and I stopped taking bc. Now DH is telling me he's not ready. Help! :-/ I'm crushed, but trying to be supportive and I don't know what to do. I have 3 days until AF is supposed to come and I'm not sure if I should hope for a bfp or not.

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

I think y'all need to talk.

UO? I don't get it why some people (male or female) place this HUGE weight on pulling the goalie/BC. Yes, it's a big deal to a certain degree, but not this all consuming omg freak out thing.

Use condoms or the pull out method in the meantime. He needs to make up his mind because you can't just stop the pill & start it whenever you feel like it.

KristieA · June 2015

I agree with PP you need to sit down and have a talk with your DH. If it were me I would use the phrase 'closing the gate after the horse has bolted' but you might save that for if you get a BFP.

For me my DH is not all that excited but we have been told by an Endo specialist to get on with the BDing so he can't really change his mind without saying he never wants kids.

wolleys10 · June 2015

I agree! I'm just having a difficult time getting through to him. We were on the same page and both ready and excited, or so I thought. But I don't really want to screw up my body by going on and off the pill whenever he changes his mind. But should I feel guilty if AF doesn't come and I get bfp?
I like the 'closing of the gate.' I may use that..

KristieA · June 2015

No, it takes two to BD. That being said, if it is a BFP you really need to talk to him. Having a child is a HUGE life change and you both need to be ready! x

wanderingtx · June 2015

I agree, it sounds like you all just need a good heart to heart.

I felt ready long before DH did, but it was an unprepared ready. We sat down and asked each other at what point would we be comfortable having kids. For me, even though I felt ready emotionally, I knew financially we were not. So we decided to get our finances together, pay off all student loans, and save a ton. For him, he wanted to be a little more established in his career, he's military, so luckily we have a pretty solid time line for promotions. He also wanted to spend some time vacationing and traveling together before starting a family. We also had smaller, personal issues and fears that we talked about. Getting those worries and fears out helped me to understand where he was coming from, and made us both comfortable with a starting point. We are both planners though (like, 20 year planners....) so this fit our personality and marriage style. Personally, if someone says they aren't ready, I don't think you can make them feel ready. I would use condoms/pull out until you are both comfortable again. I'm sorry this is so frustrating!

ETA: If you get at BFP this month, don't feel guilty! You both decided to end BCP, no need to feel bad about conceiving.

WorkingOnMyNightCheese · June 2015

^^^ What everyone else said!

As someone with a DH that goes back and forth with a lot of things, let me ask, is he more cautious or impulsive? My DH is very cautious and seems like he's changing his mind on things, when he's actually just talking it through (and through...and through...). I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel.

wolleys10 · June 2015

katetastrophem said:
^^^ What everyone else said!

As someone with a DH that goes back and forth with a lot of things, let me ask, is he more cautious or impulsive? My DH is very cautious and seems like he's changing his mind on things, when he's actually just talking it through (and through...and through...). I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel.

He's more cautious when it comes to big decisions. Which is normally a trait that I appreciate. And I understand that this is a huge, life altering decision. I've been ready for a while and have just been biding my time. We have talked about it, quite a bit over the past few days. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice. Advice I already knew, but it's nice to get outside perspective and experiences.

K&Elizabeth · June 2015

Maybe it is becoming more real for him now that it could actually be happening and that's making him nervous. If you guys decide to wait a little longer, try using condoms as your BC instead of hormonal birth control. That way your cycle should be easier to interpret. They can be pretty tricky going straight from BC to TTC.

MamaBish · June 2015

My husband felt similarly last time we ttc'd. He kept flip flopping. Fortunately, we only used condoms for bc, so stopping wasn't an issue. I do think you need to chat with him. My DH knew deep down he wanted a child, but wasn't fully convinced even when I was pg. he was worried about supporting us and if he would be a good father.
Unfortunately, we lost our girl at 28 weeks, but he realized how much he wanted to be a dad once it was taken away. He said all that stuff he was worried about didn't really matter.

mommygrams0730 · June 2015

@MamaBish so very very sorry for your loss!

MamaBish · June 2015

mommy grams said:
@MamaBish so very very sorry for your loss!

Thank you so much

Everycol0r · June 2015

I'm very, very sorry for your loss @MamaBish. I just couldn't even imagine.

cattlebride · June 2015

@MamaBish my heart breaks for you, creepy internet hugs to you and your dh.

MamaBish · June 2015

Everycol0r said:
I'm very, very sorry for your loss @MamaBish. I just couldn't even imagine.

Thank you. It sucks hardcore but it is what it is.

MamaBish · June 2015

cattlebride said:
@MamaBish my heart breaks for you, creepy internet hugs to you and your dh.

Thank you, and I appreciate the creepy internet hugs!

GhanimaAtreides · June 2015

I agree, going on and off of hormones is a recipe for reproductive disaster.

Hmmm. If it were me, and I can be pretty vindictive at times, and I only withhold in very RARE extreme cases (like years apart, never for longer than a month or two, and only over *very* serious matters) If you get a BFN (which is kinda heartbreaking in itself, pulling you out of the mood) maybe pull sex off the table for awhile. Tell him the fact he isn't ready is a total turn off to you. Make sure to acknowledge any time you see another man behaving like a good father that it's a turn on for you. Make him feel emasculated for being too chickenshit to be a real man and father kids. Men will do anything to get their dicks wet again. Yeah, it's playing dirty, but they come to realize pretty quickly their reasons for delaying in the first place were pretty selfish. Happy wife, happy life. (If you're feeling merciful, make him wear a condom and then refuse to cum. Tell him you just can't.)

I've been able to prevent my husband from getting a vasectomy for YEARS (in the military, it seems all his peers were doing it) by telling him that if he did it, I would be too disgusted by his completely worthless balls to ever have sex with his less-than-a-man ass ever again.

MamaBish · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:
I agree, going on and off of hormones is a recipe for reproductive disaster.

Hmmm. If it were me, and I can be pretty vindictive at times, and I only withhold in very RARE extreme cases (like years apart, never for longer than a month or two, and only over *very* serious matters) If you get a BFN (which is kinda heartbreaking in itself, pulling you out of the mood) maybe pull sex off the table for awhile. Tell him the fact he isn't ready is a total turn off to you. Make sure to acknowledge any time you see another man behaving like a good father that it's a turn on for you. Make him feel emasculated for being too chickenshit to be a real man and father kids. Men will do anything to get their dicks wet again. Yeah, it's playing dirty, but they come to realize pretty quickly their reasons for delaying in the first place were pretty selfish. Happy wife, happy life. (If you're feeling merciful, make him wear a condom and then refuse to cum. Tell him you just can't.)

I've been able to prevent my husband from getting a vasectomy for YEARS (in the military, it seems all his peers were doing it) by telling him that if he did it, I would be too disgusted by his completely worthless balls to ever have sex with his less-than-a-man ass ever again.

Whoa...

MamaBish · June 2015

...

Everycol0r · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:
I agree, going on and off of hormones is a recipe for reproductive disaster.

Hmmm. If it were me, and I can be pretty vindictive at times, and I only withhold in very RARE extreme cases (like years apart, never for longer than a month or two, and only over *very* serious matters) If you get a BFN (which is kinda heartbreaking in itself, pulling you out of the mood) maybe pull sex off the table for awhile. Tell him the fact he isn't ready is a total turn off to you. Make sure to acknowledge any time you see another man behaving like a good father that it's a turn on for you. Make him feel emasculated for being too chickenshit to be a real man and father kids. Men will do anything to get their dicks wet again. Yeah, it's playing dirty, but they come to realize pretty quickly their reasons for delaying in the first place were pretty selfish. Happy wife, happy life. (If you're feeling merciful, make him wear a condom and then refuse to cum. Tell him you just can't.)

I've been able to prevent my husband from getting a vasectomy for YEARS (in the military, it seems all his peers were doing it) by telling him that if he did it, I would be too disgusted by his completely worthless balls to ever have sex with his less-than-a-man ass ever again.

cattlebride · June 2015

^^^ so

Everycol0r · June 2015

I just want to say that "Being a real man" and "fathering children" is not mutually exclusive.

Having children is a huge step in any relationship & fears are legitimate. Torturing someone over their hesitations is just plain wrong & really not the healthiest way to start having kids.

Would you want your son to be married to a woman who used sex as a weapon to get what she wanted?

Eta: words

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

What...?! $-)

GhanimaAtreides · June 2015

Yeah, ok... They're right. Let the wishy-washy SO call all the shots. I really hope it turns out and you don't lose too much time. Because seriously, anything is better than getting KU without your SO on board. That's like scum of the earth low. I hope you get him on board soon. GL

Everycol0r · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:
Yeah, ok... They're right. Let the wishy-washy SO call all the shots. I really hope it turns out and you don't lose too much time. Because seriously, anything is better than getting KU without your SO on board. That's like scum of the earth low. I hope you get him on board soon. GL

Scum of the earth low because he isn't sure he's ready for children? I have a lot better representatives for scum of the earth low which would include pedophiles & rapists but sure... He's scum of the earth because he is nervous? I'm pretty sure anyone who intentionally gets their spouse close to orgasming and then prevents it as a form of punishment is pretty awful in my books.

CalebsHabibi · June 2015

Well that escalated quickly.

mommygrams0730 · June 2015

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

I don't have words. Those of you who understand how normally verbose I am understand how serious this is...

No words at all. I'm very anti-using-sex-as-a-weapon for ANY purpose. The suggestion fills me with a large amount of horror.

MagicMikki · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:
I agree, going on and off of hormones is a recipe for reproductive disaster.

Hmmm. If it were me, and I can be pretty vindictive at times, and I only withhold in very RARE extreme cases (like years apart, never for longer than a month or two, and only over *very* serious matters) If you get a BFN (which is kinda heartbreaking in itself, pulling you out of the mood) maybe pull sex off the table for awhile. Tell him the fact he isn't ready is a total turn off to you. Make sure to acknowledge any time you see another man behaving like a good father that it's a turn on for you. Make him feel emasculated for being too chickenshit to be a real man and father kids. Men will do anything to get their dicks wet again. Yeah, it's playing dirty, but they come to realize pretty quickly their reasons for delaying in the first place were pretty selfish. Happy wife, happy life. (If you're feeling merciful, make him wear a condom and then refuse to cum. Tell him you just can't.)

I've been able to prevent my husband from getting a vasectomy for YEARS (in the military, it seems all his peers were doing it) by telling him that if he did it, I would be too disgusted by his completely worthless balls to ever have sex with his less-than-a-man ass ever again.

What in the actual hell is wrong with you? You're a horrible person. Hopefully your husband realizes someday how nasty your soul is and sees you for the vindictive, awful, abusive person that you are. I feel sorry for him and I'm willing to bet that he didn't want to conceive with you for very, very obvious reasons.

I'd even go as far as to bet red Starbursts that you got KTFU on purpose because your poor husband wasn't on board.

You are in no way helping the OP with her concerns.

Everycol0r · June 2015

Oh shit, she bet the red starbursts.

MagicMikki · June 2015

Everycol0r said:
Oh shit, she bet the red starbursts.

You know it! And I don't take my red Starbursts lightly. You know this is serious shit.

MagicMikki · June 2015

The other option:

@Lizzie5831, is that you??

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

Sex as a method to hurt never ends well. It truly doesn't. I really hope that this poster advocating withholding intimacy to achieve her goals is really really harming her marriage in the long run. It's incredibly sad when sex is used this way.

You might get your kids but you will lose your husband. If the sex/genders were reversed and a man was using sex to get what he wanted (whether from withholding or the opposite of forcible rape) it is almost universally a party foul. It's not any better because the wife is doing it.

Please, sex should be a unifying, gratifying & bonding activity. It should never be a weapon!

BirdsofParadise86 · June 2015

Everycol0r · June 2015

BirdsofParadise081614 said:

Alyeena · June 2015

I feel so bad for her husband. He probably feels completely trapped in the relationship and feels like there is no way out! Domestic abuse is very real, and it happens far more often than we think that it is the man is abused by the woman.

It is just so sad

GhanimaAtreides · June 2015

Wow, ok... I must still be pretty anemic because some of you are REALLY twisting what I said around.

1.) Getting pregnant knowing full well your SO isn't completely on board is low. So I wasn't saying her SO is low/scum for not being ready.

2.) I wasn't recommending she give the guy blue balls, just that a female orgasm is a bit less intense with condoms after you're used to going without. I personally can't enjoy sex with condoms after 11 years of marriage where our primary BC was Paraguard.

As for the troll accusation, well... I wish that were true because then I probably wouldn't have bothered with being such a huge part of the January 2016 BMB (it's under "Limbo is over", but I was pretty involved before that) before heading over to Miscarriage/Loss group last Monday. But, hey... I bet that makes a bunch of you all freaking thrilled and that such a horrible person like me deserved it. Go ahead and rejoice. Meanwhile, yeah, I'm a real person going through some very real stuff.

I really wish the best to the OP, I highly recommend the book "I Want A Baby, He Doesn't: How Both Partners Can Make the Right Decision at the Right Time" by Donna Wade https://www.amazon.com/Want-Baby-He-Doesnt/dp/1593372876 It helped my husband realize that his reasons for wanting to delay a third was selfish on his part and was rooted in his insecurities about providing. Now we're TTCAL for #4.

wassuphoes · June 2015

Everycol0r said:

dsmith211 · June 2015

This is so horrible. I'd much rather have a healthy relationship with my husband than guilt or withhold sex from him bc he was 'scared' of having a child. Sure I want a baby but I want the both of us to want a baby. Not me wanting a baby and him getting one bc he was manipulated.

We both knew we eventually wanted kids, it was just a matter of timing for us. We're both planners so we wanted everything to be perfect before we started, but we both eventually realized it's never going to be perfect and we should do this while we still could.

Alyeena · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:

Wow, ok... I must still be pretty anemic because some of you are REALLY twisting what I said around. 1.) Getting pregnant knowing full well your SO isn't completely on board is low. So I wasn't saying her SO is low/scum for not being ready. 2.) I wasn't recommending she give the guy blue balls, just that a female orgasm is a bit less intense with condoms after you're used to going without. I personally can't enjoy sex with condoms after 11 years of marriage where our primary BC was Paraguard. As for the troll accusation, well... I wish that were true because then I probably wouldn't have bothered with being such a huge part of the January 2016 BMB (it's under "Limbo is over", but I was pretty involved before that) before heading over to Miscarriage/Loss group last Monday. But, hey... I bet that makes a bunch of you all freaking thrilled and that such a horrible person like me deserved it. Go ahead and rejoice. Meanwhile, yeah, I'm a real person going through some very real stuff. I really wish the best to the OP, I highly recommend the book "I Want A Baby, He Doesn't: How Both Partners Can Make the Right Decision at the Right Time" by Donna Wade https://www.amazon.com/Want-Baby-He-Doesnt/dp/1593372876 It helped my husband realize that his reasons for wanting to delay a third was selfish on his part and was rooted in his insecurities about providing. Now we're TTCAL for #4.

_____________________________

Nobody twisted your words. You said what you said and you are an abusive person.

Everycol0r · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:
Wow, ok... I must still be pretty anemic because some of you are REALLY twisting what I said around.

1.) Getting pregnant knowing full well your SO isn't completely on board is low. So I wasn't saying her SO is low/scum for not being ready.

2.) I wasn't recommending she give the guy blue balls, just that a female orgasm is a bit less intense with condoms after you're used to going without. I personally can't enjoy sex with condoms after 11 years of marriage where our primary BC was Paraguard.

As for the troll accusation, well... I wish that were true because then I probably wouldn't have bothered with being such a huge part of the January 2016 BMB (it's under "Limbo is over", but I was pretty involved before that) before heading over to Miscarriage/Loss group last Monday. But, hey... I bet that makes a bunch of you all freaking thrilled and that such a horrible person like me deserved it. Go ahead and rejoice. Meanwhile, yeah, I'm a real person going through some very real stuff.

I really wish the best to the OP, I highly recommend the book "I Want A Baby, He Doesn't: How Both Partners Can Make the Right Decision at the Right Time" by Donna Wade https://www.amazon.com/Want-Baby-He-Doesnt/dp/1593372876 It helped my husband realize that his reasons for wanting to delay a third was selfish on his part and was rooted in his insecurities about providing. Now we're TTCAL for #4.

I would NEVER rejoice or wish a loss on anyone.

If everyone took your words out of context, you might want to work on rewording what you said because it was clearly, unclear.

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